I would daydream in my bed for hours every single night before falling asleep as a kid/ teen/ young adult so this makes a lot of sense. It was an escape for sure but it’s interesting to hear it was tied to parental neglect.
I think limerence is mostly genetic. I know someone with great parents who struggles but he was rejected by his peers growing up , so that may play a part.
I too became limerant recently. I had been married for almost 7 years and now I recently developed an infatuation on a person. The reason I did was she was nice to me at the first place when everyone else in the workplace was mean to me. I had long history of interpersonal issues. I was excluded from multiple social circle. Now it is all makes sense. I need to break this habit. I hope I will find some strength 😊
@@anonymousbee Yes, for almost 2 years while we just friends. But by the time we started dating, he realized he was in love with me, too. We were married 4 months later. 😅
You know… I knew a bit about limerence because I’m guilty of building the fantasy bond with my parents without facing reality that they were abusive… but when you hit on it being a coping mechanism for distracting yourself from pain and suffering as a child…. Damn that hit deeeeeeep
Your childhoodtrauma can make you feel unworthy or unloveble. It effects your self image. It can make you think that you are a bad person, that something is wrong with you
wow, this really hit home. Seems for me limerence is closely linked to maladaptive daydreaming. When I obsess over someone and ignore all the red flags and make up my perfect relationship - only to be crushed when faced with reality. And this usually happens sooner or later.
I never ever understood why I felt the need to chase after people. The feeling is always the same. It's powerful and I daydream about them and obsess. But as I've gotten older , I've realized it wouldn't matter who the person is because it's not about them. Its about me and my obsessive need to feel attractive , loved , and needed. I want to get married and be able to have a long term relationship with someone. But I need to work on myself and figure out why I became this way. so I can actually devote myself to someone without second guessing our relationship because Ive become infatuated with someone and think I have feelings for someone else when it's just limerence. It feels good to finally put the dots together so I can actually work on myself to change. I feel like I'm always chasing this lust feeling and it's a terrible thing because it's fake .
I relate to this on many levels. I too have this need to feel like I’m attractive, desired. I want that feeling of reciprocation that they do see me that way. But I know it’s not true love. I still don’t know the cause of this so I’m still quite lost with what to do.
The only thing that ever seems to work consistently for me is being safely alone and isolated. All other symptoms become unmanageable when I add people.
I hear you. I'm now in recovery coz went from obssession I tried to heal at all costs to emotional/sexual anorexia out of fear I might repeat my patterns with someone new
I grew up on Disney and was _fascinated_ by the dream of a Prince who would save me. I had no true emotional support or connection with my parents. I don't think they knew how to truly be parents, or how to handle my big emotions and high EQ. I used to daydream as a child to escape, and when I was older, I'd daydream and make up story narratives for guys I had a crush on, as of what I thought was real. 🤦🏻♀️ I didn't know how to truly see someone because who they were was who I built them up as in my head. Same with my family. I had to go NC with my family to practice radical acceptance regarding my family and who they truly are: humans, instead of who I needed/wanted them to be. ❤
I did the male version of this and used to think it was just me. My parents were emotionally vacant, so there was no hugging, cuddling or bonding. This put me into limerence mode very quickly. Hope you have been able to work your way through it. I'm not there yet but understanding it now i think is a huge step.
Think of it in this way. So you are a glass and you parents are a jug of water. If your parents don't give you enough water (love, affaction, confidents and care) you glass will be empty and thats the reason you feel empty. You search for water (love) so if somebody gives you a bit of water you can because obsessed because you seek love (you are thirsty because you glass is empty) Don't forget that you can give yourself the love you missed. You will because less dependent on others or obsessive. Full your own glass❤
@@windermere2330what happend to you is not your fault. If you realise that you can start to heal. Give yourself the love you seek from others and be the parent you always needed by taking responsebility of yourself. Say to yourself I deserve to (for example) eat something healthy because I love my body. Self love = best love❤❤
I've also heard this described as an addiction to the dopamine a person can give you. I never knew there was a word for this. I thought I was just desperate and delusional...
You are not desesperate or delusional, it’s in its strange way a healthy coping mechanism to survive difficult times, the thing is as adults one has to find adaptative better ways to cope with pain. Good luck, 🍀, you got this💕
I feel like that's what my problem is. I'm more addicted to the feeling I get from that person makes me feel hence why I had so many problems cheating in my relationships. It's not because I didn't love them, but because I'm an addict with no self control and that includes the drug of lust and attraction. That shit runs deep. I think this is why incels have so much pain and mental issues as well
Oh. My. Gosh!! This is what I would call my obsession with my then friend, now husband. And other men I had “crushes” on in the past. There was no in-between. I was either not interested at all, or limerence set in as soon as I decided that I liked him. It became an all-encompassing, non-stop intrusive thought pattern. For me, it’s definitely a result of childhood neglect and/or BPD. I’m in therapy and slowly shedding light on all the dark corners. It feels like there’s always a new “aha” moment that helps put together the puzzle of why I am the way that I am.
oof. This video was a gut punch for me. I am 99% certain that I suffer from limerence. I believe it is one of the main reasons that I have been unable to form a single romantic relationship in my 22 years of life. Ever since I was a young girl I would fall deeply in love with a teacher. My parents brushed it off as a girl having normal crush but this was only the beginning for me. By time I was in 5th grade it had become a deep secret for me that I did not want anybody to know about. I felt an immense amount of shame all the while kept having an intense infatuation with whatever teacher I had that year. Every school year it would be a new teacher. It continued into middle school and only intensified when I got to high school. It was still a big secret for me because I kept being in love with whatever adult was in my life at the time and could not like people my own age. It was INTENSE. Serious intense. My whole mood depended on if they interacted with me or how they did. I would spend 98% of my time thinking and daydreaming about them. I would change myself into them so they would take interest in me more. By the time I reached college I was fearful this obsession would continue to the point that I decided online classes was best so I would not "fall in love" with my professor. I had no control if I became infatuated or not. I started therapy to solve this but then it began with my therapist. This was HUMILIATING and DEVASTATING for me. I told her what I was experiencing and that I understand a relationship cannot happen but that I am also unable to control my feelings. That I want it to end so I can continue living life like everybody else. She was very nice about it but I do not think she understood the extent of this. The pattern and hell this has brought upon my life. I stopped seeing her cause she ultimately brushed it off as "it's okay to like older people." WHICH was not easy for me to do because my heart, brain, and body was telling me that I was in love with her. I had to grieve her like it was a breakup WHICH IS SO EMBARRASSING TO ADMIT cause it was so one sided. I am doing it again with somebody else which is really upsetting. Not a teacher or a therapist. Thank god. Still somebody that I cannot have and is older though. I can't help but daydream about him. I listen to songs and can't help but picture him. I cannot fall asleep without thinking of him. I am addicted to the thought of him. I know it is one sided. I know I am not truly in love. I wish it would all end. I just want to hold hands with somebody for the first time and have all my firsts with somebody I can have.
Omg thank you so much for sharing this. I related to everything you said. From the never being in a relationship to teachers, therapists and having to move online for college. Like you said it feels shameful and embarrassing to admit but it’s out of our control. I hope we can both work through this and live our life more peacefully.
I really related to this. I had a few teachers and friends moms I did this with. A couple of older men and women. And just like you it all started back up again hardcore when I started seeing my therapist when all my trauma came to the surface. It causes so much shame to crave her emotional validation and support. It feels like a constant roller coaster of craving, obsessing, maladaptive day dreaming. And then I get in session and the reality of getting just one hour hits. When the hour is over I’m once again reminded that her care is limited and temporary. I would rather experience the relationship for what it actually is than feel this pain from this bind of needing and craving more affection than I’m allowed. It literally feels like my childhood all over again and I don’t know how to get through it without leaving because it really feels like the only option that will end the suffering.
I grew up in a violent household, never knowing when the next fight would start, I knew it messed me up in many ways but I’m now finding out that it’s also the cause of all these inappropriate intense crushes I’ve had over the years. Trying to take my mind anywhere but there.
Limerence...one of the many mental health words I never knew existed, or was even a thing, until I saw the video. While the internet can be a detrimental place sometimes, good things do come out of its existence; like, finding out that this thing you've experienced for decades is called limerence! I've been married for a long time and I still deal with this. The root causes are things I also deal with. It shows me that this mental health journey is long, lonely, and full of learning experiences that rattle me to the core. Great video and thank you for enlightening us.
Struggled with this my whole life. Sought a Christian counsellor recently, and this was the advise I got: I’m trying to find my missing pieces in my “crush”. The missing pieces are what I admire in my crush (eg sense of authority, highly intelligent, charisma/well liked, etc). These missing pieces can also be considered as my weaknesses or what’s causing my lower self esteem. And that the missing pieces I’m trying to find, can actually be found in Jesus Christ (our savior). He alone compensates all my weaknesses. He’s the one I’m looking for. He created me, and my crush. And I have to spend more time reading the scriptures (to know who He is, that I can trust that He knows best and what He’s doing in my life and situations..) and praying .
I managed to beat Limerance. I called it Love. You don't need love back for love sent. Your want for this person is selfish, if you loved them you would want them to have a healthy love. It wasn't easy, and takes a lot of introspection and a good read about anxious attachment style and a look at your past.
This is such an important one as this can lead to people desiring unavailable people like married people and even worse those who are otherwise attached but have deception traits so they bait those who like them. This can be so damaging on so many layers.
I've been limerent with various LOs throughout my life. What's helped most is becoming more self-reliant in meeting my emotional and fulfillment needs - journalling especially - and otherwise, diversifying the means by which I get those needs met ie through friends or meeting new people. I don't have such a need to daydream or project my ideals on to some imaginary version of a relationship when the needs that strategy would meet, are already fulfilled to some degree. Beyond that, it was breaking down my attachment trauma, and identifying what actually "attracted" me to the LO of the day - the traits, behaviours and qualities that they exemplified - and finding ways to integrate or embody those more in my own life. And the final part is just, recognising and acknowledging when I'm attracted to someone, and being clear and direct with my intentions - ie asking them on a date sooner than later, instead of playing the "friend" and hoping/expecting things to somehow just develop romantically from there. Obviously way more to it than that, but it's the general framework of what's helped me at least mitigate my limerent tendencies.
I've done this for most of my adult life. I don't remember if I did this as a teen. The current relationship I'm in is a result of limerence. I think I obsessed to the point of forcing myself into his life....being useful, pretending that we had common interests, ignoring red flags. It upended my entire life in so many ways and now, 5 yrs later, I'm in an unhappy relationship with a narcissist and I find myself back in limerence with other people I see at work. It's because I'm not happy at home or at work, and at first I thought it was just a harmless distraction. Then one of those objects of my limerence has started to take notice and flirt a bit. There are definitely red flags that I find myself justifying. I'm 46, I can't upend my life all over again. At least now, thanks to these videos, I can identify what it is and try to stop it before I get into trouble
You absolutely can upend your life again and should! You are only 46 years young, and hopefully have about 54+ years ahead of you. We are like caterpillars in a cocoon, with layers to be shed. There is no limit to how many times we can shed these layers, develop wings and fly onwards into a brighter future 🦋 I am rooting for you and hope you fly on.
This couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. As someone who has been the object of limerence, this has been incredibly helpful for me to understand the processes that lead to the actions of the person I've been involved with. At first, everything went at such a fast pace and I was love-bombed, put on a pedestal and made to feel incredibly special. In some ways, I was aware that this could be problematic and brought up how things were going too fast, but having an anxious attachment style, I secretly revelled in the feeling of being needed. Then over a very short period, it all stopped and I felt such a deep sense of rejection which I initially internalised, thinking that I was at fault for not meeting the required standards expected of me, whereas in fact it was them coming to realise that I wasn't this unrealistic 'perfect' version of me they were projecting on to me. I would love to see a video on how to process being on the receiving end of limerence, especially when the feelings are truly reciprocated (as in, I had strong feelings for them which persisted beyond early stage relationship infatuation and not a product of limerence). I have romantic feelings for the person who saw me as their object of limerence but it's no longer reciprocated as they have withdrawn into themselves,. It's been a huge shock to the system!
as I went through this, painfully, over the past year or so, I can state to that feeling... that limerence often is also reciprocated - as in the LO feels the very same way, or has feelings for the person suffering from limerence, too. It all comes down to communicating properly I would suppose... reassurance, empathy. Thanks for sharing your story.
I can see multiple times in my life where I fell victim to limerance. In fact, it caused me to act in really inappropriate ways towards a committee in the industry that I still work in that the people there won't even talk to me anymore, let alone engage with me on a professional level, limiting my business opportunities. And they go out of their way to badmouth me to others. This all retriggers my anxiety around the situation and makes me spiral and doubt myself and my experiences. However, this video helped me see the situation for what it was and set me straight again. Thank you. I just wish more people were compassionate and understanding about this.
I sought help for limerence with many therapists and they were extremely cruel about it. Rolling eyes, telling me to let it go. I was there for help! And deeply suffering and had deep childhood trauma. It’s odd that it took so long for the field to catch up.
I have 13 yrs of Limerance with someone. We've been playing a cat & mouse game and i just made the connection that we are both replaying our childhood traumas with our avoidant anxious attachment.
Glad to finally have a label for it. I haven’t dated in 10 years bc I immediately act like a lunatic and get obsessed. Finally decided to try again and matched a cute girl on a dating app. She messaged me “hello” about an hour ago and I’m already feeling like my world is falling apart around me while dwelling on her. Which lead me to google and this video. With a label for it I can at least try to learn more about it and discuss with my therapist, so many thanks 🙏🏻
My experience with limerence is a weird one. I think I had emotionally neglectful parents.. but its been hard for me to come to terms with because they "SEEMED" like amazing parents.. but they were really controlling and I think my mom had some emotional incest tendencies. I have considered myself to have an avoidant attachment style, and one thing I have always done is become OBSESSED with the idea of someone. Its all I think about, daydream about etc... but the second they show interest I want nothing to do with them. I would try to maybe go on a date or something with them, but would get the ick really easy and back off. My friends would always find this behavior strange considering I was so obsessed... but I couldn't help it. I love the feeling of limerence, but i hated the after effects of it... because I so badly wanted to feel that same type of love with someone but it never happened. I finally experienced this with my now husband... went on a date, wanted to break it off... and my friend FORCED me to date him more before calling it quits like I always did... now were married. (i also have ocd... so thats interesting.)
Did you develope attraction to your now husband after sticking with dating for a while?... Did you get past the ick feeling or do you still struggle with it?
@@000echo000 No, I got over it. I think it's sort of a defense mechanism... But as you ACTUALLY fall in love with someone... those things don't bother you anymore. Those small imperfections dont exist when you are in a strong state of limerence... those people in your daydreams are PERFECT... One thing I had to come to terms with is, no one will be perfect. I had to get over myself... and push myself through some of those feelings.
I’m 53 and just found out who I am today. This is ME!! Now I understand what happens to me. It almost makes me sick, but I feel some crazy type of relief as well. 😢😢😢 HAPPY TEARS thank you for sharing this topic. 🦋🦋🦋
Really good timing for me seeing this video. I was limerent with a woman i worked with in the late 90's when i was in my mid twenties. She was beautiful and everyone liked her but i could barely speak to her. I ended up passing her notes in which i told her about my problems and of never having had a relationship. She was always nice to me, i've only spoken to her once since then after my father died and i felt the need to tell her how i felt about her. She kindly listened and dealt with me sensitively to try not to hurt me. I never could really forget her. It was my birthday at the beginning of April and she sent me a personal message asking how i was and if i was doing anything special to celebrate. A few days after we exchanged the brief messages the feelings came back stronger again. I still haven't been able to have a relationship and have had issues with limerence since too but at least i know what it's called now and can hopefully do something about it.
I don't think most of todays therapist are educated, experienced, or effective in their patient's problems with this unhappy state of being. You are an exception Kati. It's sad to realize that this problem has been dulling millions of lives for generations and now just given a name in the 70s.
You are my favorite and most helpful RU-vid mental health educator. Sending virtual hugs and an enormous thank you for the work you do to share important information on living a healthier life. You’re a true Gem. 💎
Helpful to hear about maladaptive daydreaming. I used to so this all the time as a kid. I have trained as an attachment psychotherapist but not come across this before. I knew about attachment disorder but this makes it become much clearer in my own relationship difficulties and borderline issues. Thanks for making it concise and coherent.
Super helpful summation, thank you 🙏 I would only add that a key condition for limerence is uncertainty as to how the object feels about you - ideal conditions for limerence to flourish is if they give you *just enough* attention to make you think they might possibly be into you too, but not enough for you to be sure. So, directly asking for clarification about whether the object is actually interested in you is a way to get yourself out the other side. I got limerent AF for a colleague when I was going through my divorce and this advice helped me get past it.
Your theory here is SPOT ON. Limerence is an autistic trait in the extreme but all neurodivergent types experience it as none of our parents (all humans are flawed!) are perfect. I experience this and attached it to my ex-wife of nearly 20 years as well. I hope you are recovering as well. You are worthy. I was a people pleaser as well for years. Therapy started my healing. Best to you. ❤
Another (related) concept is parasocial relationships: a one way relationship we have with someone we know who is a celebrity or social media who does not likewise have the same relationship we have with them. For example, Taylor Swift has many "Swifties" who have a parasocial relationship with her that she doesn't have with them.
I relate to this so much. When I like a celebrity, I feel that I need to know EVERYTHING about them. I would especially do this with small RU-vidrs back in the day. As I’ve gotten older, I have gained more respect for people’s boundaries and not being creepy and stalkerish. I just felt that limerence and wanted to imagine that I knew them I guess.
The blueprint our parents gave us for relationships. Damn!!! That's some true ish. I have always chased my mother for love, attention and acceptance but I was always rejected. So, in my mind I made her something she wasn't in real life, a good, supportive, loving, caring and nurturing mother. I repeat this pattern in other ways as well. Trying to avoid the rejection that has happened anyway.
This makes so much sense. I often had to work for my mother's attention. Her affection was always conditional upon me fulfilling certain tasks first. It was never just given freely. Every romantic relationship I have had as an adult has been the same blueprint and the same outcome. Maybe the problem is I have been seeking love and acceptance from sources outside myself while not loving who I am in the first place.
Omg my 20’s pining over a boy who really didn’t want to be in a relationship took a looong time to get over this issue. I think I’m over this now. But damn what a wound.
I feel like I have limerence, but I've also noticed I am learning to work past it, and I feel like I'm going the right way . This video was very helpful 👏 thank you.
This just couldn't be more on time for me. I'm so happy i didn't skip this video! I used to have anxious attachment behaviour in every relationship, but i learnt how to deal with that. I even managed to keep a fwb relationship feeling comfortable. But now that I'm growing feelings for that person, i suddenly feel anxious about him and i keep thinking that he doesn't like me the way i like him. I hyperfocus on analyzing his behaviour and trying to see any hints that he does or doesn't like me. Somehow i thought this was the burden of me being in love. But now i see it's just me falling into the same pattern of limerence, since i was neglected and abused as a child and my parents generously gave me complex ptsd. I'm so happy i saw this video and this is what I'll focus on now on therapy. I'm eternally grateful, Kati!
I feel the same way, it's like the youtube algorithm is trying to be nice to me!😊😂 The FWB I can't relate to as we haven't really got that far, but I swear I feel like there have been clear-ish signs from her, but knowing now that I have limerance for her, I'm worried if those are even real, or just fabricated. Her sending a 🍆 emoji at 10 at night, then playing it off the next day that her friend's did it for some reason when they were drunk, doesn't really help when I already struggle with looking to deep into things😂 I feel like the most oblivious person when it comes to flirting, but I'm just way to scared and insecure to ask about it or make small moves.
The lesson for me after my last experience was : don't engage with anyone. In the garden of life, I'm the weed. I can be a pretty good ween on a vase, isolated from the world, but I cannot be put on the garden, ever again. Your tips are good for those who are fixable and have good character, which is not my case. I just hope my time is not long, because being this broken hurts.
I understand,for I have felt like what comes close to me gets messed up and I also understood that it doesn't have to continue being that way, so I started cultivating and healing the soil, then I discovered that one of the most beautiful things in those gardens is that the other flowers love me as I am, that I belong and can help those who are not perfect and yet share the good things in them, it is very beautiful to know that there are many that have nothing and yet share it all, your honesty and care ,trying not to hurt others , show compassion and love, we need more of that, I believe and hope you will find the real beauty inside of you and let it shine, we need you 😊
You are allowed to feel this way and you are not alone. You are also allowed to feel happy, if and when you can. Your emotions, your memories, your will, your desires are all as real as anything else. I strongly believe that we can be seen as a living being or, in another very cold way, based on roles and standards. These are very distinct way of looking at someone. We have the capacity to empathize and it's the... weird one. For me, it's more like art... it does not necessarily serve a purpose, it's not "normal", it's something that is always there and for everyone, but it's not implicit. It's something you allow to manifest, that you develop, that you cherish, many times with painful consequences and going against the current. You have to have felt pain in order to see it in others. Empathy is not "normal", it's just that most of us have it and it manifest in certain ways. It's more like art, from my opinion. The ones giving you feedback are just other people, just like you, that manifest fundamentally just as you. Maybe being in pain is ok too. I'm not saying it feels good, I'm just saying that it's ok. You're a person that manifests this way and maybe you can see the pain in others and make them feel better. Why not? I am telling you this because you are like music, for instance. We all are. Anyone can tell you music doesn't matter and yes... it really doesn't in a certain context. But for those who like music, like sounds, have our favorite precious songs, how can we unlike music? :) So you are allowed to be this wonderful "song". You are not broken, not because you aren't, but because everyone is. Having a good character is relative. You are allowed to be what you want to be from now one. The ones that will invalidate you are the ones who are losing a lot, they don't form strong connections, don't form memories, thinking of empty hierarchies that make them feel safe, instead. A person that tells others: "You are not good enough! You must be this way and not the other way and you are not good enough at this or that and I'm telling you this, because I have all the answers!"... how does this person feel like? Probably really miserable. This person doesn't listen to music, because music has to be irrelevant. People that consider music irrelevant are hard to convince other wise. Does this alter your experience when you enjoy listening to music? You are always allowed to cherish your own experience, how your body feels, again, your emotions, your sensations, everything that is you at your core, even if it fluctuates and your anxiety is sooo intense. It's ok. Who's to say it is not? Just through the message you wrote, and writing these things to you is also healing me and we're just strangers texting. We are partly, amongst other things, RU-vid commentators and it's nice :) You say you don't have a good character. But I'm getting your kindness right now and that's going to be a part of myself, as well :) Thank you for offering me your kindness. You could have wrote something else, but you wrote this. I feel good being me right now, and I feel good about you being you. And I hope it's going to be better, your environment and how you feel. There's always this possibility, right, even if we see it as being unlikely?
It's a strange thing that this has become such a discussion topic within the last few months. I've seen quite a few videos about it and I was curious because it was something that I've never heard of before that's seemingly been around for awhile that's being discussed now. It describes that slippery slope into obsession. As Plato said: "Love is a form of madness".
I just found out about limerance and started my research, and I've genuinely never felt that anything described my experience as well as this term does. I also had no idea there were so many other people experiencing it. It feels less lonely to know I'm not the only one struggling with relationships so much in this way
I'd never heard of Limerence until watching this video and now i realise i meet all the criteria for it. It's been a nightmare i've been dealing with all my life. Some of my first memories as a child were daydreaming about the perfect girl at school who would save me from the pain of parental neglect if only we could be together.
I definitely had this problem when I was younger. I would “fall madly in love” with real life people or celebrities. I am happily married now, but I still have to consciously remember that intense feelings of lust for strangers or celebrities isn’t real. At least now I’m able to keep it in check, but it was really depressing as a child/teen/young adult.
I never heard of this, but it makes so much sense. This sounds so much like me. My whole life. But these relationships never really actually played out. It was all fantasy and wishful thinking. When I was younger it was more of a motherly relationship (teachers, coaches, anyone who could fill the gap of my parents). In fact I even still remark about my "moms". And I always knew full well that these relationships could and would never happen. That it was not love it was all fantasy. And now it's my therapist. And it's like I can't even choose to not feel this way. I logicize it all out, know it's not real. And still, slightest smile and I feel like OMG maybe they do love me!! And the overwhelming fear of losing them. Of them leaving. I used to say all the time please don't give up on me, please don't leave me.
Thank You Kati! You have helped so much with your videos. Holy Spirit led me to you when I was looking for more answers. I'm greatful that you are here helping us broken People. May God Bless You!
Your videos have always been a valuable asset, but this one knocked it out of the park Kati. I basically hand wrote the whole video b/c each line was a "wow" insight for me. Now I'm going to sit with it and process it. You rock!
holy shit, i never knew what this was. this brings it down to the point. my only point missing: why is no one ever responding to anything? i feel so overwhelmed by the constant ignoring of others...
This is one of my favorite topics! I learned about limerence a while back, when Patrick Teahan did a video on the subject, and suddenly I understood so many things about myself. I've been limerent a lot in my past, and I've also been the object of limerence.
It is great to finally put a name into what I've been feeling most of my adult life. Always ending a relationship means to me dying a little and even stop being a functioning human being which has cost me jobs and other things. I have a support group and the 12 Steps to help me out too, thank God. Cheers.
Thank you for taking on this topic Kati ❤ its affected me my whole life. Now i often feel just adrift and alone in my private world of thoughts and imaginary scenarios.
Limerence often shows up later in life as part of MLC, midlife crisis. It can destroy families if the one going through limerence is married. As in my case, I was married 22 years. Many of the causes are there, childhood trauma, OCD, fear of rejection and if you learn about Limerence you know you cant stop it. I watched as he began his obsession and I nor our marriage meant nothing to him. His relationship is rocky with his LO, she is controlling, manipulative and is using him for his money. It hurts my heart to see him in this situation.
When it hits it horrible, you feel out of control as thoughts are constantly intrusive. You then feel horrible because you begin to feel like a stalker. Then you over compensate with trying to make them feel secure. Its crippling. Once it passed it and it took years to pass we were able to be friends. Then, the friendship ended. I only sometimes think of her now. There is no contact, that used to bother me, it saddens me now…. Managed to go from limerence to good friends+ to no contact. I know I’m no longer limerent .
This is why I consciously chose to stay single and just work on my self-love forever. I cannot be involving people into my life because they don't deserve my mental unhealthiness.
Very interesting. I never heard of limerence until this video, but I think I had it. We just moved into a new town, and I think this made me vulnerable to feeling that way. I remember watching one of my favorite old/classic tv shows, and I saw this actress in the tv show in totally new way. Even though she had been dead for years and watched this show for many of years, I had this desire to look up information about her, and soon I knew her entire biography. I wanted to watch every tv show or film she had ever been in; and I even pretended that we were in a relationship. I was never physically or emotionally abused and my parents are extremely loving people. In part, I really think moving to a new city at that time in my life made me vulnerable to those feelings. I'm happy to report that I am married and have two children now. You really made me think...
You’re the first professional I’ve heard say the cause could be undiagnosed OCD. I believe I have undiagnosed OCD, and one of my common themes is relationships, and it seems to go hand and hand with limerence. When I enter a relationship and my ROCD gets going, I often have very intense limerence. Deep down I think I dream of being with someone where the OCD doesn’t occur, and I’m convinced things would be different, but I know it wouldn’t. Thank you for talking about this!
Thus was really helpfull, I can see how through different therapy like cbt and mindful awareness I ve been able to cope better with self and now i can identify better, knowing me better and the root causes of my character is a good start and this information I know is really going to help me! Thank you so much!!
Thank you and people in the comments. Makes me feel not so unhappy and disturbed that I've struggled with trying not to obsess over an unavailable person.
When I first heard the word, I thought it sounded like a little village on the River Shannon. Then I found out Limerence isn't such a peaceful or happy place. (And, yes, I've lived in that village.)
Putting the experience of limerance aside for a second, it has so much in common with OCD, that OCD treatments are effective. 'Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts' by Winston & Seif is a truly excellent book that's invaluable in dealing with limerance. There are also some supplements that are showing some promise in research. As far as the experience side goes, and this does vary depending on what mental health conditions someone has, it's so overwhelmingly powerful, so wonderful, that it's very hard to turn away from in the initial stages after the glimmer. Actual love, the honeymoon phase of a relationship, sex, and powerful narcotics pale in comparison.
Limerence is not always necessary in the beginning of the relationship but it's 1 of the 3 stages of relationship according to Gottman. @kati Morton Limerence is not necessarily a maladaptive relational response..... It's just another term describing the chemical chemistry around honeymoon phase.
Limerance can show in various areas of your life where you feel it’s more difficult to act than postpone and dream. If you browse fitness magazines slouching on the couch, if you think your life would be perfect if you had that jacket, that house, etc, it’s a way of not dealing with reality, because reality seems scary. Our nervous system heal in slow progress, so whatever you feel you need RIGHT NOW (even the healing itself) is where you actually need to slow down. The advice to first of all, take care of the core basic needs, like your nutrition, hygiene, in a slow steady pace, allocate time for these things, because they DO take a lot of time is perfect. For the fitness or desire of weight loss for example is better and more real, to eat while not thinking of dieting, than just eating chocolate numbing yourself with fitness images. In that case, take it slow, abolish one thing, just one from your pantry, like chips for example. In relation to romantic limerance the same applies. Give yourself what you wish or dream the other person would give you. Take care of yourself first. Write love letters to yourself. Acknowledge your reality in small steps. Understand that that shiny person wouldn’t change how you feel about yourself. Only you can change that. In small, tiny, steps. Be gracious with yourself. Be kind, take your time.
This is what I was used to do over and over again since I was literally 8 years old. I would all of a sudden catch intense "feelings" for someone (that would last YEARS) and watch them from afar, making up scenarios in my head but never even thinking of actually talking to them. If it wasn't my current crush, you could say it was celebrities (kpop stanning culture didn't help there). Thank god I met the most amazing and affectionate bf ever who was key to getting out of that (but I was already 19/20yo by that time)
My experience with therapy is that my action plan for CBT plus the inner child work was critical and allowed me to come to these same conclusions* and the road to complete recovery started years ago. Additionally, humans CANNOT decide to choose which emotions to address. We must turn inward before attempting to start new relationships! Self affirming actions like self-love and saying “I am a good person who tries to help others” and “I am generous with my time and a kind person.” Best to you in your continued healing, Katie. ✌️ *I discovered BPD isn’t real. AMA
When you started talking about childhood emotional trauma is when I got confused about my situation because I spent that childhood and went through that trauma with the person, I’m experiencing Limerence with shes my best friend she had kids recently with her boyfriend and ever since I don’t hear from her half as much as I used to we’ve known each other since we were 13 years old, I’m 21 now my heart is broken
TY 4 this. I have experienced this twice now and I'm married with an adult son. I just turned 45. I used to think it was a survival mechanism in traumatic circumstances.
As someone who has lived experience w limerence…it’s honestly hellish. It can cause really really bad emotional lows as well as really really intense emotional highs (I also have BPD & OCD). So yeah- the intrusive thought and involuntary obsession parts are not fun. It does feel good tho too. It is an addiction, like u said!
I told my counselor that I suddenly thought i may be OCD because of my uncontrollable thoughts... And the childhood trauma.... And the BPD.... OH LORD.... no wonder I am so broken over this man.... I've been trying to break it for months... and I work with them so I'm trying to not do anything.... but I'm stupidly head over heels for him.... thank you for this video....
It’s been 25 years. Why am I still in limerence?! Anyone else? I thought he was my 1st love but I was only 14 so I wasn’t allowed to have a bf. He tried to come back 18 months later but ultimately he decided to go back to his gf. Then 2 years later he said he still loved me but I moved overseas and he still has the same gf. 2 years after that he was married to a different woman. 3 years later he has a baby and tells me he regrets not being with me. 3 years after that we’re both married to different people and still in that stupid fantasy so I went to therapy and committed to no contact for life. Is anyone else this messed up?!!
The only thing I would add is communicate, talk about your thoughts, feelings, try to help the other person understand what you are thinking or your perspective or mindset and ask questions about their thoughts feelings perspective or mindset so you have a mutual understanding and by doing this, needs are being met, no room for negative thoughts or misunderstandings.
Thank you SO MUCH for this video. I've been to countless therapists trying to find out the reason because it's consumed everything I've done up to this point and it's been so uncontrollable. No one has ever gave me an answer and it's made me feel so isolated and wrong. I can't tell you how much weight is now off my shoulders now knowing that there is a name for it. I want to learn more because it's something I've been wanting to manage for so long
I always thought limerence was a good thing, and then I realized that being a mixed secure / anxious attachment style when things went well at the beginning I was the best, the second there was some wiggle, I lost it.
I was a limerent child and teenager. It was definitely a way to cope with pain- feeling unimportant, like I was bad, and dealing with rejected bids for connection from my mom. However, the object of my affection never knew about it. I was terrified they'd hate me if they knew and I was absolutely embarrassed by my swooning feelings. It played into my early relationships too because I'd pick people who were long distance- it would give me room to be limerent and feel the love and good feelings that I came to rely on in fantasy land. While I don't feel limerance much anymore I do still cycle through unavailablity in myself or picking others who are unavailable. Maybe one day I'll be able to heal this :)
Haha, yup. Reasons 1-3!! I don't usually feel very attached to people I care about, that is until I'm suddenly smacked with infatuation and intense longing for a person. Feel bad for my college roommate having to deal with that from me while still trying to be a friend. Now I just sort of coast and let things come and go without letting it take over
I appreciate the video. I wish I had understood more of what was going on in my life for the past 20 or 30 years sooner. The underground emotional currents directing my life without my understanding has been devastating. On the one hand it's nice the light bulb has finally turned on but it's sad that it's mostly too late. :( I feel robbed.
Day dreamer....trying to stop it when it happens but it's super hard! It drives my emotions. 😢 I also act and say things she does as a feeling of connection to her, and she is gone. I use her phrases, listen to her music and associate almost everything in my world to her liking, not liking something. I'm not in a good place.
Just had to add limerence also can be with someone who likes you back but you cannot be with them due to them not being the actual person you imagine them to be, and you being unhealed etc.
Thank you so much for saying this, truly, you just described my ex to a tee. She had limerence towards me and I was the limerent object who loved her. And even though she convinced me that she wanted to marry me and was my soulmate--which I also believed--she told me I didn't meet the expectations she had of me, that I wasn't giving her enough, and that I turned out to be a disappointment, when in reality I gave her more than she'd ever received prior and more than I've ever given anybody else. She typically tried to keep her expectations low because when things didn't go the way that she imagined it would really bother her a lot (she suffered from anxiety and OCD), but I guess with me it was different.
Oh wow. There’s a name for it, and I did that a lot as a teenager, and even as an adult a few times. I’ve come to the point where I snap out of it and realize I’m living too much in a fantasy world and have to remind myself of what’s real.
i don't really know that i was emotionally neglected though. i just made myself unavailable and thus never really felt loved by especially my mother after about age 13 or so. my parents were all in all quite good to me, and never really abused me or anything, which is why i generally feel quite alright living with them still at age 25. i did always feel they were immature in many ways, and conflict resolution usually consisted of childish finger pointing, or just not saying anything. the not saying anything part was probably what unintentionally fucked me up completely over time. no one ever asks how i'm doing, despite them knowing i'm just depressed as hell. i can't seem to remember ever not feeling that way though. i've always been an extremely moody person, and remember crying to my mom one time because i "didn't even want to go on holiday, i don't like anything, nothing makes me happy" when i was not even 10 i think. so in my case i'd say the reason i get so obsessed with people is because i'm just inexperienced and don't know how to start a relationship. i'm in my head all the time, and i like it in there a lot more than out in the real world. that's the gist of it i think. it's a certain combination of being immature when it comes to practical day to day reality, and overly mature when it comes to abstract psychological things. so instead of putting all i know into practice, i just keep turning it over and over in my mind without ever acting on those thoughts. and because my parents never truly interfere with anything i do, and do everything for me apart from wiping my ass when i go to the toilet, this way of being has become solidified, and i don't know any alternatives. they also both don't have any real friends, and just sit inside all the time, and so i've never had any real experiences to learn from, and i can't create them for myself either. they've "emotionally neglected/abused" me by treating me like a child and doing everything for me, and just constantly enabling that state of perpetual, toxic comfort. they never ask me to help around the house, never give me any responsibility, leave me to sit in my room doing whatever i want until literally 7 AM sometimes. but then when it becomes painfully clear how immature and inexperienced i am for my age when it comes to many things, they get frustrated, and can't seem to understand that this is just the way they have allowed me to become without offering any real alternatives. it's also seemingly impossible to bring this up, because they've never done me any harm and so complaining about how they raised me can't be done without them getting confused or angry. it's precisely because they were so meek, weak-willed, soft and coddling that i'm hopeless in the real world. sometimes i wish they were actually abusive or just kicked me out of the house, so then i'd finally have a real push to do something about my incompetence, but on the other hand i feel like that would probably end up in me killing myself because i wouldn't have anywhere to go and fail miserably in every way, and exacerbate my depression to unbearable levels. i'm just stuck basically, learned helplessness is probably the best term to describe it. everyone has always treated me like a helpless child because i am scatterbrained and clumsy, and so instead of teaching me how to do things myself they just did them for me, which is why i still feel like an 18 year old at 25. in other areas i've matured far beyond my age already as well though, but that's not something i can base my entire life on, i need practical skills, assertivity, strength, resilience, drive, discipline and mental stability if i'm to ever become a normally functioning member of society. the only girls that have ever been interested in me btw, were all disturbed, mentally ill, or impaired in some way as well, which is why whenever i look at any average girl i think that's not someone i could ever be with. and so my potential dating pool has become very small, and within that pool the people who are willing to date me that i'm wiling to date as well are very small in number. so small, that it seems like i only see a girl i'm "interested" in for every 100 girls on dating apps or so. the interest seems to be in large part manufactured and taught to me over the years though, i don't think i've had much of a say in which women i feel attracted to enough to want to try to get with them. it's in large part based on my own beliefs about the kinds of people i could have a chance of dating. what a bunch of nonsense, i know this entire wall of text is not gonna change even the slightest thing about my situation. i've been typing walls of text for over 6 years, and nothing has changed. whoever says verbalizing your issues makes them solvable is an idiot, you can't solve non verbal problems with verbal reasoning by definition. it just makes me feel like a fraud to type out in detail exactly what's wrong with me and how i should change that, and then just never doing anything i say because i'm just a total idiot with severe executive dysfunction, and i know on a base level all these negative thoughts i have about myself are just mostly true, and based on real past failures and experiences.
