Everything in this video is 100% the best advice ever. Red flags don’t mean ‘ask more questions’. Red flags mean STOP! Do not proceed. Turn around and RUN! Do not look back! Do not use Google to ‘research’ their behavior(s). “You didn’t break them. You cannot fix them.”
Families do not often tell truth about the person you are dating. Maybe they are hoping you will get the person out of their hair, or that the truth will ruin the potential partner’s prospects, or maybe the family has the habit of chronic non-disclosure about most things in general.
I remember I date my partner and met his mum … she told me that her son need therapy the same like his father - later I discovered everything, but when I understood my partner problems it was like I am the bad person because I said you are narcissist and it’s the reason why all the shit happened only because I want him to get therapy- but I was already psycho for them - because openly I spoke about psychology…
Exactly, I was married to a very beautiful husband whose family decided that he wasn't suffering from schizophrenia but he was. Hence everyone kept it a secret. Even when I was in danger, because schizophrenia comes in waves, they denied it and tried to gaslight me that I am lying, until finally he broke the silence and admitted that he was a schizophrenic in the past. I got almost killed in hid psychotic wave and filed for divorce. His family still hates me, especially his mother says that I am lying! Some parents are liars and even worse than their children! Needless to say that my ex mother in law has a lot of narcissistic traits.
If they won't disclose...don't be with that person...typically they get angry when questioned and their true selves are exposed. It's a beautiful thing...the truth will set you free.
Actually it's not completely true. They will tell you about themselves many times. From the start they are conditioning you to accept the abuse. If they told you somthing they did to somebody else, they assume you should accept that too very soon. Mostly they lie about how and why things happened when talking about 'abusive ex' etc. Especially if you notice it's one of those things they bring up very fast. Always talking about what other people did to them.
Exactly. I was interrogating my ex in the beginning because i was deliberate to protect myself. So he was saying everything i needed to hear. He said he only wants one woman ans stick to her. He was attentive, giving gifts, calling and admiring. And then gradually showed his true deceitful nature. And although, seeing that i didnt sleep with him or hookup with him casually, i was vigilant and it turned into a battle. Anyway, i got attached and it wad hard for me
That makes sense. As soon as people find out about the countless traumas and violent history in my past they tend to keep me at a distance. It's not easy being so messed up that therapists refuse to work with me. Thank you for your knowledge Doc. If I had not found your channel 2 years ago I would not have had the drive to grow and learn.
Todd, I am sad to hear of your past, I hear you and I hope you will continue to seek and find steps forward in your healing. When I remember that a baby is loved even though they contribute nothing but their presence, I remember I am worth caring for myself, and so are you.
@@myjoyisCHRIST Thank you Jennifer. When people such as yourself are kind and uplifting it gives me hope for a better future. I owe myself the healing and more so I owe my children a good stable life.
Bruh, you made a good choice to fix those traumas and violent past. I am going through the same journey, but I still have an issue that I can't get over, I have no problem beating the brakes off anyone whom tries to step on my toes. That's the only way I was taught to deal with the enemy. I know that is not the right way and I seek help to fix my evil ways but I still have not found the strength to overcome. I look up to warriors like yourself whom overcame this. If you have any input or any kind of words of encouragement I will definitely be grateful for your time and response. Blessings bro.
@@theworldfamousdjforeplay8988 I'm glad to hear that you are working towards bettering yourself. I spend about half an hour to brush, polish, and buff my vintage combat boots; so if someone steps on them I say something like "hey I don't step on your feet". In all reality things, weather our property or not; are just things. The way I look at it is the half hour I spend to fix a scuff is way less time wasted in a jail cell. I hate sitting in jail as apposed to being able to do things I enjoy.
Thank you Professor Vaknin. I will definitely vet my next partner more though way. It would have saved me a lot of heartache if I had done that in the past. If they “firewall” off a part of their sexuality or a fetish or refuse to discuss certain aspects, it is definitely a red flag.
Clumsy, accident-prone trustafarian ISO recreational parachute jumper/ cliff diver/ rock climber / underwater cave diver / poisonous snake handler for summer safari partner, must be wife material wanting a life-long adventure together. 🤞🤣
If you see red flags just run. Love yourself and protect yourself first and foremost. The amount of damage evil people can do is absolutely astonishing. The older you are the worse the trauma. Lesson learned.
@@lemondrop7305 trust me red flags are there you are being warned. Even with girlfriends too. But I understand because I had to walk through the fire and got burned. Badly. Take care of yourself. Please.
Why isn’t this information taught automatically to young adults? Actually if you’re taught anything it’s the opposite. “Your past is nobody’s business” and “if anyone asks you about your past they are just trying to judge you”. My first marriage would have never transpired if I had only known the fact that you cannot change anyone beforehand. Yes of course I learned it the hard way, that no matter what I did I couldn’t help him to stay away from drugs. As a society, we are teaching our young adults all the wrong things. That pretty much guarantee them extra hardships.
I suffered greatly from retroactive jealousy with my ex as he slept around willy nilly before he met me and showed a lack of commitment as he never wanted to marry me. My suspicions were right, he just wanted to use me. Wish this video was available back then. Thanks for sharing your knowledge Sam 👍
That's why in my arabic conservative society when parents arrange a marriage for their children they do an investigation first about the potential partner and his history even the history of his family members matters , I thought that it was too much and a bit controlling but now I understand
@@0-00-p7r it's a bit frustrating for couples nowadays because alot of them can't get married because their family didn't accept . It's not an islamic thing tho in islam a man can marry whoever he wants without the permission of his family
Thank you for the information. But given that people lie most of the time, (what reliable methods of cross-checking what someone says they did or did not do in their past with what they say presently). Apart from interrogating a potential partner multiple times, are there more affective ways of getting to know someone for instance meeting and socialising with their friends and family? Or asking more questions about their upbringing to try and find out about their attachment styles? In my experiences being upfront and honest at times invited mirroring from some people.
They give answers -- just not honest answers. I've oftentimes found that people will tell you about the version of themselves that they want to be, not who they are in that present moment. Sometimes it's not even done nefarious, they just don't know themselves. And if they haven't been honest with themselves how can they possibly be honest with you? I'm learning to look closely and believe the actions and non-actions that I SEE and trust my intuition. There are times when I have gone against my initial thoughts to give people the benefit of the doubt. In the end I would be the one to get burned. Not anymore. My life and time are too valuable to waste on people who don't mind wasting time.
After being cheated on by a long-term girlfriend I read every book I could find on how to spot liars and how to question people. The main technique I use is actually listening and asking follow up questions in a way that don't seem like I'm interrogating the person. People show themselves if you listen. I was getting to know a girl awhile back and she had claimed to be raised in abject poverty, including living in trailer parks and having meth addicted parents. But later she talks about being a cheerleader and similar activities, then about how her grandparents were well off and that she and her parents actually lived with her grandparents in a nice house. She also claimed to be an introvert and a hermit, but spent time with friends every day, went out to eat with friends, had get togethers and parties with friends nearly every weekend, roadtrips with friends. People can and will say whatever they want about themselves, but if you pay attention their stories or actions won't add up.
This came up on my feed. Listened. Great video. Your partners past IS your future. Dont be afraid to investigate. I thought I did. However I was already smitten. My life is now unraveling in a way I never saw coming.
@Sam, your points between 19:41-20:19 ripped the veil right off. You solved the mystery of what motivates the people who tend to cheat and act badly in relationships. Or those who seem to push and pull, refuse commitment and resist emotional intimacy. But jump right in the sack on day 1
Hi Dr Vaknin, do you believe in the idea that the higher the body count the more pair-bonding issues? Do you think these pair bonding issues are more of an issue for women?
Does that mean us that are f#ked up due to childhood trauma creating our ridiculous decisions and bad choices dictate a life alone...because I truly am trying to do the work to better myself through therapy and I do enjoy my alone time however I do crave like everyone else a person to have a beautiful connection with that would hopefully last for the rest of my natural life - whatever that may be...I am 38years old after all
Exactly! People change. People battle addictions, healing traumas and can and will have a good future with a good partner. We're not condamned forever.
Hi Sam, thanks for your videos and thanks for your advice today! 👍 Please tell something more about the psychological structure of people who are driven to choose a carieer such as war corespondent, fire fighter, soldier etc. PLS! It would be highly interesting for me! What does it say about the people? Why some want to go to danger zones, or rather want to be doctors, nurses?
To be a cop or soldier you need to have at least some proclivity to engage in extreme violence. for example killing the enemy in war for soldiers or shoot a person trying to commit a crime for cop ( both of these professions have a higher likelihood that the person will be violent in a relationship) law enforcement officials are over represented in domestic violence statistics . War correspondent and firefighters would most likely engage in risk taking behaviours and as such may be impulsivity in their personality. Now a nurse or a doctor will most likely have a nurturing/attentive side to them as their profession demands it and who wouldn’t want a partner that is nurturing
Especially important advice when you meet later in life, like in your 60ies, lots of baggage to share or not not to share, takes longer. But at the same time you have more experience to spot red flags.
I had to have a massive stroke before I would confess to my wife the number of partners I had before her. Additionally I cheated on her with. I wrecked her life and our kids life in doing so. I am ashamed of what I have done. I probably would’ve never told her if I didn’t have that stroke. I do not know what my wife could’ve done to get me to tell her the truth. I thank the lord that I got that weight off my chest and am much healthier spiritually/mentally since I told her the truth. Everything you have said is true. You are a good person and thank you for your video.
Prof., may I ask about this in regards to BPD. I have a BPD friend who takes this interrogation of prospective partners to the nth degree by exploding when she doesn't get what she wants, and then wonders why people run away within days or weeks. By the sounds of it I shouldn't hold too much hope but how do you teach someone to do this with integrity and not from a place of anger and fear? Because I know if she watched this it would just positively reinforce her bad behaviour as being perfectly justified.
Thank you so much for this content. My ex girlfriend has had many sexual partners and she’s been promiscuous in some cases! She was willing to cheat if finding herself in a tempting position (she’s been clear about it and it was intolerable for me).. she wanted to open the relationship and at the same time she was having the desire to be a mother.. for me all of this was not compatible together. I just firmly believe she’s broken inside by her past and that’s why she is so that way. At the beginning I was believing I was the close minded one but now I’m sure I made the right decision on letting her go. She will never be ready for being in a long term relationship
I would say IQ is a good predictor for the person's ability for self development and mental progress. I'm talking 130-140 here. Otherwise I'm never looking at someone's "potential".
A valid point I must say, but do consider my low IQ humble opinion that:- just as having a high IQ can result in positive life outcomes for some, it might lead others to develop superiority complexes and impaired reality testing owing to(unearned) the praise from peers, caregivers and teachers, which might actually demotivate them from actively struggling with life and maybe achieving something.
I knew that I was going nowhere with a guy when he told me that he'd dated another girl for 7 years and just broke it off. He was a classic time wasting type. And he is still doing the same.
I think its important to understand your own biases too when looking and asking questions especially early on when the rose colored glasses of love are on. I learned that the answer is the answer, whether through question or obvervation...accept it at face value. I agree 100%....ask questions. Take your time to make the right decision for your life....or you may find yourself taken through a hell you never dreamed of. Ive learned attraction is one thing...but its not everything when it comes to a partner...a relationship runs deep. Make good roots with the person so you can grow together
@@fooled_twice4668 I've had a hell of a lot better...... before and since. Just need to keep perspective on what is actually real. Don't make something that should have lasted a summer into a lifetime commitment. It won't work.
Enjoy the process of really getting to know someone. If they make it past the initial pre-qualification (i.e. no crimainal history, severe mental health issues, no history of infidelity/premiscious, scandals, violence, toxic past behaviour, toxic family, etc). Then still see if they walk their talk before you define anything. Most often people hide all the bad things and you dont find out the truth until you give them time to reveal themselves. Quality is hard to find so vet your future partner very carefully. . Amazing advice as always, Sam!! 🌺
ok but to what extend . i undestand that certain things must be talked about in order to get to know your partner but interrogation . i mean litterally . when we start talking about my past it takes hours before i have a breakdown because when i was single i was seeing hookers . and she goes into details . tell me to rate them , asks me about the details of the interaction over and over again . and when i do mix things up lets say i rated a prostitute named B an 8/10 and A a 7/10 and a month later she brings it up asks me again and this time i rated prostitude named B a 6/10 she call me a liar . she says she needs to know everything about me , and i should never lie to her because she never lies ever in her life .
I'd love to hear other people's views on this... I agree wholeheartedly with what Dr. Vaknin is saying, but obviously people lie. I have just had a mercifully short but still traumatic relationship with someone with BPD. I told myself not to rush it, but the fictions she created were so compelling that I ended up giving way...lesson learned. For me, as soon as a relationship becomes sexually intimate I'm fully invested emotionally. Now, here's the problem...I think to really know someone well enough to proceed to that next level of intimacy I would want to be seeing them regularly for at least a month. But in 21st century western society I think most women (and I've polled my female friends on this) will think there is something wrong with a guy if after one or two or maybe three dates he isn't initiating sex. Of course from one perspective this is great, because you've weeded out the undesirables, but on the other hand there might be really good women who are so used to an early move to sexual intimacy (because, frankly, it is the norm in most western societies) that they will scared off by a guy who might seem a) insecure, b) gay , c) doesn't make the woman feel desired, or d) something much darker. There's a part of me as I'm writing this that is saying - "Great, if you have explained your position and she is impatient or frustrated by your slow pace, then she's not right for you", but another fearful side that imagines being very, very lonely. Of course I know the correct answer to this question (hold your ground, be yourself), but I'd just love to hear what other people think.
Thank you Professor Vaknin for this sage advice. It brought me to tears because I had experienced the indignant reaction from a potential partner when I began to ask questions of his past dealings. He got very upset and said I asked too many questions, in which he blocked me for nearly a month. How can I feel safe starting a relationship with someone I can't even ask important questions? Thank you many times over for affirming that asking questions judiciously should be a prerequisite when getting to know a potential partner.
THIS IS VITAL .. ONCE AGAIN I THANK YOU DEARLY PROF .. TRULY A SOUND FOUNDATION FOR LIFETIME PARTNERSHIPS ESPECIALLY .. ARE THE NEED TO KNOW OF THE LIFE STYLE PREFERENCES OF YOUR POTENTIAL PARTNER ARE BEST FOUNDED ON SOLVENT TRANSPARENCY .. A PEACEFUL EVENING TO YOU .. ALWAYS .. B .. X 💫🖤💣🖤💫
before something like "interrogation" which sounds not very friendly in common life" is very quick and easy start to make internet research, who is the person friend with, which whom he is on publicly seen photographs, what kind of occasion, are these people somebody who you see as acceptable to meet?, what are his/her activity and how it matches with you, because If you are not looking just for sex relation some together activity and interests are for long time relation ship necessary.....:), And pray not to belong to the group of smart people who is looking for equally intellectually equipped person, because than number of possible connections lowers rapidly:)
As a recovering alcoholic I want to say a casual screw you ,... but understood and your comments have if nothing else galvanised my resolve. I don't want to ever return to the bottle,... all the other things you had to say preach - validation chasing and people pleasing was all she ever did... tyvm for your statements.
Sometimes I can't help but Wonder is the narcissist becoming a modern-day scapegoat. Sometimes the things that I hear about narcissists frighten me not so much about the narcissist but mob rule and mob thinking...
Former promiscuous woman here. CPTSD and attachment issues. Divorced. Haven't formally cheated on anyone but already crossed my mind. If any healthy guy interrogated me about my past, he would RUN! So what to do? I've been working on my issues and poor self-love since my divorce but this video makes me wonder. Will this "cheap" past of mine follow me until the very end like a scarlet letter on my chest? Will it vanish or blur at some point? Is CPTSD hopeless?
@@gamemonty Good point. Promiscuity may be my pattern when relating to people. However, I've been "sober" for almost ten years, so that could count as "formerly promiscuous". But yep, I think this conduct is a part of me, the result of my attachment issues and not only a past thing. And it won't go away. This video explains it "Relationships, Intimacy May Be WRONG for YOU (DMM: Dynamic-maturational model of attachment)".
@@rancho-relaxo-radio it is sad. Had to break up with a woman some time ago because she also was prone to promiscuity. Still is most likely. The reasons for her behaviour may be legitimate, but I had to walk regardless
It is ridiculous to think you will always be the promiscuous woman. This man gives no hope and what is life without hope? There are many amazing psychologist on RU-vid that give you answers and hope for change, and a bright future! Your past does not define you, only who you choose to be today and the days going forward. ❤️ I hope this helps.
@@gamemonty I think you did the right thing by walking away and thus, making yourself available for healthier people. I also had to walk away from a guy addicted to flirting. I wasted many years of my life with him and I lost myself along the way. I think that was a convenient relationship for me because I can't commit on a profound level (it was also a way to prove to myself that I could stop being promiscuous for a long period of time). My partner couldn't commit either, so it was comfortable for the two of us, but not a pleasant experience. Now I'm much happier alone.
Thank you for your invaluable insight Professor Vaknin! Would you please suggest which work by Carrie Cohen you refer to? I did a book search and found nothing matching. Many thanks, also for sharing your wisdom and knowledge.
I was in a relationship with a man for a month. The second date told me that I am a loyal person. I had an eight-year relationship, a five-year relationship and a one-year relationship. The first two have been broken because they pressured me to get married. The last relationship picked on me a lot. After a month, he went on holiday to see his family, and his behaviour became cold. He sent me short messages every few days and saw my messages very late. I believed that he had someone there or he didn't like me. I could feel that I could be like his previous girlfriends and waste my time with him.
10:01 Is The Main Key Of Building A Strong Bond & An Authentic Relationship With Ur Partner For Lifetime Or Any Kind Of Relationship With The Others.. Always Try To Be True With Yourself No Matter How Far That's Ugly/Sober To U, Reflects Also On Other Too!
It is quite hard to get information from females. They try to protect themself not to giving up personal information. Specially related to sexuality and childhood. And someone can just tell: i had normal and happy childhood. And the truth is just opposite. And sexual history is even more taboo topic.
If you call women females I understand why they wouldn't open up to you. Yes, we can sense you're that type even if you don't use this language in our presence.
But how do you know if someone is hiding? My ex with NPD still hides things from me, after 12 years together and 4 years divorced. He has a child that he didn't tell me about (conceived while we were married). He got me so mixed up in my head while we were together. How can you tell?
Knowledge is the key I guess. Study as much as you can and trust your gut as well. You are saying that your ex hides things from you. You KNOW IT and probably you knew it all the way from the beginning but you denied it. This is proof that you have that intuition and that it will work with other people and situations too. I guess intuition can be developed, so take the time to do it. I'm on that path too: knowledge + intuition. That brought us here. Good luck.
well lets look at this scenario, i have had sex with about 45 men within my 50 years. My last sexual relationship lasted 2 years only having sex with him because he asked yet he continued to have sex with multiple partners. My choices in men sucks!
How true this is. It is important to find out your partners resentments in life based on their past. Because they will act in a way to avoid the situations that would bring that type of resentment in their lives. They will do it in such a way. That the situation that would create the type of outcome they so try to avoid will inevitably happen
