Hi Everyone and Welcome to My Panic & Agoraphobia Recovery Journey!
My name is Joel. I’m 37 and I first developed a fear of traveling and the beginning of a long spiral towards agoraphobia 22 years ago on a trip after having a panic attack that I was sure was going to be the end of my life. After hospitalization and Zoloft, I was sent back into my life with a feeling of dread, a feeling of fear of the world around me and slowly but surely my whole life began collapsing in as my world got smaller and smaller.
At Age 23 I hit rock bottom. Up until then I, like so many others had kept panic & agoraphobia a secret. In many ways I was even keeping it a secret from myself. But on that cold winter day in Wisconsin, my girlfriend asked me to take a walk. I said yes and about a block away from the house I realized i forgot my tranquilizers. At that point, I never left the house without a pharmacy of tranquilizers. My heart started to pound, my hands became sweaty, my mind began to whirl and I felt panic coming on fast. I quickly started to retreat and begged my girlfriend to go back home with me. It was at that moment that I realized I had completely lost my ability to move freely in the world. It was that moment when I realized that I no longer felt safe even one block away from my home. I broke down and cried, I told my girlfriend everything and called my parents. I believed that my whole life was ruined and even worse I believed that it was my fault. How could I have let this get so far. I truly didn’t see anyway that I could recover from this. I felt as if I was trapped inside of my own mind.
But I vowed to try. Somewhere I kept a glimmer of hope. I began reading books on panic and agoraphobia, got therapy and began exposing myself one step at a time. I got a block from the house, 2 blocks, 3 blocks, and the day i got one mile from the house without any safety nets, I cried, this time tears of joy. Every single step that I took farther opened new doors and to me it all felt like a miracle considering where I had been. Eventually over the course of years doing more exposures I went farther and farther and farther. I had a normal life and could do all my daily activities without any safety nets. My world was getting bigger and bigger, I was even flying and taking road trips with the support of clonazepam. But there was still a part me that didn’t believe that I would ever be able to feel completely free of agoraphobia. I believed it was a life sentence and my biggest fear was to get caught stuck somewhere without having clonazepam in my pocket. On a boat, in a rainstorm. I still had nightmares of the hell I experienced in some of those panic attacks.
After 13 years I had made incredible progress, but there was always a part of me that felt like I was destined for more. For those of you who have agoraphobia - you understand how painful it can be emotionally, how much it can limit your life and you also know how incredible it feels to make your world bigger - even one more step. Nothing is more empowering than taking back territory and break through boundaries. Everyone has a different goal, but mine has always been and continues to be the goal to be able to travel anywhere on any modality without any safety mechanisms. To feel completely safe in the world on my own. And that is what this youtube channel is about. It’s about taking the final level in my panic & agoraphobia journey to complete freedom.
I would have never really believed it was possible, until I started diving even deeper into panic and agoraphobia research and stumbled upon Clare Weeks Book - Hope and Help for Anxiety. After 22 years of agoraphobia it was the first time that I truly understood that truly overcoming agoraphobia had nothing to do with not having panic attacks. Real freedom comes from the ability to completely accept the uncomfortable sensations of panic within your body without a shred of resistance. I realized that the moment I am completely accepting of the sensations of panic - I will be Free from the Fear of panic and even better I will be able to create complete freedom from within.
I am calling this final mission: Operation Airplane with the end goal of getting on an airplane with no safety nets whatsoever. I know I’ll cry that day and then it will be about doing it consistently until I feel completely free again like I did before that day at age 15.
I hope that you find this helpful and if you need any support or you can relate, leave a comment or reach out.
I know you understand what living with panic & agoraphobia is like and I want you to know that my heart is with you. No one should suffer with this alone. Every step you take, I am here with you, every time you show up even if things don’t go as planned - I am here with you. Every day you aren’t sure you believe in yourself - I believe in you.
With Intention,
Joel
20 авг 2024
