I see you, or do I? Eye contact and Autism 

I know that I had considerable trouble making eye contact when I was young especially when I was in Junior High School and I think that was one of the reasons I was bullied and excluded from classroom groups. I was also almost completely nonverbal in most social situations at that time. A little while later I was told I would never be able to get a job if I couldn't look the interviewer in the eye.I must have had success learning to make eye contact because I was able to find employment but I have never been able to feel. consistently comfortable with eye contact expectations. Thank you for your video. I really like to hear the experiences of other people.

I can make eye contact with the people, I love...my family. When I am in a situation, where eye contact is important, I tend to grin and bare it, until it's my turn to talk. Then I break eye contact as I speak, only glancing at the person, now and then. I guess that it's my way of avoiding eye contact, throughout the entire conversation. My turn to talk, means time to break the eye contact!

I'm 71 and was diagnosed one year ago. So, I'm pretty good at "fake" eye contact, Jenny--after all this time! Like you said, I vary it to just above the person's eyes and in-between the eyes. I worry sometimes that "nose-looking" is too obvious, so I keep that one very brief. I even make actual eye contact but often end up feeling I'm too intensely "staring" and switch off to one of the other ways. Well, with all this thinking about where to look at someone in a conversation, and for how long, I'm often not focusing enough on what's being discussed!! I'm also uncomfortable when someone else seems to be staring/glaring at me. I don't like being too physically close to anyone while speaking with them, and if they get inside my "space" I always back away. It's easier to do eye contact if there's a nice spacial distance between me and whoever. Btw--I notice my cats are uncomfortable with lengthy eye contact, too---so I have a wonderful relationship with them. I don't have a dog. I love this video, Jenny, and I've already watched it a couple times. Thank you! The updated name change was good too.

Great video! Oh, I hated looking at the camera when I was a kid. Still do 😅 Regarding proximity to other people, I always try to avoid discussion face-to-face. For instance, at work, if I need to ask something to a colleague or if a have a meeting, I bring a notebook and a pen to "take notes", but it's just an excuse to look at something else (or play/stim with the pen) if I need to.

In my experience,as an NT ,we do not,in fact , maintain as much eye contact as you may think. It tends to be more fleeting,or short,unless we are giving or receiving information of importance,and then the contact is held for longer. It might help to not overthink it , if that’s at all possible.

3:23 I agree with this. I hope i remember it right that In Temple Grandin´s book The autistic brain , there was mentioned that two parts of brain are used/not used in opposite way in autistic brain than in neurotypical brain. So what eye contact means for NTs , no-eye contact means for autistics. I imagine it as if I came to neurotypical with closed eyes and talked. That this would we equally uncomfortable as eye contact to autistic people. 🧐

I'm not sure where to look when making 'eye contact'. Typically I'll look at one eye or the other, or just in-between, sometimes at the forehead. I've often been accused of staring, because I don't know what level of eye contact is acceptable. I make more eye contact if I find someone attractive. And if I do, I'll generally not be hearing what they are saying. Sometimes I drift off and think about other things, and that's also often why I get accused of staring.

I explain to some people that a conversation on the phone or in the car is still a conversation even without eye contact. My eye contact ability is like someone in a car who is driving. I can make eye contact for a second and then look away. There are therapies that I’ve been looking into that help desensitize you to eye contact.

I do think I don't have trouble with it as outside with people I am mostly the ADHD-part, the "unreal" overacting me. But if I am somehow vulnerable like feeling ashamed, sad, angry of cause I cannot look in noones eyes as then they "could destroy me somehow and I have to protect", have to make myself as safe as possible not having walls between me and them. Or at former therapy when I should talk about thinks I never talked about and kind of dissociated then talking in a robot-voive looking to the floor feeling numb and silent-spiraling high to implode same time. So extreme stress silences me I think. But I think that is what also NT people do, or not?

I look at people's eyebrows to fool them. I tried staring into my boyfriend's eyes. It was very uncomfortable. It felt like being naked in public. Or like lasers. It was very uncomfortable.

I penetrate their soul with the scorpio stare jenny, i have to take my eye shades off to do that though 😄🙋‍♂️

NTs don't constantly look each other in the eye, that's a misconception. If eye contact is prolonged and sustained, that WILL be perceived as intrusive staring by people, and in fact make them feel very uncomfortable / potentially threatened. It's more that NTs are comfortable with a greater level of eye contact over a longer period of time than autistics. The eye contact is primarily used to signal to the other person that you are in this moment paying exclusive attention to THEM and whatever they are saying. Keeping your eyes averted might make the person feel disrespected, like their presence is not being acknowledged. They may think 'are you even listening to me?' when your lack of eye contact makes it seem as though you are distracted. This is why the insistence on 'look at me when I'm talking to you' and why being unable to do so makes people feel as though you are being dismissive / inattentive and hence rude - because when NTs look away for 90% of the time during an interaction, they ARE in fact being dismissive and basically ignoring you. That said, 'friendly' eye-contact is briefly broken every few moments by blinks and side-glances or a drop of the eye lids, in order to not come across as a challenge. From someone who 'bridges the divide' in that I am diagnosed autistic but also have been brought up in such a way as to more easily understand NT behaviour, I hope this helps someone be less confused. PS as a simple interaction formula, NT's gaze goes where their attention is concentrated.

Unless I'm pretty close to the person talking, they usually don't notice me lip reading instead of making eye contact!! (I only realised recently I lip read - I guess I learnt as a child when I had glue ear, but it wasn't conscious)

I would get in trouble while growing up for not making eye contact or looking down. I find itt easier o make eye contact or fake it by looking above the bridge of tthe nose if Im not talking. Its harder if its my turn ot talk.

This was such a great video! I learned more language from you and others again to help me communicate my struggles in this area. 🙏🩵