I learned this lesson in my late 20's when I had a car accident on my way to visit a client (former social worker). Jobs come and go, but our time on this earth is limited and people tend to forget that. When my time comes, no job nor coworkers will miss me like my family or friends..
I’ve been working hard this year to revive friendships I’ve neglected while trying to climb the ladder, engage in extra curricular activities outside of work, and stick to a 40hour work week and nothing more. I’m doing this to ensure that I have a “full life” and “full identity” outside of my work life so when I move on from job, I still have something more to live for. My mantra is “get a life” for this new year.
I once worked in an industry where people defined themselves by their job. Once they left the industry, usually not by choice, they had a hard time coping. It was pathetic.
@@JenniferBrick fair point. I never understood how they enjoyed their D-list celebrity status. People only liked them for who they worked for and they got caught up in it. When I departed the industry, I felt relieved because I no longer had to determine who liked me for me rather than who liked me for who I worked for and what they thought I could do for them. Today, I still see many of those same people trying to get back into the industry; unfortunately for them, once you are out, it is rare to get back in.
People who are deriving identity, validation, and worthiness from their job title or company are filling a hole. A big gapping hole they don't know how to fill otherwise. My heart really goes out to them - because imagine if the thing that you think makes you respectable and admirable was taken away. This is why it's so important for us to talk about how each of us is worthy *because we are* - not because of what we do, know, or achieve.
My identity became enmeshed with my job because I was unconsciously trying to prove I wasn’t a bad person. Some things I did in my 20s (3 abortions) destroyed my self-respect. For a long time after, I poured myself into my work believing professional success would make up for my losses. It didn’t. The result was exhaustion and depression. My point is that it’s important to look for a trauma or tragedy that’s driving your life and get help.
Losing your job always sucks and it's always scary. It's even worse when you've based your identity on your title or employer. I feel bad that people are going through it, but I hope this helps them find an independent sense of self.
It's more than that, though. There's the matter of putting bread on the table, paying rent, buying diapers and baby formula. I wouldn't take these workers' loss lightly.
I lost myself in my last job and even though I’m 18 months out of that job, I’m finally at the place mentally, where I am exploring hobbies and new creative outlets, and it’s like I’m a kid again, figuring out what I like and want to do more on a regular basis. You can enjoy your coworkers and have a nice time with colleagues but to make it your only friend circle (as someone who did this), it’s a grief cycle when you’re coming out of that phase of thinking/life.
adding to the list of reasons why you might make your job your identity, if your parents are first generation immigrants the amount of cultural value placed on your job/career is really really high and also you feel the pressure of the sacrifices that your parents went through to live in a second country. 2 I think the US consumer culture makes it so that if your job salary is not similar to that of your friends, you might feel lesser or like you are dragging them down (I felt this when going through a long bout of unemployment). 3 if you work in tech as an engineer, your job can easily become your life because outside of work you probably still need to spend a good amount of time studying (to keep up with your current job and to keep up with the changes in the industry overall). so you can give up a good deal of personal time just to keep up and be sellable in the job space. I'm trying to make space for work life balance. also trying to think more about work as a way to support the type of lifestyle I would like to live but it is an everyday challenge
These are great points. And I say everything I did in my video as someone whose identity was centered on work until my mid-30s (and I did my professional development on my own time too), and I reached the executive level when I was 32. There is so much pressure to be and live a certain way so we can be deemed successful by society, to make our parents proud, and not to feel like the loser in our friend group. What I want to challenge everyone to do is ask themselves (and honestly answer): If I become and achieve those things - does that make me worthy? Is it what I really want, or do I want it because I'm supposed to? Am I putting in work my future self with thank me for, or hate me for? Of course, no right and no wrong answers. Trick is finding your answers - that's where happiness and fulfillment are.
I make a good salary for my age/location, but if I got fired today, I wouldn't give a damn honestly. That would light the fire under me to finally kickstart my entrepreneurship after working on it on the side for the past 4 years.
Thank you so much for this video! I am in medicine and my career took many years of higher education to achieve. My Husband has been preaching this message for months as I have been battling severe burnout. I needed to see this today.
The process and culture to establish a career in medicine is *intense* (not that I need to tell you that). It's also a purpose led career - which means it's inherently close to your overall identity. Keeping a sense of self outside of medicine will serve you though. And I have sooo much admiration for you! Careers in medicine require so much giving and sacrifice. All the more reason you need to make sure you're pouring into yourself as much as you can!
If you think about it, it makes sense that your job IS most of your identity. If we're going by the proportion of your time spent, your job or career easily takes the top spot unless you're unemployed or self employed. To me, if we're going to define your identity on something, it would make the most sense to base it on where you spend most of your waking hours. When we introduce ourselves to people, they will usually ask what we do for work. Barely anyone asks about your hobbies initially. Outside your family and close friends, people know you mainly by your job. Having said all that, even though your job is 80-90% of your identity, it is also very fluid and change in an instant if you get a job elsewhere or a promotion. Therefore we shouldn't be overly committed to our job if we don't like it.
I work for a company where I bent over backwards to cover shifts, arrive extra early, stay late, etc, and found out other co workers who did far less were getting paid more than me! I eventually asked for a raise, and they never got back to me. 6 months later they won’t raise my base and are “thinking” about a 2% increase on my commission. I eventually went down to part time and I barely cover anymore. There is no incentive to do otherwise because people who aren’t as qualified as I am working the same job and doing far less are getting paid more. I don’t even care if I get the raise now. I’ll work my hours and don’t ask me for anything extra anymore. Because after choosing my job over my relationships it didn’t get me anywhere.
I also used to up sell on product sales as well. They raised the base requirement so out of reach there’s no incentive for me to even try to sell product. Let’s say I need to sell $1000 in product minimum to receive a percentage of my sales. If I only sell $999 I don’t get anything. So there’s no incentive anymore.
2% :)))) That shit doesn't even cover inflation. You should first stop doing any extra work and make sure you only work your alloted time, not 5 minutes extra. If they start bitching about it, even in the slightest, start searching for a new job immediately.
I also worked for the same company. Joined just as my mom was in her final weeks of life, leaving me without close family. I was taken in by "ohana" talk and it really did a number on me. Ended up with a toxic boss and team, toiling for years for nothing (the boss played favorites). I'm still dealing with the PTSD and health issues from all that stress. Wish I'd known then what I know now.
I'm so sorry for your loss and what you went through, Monnica. That company does a good job of making it feel real in onboarding, and there are some great teams and great people... but it's Oracle work culture with better branding. A lot of folks I knew left because of toxic leadership. And I know a good number of folk from the 'ohana' who was just laid off too. I have a lot of videos on toxic job recovery on my channel, I hope they serve you 💜
True. Your job does not define you. Also there are some colleagues who would be the last person you would want to hang out with outside work, which proves that no colleague is your friend. Such as loud people who swear a lot, and smoke and drink regularly, deffo not the sort of person I would hang out with.
I saw a post on LinkedIn a woman getting ready to have her baby was laid off from Google. She was very worried and stressed and I hoped it didn’t have a bad effect in her baby. I reached out and gave her some recommendations for recruiters. I hope she sees your videos and doesn’t stress about a company or any company which will replace you in a heartbeat.
There have been a lot of pregnant people and parents on parental leave who have been impacted by the layoffs. It would be so scary - I hope she is able to use most of her severance leave to focus on a healthy pregnancy, delivery and bonding with her baby.
I haven’t watched this yet, but just want to say that I am so happy to have found your channel. I found it because I got passed up for a promotion and am kind of heartbroken over it, super angry, but trying to be classy and move forward. Gotta face the parts of yourself where you made mistakes, and that’s what I’m working to do, and your channel has been helping me so much. Only for the one night I’ve watched a few eps. Will be binging this weekend.
The notion of needing to be "always on" can be such a slippery slope at times, even when we've done the work to create new boundaries for ourselves. Since life is so multifaceted, we may be more inclined to focus our energy and attention on the areas of strength and neglect areas that are in greater need of focus at this moment. For instance, the career realm has always been an area I've shied away from truly going after what I want. After a while the person I was becoming at my job was the person I was becoming in all areas of life...burned out and unhappy. I realized I have to face this head on if I want things to change. Starting to see the subtle shifts in the positive direction now.
I actually feel really bad for a lot of the Creators whose audiences cared more about a day in the life at Google versus the actual Creator. It's going to sting right now. I also used to have the misconception that everyone in big tech companies was super smart and talented. Then I worked in one and with others... and they're all just normal people.
Hi Jennifer, I’m new to your channel and your videos have been a breath of fresh air. Especially the outdated advice about job hopping. I always felt I had to stay at a job I outgrew because it looked bad to job hop. I had also made my job my identity in order to please my boss and I ended up getting sick. I made a vow to never work hard again. Can you do a video on nepotism and how it creates a toxic working environment?
Could you do a video on female workers bullying males? I have working in a female dominated field all my adult life and I have felt like a ball of yarn being batted around for the majority of that time. I would find it very interesting/informative/educational.
Its intetesting to hear codepedency talked about for a company. Id like to span these concepts out to entire industries and the communities around them. Im trying to redefine myself and find healthy boundaries from my industry community. You wanna talk about wierd social dynamics? Industries where who you know, being seen and pretending to be everyones best friend to get something out of it is how you get more business or that new job im a tight knit commumity. And they would argue against these points. When does work communities start to feel like cults and just toxic? Welcome to the inner world of commetcial Interior Design, between designers, sales reps, and partners....ughhh just another topic for therapy.
More people need this video Jennifer! Loved this. It took me a couple of years to get this down but it was worth putting in the work to balance everything out. I am a mom first!
Our work is not our identity. What I find helpful to not associate myself as my job is this mantra I use: "just like how the mountains, forests, and oceans is worthy just by existing, I don't need to prove my worthiness by doing all these things. I am worthy because I was born." This helps me to see life as an experience to be lived, not an expectation to be met.
I totally agree 💯. The boundaries or work and home life seemed to have weaken with the advance of technology. It's important that we advocate for ourselves in the work place❤️
I do. I worked at places where you were harassed for not being connected 24/7. Well, use our time together more efficiently and effectively so that we can have our healthy time to rest from the job
We have this work chat and problems at work are addressed in this chat. I don’t want to check this chat while at home . Ontario Canada passed this law “Right to disconnect” where your boss /coworkers can’t bother you after work. So I never get involved in work chat while at home. We ran into a issue at work and someone told me : “text Nancy, ask her …”But I said : No , Nicole is at home I am not txting her let her disconnect” So … everyone hates me 😅
Really ? You need laws for that ? Simply don't login on any work accounts and if you have a work phone, leave it at work, unless your contract specifically states that you have to take calls outside hours.
Can you do a video on How MEN can survive (mean/toxic) girls at work please? I work with this very attractive girl, that makes my life hell, (im sure a lot of us men have had similar experiences). She is attracted to another men in work place, (and because she likes him, its okay for him to talk very sexualized, and she will giggle and flirt). Sometimes i feel left out of the convo, so I made an effort, to try and get involved in conversation (dont want to be a weirdo that doesnt talk).. BUT I had a convo about, what do you think about Love island, (something shes talked to other people before) And behind my back, she went and told EVERYONE, including the man that she fancies, how I am a creep, and tried talking to her about love island. (bare in mind, she is happy being involved in conversations A LOT WORSE with other men) What do I do? I feel like now, i can't talk to her as she has gone too far... but then if i don't talk to her at all, i will look like a weirdo, that has no social skills!!! Someone please help!! I just want an easy life!!
Sorry about that. Just keep it professional with her; keep the conversations work related, and if non work topics tend to show up, keep it classy, or let her know you are not interested in the topics.
I've found that people who don't like being defined by their job only do so because they don't like their current job situation. Talk to anyone who loves what they do, and they will probably tell you their job without you even asking.
I am obsessed with what I do. I mean, I make RU-vid videos, just wrote my first book, and get to do all sorts of things that make me want to punch myself. I also think my work is the last interesting thing about me. IRL, I have friends who don't know what I do for a living 🤷♀️
I have to disagree @whateva. I don’t define myself by what I do, and that’s not because I don’t like my current job situation. I actually feel quite blessed with the job I have right now. But it doesn’t define me. I define myself in other ways.
omg yessss!!! yes yes yes. I work in a specific field, in an opera theater. It's horrible what people do and would do just to keep the "identity of a musician/artist..
I am currently employed at a company that is super draining. It’s a cool company but I’m so unhappy. I’m stressing everyday. I’m upset every evening. My boss obviously does not like me or the work I do. How do you cope with working in a high stress work place where you’re fearful of loosing your job on a day to day basis? I’m worried if I’m let go it will ruin my resume and jobs in the future. I’m so nervous! Help!
Hi Toya I m in the exact situation like you are, and I feel with you. I am also afraid, that if I don't play along, I would get a bad reputation and have a hard time finding a new job. So I pretend that all is ok, somehow I try to please, which I really detest, but it does help. I won't let anyone know, that I am not happy. Neither co-workers nor HR nor my boss are my friends, they deserve respect and that I fullfill my job, but no honesty. I am doing fine now, because it's just a job, it' s not life. It's not my identity. I wish you all the best.
If you did research for this video, can you share helpful resources? I became aware that this was my issue a couple of years ago (it was masquerading as workaholism and perfectionism, but those were just me coping), but I'm struggling to find resources on HOW TO CHANGE IT.
Hello. Im wondering if you have any advice on how to explain in a job interview of how I got fired from a toxic job without cause? I think your not supposed to say anything bad about them in the interview.
Question please: for emails, my new boss who got promoted ahead of me never says please or thankyou in those emails. I always do. Am i weak because i say please and thank you in emails? Is not saying please and thankyou when asking a member of your team to do something a sign of management strength? I am reminded of the Wolf in Pulp Fiction who was macho and did not say please until the weaker guy asked him to, and only then as if out of pity.
Thank for this!! I’m actually having a great time finding and getting jobs due to my recent master’s degree. My job is part of my identity and I feel great about it, but thanks to your video, I know that I need to stop while I’m in the beginning stages.
Congrats on getting your Masters!! It's fair for work to play a role in your sense of self, especially when it's purpose aligned. Just remember you're so much more than what you do, who you are is awesome too!
There is no boss that could stand me. I’m the type of person that independence is vital. No sense when you sell your time and energy for so long to a company.
@@JenniferBrick Thanks for your reply, just in general, should someone do it, when is a good time to do it eg. early in your career or later? What would a potential employer think about a person who just had a career break?
