As a new/1st time mom, I can comfortably say NTJ. You don't just take a baby from someone's house in the middle of the night!! I'd have called the police and pressed charges!! And as for giving formula when a baby is on breast milk, babies can have very sensitive stomachs and switching their food suddenly can cause digestive issues, upset their tummy, and they could have an allergy to an ingredient in the formula. So I say again, totally not the jerk
As parent 2 times I can say that switching from breast milk to formula can be a major problem. My wife would pump and leave the milk to be given to my daughter. Something happened and my mother was forced to feed our daughter some formula we had just in case. My daughters stomach didn’t take the formula too well. Every doctor we spoke to said stick with one formula or breast milk and never switches it can upset their stomachs especially when they are new born.
@@rjgaynor8 2 kids here as well, and it's not just switching from breast milk to formula but also different brands of formula too. My (ex) wife wasn't able to breast feed so both my kids were formula fed and I remember running out at one point and couldn't find the brand we always used so was forced to get a different one. As soon as the following diaper change I decided it was best to continue hunting for our regular brand which took 3 days. 3 days of near constant crying and diaper changes you would only experience in nightmares
@@acidsnail4573 that’s what I was trying to imply. You stick with one brand and type of formula or breast feeding. My daughter wasn’t too sick, very gassy but the formula definitely affected her diaper for a week.
@@nevduv9990 the other issue from giving formula while breastfeed it isnt un common for the baby to want only formula and not the breastmilk. (Im a mom of 5 and breastfeed and have had this happen with one of my kids)
that mother in law is nuts. the idea that you can take someone elses child to your house without any notice is absolutely insane. even if you think it would be the best thing to do, its not for you to decide. the reaction from the mother is understandable towards the mother in law, while the husband is trying to avoid conflict with his mother which makes sense. if i were the husband id have taken the key back when i went to collect the baby and told her do not come near the house for a few months because youve breached our trust in a way that cant be quickly forgiven.
@Jack Russelle Lewis She didn't offer to help out, she kidnapped the baby in the middle of the night. How would you feel if you wake up and your baby is gone? The mother-in-law is nuts. But the divorce thing is stupid, yes. The poor husband was in a really tough situation.
If you think about it, the OP also did something wrong. She kidnapped the baby from the father when she went to the hotel. Just a thought. Both are wrong imo.
@Jack Russelle Lewis you either don’t have kids or don’t have a brain. If this was my child and my mother I would have called the cops and pressed charges. The husband is an idiot and should have been there for the wife. You can’t just decide to switch to formula or even switch formulas with a new born as well. We had to do it because my wife’s milk got spilled and I can tell you the results aren’t pretty. The husband made a dumb choice here and definitely soured his relationship with his wife. For all the guys reading this; when you leave home and get a wife, your wife is more important than your mother. The reason is simple, your wife can make your life a living hell if you fuck up bad enough. Stop being a mamas boy and grow up.
The problem with the second story is that when a kid has developmental issues to that extent, you *need* a professional caretaker or at the very least a decent education on how to care for them to make it work. Otherwise the kid is constantly frustrated and unhappy, and so is the person taking care of them. They did incidentally walk into the right solution, hiring a professional while both of them work, but the husband ruined it entirely by stealing OP's means of transport to *literally trap her at home twice* . Her husband seemingly never just *asked* her about important things and just assumes her opinions. He assumed she wouldn't stay home for a *scheduled check up* and decided to trap her there. On top of that, he seemingly adopted his niece out of obligation and not actually familial attachment. Otherwise he would've never suggested turning over to the state's care to get his wife back nor would he have just left her care entirely to someone he knew didn't want to. I honestly can't really blame OP throughout any of this except for when she left the kid alone after dinner, but even then at that point she was burnt out and literally bleeding. It's not ableist to be exhausted from having things literally thrown at you all the time or being yelled at during frequent meltdowns. I genuinely believe OP could've gotten along with the niece if there was a professional there long enough to help them. Everyone has a limit, hers was ignored long enough for everything to be ruined.
Story #1: OP had every right to be upset. I can't imagine the terror she felt when she saw her baby was gone. I hope the OP and her husband can come together again since it seems he now realizes that what his mother did was... not just "out of line" but criminal.
This story reminded me of a Mr. Ballen video of another Mother in Law who ALSO had no respect for boundaries. She would enter the house whenever she wanted, no warning. She would alter the house however she wanted. When the baby was born, the wife forced the husband to choose: Mom or me (your wife). He chose his Mom. He moved out. The Mother in Law hired a hitman to murder the daughter-in-law. Custody of the baby was given to the murdered lady's Mother.
My partner and I are buying a house next month (fingers crossed). Mother in Law is down the street and openly despises me. She's a documented liar (I have proof) and body shames my husband 1-2x PER DAY and tells him to starve himself to lose weight (his weight is healthy for his height but he now has pretty strong body dysmorphia and an eating disorder). Anyway, she doesn't understand what boundaries are and says that anyone who asks for privacy is hiding something. I was forced to live with my in-laws for these past 3 years and man due to our culture and my husband's wish to care for his parents (which I admire). My husband and I were born and raised in Canada and are of Indian heritage. This lady would go into my room, move my things around, bring my Brother in Law into my room to show him that I was messy (when I wasn't home). She would touch my laundry (clean AND DIRTY!) and argue with me when I asked her not to. She would go through my trash and "wash" it. I'm talking CLOSED BLACK GARBAGE BAGS in the garage. She would open it and go through it. When my husband and I announced that I'd be going to school full-time to finish my degree (we could more than afford it), my in-laws said no because then I'd be out of the house so much. (I already worked full time since I was 16, and at the time I worked a 9-5 job so there would be NO difference at all). I even tried bargaining with them like an idiot and said I'll choose all my classes on 2-3 days of the week and be home 4 days. They said no. I was 29 when I got married by the way. But we had just gotten married, my husband was waaaay out of my league and I didn't want to fight with them. When I would see my friends ONE DAY PER MONTH, she would criticize how I can spend so much time with them. "What can you talk about for 9 hours?" I have no family here so I wasn't spending time with my Mom and Dad or relatives. I was ONLY seeing my girlfriends ONCE per month. She told me to cut off my friendship with an elderly friend who I had met in Church because she heard from another person in Church that my elderly friend had a temper? I tried to decline but this was RIGHT after we got married and she said, "I haven't asked you for anything, this is the 1st thing I'm asking of you." 2-3 days per week I would cook 5-6 HOURS (prep, cooking, cleaning) and she would openly criticize that I spent too much time in the kitchen. My food is to die for: delicious, fresh, healthy, and I had to cook separate things for my Father in Law and my husband. I would also make enough to last 2-3 days (would freeze some). Have you ever heard of a Mother-in-Law complaining that her daughter spent TOO MUCH TIME cooking fresh food for her family? In the history of mankind, has a Mother-in-Law ever had such a dumbass complaint? She also told me I can't put my clothes in the dryer because my clothes are "too heavy" and the dryer will catch fire. What the fuck? So I bought a drying rack for the house. Then she criticized that I put too FEW clothes in the dryer (underwear, socks, sports bras, pillowcases, towels, etc) and that I wasting electricity (which we pay for). Oh yeah, we pay almost all the house bills. Cellphones for all 4 of us, cable tv (for them), home phone line (for them), internet (for all of us), all tablets and technology, home alarm system, hydro (electricity), home insurance, accountant fees, food, all major home repairs: water heater, smart thermostat, furnace, mold removal + new roof (half of the roof), brand new fridge, all dental bills, all prescriptions, all car repairs, anything and everything they ever want from Amazon... and that's all I can remember right now. OH, and even though WE buy food (even from their Speciality stores), SHE needs a physical receipt to inspect the prices so she can criticize me later on paying 50 cents more for something than I should have. We had 2 gigantic fights about the receipts until my husband finally started shutting her down (at the 2 year mark when he saw all my goodwill efforts were being lost in his un-cooperative and controlling Mother). OH also she asked me about my weight literally every single day for 2 years :) It took me 2 YEARS... 2 FUCKING YEARS TO REALIZE that this lady is out of her God damned mind. I was so naive and such a fucking people-pleaser. They made me feel as if any argument happened in this house, it was because I was bring difficult. NO LADY. YOU are a fucking controlling, angry woman who hides her rage and manipulative nature behind a smile and sweet voice. SORRY FOR WRITING A NOVEL. THIS WAS CATHARTIC. ONCE I STARTED, I COULDN'T STOP. Suffice it to say..... she WILL NOT be getting a key to our new house. And supervised visits with the Grandparents only. I always wondered why their older son and his wife were so distant even though they live close by. THIS IS WHY. THEY lived with my Mother in Law for 4 years before they bought their house. They are distant because this lady is so pushy and takes SO MUCH ADVANTAGE of any inch you give her. I think I hate her.
imo the Op was 100% right to be angry, but wanting to divorce her husband? therapy? not wanting to move back into the house? she overreacted and if i were the husband, i would divorce her.
@@python_blox2335 How the fuck can you say that? The mother-in-law BROKE IN and KIDNAPPED the infant. She could have accidentally killed the baby thinking she was 'helping'.
I swear if I had been in her position I would've been out for blood. The sheer terror from that moment would never leave. I would be utterly terrified of losing my baby every day. and like her would be unable to ever sleep again. I can not imagine the fear she would've gone through.
The fact that the Mother-in-law just happened to have formula on hand tells you that this was premeditated. She planned this! That's a whole different story.
The MIL had repeatedly offered to step in and take care of the baby for a bit, so the formula on hand would fit with her being prepared if the OP had taken her up on the offer. Her having formula is therefore circumstantial evidence. Perhaps suspicious, but not enough to establish anything beyond a reasonable doubt.
I would not allow my newborn to stay with someone like that, I don't give formula to my babies. To me a breastfed only should not get pformula if mom doesn't want to give formula Dad should suppert mom, because breastfeeding isn't alwas easy, and it's a learning curve
1st story: NTA, the MIL cross a major boundary. OP was not overreacting, she decline MIL's offer and MIL went on with it and scared the daylight out of her. 2nd Story: NTA, OP and the Husband are not capable to provide care for the niece. The husband should've searched a place for her that will give her what she needed or give her to the state. The husband went too far by stealing her keys and passports.
Agree with the second one. Maybe if the husband again just talked with his wife before taking the niece in they could have at least used sometime to try to learn more about her condition and how to handle it.
i havent heard the end of the story but in my opinion the wife is a bit of a butt hole for asuming that the niece is ungrateful when in reality she is not people with sensory issues and autism struggle with texture and change how would know this because my brother is on the autism spectrum and adhd im adhd and multiple other things yes this is diagnosed one of my best friends struggles with texture and i struggle with texture a little bit aswell
Story one I kind of back the husband only (AND I MEAN ONLY) in the fact he was half asleep. I have done stupid stuff while sleepwalking(idk if the husband was still half asleep or whatever but still) but the husband and wife were both NTA ( I’m assuming that NTA means not the avshole)but the husband could have handled it better
@@butterscotchtim Yeah, I agree. I'm autistic and I have severe issues with change, texture and sensory issues. But I also agree that she should not be responsible for her nieces care because she obviously isn't fit for it. Some people just aren't. And she isn't even her legal parent, so it is wrong to force it upon her. Taking care of a child is a huge responsibility and autistic children are even bigger responsibility. I can safely say that because my parents didn't know how to care for an autistic child (even though I've been diagnosed) they messed me up for life. I can only hope that the niece gets the care she needs one way or the other
Story 2: NTJ. The husband knew about the OPs past of having a gaslighting father, and did everything that he did anyway. Trust is very fragile. It takes a long time to build and can be very easy to break. They were together for a total of 16 years. One year marriage and 15 years dating. Skirting responsibility when you promise to take care of everything is never ok. It's like having a baby and passing full time responsibility and care of it to your in laws or someone else.
that story with the autistic niece hit home. i have witnesses a similar situation and i can guarantee i will not take on that level of responsibility on my own. i have seen how needing to provide constant care for someone causes immense stress and can destroy a person when theyre left on their own to handle it. paying someone to help in these situaitons is expensive for a good reason and do not underestimate how much of a strain it can put on you.
I am autistic and the levels of disrespect and uncaring love from this guy isn't even funny like he was ready to discard the niece to try and save his marriage like bro! You serious?! You should learn a thing or two from your wife! She only asked that you go and talk to her about this things first before jumping the gun! And the fact he was gonna sacrifice the Niece probably nailed the coffin for this sorry excuse of a human being i just hope the Niece grows up finding out that her Uncle was ready to toss her into the dumpster to save his marriage
@@erichanastacio9695 that doesn't work if she isn't interested. Taking care of a very disabled, very special needs child is no breeze. I know this, I'm mildly autistic, perfectly capable to take of myself, but I will be ready likely at age 23-25 to move out, and I sometimes babysit my non-functional nephew. He is special needs too, and refuses to let you feed him or drink him, unless you're his mother, so I trick him with the food, but you literally have to force the baby bottle🍼into his mouth and twist and hold it there, or else he doesn't drink.
Mom that has breastfed two babies here: Breastfeeding works on supply and demand. At 4 weeks old you are still establishing your supply and it’s crucial to feed baby on demand (about every 2 hours; they generally wake up when they’re hungry). The MIL taking the baby could have affected her supply and future breastfeeding journey with her baby.
My mother wishes that she could have breastfed me but I couldn't breastfeed and then I got sick off of most of the baby formula that she tried. Finally, a care nurse had to be called in to do the feeding and they found that I could have the formula that was thickened with buckwheat. However, even then it affected her feeding journey with me and she thought that she was a terrible mother.
Also there is a thing called nipple confusion, the baby gets used to one thing and if you switch to a bottle and try to go back to breastfeeding they might not latch properly anymore. Also formula is digestively harder, but sometimes it’s the only option. I had to supplement with formula because I just couldn’t produce enough. Oh a breastfeeding mom can get all milk heavy if the baby suddenly isn’t feeding. It can be quite painful.
Story 1: I'm impressed that everyone is on OP's side, including the mother and son who realized how wrong they were. MIL really is sick, even the most evil person wouldn't break into someone's house in the middle of the night to steal a baby for a sleepover and tell the parents through text. Everyone is finally being considerate of boundaries, and the ball is in OP's court as it should have been. I'm happy with this outcome and I hope MIL is getting the help she needs too.
Im glad the mother on law actually realized she was a monster and crazy and she was too clingy with her grandchild.Switching a baby's milk from breast milk to formula or formula from a different brand with different ingredients from the baby is used to might upset the stomach
About the last story: I have friends who work in orphanages and one thing they tell me about people who change their minds after taking a kid home is that they don't understand the emotional labor and responsibility that is to raise an orphan because those children are almost all full of traumas from their previous homes or just by being raised without parents and the couple don't understand that before adopt someone. I think the guy might have all the good intentions on doing that but it's easier to delegate everything to his wife and not thinking about making sacrifices for the choice he made by himself, he didn't understand what he signed for when he adopted his niece and didn't want to accept that. The wife have all the right to be mad about him specially because of what he did to sabotage her job because he thinks his job is more important. He was manipulative and coward and I despise people like that. I hope he has changed for his niece sake.
Precisely! Children in orphanages do tend to have trauma, but you get those children with disability, they think they can handle it but they can't. The husband had good intentions, probably hated the thought of his niece having to be given to the system (especially if its in America cause our system is not good at all). He just didn't think it out.
Last story is literally about stealing somebody else's life with out their consent, You can't just make somebody an caretaker and expect them to be ok about it. That relationship is over, it doesn't matter how long they have been together, it actually never matters. Only thing that matters is state of that relationship. You should never be with someone only because you are too scared to be alone. You can't find new happiness when you live in a limbo, so get rid of him, life is too short to waste by being with someone like him.
she was a stay at home mom and litterally was about to sacrifise her career and life for there child. She only got her job back to back her husband into a corner. Its a good Thing she miscarried because i am pretty sure if her child would have turned out like his niece she would have left . The guy did what he had to do by taking her in all the other shit is petty but taking her in is what he had to do.
@@ibo-np1wc She didn't sign for that, you can't just drop something like that to her, you can't drop something like that to anyone. And that man had other options, what if he didn't even exist and couldn't be the one who would take her, there would naturally be some other place for her. Group home, maybe? being with other people like her. There is group homes around the world and it turn out that people living in them are actually happier than living with their parents, there might be exceptions, but in general they are happier. There is people who know how to take care of them and there is other residents so they are not lonely, they have all kinds of activities and even trips to keep them active. So yes, there is options. And about that baby, you can't even compare a woman wanting to have her own children versus taking care of some disabled person. It's not even from same planet, that is how far those options are from each other.
@@Tontteman i am just chocked that you are advocating for children to not be taken in by their family and grow up in the system that is some bs studys that gets published so people dont get angry that children Arent being treated well. And it isnt like he found some disable person on the street Its his FAMILY And also hers since they are married. She wanted her own child correct but who says it would be a healthy child couples plans to start famillies asuming its a healthy child And its only one which tells me that people are just stupid she could get twins with the same disabiltys what would she do then. Shes not ready to be a parent because a parent isnt just a guardian to a healthy child it is no matter what
@@ibo-np1wc No, not her family, being married doesn't mean that she is responsible for that kid. People have right to choose how they live their life. Nobody owns anybody. If she chooses no, that doesn't make her in anyway a bad person. And once again her own children got zero to do with that girl, they would be her own children and very likely those possible children would never even exist if she would stay with him. She have right to be happy, right to seek happiness and nobody owns her. Her life is her own.
Man, there is such a big difference between taking care of your own child and taking care of someone else’s. Not to mention the niece is special needs, not just that but special needs enough that care for her likely will last the rest of her life. I have Asperger’s, a high functioning form of autism and I can live on my own, but i know from first hand experience it’s hard for a parent to adjust their lives around someone whose brain functions even slightly different to the average human being. In this situation the husband shouldn’t have lied to the wife and if he couldn’t properly take care of the niece should’ve set her up with cps. NTJ
Last story if the husband said the he would take care of her niece, he should be the one to be home full time and let his wife work. Take a big responsibility and then throw at someone else's back, is very easy. And then manipulate things to get what he wants regardless of what the OP wants and needs is totally narcissistic. She totally should get divorce, because ev n staying alone is 100 times better than this kind of person
@@felynia "financially ruin his life and the childhood of the young, medically struggling, niece"? no, he did that to himself when he decided to take the niece without a proper plan and tired pushing all the responsibility on the OP.
@@Zhajn It sounds obvious that he didn`t know what he was getting himself into. Of course, he should have looked into the situation and realized that this wouldn`t work out in the long run. It was scrappy of him to steal the keys and hide the passport, especially with the wife`s past. Divorce, and even a restraining order, would be helpful here. However, it is too far and cruel putting them in a situation where they have to struggle with: 1. don`t have enough space (2 bedroom house for 4 people) 2. don`t qualify for wefare 3. no money for niece`s college, or to support themselves 4. bad, even possibly traumatic, experiences for the niece (I know through personal experience medical stuff messes your brain up) Not saying the wife didn`t go through a lot here, but there`s no need to not work with the husband to make sure they don`t have to live on the streets, or worse.
@@felynia you realize that the wife does not bear the responsibility of this child. He made that decision and chose not to plan out benefits or move with his parents for added support while his ex-wife and him were together. The ex-wife has nothing to do with that niece and doesnt owe her a home, food or care. That's his family, not hers. He commited a FEDERAL CRIME against her and dumped that child into her hands without giving her the chance to say no. The niece wont go to college... She has the mind of a child and attacked the ex-wife when she threw the plates at the ex-wife's feet. She does not have high functioning autism... The niece is the type of autistic that needs to be restrained or else they hurt themselves or the people around them when they have meltdowns. I know people that live with severely autistic family members and they experienced their own family getting scratched, punched, kicked, and having to restrain the autistic family member. It's mentally taxing for them and feels like an eternal cage. She owes nothing to him or his niece and it's not morally wrong to say that.
@@felynia ok to each of your points: 1 so the OP is supposed to give free room and board for people she wants nothing to do with? 2 pretty sure the husband is gonna qualify if he becomes a full time nurse for the niece, the late mother was probably doing that. Also not any of OP's business. 3 with the level of autism the niece sounds like she has (at the age of 17!!), I don't think she'll ever be able to interact normally in society so I doubt college is ever going to be a consideration. and 4 that's the husband's fault for piss poor planning. Lastly I feel like you don't understand that the OP had a situation forced on her without her input so quite frankly she is under no obligation to help if she wants nothing to do with this. What you're suggesting to be her fault is charity on her part and last I checked charity is optional not requirement. If husband, couldn't take care of the niece fully like he said he would, maybe he shouldn't have gotten custody.
I decided to take care of a relative with advanced Alzheimer’s. My family was supposed to help but they forgot about that. After six months I told him I was leaving and they would have to put her in care because I could not do it. She became very violent, and I was worried. Plus none of them could seem to remember where she lived.
I work in a retirement home and I can understand why it would be hard to care for someone with Alzheimer’s. We had to call the police on a resident once because he assaulted staff. He was sent to the hospital until his family could find him a nursing home that would take him. (Please note there is a huge difference between a retirement home and a nursing home)
The fact that this mother woke up to find her baby missing and is suffering through post partum anxiety and depression makes me so enraged for her. This could make things so much worse for OP and could cause her depression to get worse. Clearly, she's now suffering through severe anxiety and the fact that her husband and the father of the baby won't back her up and condemn his mother's actions makes me feel extremely angry. You do not take a baby from the mother unless there's grounds for removing that child for its safety.
I think some people don’t realize the situation with the first story. Some people are talking about the mother overreacting and being crazy. This is a mother that for a moment thought her precious baby was taken from her forever. It’s not a matter of bad communication or overreacting. Mother’s are overprotective, especially in the first years of their child’s life. A moment far from a child can result in their death if the parents are not careful! Also, the mother said no again and again when the mother in law asked to have the kid for the night. She said no for a reason. She wasn’t comfortable being far from her child and the mother in law didn’t respect that. I understand that it’s hard for some people to see things from her perspective but I’m 100% sure this mother is not crazy. She was in a very stressful situation and was very emotional in the moment but she was not crazy and she did not overreact.
@@imjustyourlocalcocomilk2098 same even animals have protective instinct and protect them to the death so humans are defiantly animals and they defiantly protect them
Totally. Anyone who is a parent understands how traumatic it is to have your newborn suddenly disappear and not knowing where or how. If that happened to me I would need some serious therapy to move past that.
The mother is not crazy, of course! She handled the situation almost perfectly. The only mistake she made was that she needed to calm down enough to realize that her husband was never going to hurt or influence his own baby, and taking the baby away from him is extreme to the next level. If the husband had helped the mother-in-law steal the baby, it would be justified. Instead, the husband was not at fault here, so no action was needed. The husband took the situation incredibly well, and the mother is lucky the husband didn`t take her to court for that. If I was in the husband`s place, I might have if the mother didn`t immediately apologize lol. All of that said, the mother did handle the situation very well and protected everyone involved. props to her!
Story 1 + Update: Not the jerk. MIL crossed a line big-time and there's no taking that back. Yes, MIL communicated her desire to help out, but she was rejected numerous times. As a result, MIL sent OP into a rage, resulting in a loss of contact. OP was correct to leave that house for a while due to not feeling safe, and it is her right to do so. 100%, not the jerk. Story 2 Part 1: Not the jerk. OP and DH are nowhere near qualified to be caring for a child with the level of neurodivergence described in the story. DH should have tried to find a place to care for his niece due to his severe lack of qualifications. He also should have discussed this with his wife beforehand so they could formulate a plan to try and care for the niece to the best of their ability and in a mutually beneficial manner. And given that the niece physically harmed OP, she has every right to air her grievances with DH after that incident. Stealing her keys was technically illegal, and forcing her into a full-time caregiver role was not okay. Story 2 Part 2: Still not the jerk. OP was well within her rights to call the non-emergency line to help find her passport after DH stole it and hid it so she could stay behind to care for the niece. DH had zero right to do that, and OP is, in my opinion, doing the right thing by divorcing DH. He is a heartless narcissist who only cares about what he wants being done to his specifications. And it's a good thing that OP kicked DH and the niece out of her house before the welfare visit since it would give DH a cold hard dose of reality - he and his wife are not qualified to care for a severely neurodivergent child. Story 2 as a whole: Not the jerk in any way. OP was doing what she believed was right and safe for her. I genuinely hope everything worked out for OP in the end and I hope DH got his comeuppance. I do feel bad for the niece though, and I hope she's getting the care she needs. Neurodivergence is not an excuse to mistreat family members though, regardless of the severity of said neurodivergence.
for the second story OP is definitely not the jerk for holding her husband to his word about taking care of his own niece, and she was even more justified when he stole her car keys and passports just to keep her at home to take care of the niece instead of finding a way to stay with the niece himself or even find a home more suited to care for her
Story 1: I think that what the step mom did was just awful, like the amount of fear OP was set in was probably unimaginable. I don’t think OP was overreacting, but when OP is considering to divorce her husband, I thought that was a bit too much. As much as the husband did some wrong, it was also his mom. It’s hard to realize that your mom did something so bad. I think they should try to get some things together, and help each other
The impression that I am getting from that last story is, the husband may have said, “yes, I can take care of my niece” but what he really meant was “my wife can take care of my niece”. I know it’s tough to take care of someone with mental disabilities, especially when it’s a family member, but it was ‘his’ niece and he wasn’t willing to bend over backwards for her. He wasn’t willing to put his time and effort into actually caring for her and that was a huge disservice to her and was doing her more harm than good. My cousin had severe disabilities and I watched as my aunt, uncle and their entire family, both immediate and extended, rallied to help support them and my cousin. My cousin’s condition prevented him from living a normal life, but it didn’t stop him from living a happy life. My cousin lived the best life that he could because of what the people around him did for him. If that man wasn’t not willing to do what it took to give his niece that he offered to take care of the best life possible for her, to make her more comfortable, then for her sake, he should of given up his guardianship of her.
I have a wheelchair bound sibling. A majority of my family work with children with disabilities. The OP was NTA in the first of second half of her story. Not everyone is well equipped to handle the behaviour of people on the spectrum. To bring their niece into the household without discussion was bad. The fact that she had no time to prepare or understand the niece was even worse. Then the tactics used to force her to stay and watch over the niece were mean and manipulative.
I actually relate to the first story on a smaller scale due to the fact that when my son was a newborn we lived with my mother and father in law and one morning my sister in law (who didn't live there) came into our bedroom at a rediculously early hour and just... took our son out without even waking anyone up. She only went to the living room with him, but that's besides the point. You don't do that shit. It was terrifying to wake up and see my baby wasn't in the bassinet two inches away from me and my husband was still in the bed. On top of being stressed from it I also had to deal with a very pissed newborn because she woke him up and yeah... It's been years and I'm still kinda holding a grudge over that, so personally is someone had full on removed my baby from my home I can honestly say I wouldn't ever forgive then for that shit. Also, to answer the breast feeding question: it can cause issues with digestion in some babies and also can result in them not wanting the actual nipple anymore in favor of the bottle to name just two issues it can cause
Wow! That was a BFD mother in law taking the baby after being told no! My mother did that and I almost punched her. Cops had to help me get my child back. Didn't speak to her for years after that BS. Now she points out how right she was to do it every chance she gets. Hell no! She wasn't right. She's such a narcissist
So, I have autism, and upon hearing the title of that last story, I was immediately defensive, or at least curious. But I can understand what the niece was going through. I have food pickiness issues, too, and I hate when people fail to understand that. With that said... I am honestly conflicted. I want to say that autism is not an excuse for poor behavior, but now, for this specific situation... I'm so sure. She seems to be lower on the spectrum then I am, and it seems like she doesn't know how to communicate properly. I don't know if was how she was raised, or not. With that said, the niece's behavior was not okay, she did injure the OP, so I understand why she broke. I was on the OP's side the whole time after that. I get that at the end of the day, everything was he husbands fault, but the niece still did cause problems. I just wish I could know if the neicne knew what she was doing was wrong. That is where I am conflicted, and whether or not she was prior raised poorly. You should meet an autistic person's needs, but they also need to be raised properly regardless. But now I am question if you can even do that with those lower on the spectrum. In short, I think we're missing some info there on how the deceased sister used to raise her daughter.
Good question. Perhaps part of the reason for the Niece's actions is that, at some level, she did realize what was happening. Her mother died, and her Uncle promised to take care of her only to pass the buck to her Aunt who clearly wasn't okay with it. That would cause some issues even without a mental disorder.
OP did not sign up for this and was under no obligation to help. The agreement was that OP would not have to do any work. Parents are responsible for taking care of their children, and everyone else is opt-in. If they choose to opt in, great, they get some good person brownie points for it. Forcing that responsibility on someone other than the parents is a recipe for a kid being raised in a living situation where they are resented. OP had her life and freedom taken away without her consent by the unilateral decision of her husband.
as an autistic 17 year old girl myself i also got uncomfortable at first however after hearing the story for a while i completely understand. it’s difficult enough dealing with a child with autism that can basically take care of themselves like i can because of things like sensory problems, picky eating, difficulty understanding what you want unless ur completely direct or specific. i can’t imagine how hard it would be to deal with an autistic child who can’t do much for themselves. the op’s husbands niece has a lot more difficulty with living and can’t fully communicate how best to help her like i can with my parents so i really feel for the op and the niece in this situation. the husband on the other hand is an asshole
On the first story, as a mom of a 2 year old, if any of my fiance's relatives did this crap, I would have had a full on panic and anxiety attack, screaming and crying and running frantically to look for my daughter. I was already stressed enough as it was when I first had her cuz despite taking classes on caring for a baby and I got very, very lil sleep the first week so yeah, extra stress as a result of lack of sleep. Second story, the husband was straight up in the wrong. I lived with narcissistic relatives and his actions would be highly triggering. Plus he promised he'd take care of the niece but no, he dumped it on op and didn't even appreciate her effort, didn't even try to uphold his promise after she had put her foot down, and the fact that he kept hiding things she needed for her job just so he can force her to be home and care for the niece was fucked up. Like what op told him when she ultimately blew up, he never asked her before making the decision to take care of the niece, he promised to do everything for the niece and yet dumped it all on op, he didn't comfort op or help op when she got overwhelmed and got angry with her instead, he hid things to keep op from leaving the house despite knowing it'd really upset op cuz of her past that he knew about, he continued to undermine her and hurt her trust in him and never even realized the issue until she had been pushed to snapping.
For the mil taking the baby, switching back and forth with formula is sometimes necessary as some mothers do not make enough breast milk. The big problem though is missing a breast feeding can mess up the mothers milk supply. Breast milk production is all about need and supply the less you breast feed/ pump the less milk your body makes and it can be very hard to replenish that lost milk production. Plus all that stress put on the mother can mess with mothers supply too. That poor mama I really feel for her
Breast feeding is extremely difficult, especially if there isn't a coach or an experienced mother around to guide you on what to do. Feeding formula milk doesn't really harm the baby per se, but it does make the breast feeding journey a bit tougher, coz when you know your baby takes formula better than breast milk, it make the mother feel a bit like a failure and might want to give up on breast feeding completely and to just rely on formula milk. Breast milk is hands down, the best milk to give a new born baby.. but when breast milk is not available, formula milk will have to do. And any good parent would want the best for their baby. But never at the cost of the mothers wellbeing. Both needs to be happy with the breast feeding journey. And Daddies can support that journey by taking care of ALL the other indirect stuff around the house.
Please ladies, don't put off mothers to be by saying breast feeding is extremely difficult, it can be hard but I wouldn't say it's extremely difficult. It's quite natural and as long as you are realistic it's pretty straight forward and no more complicated as bottle feeding. I found bottle feeding far more work that breast feeding. No making up bottles. If I wanted to go out for the day, just grab some nappies and wipes and Yr off. So no, as with everything there are pros and cons but don't feel it's hard, a little painful at the start but after that it's z breeze.
1st story, it was a massive deal, being a first time mum is a big learning curve, plus having anxiety it's stressful in itself, the baby needs to be with its mother if the mother is not allowing the grandparents to take the baby even for a night then that's a no. No questions asked, the OP should stay clear of that house as the MIL will do the same again. 2nd story, the op is not the jerk, the husband went about this whole situation in a completely wrong way, he should have talked to the op about his decision and made a plan of who's gonna do what and when, the op is not his private nanny the op is his wife. The husband should have changed his life around his niece as he brought her in yes the sister died but still the niece is the husbands responsibility and the wife can help when she wants to and when she can. Communion in marriage is a key
He did talk to her though. I find it sad that in the US marriage is seen so loosely with "Your problem" types of situations. Here a married couple is seen as a couple. A family unit. His problems are hers and her problems are his.
CidVeldoril That’s only true when BOTH sides of the marriage are working TOGETHER. It seems more like all the burden was thrown on to her while he goes to work even though he CLAIMED he would do EVERYTHING and gave a presumption that the wife wouldn’t have to do much…. His problems are hers, so why is it that her problems with the niece and lack of experience with people in the same state as the niece ONLY a PROBLEM for her? Why isn’t he pulling his weight with the “her problems are his problems?” That phrase HAS to work both ways and not a ‘burden everything on my wife’ type phrase….. he was not seen helping his own wife in her time of need. Yet you expect her to fully be there for his time of need. On top of all this the manipulative actions can’t be excused either.
@@zainbath6888 He is pulling his weight though. They agreed that he worked while she stayed at home, so him being at work, thus obviously being less at home is him pulling his weight.
@@zainbath6888 what he said, but also, she only took her old job back out of spite and completely refused to help from that point. ALL of his actions with the lying and stealing were wrong, but the fact she was malicious in saying the kid was his problem alone was terrible. You hear the story from her perspective but she admits she stopped working to be the stay at home parent. Did she believe that meant she would just do nothing and he would continue to be the child’s primary care giver?
The 2nd story. My boyfriend is the full time caregiver of his non-verbal autistic older brother who also suffers from seisures. Has been pretty much since Covid started. He's no longer the same person after having to deal with how exhausting it is care for someone that mentally impared. It breaks my heart seeing the sweet and loving man I love just slowly crumble into an empty shell of his former self. On top of caring for his brother 50 hours a week, he also has a 16 hour job he works on weekends. On top of that he has to take care of his brother during the weekend whenever his father wants to go out and doesn't bring his own son with him. I'm so incredibly angry at his dad for forcing my boyfriend to be a full time parent to his older brother. I'm in so much emotional pain watching him become a bitter person after dealing with the ungratefulness of his father and brother for sacrificing *everything* to give his brother some form of quality of life. I can't remember the last time I saw him smile or heard him laugh. I can't remember the last time he spoke with a hopeful tone. Covid shook everything up. And his father and brother have pretty much ruined him his life. 😢
The mother going in and taking the child without their permission let alone knowledge that’s kidnapping plain and simple.. And the fact that the father Did not flip out on his own mother Shows he’s too much of a mamas boy and doesn’t have a balls it takes to be a man and a father.
Absolutely crazy stories. Mother in law in story 1 is crazy, and the husband in story 2 really should've thought things through before pushing stuff on his wife
So first story she is definitely not the jerk I would have freaked out the same way because hell to the nah! That was definitely premeditated and no just no. I will even be mad if my own mother did that to me nobody should be able to come into your house and take your child and try and wave it away saying 'oh I'm just trying to help because I'm experienced'. Now for the second story it's hard to really say if she's a jerk or not because I understand sometimes you don't have a plan but you just want to do the right thing but the husband definitely did not help as much as he should have and did not listen to his wife which then cause her to leave so I would definitely say the op is definitely not the jerk.
Unfortunately, it was not just one bad decision, it was a series of decisions, all of which completely disregarded her. It is a pattern of behavior that shows he doesn’t really get other people. There’s something broken in his programming. This is looking like a narcissistic relationship style, and she has found herself caught again in an old familiar pattern, so good for her recognizing it and for getting out asap. 👍🏼 smart. It’s hard not to find yourself in these relationships again and again when you were raised by a narcissist.
I could relate to the first story. This story happened about 22 years ago. When I was 3, my grandmother (my father's mother) had abductected my 1 year old sister and taken her to her house which is about 270 km from my house. She took the opportunity when my mother is teaching at school and my father is still in his office. After found that my sister has disappeared my mother was horrified. She went to ask every house in my neighbourhood to ask about my sster while my father calling my grand mother because she was the one they ask to take care of my sister. My grandmother pick it up. She told my father that she is going back to her home with her neighbor and every thing is fine, my sister is safe in her arm. After my fater told this to my mother, she was furious she demanded my father to drive her to my grandmother's house so they could take my sister back but, he refused. During that night, my mother couldn't sleep. She was saying "I'm sorry" and "where have you gone Siri?" all the night. This would continued for 3 days later before my aunt (my father older sister) decided confront my grandmother for stealing my sister from my mother and drove 270 km with her husband to bring my sister back home. She said that my sister was crying all day and night till her voice became raspy and she woldn't eat no matter who feeding her and she feel sorry for the baby so she decided to bring her back. The story after this event ended with no one getting in trouble. The relatonship between my mother and my grandmother turn rocky at some point but she still love her as her own mother. However, my sister is not so found with my grandmother even for 22 years later, she would keep distancing herself from my grandmother however she is very found with my aunt and my mother.
Second story the op had suffered a miscarriage and then the sister in law passed away around the same time and the husband didn't even give his wife a break to heal mentally let alone physically he was the one who said he would take on the responsibility of being a guardian to his niece, his wife was actually bleeding from the incident with his niece she asked him to come back and she had to wait hours he's such a huge undescribable jerk who has to control everything his wife was doing
Story 1: OP is absolutely not overreacting! What the grandmother did is the equivalent of kidnapping! The grandmother never had permission to take OP's baby to her house. Permission is key in this sort of situation, especially with young children. Some mothers do not always know best.
For the new mother, the MIL could have stayed over a few days at the new parents house and helped mom in other ways so she could sleep. As a mother of 3, sleep deprivation is a constant for new moms. Exhaustion isn't funny, it can lead to bad decisions. The MIL went WAY out of bounds.
Okay in the first story I feel like the OP's husband isn't to blame all he's trying to say is for her to calm down he's not saying, "oh give your mother a second chance" He's just saying to "calm down and let's do this one step at a time." I get the urgency of trying to find your baby and that it wasn't right for her mother to take the child by any means. Though I do like how she admits that she doesn't want make any life changing decisions. I don't like that her husband didn't try to explain himself more though. Through it all the op was not the jerk
She stated the dad sees the child everyday. She left because she did not feel the home was safe anymore and when she talked to her spouse about it he downplayed what happened and blamed his wife's hormones. She is doing this while seeking professional help to ensure the best outcome for their baby.
Considering the mother-in-law had been told in no uncertain terms that the baby would NOT be staying overnight at her house, what she did was ABSOLUTELY in the wrong and constitutes child abduction. I see amber alerts all the time where the child is taken without permission by a parent or grandparent, and I feel this case should be handled in the same way, right down to pressing charges for child abduction. The mother-in-law is only apologizing because the poster said she will never allow the mother-in-law to see the child again, so she is apologizing in hopes of preventing that. I doubt this mother-in-law REALLY sees that what she did was wrong or feels any remorse for it; this type of person doesn't care about anyone's feelings or desires but their own.
I think that the mother in law is absolutely bonkers, taking a child in the middle of the night is considered kidnapping, I would, honestly, press charges, she needs to learn her lesson. Also, divorcing your husband is a terrible idea, he just wanted rhe mother to calm down and did nothing wrong, I don’t understand why the mother would just divorce him all of a sudden, it’s his mom after all, it’s his thinking, Why would you wanna divorce someone over something like not catching her feelings. It makes no sense to divorce although child support is always very sweet
Maybe she wanted a divorce because she realized he's a mama's boy and things like this will keep happening? I have to wonder if this is the first time she's crossed a line and apologized after. I mean this was pretty wild and OP already didn't trust her to have the baby before this But she was also sleep deprived and hormonally imbalanced so...
I think it's because on the moment you don't think straight, you feel too many emotions, and then when you calm down a little you try to stick to the decision you made when you was too emotional to reassure yourself that you're sane and in the right, it's a natural mechanism but it can screw over a lot of relationships
At first I thought both. Because of her attitude and his lack of regard for what she wanted or thought. Then I heard more of the story and was against him all the way and didn’t blame her at all. What he should have done is let his parents take her or use his sisters assets and her SSI to put her into either a private or state funded house with other young people like her. They’re not like nursing homes but actual homes that have round the clock caregivers. He could have even gotten one for his house. This shows how unprepared he really was.
Switching to formula and breast feeding him on and off again can actually hurt the babies mental system and mobility and can sometimes very rarely give them seizures
as a childfree person, there would only be scorched earth after MIL stole my baby, no matter how sorry they were, I would never be able to trust them again and would feel to vulnerable around them, like, never be able to let my guard down again, which is no life to live also: who can tell yet, if this apology thing and 180 isn't just because they don't want OP to press charges
As the sister of a newborn, giving a baby different formula/new formula can cause an allergic reaction. My brother was allergic to a baby formula so we had to switch him to goat milk. So yeah the mother in law was the jerk.
I can see both sides. the husband dug himself into a horrible situation and chose himself and his niece over the wife, its what the average person would do. the wife has every right to be angry here, but I feel it is an overreaction to completely cut ties and screw them over. its overcorrecting, harsh, and complicating the situation. when the wife says 'every choice was the worst thing for me', thats exactly what she was doing, albeit unknowingly, to the niece. both sides are at fault.
@@felynia what part of this is screwing them over? consider that the husband's decisions screwed over the OP first? Husband essentially made a promise that he refused to keep, making excuses on why he couldn't be there and pushing his promise on to his wife that wasn't agreed upon with her. Nevermind it sounds like the 17 yr old niece is not the docile kind of autism neither, meaning the hassle of taking care of a person multiplied immensely. Since he took custody of the niece and stated that he'll fully take care of her, now he'll have full opportunity to follow up on his words.
@@samuelsoliday4381 That's a good question and it sounded like the mother was full time taking care of the daughter before she died. Died from what? who knows.
I think the problem in the second story was that they weren't ready for taking care of the niece. I have a brother with autism, when we were kids it was really difficult but as the years went by, he is able to do more and more things. Before I married my husband, I told him about my brother and told him that if necessary I would take my brother to live with me (like when my parents die or neither of my siblings can take care of him) . He understood and accepted. That's one of the reasons I accepted to marry my husband, if I knew that he wouldn't let me help my family and support me, I wouldn't have stay with him. My brother and me are 2 years apart, we were together most of our young years (this were the most difficult years) and I just to take care of him in some situations, because of that a I feel able to assume that I can take care of him. But if I knew I can't, I would totally try to find the best help possible, and if I didn't speak before hand about that with my partner I would totally not impose that on him, because it is a very demanding life and not everyone can deal with that.
Nipple confusion happens when the the breastfed baby is introduced to a bottle. The bottle nipple flows faster so they will not like to be breastfed anymore
Story 1: Shame on the MIL and shame on the husband. OP was definitely NOT the ahole. Any good parent would have been alarmed by what had happened here, regardless of who took the baby. Mama, you're doing a great job! And you're being so forgiving by giving your husband a second chance. He'd better realize just how lucky he is, and I hope he learns from this incident.
@@duckdull2383 That's a valid point. I hadn't considered that at the time I wrote this comment. MIL and husband were still in the wrong, but Mom did overshoot here too. She was sleep deprived and terrified, and as a mom I can completely understand just how much a situation like this would impair your judgement. I think Mom should have communicated the severity of her fears and the consequences of him not taking her seriously. She also should have contacted her mom as soon as the kidnapping happened, so her mom could provide some much needed support. A clearheaded individual being put into this situation could have helped quite a bit before the hotel room.
First one is nuts, like who thinks it's ok to send a quick message like "hey, just gonna take your newborn without your permission that I know you've said I can't do but it's the middle of the night and you're asleep". I'd have pressed charges. That's kidnapping. Especially after all the judgemental crap. Second one: she was never the jerk. Her partner made decisions without consulting her the whole way through. The first one being the niece. And if anyone says that she was a jerk for not caring for the neice, back off. Wasn't her decision and not everyone is able to cope with a special needs person. I honestly believe it takes a particular type of person to care for anyone who is special needs. I know I wouldn't cope. So no, she was never the jerk and good on her for divorcing that asshole. Ultimately, the niece loses the most, but it's a sad part of life. What else can be done? You can't expect other people to flip their lives. It doesn't make them cruel. Sometimes it's just a sad situation without a solution and it sucks. What you'd hope for, is that there a young care facility that can look out for her. If her mum left any money, then that would pay for it, or maybe if not, then everyone in the family chips in a bit or something. Again, it's just an overall sad situation that no one is responsible for. It just is what it is.
Can we just acknowledge for one second the husband didn’t just go out and buy a car without talking to his wife? His sister DIED. He took in a member of his family and did everything he could to keep her. The wife did not have a job at the time. The truth is she became overwhelmed and decided the niece was his problem now. She checked out on her partner.
@@Loverboy0694 yeah, his sister died, but that doesn't mean he is obligated to take on a responsibility like that. If anything, that's a bigger thing to take on than buying a car behind her back. It's a living, breathing person that would permanent change their life and the way the live, and an added expense both monetarily and emotionaly. And just because she's not working doesn't give him the right to put all the responsibility HE took on, on her. He didn't ask, just assumed and it's not something you assume just because you're married. On top of that, any time he should have taken responsibility, he didn't. To me all that comes across as is "hey, I don't want my niece to be without family, but I also don't actually want to actually raise and look after her". The wife was not a born carer. And that's ok, not everyone is. It's ok for something like this to be too much. If he wanted to take her on, he should have dug into his pockets to get a proper carer who actually knows how to look after her. On top of that, she didn't just "have no job". Regardless, as a full-time carer, she couldn't go back to work whether she wanted to or not until someone else was looking after the girl. His behaviour is super toxic and grief doesn't make anything he did ok. He was trying to be good to his sister and keep family together, but his family suffered without even knowing that it was going to happen, and that's not fair. So I mostly disagree with you. I am happy he tried to look out for his niece and sister, but he did everything the wrong way, dumped it on his partner and didn't actually take any responsibility that he'd "taken on" and not once asked for her consent or opinions, like you should in a partnership.
@@jaimeebidwell9305she was the one who was not working(at the time) and was more available to give daily care. Notice she never complained about him failing to help with her case after work or being too distracted by other things as is common in these types of stories. When he was at work she had to be the caregiver. Keep in mind they had been together for 16 years and she never says he acted like this prior to his sister dying. She was a terrible partner, because his family should have been her family at this point. Again, this isn’t a year or two into a relationship, it’s almost two decades in. The part that gets me is she really divided everything in her mind. The girl wasn’t HER responsibility. When she got to the point she realized she couldn’t be the child’s long term caregiver then they had options. She got frustrated he couldn’t immediately leave work(at this point he was the sole provider) and decided she was done. She knew he had no alternate caregiver and she left. That’s not how you treat a spouse and partner. Your spouses problems are your problems. If it isn’t a true partnership the relationship will never work. He found an alternate daytime caregiver, but she had an emergency. Again, he’s in a bind because she admits he has a meeting he can’t miss. She refuses to help. She has washed her hands of the girl. At this point the relationship was over. As stated below his every action after that point was wrong, but he was desperate to make it work and she wasn’t trying to help him at all. Relationships are hard and life happens fast. His sister died and he was trying to do the right thing. I don’t hear her mention one time how he was grieving, or what he was feeling. She saw his family as a burden. Hiding her passport and taking her key was childish and stupid. He should have communicated with her clearly that if she is his life partner then she needs to be in on this as well. If she wasn’t then he needed to move on. I’m glad they never had kids. Again, his actions were stupid but the truth is if that’s all it took for her to leave after 20 years they didn’t have much of a relationship to begin with. She was already unhappy and ready to go. He is definitely a jerk for what he did to her stuff. Also, on a side note: You’re cute. Even thought we disagree we should talk sometime. Outside of taking about this.
@@Loverboy0694 I would leave over that. It's a huge life changing situation and HE DID NOT CONSULT HER. You're seemingly trying to say that because she didn't protest from the start, that it's ok for him to assume she will take on all of the issues. That is zero communication and I would feel bitter and annoyed that my partner would not only take on the responsibility without telling me, but also assume that she will take on the role because she isn't working the problem from the start is he didn't ask her. The job fell to her because she was home. And it seems that she did express concerns many times and he brushed it off as his life was more important than hers. If he had the true partner mindset, they would have shared responsibility. Especially when she expressed, and he saw how stressed she was. That vlatent ignorance on his part. Yes, she would consider the girl family, but it's not the same as her taking on her sibling's child after the siblings death. Being a caregiver to a child in such a situation is extremely stressful and difficult. She did her best for as long as she could. As far as it seems from her message, he didn't respect or try to understand her. He continuously made assumptions, then started to do very alarming and controlling things. He was treating her like caregiving was HER job, when in fact, it was his responsibility. Not everyone can handle a child with disabilities. It's a difficult conversation to have when a woman is pregnant with a child with disabilities. Some women can't handle it and will abort. This is their decision to make. She never even gave birth to this child and was more or less saddled with her. On top of that, it's a life long commitment, not temporary and that's where the issue lies. If it was for a couple of months, or even a year, fair enough, I'm sure she could do her best to hold on. But this would have been their job (or her's because in his mind his job is more important than his partner and niece) for the rest of the girl's life, or their lives. Not being consulted on that would totally piss me off and having to deal with her situation and his manipulation (do NOT sugar coat it by saying they were stupid mistakes, his actions are full blown controlling and dangerous and could have easily escalated). Some relationships have a breaking point, and while for you, it doesn't seem like something that should have broken them up, it was completely life altering. On top of that, if they did have kids, it could have been completely different. Your own children and other people's children are different and as I've already said, it takes a particular kind of person to be able to give care to those who are special needs. Patience, understanding, a calmness and a willingness to give everything to help the child to live well. I don't have that, I know many people that don't. I feel trapped even having a dog, so by the guy just making assumptions, he's effectively trapped his partner in an inescapable situation with expectations that werent discussed and issues that he never acknowledged. At the end of the day, had he sat down with her and talked through it, then regularly gave her breaks and shared the responsibility, then respected her wishes to work to have a life, it would have worked out much better. HE should have changed jobs if it didn't work with his decision to take in his niece. So again, you're not understanding her perspective at all. She is not in the wrong and some situations will end relationships because everyone is different. Plus, manipulation and control are NEVER ok in a relationship.
For the second story Asking a person to take in a non verbal autistic child is mean You don't know them,their needs how they react ecc You are not trained to deal with meltdown And the niece is 17,if she wanted to arm op she could do that easily do that Plus taking care of her makes it impossible to start a family and have children for multiple reasons There are of course different levels of autism but this seems to be really low to the point that you can't communicate at all with the niece Pretending that a stranger would just do that no problem is really pretending too much
Actually I think she is possibly a verbal one but to close to the middle so has spike's of emotion more easily and probably has a hard time taking things well
Trust me just a few points below the the most common verbal people you can see some with severe issues but aren't just wheelchair bound non verbals and some kids the closer you get to the non verbal side have very hard times controlling how they feel so that's why certain norms are created to try and help but some can be harder to maintain than others
First story you are not the jerk, what the mil did was crossing the line you don't just take someone's baby bc you take you're giving them a break that is nothing more than traumatizing and shallow for her to do that and the fact that your husband can't see that is unacceptable you are not overreacting just take some time and let the anger settle down so that you don't make a decision you'll regret
No shit she doesn't sound stable. I get it I would not want my mother in law near my kid. But to think about divorcing your husband over this because he is not freaking out like you are. That's just petty and messed up
@@Arricov She's probably counting on the system to see the father as a second class citizen so she can hit the divorce lottery, but unsure because maybe a friend or family member told her that the whole disappearing act might work against her.
Story 1: cutting all ties with the MIL is a very good idea, as is getting a restraining order. She sounds crazy. That being said, the idea that you would divorce this dude you married and claim to love simply because he wanted an amicable and prompt end to the situation without going scorched earth is actually insane. NTJ, but she needs to chill talking about how she hates her husband and wants to divorce him because he didn't immediately want to kill his mother like she did.
I was on OP's side in story 1 completely until she talked about divorce. Then I chalked it up to "MIL is nuts and OP has some serious hormone issues". Not the jerk, but you have to be insane for wanting to divorce your husband over him defending his mom once. Seems like the husband married a loon. Too bad he's stuck with her for 18 years.
@@denisenicole8271 No. He shouldn't be making excuses, however, this is a very traumatic event with emotions flying high. And once those emotions settled down, he apologized. Yet, she is still talking about divorce. She absolutely needs therapy. And it's not just due to pregnancy.
This is why you shouldn't take on responsibilities you cannot meet effectively. Specialists exist for a reason, and the state could probably handle her better. If you want better care, out her in a private care facility.
The daughter did nothing wrong. Op is selfish. If she would treat the mentally febel that way, imagine how she'd treat her own? Terrible heartless person
12:10 Seems to me like both of them were somewhat jerks in this situation, one takes in a child that neither of them are capable of caring for leaving the other to deal with the child till the point of breaking, the other knowing full well that the child is incapable of caring for themselves leaves, refusing to help anymore with the family due to frustration and causing the one to care for the child using up all his sick days and vacation time... Neither of them were in the right. Though deciding in the end to relinquish the child to the state just to get back into a relationship... That makes him a jerk, but not for the intended reasons.
With the first story, whilst MIL is definitely the arsehole, and doesn’t deserve a key and it should be up for discussion if she is allowed to see the baby again, divorcing the husband and running away with the child is a massive overreaction, all he did wrong was not react as harshly or emotionally as OP did, he still agreed his mother shouldnt have a house key
i would go crazy to have my child taken from with me without my knowledge have my husband side with his mom when im clearly in pain being scared that if i go to sleep she will prolly be taking the anxiety plus hormones shes not crazy i wouldve pressed charges so fucking fast
@@Fairy4theworld I wouldn’t say perfectly reasonable. She did over react but only because of her hormones going crazy. Let’s not act like shit didn’t hit the fan. She definitely has a good excuse for her over reaction though
For story 2 even though I myself am autistic like the niece OP is 100% not the jerk. The niece's needs were not able to be met and OP reached her breaking point _after_ she was physically hurt by the niece. She had tried to care for the niece as best she could but couldn't especially since she had no children experience herself. Part 2 wasn't even necessary though the husband's manipulative behavior was the icing on the cake. He KNOWS she has a job of her own and responsibilities yet thinks her job is expendable because "who cares if she gets fired as long as she can do what I want?" If it wasn't the niece it would be something else.
I have to say though, I feel really bad for the husband, he did absolutely nothing wrong and suddenly a bomb shell of divorce threats, insecurity of his son (it’s a boy right?), and his own mother almost betraying him. He tried to calm down the situation because the wife has to understand that this is his mother. It was him who was raised by her and spent all that time building trust with her so obviously he wasn’t as alarmed when he knew his mom took care of her. Obviously though the wife would be understandably horrified since she was never raised by her mother in law, and she would obviously view the husbands requests to cool down the situation as a threat to her and her child even though he did absolutely nothing wrong and was clearly as distressed as shown in the video. She just would never be able to see it that way, that’s just how the human brain works. I really hope we get to see the husbands point of view. He should be incredibly stressed as well. He either has to choose his wife, or mother. There’s a chance that the love of his life might divorce him just for something that his mother did and he had no involvement in it besides just being related to her. And there was a chance that he could lose his child in a custody battle after the divorce which once again, he did absolutely nothing to cause. I’m not saying that the wife is evil, nor the husband, especially not the child, but we can all agree that the mom really needs therapy.
The way he reacted and continued to react is what he did wrong. He made the choice to down play what happened and act like his spouse's feeling were out of control. He is now facing the consequences of his choices.
2nd story: is the husband idiot? or something? I don't have a problem with autistic people, but is autism used for being an asshole? HELL NO!!! mainly because one of my sisters is literally this as OP describes her niece. It makes me infuriating because it's almost literally the same situation too (meltdown, picky with food and act like a toddler despite she is 25 years old), I use to be a jerk with her in the past because of this too. Now a day I regret that and threaten her better. BUT it musters all my courage to not be a jerk to her again because she is acting this selfish with my mom almost all the time.
Being a mom is hard Yesterday morning our neighbour lift her kids at the apartments and locked the door from outside to go for an important business at 6 in the morning then she came home at 9 oclock in the morning then when she got home she opened the door and screamed her kids name but they didn't say yes then she start freaking out like she threw her sleepers throw her bag and she started to call for them and finally they say yes Mum the mum starts to cry so much out of stress That made me cry that showed me how mach a mother loves her children Love for all the mom's out there ❤
Ok... totally agree with the kidnapping... MIL insane... but you then do exactly the same thing to your husband?... wtf woman? That's a custody battle waiting to happen and I'm convinced you won't win. You better try to fix things, cut MIL out and live a happy life.
1st story, the mother-in-law was definitely a jerk. The mothers reaction was at first understandable, but it ended up being way over the top. To want to press charges and want a divorce? That is absolutely overboard. I understand the anger towards the MIL, she deserves a good *ss chewing, and the key to the house taken away, but her heart was in the right place. 2 parents were sleep deprived, and needed a good night of rest, but the mother was so overprotective, she was unwilling to let the MIL take the for a night. Breastfeeding isn't a good enough excuse, since you can pump milk, and bottle it.
You've missed the whole point. Their grandmother didn't take the baby. She kidnapped the baby without permission. I would also press charges and divorce that piece of shit scumbag mama's boy.
having a good reason to commit a crime doesnt excuse committing the crime. her heart was not in the right place at all, she asked for permission and was told no become of an actually VERY good reason (not excuse you fool, you dont need an excuse to not let someone take your newborn) and she even mentioned having PPA, the amount of emotional turmoil that a woman goes through for nine whole months and then the process of birth is immeasurable and this MIL spat on every boundary and feelings this brand new mother was feeling and decided she knew better. f that. if my MIL or even my own mother did that id cut contact with them entirely.
@@The_dandy_zombie that's the great thing about these AITA posts, we can all have our own opinions. Not sure how I am a "fool" for thinking the OP went overboard with her reaction, but ok. I can empathize with the OP about being scared out of her mind, when she didn't know where her baby was, and also being extremely pissed at the MIL for taking the baby, both are completely understandable. But to contemplate divorce, "need" therapy/counseling over the ordeal, and want to press charges? Seems pretty extreme to me! Like I said, a good a** chewing with a set of rules and boundaries set in place, with the house key taken away, should be sufficient enough. If the MIL, and husband were unwilling to agree to the rules and boundaries set in place, than more extreme measures can be pursued. Are you a "fool" for having a different opinion than mine, on how to react in that situation?
@@goofyone2153 I called you a fool for saying breastfeeding was an excuse to not let the MIL take the baby. Once again, she didn’t need an excuse to not want to give up her newborn child
@@The_dandy_zombie it is an excuse, I didn't pull it out of no where, the OP in the story stated it as one. I just pointed it out as a bad excuse. So again, how am I the fool? Move on, your argument isn't valid anymore.
A bottle is easier to drink from than a breast. If you give a baby a bottle then try putting them back on the breast you risk them refusing the breast. NOT TO MENTION. A sudden change from breast milk to formula can cause serious and painful tummy issues. An old woman would have known all this but didn't care. I'd still involve the police if not just to force mother in law to seek professional evaluation. She also could just be telling OP what she wants to hear to try and smooth it over. Tread very lightly. Restraining orders can be dropped so it might be worth it to pursue one for the time being to make OP feel more secure of her child's safety.
You didn't just take your baby. You took his baby, too. Husband/father's are not 2nd class citizens despite popular opinion. His mom kidnapped the kid, for sure, but that's still his mom. You think you're the only one with a crazy in-law? He's not just gonna drop his mom. You had every right to be angry until you kidnapped your own kid away from the dad. You're 2nd mistake was inviting someone else into the argument. You don't like it when your in-law is involved, now imagine how he feels. A problem between the 2 of you is now a problem between the 4 of you.
I wouldn't say this was an overreaction for someone suffering from postpartum anxiety. After the event she was too anxious to even sleep in her home. I get that that's his Mom but she was wrong and his wife needed his support more at that moment. Maybe if he'd put aside his bias and supported his wife she wouldn't have needed to lean on her Mom? He was making it a 2 on 1 situation when she was already not doing well. I mean she was too afraid to even sleep since it happened. I don't think she was wrong to look for support And I'm not sure if you missed the part were she said he was seeing the baby everyday. I don't think this is that type of situation. She left because she didn't feel like they were safe there not to keep him from his child. It's not always so black and white
@@lolaBee9 It's nice that the second kidnapper allowed her husband visitation. I wonder whether he ever contemplated taking the baby and running back home.
@@rainbowunicorn709 What are you on about? How was that kidnapping?She went to a hotel and told the Father were they were. Full transparency. Are you saying she's not allowed to live separately from the father or something? Honestly I think people like you are determined to shift every situation to fit your grievances. Not saying it doesn't happen but maybe find a story were the Mom is actually trying to keep the Father away and complain there.
What @@imjustyourlocalcocomilk2098 said, plus not that I'm experienced in this but hormones, exhaustion and other mentioned post-pregnancy issues probably had her very on edge and thinking in extremes.
I've always wanted kids of my own one day and my girlfriend does too, of course when get married and finish school and are financially stable, we're young and dumb but we want kids, but this story about moms and mother in laws gives me so much anxiety ☠
About the first story, she's clearly within her rights not to want to see her mother-in-law again. I'm glad the husband understood how big the problem was. He wasn't in the best position to figure it out sooner.
you're mad if you had a four week old baby that you just adore and one day somebody randomly comes into your house without your permisson kidnapped your child and leaves how would you feel? scared and sad and you can go to jail for that even if it was a family member you're still going to jail
@@Fairy4theworld The 3 is basically in the wrong. MIL for doing that, the husband for not side with OP 1st, and OP for wanting a divorce just because she see red in all of this. YES!! the OP is right to be pissed too, but not to lash out like that.
I'm half on the same page because it is not a sane reaction in its entirety, however few sleep deprived new parents would respond differently and she's justified in her anger, up to the point of then kidnapping the baby from the husband. You just aren't in your right mind and capable of making such giant decisions when in such a state, so it's right for a no contact with the mother in law for a time, but it would be a super arsehole and unhealthy move to cut her out of her son and grandchild's life forever on threat of divorce and stealing the man's child once she is in a stronger place mentally.
in the 2nd story the husband knew he didn't have time for the niece he was planning on dumping every responsability about the niece on the wife and he didn't even consult her in advance . Plus He lied saying he would 100% take care of her. everything went down hill from there . assuming his wife would play along his egoistic plan without even telling her
