My Journey with Dermatillomania. 

I feel like people don’t understand how weirdly trance-like a picking episode is. I could be in my bathroom picking for what feels like 5 minutes, check the clock and it’s been an hour.

As a person with severe dermatillomania that affects my self esteem and everyday life .. it needs to be talked about more

When you said “it’s not a pretty mental illness,” I felt that. People are a lot more accepting of some mental illnesses, but a lot of ones that have a physical manifestation are still really looked down on or not understood. Awareness is important!!!

“this thing i’ve struggled with my whole life, i never knew it was a thing.” that is me currently watching this video realizing that there is a good chance i have this as well. thank you for making this video and opening our eyes to it.

Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience on this. I agree more awareness on this needs to be built.

Who else thinks Colleen is such a strong woman like she’s gonna through ADHD anxiety her skin picking disorder and she had a miscarriage there’s no stopping her! 💜

I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone describe this disorder in such a relatable way. The guilt, the satisfaction, and the determination is absolutely the way I would describe it. The months and months of my life, literally, that I’ve wasted accidentally harming myself. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel like you’re speaking my thoughts out loud. The thing that most people won’t even understand, although I think you will, is that listening to your story simultaneously helped, me but also made me want to pick so much. Seriously you are amazing for talking about it.

"Being sucked into a vortex" is by far the best way to describe a session. I made a video about my dermatillomania about a year ago and was so embarrassed when creating the video because its something I have been suffering with for about 10 yrs. My biggest let down is when i confided in my friend and she simply told me to stop... I literally broke down. Its amazing to know you're not alone as there isn't much on the internet about it and i feel isolated by it. Thank you for speaking on it, I am trying my best to stop. its so hard.

Can we just appreciate how Colleen can open up about her disorder? A lot of people struggle with this so it’s very encouraging 🙂

“It’s not a pretty mental illness” thank you, for putting into words something that is so hard to express

i cried so hard watching this. i’ve been picking since i was five, and now i’m 25. i didn’t know this was a disorder either, and now i know i can get help. thank you so much, colleen ❤️

I’m a thirteen year old girl going through the same thing for two years now. I do t remember a day where I haven’t picked at my skin. For me it’s my arms, back, face, chest, legs, and hands. You have no idea how comforting this video was for me. I want to get help so bad but I don’t know how.

never ever have i heard someone put this into words. i have been struggling this for as long as i can remember, it’s part of me. you literally explained the entire thing so so well. thank you

THANK YOU FOR ASKING PEOPLE NOT TO SAY "STOP THAT." It is the most humiliating thing I hear when someone notices me digging a small hole in my face.

God, it's so hard to talk about a compulsive disorder. It's so embarrassing to admit, "yeah, I do this think I know will harm me but I just can't stop." I'm so glad you talked about it and had the courage to share with us even though it can be outright humiliating. Thank you for setting such an amazing example.

I've always lied that I was having a breakout on my face when it was really red and flared up. But in reality I had spent hours in the bathroom picking at my face. I'm so glad I stumbled upon this. Thank you, I feel understood.

I relate so strongly to yelling “please stop! Just stop!” in my head when I’m picking and just feeling helpless.

We may not completely understand (for those of us who haven’t experienced it) but we do sympathize with you. You’re not weird or gross. We are our own worst critics. We love you so much.

I have never heard of this! My 8yr old does this, around her nails. To the point that it bleeds. I always thought it was just a nervous tick. She’s being tested for autism, so I assumed it might have something to do with that. I’m going to bring this up to her doctors! This is really eye opening.

I have trichotillomania and the trance you talk about is SO REAL. Its so hard to explain to people but you describe all of the feelings so well. Thank you for sharing your experience, the shame and embarrassment is some of the worst, so I know how much strength this took 🖤

Oh I wish I could give you a hug 😪 I am so sorry you’re struggling so much with this and I’m sending a crazy amount of love to you xx

Colleen , there is no reason for you to be embarrassed we love you , and we are so proud of you for opening up , we love you so much

I totally felt this, "this thing I've struggled with my whole life, I never knew it was a thing." So, so, SO relatable!! I have OCD, ADHD, clinical depression, and anxiety (yes, I'm a mess! 😇😁) and usually pick out of boredom, my ADHD, and to quiet my anxiety. Like you, Colleen, my picking starts with seeing some imperfection on my skin, usually my face, and I will feel as if I have been in the mirror for 5 minutes when, in all actuality, it has been 2+ hours, and my face will be exponentially red and inflamed. EMBARRASSING! I will isolate myself in fear of other people seeing the aftermath of my over picking. Again, like you, I will be in a 'trance-like state' where the world around me doesn't exist; I am only fixated on the thing I'm picking...i will constantly and repeatedly tell myself just one more and I'm done, but that NEVER happens. I have had multiple cases of cellulitis, abscesses, and folliculitis due to my picking. Colleen, thank you so much for making and posting this video! It's nice to know that my identical twin sister and I are not alone!

I've lived with this for over 10 years and I've only ever told 2 people. Its incredibly embarrassing and shameful. Thank you for sharing this and raising education. I appreciate your transparency.

Colleen, I feel like I can say for this whole comment section that we are NOT disgusted by you nor think you’re a freak. We love you, care for you, and wish we could give you a hug. 💕💕

im so proud of colleen for opening up about this.

First of all, I wanted to say thank you for sharing this with the world! I’ve been like this for at least…5-6 years now. It’s not fun. My parents will tell me constantly not to pick at my face. My mom will yell at me. Telling me I might as well just put a knife to my face. She doesn’t understand how that makes me fell. It makes me feel… alone. Hurt. Disgusting. Crazy. I have never been diagnosed with dermatillomania. I do want to get checked by a dermatologist though for it. It’s somthing that when other people hear me say I think I have it, they laugh. It’s not fun. It’s destroyed my body. The skin on my toes is hard and scabby. My knees are covered in scabs. I have a dent in my hand from picking at a wound. I have 4 scabs on my head. Those are the worst. I feel.. some sort of relief when I pick. Whether it’s my hand,fingernails,arms,legs, or head, it’s somthing of a routine to me. And I wish I could stop. I’ve tried. And failed. And tried and failed. And tried and failed. And tried and failed! It’s somthing that people that do not have this condition do not understand. I want to say thank you again for just opening up. Because before I saw this video, I felt like a complete outcast. A weirdo. But this makes me realize that I’m not the only one! That I’m not crazy. That there are others going through the same thing as me.

I picked my scalp as an adolescent when I was watching tv/zoning out/bored, have always bit the skin around my finger nails, bite my nails, pick pimples to the point of bleeding and scarring and lose track of time when doing it. It’s SO HARD TO STOP. I’ve been picking my scalp so hard lately that my scalp burns in the shower from the hot water; I haven’t ever been there before. Thanks for talking about this and being open-you’re not alone in this!

Colleen, do not EVER hide from this. Don’t feel gross. Don’t feel ashamed. Be you and don’t feel embarrassed. dermatillomania is something you can’t control and you are stronger than it. I’m so proud of how strong you are and I’m so happy that you’re slowly but surely getting better by the day. We love you.

I’m glad she talks about this because it’s so important to inform people about what you’re going through.

I don't even know when I started picking. I literally type and pick at the same time right now. Thank you so much for making this video and helping me realise i am not weak and that I have an disorder. I had people tell me to stop because it pisses them off, but I just hid my fingers under a scarf and went on because i could not just stop. When you said it's not a pretty disorder i felt that to soul, people will be more supportive to those with anxiety or depression but shake heads when i have my fingers covered with blood saying i should just patch up all my fingers, as if I had not tried it many times. You are not alone! Be strong, we will fight this together.

Trying to build up the courage to finally show this video to my mom. I've been struggling with the symptoms of dermatillomania for at least 6 years now but, if I remember correctly, this video was the first time I became aware that it was an actual condition. I haven't been to the doctors yet, mainly out of fear and embarrassment, but a year later I think I'm ready to finally be honest about it and so I'm hoping my mom will watch and try her best to understand because sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in this and no one can see it. thank you for sharing this video - in the year since even though I have not been diagnosed I feel a shred of light after my episodes, during the shame spiral, where I remember that I am not the only one who struggles immensely with skin picking and there is potential treatment out there. we are not weak, and we are not alone. thank you colleen.

Please don't feel embarrassed about your disorder! We appreciate how you're educating everyone about this.

Who would be the un-empathetic jerk who would hear a vulnerable moment like this and say "ew you're weird" or "why don't you just stop?" ...?!? Colleen, if this is what you're experiencing, if it's real for you, then it's real and it deserves compassion. Thank you for sharing.

Girl I have trich and it’s bad. I have bald spots and my hair is so thin and I’m only 30. I feel you. It’s beyond frustrating. Warm hugs. 💛

The emotions you showed in this video are exactly why I have such a hard time with this disease. I cried with you all the while keeping my head up high because you were being strong for the rest of us. Thank you for being vulnerable and letting us out there feel that we aren’t an embarrassment… that there are others experiencing such confusion when we pick but we aren’t alone!

I have dermatillomania too and it is so important for me to hear that I'm not alone. I don't wish it on anyone, ever. But it feels nice to know I'm not the only person in the world who has it. My arms are all scratched up and full of scars, I can barely wear shirts without wearing something over my arms...

You are NOT a freak, Colleen. You are so strong and brave for opening up about this. I’ve been watching you for years and years and I’ve noticed how you feel shameful bringing it up. I’m so proud of you. The frustration you feel is beyond valid. We love you so much.

I’ve struggled with this for years and haven’t really found relief. I recently got acrylic nails for the first time and was unable to pick my skin. It hasn’t resolved my problem, but it has helped!

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. My sister always watches your videos and she noticed that my picking was getting worse. She is so supportive and doesnt make me feel ashamed and she told me bout this video and I am beyond grateful ❤ To hear that someone else not only is going through the same thing but feels the way I do about it, makes me feel sane and kinda at ease.

I’m calling my therapist tomorrow and asking him to help me with this. You did that. Thank you.

I’m 18 and I suffer with dermatillomania ocd and anxiety. Thank you. Just thank you.

I can't imagine how difficult this was to post. I have struggled with skin picking on my fingers for as long as I can remember and I share your feelings of shame and guilt. It is so difficult to hide the calluses, scabs, and broken skin to prevent others from seeing and questioning it. It's a comfort tool that I have had no luck in giving up fully, and I can't image myself ever dealing with anxiety without it. THANK YOU so much for allowing yourself to be so vulnerable in this video, and KNOW that you are not alone. You have a whole team of people suffering from dermatillomania who understand and are here to support you. ❤

Thank you for opening up! There are so many people you are helping!!❤️❤️❤️❤️

This is what courage looks like.

Have you heard about the picking rocks? The rocks with holes covered in glue so you can pick the glue off. They are specifically designed for skin picking disorders.

You are so BRAVE! Thank you for sharing this with thousands of people! You have already helped so many people. Your time and healing will come. You are STRONGER than you think.

Dude. I needed this. You are a hero. There are literally millions of us.

Oh Colleen, I am 53 years old and have struggled with this my whole life. I understand the shame and embarrassment. Please know you aren't alone. ❤

you’re not a freak, you’re not gross. your feelings are valid and i totally understand you. we are all here for you

I have been struggling with this for the last several years! Thanks for sharing and being so open. God bless you.

Oh my god thank you so much Colleen for talking about this. I sat crying though this entire video because I thought I was just weird and weak as well and I do the exact same thing. My mom has noticed and she keeps telling me to stop but I can't. I thought I was just weird or crazy or something but now I'm going to look into this because everything you've described is something I've experienced. Thank you.

As a mental health practitioner, thank you for normalizing this. You’re so strong & brave & I am so proud of you!

I have been dealing with skin picking since I was 8 years old. My "dad" used to scream at me anytime he caught me picking and that made it worse. I'm going to be 24 in July. My fiance has helped me realize when and why I do it. Please don't feel gross, Colleen. We love you so much!

I’ve struggled with what I didn’t know was trichotillomania for 11 years. I lied to everyone around me as to why I had bold spots and my head or my eyebrows and eyelashes were completely missing. I told my family it was allergic reactions because I was embarrassed to admit it to anyone. I didn’t know why I did it and I couldn’t stop doing it. It was mainly on and off where I would have big outburst and pull all my eyebrows and eyelashes off. Recently I’ve been pulling more frequently which is hard since my hair and eyebrows have only just grown back. It’s something that’s really hard to talk about as it took me 10 years to really tell anyone what it really was. I found out that what was happening was actually a disorder when I was 12. It was really hard when I found out. If anyone is reading this and are embarrassed to tell people I just want to tell you it will all be okay. You’re not alone.

Thank you so much for posting this I feel so seen! With your platform it is so good to get this info out there. Thanks Colleen.

As someone who has had OCD and depression for ten years (i’m only 21) I know the shame of feeling like you can’t stop. You’re not alone Colleen and we all love you!

The amount of scars on my face due to this is really sad. It’s so embarrassing to go out in public with actual bleeding holes in my face. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who experiences this.

Good luck on your struggles for this. I and everyone else will be supporting you with this ❤️ You are amazing for having the gut to share this with us. We’ll love you no matter what.

She’s literally saying everything I’ve felt for so long. It makes me so fuckin emotional bc finally someone else experienced it

At 29, I can still picture the moment a classmate loudly told my teacher in 5th grade that my scalp was bleeding from trich. My grandmother tried bribing me with books to stop me from doing it. I didn't need books, I needed a therapist. I needed help.

Can we just give her props for bringing more awareness to a different perspective of mental health disorders. Like some people may not even know that it’s something they can get help for!

you're amazing and thank you for putting in the time to make this video.

Thank you so much for opening up. I can't stop, its embarrassing. I've been doing it since grade school. Mine is connected to my OCD and it feels good knowing that people with a big platform like you are bringing awareness to something that I deal with daily.

you’re the only influencer I’ve ever heard speak about this so openly and it has helped me realize it wasn’t just me and now I can actually start talking about it, thank you so much Colleen🥺

I just want yall to know. I love this woman right here. Colleen Mae Ballinger, she saved my mental health by just being herself throughout this quarantine. I am so grateful to have Colleen as a role model. AND SHE IS AN AMAZING PARENT AND ERIK TOO

Thank you for being so vulnerable to bring awareness to BFRBs. Someone in my life struggles with one and the general public’s reaction is typically very negative!! I hope this helps changes the narrative! Sending my love to you and anyone reading this who can relate. You are so strong ❤️

Thank you for sharing. I had an episode and was in a hole of depression today. When I see you cry, I want to comfort you and reassure you it's not your fault... and it reminds me that I should have that same compassion for myself.

Telling someone with Dermatillomania to just stop picking is like telling someone with an arm to stop having an arm.

the amount of people you’ve already helped just in these comments is remarkable. my heart is with everyone who is working to recover from this. un dia a la vez

You're so brave. You're helping so many people!

Please do not be embarrassed. You are so strong for this and it’s already a huge step of healing. Me and so many other people are so proud of you and we love you ❤️

Girl I have the sister disorder, Trichotillomania. I make sure to tell every single person who says something derogatory or questions why my eyebrows don't match or why my eyelashes are gone. The only way we'll stop feeling shame is if we educate, educate, *EDUCATE*. Thank you for talking about it.

You’re not alone. I’ve had it since I was a little girl. Not to discourage you, but I’m 52 now, and I don’t fight it anymore. You’re not an idiot. You have so much information about it, that’s hardly an idiot. Anyway, I do it without even noticing it. I only notice when I bleed. Hang in there, Honey. YOU’RE NOT ALONE

Thank you for this. Thank you for being vulnerable, thank you for not only educating but sharing your personal experience despite how difficult. Thank you for making it easier for people like me who struggle with trich and dermatillomania to also share our experiences and thank you for making us feel not so alone!

No need to be embarrassed, I think it is awesome that your opening up, you will for sure help many!

Thank you so much for sharing this, I know how it feels, maybe not at the same level, but I used to struggle with something like this, in my personal case cbd helps me alot that I can say it's 95% gone.

People love supporting mental health issues until the "gross" stuff. Oh you support my depression and anxiety and cptsd, but can't understand why I haven't been able to shower or do the dishes this week. They call us gross they just want us to be a idealist version of the tortured soul. No we're humans and suffering.

OMG I literally cannot even explain to you how much it means to me that you, a very famous and beautiful and successful person, are openly talking about this because I have struggled for YEARS and I'm absolutely embarrassed in the same way you are. I'm crying so much right now because I've never in my life seen a public figure say they struggle with this and I'm so happy and relieved to know I'm not as alone as I feel. Like I KNOW other people struggle but its still SO RARE and nobody understands and you have just explained everything so well. THANK YOU. You have made me feel so much better just from sharing your story, and I am also searching for answers as I have been for over a decade now. You are so brave for sharing this because I know how hard it is for me to talk about, it is easily the thing I am most guarded about and even as a very open person it is so difficult for me to open up about. I just want you to know how much the things you say resonated with me and I'm sure many others. Again, thank you Colleen. You have touched me very deeply today.

i really really appreciated u being vulnerable in this, it made me cry. i suffer from skin picking disorder too on my face, and it affects my self confidence so much. picking without realizing, picking for more than hour, to the point of of bleeding and crying. hearing someone else talk about the hardships and unreasonableness of this disorder was so validating, and i appreciated you even filming yourself after an episode, because it truly does feel like that

This is why i love Colleen. She opens up about stuff most people dont. She opens up about her mental health. Some people dont have enough courage to open up

I literally had no idea this was a disorder until now. I always thought I was so gross for doing it and never understood why it was so hard to stop

wait hearing you talk about how it starts for you each time and what the experience feels like was so comforting to hear. this has been my literal exact experience. you summed it up like you know me and i feel so comforted and known. thank you so much for sharing this colleen.

Thanks for coming up with this video! I have never struggled with this but I am so happy to hear about this and it needs to be more addressed💜

"well stop picking your skin!?" "well stop having anxiety" "Well STOP JUDGING PEOPLE FOR THINGS THEY CANT CONTROL!"

My friend has this and her husband of 15 years divorced her. He got custody of the kids because he used this against her. She said she regretted letting him know, because he used it against her. She's doing better now but I think its so wrong to use disorders against people. It doesn't stop you from being a good parent. It's so disrespectful to the person suffering

I haven’t watched your content in a while. For no particular reason. But I’m so glad I came across this video. Thank you. It’s nice to have a name for this.

To a few of us, this IS relatable, Colleen. Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience with this. As someone who has been suffering for years, your strength has inspired me to talk more candidly about my experiences.

For anyone reading this and struggling with the condition - the most important thing is to forgive yourself every single time, do not blame yourself ever. Imagine you are your own best friend - would you be so hard on them? Take all the help you can get from people around you. You will overcome this. Love and blessings

I have trichotillamania. I wish I was able to post this and feel confident telling people about this. I can’t stop and haven’t been able to since I was 10. I am crying right now because I know this so deeply. You have a friend in me and an ally as we need more people who are open about this.

If anyone would ever comment something like that, they should be ashamed of themselves. You are amazing ♥️

This was the most helpful video I’ve seen with dermatillomania. Thank you for sharing because this makes me not feel so alone in my struggle with it as well.

As someone who has never been informed on this disorder, I do not feel any judgement towards you. Not a single ounce. Thank you so much for bringing light to this, mental health stigmas need to be broken. Stay strong my love ❤️ praying for guidance and strength

One of my service dogs tasks was interrupting my compulsive behaviors, including skin picking and hair pulling

I used to struggle with trichotillomania in middle school to the point of having bald patches all over my head that my mom noticed one day. After that, she helped me brush my hair out and part it in a way to try to cover up the bald patches in middle school or else I’d wear it in a ponytail often. My scalp would hurt and I felt so embarrassed whenever I went to get a hair cut and the hair dresser asked why I had so many short tufts of hair growing out all over the place. Somehow I was able to stop and to this day, I may catch myself starting and then try to distract myself with something else. I feel for you and am wishing you all the best❤️

Thank you for making this video. I'm only seeing it now, 2 years later, but this is the best video I've seen about dermatillomania. What you describe in terms of the urges, the ups and downs of emotions (dopamine, shame), everything is also what I go through daily. You mentioned a few times in this video that it's not relatable but it TOTALLY is. I could probably be speaking to the President or the King of England and I'd still be picking at my skin. It's just so unstoppable. Glad you have found therapy for this. I haven't had the courage to go to therapy on this topic, because my skin picking is such a security blanket for me, despite the shame, guilt, uncontrollable nature. I hope even after 2 years you are reaching people and really making a difference, thanks for sharing and for your vulnerability.

I love how open Colleen is about her disorder, her life, her concerns, her insecurities. I think it helps a lot of people who deal with the same issues. Especially knowing that we aren't overly sensitive or dramatic for feeling a certain way :)

I have trichotillomania and not enough people talk about bfrb's and their experiences. That's why so many people don't understand what we're going through. "just stop pulling", "that's so weird ew", "no way that's real" to name a few things I and many others with bfrb's have to hear all the Time... So thank you. 🖤🖤

You are a ROCKSTAR for sharing this...you are NOT the only one!

Oh my god.. you have said eeeverything i have been going through, ıt's so nice to hear that other people also know what it is. You definetly are not alone.Thank you Colleen 🙏