Midweek with Dr. C- The Anger Between You And A Narcissist 

I do not like my anger. It is nasty. Year ago, I felt so run over by so many people with no knowledge of boundaries, being highly sensitive, and knowing that i was being abused, so it felt like temper fits were the only thing I had to fight back. Of course that only gave the abusers something to deflect to and use against me. But reactive habits are hard to break. I am working hard and making progress. Right now, I just have to have patience with myself. I am so much better than I was two years ago when I first started listening to Dr. Carter.

I learned very quickly not to ask questions or answer questions from a narcissist. All you'll get is rage on either side whether the issue has anything to do with you or not!!!😊

I think that it's when you have to "sit" on the anger and not be able to express those emotions, that they build up inside of you and cause the most damage. I was so afraid of letting lose on my narcissist and more than anything I wanted to give her the "what for" she deserved. But my son and I were homeless and I knew that if I said too much, she had the power to hurt us in more ways than we were already hurting. So I learned how to walk on eggshells, not saying too much when she'd come home from work, sneering at me because she'd had a bad day or she'd gotten mad with somebody at her church and decided to take out her frustrations on me. All of that suppression, all of that pent up anger (at her outrageously childish behavior), just exploded one day and landed me in a hospital for an extended stay. Now that I'm in recovery there are still days when I struggle with post traumatic stress, which takes days or weeks to recover from. How long does it take to get over the things that a narcissist does to you? I wish I could find an answer..

"Why so many family questions in today's stream?" You can escape bosses, co-workers, neighbors, etc. Family is harder to avoid.

@Surviving Narcissism Dr. Les Carter, I am so grateful you survived your accident. You have saved so many victims and I hope you know how appreciated you are. Thank you for sharing and for not only Leading The Team but also being On The Team. Thank you Miguel

"One of us is the problem and it's not me." Perfect. Perfect impression of a Narc.

It is so hard to deal with an adult narc, while he or she is not but a 5-year-old child with a tantrum. Thanks a million Dr. Carter for all your knowledge, efforts and time 🙏

The dark empathy is their super power! It is exactly how one person can take down a family. I never thought it would happen to my own family!

I am pleased to say my gas-lighting detector is now up and running and firmly in place. It came into effect twice this week and I was able to navigate both situations effectively without any anguish. What a nice change that was. One situation was with my doctor regarding an operation that went wrong and the other when I returned a faulty pair of shoes. I called them both out and made them sort it out. As soon as my gas-lighting radar was triggered I stopped listening and started strongly voicing my expectations and I even spoke straight over the top of both of them. I am so pleased. In the past I would have accepted their crap and my situations would have been unresolved. Education is a powerful tool. Keep up the good work Dr. C

Narcissist anger is always a child’s tantrum. I also call it “getting on the train” at full speed - they raise their voice, don’t let get in a word - talk over you, need to control, of course they are NEVER at fault or wrong for anything, in the anger lash, demean, criticize, hurt - anything to bring you down. Not to mention their anger if you confront them in their lie - yikes - what an explosion.

I think I would rather have yelling from a narcissist, because the silent treatment is completely heart-crushing.

The man who abused me for years would claim that my mental issues made him snap. I think it can be hard for an outsider to know 100% sure of who is being abused and who is playing victim. Honestly, when I was living with him, sometimes I thought he was right. I started to believe that I was a bipolar control freak that no one wanted to be around. Its hard to know who I really am at times. Sometimed when Im at a low point, I find myself thinking all of the things he said are true.

I kept my anger inside and suppressed for 50+ years at horrible treatment by my n mom( and dysfunctional fam) and it resulted in hbp, sadness and eventually a small stroke. I am now no contact. In hindsight, expressing my anger at the treatment probably would have led me to nc earlier. I would have been out the other side and working towards a happier existence . Unfortunately, societal values and parental gaslighting kept me suffering inside myself. In hindsight people outside the fam(teachers,friends,relatives) tried to gently encourage me, but I was terrified of backlash from the nc.

I wish ppl realise that silence is golden w toxic characters , grey rockin too 🤩

I must say, I do empathise with the "difficult man, with the bitter wife, who loves therapy". I know this situation. It is difficult when your husband receives narcissistic supply from therapist, you pay the bill and he tells you how the therapist says you need to move on from the pain of his continuing neglect and abuse. Thank you for the videos. Hugs to Gus and the family xxx

I think that reflecting on one's anger is much more helpful than venting. Observing emotions while experiencing them as well. When interacting with the narcissist in real time one can do this spontaneously. "He or she is saying or doing this" and then now my response will be "X" INSTEAD of reacting. Interestingly, there's recognition that you are in control of YOUR responses (independent) of the person's irrational conduct! Our actions are separate from theirs and NOT what is projected upon us. Listening and observing absent mirroring it. 😉

Mine has been a 20 year journey. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family..My father was distant and cold , an alcoholic. My mother was more overt ..Mum improved as she got older. Mum and Dad died within three months of each other. Little did l know just how bad things would become. My two remaining sister's have families ( grown up now) .One sister is overt and the other covert..It's been horrible. No empathy or love. Just cruelty. Some of the stuffs is unbelievable. I was in a coma with severe bilateral pneumonia a few years back and my health has declined..Nobody has helped. It's been difficult to come to terms with. I feel anger. I want to scream at those disgusting human beings. The best thing.....GET AWAY From their evil behaviours..No contact

I missed the live! Hi from New Mexico. Big shift and irony. I received my ex's SS! It came very fast. My life review has deep learning and gratitude. Karma seems real when dealing with a covert. Don't assume things will always be bad. He caused his own death and I have compassion and am deeply grateful for the support now.

I've learned to keep calm and ask them questions about their declarations, i.e., "Why do you feel that way?", "What made you come to that conclusion?" I've gotten complete silence in those moments, or they get so ticked that they can't control and manipulate that they stomp off or leave the room. I keep on topic because they will convolute the conversation with emotionally charged statements and "bunny trails" to try and throw you off balance emotionally and to try and get you to forget what the core of the conversation is about. This is especially true when confronting them and holding them accountable. They LOVE to say, "You, you, you, you..." It's your fault they made the decisions they made. It's your fault that they are experiencing the uncomfortable consequences of their actions, and they are going to make you pay for it.

I have been going through a very painful discard and divorce from my narcissistic wife of 27 years. Your podcasts, videos and books have helped me immensely in healing from her verbal and emotional abuse. Thank you, Les!

Dr C, your vulnerability in your podcast about your accident was so refreshing, imagine a narcissist being able to be that honest and vulnerable!

This was so helpful! Thank you Dr. C. My Dad loves to insult me, especially infront of anyone he's trying to impress, ie. my kids. It got so bad, that I made a rule. That when Mom says it's "Time to go." We GO. No questions, No complaints, we leave. That worked. Our vists were shorter with Grampa. But he got the idea after a while. ❤

MY big take away from yesterday was accomodation is dishonest. Yes, I lose my temper at times when something nasty happens. Much better now at staying calm and away from those who trigger me. Clean anger speaking from MY feelings, not projecting can help me get clear.

What if you NEED to talk about something and they don’t want to talk? Do you just drop it and never get any answers? I tend to ruminate on things until I have an answer and things are solved.

My father and older brother were narcissists. Since I was adopted I never developed a sense of self, an identity. I also was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in my late teens, early twenties. The narcs really transferred all of their shame and dysfunction onto me. I’ve had a lot of trouble in my life with self image and self esteem.

My worst fear now that I’m out of it is snapping at abusive males in public settings & it’s sometimes to defend others… I just react but understand there’s a better way to handle it. If I could only count enough deep breaths & walk away it would end better probably but it’s not that easy to do!

❤ I am a big fan of yours, Dr C, watching and listening from Cork, 🇮🇪 Ireland. Part of your Team healthy.

My adult son asked me not to come to his wedding because is mother, my narc ex, asked if I mind not going to his wedding - it would make his mother uncomfortable. So since it's his wedding, I said it was his call. Of course I was sad but I didn't go. Meanwhile , at the wedding, they told people they couldn't believe I didn't attend my own son's special day. They're each one of those of people.

Dr. Carter; thank you again for such an important video. What I struggle to understand is WHY the narcissist has such anger…

With that stubborn temperamental argumentative competitive narcissist, respond your disagreement blandly once ONLY ONCE (don’t react with emotion ) and that’s it - then STUBBORN silence 🤫 - you “won” because that narcissist didn’t get narcissistic supply from you (your emotional reaction against that narcissist) - that constant lack of narcissistic supply and codependent dance leads to narcissistic collapse of the narcissist You gotta be strong on the inside to respond don’t react and gray rock 🪨 and be assertive and authentic in front of a narcissist (yes it’s “exhausting “ but it’s worth it ) Living or interacting with a narcissist in a healthy assertive way will be the fight of your life because narcissists unconsciously and consciously hates assertiveness and truth and authenticity

You are a good man. A decent human being. I started watching your video's a few days back and your wisdom and how human being's should conduct themselves ,l think we can all learn so much..God bless you. I am so grateful for your decency. It's inspiring ❤

Been there with my narcissistic father basically my entire life or since I was 20yrs old I’m now 52. The older he gets the worse he is. He’s ALWAYS TALKING NEGATIVE ABOUT SOMEONE, ITS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE FAULT. He does the thing that created the problem yet he’ll talk like someone else did it & it’s their fault. It’s completely wrong & mind blowing. I have NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO EXPRESS MY TRUE THOUGHTS OR FEELINGS OUT OF FEAR OF BEING HURT/Consequences..

I've been in places where I shouldn't been because of who I was born to; I choose me. Age is a number! 😀

Dr. C when you said, “Give yourself permission to be a gerk,” I suddenly felt a pressure lift off of me. Thank you kindly.

* No Pleading, no Coaxing, no Convincing * No JADE (Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining) * No DEEP (Defending, Engaging, Explaining, Personalising)

I’m so glad you addressed the topic of the narcissistic grandparent. The scenario presented is identical to what we’re dealing with now and have recently gone no contact with my dad and his covert narc wife and wow, if I thought the narcissistic rage was bad when it was just me, it’s on a whole other level now that it involves my child who seems to be nothing more than a pawn in their narc scheme with grandiosity and manipulation disguised as “love”. I’m sure there’s no shortage of topics in the narcissistic arena but if you have the opportunity to cover this predicament in more depth I would be so appreciative!

You just cannot talk to them you cannot ask them questions you cannot do anything with them and you cannot buy anything for the narcissist.

Bless you, Dr. C 💜 While adversity is certainly tough, it also can forge us into better humans. I always liked the analogy of fire strengthening steel. So glad you had a friend there when you needed it. Thanks again for all you do for us!

I just watched your spotify podcast about Miguel - and I have to say I was moved to tears and so very GRATEFUL for your willingness to share about this very vulnerable time in your life and how very impactful Miquel's time in your life was... I agree with you in thinking he could very well have been an angel in disguise (smile)... what a touching story and VERY inspirational and empowering... brings new hope and strength to carry on in doing what's right in a very hurtful world... one person really CAN and DOES make a huge difference! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Dr. C.

I found when I engaged with him. He talk so loud over me he never heard anything I said anyway

Thank you Dr Carter for this valueable subject of the anger between you and the Narcissist. This really hits home literally for unfortunately my whole family system has so many anger issues and communication is either yelling or silent treatment or triangulation or critizism. Thank you for the tip of writing down your triggers, which might be very helpful. Your book "The Anger Trap" I started once but the letters were so small and so I decided to read "In Sheep's Clothes" from your collegue first. My grandfather mother's side and my grandmother father's side were both tyrants, dominating everyone with their harshness behind closed doors.

Arguing is not having a conversation!

You are the best! Keeping me going...through my narcissistic nightmare! Pamela of SE Oklahoma

I was just thinking about what you said about "venting" and I'd just like to add that in my own life, it has to be coupled with self reflection and being willing and able to take ownership of my own faults and failures - keeping the right balance between the two can be somewhat challenging, though, and that's why it's good to have a friend or therapist to be your sounding board, to help keep you on track... someone who knows your tendencies toward things like self condemnation or the need to blame yourself for your failures, as well as the failures of your abuser.

I so very very much appreciate you & your wisdom Dr. C!! I have decided to adopt you as my father, the father I never had & the father that is the perfect role model of what a father looks like & feels like in my heart. My inner child absolutely adores you & I feel so blessed to finally have such a splendid father figure that I can learn from & put into practice the thoughtful guidance that you are blessing me & so many others with. I just can’t thank you enough how much you have helped me in so many ways… I feel so much gratitude for you & (Gus) & wanted to reach out & let you know how appreciative I am for you sharing so much comfort & wisdom with me. 🙏

Its important to understand about real diagnosis to really do the right thing. Thanks for the CE.

Wow! Unfortunately this figured highly in the raising of our children. Superior all knowing doctor husband had all the answers for “normal”. Disrespect was “normal”. And in fact the motto he gave my oldest daughter was ‘you are better than everyone else “ including his wife and her mother. Now he can’t understand why she dumped her best friends and mother and father. My authority in our home was totally undermined by his superior knowledge. It is still a constant fight.

47:57 I have been very open with some of my feelings with my husband since things have become so stressed. I take ownership for ways I have contributed to our dysfunction, because in a relationship, it takes two to make a problem. Every time… And I mean every time… I do this, he lights into me. He will tell me, I’m toxic, I’m a liar and gaslighting. I didn’t even know what gaslighting was! I had to look it up. That is not me! Why is it that when I’m trying to help us work on issues he tells me what a terrible person I am? It makes me not want to work on my relationship, and it makes me not trust him. How can I talk to him about problems that we have in our relationship without being attacked? He doesn’t say that I can be toxic, I can be a liar, I can gaslight… He tells me that I am these things. He’s not attacking behaviors, he’s attacking me.

I have had all the abuse from above that triggered anger outbursts from my narcissistic husband I didn’t want to blow up

. Sometimes, you have to lose everything, to stand up against wrong . That's just the way it is . Keep your head, it won't be here forever . Keep fighting for right, when you are smoothed by wrong . Fight a good Fight, for righteousness sake . God bless you, don't give up . ~ hard life (MULDEW) .

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and intelligence for those of us who attempt to keep a peaceful, positive and respectful environment, despite the underlying problems which often include anger. “Don’t talk to me like that anymore,” in a calm voice has worked well so far and in the moment. My time listening to your management skills is well worth it!

My narcissistic ex wife just inflicted the punish stage upon me by taking away my cat, stealing away the only thing I had left, knowing the damage it would cause me under the guise of it "being her right" because of legal owner ship- which is true, but after almost two years of it not being something she'd do, now, after I started healing, she chose to strike. I fear what may come next, because I have nothing left, yet I remain fearful. Thanks to team Healthy for being my compassionate compass through all of this ❤

Dr.C do narcissists realize that you might see how fake they are whenever they put on that mask & love-bomb other people like neighbors for example right in front of you?Or do they just kind of forget about this possibility because they're so fixated on getting narcissistic supply from a different potential source?My narcissist dad has always been really nice toward people outside of the house but treated my mom & I like dirt🤢.Thanks for your time.

I just listened to the podcast. It made me cry right with you. What a journey you went through and the blessing of Miguel. There are many good people out there. As survivors of Narcissistic abuse let's shed that negative influence and bring back our true selves. Use our kindness to help others. Pamela of SE Oklahoma

That's where I made the mistake with my son Unknownly letting my mother raise him. She wanted to raise him. Maybe it was a way to control. Now. I think so

I have always been the joke in his mouth and the ridicule makes me angry. Barely human anymore.

Always a pleasure

I had to suppress the anger many times. He would always get louder and nastier, and this was a guy who caused me to have to have my scalp stapled together once.

Thank you for sharing your story about Miguel on the podcast. I remember you mentioned him in a past video which showed a photograph of you in the hospital bed and Miguel next to the bed. I didn't recognize you at age 26 with dark brown hair. I am so glad you had that experience. I believe your life would have been completely different otherwise, and therefore so would mine and everyone else's here. Maybe he really was an angel. Maybe you were his protégé.

be angry and sin not... feel the anger and make a wise decision about how to act. knowing a wise decision is the game plan of maturity. acting as an adult often takes time because we were raised, surrounded by and modeled very immature people.

Dr.C, I’m dealing with my entire family of origin plus their children( nieces , nephews) Since going no contact with my highly N mother my siblings dropped me and support her, knowing full well what she’s done to all of us ( her children) Almost two years now and they even have ignored my children’s bdays , as well as my 50th last January. ( not that I care just shows their game) They never stop trying to hurt . Yet I’m not in contact. I’ve done my best at remaining peaceful , silent and grey rock. They’re bullies, and it effects my children now. How will this effect my own kids? Ages 31, 18 and 14. I have been very careful not to talk badly in-front of them yet they have their own opinions, which are fully supportive to me and have seen all their abuse for years. Will they be bitter , or will they have learned well ? I just want them to be ok. Thanks DrC for you continued help ❤

[10:20] Re: "Venting for venting's sake"...Oh my goodness, Dr. C!!!!!! You are SO RIGHT about this! Having gone to the Rader Inst., back in the 90's and a Christian Therapy (both helpful in some respects), both using bataka (or sometimes, plastic kids' baseball) bats to disperse the anger, but NOT knowing how to Process the anger or express it in a healthy manner, has kept me from healthy relations with the people that I love. Even in watching your, 'Covert Narcissism and Post Traumatic Stress Webinar Promo 1', & 'A Narcissistic Provoke-Then-Accuse Game', realized that I STILL am PETRIFIED of confrontation and ANY sort of Conflict. Which [I am so grateful that] when you said, "Conflict is simply going to happen and we're not always going to think the same and you know how you manage that, is going to tell us a whole lot about who you are from the inside out." When you said that, tears came to my eyes, and I started to lovingly rub my upper left arm, and said, "I'm so sorry, honey." And then, "This hurts". Thank you, again, Dr. Carter for pulling back [yet another] layer. My rage is not healthy. It serves no purpose, only leaves me more confused and distressed that that kind of anger could come out of me. Through an emotional flashback [years ago], I realized that I was not allowed to get angry. Needing to learn how to address it on a day-to-day basis ("Healthy life skills") is so eye-opening and enlightening. Thank you. You are a blessing...

I get so angry because I get yelled at consistently, however if I don't engage it seems to make him angry, , why would someone want that reaction from a person that they claim to care sooo much about, I don't get it, never wrong and states that frequently, must be nice to know that you're never wrong eh, fantastic place to be I'm guessing, anyhow I found that I self destruct and I'm almost in the poor house, but then I feel like it'd be a lovely relief to be destitute, but I know inherently it's not, but then nobody would want anything from me

If a victim of narc abuse feels anger starting to get to an unmanageable level they need to seek help. If you act on that anger you are no better than the narc. I believe my narc sister who was caring for our elderly narc mother physically abused her. The hospital suspected it but not enough evidence. I hired home care, my sister fired them. I went to help with home care and sister told me I was not welcome. I tried to phone to give verbal support and she blocked me. I know my narc mom could be maddening but seek help before beating a 90 year old.

He's pushed me so far I scream at him like a banshee. Sometimes it shuts him up and sometimes it gets me hit.

Dr Carter's advice on how to end an argument is excellent. It's timely for us here in Australia where the country is divided on voting yes for an Aboriginal Voice to Parliament I am very weary about talking about it because I feel the no voters are so mean spirited. I try to steer clear and not get pulled in. I also get very upset.

39:46 - Yes give yourself complete and total permission to be a jerk as an option. Feels super weird at first. It shocks them.

Hi from the Pacific Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. Thank you so much Dr. Carter about this session on anger. It was so much needed and we appreciate so much you helping us so much. You are a blessing to all of us.

Dr Carter, thank you!❤️‍🩹🙏🏼🥰‼️

Thank you dr C for all the wisdom it's an eye opener it's really helpful. worlds need people like you ❤

Thank you for your wisdom and support dr Carter❤ God bless you❤

Excellent video!! Got so much out of this one! Thank you Dr C and people asking great questions!

Thank you so much for validating emotional reactions!

Thank you for posting this video! It was quite enlightening and helpful! ❤

Under one thin veneer theres even more thinner veneer of superficiallity!

So heartbreaking when it’s your only child and he married a Narc too 💔 Totally ditched my husband & I

Thank you so very much, you are truly appreciated 🌄

Agree especially about venting. I used to react episodically with screaming. I now think narc ex got a sense of power from it. When I realized what was really happening, that there was malicious intent, I was able to redirect it constructively. Before I did not understand what was going on with that person. If I asked him why he did that he would lie about it with entitlement. Lectures such as yours improve my understanding of past events and how it may affect my current emotions.

Dr. C my father passed away in May of 2022. He was my mothers flying monkey always making excuses for her horrible behavior. They both acted crazy and said some very damaging things to me, my husband, my brother, his wife, and even some of the grandchildren. She spent the last year telling everyone that she was affected more so than any of us by his death because he was her husband, totally invalidating all of our feelings of losing our father. She is now dating (she claims they are just friends, but she’s admitted kissing him) her neighbor and even brushes us off to take his phone calls on her cellphone. Is it normal for a narcissist parent when they lose their flying monkey to move on so fast? Our heads are spinning and we are not yet over losing our dad. I have researched but never found any advice on this.

Loved the podcast...was right there with you on the emotion. I would urge everyone to listen to it.

Thanks dor the video. I have every right to be angry after being digitally r44ppeed, human trafficked, psychological, emotional abuse. He has serious mental problems and it doesn't define me it defines him.

@38:03 mark. I'm just like that person. Thanks for responding 😊

Getting something out of your system doesn't change your directions. Its like an alcoholic saying that drinking a bottle of vodka is going to get the need out of the system. Sure it might work for that moment but that need will rise again. Only finding another healthier way to meet that need is going to put you in a better direction.

The first Two times it happened I did engage with him (son) I don't know how I came to the conclusion that it made me feel terrible. I felt awful. So I just at first who cares but now it's whatever mostly no reaction

Respectfully, the husband who admitted to massive issues and started counseling a FEW months ago needs to give his wife SEVERAL months to see he really has changed versus playing the victim so quickly.

My narc spouse keeps trying to say "we aren't that kind of people" or "we don't like that" and I simply say you might not be this or you may not like whatever but I am not you and I have my own likes, etc

When they can’t control you(which they need to do), they desperately wait for any opportunity to be “punishing” (to these demons, annoying you is punishment) so keep doing what you want. They will soon fade. - The cycle of harassment: love bombing, being critical(hyper), redundantly insulting, rageful (this happens when you really ignoring their inappropriate behaviors) *Each stage has its level of obnoxiousness. The harassment tactics used to spew these cycles are performed usually after you’re done doing something, i.e. When you’re done watching a movie, car will accelerate in the distance. It’s no different from a toddler having to wait until the adult is done conversing with another adult to finally speak. In there case they have to wait until you’re unfocused. If they fail at keeping you in low vibration, then they have to wait until you’re not as focused on something to get attention. This is why when you’re done doing something the noise happens instantly. Ephesians 4: 27 Don’t give the devil any opportunity As long as they’re illegally watching you for mere harassment and as long as you decide to keep living these demons will keep desperately waiting for any opportunity to project negativity. And when you don’t ruin your own life, they latch onto you as some punishment for not self destructing. Forcing you to deal with some type of negativity; they’re annoyance, unwanted communication, criticism, fake love, reoccurring mental abuse, and anything toxic that relates to their agenda of evil doing to a targeted individual. They’re excuse(s) is not valid: Many narcissist will say they’re just trying to help and you don’t get it. When most times they put you in codependent situations, hence, why they are so evasive with the defensive. Plenty word salad. No real logic. However they wish to continue with wickedness. You speak solely on their constant harassment, they switch the subject to: they’re just trying to help??? So this means the invasion of privacy, the repeated agitation, is for that targets better good? Why am I sitting here trying to solve this statement like a math equation but these same people will say if they have to question love then…it don’t make sense. GOD is not the author of confusion. As Tupac said don’t quote me but these haters are here to bring only confusion. They’re trying to stop your natural path with the true Almighty GOD as they play god to control the masses. Help and control is totally different. Ask the right questions-

it seems to take so much energy to live in anger.

Why do narcissists make weird, off the wall comments, then intensely watch for your reaction?

My brother has a disabled adult daughter who is paralyzed and needs fulltime care, which my brother does. I fill in sometimes when he goes out of town for work, even though I am female, 60, have my own family, and am physically disabled myself. The last time there, I noticed I am getting to where I am physically unable to lift or turn my niece - when I calmly approached my brother about what I should do for my niece should he never return one of these days (like the insurance company, the home he chose for her, bank/funds, etc. - like, basically, what to do in the hours/days immediately following, if anything), he flew at me in a firey rage and nearly hit me, screaming in my face, among other things, that his plan is to "not die". When I saw his rage, I just withdrew from the discussion by conceding, "Well, I don't know why Im so worried, shes an adult and can take care of her own arrangements - nothing's wrong with her brain - I don't know why I was even worried" he REALLY flipped out and started screaming, "NO! YOU sign on EVERYTHING for her - YOU are my 'backup' for everything!" I was floored, learning that there was no plan - or rather, the plan was, (should my brother dip out earlier than his daughter), ME left taking care of everything, I exasperatedly said, "Well, I wish you'd told me that!" Because I now know there is no savings, no living arrangement plan, no NOTHING that has been set up for my niece's care if my brother dies (and he will, like we all will - he's almost 70!), some family/friends say I ought to make it implicitly clear to my brother that I am not taking on the responsibility of my niece at my advancing age and physical disability, but I feel like I DID try to discuss it, and am also fearful of saying anything further about it - I'm not obligated to handle any of their personal decisions - and I feel like if I go back and say, "Make OTHER plans" that it's somehow validating the idea that I was EVER in any agreement with that. Truth is, they ARE all adults, my neice is in her 50's - and my brother also has a fully functional adult son, as well, who could easily handle his sister's affairs should something happen to their dad - and if they haven't set up a plan for her after my brother dies, it is not my job or obligation. Sure, I'll always help my niece, but I'm not able to take responsibility for her. Frankly, I don't WANT to bring it up again, even if only to tell him that I'm not his backup or to otherwise clarify my intentions - MY intentions! This incident led to a huge awakening - but I'm at the very front end of this journey. Any ideas? I have heard what those close to the situation think - I'd appreciate some OUTSIDE input. Thanks!

Question for Dr Carter: Would you consider a narcisstic family to be another form of a 'cult'?

Dr. C, Would you please discuss the complicated grief involved in the post no-contact death of a covert/malignant narcissistic parent (mother)? I had to flee the relationship to keep myself out of a psychiatric hospital. My psychiatrist and therapist supported no contact. However, now that the threats to my psychiatric health have come to an end, I still feel tremendous grief, guilt & pain regarding the way I ultimately had to manage the last several years of our lives. I have been focused on survival for so long and now I just feel terribly sad that it had to be that way. Please help me navigate this.

I take it that the man does want to change. But just because he does, it's totally unreasonable for him to expect that she'll believe and accept he's really changing. He will have to prove himself, that he is going to be safe. This will take a lot of time. It's called consequences.

In my family they are all narcissists except for one, but he is highly influenced by the others. I have one nephew who is a born again Christian and he came close to cutting me off. I am concerned with the way he and his wife are bringing up their children within this evangelical cult. They are being home-schooled, and brainwashed. To my mind it's child abuse. My psychologist says that indeed it is child abuse, but I can't say it because they would never speak to me again. It's terrible to have to stand by while these children are being abused in this dreadful cult. I really have to bite my tongue. The wife barely speaks to me. How do I cope with this Dr Carter?

I don’t believe it’s fair for one person to have things the way they want them but not the other person. How should that be handled?

My daughter doesn't want my husband in her 1 year old sons life. She is happy for me to be in their lives but won't allow my husband to visit. I feel I'm between a rock and a hard place. My husband can be very combative and verbally aggressive with me over this issue. I understand why our daughter feels the way she does and I want to be in my grandsons lie and help them in any way I can. I don't know how to negotiate this situation and bring about some kind of peace.

@Surviving Narcissism Thank you for instilling and explaining the 3 No's. It stops the head on assault. However, Q; How do you right the wrong when they then go after you through others. When there is real serious damage going on behind your back?

Not always true. Ask someone who's lived this.

Based on what you said about venting, how do you suggest one releases anger which is a common feeling when one has been practically destroyed by a narc. My marriage to him lasted 7 years until I discarded him. But the truth is that he emotionally discarded me quite a while before I threw him out. Thanks Dr C.

Hi DrC! Listening in small parts as we are in the middle of our town’s big Harvest Homecoming Festival (OM! the local news channel interviewed me as the newest business in the town and I was so stinkin nervous haha!) Anywho, I’m at the part in the video where you are talking about “venting for venting’s sake.” I’ve never “screamed into a pillow” or used a soft bat to pound the couch to release my anger haha but I’ve heard people say it’s very therapeutic. Well… I will have to email you with the story about the encounter I had with the festival officials- wow was it ever unnerving! When they were finished trying to bully me into submission (which did not work btw,) I went to the backroom of my store and thought I would give one of these methods a try. I screamed as loud as I possibly could with the hope that would release my frustration and anxiety. All that actually did was give me a headache. I don’t recommend it haha. I definitely prefer to simply work through it using the skills you’ve taught me 👍🏼 Hope you’re having a great fall in TX! Edited for typos