Managing the PITY you feel for the AGING NARCISSIST 

Never pity a narcissist. They’ll weaponise it against you.

I think we need to let go of the idea that we "have to" take care of someone who has consistently abused and harmed us.

As someone who worked for nearly a decade in long term care, let me help you with some of the guilt. We do not have the same history with your family member as you do. We only get to see then as they are when they come to live in the facility. Oftentimes that means you can pass their care to us because we don’t have that hurtful history. If its a good facility with good staff, its our job to take that burden from you. :)

As they age they become more toxic and impossible to handle. We need lots of courage because they blame us for their aging..

A lot of narcissists I’ve known, become more immature as they get older. It’s like miss the glory days of their younger selves that they’re stuck in a perpetual loop of never growing up. While many grow up and become wise, narcissists still think they’re the prize.

I don't wish this on anyone but I find comfort in knowing I'm not alone. ❤

Aging narcissist parents use threats of disinheriting as the final manipulation tactic.

I'm glad my mother became forgetful and slipped up, telling on herself for a decade old lie. I get to be done with her, finally. I do miss her now that I'm no contact sometimes, but thanks to Dr. Ramani I know I'm hurting for a mother that I never had, not really her, and that helps a lot. I owe a lot to Dr. Ramani, so listen folks, buy her new book, It's Not You, you will not regret it!

I think an important dynamic was left out of this video. You are not going to only deal with the parent, but you are walking back into a toxic soup of a family system. Many times no one but YOU have gotten any help to understand and cope with that family system. If that aging parent has resources to care for themselves then by all means let that happen. You may get push back from other siblings who are playing other roles within the system but stand firm. Remember guilt is the "hook" for co-dependency.

I went no contact about 8 years before a flying monkey left a very angry message on my phone, "YOUR MOTHER NEEDS TO GO INTO A HOME NOW!" I realized how much I had healed when my first response to that person was anger instead of guilt. Long story short, my narcissistic mother had dementia, and I worked a deal out with that flying monkey, social services, and an elder care agent (God bless her) so my mother could get the care that she needed still with minimal contact from me. At first, my mother's attitude was horribly nasty and combatative, but as her dementia worsened, she became less the person I had always known. Two days before she died she told me she loved me, something she had not said in almost 60 years. I realize that I was very blessed to have it all end that way.

As my dad ages it’s become more apparent that he believes cruelty is a virtue and love is a weakness. He thinks kind people are suckers and marks.

Aging narcisists are not a pretty sight to see, either way. Dealing with them is draining and painfully unsettling because you can’t trust anything they say or do. Thank you dr Ramani ❤ God bless you❤

Unfortunately my mother became more evil, not silent. Her manipulations are disgusting!She can only hate, lie and blame me for nothing! I am waiting for the end of this insane situation, but grace does not want to come. She can only hate and hurt me. She is an insane bastard!

My mother got more mean to me on her deathbed. I was forced to sit next to her every day..she didn’t talk to me all day(silence treat while next to her) but she did to my sister(the golden child). I was not allowed to touch her, say anything, look on my phone or talk to anybody from the family. If I moved, she gave me the “narc stare”. She knew exactly what she did to me. After our mother died my sister took over the role of my mother, scapegoating me and gives me the silence treat for 4 years, as doing smear campaigns behind my back to our Steph brothers (enablers and flying monkeys). I gave up the family as I’m done being the scapegoat.

I was the caregiver for 10+ years to both of narcissistic parents. I am the only child, so it all fell on me. It was a real mind-f*ck of complex feelings, which was compounded by the rapid deterioration of their physical and mental presence. People think you’d be relieved when they die, and that it won’t be as painful to grieve them, but I grieve the loss of the possibility that things could be any different.

I didn't understand what narcissism was while my narcissistic parent was was alive. I just thought he was a bad tempered, impatient, emotionally distant man, and that I was a constant disappointment to him. Near the end, he became more docile, but I chalked that up to his illness. I did grieve, but not for his loss. I grieved for the love I never got, and never felt. I grieved for the relationship we never had. I felt a lot of shame for not missing my dad, but learning about narcissism has helped me put things in perspective, and I don't feel shame anymore, I just feel sad for the happy life we could have had.

The older they get, the more their grandiose dreams are shattered, and the more paranoid, frustrated and angry they become. Which of course is up to you, the scapegoat, to carry... So glad I am out, after 20 years. But the damage is done, and it is gonna take a long while to heal and work on myself to hopefully never get into a similar situation again...

I was scapegoated by my overt narcissist father and he destroyed my childhood with his emotional and physical abuse. When he aged I consciously stepped back for my own wellbeing. Instead, I let my golden child brother take care of all of his elder care. I felt that my father did not deserve my help after how he had treated me over my lifetime. And I did not cry when my parental narcissist died. 🙂

They aren’t human. Stop wasting human emotions on them. Remember, they use your humanity against you.

I had an narcissistic aunt who was also a holy roller-I didn’t deal with her growing up because we couldn’t stand each other-as she got older I didn’t want her my life so I had her placed in an old folks home-on her dime and walked away-she told me I was selfish and didn’t love her, and I told her she was right; and that she was also a narcissist and I didn’t want the burden of caring for someone like her. I visited her at the facility periodically, and when she died went to her funeral that she had already paid for and didin’t tell anyone that she was related to me-hate me, but no I wasn’t going to get saddled with that sh*t.

My 90 year old narcissist mom passed away recently. I had been her caregiver for the last three years in which she treated me like total garbage. Towards the end I had to detach and treated her in a business-like manner instead of as the loving daughter I tried to be up til that point. She died miserable and angry at me. The emotion that I feel I don't think there is a name for. It's guilt but without the self blame. I feel terrible about how things turned out for my mom, but I know I did everything I could and there is nothing more I could have done that would have made a difference. I tried so hard and she never met me halfway on anything.

My 81yo grandmother (whom I barely know) is about to be committed to a facility due to dementia and lifelong but recently diagnosed schizophrenia. My NM, despite having been alternately abused and ignored her entire life, is stepping up as the seeming Mother Theresa of patience and serving others and forgiving past wrongs. She is handling all the difficulties and logistics with incredible grace and compassion. … Do you want to know why a narcissist would do that? Because she’s using it to set expectations and standards for me. She’s constantly saying, ‘Sure she always treated me terribly, but She’s My Mother, what kind of daughter would I be if I left her in her hour of need?’ It’s painfully obvious that, in connection with her supposed selflessness towards her own abusive mother, I am therefore expected to forgive all her wrongs towards me and go profoundly above and beyond to take care of her in her own old age because She’s My Mother No Matter What. Folks, I think if there is a Covert N trophy, my mother has won it.

I’ve learned to be less reactive . Took me a long time to get here.

I used to work in a nursing home. Some people were sweet and others were quite narcissistic. Guess which ones had the most family involvement, frequent visits, & family communicating well with the staff to ensure their loved one's' wellbeing? And which ones became labelled as "problems" ? We used to try to get the families more involved, thinking these angry, depressed, combative people were just lonely and feeling abandoned by their families. Now I think they were getting the "grey rock" treatment from their victims.

There were years of excruciating pain being the scapegoat in my narcissistic family, but in my parents' twilight years there were some benefits. My narc father became childlike and turned into a sweet and affectionate old man; I still feel grateful to have experienced him in that state. My narc mother lost her ability to speak. Too late she discovered her golden child daughter (my sister) had made plans for her care that she didn't like and then wanted me to step in and stop her! Too little too late...sorry mom. There was nothing I could do to help and I knew it. It was challenging to stand by and watch my sister treat my mother cruelly, but mom had put her eggs in that basket years ago and she had to live with the consequences. My choices to move away and grey rock them benefitted me immensely during that time.

What pity? Am I meant to pity this creature? After it has literally stolen my entire life?

My alcoholic dad now acts like he is father of the year and denies ever being a drunk. My narcissist mother flip flops from being fake caring when she needs something to mean and nasty. They are both in their 80s. I've gone just about no contact with the both of them. I'm 46 and I finally feel like I can see a future for me.

I’m reading all the comments and they are a revelation. I’m not alone with my thoughts and feelings re. my narc. I’m getting physically ill from holding back and not reacting to all the manipulation and almost daily verbal abuse. I can’t eat, can’t sleep and I’m unable to participate in any activities with friends or family. All anyone had to do is say a kind word to me and I burst into tears. I’m so exhausted and wish for an end and I don’t care anymore who goes first. All I want is peace! This is after a lifetime of hard work, love and dedication. The narc is almost 84 and thriving. How can a human thrive while creating all this drama and misery?

My narcissistic sister wanted to send my narcissistic mother to live with me and have me take care of her full-time. I live across the country, work a full-time job, and care for a disabled husband. Meanwhile my sibling does not work and already lives with my mother. Yet I am constantly shamed by my family over this.

Having been surrounded by narcs and toxic people my entire life, I find it hard to have pity for any of them regardless of if they got/get nastier or nicer in their aging years. Nasty or nice, I'm too exhausted to have compassion for people that twisted me into knots just for the fun of it.

My mother was afraid I’m going to “neglect” her in her old age already when I was 15-16. We had lots of fights and she quite often used this narrative as a manipulation tactics. Cried like a baby and said something in the meaning of “when you grow up, you are free to go and never come to see me when I’m old, this is what you want, right?” Once I went no contact with her in my late 30’s, she was suddenly surprised and hurt I did it. Although she had 25 years to do something with her behaviour since she realised I might not condone her shit forever. Just last week we discussed this getting old topic with my sister and we agreed that neither of us is willing to take care of her, and we are going to place her into care home. I’m obliged to pay my share by law but obligations do not include visitations.

I will be eternally grateful that I will NEVER have to deal with the narcissistic people who brought me up as they get older. However, aging narcissists CANNOT keep up their facade.

I have very little to do with my aging narcissistic mother now and I love it!!! As the oldest child and the only one who lives in the same area as her, I have had to do everything regarding her aged care, finances etc. She is quite wealthy and her money is just being gobbled up by the aged care facility she is in....the other siblings don't like this but don't have time to help etc. It was tough a few years ago when the dementia set in and worsened quickly....she was so angry and abusive to me for anything I did to help her. She was losing mobility due to arthritic hips but would not do the simple exercises and walking recommended by doctors and physiotherapists. She was abusive to her carers too which upset me more. Now she is in a hospital-type care facility, cannot walk, can barely speak or feed herself and I rarely visit....no guilt as I tried my best but was always abused. She's in her own private hell and I want no part of it.

Divorced my grand.Narc who became malevolent after 40 years of marriage. So abusive. He remarried 5 weeks after our divorce. Family now report that new wife is realizing her role: caregiver. He is "himself" but "worse" according to them. So sad, but happy for me to be free of him.

I have no more energy to feel any empathy. Like the sone says, I'm slip sliding away. A new life is calling my name.

So timely and spot on. I’m 56 and have been no contact with my mother for 30 years. She passed away three weeks ago at 94 years and eight months. She was in a nursing home for the last year. Her only health issue was reduced mobility. My brothers visited her regularly and updated me. She was oppositional and dramatic to the end, often threatening suicide by not eating. The suicidal threats were a part of her life since before I was born. She was incredibly abusive and domineering toward me for 27 years, and I went no contact to preserve my mental health. This only enraged her, and she stalked and harassed me for years afterwards. The whole scenario thoroughly traumatized me. After her death I felt relief for both of us. She maligned me to the bitter end. Even just seeing pictures of her triggered my fear of this woman. There is one picture though where she looks incredibly frail and harmless. Her eyes are closed and she is just slumped forward in her chair. It pulls at my heart strings. Of course, I know that the appearance is deceptive and potentially damaging. After all these years, I want to find some good in her. I want to find a shred of humanity there. I see how a narc who suddenly calms down and seems benign can renew the gaslighting all over again. But I won’t go down that rabbit hole. I wish her well but I also have to focus on my own continuing recovery. Her circumstances may have changed, but mine haven’t. I am still left to sort the pieces of my life out after suffering through the chaos that she unleashed on everyone.

I struggle with these type of thoughts. Thinking about the future can be very scary. How I deal with it is remembering all the bs they put me through and have done.

I do not pity my aging elderly narcisisstic parents. Anymore. They, are solely responsible for the death of my older sibling -- their child -- and the dismantling of an entire family. I feel deeply sad in a different kind of way.

My life has been ruined for 37 years by a female narcissist. All the comments on these videos mirror my life. I wish I had a support friend from here.

Thank you for this video. One super frustrating aspect of having a narcissistic parent with dementia or Alzheimer’s that I’ve yet to hear anyone address… the standard advice given to caregivers is exactly the wrong advice for victims of narcissistic abuse. “Give into their reality, allow them to keep as much control as possible, etc.” When my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, he took the opportunity to send my sisters and me a RU-vid video from a doctor explaining how we shouldn’t argue with him. He used his diagnosis to try to make sure we wouldn’t push back against his continued abuse.

As someone who has been a caregiver both professionally and for older family, I want to stress that even if the relative isn't narcissistic, it is profoundly stressful, especially when the person has dementia. It is super important, as Dr. Ramani says, to be gentle with yourself. Also, do everything you can to find respite and keep in touch with your social support circle.

one of my female cousins is a narcissist. Always manipulated people because she was beautiful. And more often, with men, it worked. Always taking, never giving or reciprocating. Now she's in her mid 50s, not aging well. It is actually quite amusing when she attempts to flirt with a man, usually younger in their 30s and 40s, and they have a look of mainly disgust on their faces. She has recently said she is done with men, but the fact is they are done with her. You can only get away with this type of behaviour if you are young, once you age out, no one is buying it. But in her eyes men are toxic.

My mother was a horrific covert narcissist. Almost having munchausen. She in a way created the horrors she whined about. I was a truth teller. At 5 I saw my mother stop helping my ill father. She wasn’t taking my father for medical care he most definitely needed. I remember him pushing a rocking chair around the living room. He shuffled in his pajamas, robe and slippers. He was wearing a white collar around his neck. I was told he had arthritis in his neck. At the age of 5 I was well aware that this was a problem in his brain. My father continued to worsen and died of a brain damage. My mother never acknowledged my father again. Her constant need to have a husband she saw my brother as a threat to remarriage. I was the adorable tow head little girl. I was smart and cute and quiet. My brother was troubled. He was physically tall and very lean. His hair was stringy and looked constantly unkept. He was not dealing with my father’s death well and my mother say him as a threat to remarriage. He man may marry a woman with a cute, smart, and compliant child but not my brother. So she neglected him. She was never an advocate for him school. He had learning disabilities and some limited intellectual issues but he was her son and he was my brother. Over the years he became more imbedded with the drug culture of the 70s. One day he was so high on LSD he chased my mother and I around the house with a metal rake. I was terrified. It was the most definitive dissociative moment of my life. He would get high and sell drugs out of the house when my mother was at work. He got no guidance from her. He had sexually abused me as a young girl. He would disappear for days. I started to see the truth. That my mother didn’t want. He was a discard. She had gotten her covert supply of a mother with a drug addicted child but that had run its course. at the age of 12 my mother moved me to another city. She didn’t tell my brother who had gone missing again. He was 14. He was a child. He needed a mother and guidance but that’s not what he got. He was fragile and he turned to the people who accepted him. I was scared by him. He had done terrible things to me. It took me decades for me to reconnect with him. I didn’t have to forgive him. What he did was a result of the abuse he received from my mom. My mother neglected and abused my dogs. Following my father’s death she went back to work and abandoned all duties as a mother for my brother and a mother to me. She would put me in the office supply closet where she worked. I wasn’t allowed to put all the lights on. Just a small dim one. I had a 5x5 black and white television with rabbit ears for company. As long as the volume was kept low. There rules had no meaning though. I was told that the light and the loudness would distract clients. Except the room was far from the clients. I only saw her when she was getting office supplies. At 6, after my father’s death the duty to care for my dogs landed on me. I had a collie and cockapoo. The collie’s fur would get dirty and mat badly which would cause him pain. I snuck the dogs into the house when she wasn’t there to play with them. I loved them. This was in LA and the ground became too sandy and she no longer cared about the upkeep. What was once a grassy escape was more like a dirty cigarette tray. I saw my dogs being eaten by flies. Their ears bloody and raw from the bites. I tried to put ointment on them to help them. It was never enough. Then one by one the dogs landed in the vets office and I never saw them again. I was also my mother’s parent. At night after work she would come and sit at my bed and have adult conversations with me. Over the years I had moved on and married the dark triad and moved to New England. I was guilted into keeping in touch with my mother by my now ex husband. He did it because he knew it made me unhappy. He also did so because my mother and my family had wealth. He came from a poorer family so he needed me to keep in touch. He told me and I knew that my inheritance was our retirement. I felt like I was pimped out to my mother. She continued to be a destructive person in my life. When I left my husband he came after me. I fled from him several times cross the country leaving with my dog and two suitcases in the middle of the night. My mother was becoming frailer. Dementia started to come in during this time and her tone softened and her disposition gentled. In my time of really needing a parent that loved me and wanted to protect me was a dream. She and I would talk on the phone several times a day. Nothing significant. What was Vanna White wearing. Who was replacing Alex Trabeck. What the awful other residents at the senior community were pissing off my mother. It was completely superficial. For me,it was enough. The disaster of a husband was falling down around me. I was going through the divorce from hell. I expected him to be a jerk but I did not expect my divorce attorney’s assistant to collude with him. My mother was staying at a senior community I despised. My mother didn’t understand what a HIPPHA release was and never signed one. I frequently called her cell phone only to have her answer it in the hospital. She had broken her back. She denied treatment for an MRI and went back home. The community refused to give me any of her health information and stopped allowing me to talk to her. Things had completely escalated because she was a long term benzodiazepine patient and they were giving her opioids for the pain. I tried to get anybody to listen. The mixture of opioids and benzodiazepines is lethal. It causes respiratory failure. 30% or more of opioid deaths are related to the combination of the two. A very lethal street drug out on the street now is a combination of cut fentanyl and benzodiazepine. I tried to get anybody to listen to me. My mother had done a good smear job against me. My ex husband had done a good smear job against me at her residence as well. My mother had triangulated me out of a relationship with two of my cousins. As I had been the truth teller about my father, my brother, and my dogs. I was now the ignored truth teller when it came to trying to save her life. I was ignored. I wasn’t given the opportunity to say goodbye. I tried to contact my cousin to get information. She never returned my calls. After months of frantic phone calls and endless medical arguments on top of being stalked and feeling in danger, sick from the effects of brain damage as recent medical malpractice issue that had complicated my fleeing from him and trying to survive all of this. My mother had died and wasn’t told. I kept calling for answers and they were never returned. I wasn’t told about her funeral. Almost a year and a half later I still don’t know where she is buried and I am in litigation over her estate. It’s so hard to reach the end of your tormentors life, when at the time they were a godsend. It is very hard to reconcile. It is also difficult to understand if it was real. She needed me for health reasons and I gave her a great deal of narcissistic supply. It was a balancing act daily. Not having that funeral. Not knowing of her death or the real opportunity to say goodbye would be hard on a child in a normal relationship would be hard. For me it is still abuse carried forward by the flying monkey that is my cousin who refuses to give me information. I know she was a very horrible person and she did things that were in excusable. That will always out way anything positive. In the time of my greatest need for a mother, she was one. Real or otherwise I am happy to have ended on a high note.

Thank you for addressing this very important and difficult topic. It can be absolutely ghastly for caregivers of narcissists with dementia.

My aging covert/neglectful narcissist is only getting worse. Affairs, hiding money, not participating in household or family activities, discard and devaluing my feelings. My rage builds. I see his cognitive decline. Then, he gets physically injured and ends up in the hospital. I am so confused. My nurturing nature I want to take care of him. But, I cannot. If I give an inch he will take a mile and it will affirm that his twisted attacking behavior was ok. I am torn between guilt and rage.

The hard part is I’ve been NC with my Mom. I don't know if I just want a notification call or to talk on the phone. The rotting body and sickey sweetness won't help me in the least. She made me a winter headband so I'd have something to remember her by. Hoovering. She knows I'm not going to her funeral bc I’m not going to be the dartboard for the family's rage. She agrees that it's not my circus. I'm always going to be the villain in someone's story. I won't take care of her. I hate that my entire life has been sucked up by her. Abuse/therapy/and grieve her loss. I've had to block her on my phone.

my parents had me at an older age so even as a kid/teen, i was expected to act an adult/care for them and then by the time i got old enough to stand up for myself, it just gets painted as me being mean to an “old lady”. they are very good at half-truths to paint me in a bad light and VERY good at weaponising their age and sometimes their illness. I’m only low-contact with this parent because that guilt eats me alive and it’s kind of out of obligation. they aren’t concerned about having conversations about what happened growing up and if it starts to go there, it turns into “that never happened” or “I don’t remember” or even “well you should see how your other parent treated me”.

As my mother aged, she got so much worse. She became totally disregulated like a tantrummy child and even more violent and cruel. I just got so sick of her and her crap it definitely helped me when I moved out. She died exactly one year ago today and I feel nothing.

When I had to care for my mother, it was an hour by hour survival some days. When she died, all I really felt was some relief and a lot of anger that she had thrived on making things awful for her family. It was extremely hard to think up more than a positive thing or two for the eulogy. Now, 20 years later, what was left of my family is fractured beyond repair because my siblings are just like her. I consider myself an only child these days. But, I’m freer and happier than I’ve ever been because luckily I found Dr Ramani and learned what happened to me and how to deal with it.

when u said be gentle with yourself u hit the nail on the head. i got into a bad car accident - thank God we were all ok - but caring for parents and children while being married to a malignant narc stretched me too thin. 10 years later i got out and am so happy now, but self care was non- existant.

This is a tough one for me to process. I received decades of narcissistic abuse from my father. Then from about age 30 onward, I experienced mostly apathy and indifference as he was on to his third marriage by then. I finally cut him off shortly before I turned 50, because I didn’t want to deal with the bad memories and emotional pain anymore. Now I’m turning 56 and my father is 81. I still talk to the rest of my relatives, so I know my father isn’t in the greatest health. But he’s still independent and functional. He has his third wife’s family look after him since he’s been a lot kinder to them than he ever was to me. They don’t know all the ugly history and I have zero guilt about not being involved in his life. I’m not sure how I’ll react when he declines more severely and “that day” comes. But I feel I’ve already had closure and I’ve said all the things I ever wanted to say over five decades. I made a sincere effort to improve the relationship many times. People will hate me and think I abandoned him. But I think I’ll still be at peace. I’ve decided to go his funeral someday, but only if his youngest sibling is still living. I asked my uncle if he wanted me there and he said yes. He assures me he will support me if anyone is negative to me.

I'm glad to see someone is talking about aging narcissistic parents. I did it for five years, and it was hell. My mother got more arrogant, argumentative, controlling, selfish, self-entitle, hateful, angry, and down right meaner! Thank you, Dr. Ramani.

My aging s/o's mom is so cruel and blames her children for her unhappiness. The other day she said, "I'm the kind of woman who has always been a mother first...but now I think my biggest fault was putting my children first, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be in this position. I have nothing." (She won't take responsibility for her decision to sell her home). My heart dropped. I know it hurt him. He loves her dearly, he's kind, gentle, tries not upset or activate her rage, and takes care of her however he can. He's by her side through and through. She doesn't express gratitude. Although it'd mean the world, he doesn't expect it. She regularly points out his "faults, flaws," and struggles but doesn't acknowledge the good (and it's mostly good). Her daughter has supported her financially for the past 6-7 years. Her entitlement is unreal. I've witnessed violent rages when it's challenged, as if to intimidate her children into meeting and respecting her perceived needs.

They know they'll get more sympathy from people as they get older. "Look at how old they are. They can't be abusive."

Thanks for speaking on this. My father became more oppositional with age, and also after a bad accident he had that seriously impaired his life and mobility. I have been NC for almost 2 years now and am picking up the pieces. I hope to get to the point where I can really let go and live my life for me. But also in the back of my head, I know my father is very old (he really is old enough to be a grandfather to me), and that his age, paired with his condition, might lead me back into caretaking one day. I wouldn't want my brother to do it alone. I can only hope that his wife outlives him and can do it. She's caretaking for him now which is amazing because even though they're both narcs, she does care for him, and it allows me to really break free from such terrible relationships. The idea of returning one day still haunts me, but I'm taking things day by day at the moment.

My mother is turning 60 this year. Suddenly she has connections to cousins and other family that she was never close to, and I know it's because she wants to manipulate these people to be her supply and caretakers. I know that caring for her would be repeating a cycle. My great-grandmother mistreated my grandmother, and then my grandmother took care of her. Before passing, my grandmother regretted everything she did for others. It's best I just keep away and let my mother get old.

After 47 years of dealing with a narcissistic mother, I have _no_ sympathy. As the scapegoat she's pushed me to a place I just don't care. She turned on me after my sister was born when I was five. I realized recently that that's when my mother left. The one who loved me. She left and was replaced with an imposter wearing her face telling me that my baby sister was the child she deserved and that I was in the way in every way she could manage. That she couldn't get rid of me because the cops wouldn't like what she was thinking of. People keep telling me I'll miss her when she's gone. But I know I won't. I know I'll rest easy then. I just have to let go of the fantasy that she'll admit to what she's done.

My mother is currently in hospital and extremely ill, she's 90 next. She told the doctors and anyone who will listen how no one visits or cares for her. Nothing could be further from the truth. She hasn't told any of the family how we can make arrangements for her after her death. She's so secretive and paranoid that she wont let us pay her household bills. Shes lying in her bed with wires, tubes and an oxygen mask on, covering her phone with her other hand and trying to tap her PIN code to check her bank balance. She's more hateful than ever and constantly inside our heads. I'll never ever be able to understand her and I thank God everyday that Im not like that. I wish so much love for all of you who are in constant disbelief at the behaviour you wittness and for the suffering and heartache that these relationships bring. Thank you Dr Ramani, for bringing things into focuss for us.

An episode of Call the Midwife comes to mind when Chummy's horrible mother is dying, and Chummy tenderly comforts and cares for her, and the horrible mother is suddenly sweet and tender back. I struggled with that episode. I don't think I have it in me to switch off the feelings of anger and disgust at the past.

Appreciated your comment on "if you went no contact with a narcissist parent and are being drawn back in for end-of-life...." Recently went through this with my ex-husband. Divorced him in the early 2000s - got full custody of our children, moved across the country and went no contact. Last year, he suffered a series of strokes and ended up in ICU without a path for recovery. His family reached out to me, asking if his children wanted to reconnect with him before he died. Got told the "your children might regret it if they don't forgive their father.... etc...." I encouraged my children to find their own path - to do what they felt comfortable in doing, and that the only correct way to handle it was what felt best for them. One replied: "Just let me know once he's dead." The other replied: "The only way I might tell him something is if I know he's completely incapacitated and can't wrongfully manipulate and misrepresent anything I'd have to say. And I would have no regrets if he died without me saying anything to him at all before he died." For my children: That was their right answer.

I can so relate to this. Dealing with this situation at the moment. It's hurting stressed and just draining :(

My mother tells me everything about her health problems and my father’s illness. She doesn’t tell my two siblings anything because “they have a lot going on and l don’t want to worry them”. I am struggling to help care for them while she maintains a facade that everything is fine in front of my siblings. When I told her that it’s unfair and disrespectful to place all this burden on me, she replied that she never asked me for anything and she doesn’t need any help from me. To have it thrown back in my face like this was very hurtful, but the funny thing is - she’s right. She never asks for anything directly. I offer because I feel compelled by guilt and duty every time she tells me about her problems, until I am so drawn in that I feel I am living her life instead of mine. I have spoken to my siblings about this and they are of no help. My sister lives far away and in fairness cannot be present, but that did not stop her from telling me that I need to accompany my parents to every single medical appointment they have, something I am quite sure she would never do! It has really opened my eyes to how my family have manipulated me for their own gain when it suited them and then abandoned me and made me feel a failure in my moments of need when I turned to them for help. I have stepped back for my own sanity and I find myself grieving a family I never really had.

I just watched and wow was this great timing for me. Scapegoat here. My adult son and his family went back to our hometown last week and he met with his abusive alcoholic father and stepmother and then he met with my narcissistic mother who is now in a nursing home. I had videos shared with me and I was shocked to see how the years had aged everyone, and not in a good way. My ex who is 3 years older than me now looks 20 years older. I guess booze and cigarettes truly do age a person. His wife was recently arrested for domestic violence against him and I looked up her mugshot. 😮 Next I saw video of my NM and she’s happy as a little clam because she’s now in a religious nursing home that she sees as the pinnacle of acceptance of her facade. I am so thankful that I didn’t feel pity or guilt. My mom is right where she wants to be and my ex is getting exactly what he deserves.

My narcissistic father is nearing 70 and I am pregnant with my first child. He has already expressed so much excitement about getting to be a grandpa that my stomach turns imagining how he would attempt weaponize my innocent daughter’s naïveté to manipulate me into supporting him as he becomes unable to support himself. And that’s why he will never, EVER be left alone with any child of mine. Who wants to bet he will make a show of being hurt and persecuted by my lack of trust? lol

I would like to say thank you Doctor Raimni. I’ve learned so much from your channel and it’s opened my eyes to the behavior of my family. My mom is approaching 70 years old and I’ve noticed her behavior change from the 2000s to present. She used to be caring and tender and when I think back to the younger years of when I was 5 years old and all the way up to when I was 8 years old I can understand that she was a narcissists. I remember her saying things to make me feel bad about myself, slamming the card door on my fingers on multiple occasions, of course back then when I was 5 years old I thought it was an accident but now thinking back, I think it was done on purpose and slamming the truck door down on my head when I was 7 or 8 years old without making sure I was out of the way to be safe. Fast forward 2020 she throws temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. My dad was awarded a lot of money from my great aunt and she demanded that she get a new kitchen and a wood floor. Her reason was that she worked hard for it and deserved it. This is of course after she asked my sister back in 2012 if she should divorce my dad and before she stole 10k that he was awarded by his great aunt back in 2008. She stole it to buy some electrical gizmo to heal your nervous system. The device cost about 10k and so she went ahead and stole his money from the safe without telling him. She’s also been taking his stuff and giving it away to my sister and her tow truck boyfriend. She walked around the property to take his stuff that was all metal and loaded on a trailer that she was going to give to her tow truck boyfriend to scrap and keep the money. She and I would constantly get into arguments, heated arguments, about her two dogs that are large black labs that she keeps in cages and lets them run loose around the house but she won’t let them run around the property because she’s afraid that they’ll get shot. I stayed at home to protect my dad from her Incas she divorced him but now she’s trying to get me to leave and get him a heart attack, She’s a real piece of work. She called up my other sister’s husband and tried to get him to take four or five of my dad’s cars out of the yard to scrap but couldn’t find the titles. My brother in-law later told my dad what she was trying to do. She also had an affair on my dad with another man between 2008 -2012. The level of narcissism is unbelievable, she’ll refuse to have small talk with me or my dad and will get her supply from her friends on Facebook and will go to RU-vid church channel (because she thinks she’s going to go to heaven) She gets all paranoid about Government Conspiracy Theories that she watches on RU-vid and she won’t shut up about it. She flipped out on me and my dad when I helped him bring home a refrigerator that we needed. She went bananas and threw a medium sized box and hit him in the chest and threw a skateboard at me and almost hit me in the face. I moved out of the way to not get hit. With age narcissist get worse and their behavior goes to Hell in a hand basket. To make matters worse, I’’ve noticed that my dad is a vulnerable narcissist. He’ll make promises and then break them. He’ll sit and talk about people doing things to him and put an act to feel helpless to do anything about it and make me upset and down. Like a few days ago I offered to help him move some stuff in a building because he has trouble lifting and then the next day he took off and wouldn’t tell me where he was going or leave a note or wake me up to take me with him. He would just leave. It made me mad because I rearranged my schedule to help him for the whole day and I didn’t know where he went and he took off the entire day and didn’t call me and I wasn’t going to get in my car to try to find him, so I stayed home and did nothing. Pretty much wasted my entire day, but he has done stuff like this. I would ask him for his help and he would say he would do something and then not do it or I would ask for a ride to pick up my car or truck somewhere and he would take all day getting ready to leave. All of my sister’s follow the same pipeline. I don’t know if I do, I try to better myself and make people feel good by complimenting them and let them shine in the lime light and be content in the shadow or off screen. I’m not really into the whole social gathering and I don’t require supply but what I do require is honesty and integrity from people. I don’t like people playing games and screwing with my head. So, I know Im not a narc. But your channels has helped open my eyes to the realm of toxic behavior and I want to thank you for that. As far as my family is concerned I’m already taking steps to slowly move out again it just won’t be immediately as I would like. I thought I was moving in with my parents to help my dad and get the grunt work done but I’m feeling like a punching bag.

I pray for my sister ,hopefully she won't collapse there people pleasing could cost her live and her children missing on their mother is unnecessary damage and thougthles

This makes sense! My father just turned 70 and is spewing out the most vile stuff to me and my sister. We feel bad but we have had to block him!

My goodness, thank you for such kind, compassionate words. As my narc mother and enabling father get older, it's getting much more severe. The most intense scapegoating tactics are in play. Very very limited contact with grey rocking and heavy therapy is so far my way through. This video has helped so much. Your knowledge, kindness, and understanding has really touched me deeply. Thank you.

My biological mom is 86 am I had no contact for a decade , then she was put in the hospital . As soon as I heard her speak I knew her personality hadn’t changed. She then was throwing food trays at nurses and telling anyone who would listen how messed up they were inside . I spoke to her doctors and told them she is a drug user and should check her meds . Sure enough her tox screen showed misuse . She ended up in a facility because she couldn’t care for herself . Somehow she got released and went back to same patterns of hatred. My brother speaks to her , but my sister and I were so damaged from years of psychological games . We both secretly wanted her to pass . They don’t change not even death bed changes .

Oh man, a discussion on this aspect of dealing with narcissism is exactly what I needed! I've been grappling with my feelings, which have vascillated between loathing, pity, and love. It helps to hear you say there's no playbook and to be gentle on myself. Thank you!

I have NO pity. For the aging narc, or all their flying monkeys. My Dad has dementia. He shares a home with my late mom's sister. My mom was a narc. My Dad was a flying monkey. As a child, I did not DARE upset my aunt. As an adult, now 59... I have no pity for my father, who did not protect me when my aunt was a participant in my sexual abuse.

I thank GOD I divorced my ex-husband before he had a massive stroke. I left him 3 yrs before & I wasn't going back. He ended up in a nursing home all alone.

Thank you for talking about this. My mother's narcissistic traits have gotten worse with age and health problems. It's hard to deal with. She has it in her head that at some point she's going to move in with me and my wife and we're going to wait on her in her golden years. I've told her several times that it's not going to happen, but she keeps talking like it is. I'm not looking forward to when that comes to a head.

YOU ARE SUCH A KIND SOUL!!!! I just want you to know that you have helped me tremendously. THANKYOU SO MUCH!!!

My MIL was narcissistic. When she died of COVID, I cried. She was elderly. I never wanted the strained relationship that we had. I made so many attempts to form a close relationship with her. They were never returned. She dragged my name through the dirt....for reasons unknown. I don't know this for a fact but many things point to this since people I would newly meet through her treated me very poorly. One even said, "I've heard a lot about you" and I laughed and said "I hope it was all good" and they looked at me with this blank stare and walked off. She treated my husband so poorly. She treated her own daughter (who took care of her) like crap. Knowing what I know now, I don't know why I even bothered but I think part of me was in disbelief. My husband told me things about her before we got married but I thought maybe he was exaggerating. She tried to give away her daughter once she was home from the hospital (their father intercepted it). I never had a mother like this, so I just couldn't believe my sweet husband had a mother like this. But he did. She was one of the meanest people I have ever known. The whole thing is sad.

As always, reaching through my screen and placing a kind hand on my shoulder. Your videos always seem to line up perfectly with my life events. Thank you spending so much time, energy, and resources to help random people out here in the world.

Thanks so much for this video- it's quite timely for us. My father in law is very ill in hospital and it's been horrible to witness his narcissistic personality almost boiled down to its essence- he doesn't know where he is or what's happening, yet he threatens to sue everybody, rages, tells nurses they are doing their job wrong, etc. No manipulation or charm left, just imperiousness, self pity and cruelty and my poor partner is bearing it all, being the only family still in his life.

My malignant narcissist mother only gets worse the older she gets. She's not even doing the bare minimum to hide the evil anymore. I don't speak to her.

Thanks for this. In trying to learn how to cope with someone with dementia I’ve watched many RU-vid videos about someone going through this with their beloved mother or their dear dear grandpa. This is the first thing I’ve ever seen that addresses my situation where the old gal is much of a liar and manipulator and it’s just as mean as she’s ever been. It is really complicated. My much older brother and his wife didn’t know the real mom until my dad died four years ago. She managed to put us against each other all our lives. I was the bad kid. Because of physical disability, I could not move in with my mom and take care of her. But my dad asked me to promise that I would look after her. I said I would see to it that she was cared for the way he would want her to be. I feel bound by that to a great degree. My brother and his wife moved across the country to live with Mom. They are paying a heavy price. What I do to try to be helpful is call her every day. A couple of years ago I did a month long respite visit so they could get away. That’s not possible anymore. She treats me like I’m the golden one now. I absolutely absolutely know. This is only skin deep. It is sad that the only time my mother can show any kind of affection for me. Is when it suits her manipulation of others and she’s in a state of severe mental decline. I do feel pity for her just as I would for anyone. Dementia is awful. My boundaries are strong. Feel very secure in my knowledge of the truth. Yet it still takes atoll. I do feel that I can back out from that promise. I don’t want to, at least not yet. I am managing with the support of friends and support a family members who understand the situation. Also, I don’t want my poor brother to feel absolutely unsupported. There’s been careful thought about what I want to do and what I can do without doing damage to myself. I’m not saying my choice is right for anybody else. I don’t think it’s right for most people and I don’t know whether it will turn out to be right for me. It’s just really great to have this experience recognized.

16 April 2024 Hi Dr. Ramani from Australia 🇦🇺 really love your Channel so interesting and enlightening! ❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉

The "we're family" statement makes me want to pull out my hair. My brother defers to "we're family" whenever our NarcMom guilt trips him into feeling sorry for her because I chose to go no contact. What he does not realize is that he is abusing me all over again because what he is indirectly telling her (Narcmom) is that it's okay for her to have treated me the way that she did; so don't worry yourself that she's not talking to you right now---she'll come around because we are family. #familyisoverrated

I've seen, felt and experienced the aging narcissist monster.

Phenomenal timing on this topic Dr Ramani! ❤you have absolutely saved my life by helping me make sense of so much. Now that my mother is knee deep in dementia i have finally been able to admit how abusive she really was. She was a pillar of the community but hated me the most out of her 7 kids. It confuses me, but makes sense at the same time, that I have no problem selling off our amazing childhood home that my parents built from the ground up because it was the stage of so much abuse and hurt. So many mixed emotions and realizations coming to the surface. Bless you Dr Ramani for acknowledging the pain and abuse we have struggled with for so long. I have always been a good daughter but in the past 25 years I have made sure my behavior towards my mother was of my strict choosing, not of a reaction to her fury and hate.

Excellent topic, Dr. Ramani! ⭐ I'm 57, my parents are 80. My dad & brother are narcs; my mom is codependent with narc tendencies. I'm the black sheep left to take care of my parents, while my star-child brother lives selfishly & lavishly across the country. A friend said, "Live your own life and let your parents wither away thinking about how they treated you when you're gone." I will not. I cannot. When my time comes, I will rest peacefully knowing I didn't stoop that low.

Thank you for this topic. My narcissistic, alcoholic mom's dead, as is my enabling dad, so coping with that pain is mostly meditating and therapeutic writing. Now I'm blocking my 73-year-old ex-husband, who's still trying to guilt me into supporting him. He throws money away faster than anyone I've ever known; he also tried to get everything in the divorce, which I don't forgive. By abusing everyone in his family, he's now isolated, virtually homeless, and with failing health. It's another exercise for me to avoid someone with very poor mental health, which I did NOT cause (she said emphatically to herself). I'm going to stay clear and stay safer.

DONT DO IT Let the golden child take care of the narc parents. Remember ur the scapegoat child, they treated u like shit, they deprived of resources, they sabotaged u, they encouraged other family members to harass u and maltreat u.

My covert narcissist father was furious at becoming older and bedbound, though he did nothing to help stop it from happening. He'd never discuss getting old and threatened several times when I displeased him in some way that he'd leave all his inheritance to my brother. I was his emotional caretaker for decades. I have chronic illnesses and left most of his care to paid caretakers, as I knew he'd completely drain me, if not send me to hospital (I was recovering from a heart attack). My brother and his wife still viewed me as lazy for not doing more. It was validating for me to hear his carers say how difficult and draining he was. Finally people understood! He was softer towards me though, but that just made me realise his behaviour *was* within his control. My brother was more interested in his inheritance than anything. I don't keep in touch with him and don't miss my father. I feel liberated at last.

I am in the process of going NC with the narc mom and she is 76 years old. Luckily I have four younger siblings who are her enablers so they can take care of her as her health declines. The abuse I got from her as the enmeshed eldest daughter “golden child” turned me into a highly sensitive person with too much empathy. It led me to be a magnet for narcissists in relationships and I have never had a successful relationship. The most recent person in my life psychologically abused me and manipulated me for 12 years and I was very trauma bonded to her. It’s weird but I feel like I have had to turn off my empathy when I went NC back in August. It feels like I turned off my empathy but I think what’s really happening is that my empathy is settling into a lower level that is more in line with the average person. I used to feel so overloaded with empathy that it was starting to feel toxic to me. Turning it down is the only way to protect myself .

40 plus years for me, with a Narc. mil. She's over 90 now and getting worse. She blasted me good just a couple weeks ago, and mistakenly put it on the wrong chat group, so all her children and grandchildren saw it (everyone is totally aware of her nastiness, so no surprise there, but this one took the cake). Haven't heard from her since. There won't be an apology, because she's not capable of apologizing, and I'm done with her abuse. I'm not going back for more. She has ruined our whole family. Everyone is tip toeing around enabling her except her 2 grand daughters, but that doesn't mean they aren't suffering too. In her eyes, boys are worth so much more than the girls, but even they are up to their eyeballs in disgust. I didn't know what was the matter with her until a couple of years ago, and Dr. Ramani has been such a great help. The most aggravating part is that THREE PEOPLE HAVE CALLED OR E-MAILED IN THE LAST WEEK, to say that they've visited her retirement home or seen her out and about, and she is SO WONDERFUL AND HAPPY. If they only knew. I've learned from Dr. Ramani that you can't call out a Narc. and you can't tell these people who believe she's so charming that she really isn't. I also put two and two together and discovered that what was wrong with my marriage of over 40 years, is that my spouse is soooo much like her, and treats me the way she treats him. I've considered leaving, but he's got some pretty significant health challenges going on right now, and I've got him figured out now too, so I don't fall for his manipulation.

As my mother gets softer, doubt sinks in. messes with my mind so that I start doubting if what I believe was true in the first place...such is my journey...

Thank you. This is exactly what I needed at this moment in my journey. After going 'no contact' with my father a couple of years ago, I have heard reports of him getting kicked out of several hospitals, several hotels, and wrecking his car. I was unsure as to whether I was navigating through this ordeal correctly. After abusing our very good family friend, who was an enabler until my father showed his true colors to him, he has also finally given up on trying to take care of my 87 year old father. One morning, the family friend bought coffee for my father as a friendly gesture, only to have my father throw the hot coffee at our friend - That was the last straw for our friend.

As always you managed to hit a bull's eye. I did not know my mother was a narc when Alzheimer's was killing her. I had only just realized she was abusive at that point. When we first put her in nursing care, she was combative. She had to see a psychiatrist who prescribed anti-anxiety meds, and I don't know what else. The drugs made her passive and rather sweet. For her, I feel a huge pity. She lived with fear, a feeling of inadequacy, and anger, while I am learning to be free. FYI Your videos have been so helpful. It seems the perfect message comes at the perfect time. Many Blessings

The emotional immaturity becomes ever more STARK in comparison to their physical form. I felt my Narcmom (adoptive, who i took into my home after her suicide attempt) was infantile, and wondered what was going on in her mind. Thank GOD for visiting hospice care and the kind nurses who patiently helped. ...Helped her AND me, by giving me an hour of freedom from her speed dialing, or needing to toilet her, or cut her hair / nails, apply ointments to bedsores... Yeah folks, if you're going through this... You have my heart and prayers.

It's an _easy_ decision in my case. My N mother has ruined more lives than mine (until I figured her out and fixed myself). She destroyed my father (though he was a pretty easy mark for her) and she (along with my ex) drove my two sons away from me so now they won't communicate with me or let me are my grandkids. She has no friends and none of the rest of the family can stand her. My brother told me that she recently moved into assisted living. Not only don't I care but I have no idea where that is. She has long since earned no contact and I've reached complete apathy toward her. As far as I know she is still in command of all her faculties but no matter how her condition changes nothing will change in how I just have no more fucks to give about her.

It’s funny how obsessed narcs are with having someone to care for them as they age. I am just the opposite. I dream of remaining independent as long as possible, even if that means crawling on all fours to get to the bathroom. I would refuse help at all costs. I relish my privacy. If somehow I ended up in a nursing home, I wouldn’t know how to handle the constant care and attention. I remember undergoing a minor procedure in my 20s. The nurses were so kind and lovely. It was really impactful. I realized later I never had an ounce of that growing up, and the experience of it was pleasant but confusing and a little uncomfortable. That is the difference between a narc and an abused/abandoned child.

My ex-narcissist wanted me to be his caretaker. He's quite old now, and even when young was not good at "taking care of things". I laughed because it was ludicrous. He'd been so horrible to me, yet still thought he deserved to be taken care of by me. I'd be his perpetual slave, and he'd still be dishing out the abuse.

Such a kind video and a sad reality. I said to my mother years ago, with the right amount of humour, that I wasn’t going to look after her. She took the hint, married another moron as my father died 21yrs ago and they’ve now moved into a retirement village together. She is a convert narcissist and he’s a grandiose one. Vile. I would rather swallow razor blades than look after either of them. Whatever your situation, do what’s right for you.

I have decided not to care for my parents in their old age. I knew that when the time came, it would be much harder to set boundaries. At the age of 30, I sat down with a social worker and lawyer to find out if I even had to. It was important to me not to enter into any dependency relationship with them and the family system. That's why we drafted a declaration stating that I do not wish to be considered as their legal guardian and recommending a social worker instead. Honestly, that was the worst time of my life. Internally dealing with conflicts and externally hearing the opinions of others. Sometimes I still feel guilty about what I did. Especially with my mother, who is so sweet. And sometimes, these kinds of decisions need to be made, not to prove anything to them, but to acknowledge what has happened and make a decision from that state of being. My recommendation: Do it as early as possible.

Thank you. I've been dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions as my mother begins the slow descent. She seems to realize that her fate now rests with the child she shamed and belittled for decades, so she is now behaving like the mother I needed 40 years ago. Acceptance is not something I ever expected and I know she doesn't mean it, but I can still enjoy some guarded validation. It's still transactional, but adult me knows that I can set the terms.

My mother is one of those that has become more docile and childlike with age. It was very unnerving and confusing to experience. This video was helpful to understand that it happens.