I had the same situation. I was married for 13 Years with a kid, that is now 22. The best decision we ever made was the divorce. Before, we suffered trough 6 years of constant fighting and misunderstandings. After we both signed the papers, we were best friends again and still until this very day!❤ And not just because the kid... I'm so grateful 😊 I have so much respect for you, you are doing everything right!!😊💪🏼👍🏼😃
@@centipedekid9824I think it's the fact that she doesn't have to "stand" being with him that allows for them to be friends. Space gives perspective, in my opinion.
I truly appreciate your being open and talking about this decision. There wasn't a lot of people who were open to talking about it when I got divorced ten years ago. It was hush hush....especially in the culture I had.
I divorced my husband earlier this year after being married for about 2 years. We got married young and truly loved each other romantically. We had a beautiful relationship, and I learned so much from him and about myself. In the end, we recognized that we were no longer compatible and that our relationship could get negative if we tried to force it. We loved each other enough to let our romantic relationship end. There has been so much grief, especially right after that decision, but when the divorce papers were signed, we went out for ice cream and talked for hours to celebrate😂
I had one of those ugly divorces. My ex stuck in a rule that I could not leave my daughter with anyone longer than 4 hours, meaning she could not go camping with my mom even if I was going to join them for the next day at Dollywood. She even called the police on that trip. I went to the required parenting counseling, but she had a friend who could sign off on it do that, and it showed in every way. She could leave her with her parents the entire weekend, but I could not do that. My daughter ended up dying in a car wreck that my ex got in. That finally made our toxic relationship end, thankfully... Not for my daughter, though. You both are the model that we should have had. Proud of you both!
I love the idea of the family expanding rather than replacing. I strongly believe in the "it takes a village" mindset when it comes to raising kids, and I would love to see more cases of divorce where kids are involved to adopt this mentality. Thank you, Jono, for being open and sharing your experiences to a degree in which you're comfortable. I'll be looking forward to Alicia's video, as well. Especially since you both didn't have to do this and could have totally kept these thoughts and feelings to yourselves. The vulnerability is sincerely appreciated.
Just the fact that the two of you chose to let us into the process and your journey to healing means so much to me and I'm sure a lot of other people. You've always been a shining example of acceptance, empathy, kindness and a whole lot of other wonderful adjectives. To see an example of an amicable divorce is such a nice change from so many stories we see. I was super worried about you when I heard about the divorce so I'm so glad that things are progressing and that you're coming out the other side stronger, wiser and healthier. You're an amazing man and a wonderful father - thank you so much for taking us with you. Much love to you, Alicia and your whole family.
This gives me hope. My husband and I have been having problems for a very long time and even with counselling and best intentions it seems like we might not be able to get on the same page. It’s getting to a point where we need to consider whether we‘ll end up sacrificing our family for the sake of upholding our marriage, if that makes sense. Making the decision is so hard, but it does really help to know that divorce can also in a way protect a relationship, not just end it. Thank you for your willingness to share. These must still be difficult videos to make for you both. All the best!
I'm sorry to hear you are going thru this. Kudos to you though for trying to work at it. Jono's video here is a great example of how partnerships can change but still be healthy. I hope you both find peace. 💜
As someone whose earliest memories are sitting in court for divorce proceedings, every experience I've ever had with divorce has been negative. Even in movies and shows. Seeing a divorce happen amicably and with the best possible outcome is very jarring for me. I didn't know it was possible. Im 33 years old and am just now learning that divorce isn't always a bad thing. Thank you for sharing your experience. Sending hugs and much appreciation
I'm a few years older than you and completely agree. Who knew that something most people talk about as the worst thing ever can be a positive, and almost a beautiful, thing?
THANK YOU so much for sharing this Jono!! I think this may honestly be the most important topic for modern families and there's no where near enough support and honest discourse out there. Shame stops people from talking and helping each other, but there is no shame in finding the path that is most loving for all parties. You are doing the right thing 🙂
I initially remember being knocked for six when you guys announced that you’d divorced, but as times gone on it’s actually been reassuring. It’s good to know that if you have a mature and thoughtful way to deal with it, splitting up doesn’t have to be the end of the world.
Married for 20 yrs, divorced, then a few years of intense self-growth and healing. By the end of the marriage and the way it was influencing me, I was someone I didn’t want to be. Divorce started, and within just a few months my sister was killed in a tragic accident, only a few more months and my dad died. Despite the grief and panic attacks I experienced through that time, eventually I saw my divorce as a gift and blessing and a chance to refine and re-find who I was. I wish you luck and peace in your process, and moments of laughter and joys along the way to help you get through. (Waving a friendly “hi!” from northern Utah.)
Thank you for sharing what you said about getting hit by a truck. Sometimes I struggle not to feel contempt for my own sadness and grief because I imagine that healthy people have it all together and would think I was "doing it wrong" by being so hurt and sad. It helps to have someone I look up to say that it hurts them that badly, too.
My parents separated 12 years or so ago. They're relationship towards the end was rocky. But since they split they have had a great relationship! I feel like sometimes we're drawn to people in non romantic ways but we mistake it for romantic then the relationships break down in the end.
How amazing to see the divorce process be handled with respect and love and friendship! Too often we hear horrible stories about relationships ending in horrible ways. Seeing you and Alicia handle this with grace is an important tool and example for everyone. We need more of this. We need more ways to handle life's chaos with grace and humility while feeling all the icky emotions too. Peace to you both and kudos for maintaining your friendship thru this process. It will mean the world to your children. 💜
As long as neither of you are in pain, I'm glad. However you reach happiness or want to journey towards it, this one random internet commenter supports you!
I liked what you said about love and grief because it’s not exclusive to divorce or even romantic relationships. Eventually we will grieve for someone we loved.
this was a truly brave and vulnerable video to film, i appreciate your courage and your integrity and that you guys want to respect your privacy and keep boundaries because this is your personal and private life, while at the same time taking something that can be so painful and bittersweet that so many people can relate to but often suffer in silence about, and helping to share the most important and healing parts of your journey in the hopes that it will help others and their families
My ex and I didnt really fight, we weren't ever cruel. People grow and change, some things came to light eventually and we realized there was no compromize; we were eventually going to hate each other regardless of those decisions. As a guess most ignore these issues and things get toxic. On the day we officially parted, my partner cried, I cried but we are friends to this day.
I'm having a lot of relationship and mental health problems, and hearing about the challenges that a man so healthy and full as yourself face, it gives me hope for healing and makes me feel less shit for having these problems. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for the sweet and loving atmosphere you and Alicia have made on RU-vid. It’s so easy to judge myself and othersharshly because it feels like every little flaw is very criticized by the RU-vid community, y’all remind me that not everyone is critical and that change and progress is human. Love y’all!!
This is such a great vlog. As a husband who's wife cheated on him a good bit and we've been trying to work through things for over 3 years...there's a lot of videos out there that talk about how to heal and breathing techniques but I feel like this one has more honesty and possible solution. Thank you for this.
Your content has been life changing for me over the past few years, and I cant thank you enough for just sharing your thoughts. I hate that life is so unpredictable at times. I really respect the approach here and sincerely wish you both the best through this.
It's really great to see healthy models of how people can still maintain a good rapport with each other, even when shifting from romantic relationships to platonic friendships. I hope this becomes more normalized with time. Thanks for you both being so kind in sharing information from your private lives that can actually really help people.
My partner and I are going through it, and sometimes I feel bad about how much I don’t really feel bad about it. I have been inspired by this series to work hard to save our friendship, and I feel it’s worth it because we’ve known each other each other for about a decade before getting married and spent another 15 years in this marriage. No matter how bad things got, we’ve always stayed friendly with each other for the most part, and making the decision to divorce has actually improved that in a way. I believe the reason I don’t feel so bad is because I’ve been thinking about it for a while and had more time to process, and I just felt so much relief from the weight being lifted, and she said she feels similar, but it’s been especially hard for her to deal with overall and I just feel so bad for her, and I kind of feel guilty about not going through it like she is.
this is an awesome video. an unconventional, but much needed perspective for our society, which I wish was mainstream! if my family had this approach during my childhood, we would have had such a different life experience. if i ever have a divorce (knock on wood), i feel like i'll be well equipped to manage it, especially since i have this structure / template / vocabulary i can use to express the changes in a loving way. jono and alicia -- thank you. while your love may not be romantic anymore, it's the brightest, purest love i've ever encountered, and so inspiring. thank you for sharing your heart / soul with us. looking forward to alicia's takes. ♥
I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty about the difficulty of divorce in this video. As a fellow person that’s been divorced, and a new marriage and family therapist, how do you reconcile with having this experience and being viewed as a “relationship expert?” Do you see it impacting your work in any way?
Hugs to you and Alicia for the part that hurts. Cause loving people do not choose to marry in order to divorce down the line BUT loving people do choose to separate out of love and respect for one-another. It's really not that different with friendships or even family either. Sometimes what we each need - as it also has changed and grown and developed into different directions through time - cannot be held in the same space. Sometimes it costs us more than we can afford to make it work. Sometimes it's not even that, but that our purpose is calling and we can no longer ignore how it calls us away and it'd just be to cruel to be "alone together" when you could be "friends who have supportive partners by their sides in the places where purpose has called you to". Life is challenging like that sometimes. And in such times, clinging to something that does work is NOT a neutral state. It can absolutely take very very very bad turns. And that is far worse than separating timely, while you still can extend love!
I can't imagine how painful it must be when there are even children involved. I already suffered a lot for someone that i still love despite all these years and i can't imagine going again through that if i somehow open again to a new partner. It feels me with dread and honestly its stopping me from forming any meaningful connection. It's so bad to the point i just dropped the whole idea of having a partner and just enjoy friendships... but a part of me really wants to be a father.
Your voice and inflection show you are still grieving. Your thoughts about continuing to be friends and just expanding the family sound nice, and while I wish you well, reality tends to work best when you are more exclusive. I have no right to suggest, but for your sake, be decisive in how you form relationships; be exclusive and be strong. Being inclusive in your family will do harm.
It could be very possible down the line when time has passed, of course it's a little more difficult with those fresh wounds. You have to trust their agency as responsible adults to decide what's best for them.
My favorite holiday recipe is for a family recipe called tourtiere. It's a French Canadian meat pie. We love it as a side for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Oh hun, I missed this somehow. I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing okay. I know I don't know you, I know this is a "para social relationship" as the kids say. But I care about you Jono. Take care of yourself. Edit: this all sounds like exactly what my ex said about his ex that he was still friends with. When we got serious, she got handsy with him and sabotaged our relationship. Be careful. I don't think people can actually let go like that - some people think they can, but become territorial when they see it happening. Both myself and my ex are HSPs. Yes, I am projecting. Truly, Jono, this comes from love and caring.
As much as I was against you two divorcing it was only because from what I see you guys were amazing together and were but sometimes people just need to go find themselves. Thank you for your videos.
I'm in the same situation. My husband and I ended our romantic relationship, but we still love each other very much. It's soooo so hurtful that it had to end this way, but it's probably for the best. I'm not yet there - feeling that I'm healing? Maybe a little? What we don't do is talk about our grief or he doesn't. I'm in therapy now and my therapist thinks we both lost ourselves in our wish for symbiosis. So it's probably for the best to not know each and every detail at the moment? I know that if I knew about all the hurtful things I did or whether he regrets things, then I might not be able to forgive myself and move on? He told me that he doesn't regret, doesn't blame me and wants me to focus on getting better and eventually getting happy. So that's what I wanna do...
I had a partner for about 5 years and recently seperated. We wanted different things. But we work well as friends instead, and that is how it started anyway. He is still 'cat dad' to my cat, and i guess if anything happens to me, he is the one to take her in, or find her a loving home if he can't. It is hard sometimes, and i feel guilt for the times i was less than agreeable. But i am learning to live with it.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, insights and thoughts of this process you are going through, for being open and authentic. I very much appreciate your decision to share this experience in the idea it could be helpfull for other people in similar situations, for me this is being a role model of sincerity and integrity. Being an hsp and working as trauma informed coach myself (loving to support people to get better, overcome hardships and thrive) I very much can relate to the inner struggles that you mentioned. It very much resonated with me when you talked about helping people to overcome hardships that we have gone through ourselves and turn it into something helpfull for others. I have the theory that hsps who are in coaching or healing professions are driven by profound empathy and compassion to provide the support and compassion that they often did not get themselves. And yeah, I also can relate to the very dark moments and thoughts. I wish you both all the best on your respective healing journeys and all the happiness in the world.
I respect the boundaries you guys gave in not airing out the details but how to cope with the situation. Too many fans think they know everything and create a para social relationship. And I went through the comments on one your posts or Instagram page and someone was trying to choose side to make you or Alicia the villain.
Andddd i just got an ad in the middle of this video where this man said “I can fix your marriage without you having to make compromises with your wife, etc… if you’re trying to make your wife happy, you’re absolutely insane.” What is going on lol
My parents didn't divorce when they should have and stuck it out for 5+ years longer than they should have. It destroyed their friendship and made coparenting their minor children for the next 13 years really contentious. They have both been remarried for 20 years and their youngest is almost 30 but they never really grew past it. They're still weirdos around each other at family events. Thier spouses are quite similar and get along well though so at family functions my step-parents are friendlier with each other than my parents!
This really resonated with me! I really appreciate you sharing. I very much feel this way with my husband now and I've contemplated divorce but it feels like that would be unnecessarily painful and uproot our family of 5. Do you think it's possible to stay together knowing your love has changed to friends and is no longer romantic?
Watching this video when RU-vid didn't put anything about this on my subscription feed until now is...weird. It's even weirder because I know I don't actually know you, and yet I still feel like I missed something vital and feel bad about missing it. It feels the same as when Facebook eliminated the choice to see their feed in chronological order, and now I don't see some things until days or even weeks later unless I go directly to their page...only I actually know those people.
Some a lot of divorces end ugly because they people end up hating each other or there was abuse etc. However, I had a friend who's parents had a happy divorce. They said 'hey we love each other but not romantically so we think it is best we are just friends.'
This may not be the right video to comment with this on, but as someone who is still young and hasnt gotten married but hoping to one day, how do you have the courage and belief to get married when divorce is so high? I'm honestly a little scared to give into that hope that the person im dating is the one. Hope y'all are doing okay, Johnno ❤
I swear that from the first minute I saw this couple I just KNEW this is not going to last! I also have a sense that you are blamed for most things and you are putting her on a pedestal. She is the wisest and the smartest person? On many videos she comes off a bit toxic in my opinion, putting all the blame on Jono.
When you do start dating, Jono, I'd be curious about how you handle that as a middle aged Demisexual. As one myself, i've noticed it' sharder to make new connections than it was in my 20's, and now as a divorced 45 year old Demisexual the dating apps are not helpful and I'm just not exposed to other single people.
Hey there, fellow demisexual here, although younger and not divorced. The best way to meet people (especially for me because I am also an intense introvert) is to try and find hobbies to engage in, like a book club as an example. Whatever your interest is, see if there is a local group that you can join. Bc I am so reserved, “forced” meetings are basically the only ways I ever met anyone. And when I say “forced” I mean school and work. Those are things in life where you’re going to Have to meet people, but if you’re able to choose the setting of the encounter, that makes it so much better, because even though its not a guarantee to meet someone, at least you’ll also be doing something enriching for yourself as well. Good luck on your journey!
So I have a question. I watch a lot of super nanny and she has some really good episodes about divorce and co parenting. Have you seen any of them and if so do you think that Jo gives good advice?
Grief can be deadly. More information about how to deal with it could probably save lives. Having somewhere to land when it knocks could probably save more lives. I haven't found emotional intelligence about grief specifically is very common in the places where the crisis moments of it tends to lead. If you find the answers that could change this, you'll have done the world a favour it didn't even know it needed.
No matter what divorce is hard and shouldnt be taken lightly when children are involved. On the flip side we only get one life to live so its important to be as happy as you can be in that life.
In Europe here a choach with psychologist made a book about relatiosnhips, and also patterns of behavior children learned in childhood which affected their aduthood and relationships. They meet every week in seminar, it saved the men and women marriage, because they realised what mistakes they did, most mistakes are learned in childgood, because the brain is in growing state in childhood, their brain is in state of theta, which means hypnosis and imagination. Subconscious mind is created in childhood. Dr. Bruce Lipton says subconscious mind works the same way as a computer program, so in adulthood people need to reprogarm the subconscious mind and habits. The seminars in restaurant can be a good thing, people will braek addiction with phones etc.
I've been very curious about all of this in regards to your religion since it's such an extremely marriage- and family-centric religion. Has your community been supportive and helpful? And to what extent (if any) did religious pressure play into any of this? I know more about the ultra fundamentalist branches since those are the ones that get all the TV shows and documentaries, and I know very little about the more open and affirming branch(es). Obviously, you do not owe me or anyone the specifics of your religious experience, I've just been curious.
This is a topic I really disagree with most people, I would never “be friends” with an ex. I might talk to them if I had to because we had children or something but a friendship, consider them still family, etc. hell no. There’s a reason things went wrong and I couldn’t keep trusting that person, there are feelings hurt and a failure in connection that cannot be repaired. I think that when it comes to couples there is no “way back to simpler times”. I think people do this “keep being friends” not to confront the painful reality of loosing someone, the mourning of a loss, just like some had died… because it did, the person you fell in love with is now dead
How will y’all address your respective elephants in the room when either of you decide to start dating other people? Do you want to start dating other people?
@@alexandrugheorghe5610 not at all. this is beautiful and thoughtful video about an important and vulnerable topic. But I'm also curious about this. Both can be true.
If you watch Cinema Therapy, he does change shirt colors pretty often. He has also mentioned before that he likes the color blue, and it does make his eyes really pop. It's a color that works on him, and he knows it, so it gives him another edge of confidence, I believe 😊.
@@jauntydamemusic they literally will have less job of editing these stock clips into the video, don't you get it? I'm very fine with just Jono talking
See, that's the thing right there. How is it that it's a not yet normalised that people change and sometimes love each other, but their paths lead them apart, e.g. because they develop very different work goals over time etc. ??? I personally find that so puzzling! It's so strange to me that people are surprised by love being unconditional but relationships are NOT and they aren't only subjected to personal changes, but also work and societal changes. You can love and find that you can't make your lives fit any more without getting exhausted building and maintaining too many bridges on top of the bridges society demands you build and maintain. It's almost as if the responsibility to support people also shouldn't be left to families only (it just has never functioned properly in way too many cases) but to society as a whole. Because people just do better when they have more freedom to adjust the balance of their challenges along-sides the changes they go through and society as a whole goes through.
I would not want to date someone who is friends with their ex. Amicable for the sake of the kids? Yes. People who love each other and still hang out/work together? No. You're gaslighting yourself if you think that's a normal thing a future partner should be okay with.
That's not what gaslighting means. And it's more normal than you know. But it's okay, I'm not looking to date everybody, just those who can handle a friendship without being threatened. Not everybody has to see the world the same way and not everybody thinks the way you do.
You should have had the reserve to at least direct that thought somewhere else for this. He gave legit perspectives on Their reasons for their actions. No need to stir the pot on something you know is sensitive.
My parents couldn't be in the same room as each other for years. So much bitterness and anger. I happened to meet a family who had gone through a divorce in a small town and therefore still ran in the same circles and went to the same church. Both moved on and remarried with the ex/first wife teaching the children of her former husband and his new wife in church. I'll never forget being at one couple's house when a son from the first couple came to visit from college. His stepdad called his dad, "Your son's here for dinner. Come on over." It was so alien and foreign to me to watch these two men get along as true friends. I envied their son so much that he could be with both sides of his family without guilt or worry and could relax in their presence and be a family. I would hope we could normalize this and not stigmatize it like you're doing. Signed, a child of divorce.
Hardest question: Now that you had the courage to let go, and both made the effort to truly learn about your mistakes and what you could've done better: If we as a community asked you both to try two years of married life together again, helped by each other's big heart (and Alexey Welsh's channel😘ie loving-sex), would you two be able to make those two years flourish?💞 Tough emotions evoked instead of Closure, but the light still embraces you🌌🌦️🌱
I'm sorry, but this is not an appropriate comment to make. It is not our place to ask for two real people to make that kind of commitment to one another. If they choose to do so on their own terms, great. If not, also great. It's their lives, not ours. They deserve support, not demands.
@@SaucyJTD You understand the value of hypotheticals if you want to become a much deeper person, unafraid to lovingly connect? Feeling through why this could or couldn't-possibly work gets to the heart of what they allowed to collapse. If you see others as inner experiencers, not as your role-player, you'll realize how brutally this hit them, going down that hole (usually the ingrainedness of habits, or lack of sexual evolution for such a deeply bonded caring couple). It takes courage not to run from incisive questions and Jono has that.
I’d hardly call a mature, amicable divorce a “mess.” Therapists are people too and nobody is infallible. You seem to just be looking for reasons to be hateful.
Or another way of looking at it…If you had cancer, would you want a doctor who had experienced cancer previously or one that did not intimately know the experience?
