Self love is the secret to the success of any relationship. When the person you love struggles with depression, it is even more critical that you have a healthy relationship with yourself. If you're feeling anxious, resentful or overwhelmed because of your partner's depression, those are signs that you need to come back to loving you. Until we love ourselves, we cannot love or support others in a meaningful way. I'm here to help. Book a free strategy session with me: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy
Dear Rachel, thank you for reply 🙏 After 33 years I just broke and left my wife.......was unaware, illiterate of many things, now Im coaching on that issue❤
@@caveman1334 I'm glad that you're using your experience to share with others and help them through hard times as well. That's powerful, for them and, I hope, for you as well! I know it has been for me. 💛
same but ig you need to listen when they need their space cuz again forcing them simply doesnt work they just feel more burdened im honestly learning more and more about depression to help put myself in his shoes which i can only imagine how it is like.. but ig give her space that she needs and be patient and let her know you are there for her, and lastly have faith in her,i.e., also reminding yourself this isn’t her but her depression and she doesn’t mean when she says hurtful things and remembering how she actually is! i know it hurts but thats wht im doing, not losing faith in him because I know he is worth the wait and he would’ve done the same! cuz i mean the least i can do is not get depressed myself and become stronger for us
I feel like if I don't get out now I will be where you were. And believe me part of me thinks we already broke up bc the communication has gone to shit, he makes no effort and it's making me looney tunes!!! I hate him, I love him..I want him to break up with me, I want to break up with him...I'm a mess. And I think his depression grosses me out..like get a life and man up, step up and also screw you for doing this to me!
@@shanagries6457 it’s been over seven months since I left this message. If you have someone that’s depressed and being hot and cold, you can be there for them but DO NOT believe that it will get any better. Best bet is to move on. You can’t help these people. I know I feel a lot better now just being away from her and her problems. I’m a caring person but I’m Not going down with someone like that again. They have to help themselves too.
I just left a 11yr relationship, we got engaged a year ago. because i couldnt take the depression anymore from my partner i left the relationship. i was in that state where i couldnt comprehend what she was going thru i had no room for empathy or understanding from being frustrated so much. I got snapped at for asking her to try therapy, and she told me it never works. A month after i took the ring back from her, shes back to normal no depression driving across state lines to meet new people and completely functioning without me. Ive never felt so disrespected and hurt. I gave 10 years of my life to her depression and just tried to fix it. Wish i saw this along time ago could have saved me the hassle of a 4k engagement ring payment.
I also realized I was here almost a year ago and I guess this is the update* were no longer together and I've felt so much happier moved on, but it still hurts to think of all the wasted time
My partner won't allow any communication to his depression and it has created this wall where I can't help to think if it's even worth it. Communication is key on both ends and sometimes I just don't want to deal with the silence treatment. Why does he have to take his emotions out on me from situations I have nothing to deal with. I'm just there to help and it feels helpless :( I'm really sad.
Jesus that cycle...Ive been on that one for 10 months and it made me depressed too 🥺. His depression came long with exposed lies as well so I was/am still very hurt and feel behrayed on top of all. So Ive been spinning on that cycle. Im exhausted😢. Thank you for this video
Thank you for sharing this video. It couldn't have come at a better time as I'm constantly messaging him, wanting to know why he's ignoring me. It hurts. Your advice has been invaluable. Thank you!
What a relief. I’ll do that. 7 days of What If will be like a holiday. It’s been a horrible cycle to be in. Thank you for my light bulb 💡moment. I’ll stop trying to fix it. And just love.
I’m starting to literally hate him. We’ve been together since we were 14, 20 years in and he’s been depressed for about 10 years with bouts of it being extremely severe. He was diagnosed as a child with AuDHD and I knew this a teen and loved this part of him…. But now as much as I love completely, I also hate him for all the days, moments and events he’s destroyed because of depression and for the suffer me and his son have experienced. I think his condition makes depression so much worse and it’s very hard to cope for him and for me. Sometimes I get so caught up in despair because I can’t leave him, that I wish for something terrible to happen to him so that I can free of him. I know this is bad, and I do love him completely and unconditionally, but my life suffers so much and I just want to have a normal life without so much sadness and loneliness 😢 I’m sick to death of living like a single mother trapped in relationship that I hate being in
Ty I have been listening to so much o. Understand depression, but there is nothing out there on what I am dealing with while she is depressed. I have been going thru exactly what u are say and was like what is wrong with me. I will definitely have to dive into more of your content on this but ty for letting see I'm not alone here
Hi, I'm sorry for the slow reply. You are NOT alone. Unfortunately there are alot of people dealing with these things, and not nearly enough resources out there for them.
Thanks for watching, Cave Man! It is really hard, and I myself have days where I struggle, but it does open up a whole new way of connecting with the person you love.
Absolutely moved by your videos. They came at such a serendipitous time. I've seen tons of relationship videos and read literally dozens of books in the span of a year, and nothing has been as much of a light bulb as stumbling on your video after I had tried my best to deliberately not think about relationship as a problem. They're very liberating and definitely shine a light on the tendency anxiety has to make it all about me, instead of being there and being relaxed. I wanted to commend you.
been sober , three years now & we are getting divorced … after rehab i realized how distant we were and she wanted me on medication/ i agreed and realized it was doing nothing and then she walks away . went to councilor to deal …but all she wanted to do is fix and change me , bpd tendency & and since i didn’t tell her this when i got home from rehab , that’s why she’s leaving , because she said i had lied for two years ….broken but not broke , what if nothing is wrong , i how will i show up for me
Volume issue - very low. The main problem I have is she won't engage or discuss. won't read any self help issues or address the void. Just dead emotionally, sits and plays mind numbing games on her phone - doesn't talk about anything meaningful, just functional household and kids management issues - no connection. She is emotionally divorced, hasn't kissed me in years - refuses to even consider sex. Once we adopted the kids - she essentially closed off and disconnected from our marriage. I lived this cycle yo described in the first half of the video for 15 years - I have simply given up. wave i=of intense emotion (she says she feels overwhelmed at times) - but she has no emotion, no communication and no emotional or physical intimacy. Just is happy living like a roommate and co-parent
Nice,,, I could talk about the last many years,,, I'm tear a blaaaa, I can't word right,,,, I've have been in hospital many times... I want too go back.... My bed-hayyy
My ex-fiance definitely projected the blame onto me due to her guilt of leaving. I was employee of the month and received a promotion in the middle of this so my struggle with depression was still very functional. She played the FIX IT role and demanded I go speak to someone immediately, but I wasn't comfortable with this idea (since then I have). For 4 months she had been seeing a therapist without my knowledge and never communicated she was doubting everything. She ended our 5 year relationship/engagement without giving me any chance to work on it with her. Worse, when I returned to get some remaining items of mine she told me her monkey branch didn't work out like she planned. Why would she just throw that there like it wouldn't hurt me? It wasn't on topic nor have I been in contact with her since the break.
Hi Jordan, I'm sorry that you're experiencing this pain. I have to admit, I had to look up what a "monkey branch" is. Honestly, we can't know for certain her motivation. I do know that people's actions do make sense, if we understand what is happening in their internal experience. She may have been intentionally trying to hurt you, because she perceives that you hurt her and she's in defense mode. She may be trying to justify her decision to leave and be villainizing you in her mind in order to do that. She may also be reacting to childhood triggers from experiences that occurred long before she met you. One thing I know for certain, her reaction isn't about you. Even if she blames you or says mean things about you. All of that is about her, her thoughts, her doubts, her fears. I know it is really hard not to take that stuff personally. Your task is the same as mine: to control what you can control, namely your thoughts and feelings, and to surrender to what you cannot control, in this case, her and her choices. After five years and an engagement you will undoubtedly have emotions to process. There is no way around grief, you have to move through it. However you can get sidelined if you let your brain spin out on the "why". That's how some people get stuck in confusion, anger and regret for years after the end of a relationship. Learning to accept what is, feel your way through the painful emotions and intentionally build your future are all powerful ways to find closure, heal and move forward into a full life.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I totally understand variables and optics are impossible to grasp over text. Therapy resulted in revealing I was transparent with my faults/behaviors/responsibility, had apologized for said behaviors and was willing to do the work to resolve verbalized anger (main issue). Ultimately, she handled our relationship like we were roommates despite asking for more from me the entire time. Then she exhibited toxic attributes like ultimatums, demands and the inability to be flexible for anything related to me. I’m glad I’m not married to that person, but it has been brutal to start over with dating with this experience behind me.
@@CoconutBanger It sounds like the whole experience was really painful. I can imagine that it might feel hard to trust new potential partners? Or perhaps it feels stressful to put in the effort, be vulnerable and try to connect when you have experienced first hand how much someone else can hurt you? I don't know for certain without knowing you better, but there may be some work you can do around both your perception of your ex and your relationship with yourself. Often we leave relationships feeling like the other person was toxic. As logical as it might seem, that conclusion can leave us prone to mistrusting new relationships or feeling hesitant to be vulnerable and try again. There are powerful ways to reframe what happened in the relationship so you can feel greater compassion for both yourself and her, while becoming safely grounded in who you are so that taking the risk of a new relationship becomes a fun adventure instead of a brutal task. If you'd like to talk about what that process looks like and whether or not it would be helpful for your specific situation, let me know. You can book a free strategy session with me directly: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or reach out by email rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
your wife tried to use manipulation of taking her self away to fix it like most women do, and told to do by there friends or family as a man sice the aaction is direct we cant see the motive of what womrn do when they choose this path. i simple told my wife if she choose this money branch i would see it as a workiing solution and i would leave , and once she saw it wasnot the right way to solve our prblem she left the option alone, women think men work off emotion so she tryied to use abesence make the heart grow founger rule on you to get a desired out come instead of telling you what she wanted , like men comprehend, your wife either gas no brther or have very bad communication wih men, she clearly dont know hpw tp translate her message
I don’t have any advice other then if you are in a non-marriage relationship with a chronically depressed person GET OUT while you can. Nothing is more damaging to your spiritual, emotional and financial health than being in a relationship with such a person. Don’t think you’ll save such a person, or that your love will even be reciprocated.
Truthfully I feel I was depression cat-fished by my girlfriend and now I feel guilt because I want to leave her. I can't leave her because I'm in love with her and the relationship has made my life worse. I've got traits of an empath and I have this issue of absorbing other people's strong emotions - I don't see it as a good thing - it's a major problem.. I've actually been becoming more and more lethargic and sad recently - I know that this would not have been the case if I was single.
I am scared of trying out this. Why? Coz i fear she would think I dont give much damn and I am not bothered much while she wants to leave... damn, I am so confused
I can understand. It's such a hard position to be in. I feel for you. You have to find your way forward, and what is right for one person is not right for everyone. What I can say is that letting go of the need to fix your partner allows you to actually listen to them in an entirely new way. You can actually hear what they are saying and be empathetic instead of problem solving, and that is usually much more helpful to the person struggling. I recently put together a list of resources to help support people with depressed partners. You may find it helpful: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
I Found this video so many years after posted. But you are right. As a spouse, its breaks you to see your love in a dark scene where they feel like shit. Their perspective of themselves is so distorted and you cant make them understand that. As another carer said in her video (Lisa canning) loving a depressing person is like loving a newborn baby. When they are crying u might feel tired, exhausted you want a break. But still u wouldnt let that newborn alone? U eould give the care and the love it needs. And I think she and you are totally spot on. We cant fix it, but we can def give love and care. Depression is bad. We can be there, reasure them they are loved, they are handsome they are valued they are seen. And Pray that they are gonna get better. May God help us to be loving and caring spouses for our loved ones that are suffering with this dark illness. Ameen
This came from nowhere for me, over Xmas / New year I thought we were great, 6th Jan, all I got was something is wrong with my head, I’ve seen him once, he’s pushed me away, won’t reply to calls texts emails , I’m lost here,
I'm at work and listening to this.. I'm a man 30 yrs old, and I am gonna try this for the next 7days. You described my experience perfectly.. although from the point of view the man was depressed, still applies to me. Question are you a libra?
Hi Hal, I'm so glad that this video was helpful. How is it going now on Day 5? I'd love to hear if and how this tool works for you. I am getting great feedback from men as well as women, and I am considering shifting the channel to focus on both. I think loving someone with depression brings some universal challenges that are not so gender specific. I'd love to hear from you (and any other men who may read this!): what would you like to see more of on this channel? Is there a topic you'd like me to address? And no, I'm not a Libra 😊, Aquarius here.
Rachel a subject that is pressing for me is my partner is depressed and is starving herself and not drinking. She is living with her dad. While this is going on I’m at home with the two children 12/17 and flitting back to her and back to them. How do children fit into the dynamic of a depressed suicidal parent? Could that be a subject for you?
That's the point :) When I was obsessed with changing the way he felt, I created immense suffering for both of us. When I started taking responsibility for my own mental and emotional health, I became more accepting, compassionate and able to hold space for him, and support him in healing in the ways that work for him. Codependency didn't help either of us. Since I've taken ownership of my own thoughts and feelings, he has had the space and support to begin to heal without me making it harder or causing him to feel guilt/shame/pressure.
