My Alcoholic Husband Blames Me for His Problems 

I am literally begging women to stop calling bad men good fathers. A drunk is NOT a good father.

If someone is abusive, and blaming me for all their problems, I would help them out by relieving them of the stresses of me and say...✌🏽

As a child of an alcoholic father, I will say: this guy is not a great father. He is far from it. Those kids are going to bear the scars of his abuse for decades, and those scars are only going to get deeper the longer they live with him.

“He’s a good father.” NO HE IS NOT. But I don’t think she is ready to divorce him. She is holding out for a miracle that isn’t going to happen.

I believe alcoholics look for reasons to drink.

Best thing I ever did was quit drinking!

Lady, a man who hits his kid in the head is an ABUSER. Get them out now! 🙁

I had an ex husband that just wanted to blame everyone else for his problems. Divorced him and refused contact with him. My life is SO MUCH BETTER NOW!!

I was with an alcoholic for a few years. I put a firm boundary in place that there was going to be no alcohol in our home, which greatly limited how much he drank. Guess what? He didn’t bring alcohol into our home, but he resented me the whole time. This woman’s husband didn’t WANT to stop drinking. He only did it because he felt backed into a corner and now he resents her for that. Deep down he is still in denial, probably thinks he doesn’t actually have a drinking problem, and is blaming her for all of their marriage problems. WALK AWAY!

That’s what alcoholics do. My father is a former alcoholic blamed me and my mother for all his problems. He was physically and mentally abusive. He is sober now, However after 35 years of being sober he continues to blame others for his problems… I have severed ties with him…

Classic gaslighting. I went through it with an alcoholic girlfriend. And it worked on me for years. She would cheat..it was my fault..she lost her job..it was my fault...She used drugs...it was my fault. And I was so absorbed in the world I would be like "well....damn..maybe it is my fault"? I started therapy and ii helped me see reality and end it. Wasted many years and ending it was hard, but worth it.

I grew up in an abusive environment where I was always in a fearful state of mind, not knowing when an outburst could occur. I ended up suffering from Complex PTSD.

It's not just her verbal fry that's annoying. Good fathers don't subject their children to abuse. Good men don't subject their wives to abuse. She needs to leave.

Thank you, John...good fathers do not get drunk and hit their kid in the head. Also, she needs to get a grip for those kids if not for herself.

I was married to an addict for seven years. Everything was my fault, he relapsed it was my fault. They pick fights to have a reason to drink or take drugs. I left and never looked back. The divorce is almost finalized and I couldn’t be more relieved. Save yourself, save your children. You’ll look back and ask yourself why you didn’t leave sooner. It seems scary but you’ll thank yourself and so will your children. Good luck I know how it can be.

She has a classic sign of abused women in that she comes for help with the question "How can I get him to....." She's been conditioned to believe that if she just tries hard enough or does the correct step, it'll get better. Also, when he does wrong it's "We are really working on our relationship...." This is how women find it hard to get away, the belief is so deep that it's them who needs to fix the situation and that only "bad" women give up on their men.

“Questions of physical but nothing I ever saw”. Parents like this always make me super angry! She is protecting a man that abused her child by insinuating that her child is lying. It’s so sad when I see parents who throw their children under the bus like that!

She'll be so much happier when she leaves. Leave, keep your children safe, go to therapy and heal so you don't enter another relationship like this again.

Typical abuser and as a daughter of an alcoholic who was also abusive to my mother & me he's not a good father. When I grew up I realized how terrible he was I was just too young to notice.

First step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.. I know because I was an alcoholic also.. I pray he gets the help he needs, and I hope you do too 🙏🏼 set boundaries...

It’s him he’s just looking for someone to blame for his problems. It’s hard for someone to admit he can’t drink like a normal human.

As the child of an abusive father and a passive mother, her kids will resent her for the rest of their lives for her weakness in this situation. They’ll pity her, but they’ll never love her or respect her like in a healthy relationship.

This is why women should always be able to earn a living and have the ability to leave. I have always worked.

That's what drunkards do - blame others (wife, mailman, meter-maid, cop, bill clerk ...) for the problems they themselves create.

My alcoholic ex was out of control. Someone has to set boundaries. He “accused “ me of giving him an ultimatum. I told his he could call it whatever he’d wanted. Do this or I’m moving out. After the grief, my only regret was waiting so long. I have so much joy and peace. And a great husband and family.

Is it possible she's "controlling" because with him drunk and checked out, somebody's got to take care of things?

That is called narcissism. Narcissists don’t change

Alcohol is pure evil.

Great words Dr. D. The enabler is the sicker than the alcoholic because they allow this to continue. Best thing is to leave and let them fall.

Off the title; then I'd say, "I believe you. Out of respect for your opinion, I'll get myself and our kids out of the way of your better life. Thank you. Appreciate your honesty. Hope you can respect the space we're taking on your behalf. If we love you better from afar, so be it. We need the kids to be safe and healthy, so we are willing to distance ourselves for as long as it takes."

Just so she knows, as a person who grew up with an alcoholic father who was abusive throughout my whole childhood, I blame both my parents equally. My father never owned up to his problems or abuse and always blames other people or circumstances and I just find it pathetic and cowardly. He's seen sober for over 10 years now but their relationship with me is already damaged. I blame my mother for allowing the abuse to go on for years and not protecting her kids from him. I know she's a victim too but it's hard to sympathize and forgive them for years of abuse and years of enabling the abuse. It's been 15 years since I moved out and I barely talk to my parents. It's hard to respect understand, and love them to this day. Father's aren't to blame for everything. Mothers should remove their kids from households like this no matter what. As a mother myself, I blame her for not fighting for us and not being strong for us.

The drinking is the big elephant in the room. Amanda was treading so carefully around the subject of her husband's drinking. I was married to an alcoholic and I went to Al-Anon upon my husband's doctor's advice. I gave my husband an ultimatum that he check into a hospital and quit drinking or I would leave and file for divorce. I went to Al-Anon for a year and a half. He went into the hospital, but he left before he was supposed to. He appeared sober for about 5 months, but then it started all over again. So I left. Unfortunately, he never quit drinking and it eventually killed him. Sometimes, you have to walk away and your life will get better. P.S. He and I remained friends for the rest of his life and I was at his side when he died in the hospital. He just wouldn't/ couldn't get the monkey off his back.

Run and don't look back! Good fathers don't get drunk and beat their kids! If it happened once, it can happen again!

Dump him and move on!

John nailed it this time. This is exactly how it was in our home.

Those poor children. Being failed by both parents. 💔

There are other groups out there too, but this is the one that I was involved with and in combination with counseling. The thing about Al Anon groups is that you have a group of people who will support you and that you can call on a daily basis as needed or maybe 2 am.........a counselor gives you 45 minute on a weekly basis or so, at a prescribed time and it is the tip of the iceberg. You will learn how to set boundaries and such...........

My dad was an alcoholic and my mom blamed all of their problems on that. She'd always say, "If he would just stop drinking we could have a normal/happy marriage." I told her over and over that she was looking for a scapegoat because she couldn't accept that the drinking was just a symptom of his overall dysfunction. He finally quit drinking 40 years into their marriage and guess what. He was still the same highly dysfunctional person only without a beer in his hand. He started counseling as part and parcel of quitting drinking and was clinically diagnosed as a narcissist (I'd also bet money that he's, if not a full-blown sociopath, definitely has the tendencies). They have been separated for almost 15 years and she still can't fully expel him out of her mental and emotional spaces. It's like she's still surprised over and over again that he can be the way he is. IE He does something underhanded and mean just to hurt her and she's always, "How could somebody DO that to somebody else?" It bothers me because even though she's SO much happier without him and will never reconcile, she still allows herself to expend mental and emotional energy on him (anything from wondering about his general state of health to what his latest *business venture* (get rich quick scheme) might be). I just want her to know what it's like to have a life fully free from him, in every way, even if for just a little while.

The question is why stay with someone who treats you and your kids like that? Why not leave and find some peace in your life?

Addicts never take responsibility

Alcohol was a big part of why my ex and i split. He didnt drink every day, which fooled me for a while - i now know you dont need to drink every day for alcohol to be a problem. He was a weekend binge drinker. He drank every weekend usually so much that he was stumbling drunk. He couldn't express how he felt or what he really thought unless he had been drinking. Which was another red flag looking back. The final straw was when he god stumbling drunk, yet again, at a family gathering and got verbally abusive towards me and made disparaging comments about my 10 year old son. Drunk words are sober thoughts, as the saying goes. I finally broke it off. He needs help and Im not willing to be blamed and abused untill that happens. Or to put my son in harms way.

Please just leave asap. The only regret you may have is that you didn’t do it sooner. There is no gray area here, the right choice is very clear. Don’t entertain the idea that it’s your fault he drinks, that is very ungrateful that despite you tolerating and still being there, he wants to blame you for his irresponsible and shameful behavior. You are probably one of the only couple of people that has still been caring for him to this point. You deserve better, please seek a better life for yourself and your children. 💖

As long as an addict deflects responsabilty there is no recovery chance, for the children sake, leave.

Sadly I had to divorce my husband because of this.

This guy sounds like my alcoholic narcissistic father. It is impossible to ever move forward with someone like that, they are incapable of accepting any responsibility for their own actions. Therapy will only be weaponized against you. An alcoholic parent can also never be a good parent. Kids growing up with a raging drunk in their house is unbelievably damaging to a young mind.

she sounds like me in my last relationship, he was uninterested and mean and everything was my fault 'because it was'

His Self-control, her self-worth, and clarity of their communications. Poor kids, stuck in the middle.

I’m a recovered alcoholic and I was abusing my family. I realized that one day and since that day I stopped because I didn’t want to hurt my family anymore.

So many women call to say how great their husbands or boyfriends are, then proceed to tell the awful things they've done. He can't be a great father if he gets drunk, then hits your kids. He's an awful father, and you are being a terrible mother by allowing your kids around this abusive man.

I just wanted you ma’am not to dance around the conversation… You know what to do… we just find it difficult to do! Think about your children and do it!

Daughter of an alcoholic. My mother stayed for the endless cheating, emotional and verbal @bu$e. It took a toll on her health and I grew up believing that marriage meant misery. I never married. Children watch and listen to what parents model.

"They say I have a drinking problem, but I have no problem drinking at all."

If your therapist does not understand addiction, you will get nowhere. He’s just avoiding the subject so he doesn’t have to deal with his addiction. I left my alcoholic and he is still drinking 20 years later, even though he continuously blamed me for it. I’m not anywhere near him and he’s still drinking. I hope Amanda packed up the kids and left. It is not worth it. 💔 No

This was exactly my dad. My sister, mother and I have been no contact for almost a decade now and he still drinks himself silly, but we are all happy and doing really well now. The type of guy who would loose his mind at spilt milk, litterally happened all the time.

I'm dealing with this now. My boyfriend told me last week in front of my grown daughter that I am the reason he drinks to much. Such a stab in the heart.

Your home *should* feel like your home. You've tried too long, if it doesn't change. If it doesn't change it will not change. The addict doesn't want to change. He wants you to change. If you become his submissive servant and enabler, he hasn't any pressure to change. He sees no need for him to change. He resists the demand that he changes, because he only sees that you should change. So do provide change - he counts in true abusive fashion, on you never to change, for you to stay put, be nagging, miserable, blaming, controlling (choose the adjective), and provide him eternally with a perfect reason to be angry/drinking/irresponsible and then you'll take care of the rest of the house, family, economy, kinship, whatever he has assigned as your duty to to. You are addicted to some thought about the promise you've given him as you married and moved together and got kids. You are addicted to the thought that kids need parents who stay married come what may. You are addicted to the thought that you are not one to give up. You are addicted to the thought that maybe the kids will not thrive if they just have a single mother to raise them. You are addicted to the thought that you are not entitled to a good life after divorce, though divorce is granted to you in law. Replace these thoughts with better, sober thoughts, not influenced by crooked thinking, but very clear thoughts which nobody can "tilt". It is OK to want a divorce for good reasons, years of not thriving is a good reason among many others in you case, a marriage that does not promote the best in you, is a marriage to leave behind. Kids don't need parents to stay married - they need at least one well-functioning person, who seriously takes on the duties and reliable loving relationship of one caring adult. (One who's mind is not constantly occupied with the terror of addiction.) Don't give up on being the best parent you yourself might be, keep working towards the circumstnces which make it possible for you to do your best and take pride in it. You will not give up on your values and ideals - you'll stay decent, honest, kind, organized, reliable, caring, lovable - you'll be like a shore of cliffs against which the ocean of chaos is powerless, you'll stay true to your core. This will teach the children how to manage in life with confidence and determination. A great start to get adult with confidence. In the 90's the male students at an engineering university in Sweden were asked who the person was, that they admired the most - and the majority told that it was their mother, whether or not married, or divorced, or always single. You can be such a mother. You can do it - be that good example, let that thought be your beacon. Addiction and its consequences is only there to dim the light, steal the energy, and make everybody wobbly and dizzy in the head and stomach. Get clearity and peace into your heart and own home, that's the greatest gift to help your kids survive and thrive. New thought: trust in their healthy, strong, and creative core - give that core as nearly 100% of your energy and determination as you can. Find out the means and communicate this clear direction to them. Let the father be responsible what he does and gives - but keep the distance to his tricks. One cannot be soft on addiction. The bucket full of addiction handed over to you will not be handed over to the children, too - you can stop it, with the holy strength of a mother. If there are ups and downs, let them feel your determination. You can do it, and no crap!

It's easier to blame others than himself for the issues he needs to improve.

That is Classic for an alcoholic spouse…

He’s seeking connection through a bottle . He doesn’t know that his actions push people away so he blames this family for not meeting his needs. I’m in a similar boat.

Problem is in this dysfunctional dynamic of abuse and addiction no one is in control or have any control but the addict abuser because they cause chaos and lack accountability everyone in home is working around the chaos just in survival mode. She may try to exert some sort of stability or demands for a better home life but it's not controlling and even if she does handle or have more control over some things it's because someone has to and that false control she has is just again surviving and maneuvering through and around the chaos and eggshells

"No, that's true," she says, oh so casually.4:20. Geezus, mom. We're talking about your kids being battered. Would you display this nonchalance if a neighbor did that to your kids, not even as a regular pattern,but just once? She keeps dismissively saying "i know" to EVERY thing. No, she doesn't. She's completely out to lunch. I wanna call cps on her!!

he threatened to leave, he threatened to stay. Everything is a threat, unless he pays

Remorse is not an apology or an open door to reconciliation

I learned the hard way that it's never a good idea to do couples therapy with an abuser. It's far better to go to therapy alone. Doing so helped me climb out of an abusive marriage.

She needs to get out of denial and set boundaries

Address Codependency Doc. Huge community/resources/information of healing for them. As well FAWNING is a trauma resoonse, classic codependency.

I don't even have to listen to this. You can just read the title and answer, of course he does

The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book says that anger is the alcoholic's biggest offender. No lie! If your husband wants to get better it's one day at a time. If not y'all gotta send him packing with rules carved in stone about the kids and his drinking in their presence.

We did the separation several times he just stayed drunk with his friends

Honestly, I’ve listened to multiple episodes of this podcast today… every single episode is filled with “main character syndrome” sufferer’s. Literally the ENTIRE world is suffering from this.

Disgusted that woman is told being more available for sex would relieve domestic violence

One day at a time... You will find the courage to make whatever decision is right.

I was this woman's kid. And my mom didn't leave. I am 41 now. I am not okay. If you are a mom like mine, like this woman, reading this? LEAVE. It is an awful thing to fear your dad coming home. To run and hide. What time will he be home? Who will he be when he does? Will they fight? Will he throw things? Will he face plant in the kitchen again? Fall down the stairs? I am not safe here. What about tomorrow? How hungover will he be? Will he go through my drawers to steal my allowance again? How safe will I be then when the hangover hits and the rage comes? Will he call my mom a fat pig again today? Will he accuse me of stealing money because he doesn't remember giving it to me drunk? Will he threaten her with CPS? Will he slap me across the face the moment before I walk out the door to go on my first date? I don't want to live with him. I want to die. I don't want this life. I just want to feel safe. Death feels safest. Those were my thoughts, and MANY of them started before middle school. 18 years of this. I was TERRIFIED. What do you think growing up like that does to a growing brain? To a developing nervous system? All that cortisol pumping in your veins. All that adrenaline. FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS. What might it do to your identity? To your ability to believe that you are worthy of love? To your sense of self? The voice in my head? It speaks to me how my dad spoke to us kids and my mom. It is insanely verbally abusive because that's what my father was. The outcome as an adult? I have spent well over $50k on therapy and experimental treatment because I will be battling treatment resistant depression every second of the rest of my life because MY MOM COULDN'T FIND THE WILL TO LEAVE. And she could have. Friends offered. Family. She could have called in a favor. But she stayed. So for you kid's future mental health, don't be my mom. Don't fucking stay.

Some people don’t realize that the absolute classic abuser goes through cycles of sweet loving to monster that blames others. Leave with the kids and whatever he does after that is on him. He failed he got a second chance and now it’s over. God can be his companion now because he lost his family. Every guy gets angry sometimes. A real loser resorts to abuse. I’d never turn on my kids and wife they are the world to me. Things will be so much clearer when you guys are away from his poison long enough.

I said for years my alcoholic husband is a good father. I am so ashamed; he has caused so much damage are children and me. He is a terrible dad. Unfortunately the world doesn’t protect women and children. It just makes up names and excuses for mens behaviour. It used to be shameful to be an alcoholic know we told to feel sorry for them.

I needed to hear this. I thought I was the only one going thru this. Also I truly thought I was crazy that I’m overreacting and that I’m being mean to him.

This marriage needs to end

Nah just leave hun.

Women stay because they feel between a rock & hard place ,if they don’t have the finances or support to leave, especially with children involved, my experience family turned on me for leaving my husband had them all convinced there was something wrong with me. Even though they all know he drinks they didn’t live with the constant drinking and wanting to argue daily . There was no physical abuse verbal and abandonment from alcohol as he was never present in his drunkenness

This woman is in so much denial, starting with her claim that a man who gets drunk and hits his child is a good father. Maybe even worse than that is her attempt to deny it and hedge around the fact her husband hit her son on the head: she didn't see it herself, so maybe her son is lying and it never happened! She'll end up alienating her own children, who are already aware that she's not really willing to protect them. What a tragedy in the making.

An alcoholic will always find a reason to drink, and it's always someone else and what they've done/said/even thought but never vocalized. Staying with an abusive man that takes it out on the kids will put your children's lives in danger, not to mention their mental health. LEAVE.

My dad hit me lots of times. Of course I deserved it everytime.

She making excuses to stay by saying he is a “good father”. No he isn’t - he is teaching his kids that this is a “normal” way to live, and SHE is teaching the kids that putting up with that type of crap is normal!

I really like the shorter clips

let him get with someone else and it will b the same

Once you understand that alcoholism is a disease, you can treat the alcoholic, the alcoholism and those effected by their alcoholism with twelve step work, God and service instead of nagging, threats and co-dependency. Pray for this woman. ✝️🚫🥃

This is difficult to listen to 😞

Of course he is going to blame her. That’s what drunks do. I was the cause of alllll my ex husband’s problems - he had no clue he brought them in himself. It was daily torment and divorcing his azz was the best thing I ever did. Now, he has a neurological condition and he is a shut in. That’s what happens when you abuse alcohol and drugs for most of your life.

I'm not sure why, but Dr. John seemed to somewhat lob a softball into the situation. She could be the biggest nag this side of the Mississippi, but that gives him no right to in any way harm her, and especially their child. Only when he fully deals with his alcoholism and anger will he be fit to be a husband and a father. I'm glad the Dr. brought up coming up with an ultimatum, even though the husband gets to have one, as well. I hope she gets enough strength to implement one, then follow through. If he keeps bringing excuses, then maybe the separation should be a bit longer. Unless and until he admits responsibility for his wrongdoing, it's only going to get worse. I hope this call was enough to wake this wife up. No separation or divorce is easy, but living with an alcoholic abuser is worse. Praying for all involved.

Master manipulator with an addiction. Run girl run! Love yourself and your kids! Save yourself. Your wasting time - life is short. You cant save him or change him .... B brave!

Gross. Alcohol is so bad- it makes people so impossibly emotional- on and off of the juice!

Alcoholics are masters of the art of being victims.

Ultimatum time

He has a Thore shirt on?

IDK what she sees in him😊l

That croaky vocal fry voice. Stop it!

Too much vocal fry.

Welcome to gaslighting and blaming central. You and you alone are responsible for your decisions; no none is responsible for why you behave the way you do! Take responsibility and stop victim blaming.

You probably were part of the problem

She's pushing, whined and nagged herself into some "boss girl" position and she's wondering why he needs to drink.....now she is being told to make even more demands. Lol. Good luck.