How To Overcome a Fear of Rejection and Find Yourself  

Hey Jonathan, I imagine that this video was hard to do. It's one thing to reflect, learn about yourself and grow and a completely different thing to publicly share all of this. I know all this bullying during your childhood is part of why you are the compassionate and cool guy you are today, but still I'm sorry you had to go through this and I wish there had been an easier way. Hats off for bravely sharing your story and showing vulnerabilty to connect with us. We really appreciate that!

I've always liked the saying that rejection is a process and it leads you to who is right for you. The context behind it is dating but it can definitely apply to other situations like finding a job, making new friends, etc. Rejection doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it just means you have a better match elsewhere

“You wouldn’t hurt your friend, right? You wouldn’t say horrible things to your friend, right? You wouldn’t want your friend to end their life, right? Be your friend! Treat yourself like a FRIEND!” - my mom:) Best advice during my depression. Best advice EVER received. Be a friend to yourself. The rest will follow. Every time there’s a negative thought, I say, “Don’t hurt my friend.” Make sure the bad thoughts go away. Don’t entertain hurting yourself.

In a moment of introspection, I realized that I had been fake to so many people. I was never confident in their affection because I thought they loved my facade. So one day I realized that the only way people could love me was to show me. Sure, I lost a lot of people who preferred the one who just agreed with everything and refused to take a stand. But I met and married a man with every confidence that he loved me. He knew me, all of me, because I hid nothing. And that wasn't possible before I decided to be honest. And all those people who didn't like the real me? Turns out they weren't the people I wanted to be friends with after all. We weren't a good match, and that was something I couldn't figure out because I wouldn't stand up for myself. And dating is kind of like picking adjectives. You figure out what you can't live with and you find somebody you can't live without. Some people find others who are everything the first shot out, and that's great. But sometimes we find people we love but can't live with. And that's not a failed relationship, that's just life. Friends are made, and friendships break. To think that there would be anything less in life is just...wild.

Did you just smell my mental breakdown or what? Good timing 😅

I love this guy he's so authentic, he encourages me in knowing that vulnerability isn't toxic or "trauma dumping"

Jono, I don't know if you check the comments on old videos like this. But as someone who is also a Christian, who's at a place where he's struggling with his self-worth and depression, and with his faith in God - truly accepting that God loves me no matter what - this is exactly what I needed to hear. Both right now in my day, and in my life as a whole. Thank you so much for this message. I really think God has spoken through you here, and I can't praise Him enough for how He's using you to bring about His goodness. God bless

When I was dating my now spouse in college, I distinctly remember a moment where they asked me "who do you want me to be? I'll turn myself into who ever you want," which I now realize about a decade later was a sign of a dreamer personality and fear of rejection. As someone who has always known who she is, I didn't understand the question but I remembered thinking to myself that I would never change for anyone, so I said I wanted them to be themselves because that was who I fell in love with. Thank you for this video that helps me understand the amazing person I married and see how much growth they've made

I always have so much admiration for you and just how willing you are to be vulnerable on here and i hope you know that It also helps me try to be more vulnerable and open when it comes to stuff like this.

Jonathan is literally one of the best and most helpful people - granted among many, but still, he's one of them, plus we need more, not fewer. Whenever he shares how he suffered so badly and unfairly especially when he was a young kid, it's hard to hear or understand, though I get that stuff does happen. It sure would be nice for people to be so much more in touch with and aware of all the good stuff about themselves and be proud of that (in a healthy way) and own how beautiful we all are in our own ways and in so many ways. Everyone's got so many positive things if they could just realize that and appreciate it. It would be a great thing if children were taught how to love themselves (in a healthy way) and be their own cheerleader no matter what happens to them, how others treat them, or how hard life can be or the mistakes they make, etc. With all the high quality mental health, relationship, communication, and personal development skills training and information available for free online now, there might actually come a time maybe even in this century, where the world might actually get smarter about all this stuff.

I really needed this. I didn't realize that i was feeling burnt out because i was always extending grace and compassion to others, but not to myself. So I was trying to be the one to hold everyone and everything together as my value and self-worth, when that's not who I am. I can ask for the things I need and trust that the people i love want to do that for me. I don't have to do it all on my own to try to prove that I matter. Taking care of myself is important. Loving myself is important. Being myself, flaws and all, is important. Being human is important.

I used to feel this way but I've recently learned of fear of being disposed. My father is a narc and mother might be the same I've been told for most of my life to forgive and forget even though I never got any compassion or empathy just a cold dismissal and treated like a problem. Now I've cut them all out as they would always try to make me apologize for being attacked, found my self worth at long last and said enough is enough. Still have the feeling of going back but I just remind myself of the cost and then I realise I made the right choice. Cinema therapy has helped me so much

Today I have the first date with a girl in about 8 years. And I am freaking out. I recognized my self in what you said in this video Jonathan. I would rather see someone else happy than my self because I already made up my mind that I am not good enough years ago. I have been struggling with weight and health issues all my life and my Self-Image is almost nonexistent. It gives me some comfort that I know the girl I am meeting has the same struggles so there is a mutual understanding. I have been sitting alone at home for yrs and it is about high time I stop feeling bad and get to work! Wish me luck people!

When he got to that part of getting your heart broken i resonate with that soo much.... i feel like no woman could legitimately love me so i dont try or give up the first sign of them not liking me... i feel like alot of men go though this and it leads to male depression and lonliness as well as male self deletion. I wish woman understood how much they hurt a man when they just throw them away like they're nothing....

When you spoke about God, this memory came back to me. I helped found an "alternative religious" group when I was in college. It was very difficult, but one of the best things I could have done. We had neo-Pagans of all shapes, sizes, and styles, along with many world religions that were not represented by the established religious groups that already existed. We had a "welcome ritual" at the beginning of each meeting, where we would pass around our talking stick to each person, no matter how many people were there, no matter how long it took. Each person would start by stating their name, and they would get in response, "Welcome, *name*! What's your problem?" from the other 15-30 people in the room. We meant it--we wanted to know who you were, what had brought you to us, and whether we could help with whatever challenges you happened to be facing. It had started as a joke, but now I realize that we gave many vulnerable people a safe space to be heard, accepted, and helped when everywhere else they were met with silence, rejection, and bullying for how they saw the Divine, and for what they believed to be sacred. Maybe it's time to stop thinking that I haven't accomplished much in my life. Maybe, as uncomfortable as it feels, it's time to embrace myself for a change. 🌻

My spouse has been incredibly patient throughout my same struggles. It's important to remember that these fear of rejection behaviors often are what make people not trust us/choose to not have us in their lives and not be in ours. There will always be people who reject us, but we owe it to the people we care about and to ourselves to be honest about who we are and what we feel/think/etc. Otherwise we're living lives not as ourselves, but as a shapeshifter of who we think we're meant to be. I've been doing that for so long that I am struggling now with figuring out who I actually am. and what my real thoughts and feelings are. And living like that comes along with fear of being found out. anxiously waiting for people to see who we "really" are and abandon us/reject us. Thank you for sharing this video with us

One of the many reasons my plushie sharky helps me is how hard I find it to say good things about myself. Instead, I can have her say those things. Things like, that embarrassing thing doesn't stop me loving you, or, that small achievement makes me so proud of you, etc... Cheers for being so vulnerable!!! I too was bullied in school, so I feel you there xxx Huggles & sharky snuggles xxx

You could not have made this video at a more perfect time for me in my life thank you

A little bit of a story from my part, and a little bit of struggle that i face right now - before having my mind completely blank after the trauma that i ve been through, or let s say after i stopped thibking so deep , i could barely made a sentence in my head or speak properly ( which i m still struggling...because i have a lot on my back ) I didn t appreciate my thoughts and the way i used to think( i kept a journal and after not having any thoughts or any point of focus of what i should do or how i used to think i read those thoughts of mine) and after years of me thibking that i was so stupid, so unimportant, so so so many bad thibgs about myself ( because of my narcissistic family system) i realized how open minded i really was in fact But right now i have nothing in me because the thibgs they put me through, my brain is completely lost i an barely thibk or make connections in my head or remember past memories

This is exactly what I have needed to hear for myself. I was the looser in school growing up and felt like the odd individual out. Now, being older I am trying to love myself and create healthy boundaries with those that decide to reject me

“they struggle with intolerance” THIS helps so much. i have never ever thought of it this way.

2:33 I am this all over I am 26 and have always been like that I am a dreamer personality 100% always people pleased and seems like I have a billion personalities to always suit the people around me - different cultures, backgrounds, ages, gender everything. Makes me really not know myself and be so conflicted and confused and also not love myself and be kind and compassionate to myself. Soooo videos like this I have just searched cos I have recently opened up to the fact that I have a huge fear of rejection. I was the same as u in school thought I was the popular guy and make jokes around people and be all happy and jovel around the wrong people and they took the piss out of me and called me an outcast. That really took it out of me as I am very sensitive to rejection. I am trying to get better and just think ok that wasnt good so I will try again, rather than avoid. Especially talking and approaching girls. Because I have not accepted myself so it just never works

Thank you for being brave and vulnerable, reminding us that healing can't be done through guilt and punishment, but through kindness and compassion. It is beyond inspiring, it is hopeful and bright. Thanks for bringing light.

I did start moving towards selflove more and more, I did it by journaling my inner critic, like counting how often I would degrade myself in axday, write down what I would say and then find comforting things to say and write these down. But since being a mom I often come to my limits and when I snap and shout at my kid, evrn though I know its not their fault, theyre just a kid but I am just tired and annoyed and out of ideas. Then I will cry and say to myself that I am a fsilure as a parent and csn't do anything right. The worst thing is I became an Kindergarden teacher! So I feel e en more like I should be able to handle things! And I have to stop this or my child will learn this from me and I really don't want this but I feel like I am stuck, the things that helped to this point don't feel like they work anymore...

Thank you so much, i was raised to be wrong all the time, when ever my parents did something wrong i had to be the one who had to appolagise, and it was really hard for me. I keep appolagising for mistakes that are not mine. Thank you, it might take me a very long time to accpet who i am. But atleast now i have an answer

It's helpful to see somebody struggling with similar things to me but moving forward. Overcoming. Thank you for sharing. I think we view "overcoming weakness" as in getting rid of the weakness, but I think maybe it's learning to live with the weakness instead.

Every person I've had a close connection to (parents, SO..) except my lil sister has abandoned me ever since I was about 11 or 12. They're fair-weather relationships, and I'm always waiting for the moment they will leave me again. I keep myself guarded so even tho it will hurt, maybe it won't hurt as much when ik it will eventually come. I don't allow myself to get too comfortable in any of my relationships bc Ik it will all blow up in my face eventually.

John, this was such a beautiful and powerful video... Thank you so much for opening up about this topic. Hearing the things you said was very helpful and I needed to hear them today. Thank you!!

Very useful information because of where I am in my path to fulfilment. Learning to be yourself is the toughest of paths but it is your choice to make. PEACE

Wow thank you, this is healing … more than words can say.

This video speaks so much truth! I feel such pain and I want to truly overcome the trauma, to love and to accept me for who I truly am. Thank you for being so open and kind! Thank you for all you do. 🙏

Im a new fan of yours Jonathan (hugs)

Thanks Jonathan

I know him from the reaction channel. Man, this hits right into my head, chest and my bone marrow. Thank you so much Jonathan

Wow. I don't usually comment, but you've just helped me start to figure out a lot more about myself. Thank you.

Honestly that analogy with Crush from Nemo was SO good ahahah I struggle with this too. Maybe not for the same reasons, and I sometimes get really messed up thinking i am a bitch or a bad person because i lash out and get defensive because I am so judgemental of me and others. And then depend on other people to validate me and tell me that I am not a bad person. I know I should be able to give this validation to myself but sometimes I get so in despair and hurt that I dont know what to do, so I just go and talk to my friends or parents. And that makes me feel like a child even though i am not supposed to act like one. It really is a true struggle so I really appreciate your video and vulnerability. Thank you for your channel and for existing 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️

Thanks again for sharing your wisdom dude 💜

I am an infp..i did the same. Your experience is same as mine.

Very powerful. Thank you for being willing to share your experience and journey with us

thank you for being real and vulnerable

Good sir, the more I "get to know you" through these videos, the more I see we have in common. Yes, I use the tool of offering myself the same consideration/compassion I'd offer to someone else. It works. I've been helping (reminding/nagging) one of my grown kids to do the same. And the thing with Gd as a loving parent, being there with us, though we need to do the work... Spot on. 🙏❤🏳‍🌈

We're the same person, thanks for the video.

Wow thank you for being so honest, this has truly helped me to see myself in a more clear light and feel motivated to change.

Thank you for this

Even though I'm in my early thirties, I've felt I'll never get out from under the oppressive cloud that booms 'You're the unlikable one and no one respects you.' I really needed this topic today, because I'm leaving a job that depresses/angers me. The thing that's held me back from doing that is that I don't want potential new jobs to hurt me the same way. Thank you for sharing with us. We'll all help to heal each other, and spread the mending light around.

I also believe in a higher power. I loved your explanation of what role god plays in your life, very realistic & reasonable. My view & understanding is very similar to how I view the One I worship. Not like some glorified Santa Claus, which I also used to think similarly when younger..

This was a very meaningful video. definitely one pertinent to what I'm struggling with and have been struggling with for the last few years. The dishonesty/half truths for fear of rejection especially rung true. and even after years of work I've only recently made real progress with this and there's still a ways to go. I really relate to how you described your struggles with fear of rejection and lack of self acceptance/self love. Thank you for sharing this vulnerable part of yourself with us. Especially when the need to be liked would make it more difficult to be honest in this way. nothing but respect for you Jono.

I love your stuff so much.

I would consider myself spiritual, not Christian, but your words resonate very deeply and you’ve come to your own modern insights in such an inspiring way. Thank you for this video.

thank you for sharing! we need more of your honesty and vulnerability:) truly gold hearted

Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty, it helps so much! And I can relate to so many you say.

Wow, this was what I needed. Thank you for being you, Jono. You just reached a guy all the way from Brazil. Ps. Love your work from cinema therapy a.k.a. crying with allan a.k.a. my favorite hobby on the internet right now

❤ thank you for your empathy and kindness in this

I didn’t open this video intending to tear up, but here we are! This hits close to home. Appreciate you being a prime example of how to open up and be powerfully vulnerable, Johno.

I identify with your childhood, mine was very similar. God bless you and your family ❤️

Thank you for the video! I believe that it´s important to know yourself and be confident about what you are and what you want to keep in your heart. That´s the way you´ll never let anyone hurts you. Your affirmation about yourself is stronger. ♥

Will you please stop making me cry, lol. This hits so close to home. I even felt rejected by my whole family. And, tbh, I blame part of the failure of my last relationship on my fear of rejection because I let it have so much control over me at the time. Thankfully, I learned from that failure, and though the fear is still there, it doesn't have the control over me that it used to.

Thank you so much for this. I've been recently diagnosed with combined ADHD at the age of 29, a huge majority of my life I struggled with a lot of the things you mentioned, changing myself/chameleoning due to rejection. This explains why I've been through a lot of abusive relationships/situations over the past decade or so, for me it was bad in high school as I couldn't fit in with the other "normal" girls due to me having ADHD & being Neurodivergent, I was never going to fit in & all the years of bullying took a toll on me & taught me that being myself was the wrong thing, so I masked for a huge majority of my life, it got me into situations that I actually didn't want to be in. Now I have something to talk to my therapist about tomorrow & I feel like I have an answer! Thank you so much for sharing your experience & helping me find an answer in the process. I hope you and Alisha (I hope I got the spelling right) have a great week!

OMG i cant believe how relateable every single word was you said... I felt like somebody addresses exactly my inner pain & gave it a voice along with realistic advises😢 couldn't control my tears & the strength i feel within myself

Thank you for sharing, processing, pushing into growth, and transparently articulating. This hit home for me. Thank you.

Wow! I came across this video right when I needed to hear this the most. Thank you for your vulnerability. This video hits home.

Thank you so much for this video… I was trying to find meditation and nothing really helped. But I slept to this and I must have heard something peaceful because I was able to relax and sleep. As I’m re-listening to this I see now I need to further give myself grace, trust God. I recently got rejected by someone and I need to accept it

Great video! Could you do a one on the fear of acceptance? I see rejection talked about all the time, but I've always struggled with allowing myself to be accepted. For me, rejection feels easier to deal with because it's safe, rather than the potential loss that might come with acceptance.

I used to give everyone compassion until I got burned and got ptsd, Now I have become selfish and my entire personality has changed. I dont know how to heal and I am afraid I cannot ever return to the person I used to be. The selfishness feels uncontrollable and is a sort of protection mechanism and I also have a lot of old anger from being hurt so many times. I feel that I am no longer the person I used to be, I feel ruined, and I am afraid I have lost myself. I struggled to know how to love myself even before I got ptsd. Now I have Dissociation also as a result of trauma. I have lots of resentment towards those who hurt me and yet they act unaware of even doing anything to hurt me. Im angry and resentful towards the people who got off scot-free while I am still suffering.

Thank you for sharing, bless you

Can you talk about the opposite, the fear of acceptance? From my experience with essentially being rejected and bullied my whole life, I have developed a fear of being accepted. I know how to survive rejection but acceptance is so unfamiliar that sometimes it so hard to accept the goodness of others because the same people can hurt me by rejecting me. It cripples my social life because I will isolate from people that show me acceptance.

It resonates with me what you are saying!! During so many years of failed Relationships this unlovable feeling just keeps growing, now I am just scared to open to anyone , i work and go to the gym (which is girls only) and then the weekend meet my family.

thank you Jonathan 😭❤

Low self-esteem's a bitch. It's so hard to reach out and try to connect with new people because you're just so convinced no one would like you anyway.

Wow, this felt like a sermon in church - wonderful and heartfelt. Thank you. 😊

I was never diagnosed with anything because I tried to hide things when I was younger, but I’m pretty sure I had severe anxiety and depression and OCD. Guilt was my CONSTANT companion. I’ve overcome a lot, but sometimes I revert back to my default if guilt. Because if I keep guilt with me, then I can also keep my guilty pleasures and not change. Or, sometimes I do change. I move forward. But my guilt stays and keeps me rooted in the past so that I can’t see my change.

So powerful ~ thank you

Thank for sharing, this really helped me.

04:12 XD! Damn Jonathan! I almost spit out my dinner!

I'm watching this at just the right time...right after yet another breakup. I identify so much with Jono's thing of my big aspiration is to marry and have a family, which just hasn't happened yet. And I feel like I'm running out of time. I don't necessarily think I need someone else to complete me or whatever. But, it is so hard to feel unlovable. When so many people get to know me even more deeply and then reject me...man, that hurts so bad. Even when I know I'm fine on my own. I'd just really like that real connection. Thank you so much for these videos. They really do help.

Thanks for the timely topic.. I just went through a rejection.. And I still love him, but I certainly can't trust him.. and he doesn't want to fix what is going on with himself.. which will ultimately lead to more people getting hurt.. but I can't continue to give out my hand just to have it bite with no acknowledgement that his behavior is harmful.. So I was back to my old thinking of I'm not lovable, nobody can love me, so so many have walked away.. thank you for reminding me that I'm here for myself, that walking away from him was for preserving myself against his toxicity.. Thanks

From early childhood I lived with tremendous guilt. My parents were very religious. I didn't learn to love God until decades later. The threat of hellfire and brimstone was a tremendous fear of what I believed what God was to not only me but to everyone. I would try to submit my life at every service. One such evening, I went into a full blown panic attack. I was ten years old. Everyone in the church thought the spirit was on me. Trust me that was far from peace and joy. A lot of my life was spent hiding and running from the God that was ready to strike me dead at any given moment. When I found drugs, alcohol and women that helped me disappear for a while. Even now at 76 years old, I dread what awaits upon my death.

Thank you.

Thank you for this video🦋

Thank you .Really.

How cool is it that we can have access to these tools for free on RU-vid. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you 🙏🏾

Thank you, I need this so much right now.🙏

awesome video!

I had kind of opposite reaction to fear of rejection and low self esteem. I don't try to be what people want but I try to make my flaws seem bigger so nobody has any expectations of me I can fail.

I needed this so badly. You described my life too basically. I have trouble making new friends bc of fear of rejection and them. Just being divroced at 38 is pretty hard

Thank you so much for being so honest and vulnerable and sharing your story with us! I want to ask the camera person to please reduce this cutting in and out. I find it really disturbing. I could only concentrate on the content when I looked away.

I’m so happy you decided to talk about this. I respect you so much and wondered what you would have to say about this. All my life, exacerbated more recently, I’ve had crippling social anxiety that’s kept me from having a life and I suspect the underlying reason is fear of rejection. Anytime I show my face to the public I wonder if they’re judging me or if I’m unlikable. I’m constantly seeking validation from others, and if I don’t have it, I assume the fault lies with me. I’ve been described even as a kid as too sensitive and a people pleaser. I desperately want to feel like a functioning adult or even go outside without having a panic attack. I’m so sorry you went through those same struggles and hope you’ve found peace and love for yourself now. Knowing that someone like you (well-grounded and having it all together) overcame that, gives me hope. Thanks for sharing your experiences and being there for us. ❤️

So, I've been dealing with abuse, physical, mental, and s.a mostvof my life. Left me with cptsd, depression and crippling anxiety and social phobia. I tried therapy and it never ends well. I've finally decided to give it one last chance with one of the most reknown therapist in the area. I stopped after year because for a moment there his therapist mask slipped and he laughed because I am very suicidal but I can't bring to go out and jump off a cliff or get a proper razor. (Ive tried overdosing 3 times and ended throwing up and at the hospital with a tube down my nose to my stomach). He laughed. I was extremely depressed that day, that week, that month, and I repeatedly told him do. And he laughed. He realised he had slipped up and try to put on his mask again, sat up straight because he had been leaning back in his chair. And I told him no, I wasn't having it. I disconnected the Zoom call and he tried calling and messaging me several times - gaslighting me saying it was me running away running from therapy cause I didn't want to get better and he was not accepting my NO. He kept saying he'd see me at my next appointment. But for once I was not having it and I told him my family knew and just like me they thought he was scared of the legal consequences. And also what I thought of him. So yeah, I'm not sure what to, how to go on, how to... anything.

So you had at least the "courage" to put yourself up and be seen by others and give acces to others seeing you and liking you, like somehow be in their spotlight- but what can you do when you have fear of rejection but also don t let ANYONE see how you truly are as a person?

I am totally speechless how touching up to the core your personal experience and the whole topic is to me. I am tired of being stuck between accepting myself and baring with having low results in life, accepting this fails, but still not accepting myself and what is important from your words- my power to support myself. Fear of rejection is much more than not finding mate for a date, it's about fear of losing job, losing some of your friends or people who know you, sometimes losing your parents support and even maybe loosing the person we thought we loved . After I understood I am dishonest to myself and to others, I had to start be real and talk totally open about my issues and. Excepting them. I still learn how to do it. I still fear of not finding support from those people. but the thing is that only love to yourself and trust in your powers can support this messed up frightened boy inside,noone and nothing else. I am so grateful to you, Jonathan! I actually have a question. My current psychologist could not make it clear to me , how can I overcome my non acceptance. we tried to dig but he do not dig into the same path as you do. He is gestalt psychologyst, and when talking to me, he shares that he has same problems as I do. I heard some advice, that better find psychologist who already overcame same issues you had or even never had to be a good example for client on how to be different and heal. What you think, is he suitable for me as personality and as psych preserving gestalt direction?

I love your videos and appreciate you don't have music or loud noises.

Your childhood story breaks my heart just by hearing it. T_T

Thanks so much for this video topic, Jonathan, I really needed to hear this advice today. I'm trying to focus on loving and getting to know myself, and though it's tricky at times, I'm determined to try it.

I swear I'm equal parts Jono and Alicia. I have this need to get things done, and desperate for independence, but also I fear rejection and isolation. O.o

Thank you so much for being vulnerable with us. This video was super helpful!❤

I think you should create some "Shadow Work" questions for different categories. From your perspective, especially for guys, that would be really good.

When he talks about types, is he talking about Myers-Briggs types?

This is an absolute word. Needed this.

Thanks for sharing your story. I really appreciate it and it helps to know that other people have gone through the same thing. It's a reminder to me that most people have probably gone through something difficult in their lives and I should be more aware. Thanks for being brave enough to share, I'm sure it's helping a lot of people!!!