My name is Xanthe Wyse. I changed my name legally so have more distance for my son's privacy.
My son was diagnosed Aspergers autism (now called Autism Spectrum Disorder, ASD), Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Tic Disorder at 6 years old with anxious temperament and obsessive personality.
Challenging to parent but clincians said traits can be rewarded in the workplace as an adult.
Meltdowns was one of the most challenging aspects. He had severe meltdowns as a child. Personally I would never show publicly my son's meltdowns as very vulnerable. I only filmed a few for the clinicians who did the diagnosis.
During his meltdowns, he completely lost control no matter where he was. Extremely loud high pitched screaming, falling on ground with arms and legs paddling. No sense of where he was. Later, with bullying and unfair and unreasonable restraints by teachers, he went more into 'fight' with fight/flight/freeze response and started hitting and punching too (with me usually being the target as the main caregiver).
In this video, I mainly focussed on how I parented to try and reduce meltdowns. I was his primary caregiver until age around 12 years. I don't see him often now but he has only had 1 meltdown as a teen with me. We get on well together.
I think an authoritative (calm assertive) parenting style works better than an authoritarian (bossy) or permissive (too much free reign) parenting style. Consistent and clear boundaries helps reduce anxiety. 'Challenging to parent' style children tend to test boundaries more and are more anxious if they're not consistent.
I found the book 'The Explosive Child' by Dr Greene to be helpful.
I tried to avoid meltdowns and chose my battles. Risked a meltdown if it was important. If a meltdown happened, tried to stay calm and not dialogue (during a 'true' meltdown which is more than a temper tantrum, they cannot hear you anyway, and are unable to reason in that state and talking adds more stimulus and stress and makes things worse). Avoided restraint unless absolutely necessarily. His meltdowns reduced when I did a restraint one time which held his upper body still and allowed him to thrash out the hyperarousal energy with his arms and legs. He never hit me again and they fizzed out soon after.
I noticed his stimming and tics increased with his anxiety levels and higher anxiety was linked to meltdowns. Worked with child psychologists to help him reduce his anxiety and also to recognise early changes that a meltdown brewing. He had permission at any time to take himself away to self-regulate eg do something repetitive like jump on trampoline which also discharged the energy.
I didn't punish for meltdowns (which are more than tantrums - tantrums are stroppy behaviour to try get what one wants; meltdowns are complete loss of control and in my son's case had dissociation also). Best to show no reaction. Talk about things when all calm again rather than when stress.
I also don't agree with smacking, spanking or yelling or taking anger out on children. An assertive voice is best. No nagging. If I confiscated a prized item (rarely needed to), there was typically a meltdown. I confiscated without saying a word, no emotional reaction. Then gave it back when there was compliance. Over things that were really important. It was pretty effective.
He is now 17 and manages his frustrations well now. Improved so much that he doesn't believe he has Aspergers and ADHD. It's possible he no longer even meets the criteria anymore. He had social skills training etc when younger.
11 окт 2020
