I Was the Villain in My Relationship feat. Jessie Reyez | Lovers and Friends Ep. 53 

“Don’t run from kindness” - as someone who has been through trauma no one talks about the healing stage and how hard it is to accept good, to accept healthy it feels unnatural because it’s not our normal it’s something new to learn a new pattern and something to accept , instead of sabotaging like you’re used to ,when you’re so used to running all your life. A chance to slow down and accept what you’re worthy of. I’m so glad you both are having this conversation and bringing light of one of the harder parts of healing that often feels lonely in itself , the accountability and depth from such emotional intelligent women is refreshing. Thank you 🤍

One of the reason I love Jessie reyez is the fact that she writes about being the bad guy in a relationship. She is able to understand and share her wrongs in a relationship in hopes of growing. Noah Cyrus also does this. I think it's growth when we share how we were mean or the selfish things we did instead of just blaming others for fall outs. It allows us to take accountability for the damage or pain we cause in hopes of healing within ourself and growing as a person. 💖

people are usually HELLA afraid to be at fault, I do prefer accountability and responsiblity .

I love her vocabulary and her ability to articulate her thoughts and emotions from a mature viewpoint. Great interview

I love her eloquence too. Sometimes my mind feels like a dense forest with technicolor leaves. I love how concise and comprehensible this conversation is. So calm and sensible.

“Love has always hurt for me” freaking felttt

I love this because I was very cold & closed off in some of my relationships in the past due to past trauma. I fumbled a lot of good relationships because I wasn’t able to connect the way I should have. It’s nice to hear that it happens for others as well. I love this grown woman conversation. Thanks for sharing🤍💖

As a fellow Canadian- I love seeing two thoughtful women of colour representing so beautifully.

I just saw Jessie Reyez live in New York. I have been such a stan since 2018. Her music is so raw and honest and she's hella talented. To hear her talk behind these relationships is something I've always wished for when listening to her music. Thank you so much Shan for putting her on. She's a legend in the making.

That end conversation with Lauren was so honest, and a bit painful and cringy to watch. So much respect for you ladies for always bringing up tough topics, and being so unapologetically honest about them. So thought provoking. Actually made me reflect on some of the f-girl things I’ve done in my past. I’m not reaching out to apologize to my exes though, I’m married now, and I don’t want them thinking I still care lol

What I love most about Shannon and this Podcast is how she gives space to guests to fully express themselves. She never interjects but chimes in at the end with her thoughts & with so much care. Love this Pod and so glad to have it as a resource! Shoutout to Shannon and the team😊🎉🙌🏽

Jessie’s pauses say a lot. Very reflective.

It was absolutely your sister’s responsibility to stop going back to a man she knew would keep taking her back despite her behavior. At the same time, it doesn’t absolve him from responsibility for himself. But she can’t just pass the blame to him on that. It goes both ways.

This was a really interesting conversation as a man to watch. I feel like a lot of people get into relationships and say they want a peaceful good guy and not a toxic one ( like their ex in some cases), and so when they do get a peaceful guy...it then becomes, "oh this is boring" or "why are you not challenging me" etc

Had to fast forward to 11:55.. but Jessie Reyez is so gorgeous mentally... super mentally attractive.. and calm.. and just amazing.. she know's what she did wrong.. she doesn't shift.. she took accountability and she deserves so much for that 👏👏 her maturity level is out of this world..and i hope she meets someone who matches her soul.. and patiently loves her..

Her reflection of self is so damn refreshing. Jessie Reyez's music literally got me through my first heartbreak and YESSIE and the honesty is just so prophetic to what i'm going through. Seeing her live was the highlight of my year.

I wish the conversation with Jessie was longer! A beautifully, painfully honest conversation with all ladies nonetheless, it's nice to see you and Lauren laughing it off like sisters. It gives me inspiration for how to deal with uncomfortable conversation.

This is why her music is so good

Jessie is so transparent and real. Love her honesty here 🥰

For someone who has been cheated on for the first time ever (at least the first time I caught it or cared) I appreciate ALLL the honesty because that's all I want. The truth will set me free so give me the truth please lol. Being lied to is the part that hurts not the cheating.

It’s great to see so many women comment on how good this was . But very little are expressing their resonance with the level of accountability & internalization of acceptance of faults and issues .

i’m gonna get into her music, her expression of her thoughts are so gorgeous to witness

As a man it was refreshing and painful to hear this. I was the bad guy in a relationship and tried to fix everything that I knew was wrong with the next one...now I'm not saying I was perfect because I wasn't....but the next woman who I loved deeply broke me on levels I couldn't even imagine and in so many ways and blamed me for it. I'm still trying to get back from that and it was years ago.

I feel what she's saying if someone is too nice to me I begin to think they're up to something or is just looking for attention.

I honestly love Jessie's entire spirit. She is so intricate and noticeably deep in the way she speaks ❤

1)Identifying poor thought patterns 2) knowing what you should have thought in the moment 3)"fixing thought patterns in the moment" 3rd level activated

This has been one of my favorite episodes on this podcast! I love how Jessie uplifted the act of changing thought patterns mid conversation. Lauren saying "Lets be clear about one thing" is hilarious. Thank you for these gold interviews.

I love this conversation. I really enjoy listening to Jessie Reyes she's the type of person that you can feel their whole presence being there with you, and being real. My two favorite things.

Yessie, Yessie, Yessie. I freaking adore her. I just went to her concert last week in NYC (MY FIRST EVER). I really like that she's taking notes in her journey to Self-betterment. She's become well versed vocalizing her thought process/feelings/emotions. Her music is a testament to her former relationships. I love this growth for her, and I pray that God continues to guide her.

I recently saw Jessie in Silver Spring and she’s such a breathtaking person! Her vulnerability in her music and in this episode really inspires me do do the same. This was really eye opening for me. I’ve also been the bad guy in a relationship but couldn’t accept it for so long. Accountability is so important. Time to go journal and cry lmaooo. I’m sending you all love❤️

I really enjoyed this episode, made me reflect on my last relationship so much. Although I was a dragon (I'm not going to lie) I realize that I was in the wrong relationship and I was trying to make it work with someone that was never for me to begin with. My biggest lesson this year, don't stay out of fear of hurting someone, you have to stay true to yourself.

"Music is how I found home in this world."

I love how you listen without judgment....

Watching the last conversation really got to me because I've always been the nice and good woman who only experienced men who never treated me how I deserved. Then, these girls who have been lucky and seemed to have nice men, but didn't let them go for their own ego or whatever the case. They didn't appreciate them. It's crazy how nice and unappreciative always end up in a relationship.

I love Jessie Reyez! She’s beautiful inside and out ❤

This blew my mind I freakin LOVE Jessie Reyez!!!

First of all,she’s 30?😮 Wow! She looks great and I love her voice. I really enjoyed this interview.

I had a similar experience with my current bf where I realized I'm able to finally feel peace and that this is what love is supposed to feel like. For me, it allowed me to finally start feeling safe enough to work on being more independent and healing, so I'm wondering if maybe for her the same happened, where she was able to work on herself so much because of the guy who gave her that safe space. She just then didn't know how to value his contribution to that growth she was able to do within herself and instead used her new found power and self love to stay guarded and independent when that was no longer needed. (Just a thought)

For those who want to listen real quick: 11:51 31:52 Ps. Loved it!

I think it´s soo much easier to go with the argument of maturing and growing if you were the "bad guy" because obviously we all want forgiveness and moving on, it´s easier to move on if you´re the bad guy because of course you don´t want to remember what happened, or feel bad. It´s harder to move on if you´re the person that was wronged because you feel powerless, betrayal, and taken advantage of.

I can say I’m the bad guy in my relationship right now and I saw this come up in my suggestions a couple times and just avoided it but I’m learning how to remove these bad parts of me and im grateful to be watching this right now

The Transparency is BEAUTIFUL!!! Those trees in the background naturally forming the Infinity symbol is also beautiful. :)

So many truths and gems in this conversation! I love her awareness and vulnerability.

This is amazing! This morning I literally had the same realization about blaming my ex for my current behavior/seeing my ex in me! Hearing this all today has been so helpful in moving forward because the goal wasn't to become the person who hurt me.

Children from a house hold where they aren’t accepted and confused about love, emotional imbalanced, they are often guilt tripped, so they always take accountability for something that’s was not their fault. It’s not rare as all. it comes hand in hand with emotionally unbalanced upbringing. Those kids and eventually adults live in fear, guilt and illusion.

I LOVE the Canadian representation and having Lauren on the pod. Lauren has the cool confidence that everyone needs in their life, AND she has raised the most respectful and intelligent children. So much respect for her 👏

What a powerful interview. Had me journaling along side the conversation. I love Jessie.

I absolutely love how her soul shines through her lyrics in her songs, every line touches you!

Wow. This was an insightful episode. Like we legit needed this. I can't believe people can get to such a level of cruelty but it's a reality check. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. Now not so much.

Don’t downplay yourself SHAN! I caught that you have a body like YOU and that’s special in itself. You’re body is Great 😍 I’m a mom of 2 as well so I know what you’re saying when thinking about your body compared to our prime 20 bodies but like you said our body looks good for our age we look healthy for our age and what our bodies been through. Love your podcast!

Her energy is so light.

This was EXTREMELY beautiful!!! I can see why you both dig one another! Y’all’s communication skills are so impressive. Every time one of you speak, it’s a therapy session. Both of you have this unique ability to dive deep and it says a lot about the incredible relationship that each of you appear to have with yourselves. Shannon, I absolutely LOVE your voice in this world. So freakin’ refreshing!!! Yassssss!!! Cheers to you & Jessie!!! 🥰🥰🥰💯

When She say: “Are they too nice? Or Do I want someone that’s more dominant?” Whew!!

I was so excited when you first announced Jessie Reyez was going to be on Lovers and Friends. A beautiful episode I love it. I also loved when she said, "I wasn't sure if he was too nice or if I wanted someone more dominant." I was like yassssssss I feel that girl 🔥💕

Self-awareness is contagious. Mindful.

Really enjoyed this conversation because it definitely resonated. I think sometimes also when you take a step back and look at life from a larger perspective a lot of times all these situations are orchestrated perfectly for everyone to learn. I had really unhealthy relationships and I met someone that was amazing however, one I’m just not in the space to receive what he has to offer and two, regardless of how amazing he is, he just isn’t the person for me and i think sometimes we meet someone that is everything we deserve on paper and yet still they just aren’t it for us. It also allows you to have more grace and compassion for your ex partners and you can step out of feeling like a victim and understand the circumstances.

Speaking to my heart right now bc Jessie is describing something that I went through where I was like her partner and the person I was pursuing for so long was like her. It is enlightening and eye opening to hear the other perspective. Thanks for sharing.

I loved the audio, am so glad I can see Jessie's expressions during y'alls discussion.

such a beautiful conversation

Loved this and saw a lot of my past patterns in this. I’m in that 10 year period Jessie talked about with being the bad guy dead in the middle with someone i was almost in a relationship with. I hope to be on the other side with the next experience worthy of exchanging love with. ❤

I feel like I am the one sitting in that chair. she articulates everything I have been having issues getting out. It's so refreshing hearing it outside of my head for once .

I'm loving this conversation...so interesting. Can't get enough. Brings me peace. 🙏🏼 ✌🏼

She is so pretty omg

❤‍🔥I'm too excited for this. Lovers and Friends and JessieReyez

She’s an artist she pulls from the abyss to create and yes it inverts inward if you don’t channel it…

It’s like Jessie took the words right out of my mouth. I myself am a serial monogamist myself & I was the villian, I fucked up. I was so focused on everything about myself & my career it was so selfish. They proved themselves from time on that they had pure intentions and I still never held myself accountable for everything I had become or did. Eventually she left which she had every right too, overall I wish her the best this life has to offer. Now taking the time to learn from podcasts, reading, and writing helps me learn the lessons and it’s helped alot. I’ve got a long way to go but it’s for the best for myself and the next person.

Healthy self-reflection. Therapeutic to view.

This was an INCREDIBLE interview

I feel myself so identified with her when she said! It seems to be so basic when referring to attachment theories.

Shan is one of the best interviewers i've ever seen.. she is just present and not interrupting.. Oprah could never!!

Congrats Shan for the year milestone of the podcast! Love to listen while I'm working!

This whole conversation helped me see that I am not alone in thought processes about being in a relationship I didn’t want to be in

"It's Colombia, not Columbia" Thank you Jared for repping!! 🇨🇴 Amazing episode as always Shan, so insightful and honest. We love Jessie, thank you for you honesty & vulnerability mija 🙏🏼❤️

ladies i have nothing but respect for your honesty, that shits real. Mad love Jesse reyez! Still to this day shes the most dominant female on my playlist and im not even a usual fan of the genre. lol as embarressing as it is to say, some of her songs literally made me cry the first time hearing em, "when love came to kill us" hit hard for me, she has genuine lyrics from the chest, about real shit she went through. Not just a shallow safe style of party music she knows everyone would listen to at a party, any of these artists could just say some shit about pussy and money and make a killing, we need more artists who have balls like she does to sing about real shit. You can tell when she makes a song she genuinely wants it to be a great song with substance, talent and personality not just "gucci gang" repeated 236 times with a beat behind it to make some quick cash. Mad respect.

Damn Jessie is literally speaking to me & the things I’ve been enduring as I have ended a long term relationship for similarly reasons.

I’m a huge fan of Jessie Reyes❤️❤️❤️ love her so much

Literally about 14 seconds in and I’m like wow 🤯… I’m going to enjoy this EP sooo much! Thank you as always for sharing ❤

I could listen to Jessie talk all day

Two amazing, smart and beautiful women. I enjoyed and leaned in for every part of this. Thank you

I would love to see you talk to SZA about her music and her healing!

First episode I've watched and I love this show

30:38- God bless you, Jessie. May he continue guide you to the person he wants you to be. I have issues with having confidence in myself for my entire life. When I went to your concert, I wish I can be that happy and secure with myself like you. Eres enviado del cielo, mantén la cabeza en alto.

OMG omg omg Jessie is one of my FAVORITE vocalists and songwriters

i love this interview. literally felt everything jessie said

first 5 minutes and I know this is the video I need. I've just recently found myself to be the villain in my recent past relationship. A relationship that I had known 3 months in would most likely not work because I: 1). was not ready in my own personal journey to really put in the work the relationship needed 2). realized that we might not be compatible (granted I had only been in 1 adult relationship briefly!. 1 month with 2 months talking, so 3 months total lmao). I barely know what I want out of life for myself, so I don't know what kind of partner I really want either. 17 mins in and Im losing my mind lmao. 21:15 - 21:25: Seeeee I get that lmao. Like, I knew these people for time.. I need to see em once in a while. 24:40: The only way i think I can cope with being the villain is if i take this as a learning experience. What I need to be or how I need to think or act so this doesn't happen again. I was passively listening up until 49:33 where Shan's sister talks about shared responsibility and I instantly perk up lmao. It literally mirrors this relationship that just ended. I ended things quite a few times or tried to go on breaks and so on. She is the kind of person that doesn't like to give up on things. Because realistically speaking, I didn't/don't have alot going on for me but she had that strong belief that us being together would be able to bring out the best in me even when I wasn't able to give her my best because of where im at. Knowing that, I really did want to end things because I knew i wasn't good for her. I believe Shan when she says its our responsibility (those that supposedly "care" less) to have the courage to be honest and cut things off. "I broke someone's heart and I kept going back to do it" - Jesus christ I want to cry lmao. The part about having to explain to everyone what happened.. I can't imagine what she's going through because we were so integrated in each other's lives (families, friends, church etc.). I wish I had seen this before the inevitable but man.. Thank you for this video

Would love to know books you and Jessie recommend :). I heard Robert Greene but would love to know others ! It’s so hard to heal and be a better version of yourself. You guys are amazing and beautiful. Keep it up 💕💕🔥🔥

I can't even put all the words I really want to in my reply! So short and sweet; I'm just so proud of Jesse! Both of you for real. Just seeing women have a building session! Learning and growing from each other and just shining! Making self awareness And accountability look good y'all! ❤

We love us some Jessie🧚🏼‍♀️✨

After you've learned to take all the accountability that belongs to you in those types of relationships where you felt like you were the one who was wrong it's also important to realize that maybe even if you did everything right there's still a possibility that the dynamic was off in some other way and maybe it wasn't the appropriate dynamic for either of you even if you did act right lol. It's important to work on your flaws and heal from the past but maybe you also would be more open to someone who's more assertive with their needs, someone who isn't afraid to put you in your place when you get out of line, someone who knows exactly what they want and deserve and will address issues as they arise because that kind of male dominance can call you into your submissive feminine energy. Every time a prospective relationship pops up for me I always leave space for the possibility that sure maybe he is a wonderful guy who will make some girl very happy but that girl isn't me .. red flags aren't only for toxic behavior, acknowledge if you have a feeling inside you telling you this is not the right type of person for me, not because of past trauma but he doesn't feel like the one and allow that to be okay because if you ignore that it could turn out to be a reason why you ended up not treating him right. He just wasn't it. It doesn't make the behavior okay but it's just the truth of the situation.. he wasn't it and you both tried to make that fit when it wasn't fitting. What do you guys think.. is that a valid possibility? Does anyone have anything to add?

Transparency!! Thanks for being vulnerable in this conversation Jessie. I get you and have experienced things on the some of the same levels.

Immaculate discussion & dialogue💝💝💝

We are all toxic at some point but at lease some of us are self aware and are able to change

Dang Shan, I freaking love this podcast and really look forward to your episodes. 🙌🏼🤝🏼❤️

Love her honesty and good thing she learned and grown. Life is all about learning and growing. I remember a person say don't make me pay for ex which is so true

jessies voice is so soothing oml

Jesse spoke the truth here!!!

this is one of the best podcast videos i’ve listened to; jessie is an amazing guest and speaks beautifully. i thoroughly enjoyed this 🫶🏼

love her vibe

Ive been waiting for you to drop this Shan!!

What i couldn't give just to chill with Jessie 😍😍