"I don't get why you would particularly want kids". I'm a late-diagnosed autistic parent of two autistic kids. I wanted kids for mostly two reasons. One, it was the neurotypical mask-y thing to do, and I'd managed everything else in societally-approved order also (partner, engagement, house, marriage...). Two, I wanted to be able to pass on my love for my special interests to someone. Neither of those were really good reasons in retrospect. So we had our kids, and let me tell you, the first five years with each of them were HARD. Everything that neurotypicals seem to adjust to easily was just a DAILY slog for us. The disruption in routine, the interruptions, the noise, the lack of adult conversation causing loneliness, the communication issues, everything. It was HELL. The kids are a little older now, and it's settling down, but I feel certain having kids has shortened my life. My anxiety levels have been so high that between constant on-call work and childcare, the sleep disruptions, the back seat it made me give my health, and everything, I had a stroke. I love my children, and having their care and love in return now that they're growing and able to communicate that to me is amazing. But I will ALWAYS respect those who choose not to have kids. I can't go back in time, and if I lost my kids I would be destroyed, so I refuse to re-examine my decision to have kids through the lens of the present - but it's a tough, tough road, and if someone questioning parenthood has a choice to be involved in relatives' kids lives instead, I can only suggest that much thought should be applied. Kids are INCREDIBLY disruptive to the life you have today, they disrupt everything about your life. It has been a journey of pain and heartache for me, albeit one that is only now starting to feel worthwhile, over a decade later. And that's all I have to say about that.
I agree 100%, as a fellow late diagnosed autistic mom with ADHD and autistic kids. I luckily didn't have a stroke, yet. But sometimes I feel like I could have a heart attack or something. I have nobody to help but my husband and he's a good guy and a wonderful dad. He's my rock, as they say. I kinda thought the same thing, I could share my special interests with them and it's sorta true. One of my daughters is an artist like me and I taught her! She's a young adult now and it does get way easier the older they get. We can now enter the friends stage of a mother daughter relationship. One of my middle children is actually really fun to talk to because she's an info sponge about wildlife and Minecraft. I play Minecraft with her a few days a week and we build villages together. She taught me how to do everything on the game. It really helps her relax and is a fun bonding time. She loves it when I read her The Hobbit LOTR before bed. The third one is almost the exact opposite of me, she's a total girly girl and not showing signs of autism or ADHD at all. She's so outgoing and into sports, so we basically have to do socializing with other adults when we take her to games. If not for her I don't think I'd prioritize leaving my house much for anything non essential. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a medieval torture wheel being stretched out! Sometimes I think there's got to be some benefits that makes it worth it for us all. My oldest has a job, social life and driving a car- so I have hope. She's doing better than I was when I was her age and even years older.
I relate to this so much. I struggled a lot during my son's early years, it was honestly the toughest thing I've ever done - it really highlighted a lot of my neurodiverse weak spots tbh.
What I've noticed is that society is about competition and gaining power, hence people of higher intellect and psychopathic tendencies tend to be at the top, making terrible decisions for everybody else. Society has become more toxic lately, because the "firmware" of (neuro) typical people "culture" is at a crisis point, because of a shift in tradition and what is considered common sense. The factory model of civilization and society is reaching breaking point. Well that is what I've observed at least. As a general underlying construct.
More and more I'm thinking that the neurotypical hierarchy in groups is perfect for the ruling class to control not only the thinking of the population, but their conversation. I was just in a bar and everyone around me was just talking about money and things. I suppose that's what they thought they should be talking about. Seriously, the lack of conversation about anything meaningful or real is making people stupid as hell. This has always been a problem, even many years ago, but the conformism I see around me is actually worse now than anything I've seen before, and I'm in my seventies.
Arriving at a gathering. Nothing has started yet. Every other early arriver gathered in small groups, engaged in animated conversations. Me: wandering aimlessly and feigning interest in spots on the wall. Avoiding eye contact, not wanting to engage; and at the same time, wanting nothing more than to connect with another human. Yeah
Also autistic here. I'd like to share my perspectives & learned experiences of these things: 1. I think the families & kids thing is partially bc allistics are far more suseptible to social conditioning. They see everyone living their lives this way from a very young age & think that's what they HAVE to do. Of course, I'm sure many of them would've made this decision either way and many who would've chosen another life path if they hadn't felt so pressured by society to have kids have no regrets, but the more we see society accept and normalize people living for themselves, the more we're seeing people put off marriage or live single, childfree lives. (Also, hate to say it, but a LOT of couples get pregnant by accident & decide to keep the kid. It is terrifyingly common.) 2. I obviously can't say this definitively without knowing which situations you were thinking of, but I've learned that things are NOT as difficult for them as it is for us. I think there are a few reasons they say this, but most of it boils down to a fear of the disabled and the worry that we will change society to accomodate ourselves, which they percieve as "unfair" because they've made their struggles part of their identity. They refuse to recognize that some people aren't capable of doing what they've done. I didn't even realize I had ADHD until I was around 21/22 because people were repeatedly insisting it was entirely normal to be late for work sometimes or to lose things, but I was showing up late for work daily, always because I was frantically turning my house upside down trying to find things or having to turn around and run back home after realizing I forgot something important (I've even forgotten my glasses & my work uniform before). People with "normal" brains don't have to keep a checklist by the door with things they need when leaving the house to ensure they have everything. 3. I've heard the average office worker only does 4 hours of work per shift, so apparently the answer is basically nothing. 😂 When they are working, I think it's mostly putting data into spreadsheets. Like sales and expense reports. It makes it easier for the company to make changes when large amounts of data are condensed into smaller forms. 4. I think it's a power and social hierarchy thing. Neurotypicals tend to assign more respect and value to people who sit at the top of the social hierarchy. The fact that you can lie, cheat, bribe, and manipulate your way to the top and the fact that people who do everything right can still end up stuck at the bottom don't seem to be relevant to them. Neurotypicals tend to respect power and social influence while neurodiverse people tend to look more at actions and behaviors. 5. I think they percieve it as a way of bonding? Like they're trying to find something the two of you would "obviously" share the same opinion on and striking up a conversation about it to strengthen an emotional bond. As for why they choose to do it by being mean to strangers, I'm not entirely sure. I think they believe its acceptable because that person is unaware people are saying things about them and so the NT thinks that its okay as long as they're able to dodge the consequences? Either way, I still think its mean and nasty behavior. 6. I've noticed this is both based on culture and on the type of event. Forgive me fkr stereotyping, but to give an example, if you went to a gathering at a German's house, most people will arrive within 15 minutes of the start time. For a hispanic house party, the earliest people show up half an hour late. I've found every NT thinks the way they were raised is the "correct" time to show up and they will gossip about the people from different cultures for not showing up at the same time as them. Basically there is no "correct" answer. Show up when you think is appropriate and if people question you, just tell them its how you were raised. But if you consistently show up over an hour early to parties, it may be good to message the host in advance and ask "do you really expect everyone to be showing up by x time? I dont want to get there way before everyone else unless you need some help setting up." I find that as long as you are careful not to imply that you're worried about inconveniencing them by showing up early and are clear on the fact its a lack of understanding of social expectations, people will answer honestly.
This video is so relatable! Especially the part about how others feel the need to comment on other people. I was raised in a home with a very judgmental Mum, she would constantly make quips about people's appearances and was very vain all through my childhood (the type to prioritize buying cosmetics and then pawn off *my* belongings when I was at school to make up the difference so she could buy groceries). As I got older, a lot of people drawn to me were the types that enjoyed partaking in this behavior as well; I know now that's because I was an easy target for whatever ego-driven intent they had. Anyway, my point is that as an adult I make sure to call myself or others out when I notice this petty behavior pop up - work out why the reflex was there to say such a thing, acknowledge that it's unhelpful + why, learn, and grow from it. I've pushed a lot of people away with this, and that's absolutely fine with me! I refuse to be a part of any relationship or group that would take delight in such a thing. The world is hard enough as it is and it's insane just how conditioned into us it is to put others down, or to judge them for ultimately arbitrary features of their existences. We're all just trying to live, man... why are people like this?
I also don't get the ritual of picking out "weird"/"bad" things about people to make fun of! My parents always draw my attention to somebody they think looks weird or bad and I just... never have energy to care? I guess I can understand it as a form of social communication similar to gossip. But then I REALLY don't get when people get MAD at me if I don't join them😅Like, why are they mad at me for not joining in and agreeing that some random person's outfit looks kinda bad? Why's it matter if it does? Really bizarre lol
They might be judging others because they are trying to point out how "abnormal" those people are and how "normal" we (the family) are. If your family has neurodivergent members, it's likely this is a belief that's been passed down, which is based in shame and ableism. Shame that teaches children to not be weird at all costs. Any threat to the family's reputation of "normal" (such as you doing or saying things outside the norm), and you become the judged. It's really common in neurodivergent families without diagnosis to have long histories of trauma because of this hypervigilant form of judgement. Judgement is usually just because we don't have enough information to make a fully informed opinion or decision, so we compensate by judging that thing. We all must live how it makes us feel best and show those afraid to be themselves, that there are many other ways.
Also, I need people to give me a specific time when we are going to do something and I also need to know what time we are leaving the house or what time they are picking me up. I just don’t want to be the reason for being late
The closest I've ever been to an office job, and I only did it for 1 day, was delivery coordination. But I learned the phone calls were either customers asking questions about their order, like when it would arrive, asking to reschedule, or to complain about a recent delivery. Or we were calling the other side of the store to let them know a truck arrived for their department or asking them about the status of a shipment they needed to gather. The paperwork was what we have received on a recent truck, or printing out the orders that need to be organized and shipped that morning, what trucks we were going to be receiving that day, orders that need to be gathered from around the store to ship out later that week. I think it helped give me a general idea of what other desk work was like, so it seems a little less mysterious than before.
So I have an "office job" from home and I work for a company that owns mobile home parks around my metroplex. I do accounts payable so I go through all the bills and utilities to make sure charges are accurate and make sure everything gets paid on time. The emails could be someone asking when they'll get paid or I could email someone and ask what charge x,y, and z is for. And I also wish places would be more specific about the time details because I take them literally too. I usually say what I mean and assume others do too but I've also shown up at the time shown only to find that the doors are just being unlocked and the event isn't actually taking place at that time. Nonsense!
0:59 You could get that out of a platonic relationship or "found family". Don't feel like you have to pursue a romantic relationship with someone in order to build meaningful connections.
The arrival time thing is so annoying. We have a service in my country where you book a public healthcare appointment online. It's really hard to find a slot and you have to log in at certain days and times to schedule even something simple as a dentist appointment for a month away. So finally I found at 9am at a public hospital and I went... Told them my appointment time, they gave me a hospital card or whatever and after getting lost about 5 times trying to find the correct room because they are numbered in a non-sensical way... I'm talking: room 5 is at the entrance and then follow room 11, 23 and then you get to room 2 in some weird corner in the middle of a hallway. So I get there, I'm on time and there are 6 other people waiting for the same room. Why? What's the point of the slot system then if everyone just comes and waits. And I look at my paper and it says "estimated time of appointment 11 o clock". Bish no! My appointment was at NINE! I woke up at 7.30 to be here on time, I am not sitting for two hours in this dirty, dark, overstimulating room, without anything to do with a bunch of sick people moaning all around. See you when the system gets its shit together.
Hi Dana. If I were to date, I not interested in having kids personally. I want a partner to do hobbies and interests with. I'm 40 years old. Still not interested in having kids, and I'm fine with that.
Ello 😀 nice little can of worms there. I have similar things that I don't get but what helps is remembering that those of us who are on the spectrum are a minority and the world is structured for the majority. Like you I am angered by those who do not accept 'unusual behaviour', it's usually because they don't understand and it frightens them causing ridicule or physical abuse as a result. Anyone who doesn't exhibit typical behaviour is a threat. I don't understand many neurotypical behaviours but I have come to see that most things they do are centred around the acquisition of wealth and the power it brings. Apparently it's a competition that is encouraged because it's how the economy works. eg.The more you have,the less you have to do, it's what they all dream about and for many the only game worth playing. It's all bloody daft to me. Waffled a bit there. 😂👍
One question I have: why is the 'specific harm' (keep reading, it'll make sense) of small humans not talked about more? Why don't we see more in the news about it? Why do none of the political parties speak on it? Why isn't there more education for the small humans, the parents, teachers, care takers? It's, in my opinion, one of the most prevalent threats for our society, our future generations, health care system and justice system. Speaking of, why aren't the laws being changed for this sort of crime? Wether it's a small human or an adult being targeted. Wether it's happening in real life or online. It makes me so angry. I'm contemplating going into politics to make a change. I just can't wrap my head around why it's not being talked about. It's happening every day, everywhere. And it boggles my mind how actually naive/uneducated/ignorant people are. So many have no idea how important and dangerous this topic actually is. I see it in my own family. And most women have a story to tell. It's just being brushed aside. Terrifying!
I think people primarily date for sex, intimacy and companionship. If you feel fulfilled in those areas already, then there's no need to be dating. It's definitely better to be single than to be dating someone that isn't right for you.
Most of these are complete mysteries for me too. I suppose when it comes to appointments, I try to be on time, and if that's too early for the inviting person, I don't really care. xD (But I offer to help with the setup etc. Often they were just running late with the preparations.) But when it comes to relationships, I do have a strong intuitive need for them. Most of it was that I felt broken and incomplete, like a car with two wheels missing or something, and thought that a relationship would fix that. So your approach seems more healthy. My first relationship did mostly fix that, but not having the problem in the first place seems strictly better. (My feeling of brokenness was partially rooted in gender envy, partially in not knowing whether I'd be able to sustain a relationship, and partially in some sort of negative feedback cycle where my self-conscious self-talk becomes maximally scathing because I lack any feedback on how much nicer friends (not necessarily partners) actually are to me.)
The start time one gets me. I just sent invitations to a BBQ, I told people what time we're cooking from instead of a general start time to avoid people turning up an hour late.
The people at the top of the hierarchy make the rules and are often be the ones that lack empathy (sociopaths) as that's how many leaders get to the top (usually by trampling on people to get there due to their greed etc). In my opinion they like to have power and control and to be admired/worshipped, so ensure there rules/laws etc keep this in place hench the real people doing the work appear to have less relevance etc and they like it that way and we all have been trained through schooling to comply with those rules and accept them as the norm in society without question. I went through much of life believing that a lot of failings in society were just due to incompetence but after studying psychology and sociology I now believe it's done deliberately with negative intentions for a greater/bigger agenda, and most systems are corrupted (I'm now more understanding of many of the conspiracy theories out there). I believe that the people in power/at the top of the capitalist chain (the sociopath/psychopaths) have bad intentions for the rest of society and are using many psychological techniques in order to keep us as slaves to the corrupt systems they control because they want to play God/have ultimate control and to have the rest of society as dumbed down compliant slaves to keep them rich etc. One of the techniques is to have us all divided through different means in order to stop people questioning the real issues that are going on and pushing back against them. I believe that timing for events is one of those unspoken rules of 'the normies' and it sucks as I have zero idea what the heck is going on/what I'm ment to do! As for the other stuff you mentioned I have forgotten as my brain is tired from thinking and typing lol 😂
I want a child to love and nurture. And also to have family for life. Not really to have someone to do things with. Although I would like a partner for that. Am nt.
I have to admit that a big part of my having my spouse and child revolves around doing stuff together and that's works for me personally. If I didn't have them, I would not have anyone to do stuff with and probablywould not be able to go out much on my own with my anxiety. I haven't made a new friend since high-school and she and are are now long distance friends at least.
I probably should have stated I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it! I just have very minimal maternal instinct or desire to have a child, so I’m always wondering what it is that makes people actively want to 😂
The time thing also gets to me, and with community things it's also ending times and ending prompts. I was at a Creative Morning at my local museum cafe, was worried I was running ten minutes late because buses, but everyone was still chatting and didn't start for another twenty minute...then at the end they said 'we need to wrap up as they need the cafe back', but everyone was still talking and I felt really awkward about whether it was really over or I was expected to leave yet when it wasn't officially time yet...
tbh a lot of the world is designed wierd when you look at it, but people don't see the wierdness due to having busy lives and being invested in it. I dont think people have kids to have something to do but I do think some people get into relationships to have someone to do things with, and I dont think thats a bad thing, some people like to do their own thing and some people like company ^^
3:35 Girl! I have been feeling this exact same way lately!!!!! Make it easier for everyone and then maybe autistic people could manage to push through!
Likes are meant to boost your channel in the algorithm. I don't understand the point of jobs outside of money but why was money given the value that it has? Who made it a common thing? Why? Why did people agree to it? Why do they continue?
Money was invented so that people could trade commodities without having to find the specific person willing to trade what one had for what the other wanted.
@@tracik1277 thank you. It's still a bit confusing bc of the power money has over people. Like, was there no opposition or warning how things might get outta hand or go wrong?
@@rahbeeuh I’m sure there was, I guess it happened gradually. There came a point when a system of representational exchange was required as trade and population outgrew the simple bartering system.
@@tracik1277 I s'pose it did. I also have dyscalculia (math disability) so the concept of money just tends to confuse me. Thanks for the startin' point btw. I appreciate it
@@rahbeeuh 🤗 I have dyscalclia too, I started to struggle past addition and subtraction and often write or read the wrong numbers and don’t realise. Pages of info with dates and times and money amounts just get totally mixed up in my head, so finances and train times/ticket prices I need help with. I can’t count cash very easily either, which can be embarrassing. I can’t even keep count on my fingers very well. However, I’m very good at estimating dimensions, length, straight lines and if things are level. This avoids needing to use numbers for some things, but no help with money matters or time management.
Brilliant piece Dana. I'm in my mid 50s & the closer I get to answering those questions, the more mysteries they create 😂 If you fancy bashing out some of these questions on screen with myself (& maybe 1 or 2 others) one day, then give me a shout😁
Excellent video! And now to the answers: 1. Yes 2. Money (I need a more specific example but take the DMV… it could e made better but lawmakers would rather enrich themselves than grant funds for it) 3. Because the importance of the people at the top is a myth that enriches those in power so they perpetuate it 4. Envy, resentment, externalization of discontent, dissatisfaction. Also people in the UK seem overly concerned with how everyone behaves or appears. Your reaction (or lack thereof) to behaviors and things that don’t affect you would be completely the norm in some cultures. 5. Completely depends on the culture you are in. The variation in time expectations is so great from culture to culture that it’s notoriously vexing for people who go to live in other countries with different cultures. The only way to know is to watch the pattern of what others do in order to establish a baseline of what is the norm. 6. You lost your voice because maybe your mind got distracted for half a second due to a momentary hiccup in the complex neural pathways required to compile the syntax and coordinate the muscles to complete the sentence in just the right order! Honestly your questions make perfect sense. I wouldn’t even gather a connection to autism or any other neurodivergence from these questions alone. 🤷♂️ also you could totally develop this into an observational humor style standup comedy routine because I think most people can completely identify with these questions!
From what you've said you're firmly on the left of politics. You believe in equality and oppose systems that ensure unnecessary hierarchy. But from an autistic pov, which I am, I totally understand how literally you think. I also question what people in office jobs do. The ins and outs of someone's day.
I was an "office worker" (an intern) for a year, and the job was just to make the boss richer 😂 that's it 😂 but really, the emails and etc was mediating between clients paying and receiving their services/attending their classes (it was a private school) Now, about the time thing, in Brazil it's a whole social thing-experience regarding saying "it starts X time" and knowing that means you should be there an hour after that 🙃 I hate it lol it's common for people to be late for appointments because of that, and I really value my time planning
Most of my answers feel like they're aren't telling you something you don't already know, but you asked. 1. I'm sure there are some people who start families for that, but probably not a large percentage. Anyone who expects their kids to like doing what they like doing is clueless. 2. "If some things are really difficult for everybody, why don't we just make them easier?" With your broken system example, there's a lot of reasons. For one thing, a few people benefit from it being hard for everyone else, and since they have the power, they're good at keeping it that way. The rest of us are divided and conquered. Some of us try to change the system but are thwarted by the system, those in power, and the rest of us who are brainwashed in various ways into wanting things to stay the way they are. You're an outsider (so am I), so you're asking the right questions, but people can't answer them because they're either running the system or brainwashed by it. The person who couldn't explain their job to you is a great example. An anthropologist, David Graeber, wrote an essay about work and eventually expanded it into the book, "Bullsht Jobs: A Theory". I've seen him interviewed about the subject, but I still need to find a copy for myself. 3. "Why do other people comment on other people?" Unusual things get talked about by people. Some of these people are curious, some are confused, some are judgemental, etc.4. I've never encountered this problem, but I know it exists. I guess it's one of those unspoken rules that isn't exactly prevalent except within certain groups. "I said to be here at 4. You're an hour early." "But it's 4 now." "Exactly." "What?" If I kept up running into that problem, I'd probably learn to ask for specific wording. "Services start at 11." "Is that when the doors open, or am I late at that point?" Oh, I just thought of an example that happens here. If I'm going to a movie that starts at 11, it doesn't. That's when the lights go out and the trailers start. I can get there before 11 to get a better seat -- maybe 15 minutes earlier. If I'm way too early, I can just sit or stand in the lobby. I usually bring something to read.
1. I am an AuDHD parent of an adult Autistic son, who lives nearby with my ex, who I was married to. Getting married and choosing to have children (well, one, as it turned out, for practical reasons) was in large part me doing what people around me expected. And I was doing that partly (in retrospect) to mask, and partly because I have drifted through life finding it very difficult to make my own decisions. But what I really look for now in other people is closeness and pleasure in doing stuff together.
Hi Dana, you have to complete the loving thrill of knowing you have completed your personal journey, which is, whatever you are trying to achieve, and, whomsoever you pick up or don't along the way is, incidental. Our life histories will not feature most of our passing dreams anyway. Even if we spend all our lives in fulfilment. Being human, being autistic, is a chance to create glowing achievements that speak for us. Many of them. Many, many of them. Whenever you feel down, one side of you yearns for fulfilling interactions... The other yearns to go on achieving. That side of things is far more important. I think, anyway. Sincerely, Matthew (also autistic, they think!)
omg, the bit about arriving on time... I went to my grandfather's house for a little family barbecue (to cheer up my grandfather because he's in palliative care), and my sister told us to come for 1pm. My parents and I get there right about 1, and everyone's already there, chairs set up, sprinkler set up for the little kids, and I'm like, "Do we look like we're late?" Nobody said anything, so I don't think we came across as latecomers, but it felt weird. Another time I went to my grandparents' house (same grandfather; my grandma has since passed) with my parents when they had visitors that my mom wanted to see (family friends or whatever), and my grandfather said, "Oh, you're early, we haven't had dinner yet" (when we were bang on time) and we had to sit in the living room in awkward silence while they ate dinner. THAT particular time felt deliberate.
I really relate to that, i freaked out at a concert becasue it said it started at half 7 but it was actually half 9 i hated it lol . its important to have a community but its like you say if we dont have kids its like nothing to do really , wanted to say i really wnjoy your videos ans i feel less lonely and im not afraid to say that at all. I live in west yorkshire and its like....just shit to be honest
one reason, as an ASD one can surmise that we would get married, etc., is one), companionship, if they don't like animals as company, then humans are it; two) to prove to us, AND OTHERS, that we can have "inter-human" relationships, beyond just acquaintances (people we co-habit a space with, like on a train, bus, or in a building) if we are HIGH functioning, and have the skills to, and aren't afraid of it, or the negative responses.
Extremely relatable video. I literally don't understand anything about our society and capitalism. Especially the part when you said that people who put things on shelves "aren't important" when they're literally doing some of the most important work that keeps society afloat.
I do overthink pretty much overthink & over-analyse everything about society & culture; & it does seem like 'normal' people will do lots of things simply to have to something/someone to talk to.
I have children and I did it not because of societal pressure but probably biological pressure along with the genuine desire to raise a human with the person I love. I decided when I was young that if I never found a worthy partner to parent a child with, that I wouldn't be heartbroken if I never had a kid of my own. But if the circumstances were right I would be up for it. They're definitely somebody to do stuff with and because I have my own little family that we made we're definitely not lonely! I don't see or talk to my extended family much, they're busy and far away from me. My kids give me plenty of things to focus on. There's cons of having children, as a late diagnosed autistic person though! Something to think through is they will disrupt whatever routine and lifestyle you had previously (maybe it's not all so bad that they tend to do this). Peace and quiet? Good luck with that lol noise reducing ear defenders or plugs are your friend. I can still hear everything without the headaches. Organization will be tampered with. My toddler loves to pull all of the books off the shelf every day and rearrange my pantry. I still think it was worth it. I just savor my alone time when I find some to regulate myself. Right now my husband took all the kids to the park so I can have some more peace and I'm using it to write this novel 🙂 I love the idea of adoption too, I would definitely do it if I could. Adoption is made a bit difficult because they expect you to be rich or well off to be allowed to adopt, but you don't have to be rich to give birth and raise your own kid. I can understand if you're adopting a child with a disability or medical needs that could be really expensive and only someone who can afford it should do it. Similar thing for fostering. I do understand the rules, they're mostly there for a good reason. It frustrates me, a bit, still that it can be impossible for people who would be great parents who want to adopt but can't.
Arrgh, the random judgey people commenting and pointing people out based on their differences! I despise those too and my family, especially my mom, are bad for it. It's just unkind.
3. (?) Yep. Don’t understand why most office-type jobs exist. Loathe capitalism. Abhor hierarchy and the idea that anyone is worth more than anyone else.
Regarding having a partner, obviously there is sometimes physical attraction - which may just be at the level of being of the desired gender - and affinity or even chemistry. However those things can come and go and often what keeps partners together is just having a shared relationship. If they live together the shared home deepens that link and it intensifies greatest if they have a children. All those things can also cause conflict and ultimately damage or even end a relationship but often they bring partners together. It's not unusual to find people who've been together for some years who don;t really have a "special bond" but just being a long-standing couple gives them common interests and they see themselves as a unit more than two individuals. While attraction and love are maybe the ideals perhaps ultimately most people just like to have that exclusive link even if the relationship isn't that exciting..
5. (?? - sorry, very bad at counting today!) One of many things to hate about parties is ‘fashionable lateness’. Why not have ‘fashionable rudeness’ or ‘fashionable theft’?
being autistic really does just feel like this its like "Why though?" about SO much stuff. but especially the one about other being judgemental like I just. dont care. what other people DO if theyre not hurting nobody. WHY DOES IT MATTER!? A guy who comes into the charity shop I work in talks to himself, he has no internal monologue it seems, he just says every thought he has out loud but, you know, at conversational volume hes not loud and not muttering either and the AMOUNT of people who stare at him like hes eating children and give him dirty looks like why do you care bro hes literally living his life not hurting nobody and you know what? the only time I served him for a purchase was an electric race kit like with remote control cars and he said he was getting it to play with his nephew cause hed really like that and its like. Oh. Hes a good uncle. and you all judge him for something that doesnt matter.
I’m autistic and so is my partner of 8.5 years (we’re 27 & almost 30 and only got diagnosed this year). We’ve know for a long time that we want kids one day, and now we know there’s a good chance they’ll be autistic like us. I agree it seems like a lot of neurotypicals have kids because that’s what’s expected of them and I think that sucks because the kids will sense that their parents didn’t really want them. I wouldn’t even consider having kids if I didn’t really want to. I guess I experience that instinct you mentioned, but it didn’t happen until I met my other half. Before then (we met when I was 18) I really thought I’d never have kids. I get what you mean about wanting people to do stuff with; that’s generally why I wish I had friends lol. I get that from my partner because we have a lot of common interests and spend most of our time together (he’s also my best friend) but there’s more to it than that. I don’t know if it’s what you’d call ‘love’ but I feel like I can be myself around him (in other words I can unmask) and never tire of him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, continue to grow and experience life’s hardships and joys together. Personally I don’t want to have kids just to do things with them (although I see what you mean). I just feel like I have a lot of love to give and I’d like our family to grow and I feel like it’s the next step in our relationship to create human beings together (lol) and watch them grow into their own unique person and give them the tools they’ll need to live their lives to the fullest. Most people in our situation would have got married but it makes no sense to us so we just won’t 🤷🏻♀️ I definitely think people shouldn’t have kids if they don’t want to, and they shouldn’t have them for the wrong reasons (to have someone looking after them when they’re old, or because that’s what society expects them to do, etc). My parents had me for the wrong reasons and it caused me a lot of pain so I wouldn’t want my kids to go through it too. I have times when I think ‘can I do this? Is it a good idea?’ For example I’m going through horrible burnout right now and can barely look after myself so that makes me think ‘would it be irresponsible of us to have kids when we know we go through periods like that?’ But then I think even neurotypicals struggle at times and it doesn’t mean they can’t be good parents 🤷🏻♀️ I get what you mean, I don’t understand the point of most jobs or hierarchy 😂
1. No. Does almost every other mammal on earth pair-bond and have offspring to 'have more of their kind to do stuff with?' Having a family is just a normal biological drive. We'd die out as a species if people didn't do that. Doesn't mean everyone will have that instinct but the majority do. 2. There's ultimately a small group of people who control things and have so much power and wealth that they do not want to rescind that power at all costs. Look up E Michael Jones and his work if you want to know more about that. 3. I relate to this one. I think people are so insecure and caught up in their own boring trivial lives that commenting about others like this makes them feel better. Because we're a social species that depend on others we also constantly feel the need to validate that we are socially acceptable so that we don't get ostracised by the group, because that would result in probable death. 4. Yeah I don't get this one either. The time stated should be the time the things starts.
Elon musk and the like are considered "more important" because under capitalism they are. He is a member of the capitalist class, it looks like he doesn't do anything to us because he doesn't, he isn't a worker he is a capitalist. Capitalists buy and own the things in society that produce value and use it to generate wealth for themselves. Essentially if a person owns a thing that generates wealth for them, that is considered "capital". Stocks are capital, corporations are capital, investments are capital, property is capital, workers are capital. Capital generate wealth without the person needing to work. Capitalism is a system where capital is the main driving force in the economy and it is privately owned by individuals called capitalists, the idea that these value generating things should be something a person can own is Capitalism. Capitalists then use that extracted wealth to maintain their power over the rest of us, because obviously they like being unimaginably wealthy and not having to work. He isn't smarter or anything, he is just a member of a fundamentally different class of person in society. Things don't work the same way for him as they do us.
Y'mean you go to a church that's not open an hour before service starts? 😮 Idk that wasn't a common thing. (My American might be showing 😅). I know other countries have their customs but I thought all churches open before service.
Nope, seems to open at about 10:55, service starts somewhere around 10 past, sometimes 15 past 11, finishes around 12, then we have 45 mins to an hour in the cloister to have tea and biscuits and chat, except the last Sunday of each month when it’s the congregation lunch and we all go into the hall and eat together until around 1:30 😅 I’m so interested in how different churches work, especially being so comfortable at this Unitarian church after being so uncomfortable in some catholic and Christian churches 😅
@@DanaAndersen Initially when I read 'catholic or Christian churches' I was about to ask if you meant 'protestant' instead of 'Christian'. I searched what a unitarian church is and am a bit confused by the results as there seems to be 2 distinct branches of 'unitarianism'. Maybe it's my upbringing in Northern Ireland, but I always associated 'church' with the Bible. Northern Ireland's history means I was very aware of it seeming like it was 'catholics vs protestants', with lots of denominations under the protestant title like Presbyterian, Baptist, etc, so I guess that's why I would ask that initial question that came to mind. Some posts talking about the history of unitarian churches say they come from Christianity, so a unitarian church would be a Christian church, but then there's others that talk about 'unitarian universalism' or something (I've left the page now and already forgot what it said) that try to branch off from that history that are more of a meeting point for anyone who feels 'spiritual', not limited to Christians or people seeking that experience, and so not a Christian church. The two seem to exist, one believing in a singular God of singular form ('unit'), (compared to the 'Trinity' spoken of by, as my brain's perspective (upbringing, etc) wants to word it, most other denominations of churches), the other being more general about 'religion' overall with the view that every religion has something valid in a search for something more than this physical existence. Anyway, My experience with Presbyterian is the service starts at the time specified, or at least the motions to start at that time roll out then, so everyone is quiet and formal motions occur (choir join from a neighbouring hall to sit at the front, followed by the minister, etc). Musicians are playing for several minutes before hand as people gather, and I'd say the gathering time would be from around 15 minutes before that specified time for most people, although a few early ones will be present in the car park half an hour before that time, but the doors would be open from then for anyone to walk in if they wished, although they wouldn't be open an hour before the specified time. I thought this 15 minute, as you call it, 'gathering time' (a nice term for it I think) was pretty consistent across churches. There's a small gospel hall on our road (out in the country) which seems to have cars arrive at it pretty consistently 10-15 minutes before the start, with the first car up to 10-15 minutes before that again (but those early ones always wait in in their car for several minutes). People are still arriving right up to within 5 minutes of the stated 'start' time though in all cases, with the odd one arriving nearly bang on the time, although maybe less so at the bigger church building (although they may just not be as noticeable). It could be an unrecognised neurodivergent family member's observation, so not really valid for this gauging of society, but if the formal proceedings don't start within 5 minutes of the stated time they're called late. It doesn't, or at least when I was still going in person, didn't go beyond that many times.
@@DanaAndersen oh wow. Thanks for sharing! Church service (for me at least) starts at 9am, the praise team (think the choir but there's around 10 people maybe less sometimes) sings for praise and worship for around 30 to 45 minutes. The pastor or a visiting pastor preaches for around 45 minutes, sometimes there's Communion, the praise team returns to end service a brief benediction is given, and people can give tithes or offerings as they leave. I used to go to Old Baptist churches and those were all day affairs 😭 we'd have Sunday school before service, devotional after that, the sermon, prayer time/altar call, tithes and/or offerings, benediction, post service luncheon, evening service and sometimes dinner after that. I'd be so worn out from that. Tea and biscuits seems like the brunches or luncheons we've had after service. It is interesting how some of our experiences are similar while different but not too much of a difference. So long as we're there for the Lord is the important thing 🙏🏽
Why have kids? Biological imperative, preservation of the species, and I don’t mean to give offense by this but the recognition that it’s not all about me. I don’t think there was a good way to say that that doesn’t come off as nasty but that’s not how I intended it. There’s a lot of talk about kids being a burden and don’t get me wrong, they can be - but, as an autistic adult, so can I.
I understand your point but it’s fairly widespread knowledge that Elon is on the spectrum. I’ve not met the guy, but from what I’ve learned, he’s turned his special interest into companies… Tesla, Space X, The Boring Company, solar roofs, the boring company… he doesn’t just provide money, he’s an integral part of many tasks within the companies… and he’s got money… from a project he worked on with friends in high school which revolutionized the way transactions take place in businesses. Elon is in a league of his own.
“If some things are really difficult for everybody, why don’t we just make them easier?” Because usually what people mean when they say “we” is “someone else.” Lots of people want things solved but don’t want to be the ones doing the work. I mean, a couple hundred years ago, people were starving to death on the regular in the West. It’s easy to sit behind a screen and complain about this stuff but people have poured millions of gallons of blood, sweat and tears to give you that opportunity.
1. No. I found somebody who I enjoyed spending all my time with. There wasn’t any “objective” beforehand. 2. It’s not as hard for allistic people. They say it’s hard, but it’s not hard like it is for us. 3. Allistic people are very socially ordered, and social groups have hierarchies. Capitalism takes advantage of that. That said, you are probably under-valuing what it takes to actually start a business. 4. I have no idea. It makes no sense to me, but I suspect it has to do with that same social order. 5. This is a regional thing. Some places, it is the actual time. Others, it’s 90 minutes later. This is a stupid bit of society.
