If you are struggling with this decision I can help you get the clarity and peace you are looking for. Book a free strategy session with me and I'll show you how to make your choice and make your peace with that choice. calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy
I’ve met the almost amazing girl and I’ve been so happy in are relationship but recently I had a knee cap dislocation injury playing basketball and I’ve been stuck on crutches and literally haven’t been able to go anywhere the past three weeks, my girlfriend deals with anxiety and depression and lately a lot as been going on for both of us and she fell into a depressive state, as far as the injury it sucks cuz all I’ve wanted was for her to be here with me giving me the same love and affection she always has and maybe spending a couple nights when ever she can but I’ve never pressured her to hard abt it bc I understand she has her own responsibilities in life but still atleast one day in a week, I would soon realize she was making the decision to not see me bc of her depression and i definitely noticed the change I feel like she’s become so cold, and she tells me she’s wants me to be the same and continue to give her the same love and affection I always do but it’s hard not getting that in return, like it hurts. She was so different and happy b4 and I understand depression is a illness that can’t be controlled but it’s still hard. And sometimes I feel like I’m the only part of her life she pushes away cuz of her depression which I’m sure isn’t tru but from my perspective it feels that way. I don’t see her that often no more,the way she texts is different, the way she says I love you is different, she doesn’t want to have sex, sometimes I feel like I’m bothering her. However we both agreed a break is our last option, I love her to much to give up and I wanna atleast try to work thru this but it’s so hard each and every day, having to be cautious abt what I say or text her bc I don’t wanna be to smothering but the same time I just want to love her the way I always have. I’m determined to try and work thru this I’ve been going thru a lot with injury depression myself but I’ve understood that’s something I have to work on myself and i have with therapy and other ways but the last thing I want is to lose the happiest relationship Ive ever had no matter what I’m gonna do everything I can to make it work for as long as I can. If you read this plz let me know what u think I find comfort in second opinions and it helps me stay positive moving forward thru this. It would also be nice getting the opinion of a professional Thank you.🙏🏾
@もりこ You're right, my calendar has become quite full. At this time I don't have a coaching program where I can fully support folks with depressed partners. I have put together a great resource list which you can access here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom That page also describes a coaching program I have had to put on hold for now. I hope to re-open it in the future, and if you'd like to be added to my mailing list for when that happens please email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
This is my life right now. I am crying just watching this. I am so lost on what to do for my husband. Im starting to go down with him. My guilt eats me alive.
Hi Megan, and thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you are going through this, and I know how frustrating, sad and helpless it feels to not be able to help your husband when he's depressed. You do not have to go down with him. You are not alone in this. And it is not your fault. He is on his own journey, and not only is not your job to fix it for him, it is impossible for you to fix it for him. I really believe that when someone you love is so sick, grief and sorrow are emotions you have to learn to sit with and slowly move through. Guilt though, the guilt you have to learn to let go of.
My depressed partner is no longer a partner to me. I am his mother. He does nothing but sleep all day, and stays up all night drinking. I have a regular life with a job and I have ambitions and I want to do things with the person I love. He hasn't worked in a year, he won't get medical help. I just don't even want to be around him when he's awake because all he does it talk about his ailments and rant in anger.
I'm choosing to stay but am resisting talking about all the ways I'm not doing or saying the things he says he needs. Saying "I am enough. I am enough. I have always been enough. Now that I know I'm enough, everyone else does too. I will always be enough" Is something I've been practicing.
I just left my boyfriend a week ago, i feel calm but I also feel guilty because maybe he is going to a very very tough times, I also feel kind of guilty because I feel better being alone :(
Hi Drawni, it makes sense that you are feeling guilty because this may be tough for him and because you feel better on your own. Guilt is a sign that your emotional boundaries are not yet clear, and that's okay. You are taking on responsibility for his emotions and for his experience, neither of which are within your control. Underlying that responsibility may be a vague sense that you are a bad person for feeling better without him. The guilt can help you figure out where you need to focus your own thought work and your own healing. How can you explore the idea that you either are or are not responsible for his feelings? What evidence is there to support either view? If you have the underlying worry that you're not a good person or not worthy because you feel better, allow that guilt to point you towards the negative beliefs you hold about yourself. How are they serving you? Are they true? Are they helpful? Guilt can be a very uncomfortable emotion, however if you can learn to sit with it and learn from it, guilt will show you exactly how your subconscious thoughts and beliefs are causing your pain.
It makes sense, you abandoned someone in a time of weakness. You fear someone betraying you the same way. Good luck with the guilt and the truth of your actual character.
I'm struggling big time. My stomach hurts as I have gastritis from the stress of this heavy relationship. I feel for him but I am very ready to leave. My kids and family need me.
My gf is very mentally abusive and manipulative. And she doesn't even notice it. She's always so hot and cold and that inconsistent behavior is hurting me a lot. And when I point it out she shifts the blame. I know I should absolutely leave the relationship, but I don't want her doing something to herself. She would hurt herself and blame it on me. She's done it verbally before. I simply can't take it anymore
Hi Mark, that can definitely happen. This video might be helpful: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-N3AcuDHOYC8.html It's also really important, in my experience, to make sure that you have support as well. For me working with a coach absolutely revolutionized how I felt within my marriage and transformed the way I respond to my husband's depression. Coaching might be an option for you, or therapy, or maybe something else entirely. But please prioritize your mental and emotional needs. You're no good to your partner or yourself if you don't.
i need to break up with my partner, their mental health has taken a toll on my own because i’ve been trying to make sure they never did anything bad to themself. anytime they ranted i always provided help and paragraphs, but whenever i ranted, they just said “im sorry i’ve never been through anything like that, but i love you” i understand that sometimes its hard to comfort people, but they always said stuff like that. im really scared to break up with them because they are very depressed and i feel guilty, and im worried they’ll get worse and do bad things to themself, any advice?
Going through the exact same thing especially with the venting problems bit... and am going to tell them soon that I don't want to be referenced as a partner to them anymore. Make sure to acknowledge their pain though. And tell them exactly how you feel so that they can at least understand...
There are a couple of things you can do to make your break up safer for them. First, reach out to the people who care for them and let them know what's happening. Invite a close friend or family member to be there with them on the day you tell them you're leaving. You are right that they may be a risk to themselves in the emotions of that moment, so ensuring that they have someone there who can offer support and comfort. Second, do not justify your decision. I see you wanting to justify your choice to me in your comment. So many people fall into this trap - they feel guilty for wanting to leave, so they justify that choice with all the reasons the other person wasn't a good partner. You don't need a reason. They don't have to be a bad person or a bad partner. You want something different. That's enough. You've got to shift your mindset away from blame - it isn't your fault, it isn't their fault. It's okay to leave. This one is important because if you continue to justify your choice to yourself and others, then you are likely to be defensive when you break up with them. You may find yourself blaming them or explaining to them why they weren't enough for you. If they are in an episode of depression, that could be a very painful thing to hear. If you can come from a place of, "we are two people who care about each other, and this simply isn't working for me anymore. I want something different." and STICK to that, you will do less damage to BOTH of you. You are two humans, with human brains and human hearts and human histories. You learned ways of relating, connecting, defending yourselves, seeking love... a whole lifetime of habits, experiences, beliefs... It's not unusual for two humans to struggle to connect when they are each living through the lens of all of that history and experience. No one is bad. You are two people with complicated human brains and emotions who couldn't find each other. Finally, be calm. Be clear. And be committed. Tell them, simply. Don't fight. Don't blame. And don't back down. If you are leaving, tell them that, be gentle and firm. Tell them that you've called a friend or family member who is on their way over to sit with them. Tell them you care for them very much, and that your decision is final. Then leave. Do not go back and forth with this. Be certain, and stick to it. Then you have the work to do for yourself - processing grief and guilt, exploring the triggers and challenges you experienced in this relationship and preparing yourself for the future.
I agree, acknowledging their pain is important. However, I don't agree that you need to tell them exactly how you feel so they understand. We tend to do that because we are still hoping that the other person will change, or at least see the error of their ways and be different in the future. However, the other person isn't causing your feelings. They aren't responsible for how you think or feel. Yes, their words or actions can be triggering. But your response is based on a lifetime of experiences and emotional habits that you have accumulated. Someone else may respond very differently to the same triggers. You certainly can share your feelings. I would simply suggest that you first examine your motivation for doing so. Is it to "prove" to them that you are justified in leaving them? Are you hoping they'll apologize or change their ways? How do you hope they will respond, and how do you think you'll get to feel if they respond in the way you want?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach It's true that I tend not to want to appear nonsensical, but everytime people don't explain me their reasoning I just tell myself "they must have their reasons." I find it frustrating so I compensate by overexplaining everything... Sometimes I should understand that I don't have to justify myself. In the end it all comes down to working on myself. Thanks a bunch for your advice. Your video helped a lot and it's cool that you're answering comments for full clarity (^:
As someone who has been trying to sustain his relationship with his depressed girlfriend for years, I needed to hear this. It hurts like hell to hear it, but I needed to hear it all the same.
I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of days ago because she was neglecting me and abandoning me for over a month due to her depression. I couldn’t take it anymore. Right after I broke ties with her, she begged for me to stay but I said no. On my way home I had complete regret, I’ve been trying to get her back but she said she thinks a break is best to see what is right for either of us. She’s very cold towards me ever since this injury. She wouldn’t see me for 2-3 weeks almost because I couldn’t drive to her since I got a sports injury. I broke up with her to try to snap her out of the cold state. All I wanted was love affection and to be cared for. She says she understands but doesn’t know what to do. She feels like she’s in a coma with this depression. I don’t want to lose her I want to fix things with her but she keeps stuff from me now, lies to me, answers me late, sleeps a lot. I want to fix things with her but idk if she can fix herself. Help :(
I can hear how painful this is... and your self awareness is really wonderful - a lot of people take the same actions without realizing that what they're really wanting is the to feel cared for and seen by their partner. You don't want to lose her... but it feels like she's already lost and you try anything to reach her and reconnect. And then there is so much you can't control about her own mental health journey. There are some things you can do to help yourself, and, potentially, to reach her. It has to start within you - getting your own emotions well regulated, becoming deeply aware of your relationship with yourself and healing any wounds there, and then applying some specific communication and relationship skills to your interactions with her. There is never a guarantee that you will reach her, but you can give yourself the best chance at doing so. In the process you'll also be making yourself more resilient and aware, which will make it easier if you do end up splitting for good in the long run. And you might find that she is able to receive your offers of connection when it comes from a truly grounded place with clear emotional boundaries. If you'd like to talk about the specifics of that process and how I can help you get there, I'd be happy to chat. You can schedule a consultation with me here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy This page also has some free resources you might find helpful, and more information about the work I do: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
BRO IM LITERALLY GOING THRU THE SAME THING, I’ve met this almost amazing girl and I’ve been so happy in are relationship but recently I had a knee cap dislocation injury playing basketball and I’ve been stuck on crutches and literally haven’t been able to go anywhere the past three weeks, my girlfriend deals with anxiety and depression and lately a lot as been going on for both of us and she fell into a depressive state, as far as the injury it sucks bro cuz all I’ve wanted was for her to be here with me giving me the same love and affection she always has and maybe spending a couple nights when ever she can, but i definitely noticed the change I feel like she’s become so cold, and she tells me she’s wants me to be the same and continue to give her the same love and affection I always do but it’s hard not getting that in return, like it hurts. She was so different and happy b4 and I understand depression is a illness that can’t be controlled but it’s still hard. And sometimes I feel like I’m the only part of her life she pushes away cuz of her depression which I’m sure isn’t tru but from my perspective it feels that way. I don’t see her that often no more,the way she texts is different, the way she says I love you is different, she doesn’t want to have sex, sometimes I feel like I’m bothering her. However we both agreed a break is our last option, I love her to much to give up and I wanna atleast try to work thru this but it’s so hard each and every day, having to be cautious abt what I say or text her bc I don’t wanna be to smothering but the same time I just want to love the way I always have. I’m determined to try and work thru this I’ve been going thru a lot with injury depression myself and the last thing I want is to lose the happiest relationship I ever had no matter I’m gonna do everything I can to make it work for as long as I can.
Nah, Just leave. Being in a relationship with someone with depression WILL eat you alive. If you think you can not take it, better off leave right away. She will drag you down.
@@nolimitlex6621was in the EXACT same boat as you with my last girlfriend. I was patient for a year and a half and saw her may be a handful of times, and she has become a completely different person and no one that I even barely recognize from how awesome and fun she used to be. The depression has taken over her life and I know the pain you have been dealing with. What has happened since you last wrote this?
I just got into a long distance relationship with a man who told me he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I have not really been exposed to this as I com from a place where nobody really talks about mental health issues. I am doing a lot of research now. I really like him and I think he is a good man but I do not know if I have what it takes to date and marry a man with depression. I am really scared of making the wrong decision.
Honestly, I wouldn't get in a relationship with someone who has active depression. It's different if you've been a relationship with someone and then the depression comes. Because at least you can remember who they are outside of the depression. I'd be afraid a depressed person would leave as soon as they were feeling better and discover they don't actually like you....
How did it go? I’m currently getting pushed away from my LDR partner who’s depressed. She really irks me now, and I’m already thinking about life without her.
What about if you also depressed in your life and you need support from your partner and he also start facing difficulties in his life and pulls you away ?
Hello Rachael! I have been considering leaving my partner with depression. Before finding your video, I have just ended a chapter with a therapist over twelve sessions who helped me learn how to talk about my emotions and subsequently express myself, my needs, and my wants. Then I spent some weeks considering what I want out of life and getting lots of perspective from a wide variety of people I know and sources online, as well as traveling solo. Now, I am actively exploring the work I need to do on myself, which includes learning how to assertively and respectfully implement boundaries in my relationship. After all of this, I am still considering leaving. I will be revisiting this video you have shared to remind myself that leaving someone I love does not make me a bad person, and that making a decision one way or the other is important for both of us--and either way, I will still need to work on me. The nature of my specific situation makes it difficult to physically separate, because we have been living together for years, but I have recently worked with my partner to rearrange our apartment so we have our own rooms for sleeping and working from home. I think this will invite new energies into our relationship, as well as new challenges. But at least it can allow us to be more dynamic with our energy without always being on top of each other most hours of the day. Thank you for your advice!
Hi Ian, thank you for sharing some of your story! I love the way you are tackling your own inner work first, and getting really clear on who you are and what your needs are. It is very possible that in the course of your inner work you'll decide you don't want to be in this relationship. As you know, that will bring up more opportunities for inner work, as will choosing to stay. Even with all the self exploration you've already done, this is not an easy place to be or an easy choice to make. I appreciate you sharing some of what you're going through and how you're approaching it. I think more than anything we need to support each other and talk openly about these experiences, so that people who are in similar places don't feel so isolated. 🙏🙏🙏
Rachael is right. Definitely not a video just for Women. My ex was very pretty but the way she was raised was extremely unfortunate. There was nothing i could do to help her. So sad.
I finally cut off my mentally ill abusive ex after 6 years. I broke up with her after the first year we dated, but I stay in her life as a friend to help her until I couldnt take it anymore.
Mental illness is never an excuse for abuse. I'm very sorry to hear that you went through that, and I am proud of you for taking care of yourself as well. I hope you are able to move forward with your life and into new relationships. I think that depression and mental illness can really blur the lines of what is and isn't abuse for a lot of people. It can confuse us as to how we should respond. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I’m considering leaving my gf and have positive feelings about my future doing so, however I love her and worry how she will handle things in her future without me. I feel guilty thinking about this and don’t know how to go about doing so without making her depression worse.
My partner has had this spout of depression for around 6-7 months we have two children and he has moved out he disappears for days and no1 no’s where he is he ignores me constantly he hasn’t seen his kids since Boxing Day he says he is coming but doesn’t turn up I no he is sick and going through hell but reli feel like we have been abandoned I’m so angry and hurt I’ve thought about leaving but I don’t no what to do I feel so selfish for feeling this way he has been smoking drugs too we r on the uk so in lock down to I have no support no friends so I’m all alone doing everything alone and struggling ... I’m trying so hard to be positive and research depression so much to see how to help and feel like I’m basically being told my feelings don’t matter and I can’t tell him I need to be supportive but how do I do that wen I’m so mad
The first thing to do is for yourself- allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Maybe right now you are mad. That's okay. Be mad, allow yourself to feel anger and observe it without judging it OR fueling it (that means not piling on more angry thoughts!). If you are denying how you feel and trying to act as though you aren't mad, you are going to feel awful and it is going to be a struggle. You can't change an emotion by fighting or denying it. You may want to try this tool for processing anxiety in your body - I teach it for anxiety but it works very well on anger too. www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/anxiety-2 I'd like to offer you a free Strategy Session to talk about your specific situation and the ways you can calm your emotions, get clarity about what's going on and what you want to do and create an inner space that will allow you to support your partner without overwhelming yourself. You can book a call with me here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy
Everyone deserves to be happy but if you’re with someone that’s struggling and still putting you and your kids first and themselves last they may not even realize they’re depressed. I watched my mom die slowly from cancer. Trying to be there for her. I was going to work barely able to do that then come home and do what I needed to do around the house to help out then be there for the kids and my then girlfriend. It’s hard to fix something you can’t see when you have no time or energy left for yourself. Just remember this perspective when you’re waffling whether your own happiness means more than ditching someone you claim to care about to get it. Let’s be honest about that.
Hi Patrick. Thank you for sharing that perspective. You're absolutely right. I think we often label people as "depressed" (or so many other labels!) and then we forget that they are just a human who is experiencing emotions that are unbearable, intolerable, frightening and overwhelming. Losing your mother, watching her suffer and still needing to be there for your family... that is a time when you need support and tools for surviving the powerful and exhausting emotions you're experiencing. It sounds like perhaps you've had the experience of being left in this situation? Thank you for sharing and bringing this perspective to the conversation. Have you found the support you need to process and heal the losses you've experienced?
I think most people are reasonable and would stay if their partner is actively addressing the reality of the situation and doing the best they can to work on recovery.
I left my best friend a few days ago as selfish as this sounds her depression was pulling me down and we have changed a lot Over time it wasn’t easy and I’m not sure if I did the right thing but I hope it is
I am in the same boat man I just left her today and I feel so bad. Her depression is something that I felt was my responsibility to try to help fix for so long it came to a post where my heart was almost sad when she wanted to get together because it was pulling me down I have never felt so guilty for anything in my life I have felt physically and mentally sick all day
Sorry for the rant I can’t go around venting this to many people because I feel I can’t talk to random people about it because only close family and me knows about it. It’s so tough man and hope they are doing ok
@@bigboi182 I felt the same way I felt responsible for fixing her problems but that wasn’t my responsibility and it isn’t yours either it’s not wrong to want to leave someone because they’re affecting you in a bad way in my opinion if you stayed you would feel stuck and probably get worse I think you did the right thing and I know you feel guilty for what you did but just know that even if you couldn’t deal with the baggage doesn’t mean ur a bad person ,you just couldn’t handle it and that’s OK I’m sorry you feel that way but I hope things get better because it does just with time :)
How’s it going bro? I swear I’m tempted to go on a night out & pump a few broads to re align my self ; but can’t do that until it’s officially clear that we’re over
I had a talk with my girlfriend and she said if I get any closer to her I would end up in her "black hole" where I'm just another faded memory and I told her we should take a break so it can give her time after that she started hating that idea of us taking a break in our relationship. But how can I help her out if it'll drawn me more to her pushing me away more to where she'll end breaking up me? So I decided to just take a break from a our relationship and only check up on her on the weekends until her depression wares off......my question is has this decision I made would strengthen our relationship just by giving her time and space to work on both ourself?
Hi Irene, I'm so glad you like the videos! And I'm sorry to hear that your husband is dealing with depression. It's wonderful that you are looking for ways to support yourself and him. Here are links to the two workshops. I am no longer offering them for free because I found that people weren't fully committing to doing the work when they were free. There is a small charge ($17 for one and $37 for the second). Since I've been charging for them I'm finding that people are doing the full workshop and getting better results! Turns out that investing in yourself does make a difference :) However it is important to me that these resources stay accessible. If the fee is not manageable for you, please send me an email explaining your situation and why you want to take the workshop, and I'll waive it for you. You can email me here: rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com Here are the links: How to Stop Negative Self Talk in 5 Days ($17): www.coachaccountable.com/offering/PDuU6XsZZR54WS1JDRKrKo2jjjJ0AwZ How to Safely Set Boundaries with a Depressed Partner ($37): www.coachaccountable.com/offering/PaAUImyxDV6lMlJFdIrVoa95UlpVegZ
Hi Marama, thank you for watching. Yes, let's define abuse, that's a great question. In this case I am talking about your physical safety. If you do not feel physically safe with another person, I strongly encourage you to remove yourself from that situation. Regardless of who the other person is, whose house you're living in, what your friends or family think. A lot of people get confused, because their partner has been abusive in the past, but they feel bad and maybe they've changed, etc. I encourage you to be black and white on this issue. Either you are not in physical danger, or you are. If you are, please leave. I think of it as though your home were on fire, or was filled with toxic mold. In those cases, would you leave? Yes. The same is true when it comes to your physical safety around another human being. Emotional and psychological abuse is another issue, and definitely one that comes up in relationships where one or both partners are struggling with mental health issues. While many, many people will disagree with me on this, emotional and psychological abuse are things that we do to ourselves. Yes, another person can suggest the thoughts and beliefs to us, but the reality is that other people cannot cause your thoughts or your feelings. If you are suffering from emotional or psychological abuse, it is because you believe what your abuser is telling you, and you are tormenting yourself with those thoughts. It is so important to distinguish this idea from victim blaming. It is not the victim's fault that they are being abused in this way. That abuse is possible because the victim does not know or understand how to manage their mind or their emotions. They still believe other people create their feelings, and that belief causes them to give up their own emotional power. They end up tormenting themselves with the thoughts and beliefs offered by the abuser, because they've never learned how to think or feel the way they want to, intentionally. When this occurs in a relationship, the solution is for the victim of the abuse to regain their emotional power, by learning to manage their mind. This means learning to think and feel on purpose, and refusing to be cruel to yourself. For many people, this work is much easier to do when you are not around the person who has been encouraging you to think the painful thoughts, the abuser, in this case. You may choose to leave a partner who does this, but I would suggest that it is essential to do the own work on your own brain. If you don't, it doesn't matter if you cut that person out of your life or not, you will still suffer the effects of that abuse, because you will continue to abuse yourself with those beliefs and thought patterns. Ultimately, I don't believe there is ever a right or wrong choice. We all have work to do on our brains if we want to be happy, safe and successful. Personally, I choose to set a boundary when it comes to my physical safety. If I believe that is at risk, I remove myself from the situation. But I do it without drama. I don't make it mean anything about me, or even about the other person. It is black and white. If my house is on fire, I leave. If my husband or anyone else were to hit me, I would leave. Yes, I feel sad about the house burning down, and sad about leaving the husband. But I don't believe it's my fault, or that he is evil anymore than I would blame myself for the electrical fire or the house for being flammable. That would only create more emotional pain for me, and I have made a commitment to love and be kind to myself, no matter what. That is a very long winded answer! But I hope it is helpful.
Hi Ron, You can check out my website here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/ You are also welcome to email me directly with questions or for pricing information - rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com Thanks for watching!
wish there was alternative male point of view. The scenario breaking up with a woman is entirely different than a woman from a man. Sorry. They really arent the same.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I can because I'm going through it now and I've been through it before. Men have a far, far more powerful instinct to protect their partner than women do. Men are also socially trained a lot more to 'provide' for women - perhaps that's also even in our nature to want to do that. Those instincts are hijacked when your dealing with a woman with depression. To leave them not only means to leave a relationship, it means you're going directly against your hardwiring to protect her. It's very, very difficult to do. It's also generally harder for men to acquire a desirable new partner than women - so there is more of an investment in what you currently have. The amount of guilt men feel when wanting to leave even a normal partner is huge. Society tells women 'do what's right for you' while it still tells men 'do the right thing'. There's a double whammy of social and innate processes going on.
i want to see you leave your children cause they depressed and tell your sell its love, sorry you lost me,God said he ill never leavce you nor forsake you ,and how he left the 99 and went back for th one, thats real love,american people dont know what real love it,we say we love uncnditioonally be but its reall about self happness and preservation,and im sorry to say this but most women think this way iin america ,cause when they was coming upin life dadies gave there little girl every thing they want and they did not have to work for anything,now they grown and dont know how to work for ther marrage,and if you feel guilty for leaving a depressed person,you should whould you want that to happen to you, or would you want your partner to find the help to deal with you, now do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and if your saying you would want a person to leave you, then you are the one with depression, cause your still think of splitting up , for self even if your saying it for the freeedom of them not dealing with you, Only depressed people cant think objectively out of this, Get help pray to god as i did,if you dont know how tro talk to god learn, keep the faith, train your self, just like when you leave you will train your self for a neew job train your self for the new job of your partners depression
I'm so glad that your faith and your relationship with God has been such a powerful resource for you along this journey. Thank you for sharing that experience with me and with the other viewers here.
Great comment! Something i was looking for! I have severe depression and im so scared my partner will leave me that it adds more to my mental agony! Here they give an advise to just leave and save yourself ! Right! Leave your partner with cancer or paralyzed,love yourself! God bless you
Praying won't help even in the slightest. If your depressed partner/ friend is pulling you down into their abyss with them, It's absolutely your right to leave. You're sending the message that a person should let themselves be stepped on emotionally. This all causes people pleasing and codependence and I've been through it and can tell you that this destroyed my life. I stopped eating because of all the mental pressure. This is not something to promote.
@@paintbox3011 you need to know to be there for them and not be mentally dependent on them once you see signs. It like cars you can't drive along life like these people are automatically competent cars.but more like stick shift cars , you the partner have to know mentally and emotionally when and how to shift the gears for both of you and when to seek emotional help at times to but don't do it alone till you learn it
@@onlyonefaith6356 Have you only had the experience of being the depressed one? Because the issue with someone who hasn't been around someone who's depressed is they don't know how soul-sucking it is to be the healthy partner in that situation. If a depressed partner is actively participating in therapy, setting goals, making lasting improvements over time, most reasonable people will choose to stay. Most people only consider seriously leaving when it becomes evident the non-depressed partner is the only active participant in the relationship.
I wouldn't call it exactly that... more of a campaign for intention and honesty. Loyalty for its own sake, unsupported by intentional choice, usually results in resentment in places where there should be love.
This makes me angry. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and there are things in it that are true and can be helpfully be said. But there are two glaring omissions. (1) He/she is not "a depressed person". He/she is a person who is suffering from depression. It's a disease. You certainly have the "right" to leave someone with depression, just as you have the "right" to leave someone with cancer or diabetes or lupus. The fact that feelings of guilt or anxiety might be present are indications that there's a real dilemna between (1) your desire for your own happiness and well-being and (2) your desire to honor the feelings of empathy and connection that you've made with this person. These are legitimate and very human feelings and they actually help us with (2) Commitment. I acknowledge that Ms. Sloan doesn't denigrate or pooh pooh commitment. She just doesn't mention it at all. It sounds like the only decision the non-depressed person has to make is...is this a good relationship for me or should I get a better one? Well, that's a legimate question, but relationships are also about working with the other person, building trust, setting examples, acknowledging expectations, etc. And once you're in a relationship, it's as much about how you've represented your commitment to the other person. Are you married? How long? Have you told the other that you would be there through hard times? Have you said or done anything that would lead the other person to trust that they could rely on you? I completely agree that people should care about their own health, happiness and prosperity. But it MATTERS how we treat other people. And, by the way, there are often intermediate steps that can be taken (for instance, sharing with your depressed partner in a non-blaming way that (1) your own health is being put at risk, (2) that you're thinking about leaving and (3) that you are willing to help your partner as/if they seek professional help but firmly insisting that something has to change.) Each situation is different. Leaving can sometimes be the right choice. But it would be a much better society if our culture supported the healing of sickness rather than running away from it.
Hi Steve, thank you so much for commenting. I appreciate you pointing out that I was not careful in my language. You are absolutely right - labeling someone who suffers from depression as a "depressed person" is not helpful to them or to their partner. Thank you for calling me out on that. Yes, anxiety and guilt are perfectly legitimate feelings. And when they are unexamined and unexplored they can be paralyzing and terrifying. For many people not knowing how to deal with those emotions is exactly what prevents them from having the kind of open, honest and vulnerable conversations with their partner that you describe. In my work I help people understand, normalize and work with those emotions so that those kinds of conversations become possible. And I love that you raise the question: "is this relationship good for me or should I get a better one?". My entire intention when making this video was to help people see that that question is useless :). This relationship isn't causing your pain. A "better" relationship won't fix your pain. My goal in this video is to help people understand that it isn't their partner's depression that is causing their pain. Whether they leave or stay they will be taking the cause of their suffering with them - it is their own minds, their own thoughts and their own feelings, which they take with them wherever they go. That is why I say it doesn't matter if they stay or leave the relationship. Because it won't change or "fix" the way they feel. That's work we all have to do for ourselves. We can support each other on that journey, we can guide each other, but we cannot do it for anyone else, and if we expect others to do it for us we'll stay in pain. I do not discuss the impact of leaving on the partner who struggles with depression in this video. Perhaps I should. However I find that many of the people I speak to are always thinking about their partner. And all the resources they have to support them are about helping their partner. And when they do timidly admit that they have their own fears and needs, or, heaven forbid, that they aren't happy, they tend to be attacked for being selfish. They're told that what they're going through isn't important in comparison to their partner's struggle. That's why I am focusing them, for this short video. Because it's okay for them to have needs, and fears and hopes and anxieties too. And since you asked, yes, I am married. For 10 years. To a man who struggles with depression. I will never leave him. I am absolutely committed to our relationship and nothing he does or says will ever change that. That is my choice. However, my decision is mine. It has nothing to do with yours. And neither of our choices have anything to do with anyone else's. And those decisions don't change the way either of us FEELS, which is usually what people are looking for when they think about a divorce or break up. Thank you for your comments, and I will certainly take your reminder about labels to heart. I have been careless there, and that is a mistake. I'm sorry that you feel angry about this video, and I appreciate you taking the time to share.
@@patricks3583 many of us have tried to ask what's going on but get shut out or shut down. My bf kept saying "it's my problem." Well it becomes my problem too when you won't reply to my texts for days and I can't be with you for weeks and weeks. Partners have a right to demand that the person with depression at least take steps to get help. There is only so long someone can keep up all the work when the other person does nothing
That's easy to say but as the non-depressed person, I guarantee most non-depressed people would have run a million miles from their partner if they had known how many problems they would face in dealing with a depressed partner. The point of a relationship is to be of benefit to BOTH people, not for one to carry the other which is what always happens. Depressed people, in my view should disclose their depression before they even go on a date with someone. Frankly I think depressed people should date each other - they'll understand each other better and they'll also get to see what it actually is like to be with someone like that. I've been depression 'catfished' a couple of times now and all they end up doing is taking advantage of your better nature and bringing a load of problems into your life that you didn't have before - and then making your feel guilt that you can't deal with their problems. I have compassion but it's not my job to be with someone for their benefit.
Well, being the one who have to deal with a depressed partner sometimes feels to me as even harder then being the depressed one. The depressed partner at least gets your support but you having to deal with them and support them on a daily basis literally suck up all your energy until you become the depressed one with no partner to support you. What I started to understand is that at the end of day everyone is selfish and want their happiness achieved and needs met, despite the different colours some try to paint it with. I’m in this situation with the love of my life and am struggling so much to make a decision, as it’s so difficult and sucks, but I truly believe that at the eod you need to take care of your own needs and happiness above anything else, and there’s no point or time to spend life suffering.
Yes, absolutely. I would love to talk to you. You can book a "Discovery Call" with me here: www.calendly.com/rachaelsloan/discovery On the call I'll ask you some questions about your situation and goals, you can get to know me too and we can decide if working together is a good fit. The main way I work with clients is through my 12 week, one on one coaching program, though this is by no means the only option. You can learn more about that program here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/work-with-me
My wife has cancer. Is it ok if I leave her? I mean, I love her, and she's a great person, and I know the cancer isn't her fault, but gee, she's such a drag sometimes.
Hi Richard, thanks for asking this question. First, the only one who can give you permission to stay or leave is yourself. It can be beautiful to be with someone through an illness and even though death. And you could choose to leave and have a different experience. However, I do believe you are asking the wrong question. You are hoping to take an action to change the way you feel, and this approach simply doesn't work. Whether you leave or stay you are still going to be unhappy until you do some work on managing your own brain. The question I would ask is, if your wife wasn't "such a drag sometimes" how do you believe you would get to think and feel?
Wrong, if you're getting abused and you love the shit out of that person you'll do what you can to save the relationship. Not instantly leave. Don't do that my peeps
Thank you for watching and for commenting. Can you help me understand your perspective a little more? Are you suggesting that someone who is being abused in a relationship should continue to allow themselves to be abused because they love their partner? I'd love to clarify what you're recommending, because I'm not sure I fully understand what you're suggesting or why. Thanks for watching the channel and for engaging here! I would love to continue this conversation. I think a lot of other people here could benefit from greater clarity as well.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach If there is a relationship involving physical altercations. I find it reasonable for a person to seek help for the relationship before coming to any rational position. Depression allows a person to make actions that are not from his true self. So leaving instantly I would say is not good. If you really love a person who is making actions through depression. I would say Fix it instead of running away.
@@begayty6342 Thank you so much for the clarity. I love that you point out how depression allows a person to make actions that are not from his true self. That is so accurate. In fact, it is my experience that any form of abuse doesn't come from a person's "true self". It comes from their wounded self or from their survival self. There's this idea out there that some people are just "bad" or "evil" and if they're abusing you, it is definitely time to leave. A lot of people get stuck trying to figure out if the abusive action is coming from the depression or from the person underneath. It's never from the core person. Abuse comes from pain, not from the authentic self. But that's where I have to diverge in my opinion - that doesn't mean one should allow oneself to continue to be abused. You can love someone immensely, support them in seeking help and healing, and still choose not to stay in a position where you allow them to abuse you. I also must question the concept of "fixing it". I don't believe you can't simply fix someone's depression for them. You can support them. You can love them. You can offer therapy and you can even hospitalize them against their will if they are suicidal. But you cannot fix it for them, they have to engage in that work themselves. If you've had a different experience, and you believe it is possible to "fix it" for someone else, please do share. This is such an important topic and I appreciate you engaging in a dialogue about it.
