I WASN'T READY FOR THE END... | Ren - "Su!cIde" | REACTION/ANALYSIS 

A beautiful homage song about Ren's very close, childhood friend Joe, who committed suicide by jumping off from a bridge. Sadly, they never found his body.

Ren said he sat on this song for well over a year and he was actually dreading releasing this song because it felt so incomplete and "meh" to him compared to the rest of the album. Then he did the interview with Knox Hill about a month ago and he finally opened up about Joe's suicide and he said he finally felt there was a way to finish this song, so he added the last 2 minutes to this song just within the last month. He said it wasn't rehearsed and wasn't even fully edited. He said he sat at his Keyboard just playing and crying and whenever he thought of a new line he ran into his vocal booth and recorded it, whether he was crying or not. He said the entire thing took him less than 2 hours to fully write AND record.

I joined Rens twitch earlier today. Wasn't sure what to expect. OMG...he turned it into the most beautiful celebration of life. I'm so glad I was able to see that side of him. ❤ Ren... love you all. You are not alone.

You're right, the song starts out about Ren, he said this himself, but then he said that for some reason it felt incomplete. He started with the piano and the first line of that final sequence and said that the rest just kinda poured out of him. The emotion you hear, his tears, the breaking in his voice .... it's all genuine and real. That comes across vividly. Once again, Ren uses the power of his personal experiences and his musical talent to draw an emotional response from the listener. I'll never stop saying this- Ren is Special.

This song crushed me. I've lost three friends to suicide. I have no will to live after my wife died at 42 of an ugly cancer, but I don't know how someone takes their own life. 😢 Thanks for this reaction and your talk after Aileen. ❤

For those not aware of the events behind this song @RenMakesMusic And here's (part of) the writeup that Ren shared before the premiere and sent to his email list: I first met Joe when I was 8 years old, my friend Josh said I had to meet this guy, so we both walked over to his, it took about 10 minutes from my house. I was greeted by this kid covered head to toe in freckles, he grinned at us, climbed onto the back of his sofa and screamed “Swanton Bomb!” then front flipped off the top and landed right onto his back on a stone floor. He lay still for a moment, twitched a few times, then got up, grinned at us, brushed himself off, and did it again. This was Joe. He’d do anything to make people laugh. He ended up becoming one of my best friends. He was there when we stole our first cigarettes out of his mums pack, way too young. He was there when I had my first kiss, with a girl twice my size on the back of the 42 bus. He was there when I first got so drunk I threw up in the woods after drinking as much white lightning Cider as we could. I was there when he did his first backflip on skates, and saw him do a 720 off of the pier cave, that moment became legendary. Joe was the funny one in our friend group, he’d make us laugh till it hurt. No one had a bad word to say about him. It was impossible not to like him. Usually we put celebrities, athletes and actors on pedestals, turn them into role models and admire them from a far. The person I admired was Joe. Him and Sagar knew every word to the songs id write, we’d get drunk at parties and they’d be singing along as loud as they could. It gave me a lot of confidence back then. On Christmas Eve 2010 I was sitting in a pub with Joe, he’d been feeling low after a couple of consecutive break ups. He tried to check himself into a mental health outpatient facility a few weeks earlier but they turned him away because he didn’t have an appointment. He turned to me and said that sometimes he wished he could just walk into the sea and keep walking. He said it in a kind of half joking throw away comment type of way, then took a sip of his drink, walked over to the juke box and put Dig by Incubus on. If I knew that was the last time I’d see Joe id have hugged him, told him how much I loved him, how much I looked up to him, how much we all loved him, and I wouldn’t have left that pub. I didn’t know that, so I finished my drink, said happy Christmas and left. Two nights after Christmas I got woken up by a phone call at 3am, it was my friend Ella. She told me Joe was on the Menai Bridge, a large suspension bridge connecting the main land to the isle of Anglesey where we lived. He’d been on the phone to her in tears saying goodbye. He told her to tell everyone he loved them. I pulled on my clothes as fast as I could and started running toward the bridge. It was up a hill. I lived about a ten minute walk away, I could run it in five. As I ran I started dialling then redialing his number. The line was busy, which was a good sign, it meant he was still on the phone to someone. As I got about halfway, the busy tone changed. It told me the line was out of service. I got a sinking feeling and picked up my speed. I arrived to the bridge minutes after I left my house. It was deafeningly quiet. I was the first person to arrive. I got there probably about 2 minutes too late. Joe’s body was never found. Initially we refused to believe he was gone. The coastguard came out that night, with boats, and helicopters. Me and my friends spent the next 10 days putting up missing posters everywhere we could, walking up and down beaches with flashlights, getting about 3 hours sleep a night. When you’re walking up and down a beach with a torch when its dark everything looks like a body. We still haven’t found Joe. As his birthday came around, I wrote a song, freckled angels, a song I dedicated to Joe which I sang in front of his friends and family. A charity football match was put on for him, raising money for the RNLI where I won two bottles of wine in a raffle, I drank them both as quickly as I could, naturally, turned to my friend and probably slurred something along the lines of “This is the last time I ever drink” That was 12 years ago, I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since.

“and holding you my brother and telling you that it’s fine” and “i was late like a jerk” got me 😭😭🥺 as a suicide survivor it hit me so much harder

Ive lost two close friends and a 2 cousin's to suicide, they were clever, intelligent, funny, empathetic, handsome. The fight is real ,the struggle is real, the epidemic is real. RIP mark , stef, wiggy Robert. Much love from Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 💚.

as i have said on another video, Ren is the master of silence and tears. almost every reaction ive seen leave everyone either speachless or broken. first words are either um or a choked wow. hes an artist, a bard and someone very very special

I lost my niece on the 20th of May (she was 12) 11 days away from her birthday; she passed away from Osteosarcoma that moved to her lungs. This song speaks volumes for those that are dealing with heartbreak as well as clinical depression... thank you for your reaction and I wish you all the best AileenSenpai.

Imagine being seconds away from being able to save your best friend... and failing!?!? Ren Is Music, is Emotions, is Amazing!!!

Ren - making it ok to be human again. Thank you.

The Internet cried last night, for Ren, for Joe, for everyone that's sad 😢😢😢

This song killed me when i first heard it. I went and hid myself away and bawled for at leqst 30 or 40 minutes. I lost my best friend (who would have been better classed as my real brother, we both came from really abusive homes and from the age of 5 we were eachothers rocks and support system through it all) to a suicide i could have stopped if i hadn't drank and drugged myself unconscious and missed the 19 calls he made to me and the 12 messages he left me in my begging me to answer and begging me for help. The last message simply said "you are the best friend i never dared to hope for. Thank you for giving me the love no on else ever did. Goodbye my friend" and then he took the shot gun his family owned and shot himself in the head mere moments after Calling me for the last time and leaving that message. I can explain further if anyone wants, but this is just the basics and why this song is so impactful for me. Rest in peace eric, you're the best guy i've ever known.

I have been on both sides of suicide. At 16 I attempted suicide, I'm lucky my family found me in time. Fast forward 20+ yrs and lost my cousin to suicide and a good friend. This song hurts on so many levels, for what I put my family through and what my family experiences now every birthday and holiday watching my cousins children grow up without him. I'm with you, no one should feel alone....thanks for sharing your story too. It provides an open door for others to speak abt our experiences...

Gonna be a heavy one

Aileen, such a beautiful reaction, so honest, raw, genuine…. Can’t think any further tonight I’m crying to much. Thank you for sharing REN, thank you for being you. Take care Daz Berrima, NSW, Australia

This one broke me. Because I had that friend in high school. He was 15. Fifteen. And he was a friend. Showed me how to be a friend. Showed me what friendship means. I didn't see it coming. He was so happy-go-lucky, empathetic and kind. No one saw his struggle until it was too late. He never knew how much he mattered. He never knew how many people cared. 23 years later, I think of him still. With regret that I didn't see it coming. I should've seen it coming. Goddamnit.

Ren hit me hard,I lost my son 2 year ago,he commit suicide we broke so try so hard to help him, is his twin sister..now we must stay strong for her..don,t want to loose her..thank you for your warm reaction..it comfort me..

You can tell that out of all the other reactors that you feel the most out of his lyrics. You definitely appreciate the true value of vulnerability. Vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s a strength. Thank you for this reaction

Lovely sensitive piece, Aileen. Ren broaches topics that are real and many of us can relate to. He is so open and unique, apart from talent in spades. I can't help thinking Ren is the brilliant person he is because of how he grew up and particularly for the evident kinship and love he has for Joe. Both when he was alive and since his passing.

Her name was Jen. I tried. Thank you for the reaction. Something in me died long ago, but I get to feel things by watching others react. I love that Ren has brought mental illness to the front of society's thoughts.

R.I.P. Joe. You were definitely loved.

great reaction by you thank you so much for sharing this video with us Aileen.👍

I feel what he is talking about. I luckily got got help a few years ago. ❤️

I know the pain he feels, I've lost friends to suicide, I've seen the devastation this causes. If I didn't have 2 people in my life that would feel that pain then I wouldn't have to wake up tomorrow but they are so I will

I have never had artist affect me so profoundly. Watching all the reactions videos and seeing everyone become vulnerable through his work. I have shed tears on every single time I watch. This is such an important piece of art. Thank you for your raw reaction to it ❤

Aileen, thank you for the authenticity today. I think these reactions play an important role in helping to normalize emotions and expression for your viewers. You may not feel like it but like Ren you're doing powerful work out here in your channels and it means a lot to the people that watch you. Also, to make sure YOU remember as well, you're loved and cherished. You're appreciated and people are greatful to still have you here. Stay amazing.

Love your reactions. This has to be one of the most powerful pieces of music I've ever experienced. As you're asking for recommendations, I can't remember if I've pushed these on to you before or not but 'How to be Me (Live)' is probably my favourite Ren track and is very much on the same topic of his friend Joe. Other blindingly good songs are 'Ocean', 'Humble', 'Dominoes', 'Money Game II', 'Losing It', 'Hold On', the list is seemingly endless but those will give you a really good variety with some nice upbeat stuff in there too (if you need an antidote!). x

Great reaction! This one has been hard for me. I have dealt with depression for most of my life and much of what has kept me here is the realization of how it would hurt those I love. The second half of this song is brutal but it is also a good reminder of how it hurts those left behind. Musically, it's another masterpiece. The video is so beautiful. Louis Mardlin is the video editor for Ren's animated type videos and he did a fantastic job with this one.

I've struggled with suicidal ideation for years. These days, it is more like not wanting to wake up tomorrow rather than taking an active role in ending myself. Loneliness was my biggest trigger when I was young. These days, it's more about experiencing rampant transphobia and not being able to do anything about it. It just gets so heavy a weight to carry, you know? I guess the trick is to distract myself until old age takes me.

I am so incredibly grateful to still be alive at the same time as creators like you and Ren. Thank you for everything you do Senpai

I know i have already said this. Aileen you have such a wonderful heart and your a speacial soul. Thank you for keeping it real!!!!!!!!!!!

While I would love to take everyone’s pain away, it’s what makes us who we are, and for what it’s worth I’m sorry….

Many have survival regret. I, also lost a few friends to suicide. It's hard to get moving after experiencing the loss, and it can drag you way down at times. The way I get passed that feeling is living for them and doing things that we all talked about doing as kids. Out of 7 of us, there is only my brother and one other person left.

I've cried more times to that last part in the last 24 hrs that I can count. It's just an emotionally vulnerable song. I love it.

Tears were streaming down my face also what a beautifully vulnerable song about a subject that needs to be talked about.❤‍🩹

thank you for reacting to this sending all my love to you and your family, Ren is starting a movement of love ❤❤❤❤

I have been this way for about 12yrs. Every day is a struggle. The only thing that stops me is I see the faces of my children getting the news. It would devastate them to hear of my death but entirely different if I did so myself especially as their mother sees suicide as cowardly. I have a genuine fear I will grow to resent my children for impeding my exit

Feel your pain and sadness as many are all doing at this moment in time. Ren is the master of making us aware of life issues in such a wonderful deep way. Love your reactions.

Thanks again for this incredible heartfelt reaction Aileen.

Made Mr cry like a baby, lost a few fine folks that were well more than capable that contrabuting. Ren is one in a million million that is for sure. Life means a gift. For all those that sacrificed...

Ren made the internet cry for two days straight now.

Great reaction. Everything you said was very well said.

Thank you so much for sharing your emotions with us, Aileen. You're a beautiful soul, you seem so caring and thoughtful 🤍 hope you're doing well

Incredible, as always!!

Wow! ❤ thank you!

Great authentic reaction!

In a weird way I was looking forward to this reaction from the moment it dropped. Like Ren I feel your quite genuine and you'd resonate with what he his brining. Thank you for your reaction, it's in a way therapeutic

I absolutely love all of your reactions ❤️

That was so beautiful ❤

Sending love from the UK x

Ren is so amazing. Not just as a musician... but as a human.

Ren is therapy for so many from one song he helps so many people open up in ways therapists struggle to do in person.

Wow .. didn’t see that coming! Powerful … very rare performer!!!

Another fabulous reaction! Thank you for just being you and sharing your journey with all of us. 🖤

Such a powerful song I cry every single time! Ren is so special and to share this with us wow I have no words.

I love Ren to death. His friend Joe , you can tell it still haunts him to this day. "Freckled Angels" was his first song dedicated to him , and "How to be me" is a song about him too that they recorded on the bridge he jumped from.

You are wonderful Aileen.

Thanks for spreading the positive value of this important video eg resources for people in crisis.

It's a beautiful thing, the compassion you display for those who are struggling. You have a good heart.

Your reactions are always so heartfelt and beautiful. Your Channel is so amazing. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

A wonderful reaction from an awesome person. Thank you for your incredible reaction. This is such an important song for everyone. This hit very close to home for me and helped more than I would ever have imagined.

Beautiful reaction Aileen. All the very best from the UK

Thank you,,Ren is a amazing person.

You are so wonderful, thank you so much, just you talking about this means so much. Ren is so great, but your input means so much. you are a wonderful person.

Ren, please don't stop!! I have never cried so much from just pure emotion taking over when I listen to your works. @AileenSenpai you always bring great music to us that is life helping/changing. Thank you!!

He actually loves to write songs for his friend. Freckled angel and forgot how to be me are both songs dealing with joe and loss. And this song was a mix of how he has felt over the years being sick and wanting to just give up but joes suicide hit him so hard he couldnt allow himself to

Thank you for that reaction

Well said, glad you are still with us. When i show the vid pop up i knew it would hit you. Many suffer in silence but the more we talk about it the more people might feel less alone.

A beautiful reaction and you are a really beautiful person, inside and out.

You have a kind soul i wish there were more people like you in this world god bless

You have so much empathy, it's a refreshing change to the way the world seems

Ren is a poet. And your reactions are amazing.

You, my dear, is so painfully human I can't quit watching your reactions, even tho it often hurts me watching you feel. Thank you. 🖤

It's a punch in the stomach that resonates in the soul of each one of us. I feel blessed to be a contemporary of such an Artist with a capital A, and such a genuine person. Good reaction.

Thank you for being you and for letting me seeing someone else who feels the things I do. It helps.

Great reaction - the genius dos it again love ren many thanks love and respect from the UK 👍👍👍👍👍👍 RIp Joe 🙏

First time someone thought about the people who watch this because of the song and not because they know you, so very nice from you that you try to help thouse people who are not in the right place, that deserves a sub from me, looking forward to see more reactions or other stuff from you

im a 50 year old australian male. i have severe mental health issues, and suicidal ideation daily since i was 12. Ren is my newfound hero, between this and Hi Ren his music is brilliant but cried through the end of this song like a baby. i love your vids Aileen

9:25 "It's ok to not be ok." My 6yo son is fighting kidney cancer. Going through radiation, chemo, hair loss, the whole schtick. Thank you for putting this into such succint, perfect words. I'm not ok, and that's ok.

Thank you for this. Every time I watch Ren he draws my emotions out of me. I can't really explain it but I am so happy for him. Number1 on the UK charts is a huge validation of who Ren is and what he feels.x

I came across your channel because I've been watching reaction videos on Ren's work. I stayed on your channel and subscribed because of you though. Ren's not the only raw and real artist. You just let yourself be so soft and vulnerable and look like you deeply feel every word. I watched your Chalk Outlines reaction video right before this one and in both reactions i couldn't help but laugh through my tears watching you talk so fast trying to get all your thoughts out while you were still feeling the emotions from the songs. You're now my favorite reactor. I'm a sensitive soul like you and i appreciate how brave you are because it's not something I could do. I get very self conscious crying in front of people as I was told all the time growing up that I was way too sensitive and laughed at and teased relentlessly by my brother if I cried watching a movie. I remember watching La Bamba with him when we were young and I was doing good holding back the tears until they told his mom and she broke down screaming, "Not my Ritchie!" and I couldn't contain my tears anymore so I ran out of the room and upstairs to hide in my room until I could compose myself again. To me then my super sensitivity was a curse and i did everything i could to suppress my emotions. I just wanted to fit in and be normal and hiding and suppressing that part of me eventually took a toll resulting in severe mental illness and repeated suicide attempts. It's been a long journey. I've started over more times than i can count, lost many friends along the way, and even my sisters shut me out years ago. People just got worn out by me and my struggles and it's hard to blame them for it because I didn't understand my pain either so how could they? At this point in my life I've been diagnosed Schizoeffective after years of hell where voices were talking to me 24/7 and I couldn't get them to shut up because they convinced me I heard them because I was special and others could hear them too but noone was allowed to say anything about it out loud. I could handle it at first but eventually it drove me mad and I was found in an abandoned parking garage by 2 cops who had heard me screaming at the voices to shut up or I'd kill myself. I remember looking up and seeing the police officers watching me probably contemplating how ro approach me. I instantly started sobbing as relief swept over me because there was no hiding it now. I was onviously hearing voices and now they knew the secret so it was okay to talk about it. It atill took me several more months to find the right meds and the voices finally faded away. They came back just recently for a couple months because i stopped taking my meds but won't make that mistake again. I also ended up getting long term Covid a couple years ago and have rarely left my apartment since then as just moving at all is a huge effort, my body aches constantly, and I'm just so tired all the time. I had serioyslty been contemplating suicide, even googling the most effective and surefire ways to do it when this song "Hi Ren" kept popping up in my suggestions while listening to some Jellyroll songs so I decided to check it out and holy life changing and inspiring and it gave me some hope again...ironically I think the only person that could put the emotional journey I've been on since then into words would be Ren lol. I sent the song to a bunch of my friends and have been spending most of my time every day finding his other music, watching reactions, hearing and reading other people's stories, and crying, lots and lots of crying.. good, healing crying though and I've found even though I'm technically alone in my room I feel connected to people like you who put themselves out there so I can cry along with them and not care who might walk in and see me crying my eyes out. I don't know where this journey is going to take me but for right now at least I am safe and have hope and am embracingy sensitivity thanks to Ren and you.

Ren is definitely next level - by any means. What a beautiful human being.

Suicide is something that needs to be talked about. We are not alone and you show us that. Thanks for doing what you do.

Thank you, Aileen, for your heartfelt reaction and review! It is difficult for me to find the words that describe the mixed feelings I have after watching this and other Music Videos by Ren Gill. It is obvious to me that "Ren's" work comes from someone who has experienced, first hand, the subject of his writings. Knowing that makes Ren special, and makes Ren's message special. I commend Ren for delving into the difficulty of hearing and confronting human condition and experiences!

You have a good heart. Empathy is one of the most beautifull things in life❤️

The amount of time that you spend making your eyes so beautiful is truly appreciated by tens of thousands of people you will never know. Someone will write really terrific poetry about you one day, poetry that will bring tears to those astonishing eyes you've been blessed with

When I see you cry Aileen it makes me feel like my daughter is crying and I just want to give you a hug.

I think Ren is Heading the Right way with His Treatment. Lets hope We Hear a Song of Joy and Beauty from Ren Soon. Peace Girl , Love the Reaction and Lovs from Canada.

I can't say enough just how talented and important Ren is

This came up as soon as I opened RU-vid and audibly was like "no no no no" 😢😢😢 I hope you're okay after this

4 years ago today my best friend Matt took his life this song gets me everytime 💔😢 I LOVE YOU MATT I MISS YOU BRO 💔💔💔

Sending lots of love to everyone ❤ I've been there myself but thankfully am still here. Peace

Great reaction. Probably the next logical Ren reaction should be his song "Hold On" or the positivity affirming "Humble"

Thanks for your thoughts. As always, everyone can kind of relate to all the emotions he so effortless and eloquent is able to put in words. But since I lost my son last year, I often wish he had the chance to listen to Ren. It might could have changed his view and his attemps of fighting his demons all on his own. At least, Ren is helping me a lot, getting into his shoes, even when it hurts so much.

You’ve got to watch the live version of How To Be Me with Ren and Chinchilla. It is also about the loss of his friend Joe (and I believe recorded on the same bridge he jumped from)

He is the only one really addressing this, in a way people can share and feel empathetically. Its an important video and song. A real embodiment of the power of music cross culturally. Its immense.

Topics that need to be talked about more. Spread love and peace, Ren is something more than special. Thank you Aileen, have a great day!

Young lady, I can tell by your reaction that you are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. A rare find for sure. Thank you for sharing this video, your story and for giving people a place to support each other. All it takes is one voice of understanding to save a life.