Married But In Love With Someone Else - Pt. 1 

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"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone” originated with Robin Williams.

My ex husband went with his lover, so grateful he did. We are still on friendly terms, and I think the world of his now wife. The other day I actually told her that he was lucky to have her. My children think that it's great that we all get along and understand that we really weren't that suited. I am looking for love, hopefully I find it too but I don't resent their happiness.

It’s sad to belong to someone else, when the right one comes along

As someone who’s on the “being cheated on” end of a marriage ending, it’s the absolute worst feeling in the world. I still don’t feel like I’m living my own life. This has put me in such a deep depression, and her and I have a 4-year old son together. Nobody should ever have to go through the pain of the love of their life leaving them for somebody else.

REgret of a dying man " I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me". We live only once in this world, why not live with the one you truly love. Happiness vs. misery

You’re lucky that Alice loved you enough to take you back. God bless that strong woman

I just want to say that it takes a lot of courage for someone to admit that he or she had/has an affair. Thanks for your advise

Why does that happen? We meet wrong person at the right time and after that meet the right person at the wrong time...

When you have an affair, you have already left your marriage. You have allowed 3 people to become apart of your marriage instead of 2.

Anyone having an affair certainly isn't thinking about the spouse or the children.

I had so many difficulties in my marriage, too but like every nice girls out there, I tried to work it out with hopes that things will change. I didn't want my children to grow up in a broken family so I stayed despite there were times when I lost that so-called self-respect. Until one day, he did things that to me are unacceptable and unreasonable. My eldest talked to me and asked if I could give their dad a second chance because apparently he has changed obviously want me back. I thought if he has changed then there would be no reason for me to be mad and we can be together for the kids despite I didn't love him anymore. And my children will not blame me for the separation that I wanted. So I went home hoping for the best. Guess what? It didn't work. That long-term consequences described here is what made me stay despite my life was miserable for ages just wanting to have a family that I thought was ideal. And after the separation, I have learned to love and value myself more. With or without a man.

I’ve had more than one opportunity to consider walking away from my family for someone else, but both my parents had wanderlust, and I know how I felt about it as a child. I would never do to my children, or someone else’s, what my parents did to me. When I was “propositioned “ I only saw how much that person didn’t care about their own children, and I was determined not to be the one who destroyed their child’s life. If you think your behavior doesn’t effect your kids, think again.

I've read some of the situations and comments below. Being judgemental of others relationship situations is bias and harmful. We all deserve to be loved and choose love according to our own beliefs. Many a time people get married for reasons other than love...and one of those big reasons is fear of being alone. It's not a good reason, but it is one. Think, people bulid lives on that basis and think if the trickle effects it has on the others around it. Think of what it teaches the children that are produced in these loveless and affectionless marriages. We are human being that are imperfect. Growth comes from life lessons big or small. Love is imperfect and there are no hardlines anyone can draw that fits all.

Sometimes we marry the wrong person, but then we eventually meet someone who seems to be right

If you're trying to start something else before ending it with whoever you're with, well...this is a strong word... you're a coward. Leave first, even if it doesn't work out with the other person...it still was an indication that the marriage wasn't good anyway. If you're afraid to be alone well that's another problem that needs to be dealt with.

Affairs often happen as your needs are not being met or being neglected or in some cases, ignored all together. The discussion of needs become arguments. As you continue it is human nature to accept and survive. Then suddenly someone made you laugh.... a laugh you forgot you had and then he/ she remembers the book you spoke about and it resonates that you're being heard. Through 5 minute snippets of interaction, you develop into a friendship then, possibly, a physical attraction. Now he or she is making you feel attractive, funny and intelligent again. Your brain runs with endorphins and clouds any negative judgment to that new person, you're just focusing on that beautiful drug like feeling. You are not always with them as you both have separate lives but their good vibes continue through. It may even make your other half more interested in you again as you have become the main focus of your own life for a change. Then the conflict. Lust vs love. Love is learning to accept your partner even with their negative traits. Lust is removing your ability to see the negative of a partner so love can be eventually replaced. But not all relationships end in love. How many did you have to go through before you found the one? When having an affair that develops feelings, you put a lot more pressure to make it work as you don't want your lies to be in vein. Scientifically, you're screwed if your attentions are lustful. Like those living without human contact or sex yet crave it from their hubby or wife, will eventually find a connection that could ultimately test their loyalty. However, human interaction is a beautiful, taken for granted thing in long term relationships. It is a cure for so much and if you do not get boosted up by your partner but you do by someone else, enjoy it. You deserve to be appreciated. However, know your limits. Respect that affairs have a sell by date. Out of all the affairs I have witnessed, all husbands bar one, went back to their wife.

Staying with someone you don’t love Also effects your kids They are bound to feel that energy Also your teaching your kids that it’s ok to stay with someone for the sake of it Isn’t it better to show your kids what true love is and not to just settle

I left my amazing husband (w/12 &14 yo children) 10 years ago as I had feelings for someone else and I believed my husband deserved so much more love than I was giving him! I broke his heart, but we both agreed and divorced peacefully! He has since remarried to an amazing woman who loves our children as her own. And as strange as it sounds I'm still happily single ❤ 🤷 who would have thought! So don't hold someone back from living their best life! 😚 Its just unfair!

In the medical profession you nailed it. In reality, every life and situation is different.Everyone has their own story, and suffering. Only that person knows the truth, and their reason and suffering. We can’t make people love one other if they don’t love each other 🙂🙂🙂

Husband took to another woman, fathered a child with her while married to me. He will never admit it to me, but it doesn't matter since he's had other mistresses, also. The lies, deception, and manipulation led me to file for divorce. I have put up with so much. I look forward to living a new life away from this jerk. ☮️

My parents stayed married for years in misery. In fact I begged them to separate so miserable was my home life for me and my sibling. They kept persisting for religous and moral beliefs. They finally divorced after I left college. My Dad remarried and at first it was upsetting but I'm actually happier for him to experience happiness at some point in life. I think in many cases we hold on rigidly to these beliefs when everything is pointing to how these beliefs are killing us inside. Because of clinging for decades to a toxic dead marriage my whole family was changed forever as people. If your marriage is wrong and youve gotten all the help you can I would say the lesson is to let it go. Dont divorce to jump into something else immediately. Divorce because you realise that the relationship and person are wrong and unhealthy for you.

Thinking of long term consequences its strongly made me feel that my marriage is definately not going any forward.

just divorced, and never been happier.

Life is too short to live with a person you dont love anymore. The best thing is to be honest and go for what you think is going to make you happy. If you fail, you learn the lesson and that is it.

Thing is the "love" feels great as long as you spend the quality moments with the lover and don't have to deal with the actual life situation...once you start living together, it will be the same as you have now!

An affair is hell. Divorce is hell. Divorce is hell. You can fall back in love with your spouse. I am telling you. The problems follow you, fix them now within your marriage.

I feel like staying in a relationship that you don’t wanna be in anymore can do more damage than altering the vision you had of yourself, which was to be married ‘till death do you part’, Other people murder the spouse trying not to disappoint or go against their family, culture, religion etc which according to me is far worst than disappointing people by walking away!

This is the type of stuff that will make me stay single.

Who would want to stay married with someone who isn't in love with them anymore?

Here’s the truth of the matter, your soulmate can never be someone else’s spouse. Period, Hard Stop!!!

There's a rule: Be happy with what you have - basic existence, you can live without others Work hard for what you want - dreams, aspirations, relationships Accept there are things you cannot have - anything else that disrupts peace or breaks the law

If you aren't in love with the person you're married to, man up and divorce them! Period, end of Story!!! DON'T CHEAT!!! Anyone who is willingly with a cheater, deserves what they get! Doesn't matter what side of cheating you're on, CHEATING IS NOT OK!!!

I'm in love with a Married Man ,but would never ever pursue it or even try to come between them because I think of all the damage it does .So I'll stay single in till I meet someone else ,single .

Its not even about focusing on everything and everbody else. It's about sacrificing your happiness to make sure everybody else stays happy. If your not happy how could you possibly make someone else happy.

It also effects the kids lives if you stay in a loveless marriage. My spouse and I don't speak. We're done working on it and we're not living like this forever

Bottom line if you’re not happy in your marriage get a divorce cheating on someone who truly loves you for better or worse until death do you part is evil hurtful painful and the list goes on and especially if there’s children involved!

Actually, I am falling for a married man. This video has actually helped me realise that I am playing a part in hurting his children....

I’m divorced and it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. It’s not worth it to stay with someone you are not suppose to be with. People make bad choices in life. They marry the wrong person. Divorce is a good thing. Even if you have children. If you’re not happy with the other person why live in a lie. Confess the truth. It will lead you to a better life of happiness.

Life is hard and this is one of the hardest lessons to learn. Something has to give and when it does it’s catastrophic

Why RU-vid recommending me? I guess youtube reads your mind.

I really like your delivery and perspective. I ended it with my lover to try and "do the right thing" . Big mistake and even therapy didn't help; the marriage was dead and i broke my new loves heart I loved two women and broke three hearts. Sometimes we just lose in life and love

Several years ago I became infatuated with another man. I chose to end contact with the other man and work on my marriage. I didn't want to begin a new relationship based on deceit. I felt strongly that I would regret not seeing the relationship with my husband through. I felt I would always wonder if I'd done the right thing. My marriage ended anyway. I think the infatuation was a symptom that my marriage was in trouble. I have neither men in my life now but I have myself. I'm happy that I stayed true to my idea of myself as a trust worthy person. I never thought about how much our choices shape our self-concept. Thanks for the video!

This made me cry.... there is no “the one”... we have needs and a multiple of people can for-fill those needs. long marriages say if something was broke they fixed it... the main thing is the foundation in the beginning. Find someone capable and willing to full-fill ur needs and vice versa

Love isn't about finding the "right" person...it's learning to love the person you've found. - Mort Fertel

sadly, sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time...💔 it's really hard not to live such an extraordinary love and condemn it to end for so many reasons😔...if loving unconditionally with all of your heart and soul is a sin then I declare myself a sinner...💔

I used to be a staunch believer in the notion that “you never cheat, you leave first”. But life threw me a curveball and I now understand that human imperfection and complexity makes ANYTHING possible, no matter your intentions. It’s easy to stand in self-righteousness when the cards are in your favor. But as an old friend would say, “never say never because life will make a liar out of you every time”.

Love, Sex, relationships, marry, become a parent, raise children, work, buy, have financial obligations, pay bills, die... Humans. The choices we have and make depend on the input we receive from our family, society, education, religion, films, books, etc. They form our beliefs, thoughts and actions. We are not free and neutral when we make decisions. But there are six needs everybody has: 1. Certainty, 2. Uncertainty/Variety/Freedom, 3. To love and to be Loved, 4. Significance/Meaning, 5. Space to grow, 6. Contribution. We all strive for a better life and to have those needs fulfilled in some way or another. Let us be gentle and patient with each other.

My wife is in love with a girl, just found out today. I am in shock and lonely at the same time. My kid is just 7 y/o . In time i will recover from this and hope find a love one

Thank you so much, the last few words you talked about is strong and what every married person should think about. My heart is filled with joy that you and your wife are back together 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

you have the right love at the wrong time when you are already married and falls for somebody else

Thanks for the video. I think listening to your real story gives many of us a sense of healing . Too many people give up relationships because of a temporary lull without communication to fix things. When someone leaves without warning, it can be so shattering and leave you guessing your self worth. In many cases this pain is worth than having a close family pass away. Anyway, we appreciate your videos and keep up the good work.

My ex admitted she was going to do something for herself for once in her life. She was able to justify her actions because she had apparently been so “selfless” during our 21 years of marriage. I just wish she would have told me she didn’t love me anymore years before because there’s nothing worse than feeling like years of your life were wasted.

This video has changed my life and is going to save my marriage.

I could never marry someone I’m not into or truly love

People marry who are available and not the one they love think about that....

I am divorced. after 10 years of marriage. There's no point living with a person who obviously doesnt love me anymore

I’m so Thankful ,I married with The Love of my Life ! I’m so Blessed ! I love you Jesus Christ with all of my heart ! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I left a 14 year marriage to a man who had abandoned us emotionally. His presence in the home was scarce. After I left I knew it was the right decision for my children who needed stability. Looking forward 6 years later, today I am an empty nester with my youngest graduating next June. It’s my first long term hurdle. What will I do now with all of that free time now that our two sons are away. Tough spot I’m sure I’ll get through. I’m praying 🙏🏽 and reconnecting with old hobbies and sports. For the first time I’m a tad nervous about this unknown.

What if there is no affair? Your in love with a married man and never been on a date or slept together then suddenly he divorces his wife. Only to confess his true feelings for you.

I can tell you what happened with my dad, he now lives with me age 65 was married to my mom for 16 years, left her for someone else when he was age 35, had another girlfriend after her, girlfriends kicked him out now he lives with me and does not date he finally told me he should have just stayed with my mom, he is deeply depressed and drinks a lot of alcohol.

In love with someone else? You should choose love. . Life is so short and uncertain...

On the tail end of a similar situation and by the grace of God was able to come to my senses I have been with my wife for 30 plus years and there is no excuse for badd behavior. Her forgiveness is straight from God

Oh my goodness what wonderful advice this Man have given us. I can't thank you enough for having a GREAT! RU-vid channel 👏👏

Affairs never work. Long or short term. The fact that a relationship has started after someone has had an affair it will doom the future of the new couple. My experience says fix the problem with you, work in your marriage or get out before starting a new relationship.

I think it all goes back to how sure you are on how strong both sides love each other and it being true love and not lust. But we can never be sure until we get into it physically and emotionally by that time we will judge if it was worth it or not or we regret we left our first spouse ..

I loved my (x) but wasn't inlove with him. I had six children - and even thought I was in this large family I always felt alone. I was missing love......passion......attention. I didn't want to hurt my x or my children - but if I wasn't happy then how could they be happy - because it was like I wasn't even the real me. I pursued the divorce because I didn't want to be on my death bed feeling regret that I didn't at least try to find the person that I knew I was supposed to be with. I realize at times it would be easier on my children - but my x and I are civil and actually friends because we care about one another and we love our children. I do feel staying with someone because you feel you have to is NOT the right reason to stay - and you do only have one life to live and you should have the opportunity to find happiness. To each their own..........obligation to me is NO REASON to stay married!

Each and everyone deserves to be loved!

So wonderfully put together, puts lots of things into perspective. Thanks definitely watching part 2

Divorce is a good thing, should not stay with your spouse if you love someone else. If you love someone else, then this marriage is finished, don’t stay just cos of you get use to the spouse or what the friends and family will say. It’s your life, your happiness

You made a great point. Selfishness drives us to make decisions without thinking out the impact on others.

Each point you mentioned were so on point! Such a wonderful discussion.

Your talk is warm, catchy and gives clarity.

If you want your marriage to be successful and will last long stop doing that. Staying in your marriage and keep having an affair, to tell you honestly, that’s doomed. Be brave enough in every decision you make.

This video has really helped me with my life decisions I've been thinking about what I should do but after seeing this video I'm not going to leave my wife and children

Life is way too precious. If you have found the one ... it is better to sacrifice all else to have that one in your life rather than live one of grave distress and unhappiness. Wouldn’t your frustration negatively affect and have adverse effects on the the same family you may be trying to protect anyway. Life is about change as well. Make an honest decision and do things fairly but love and appreciate your life and believe that you too deserve happiness.. when you found it... don’t let it go..

I can run with the logic and sense in Joe's words. One's choice for many at the end of the day is 'shall I be selfish, or shall I be a martyr and be loyal?' It's not even that simple as such a situation invariably holds many a consideration and certainly at least two speculative outcomes based on one's decision. A key feature is do you personally believe that long term bliss is possible? Have you ever experienced such in the short term with your present partner? And if so how realistic is it that such could be re-kindled? Could you personally likely ever be truly happy with your own original partner? If not, should one still stay for the sake of any children? Would staying really benefit them? Could one give more of oneself to them if one was more happy? Whatever the questions they severely test us and are both legion and endless. Perhaps the ultimate question being'do I run with my head or my heart?' Those questions can create a Gordian Knot around our soul. Whatever one chooses to do then invariably that decision will embrace at least a significant element of fear, guilt, and regret. Even if on balance the choice feels sound. And I suspect that in many cases after the choice is made one never again feels really comfortable with oneself whatever the outcome. Unless of course one's first partner was cruel during the relationship. It is truly a mammoth life changing decision which we will ultimately carry into eternity. There are rarely clear answers. In my case I had been engaged for several years although still only twenty years old, and there were no children at that point. I remained with my fiance out of loyalty, we married and stayed married for seventeen years, and had two children. Forty eight years down the line (i.e. after temporarily having two ladies in my life) after mammoth efforts I managed to trace the lady I had fallen in love with, then spurned, and finally broke her heart. I had remained in love all that time and had thought of her every single day. She had married two years after we had said 'Goodbye' and remained happy with her husband they having had two children. So we never met again (this time in old age) and my endless sadness continues. I would never say 'regret' as I have fantastic children. Life is never without some sort of consolation, not that children should really be referred to as such. Lessons? Take decisions from a brave heart, not cowardice, and try to live in the future not the past. But it's difficult.

Thank you! This has really helped me realize how much is affected by my choices.

Love the content of this message. The legacy of the long-term consequences of the partner’s action due to infidelity is crucial. Thank your sharing your experience and expertise on this subject.

If you’re NOT IN LOVE w/a person, DON’T MARRY THEM!! This is the premise for a doomed marriage - PERIOD!!!!! Life is too short to entrap yourself with someone U R not connected to spiritually, emotionally & physically! And to promise yourself U will stay cuz kids arrive (because your father abandoned U, your sibs & Mother), only further wounds your soul & life’s purpose, life is not meant to be spent miserable & encumbered w/someone whom you’re not truly happy with...U must ask yourself if your kids were getting ready to do the same thing, what wisdom might U offer to prevent them from repeating and/or living the same situation U perpetuated for yourself...

Always choose love people💕...I don’t believe we are suppose to be with one person forever. We grow and we change.

In the End -you ended up with the person you should've been since the beginning, your first wife. We try all kinds of things but then turns out it was right the first time. I have heard of people re-marrying after a divorce and I think its so romantic. Good for you! Live and learn.

Wish my husband had heard this before he left me and my son. It caused much suffering and it still does . Thanks sharing this I hope it saves a least one family from the hell of divorce. Your a strong man. I hate that my son is always fearful of being left. I just feel like a failure.

Marriage seems like entrapment.

Never leave the one you love for the one you like... If you do leave for yourself not to please the lover. People who hurt others have no inner peace.

Brilliant video & advice. We should respect the wisdom that comes from our elders. This guy rocks!

Love has no assurance with a married man. I'm stuck as well but I don't know how to get out of this 😪

I think this video just saved my marriage. Thank you!!! 🙏🏻

Things change, people change!

Dr. Beam's video was very helpful. It made me feel so much better. I've been married for 22 years, but my wife and I have no sex life whatsoever. Our kids are 17 and 18. Next year both will be in college. Four years ago I met my "Sally Sue" by accident. We got caught in a rainstorm and ran into the lobby of the closest hotel. We looked at each other and laughed. After cleaning up to the extent we could, we went to the bar for a drink. We stayed there for hours as it was still raining. Neither of us had to go back to work. I talked a lot about my wife and kids. I was twice her age. I was 56; she was 28. Today I'm 60; she's 32. When the rain stopped we went our separate ways. I thought I'd never see her again. The next day I got an email from her saying that she knew I was married, but she wanted to see me again. We had lunch the next week and as I was walking her back towards work she just stopped and kissed me on the street. The next week we ended up in a hotel room. Everything was great for the next four years. We were in love. We'd see each other once or twice a week, not always for sex. We spent a lot of time talking, going to the theatre, dining out, etc. I never looked at it as a sleazy affair. Although it started with a lot of sex, it evolved into a more well-rounded relationship. I'm very much in love with her as I write this. At this moment, the relationship is unraveling. Everything was great until 3 weeks ago. She was away for work. One night I was browsing on Facebook and ran across a series of posts that suggested she was traveling through Europe with another man (one much better looking than I am). While I never asked her to not see other men, I firmly believed that our relationship was monogamous. After all, I wasn't having sex with anyone else. I sent her a series of texts accusing her of lying to me about where she was. She wrote back a couple of hours outraged. She said that I should have known that most things on social media was fake. And this was. She was not in Europe. The man was not her lover. I jumped to incorrect conclusions. For the first time in four years our trust wasn't unbreakable. Over the next three weeks our relationship evolved into a classic pursuer-distancer one. I wanted to fix things immediately and all I did was make things worse. Finally, after sending her the second bouquet of flowers in a week, she thanked me for the flowers, but said that what she really needed was some space to think, I'm getting everything I deserve, waiting for her to call, to tell me what I expect will be that our relationship is over. I'm in a lot of pain as I type this. I feel in limbo. While I want the relationship to continue, I recognize that it would have to be different. During the four years, we were in equilibrium so to speak. We never saw the pursuer-distancer dynamic. We didn't have to. Our relationship while loving wa in an artificial setting. What that tells me is that if the relationship did move to a more permanent one if I left my family, it would be very different that the last idyllic four years. I am in a lot of pain as I type this. I feel that I'm in a "no win" situation, one of my own design. It would be hard to go back to the same idyllic situation and it's probably best for all that the relationship should end. But I still want it. Thanks for reading. I feel a little better having written this.

Wow you are full of wisdom; thank you for sharing 👍

This is great. We need to hear this. Life is real.

Thanks for sharing your perspective ....it is enlightening and helpful!

Oh my, what would we do without older and wiser people. We fall into this situation and see so narrowly in that moment. I am so glad for their advice from perspective. Thank you

I came across this video just looking for marriage help. It gave me so much clarity on what I'm feeling.

Am so glad I found this on RU-vid

Im in that dire situation , and its tearing me apart each day, but I love the thrill, thanks for the advice, Im now enlightened

I decided to stay married, but we ended up divorcing a few years later. It became the biggest regret of my life not choosing the other person. The other person had moved away and I was stuck as I had children. If only I had made the other decision and I could have had both my children and soulmate.

Very wise words,it's been a long time since I heared a voice so soothing .

I never wanted to stay with him but cutting it off was way harder than I had ever intended. We had been together for too long and he had become a huge emotional support to me. My husband was very distracted at work at this point so he didn’t really notice and approved of me hanging out with him because he didn’t have time anyway he’d said. Because the other person knew so much more about my challenges than my husband, by the time I called it off he didn’t really know me anymore and it was nearly like starting over again. We called it Marriage 2.0 and got new rings and everything. I also am still feeling the effects of what it did to him, and also my faith…