meeting the parents went badly 😅 r/AITA 

i agre with you on the last one 100% :D my ex painted his hair blue the day he was gonna meet my parents and i thought "shit but i did not tell him do not do that so" and they think it was funny :D

Hi Shaaba, just a suggestion, I would love if you added chapters for each AITA post section. It would both make it easier to check which post comments are referring to AND make it easier to skip past things that may be triggering in some way. Loving these videos so much

Yesterday was free for me as well, so today is basically monday for me; perfected with an AITA video from you 😊

I agree with you as usual. I was pretty surprised with the responses you read on the last one! Have a lovely day/night! 🙏❤🏳‍🌈🏳‍⚧

For #3, YTA, and Shaaba, I may be able to help you understand why. I'm an American. I'm a very casual person myself and wear shirts with logos and hilarious statements all the time but this was not a casual dinner with friends as you seem to have intimated. This is a first date with you SO's parents. You treat it like a blind date. You are there to make a good impression. There is an expectation, in the US at least, that one dress like one is going to an interview. You don't need to dress like you're going to church in Atlanta but a solid colored shirt (preferably button-up or a polo and yes, you should tuck it in and you need to wear a belt) and dress slacks (or nice jeans if there are no rips, holes or prints). You can probably get away with sneakers (trainers) as long as they're clean. You also better show up with what's called a hostess gift. A bottle of wine, flowers, a dessert, but something to show your respect for being welcomed into someone's home. They're a generation above yours, the same rules do not apply as meeting a friend. You show respect for your partner by seeking their approval and you get that approval by showing that you cared to make a good first impression. He'll eventually be allowed to wear his Iron Maiden shirt at their house but NOT on the first visit. These rules should not have come as a surprise if he was born in the US.

That is so cute 😭

😂 I bet the parents were mortified! But that is so cute

That's such a great memory to have on your wedding day!

😂 please look at your partner on your next anniversary and go " oh my God it's still real." That random kid gave you a lifetime of smiles and laughs in one sentence.

hahaha that's so cute!! We had a few such happy accidental moments at our wedding too (which was also in a folk museum place!) and it's what makes the memories of the day special.

Honestly, I don't think anyone that I've ever taken to meet my parents wore anything other than a t-shirt or a hoodie!

And even if the shirt was maybe not the best choice (tbh I would not choose an Iron Maiden tshirt when I want to make a good first impression - unless I know their parents are die hard Maiden fans lol), if the guy was otherwise polite, well-spoken, kind and treating his GF with respect, it says more about the parents that they are unwilling to look past a choice of clothing

Once I got fired from a job because I didn’t clean shoes during my shifts (I worked as a cleaner at a clothing shop). I didn't know that I had to clean them since they never told me during training or when I was working. And a few days after they told me, I was cleaning the shoes and my supervisor told me I didn't have to clean the shoes. But they told me when they fired me. I was so confused.

I agree. She should have told him if there was a dress code. It's not his fault he didn't know.

Am not sure if she was like "omg this was a disaster!!! We're breaking up" or more of a "babe these are my expectations, you should've read my mind" situation. Where the former is a red flag, the latter may be salvageable with some healthy communication

If u want my boyfriend to dress nice. I tell him. Easy way to prevent it.

Hello, I understand where some of the responders are coming from. I'm 24 Nigerian immigrant living in Canada. I've never had to meet the parents of a significant other, but I feel like the way I was brought up and from what I have seen/heard from the society around me or even social media/media in general, people do dress up (a little) when meeting their SO's parents for the first time. A similar thing occurred with my brother when his girlfriend met my parents. That being said, I agree with your statement. I feel like a. OP knows how her boyfriend dresses on the regular and b. she knows how her parents will react to it. She should definitely have communicated her expectations to him.

​@@E.M.M_A yes, I think that's where the OP mentioning that he and his GF are a mixed race couple comes in, pointing out that they clearly do come from different backgrounds and that he did not grow up within the same community and culture. For his family, maybe meeting the parents is treated as a casual affair, so dressing up would actually feel more out of place. It's unreasonable for the GF to expect him to know what her and her parents' expectations are for the first meeting if she does not communicate them to him.

I dont have NPD, but it was so refreshing to see!

I really appreciate when assholes are called out as being *assholes*, without stigmatizing mental illness or neurodivergence. People are entitled, self-centered or lacking basic empathy, but that has nothing to do with mental illness, and way more with privilege and experiences they never had.

i feel you. I have ADHD and I really get very tired of people saying oh I had an "ADD" moment when they made a mistake or overlooked something. It makes me feel like my actual ADHD is being trivialized.

@@flibbertygibbet I have Major Depressive Disorder. It drives me “insane” when people say “I get depressed sometimes, but I just get over it!” Well good for yooooooo!!! Makes me want to hurl obscenities and heavy objects. 😂

@@glitterspray Pillows are real good for punching and they don't hit back. Mine just gets more fluffy. I'm going to start saying something because trivializing mental illness and neurodivergence has got to stop.

man i felt that. people will get mad at me for not meeting an expectation that THEY DIDN'T COMMUNICATE?? confusing as hell

yeah. i can understand wanting your partner to look nice for meeting your parents, especially if they're the traditional type (which it sounds like these ones are based off their reaction). but if it's that important,, tell them first?? it's pretty hard to meet a standard you don't even know exists…

I agree so much!

Literallyyyyy! It doesn’t make any sense

I really hate the idea that the way people dress says something about how much they respect others. What a strange hill to die on.

Fellow disabled person with a government grant here, I'm so sorry you can't get married to your partner. It sounds like that is something you want to do and it really f*ing sucks that you can't without losing money that helps keep you alive. Your relationship is just as valid with or without a certificate saying you're married. I hope full marriage equality exists soon, everywhere! For all us lgbt people as well as disabled people.

I just sighned a petition about making it so that ppl on dsp don't get their funding cut when they move in or get married to someone. I don't know if it will gain traction but its nice to know there are people fighting for it. It needs to be for anyone on centerling because not all disabled people can get dsp but for now ill be super happy if we can just get that through. I really hope you can get married one day and keep your independence rather than having to fully rely on your partners one salery to cover both of you 😑🙃

that sucks so much, i'm so sorry for you both :((( genuine question, can you/have you ever thrown a huge wedding-esque party and celebration of your relationship but without the legal marriage part?

It's absolutely deplorable that the government doesn't treat you as a whole person in that way. This erasing of your personhood as if you're the possession of your spouse if you're disabled is a massive human rights violation and it seriously needs to change immediately.

I am not on the autism spectrum but I also find unwritten rules really stressing

Especially with dress-codes, I am constantly looking up "what to wear to a ---" or "examples of semi-formal." For my friend's birthday last year, I was anxious since it was going to be my first time at a club. After many outfit changes, I picked something that I felt worked for a dinner and then the club after. During the dinner, my friend said "you're the only one not dressed up." I had jeans on but I did not think the overall outfit was giving "casual". Casual for me is sweatpants😅Other ladies had like dresses and skirts on😬 This year, I pulled up more "dressy" with windowpane-plaid dress pants and everyone was dressed more casual. We went to the same restaurant and club🤨 Communicating these things would definitely be helpful.

I think what makes this even worse is that it's often assumed that someone will communicate their feelings through these unwritten rules? Like maybe she didn't tell him because it was a "test" to see if he was serious about her so much that he wanted to try to impress her parents by dressing up. So when he didn't she automatically assumes he isn't serious about her (ie it may not really about her parents' standards at all but things she's absorbed from hearing terrible dating advice and romantic media). These kinds of tests are so toxic for everyone, let alone for us neurodivergent folks with struggle with unwritten social rules in general!

Very much agree! And it makes it more stressful if it’s a multicultural relationship because it’s easier to miss signals/have different expectations

I agree! I'm 34 and I still wear T-shirts with (mostly geeky) prints and I'll probably still wear them when I'm old and wrinkly. They are comfy, they have stuff on them I like and I don't get as warm as in other clothes. I'm still confused about judging people on what they wear anyways. As long as the clothes aren't filthy or stink, I think people are allowed to wear what they want. (After applying common sense in regards of inappropriate words or imagery) My mom wouldn't care at all what kind of clothes a boyfriend of mine would wear at their first meeting - one of the very few positive traits of her, haha. :') But that's all my general mindset of: As long as you aren't hurting anyone you can do and say whatever you want.

Urgh, I hate it when people say they are too old for something! We are all in different stages of our lives independent of how old we are. I play computer games and loves super Mario at the age of 33. If people don't feel like doing these things any more then don't but don't say that you are too old 🙄 I've definitely also met someone who asked me if I wasn't too old to play the Sims.... they did nothing for a living and they did dr*gs 😑

​@@sophiea.k.hafstrm3568 My sibling and I live together, are 31 and 34, and we both love The Sims. ❤

Honestly, I'm always suspicious of places where you're expected to be "better dressed" to attain, I can understand it in a formal meeting or if you're working with public, but other than that, if I have money to get to the Ritz, I'll go to the Ritz with a T-shirt and a jean, thanks. My parents always pressure me to put a shirt for family reunions, but I don't want it anymore, because I think it's stupid ^^

People in my family/area wear t-shirts from babies to 90+ years old. I don’t see the issue.😊

100% agree. Plus, if dress code was so important then it should be clearly communicated and discussed.

My Partner and I often ask "May I come with you like that" (showing the clothes) and the typical answer is "it is clothes so it is perfectly appropiate" (but still I agree, the one having expectations should communicate, and if only adressing when it is to late should be "hey I wish you' d have dressed differently, I am sorry I didnt tell you, but for the next time...")

could you imagine?! 😂

I wonder if the bride would have been okay with that 🤔🤔🤔

"Here comes the baby!"😅

I died reading this. 😂 I pictured some absurd irreverent social commentary cartoon, where someone is pissed off at bridezilla and was like "you know what? I'm just gonna PITCH UP AT HER WEDDING AND HAVE MY DAMN BABY THERE AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES THAT!" And then just arrives and stops, gets down and has the baby super fast when she's midway down the aisle to distract from the bride's big moment, like purposefully😂. Idk what is my brain. 😂

They got some weird notion that they gotta show up in a suit and tie to meet their parents like a job interview. I know people like this. I don't understand. It's just clothes. As long as you aren't an ass and wear something really rude I don't really care.

I was wearing oversized joggers and they were wearing pjs 😂

*Rule of thumb* (per another commenter who has been shitting on the wife in labor one): you wear pajamas to meet your in-laws, unless you plan in advance 3 weeks before meeting

It feels not just like an expectation that privileges neurological & ableist expectations, but is also likely to be full of pitfalls for anyone coming from a different culture or country...? As usual with most AITA instances, complete and open communication is always the key 🤦🏻‍♀️

The wife going into labor would certainly have been worse but it feels kind of alike though's announcing engagement or pregnancy at wedding stories that we jump all over the nonweding person.

​@@orionspero560 but announcement is something you can control the timing. You can't control the labor. And when you announce something, you put the focus on you and people come and congratule you and talk to you during the wedding. When you go to the hospital, you are no longer at the wedding and the reception can continue and everyone will eat and dance and be happy.

​@@orionspero560 If you don't see a difference between event-wide announcements and individual conversations, where do you draw the line? Weddings frequently bring together people who don't see each other often. Are pregnant guests and new parents not allowed to discuss those experiences with anyone else there?

@@snr0n The distinction is pretty easy to tell in hindsight. It is substantially harder to tell in foresight. The rule of thumb is that if it becomes a systemic subject as opposed to a subject in the immediate area and time of the person. Then it is an announcement and therefore a usurpation of the host party. This is especially true of weddings but realistically it is generally true of hosted parties. As far as such a thing as new parents or newly engaged couples the general technique is to make sure the information has been announced sufficiently in advance that it is not gossip. If you have not announced your life event sufficiently in advance of the wedding you should not talk about it at the wedding. Again as a rule of thumb if you have a pregnancy or new baby or engagement or something like that, you should make sure to have a numb stick. To all the wedding guests at least 3 weeks before the wedding if you want to discuss it at the wedding with other wedding guests. P s alternately you can ask the couple's permission beforehand as long as you are prepared to take no for an answer. This is probably a situation that could have had preapproval if it had been discussed in the hypothetical in the weeks leading up to the wedding.

@@orionspero560 announcing a pregnancy or engagement at someone else's wedding is rude AF. However, as long as it wasn't in the middle of the standing at the alter during the ceremony, it's okay to say "My wife just called to tell me that she is in labor. Sorry, I have to go.". To say that that took over the wedding, or ruined it, is absolutely ridiculous! What should have said? My wife's car broke down and I have to go get her, so that the subject matter isn't interesting? Both members of the bridal couple have large and easily bruised egos. I do hope that they are reminded of this if/when they have a child. TBH though, if this is their normal state, I really hope they remain childless. No kid deserves parents who think they are in competition for the attention of others. I've known a few, these people also tend to hold their choice of having a child against the child, and all the resentment of missing out is piled on the kid. Honestly, it's emotionally abusive.

for a LOT of people "meeting the parents" isn't an event. He went just went to her house, where she lives, for dinner. That isn't an event, that's a visit. There are also a lot of people for whom the cultural expectation is different, from what seems to be the expectation that this relationship will ideally end in marriage and that this is like an unspoken way of getting "approval" from the parents to continue. Sometimes the expectation is less literally rooted in those expectations and is more a cultural leftover from those expectations, but it does often seem to be the same people who expect a death threat from their partner's dad or to be immediately asked about how much money they earn. For cultures where marriage isn't the unspoken goal from the first moment, and/or where you aren't expected to get approval from your parents or your partner's parents over who you date or whether you marry them, there's really no reason to treat is so formally. Yes, you want to make a good impression on your partner's loved ones, but as Shaaba said, you want to do it as yourself, not as your job interview persona

I'd honestly mostly cue in my parents, not my bf/gf...

You have great communication skills!

@@bacul165 aw, thanks!!

How is that different in the 1st story than a woman announcing her engagement at your wedding?

@@orionspero560 - Because an engagement announcement generally isn’t time-sensitive and out of the other person’s control. This wasn’t an announcement of pregnancy, it was a notification that a partner went into labour.

@@Rikrobat I can't really accept that distinction making a difference. Specifically I can't see how a labor is more time sensitive to share the news then a preexisting engagement.

@@orionspero560 Not everyone’s labor is hours long, not everyone’s labor is uneventful, and he was the actual father.

@@orionspero560 - Because the partner is literally leaving the wedding in order to be with his partner during the labour process. Based on the post, all he did was tell someone why he was leaving early; he didn’t make a wide announcement to everyone that his wife was in labour. To me, that is completely different than announcing you’re now engaged.

Maybe I too am the AH, but I am positive there are social conventions and rules for meeting the parents and that extends to looking presentable . I’ve never heard of anyone wearing a ratty old shirt for such an important thing. Maybe he doesn’t see it as important. I guess I didn’t think of it as a cultural thing, but to me it’s very VERY ingrained in social norms. It’s not about the clothing, it’s about the effort and what the clothing means. Here’s another example. Yes, obviously you can’t know what someone is thinking if they don’t tell you, but there is a general social etiquette that does apply to certain situations and it does extend to attire. My brother, on his first anniversary with his fiancée (fourth anniversary overall, first anniversary with them being engaged) took his fiancée to a nice steakhouse after he got off work and he got a haircut and put in some effort to look nice and dress up. She showed up in sweats (she didn’t work that day, so it wasn’t like she came straight from work and didn’t have time). He was upset. Obviously he wasn’t rude about it or anything and didn’t let it ruin their night but he did tell her afterwards that it felt like she didn’t put any effort in when he went to the trouble of making the plans and getting the haircut and getting dressed up. Now my sister in law is the sweetest, loveliest woman in the world, but she’s not the most perceptive and she owns like one whole dress that my mom and I took her out and bought for her, she’s not into fancy dressing or wearing makeup and she always has her hair in a bun with a headband, she always looks just the same and she’s a beautiful woman, he wasn’t expecting her to show up clad in jewels and heels and makeup, but he just felt disappointed because it felt like she didn’t care about it or think the day was important (she had all day to get ready or even just throw some black trousers in the wash, a plain solid color blouse, anything but sweats). So I do think that clothing isn’t always about clothing, it’s about the message it conveys. In the case of meeting someone’s parents, you want to make a good impression. The partner went to all the trouble of setting it up and is excited and anxious to introduce the person they love to their parents, but he wasn’t willing to put any effort into his appearance. It’s not like it was a casual thing and he was blindsided, there’s a general social rule that you try and look nice and make a good impression on your partner’s parents. It’s not really about the clothing, but about your willingness to put in effort to do something nice for your partner and to show them, this is important to me and I want to make a good impression on your parents too. Obviously, if something is very important to you it’s best to communicate that. But the most common complaint I hear from straight female friends in relationships is that guys don’t anticipate their needs or understand that it’s not about the specific thing but rather the thought out into it. There’s a stereotype that you’re supposed to read girl’s minds but that’s not the case, what it usually ends up being is that female partners tend (not always obviously but it’s how we’re trained/raised) to go out of their way towards putting effort into anticipating their partner’s needs and putting in effort without being asked, whereas guys tend to wait to be asked to do something OR wait until a problem arises and then solve it as opposed to planning ahead. Obviously this is not always the case and like I said with my brother and his now wife, the dynamic is flipped, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation at all to just want your partner to GET it without having to constantly give them explicit instructions. If it’s really important, communicate it, but it’s so nice when you don’t have to lay out a list and they just anticipate your needs or prepare ahead of time or ask you what you want rather than waiting for you to have to tell them. Making the plans is effort, coordinating the parents is effort, worrying about all three people and the emotions and wanting them to get along and what it means for your future, that’s all effort. The partner is putting in SO MUCH effort, and all he has to do is show up and put in that little bit of effort to look nice. If he shows up in a ratty old t-shirt, that shows his partner that he doesn’t care and that this isn’t as important to him as it is to them:

@@Jellybeansatdusk YTA (also nowhere did it say "ratty old tshirt", its just a fucking tshirt)

@@Jellybeansatdusk honestly I see what you mean too! I’ve been on the other end of what it’s like to be with someone who puts minimal effort into almost everything they do and it’s disappointing. You feel neglected and disrespected. I will always do a bit more than necessary rather than less than in almost every situation, and that includes clothing. If it’s someone’s birthday, not my family or partner’s, I WILL still dress up! Because I want to show how excited and honoured I am to be invited to a birthday. Super interesting AITA situation though! Love that it’s prompting discussion

On the first story, I just can't fathom being focused on whether the attention us still on your enough rather than excited your new nibling is about the arrive!

100% agree, that is exactly how I interpreted it, too!

Absolutely agree, and am surprised no one else here is even considering a cultural miscommunication. I wasn't able to wear "nice" clothes to meet my partner's family the first couple times (weather, largely), but I sure cleaned and polished my boots. Turns out they don't care, but that's a cultural difference of the West Coast to Midwest. Assuming the girlfriend grew up in a culture of higher formality, it likely never occurred to her the partner would wear a band t-shirt. I certainly wouldn't have thought to tell my partner to dress nice for an important dinner, at least until reading these comments.

THANK YOU! You said everything my brain was trying to get at, here, but couldn't quite articulate right now. People need to start realizing how much people often lean on these unspoken societal or cultural norms without ever consciously realizing just how much cultural and/or societal norms can and do sometimes differ even just from one individual family to another-nevermind on a larger scale. People need to stop presuming to know, and stop presuming that other people know, literally ANYTHING that has never expressly been discussed directly between them. If something has not been stated outright = do NOT assume that anybody other than yourself is in-the-know. Some people may be, but that does not guarantee that literally everybody is nor necessarily even should be. 🙂

Very much agree and had this same thought. When I met my Korean in-laws, even they were very well-dressed and made their best effort to show their best side. It’s just a mutual respect thing based on cultural expectations. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I agree! I never thought of it as a Midwestern thing, and my parents are both very liberal, but 100% i would expect that my partner dress nice to meet them formally for the first time and i would 100% dress nicely without being asked and I’ve never heard of anyone wearing a ratty old shirt for such an important thing. Maybe he doesn’t see it as important. I guess I didn’t think of it as a cultural thing, but to me it’s very VERY ingrained in social norms. It’s not about the clothing, it’s about the effort and what the clothing means. Here’s another example. Yes, obviously you can’t know what someone is thinking if they don’t tell you, but there is a general social etiquette that does apply to certain situations and it does extend to attire. My brother, on his first anniversary with his fiancée (fourth anniversary overall, first anniversary with them being engaged) took his fiancée to a nice steakhouse after he got off work and he got a haircut and put in some effort to look nice and dress up. She showed up in sweats (she didn’t work that day, so it wasn’t like she came straight from work and didn’t have time). He was upset. Obviously he wasn’t rude about it or anything and didn’t let it ruin their night but he did tell her afterwards that it felt like she didn’t put any effort in when he went to the trouble of making the plans and getting the haircut and getting dressed up. Now my sister in law is the sweetest, loveliest woman in the world, but she’s not the most perceptive and she owns like one whole dress that my mom and I took her out and bought for her, she’s not into fancy dressing or wearing makeup and she always has her hair in a bun with a headband, she always looks just the same and she’s a beautiful woman, he wasn’t expecting her to show up clad in jewels and heels and makeup, but he just felt disappointed because it felt like she didn’t care about it or think the day was important (she had all day to get ready or even just throw some black trousers in the wash, a plain solid color blouse, anything but sweats). So I do think that clothing isn’t always about clothing, it’s about the message it conveys. In the case of meeting someone’s parents, you want to make a good impression. The partner went to all the trouble of setting it up and is excited and anxious to introduce the person they love to their parents, but he wasn’t willing to put any effort into his appearance. It’s not like it was a casual thing and he was blindsided, there’s a general social rule that you try and look nice and make a good impression on your partner’s parents. It’s not really about the clothing, but about your willingness to put in effort to do something nice for your partner and to show them, this is important to me and I want to make a good impression on your parents too. Obviously, if something is very important to you it’s best to communicate that. But the most common complaint I hear from straight female friends in relationships is that guys don’t anticipate their needs or understand that it’s not about the specific thing but rather the thought out into it. There’s a stereotype that you’re supposed to read girl’s minds but that’s not the case, what it usually ends up being is that female partners tend (not always obviously but it’s how we’re trained/raised) to go out of their way towards putting effort into anticipating their partner’s needs and putting in effort without being asked, whereas guys tend to wait to be asked to do something OR wait until a problem arises and then solve it as opposed to planning ahead. Obviously this is not always the case and like I said with my brother and his now wife, the dynamic is flipped, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation at all to just want your partner to GET it without having to constantly give them explicit instructions. If it’s really important, communicate it, but it’s so nice when you don’t have to lay out a list and they just anticipate your needs or prepare ahead of time or ask you what you want rather than waiting for you to have to tell them. Making the plans is effort, coordinating the parents is effort, worrying about all three people and the emotions and wanting them to get along and what it means for your future, that’s all effort. The partner is putting in SO MUCH effort, and all he has to do is show up and put in that little bit of effort to look nice. If he shows up in a ratty old t-shirt, that shows his partner that he doesn’t care and that this isn’t as important to him as it is to them:

State laws vary on this, but one married person acquiring property has many implications for the other spouse, including property inheritance or rights to the asset in the case of divorce. It seems her sister was well aware of this, however, as her goal was to acquire the house as a pre-martial asset, which her hubby-to-be would have no claim to if they broke up at any point after marriage. So yeah, there is a huge difference in the fact that the person asking the question was already married. I'm surprised that more people don't see why it's that important.

That's a really good point! And I think maybe something that is more nuanced than the discussion thread was catching? Where's the line between "this is a tidied-up version of myself because I consider this an important occasion", and "I'm presenting a fake version of myself rn"? There seemed to be a lot of culture-bound, wealth-biased & neurotypical assumptions being made by the Reddit respondents, tbh... and I don't think many of us would even have caught that if not for those adding theircinput down here in Shaaba's comments section? It just goes to show: checking one's assumptions is always a wise move, whether one's the partner in this situation, the parents, or even the tshirt-wearer! 😜

Maybe I too am the AH, but I am positive there are social conventions and rules for meeting the parents and that extends to looking presentable . I’ve never heard of anyone wearing a ratty old shirt for such an important thing. Maybe he doesn’t see it as important. I guess I didn’t think of it as a cultural thing, but to me it’s very VERY ingrained in social norms. It’s not about the clothing, it’s about the effort and what the clothing means. Here’s another example. Yes, obviously you can’t know what someone is thinking if they don’t tell you, but there is a general social etiquette that does apply to certain situations and it does extend to attire. My brother, on his first anniversary with his fiancée (fourth anniversary overall, first anniversary with them being engaged) took his fiancée to a nice steakhouse after he got off work and he got a haircut and put in some effort to look nice and dress up. She showed up in sweats (she didn’t work that day, so it wasn’t like she came straight from work and didn’t have time). He was upset. Obviously he wasn’t rude about it or anything and didn’t let it ruin their night but he did tell her afterwards that it felt like she didn’t put any effort in when he went to the trouble of making the plans and getting the haircut and getting dressed up. Now my sister in law is the sweetest, loveliest woman in the world, but she’s not the most perceptive and she owns like one whole dress that my mom and I took her out and bought for her, she’s not into fancy dressing or wearing makeup and she always has her hair in a bun with a headband, she always looks just the same and she’s a beautiful woman, he wasn’t expecting her to show up clad in jewels and heels and makeup, but he just felt disappointed because it felt like she didn’t care about it or think the day was important (she had all day to get ready or even just throw some black trousers in the wash, a plain solid color blouse, anything but sweats). So I do think that clothing isn’t always about clothing, it’s about the message it conveys. In the case of meeting someone’s parents, you want to make a good impression. The partner went to all the trouble of setting it up and is excited and anxious to introduce the person they love to their parents, but he wasn’t willing to put any effort into his appearance. It’s not like it was a casual thing and he was blindsided, there’s a general social rule that you try and look nice and make a good impression on your partner’s parents. It’s not really about the clothing, but about your willingness to put in effort to do something nice for your partner and to show them, this is important to me and I want to make a good impression on your parents too. Obviously, if something is very important to you it’s best to communicate that. But the most common complaint I hear from straight female friends in relationships is that guys don’t anticipate their needs or understand that it’s not about the specific thing but rather the thought out into it. There’s a stereotype that you’re supposed to read girl’s minds but that’s not the case, what it usually ends up being is that female partners tend (not always obviously but it’s how we’re trained/raised) to go out of their way towards putting effort into anticipating their partner’s needs and putting in effort without being asked, whereas guys tend to wait to be asked to do something OR wait until a problem arises and then solve it as opposed to planning ahead. Obviously this is not always the case and like I said with my brother and his now wife, the dynamic is flipped, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation at all to just want your partner to GET it without having to constantly give them explicit instructions. If it’s really important, communicate it, but it’s so nice when you don’t have to lay out a list and they just anticipate your needs or prepare ahead of time or ask you what you want rather than waiting for you to have to tell them. Making the plans is effort, coordinating the parents is effort, worrying about all three people and the emotions and wanting them to get along and what it means for your future, that’s all effort. The partner is putting in SO MUCH effort, and all he has to do is show up and put in that little bit of effort to look nice. If he shows up in a ratty old t-shirt, that shows his partner that he doesn’t care and that this isn’t as important to him as it is to them:

@@Jellybeansatdusk You copied and pasted this comment several times..yes, YTA™

it's totally possible that the OP had never been in a serious relationship prior to his current relationship or that his former relationships had different expectations. "traditional" people sometimes assume that everyone must share their values and that if someone was raised AT ALL differently then it's a moral failure on their (or their parents') part. like no dude, not everyone is aware of every tradition and you need to communicate your expectations. like imagine a guest wears white to a wedding. you COULD be a jerk and just assume they're being rude, or you could bring it up privately and find out they had no idea that it's typically considered rude to do so. basically what i'm saying is that OP probably should've asked if he needed to dress a certain way, but his girlfriend should've been careful to communicate expectations to him ahead of time. it was literally just a misunderstanding due to assumed expectations, and i don't think i have to spell out what happens when we assume lol

Maybe I too am the AH, but I am positive there are social conventions and rules for meeting the parents and that extends to looking presentable . I’ve never heard of anyone wearing a ratty old shirt for such an important thing. Maybe he doesn’t see it as important. I guess I didn’t think of it as a cultural thing, but to me it’s very VERY ingrained in social norms. It’s not about the clothing, it’s about the effort and what the clothing means. Here’s another example. Yes, obviously you can’t know what someone is thinking if they don’t tell you, but there is a general social etiquette that does apply to certain situations and it does extend to attire. My brother, on his first anniversary with his fiancée (fourth anniversary overall, first anniversary with them being engaged) took his fiancée to a nice steakhouse after he got off work and he got a haircut and put in some effort to look nice and dress up. She showed up in sweats (she didn’t work that day, so it wasn’t like she came straight from work and didn’t have time). He was upset. Obviously he wasn’t rude about it or anything and didn’t let it ruin their night but he did tell her afterwards that it felt like she didn’t put any effort in when he went to the trouble of making the plans and getting the haircut and getting dressed up. Now my sister in law is the sweetest, loveliest woman in the world, but she’s not the most perceptive and she owns like one whole dress that my mom and I took her out and bought for her, she’s not into fancy dressing or wearing makeup and she always has her hair in a bun with a headband, she always looks just the same and she’s a beautiful woman, he wasn’t expecting her to show up clad in jewels and heels and makeup, but he just felt disappointed because it felt like she didn’t care about it or think the day was important (she had all day to get ready or even just throw some black trousers in the wash, a plain solid color blouse, anything but sweats). So I do think that clothing isn’t always about clothing, it’s about the message it conveys. In the case of meeting someone’s parents, you want to make a good impression. The partner went to all the trouble of setting it up and is excited and anxious to introduce the person they love to their parents, but he wasn’t willing to put any effort into his appearance. It’s not like it was a casual thing and he was blindsided, there’s a general social rule that you try and look nice and make a good impression on your partner’s parents. It’s not really about the clothing, but about your willingness to put in effort to do something nice for your partner and to show them, this is important to me and I want to make a good impression on your parents too. Obviously, if something is very important to you it’s best to communicate that. But the most common complaint I hear from straight female friends in relationships is that guys don’t anticipate their needs or understand that it’s not about the specific thing but rather the thought out into it. There’s a stereotype that you’re supposed to read girl’s minds but that’s not the case, what it usually ends up being is that female partners tend (not always obviously but it’s how we’re trained/raised) to go out of their way towards putting effort into anticipating their partner’s needs and putting in effort without being asked, whereas guys tend to wait to be asked to do something OR wait until a problem arises and then solve it as opposed to planning ahead. Obviously this is not always the case and like I said with my brother and his now wife, the dynamic is flipped, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation at all to just want your partner to GET it without having to constantly give them explicit instructions. If it’s really important, communicate it, but it’s so nice when you don’t have to lay out a list and they just anticipate your needs or prepare ahead of time or ask you what you want rather than waiting for you to have to tell them. Making the plans is effort, coordinating the parents is effort, worrying about all three people and the emotions and wanting them to get along and what it means for your future, that’s all effort. The partner is putting in SO MUCH effort, and all he has to do is show up and put in that little bit of effort to look nice. If he shows up in a ratty old t-shirt, that shows his partner that he doesn’t care and that this isn’t as important to him as it is to them:

That’s exactly what it is! Everyone is like “she’s an asshole for trying to control what you wear” and that’s not it at all. It’s not her trying to control your attire, it’s her wanting you to make an effort to show this is equally important to you as it is to her. Maybe I too am the AH, but I am positive there are social conventions and rules for meeting the parents and that extends to looking presentable . I’ve never heard of anyone wearing a ratty old shirt for such an important thing. Maybe he doesn’t see it as important. I guess I didn’t think of it as a cultural thing, but to me it’s very VERY ingrained in social norms. It’s not about the clothing, it’s about the effort and what the clothing means. Here’s another example. Yes, obviously you can’t know what someone is thinking if they don’t tell you, but there is a general social etiquette that does apply to certain situations and it does extend to attire. My brother, on his first anniversary with his fiancée (fourth anniversary overall, first anniversary with them being engaged) took his fiancée to a nice steakhouse after he got off work and he got a haircut and put in some effort to look nice and dress up. She showed up in sweats (she didn’t work that day, so it wasn’t like she came straight from work and didn’t have time). He was upset. Obviously he wasn’t rude about it or anything and didn’t let it ruin their night but he did tell her afterwards that it felt like she didn’t put any effort in when he went to the trouble of making the plans and getting the haircut and getting dressed up. Now my sister in law is the sweetest, loveliest woman in the world, but she’s not the most perceptive and she owns like one whole dress that my mom and I took her out and bought for her, she’s not into fancy dressing or wearing makeup and she always has her hair in a bun with a headband, she always looks just the same and she’s a beautiful woman, he wasn’t expecting her to show up clad in jewels and heels and makeup, but he just felt disappointed because it felt like she didn’t care about it or think the day was important (she had all day to get ready or even just throw some black trousers in the wash, a plain solid color blouse, anything but sweats). So I do think that clothing isn’t always about clothing, it’s about the message it conveys. In the case of meeting someone’s parents, you want to make a good impression. The partner went to all the trouble of setting it up and is excited and anxious to introduce the person they love to their parents, but he wasn’t willing to put any effort into his appearance. It’s not like it was a casual thing and he was blindsided, there’s a general social rule that you try and look nice and make a good impression on your partner’s parents. It’s not really about the clothing, but about your willingness to put in effort to do something nice for your partner and to show them, this is important to me and I want to make a good impression on your parents too. Obviously, if something is very important to you it’s best to communicate that. But the most common complaint I hear from straight female friends in relationships is that guys don’t anticipate their needs or understand that it’s not about the specific thing but rather the thought out into it. There’s a stereotype that you’re supposed to read girl’s minds but that’s not the case, what it usually ends up being is that female partners tend (not always obviously but it’s how we’re trained/raised) to go out of their way towards putting effort into anticipating their partner’s needs and putting in effort without being asked, whereas guys tend to wait to be asked to do something OR wait until a problem arises and then solve it as opposed to planning ahead. Obviously this is not always the case and like I said with my brother and his now wife, the dynamic is flipped, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation at all to just want your partner to GET it without having to constantly give them explicit instructions. If it’s really important, communicate it, but it’s so nice when you don’t have to lay out a list and they just anticipate your needs or prepare ahead of time or ask you what you want rather than waiting for you to have to tell them. Making the plans is effort, coordinating the parents is effort, worrying about all three people and the emotions and wanting them to get along and what it means for your future, that’s all effort. The partner is putting in SO MUCH effort, and all he has to do is show up and put in that little bit of effort to look nice. If he shows up in a ratty old t-shirt, that shows his partner that he doesn’t care and that this isn’t as important to him as it is to them:

Honestly, to me, meeting a partner's parents isn't a special occasion. I'm a person who enjoys dressing up and does often. I definitely was wearing jeans and a t-shirt when I met my now husband's parents and he when he met mine.

I have a friend who needs this shirtb

Yeah i think this is not about "is it ok to wear a t-shirt for meeting your in laws?" (Because the answer would strongly depend on the people involved) but more about "should have he ask before or should she have told him before". I think it may be a cultural difference in this case

@@__Mist__ It’s usually best to ask your SO if your outfit is ok before you go to important events anyway. 🤔 things often go wrong when people make assumptions.

Maybe I too am the AH, but I am positive there are social conventions and rules for meeting the parents and that extends to looking presentable . I’ve never heard of anyone wearing a ratty old shirt for such an important thing. Maybe he doesn’t see it as important. I guess I didn’t think of it as a cultural thing, but to me it’s very VERY ingrained in social norms. It’s not about the clothing, it’s about the effort and what the clothing means. Here’s another example. Yes, obviously you can’t know what someone is thinking if they don’t tell you, but there is a general social etiquette that does apply to certain situations and it does extend to attire. My brother, on his first anniversary with his fiancée (fourth anniversary overall, first anniversary with them being engaged) took his fiancée to a nice steakhouse after he got off work and he got a haircut and put in some effort to look nice and dress up. She showed up in sweats (she didn’t work that day, so it wasn’t like she came straight from work and didn’t have time). He was upset. Obviously he wasn’t rude about it or anything and didn’t let it ruin their night but he did tell her afterwards that it felt like she didn’t put any effort in when he went to the trouble of making the plans and getting the haircut and getting dressed up. Now my sister in law is the sweetest, loveliest woman in the world, but she’s not the most perceptive and she owns like one whole dress that my mom and I took her out and bought for her, she’s not into fancy dressing or wearing makeup and she always has her hair in a bun with a headband, she always looks just the same and she’s a beautiful woman, he wasn’t expecting her to show up clad in jewels and heels and makeup, but he just felt disappointed because it felt like she didn’t care about it or think the day was important (she had all day to get ready or even just throw some black trousers in the wash, a plain solid color blouse, anything but sweats). So I do think that clothing isn’t always about clothing, it’s about the message it conveys. In the case of meeting someone’s parents, you want to make a good impression. The partner went to all the trouble of setting it up and is excited and anxious to introduce the person they love to their parents, but he wasn’t willing to put any effort into his appearance. It’s not like it was a casual thing and he was blindsided, there’s a general social rule that you try and look nice and make a good impression on your partner’s parents. It’s not really about the clothing, but about your willingness to put in effort to do something nice for your partner and to show them, this is important to me and I want to make a good impression on your parents too. Obviously, if something is very important to you it’s best to communicate that. But the most common complaint I hear from straight female friends in relationships is that guys don’t anticipate their needs or understand that it’s not about the specific thing but rather the thought out into it. There’s a stereotype that you’re supposed to read girl’s minds but that’s not the case, what it usually ends up being is that female partners tend (not always obviously but it’s how we’re trained/raised) to go out of their way towards putting effort into anticipating their partner’s needs and putting in effort without being asked, whereas guys tend to wait to be asked to do something OR wait until a problem arises and then solve it as opposed to planning ahead. Obviously this is not always the case and like I said with my brother and his now wife, the dynamic is flipped, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation at all to just want your partner to GET it without having to constantly give them explicit instructions. If it’s really important, communicate it, but it’s so nice when you don’t have to lay out a list and they just anticipate your needs or prepare ahead of time or ask you what you want rather than waiting for you to have to tell them. Making the plans is effort, coordinating the parents is effort, worrying about all three people and the emotions and wanting them to get along and what it means for your future, that’s all effort. The partner is putting in SO MUCH effort, and all he has to do is show up and put in that little bit of effort to look nice. If he shows up in a ratty old t-shirt, that shows his partner that he doesn’t care and that this isn’t as important to him as it is to them:

Maybe I too am the AH, but I am positive there are social conventions and rules for meeting the parents and that extends to looking presentable . I’ve never heard of anyone wearing a ratty old shirt for such an important thing. Maybe he doesn’t see it as important. I guess I didn’t think of it as a cultural thing, but to me it’s very VERY ingrained in social norms. It’s not about the clothing, it’s about the effort and what the clothing means. Here’s another example. Yes, obviously you can’t know what someone is thinking if they don’t tell you, but there is a general social etiquette that does apply to certain situations and it does extend to attire. My brother, on his first anniversary with his fiancée (fourth anniversary overall, first anniversary with them being engaged) took his fiancée to a nice steakhouse after he got off work and he got a haircut and put in some effort to look nice and dress up. She showed up in sweats (she didn’t work that day, so it wasn’t like she came straight from work and didn’t have time). He was upset. Obviously he wasn’t rude about it or anything and didn’t let it ruin their night but he did tell her afterwards that it felt like she didn’t put any effort in when he went to the trouble of making the plans and getting the haircut and getting dressed up. Now my sister in law is the sweetest, loveliest woman in the world, but she’s not the most perceptive and she owns like one whole dress that my mom and I took her out and bought for her, she’s not into fancy dressing or wearing makeup and she always has her hair in a bun with a headband, she always looks just the same and she’s a beautiful woman, he wasn’t expecting her to show up clad in jewels and heels and makeup, but he just felt disappointed because it felt like she didn’t care about it or think the day was important (she had all day to get ready or even just throw some black trousers in the wash, a plain solid color blouse, anything but sweats). So I do think that clothing isn’t always about clothing, it’s about the message it conveys. In the case of meeting someone’s parents, you want to make a good impression. The partner went to all the trouble of setting it up and is excited and anxious to introduce the person they love to their parents, but he wasn’t willing to put any effort into his appearance. It’s not like it was a casual thing and he was blindsided, there’s a general social rule that you try and look nice and make a good impression on your partner’s parents. It’s not really about the clothing, but about your willingness to put in effort to do something nice for your partner and to show them, this is important to me and I want to make a good impression on your parents too. Obviously, if something is very important to you it’s best to communicate that. But the most common complaint I hear from straight female friends in relationships is that guys don’t anticipate their needs or understand that it’s not about the specific thing but rather the thought out into it. There’s a stereotype that you’re supposed to read girl’s minds but that’s not the case, what it usually ends up being is that female partners tend (not always obviously but it’s how we’re trained/raised) to go out of their way towards putting effort into anticipating their partner’s needs and putting in effort without being asked, whereas guys tend to wait to be asked to do something OR wait until a problem arises and then solve it as opposed to planning ahead. Obviously this is not always the case and like I said with my brother and his now wife, the dynamic is flipped, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation at all to just want your partner to GET it without having to constantly give them explicit instructions. If it’s really important, communicate it, but it’s so nice when you don’t have to lay out a list and they just anticipate your needs or prepare ahead of time or ask you what you want rather than waiting for you to have to tell them. Making the plans is effort, coordinating the parents is effort, worrying about all three people and the emotions and wanting them to get along and what it means for your future, that’s all effort. The partner is putting in SO MUCH effort, and all he has to do is show up and put in that little bit of effort to look nice. If he shows up in a ratty old t-shirt, that shows his partner that he doesn’t care and that this isn’t as important to him as it is to them:

you are TOO KIND 🥺 so sorry I was late to set this one live! x

Who doesn’t love watching Shaaba she gives such kind older sister vibes

15:55 I wonder if the reason the ethnicity was brought up is that there's a belief that Indian parents are more conservative and are going to want the guys that date their daughter to be financially and socially successful. But regardless, she should've communicated to him what her parents would've expected and what would make her feel most comfortable.

Hey, so in case this happens to you in the future: many older people consider meeting the parents of a long term partner as a formal occasion. A little as if you were being tested by the parents to see if you're good enough for their child. That's why people usually dress up for the first meeting. This is especially true as adults (over 25) and in case the partner's parents are conservative. So definitely worth asking a partner about the expected dress code ahead of time.

@@MichiruEll Ooh that's a good tip, specially the testing bit. It is more or less the impression I got but I was never quite sure, you know. Thanks, that was handy.

This is exactly it. Maybe I too am the AH, but I am positive there are social conventions and rules for meeting the parents and that extends to looking presentable . I’ve never heard of anyone wearing a ratty old shirt for such an important thing. Maybe he doesn’t see it as important. I guess I didn’t think of it as a cultural thing, but to me it’s very VERY ingrained in social norms. It’s not about the clothing, it’s about the effort and what the clothing means. Here’s another example. Yes, obviously you can’t know what someone is thinking if they don’t tell you, but there is a general social etiquette that does apply to certain situations and it does extend to attire. My brother, on his first anniversary with his fiancée (fourth anniversary overall, first anniversary with them being engaged) took his fiancée to a nice steakhouse after he got off work and he got a haircut and put in some effort to look nice and dress up. She showed up in sweats (she didn’t work that day, so it wasn’t like she came straight from work and didn’t have time). He was upset. Obviously he wasn’t rude about it or anything and didn’t let it ruin their night but he did tell her afterwards that it felt like she didn’t put any effort in when he went to the trouble of making the plans and getting the haircut and getting dressed up. Now my sister in law is the sweetest, loveliest woman in the world, but she’s not the most perceptive and she owns like one whole dress that my mom and I took her out and bought for her, she’s not into fancy dressing or wearing makeup and she always has her hair in a bun with a headband, she always looks just the same and she’s a beautiful woman, he wasn’t expecting her to show up clad in jewels and heels and makeup, but he just felt disappointed because it felt like she didn’t care about it or think the day was important (she had all day to get ready or even just throw some black trousers in the wash, a plain solid color blouse, anything but sweats). So I do think that clothing isn’t always about clothing, it’s about the message it conveys. In the case of meeting someone’s parents, you want to make a good impression. The partner went to all the trouble of setting it up and is excited and anxious to introduce the person they love to their parents, but he wasn’t willing to put any effort into his appearance. It’s not like it was a casual thing and he was blindsided, there’s a general social rule that you try and look nice and make a good impression on your partner’s parents. It’s not really about the clothing, but about your willingness to put in effort to do something nice for your partner and to show them, this is important to me and I want to make a good impression on your parents too. Obviously, if something is very important to you it’s best to communicate that. But the most common complaint I hear from straight female friends in relationships is that guys don’t anticipate their needs or understand that it’s not about the specific thing but rather the thought out into it. There’s a stereotype that you’re supposed to read girl’s minds but that’s not the case, what it usually ends up being is that female partners tend (not always obviously but it’s how we’re trained/raised) to go out of their way towards putting effort into anticipating their partner’s needs and putting in effort without being asked, whereas guys tend to wait to be asked to do something OR wait until a problem arises and then solve it as opposed to planning ahead. Obviously this is not always the case and like I said with my brother and his now wife, the dynamic is flipped, but I don’t think it’s an unreasonable expectation at all to just want your partner to GET it without having to constantly give them explicit instructions. If it’s really important, communicate it, but it’s so nice when you don’t have to lay out a list and they just anticipate your needs or prepare ahead of time or ask you what you want rather than waiting for you to have to tell them. Making the plans is effort, coordinating the parents is effort, worrying about all three people and the emotions and wanting them to get along and what it means for your future, that’s all effort. The partner is putting in SO MUCH effort, and all he has to do is show up and put in that little bit of effort to look nice. If he shows up in a ratty old t-shirt, that shows his partner that he doesn’t care and that this isn’t as important to him as it is to them: