Narcissism and attachment theory 

Narcs make us get attached to them by leaving us begging for their presence,love....its a strange feeling they create.

I never felt emotionally safe as a child. Now I know why.

I’ve been anxiously attached my entire life due to a cold German mother that was more interested in having a clean house than validating my emotions. At three, I started nail biting due to anxiety. Going to school (starting at age three) always resulted in inconsolable crying and fear. I found it extremely difficult to self-soothe (as is the case with those anxiously attached) and am learning how to do that now, in my mid-fifties. Of course, the family narrative was that I was somehow flawed or “too sensitive” for being such a crybaby away from home. Now I understand that it was my parents’ inattentiveness and lack of mirroring that made me so fearful about life. 🧐

Here is where the paranoia that you're really the narcissist creeps in, because being raised in neglect both makes you likelier to become a narcissist and likelier to become a target of one.

Yes, I have seen the push pull in the narcissist between wanting my attention and wanting to punish but over time it was replaced with being avoidant. Then it became a toss up between being avoidant and trying to be “good” so he could be praised every so often. If not praised enough he can be punitive and rail at how unfair everyone is to him.

My therapist gave me a book 3 days ago called Attached where it discusses the different types of attachment styles and their interactions with one another. First of all, amazing read. Please check it out. Second, it’s very interesting that styles can change due to dramatic events. For example, I was raised by a narc father that was always helicoptering and overbearing. My mom was always available and supportive. With the combination, I had a secure attachment style. My first marriage (and first relationship, long story) was with a narc of a different type (dads grandiose, she was covert). Despite countless times of having avoidance thrown at me, I was more disheveled than traumatized. I stayed secure for the most part. Found my next girlfriend days after my separation started (yeah it wasn’t a highlighted time in my life lol). She was also a narc, but more malignant and grandiose mixed, so I yet again missed the signs. She was most anxious AND avoidant, and with my mind being in such a raw shape at that point (from the separation and having to prove to myself that I could do this relationship thing correctly if given the chance), she molded me like clay. Almost a year after that relationship, I’m now realizing I’ve developed an anxious attachment style and it’s been causing issues in my current, very healthy relationship with a very secure person. As always, thanks to therapy, independent in-depth research, and videos from people like Dr Ramani, I’m learning what caused it, triggers it, and how to work myself back to a secure style. Will it be easy? Not a bit. Will it be worth it? Always. Thank you as always Dr Ramani for helping on my continuous healing journey ❤️

I try to validate my children's emotions *as a priority* and accept them for who they are. I try to help them learn that making mistakes is ok. (I didn't learn any of this in my childhood). The hardest thing is talking to them about their dad's behaviour without demonising him. It confuses the hell out of them! Your videos help me so much, Dr Ramani. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💛

In my last relationship I kept trying to figure out my ex's issues as I was definitely feeling anxiously attached.. He fits the description of the neglectful narcissist and a dismissive avoidant. In the end it didn't matter which he was as my boundaries got better while his treatment of me got worse and I ended the relationship. The fact that I was trying so hard to figure out how to navigate the relationship was the biggest red flag and not something I'll do again.

I thought I was getting solidity and security and faithfulness and human dignity when I married! I was certainly wrong! I was of the belief that a marriage is a reciprocal exchange of love and caring for each other! I certainly found out different! There was no solidity! Fidelity for the narcissist was out of the question!There was no security in that my inner beliefs would someday become real.... I had daily inner implorations of hope that all went up in smoke! thank you Dr. Ramani! Yes! You are here for all of us every week and I so appreciate that! ❤️🙏🕊

Being a psych major I remember when we covered attachment styles , I found it so interesting . I agree completely that most narcissists have an anxious attachment style . You’re the best !

Not my partner but my mother parentifying me and re-enacting her anxious childhood. Emotional abuse for me. But that’s in the past now. Excellent overview. Thank you!

I had a narc mom and a narc husband (no surprise there) when my kids were little, but I had no language, insight, or understanding for narcissism. All I knew to do was the opposite of what my mother and my kids’ father did, so that was my guiding parenting principle. I got a “Children Learn What They Live” card out of a box of formula and put it on the wall and read it every day. I have two successful, kind, and intelligent sons of whom I am incredibly proud. They are 38 and 41, and I am only recently learning about and understanding what we endured.

My mom grew up in an abusive household. I'm convinced that she conditioned me to be overly empathic to overcompensate and to give her the validation she needs. When I don't, or whenever I do something she thinks is in the slightest way wrong, she loses it on me. I've tried grey stoning, but she just sees that as me complying and that I'm fixed (I have CPTSD).

I raised my stepson from age 23 months to adulthood. Mom left at 18 months. Spent years getting treatment for him due to severe behavior issues from abandonment but a special place that no longer exists in Indianapolis made the difference. 2 weeks of intensive treatment followed by 4 yrs of excellent counseling and he is a healthy 34 yr old.counselors tell me he is an anomaly to have faired so well.

Narcissists and by extension, their victims have either anxious, avoidant or disorganized styles of attachment. That’s why they gravitate towards each other and why it’s so hard for some people to leave these narcs.

I studies Psychology in college. (DSM 4 was out at the time) and its amazing to me how we glossed over the personality disorders, I think they were only a chapter for all of them combined. Its amazing how many patient facing clinicians are blissfully unaware of narcissism, solely because they aren't given much importance. Dr. Ramani, you are doing absolutely groundbreaking work.

At 62 I find myself watching RU-vid videos of young families that are healthy,respectful and have truly happy home lives. I think it validates for me that the neglect I experienced in childhood really happened. Even thinking about seeing family members fills me with anxiety and makes me break down. My siblings don't get it.

My rumination has lessened dramatically. I beiieve its this channel and all the sharing here that is helping me wind it down. This channel is bringing me to my senses. I''ve realised that through rumination I've blocked off creativity and self-growth. I wish this channel had been around years ago. What a gift it is. It's all down to Dr Ramani of course. This video is another one that is giving me a timely lesson. I am staying with this channel because it is a healing path. 🕉

There must be different levels of anxiety attachment. I am aware I have an attachment disorder. I remember in my 30's when I first had a therapist, I would feel overwhelmed and call her between sessions. Not every week. I also would call her several times, if she didn't return my call. The difference is I learned and accepted boundaries. I did stop calling realizing that the feeling passed. Also, I learned techniques to distract myself from the anxiety or self soothe. I don't call my therapist in between appointments anymore. This may be related to I do have empathy. Also, I realized that I needed to stop using the therapist as a crutch. I stopped focusing on my feeling of being overwhelmed, and I knew there are clients in emergency situations. Finally, I recognized my behavior is inconsiderate of the therapist; also it's inconsiderate of other clients who are in a dire situation. Take note I did learn this over a period of time. My first therapist did move on to advance in her career. This was eventful for me. I learned that I could survive through the grief. It was a long path of learning techniques, which I learned through work and practice over several years. I did actively set this as a goal in my mind to pursue. I never had punitive intentions. Lastly, Children were an inconvenience for my mother. My dad believed it was the mother's role to be the caretaker. My father did provide for our material essential needs food, clothing, shelter..ect

This makes so much sense to me about the narcissist that was in my life! He never had a safe consistent safe person in his life! He was abandoned by his mother on numerous occasions. His mother was also bi-polar and manic depressive and consistency was/is NOT a strong suit of hers!! The push pull was definitely alive during the relationship with my ex (narcissist). I am so happy I have went zero contact. Getting stronger every day!! Thanks for your amazing videos!!

Ya it’s so sad and unfortunate how the narcissist as the parent doesn’t want you to live your life and grow up. My toxic narcissistic mom wanted to hold me back from experiencing life. It’s like she’s mad at me for wanting to leave and do my own thing as a healthy person should. It’s sick how she thinks I’m bad because I’m not a child and she couldn’t keep control over me forever. Really messed up how these types of individuals are not healthy with how they act and then lash out immaturely and angry at the victim for nothing.

I grew up with severe hearing impairment. Hearing aids were a stigma. Now I understand, this helped me have a beautiful empathetic approach and connection, but also made me a narcissist’s punching bag. I didn’t spare myself from one ounce of narcissistic abuse. It’s scary when the love of your life that willingly loved me turned so cruel 12 years into our relationship. The saddest part….he was taking advantage of knowing he was my translator. It’s all sorts of fear. But the loneliness instilled by narcissistic abuse coexisting with an invisible impairment was and is the darkest days. We gotta look inward. We can be ok. Im getting healthier as we all can. Hugs to all of you. No matter what you are going through. Let’s love ourselves.

I really felt that part about if I'm always there and always loving then I can fix their anxious attachment. Very early on in my relationship my abuser predicted that I would leave him eventually because "everyone always leaves" which reinforced my commitment to not leave no matter how scary things got - I saw it as my mission not to be the one who leaves him this time. I appreciate your comments about what their job is and what the victim's job is in the relationship. I've been no contact (as no contact as possible with kids involved) for 4 years and I still think daily about going back and "doing better" to make him feel secure in my love. Your videos have helped keep me from acting on that urge but this one especially is impactful because it adds a counter argument to the fixer narrative in my head. Thank you!

I love attachment theory! Since I've learned about it, I have understood that I had an insecure attachment style. I later learned it was disorganized. This is due to the fact that I grew up in home with a narcissistic parent, suffering through rage fits and abuse. Due to this environment, I grew to behave similarly and struggle with disorganized attachment. I have done a lot of inner work and reflection and I try to be accountable and not shame myself for my brain being wired in a way that I did not have control over. However now, I have to work very hard on my behavior, self awareness and accountability for slip ups. But I could tell my current partner was disorganized before I realized he was also narcissistic and I had to look at myself in the mirror.

This series Rocks! I had some MAJOR moments of clarity about my Narc Mom and Partner. I've been looking for a point of reference that makes more sense for me, and this is it. That Need You/Need to Punish You dynamic describes my Narcs perfectly. I even more clearly now see how I unhealthily became the Parent/Rescuer/Fixer in hopeless situations. I'm still feeling a huge weight being lifted from this powerful clarity. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for everything you do for this community!

I have consciously made an effort to remove us from toxic situations almost instantly. I’ve built a network of amazing friends and loved ones that I was vulnerable enough to share my needs with and they always come through for us. As soon as I see narcissistic traits I speak through it and monitor alternative behavioural responses. We practice responding vs reacting. We do not go to bed not having had a talk through something. I always emphasis empathic exchanges and resolutions. We hit speed bumps and navigate those as they come. I do practice attachment parenting, I have one autistic child, it was the biggest blessing cos he made me curious and was my introduction to conscious parenting.

I was raised by a narcissistic mother who could be very infantile. She would tell me endless sob stories about her life, & from a very young age, I thought it was my job to be her emotional support & "therapist". I would try to comfort her & constantly reassure her that the world was not such a dangerous & scary place as she imagined, to help her cope, even though I was never allowed to explore or experience things in the world. My mom & I had a severe trauma bond & for the 25 years I spent with her almost exclusively, she kept me isolated from the world & other people. During the last five years I spent with her, I began calling her "baby", because I was under the false assumption that I (as her child) could somehow re-parent my mom & if I could just "love her enough" it would heal her. I now understand that narcissists are like a black hole & nothing you do will ever be enough or "fix" them - that is the responsibility of the individual. I am now free from that relationship & working daily to heal & re-parent myself.

I've successfully managed to not raise an narcissistic child or otherwise damage any of my children by not having any. 😇

Interesting. I’ve definitely heard grandiose narcissism associated with dismissive avoidant attachment and covert narcissism associated with fearful avoidant attachment. Anxious attachment is generally considered the closest to secure and studies are clear that anxious attachers easily become secure when they experience a lasting relationship with a secure partner whereas a DA or FA is, in the vast majority of cases, is too insecure to successfully date a secure partner long term. I love your videos, Ramani-keep it up! I do disagree with this particular one.

It is always a pleasure to watch your videos Dr. Ramani and learn with you, thank you😊💖 I have read the book "Attached" and you talk about it in your latest book as well. You are right on everything. I have experienced this in narcissistic relationships with the narcissists being anxious-avoidant which is so confusing and very stressful for us on the other side. Even when we are secure, it affect us deeply. Exactly as you describe it💔

I learned about attachment theory through la leche league as a new mother in the mid 1990s. I was and am a proponent in helping to facilitate a secure attachment.

An absolute treat to listen to this video, Dr. Ramani. Married to an extremely malignant covert narc, this attachment theory greatly explains his erratic push pull behavior and the unavailable caregivers his parents have been( in his words once). My only goal now is to raise healthy children by being a healthy adult and this content immensely helps. Thank you so so much!💛

Yess exactly on point. My ex tried to punish me for saying his real things on his face. So he tried to punish me by breaking up. But I knew the game and got out of this mess early. Thank you doctor 💗

I realized that crying babies unglued me (grands crying created anxiety) in talking with my son I blurted out “no one ever came.” This was a huge aha moment. I was a head-banger as a child & used to rock to self soothe. Comforting each other works well ❤️

When my son was born Attachment Parenting was all the rage and everyone talked about attachment theory and I knew so many parents who "wore" their babies and slept with their kids forever, and required that their infants be on their persons at all times. These people often criticized me because I didn't do that. I see some commenters commenting that they did this type of parenting so they did the right thing. I saw a lot of what I interpreted as narcissitic attachment parenting being called the right way to parent. The parents were so into being seen as perfect parents who were obsessed with doing this Attachment Parenting style right. I saw some of them as more "anxiously attached." For myself, I had to listen to a lot of their B.S. because I didn't parent in that style, and the primary reason was my son refused that style. He hated to be "worn" because he wanted to see out, so he prefered a stroller where he could look out, but I got so much grief from people for not wearing him close to me. Also, I could not sleep with him because he was so active and it seemed to make him wake up a lot. He chose not to breastfeed at 11 mo., as well. I tried to see what HE needed, not what I needed so that I could convince myself I was a good parent and pat myself on the back. I've missed a lot of cues and been a bad parent at times, but I hope that he feels allowed to be who he is and feels secure and loved because of that, and does not feel burdened by my shortcomings.

Thank you for creating a video that a layman can understand. It's very enlightening.

Yes, that is what I feel my narcissist is trying to get me to do, be his parent and that somehow it is my job to fix him until he becomes this equal partner. And if I think he needs to fix himself I have done some grand injustice to him. He doesn’t see he failed to live up to the promises he made. Everyone else in his life treats this like his issues are just normal weaknesses and he is being abandoned and do not see who he really is.

I remember this from Child Development class. The anxiously attached child grows into an adult who's had many years of managing their fears without overcoming them. So, their relationships are now dominated by fears of loss and how to manipulate an attachment out of others, knowing they can never get it based on trust alone.

Rant: Once a person reaches a certain level of maturity, explanations for problem behavior bother me for one reason: Lots of people suffer lots of early trauma, sickness, death, and loss, but, by and large, their chosen core values determine how they react. A person committed to nonviolence of body and mind would never take their issues out on another or ignore someone in their presence. Those who don’t care about honesty, integrity, communication, etc., tend to act like dysregulated toddlers throughout their lives. I’m tired of “excusing” bad behavior because of a “traumatic past.” There is no excuse, there is only commitment to decency or not. Freedom doesn’t mean free to be cruel. True freedom comes from self-control.

Oh My Goodness!! The wanting reassurance from me but also wanting to punish me is what completely killed the relationship. He would get mad at me for being busy with work, not being able to talk on the phone because I was sleepy or not seeing him enough but as soon as I try to correct my behavior by calling him, making plans to see him, canceling meetings so I had more time for him, etc then he'd punish me for days and weeks with cold, rejecting, passive aggressiveness, deflection and bringing up the same argument over and over again. It was exhausting. And then he'd get mad at me for threatening to leave him or actually ending things with him and blame me for ruining the relationship by leaving. It's good to know that I couldn't rescue him because I wanted to save him and get him help and show him love but it was killing me. My body felt literal pain whenever I talked to him. His mother was abusive and neglectful so its definitely an issue with childhood trauma. Some times I still wonder if I could've done more but I would've hurt no only myself but also my child if I did. I just can't give 100% of myself to anyone. I exist and my feelings and needs matter too.

Thank you Dr. R. today, nearly every day, and for more than a year of enlightenment. 💔 getting stronger daily.

I was extremely thankful to my one parent who gave me so much love. And if my aunts are listening, THANK YOU, I needed you. It's true, if you just have older person you can count on, you can make it. I think.

This made me cry today, for the child I was, and who this made me. I feel actual pain and wish I could have parented that small child........ how anyone could have harmed them and continue to harm the adult they became I cannot get my head around it 🙏

The burn out....its soul sucking.

As a psych major we definitely covered and discussed attachment theory, attachment phases by Bowlby and attachment styles by Ainsworth! I wrote a paper on attachment theories and how neglect disregulates such styles and leads to possible personality disorders! One of my many favorite topics in the class!! Thank you Dr. Ramani for more insight on such theory!

Great informational video 🙂 I'm a substitute teacher and I have noticed narcissist traits in SOME of the students around age 8-10 years. I also know most of these kids came from broken families. I have heard some heart breaking stories from the kids myself. Some students have even called me (mom). Anyways I'm thinking some narcissism is on the raise due to the break down of families and likely both parents will have to work full-time to support themselves. So this leaves less time to be with their children. Also being a single parent can be very stressful and if they do remarry or have a partner, it comes with its own set of problems. Teachers and students should learn about narcissism and realize it's becoming a problem. Knowledge is power 💕👍

NOT my job to re-parent my partner(s). That felt yucky-incestuous even. Not willing to do it. Partner with, yes. Re-parent? Oh NO WAY

I certainly agree. I’m a narc survivor and I saw the same reaction play back-and-forth over and over! I thought I was losing my mind! I have learned so much from you and appreciate your work so much! You have no idea to the reality Of you helping us survive and get well mentally! Thank you for your hard work!❤

Love your work, Doc, and wanted to share that the reason the mental health profession doesn't know the root cause of narcissism or the other cluster B's is that they don't even consider the spirit of the person. We all have free will to choose to either keep a tender heart and be a loving empathic person, or to harden our heart and be focused on self and out to fulfill our own desires with no concern for others. We can choose to be open to God and serve Him, or to serve the evil one and be under his control. The cluster B personalities are the ones who are the abusers of others. They lie, steal and kill. Those are the works of the evil one who God's word says "came to steal, kill, and destroy.," and that "He is the Father of lies."

Dr.Ramani I see you reaching over a million subscribers by the end of 2022. Your knowledge & information is so helpful, and absolutely life changing. Thank you for keeping us educated on a subject that’s unfortunately not talked about as much.

Thank you for your guidance. Looking forward to this episode.

To begin with, I thought my ex Narc had an avoidant type attachment disorder. I was wrong. She was (is) a full blown Narc. She is out of my life almost 2 years now but still hoovers. I would not even give her the time of day much less a split second of my attention. I love coming back to Dr. Ramani’s videos because I learn and because those lessons are reinforced. Thank you, Dr. Ramani and all the lovely peeps who share in the comments. It’s great to not feel “alone” and confused.

Thank you Dr. Ramany. I think my adult daughter is a narcissist. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’m afraid to call or text her because I’m afraid I’m going to agitate her and make it harder for my grandsons. My daughter just turned 33, she really started to show signs(change) in 2019. Things got worse the end of 2019 when her grandmother passed away and one of her younger cousins passed away 3 days after her grandmother. She goes from wanting us( her dad and I) in her life to not wanting any contact. The last time we spoke was on my birthday last month, the conversation started off good and then she started bringing up things from the past.( only negative times/things , she never brings up anything positive) She’s always been closer to me(her dad was in the Navy and gone quite a bit) She doesn’t want anything to do with us and won’t let us see our grandson. My heart is shattered. I miss her and the kids so much. Can you touch base on having an adult narcissistic child and how to communicate with them? Thank you again, I’m so glad I found you.

Dr. Ramani when you said a, "tantruming adult child" was soooo my exhusband and I was the wife who tried to be his all and everything. But of course nothing worked, I pushed for therapy and by the end I was so exhausted. I literally felt like the weight of the world lifted when we got divorced and even then he stalked me. It was horrible but your videos have helped me so much to understand what was going on in the relationship and all my relationships. Thank you.

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I have so many insecurities about my parenting, especially as I realize how many mistakes I made while parenting my children. It breaks my heart that I didn’t know better, and that I wish I could reparent my children now with the knowledge and tools I’ve acquired now in my later years. Too late for my children. I just pray that my heart was indeed in the right spot in those days, for my sake. But for my children’s sake, it just breaks my heart that I contributed to their pain in ways that I can’t fix now. I got better with the younger children, but my poor older children weren’t so lucky. This life is messy and I appreciate hearing the de-vilifying statements from you, because I’ve sure heard them from my oldest two children very loudly and clearly. They have been devastating to hear over and over through the last 10+ years or so - longer from my oldest child. I definitely could have done better, and I wish I would have. Thank you for your perspective. And thank you for cracking open the door of hope that maybe I am not 100% to be blamed for some of my children’s misfortune and profound sadness. Thank you. I’ll hang on to that little bit of hope. ❤️

I did worry about attachment with my children since I had avoident and anxious attachments to my parents individually. I know that when my youngest was a baby I was not really present due to emotional issues and we all (My two partners and our two other children) felt like we had fallen down on the job. He was about 5 when we really started to see some ill effects....we made a concerted effort to redirect our energies to supporting him and along the way our adult children were able to start healing from the issues they felt when they were children. Thank you for giving me hope that our efforts will prove to be good enough to prevent our children from suffering needlessly from their parent's emotional attachment issues. We continue to be open, available and accepting of our responsibility for thier anger, resentments and more importantly for their praise when they see the effort. I am SO glad our brains grow and change as we age...goodness knows during those dark years we dealt with our dying parents and their own issues we weren't at our best as parents. There are three of us co-parenting our three children but we still sometimes feel like we have massively screwed up! Thanks again Dr. Ramani for shining a light in such a dark room....Just last night my oldest complimented all three of her parents on how even though none of us had a real map of how to be good enough parents we still managed to surprise her on how committed we all three are to being just that: Good enough. I had to admit that these videos are my best teacher though. :)

Sometimes as I continue to learn about covert narcissism, I feel like I'm on the Matrix movie and have taken the red pill. My paradigm of how I see many has changed. This is a great thing, but I'm no longer the same. Upgrades! Smiles!

“It only takes ONE consistent parent” THANK GOODNESS!!!🙏🏼👏🏼❤️ I try to help my son, by learning him to analyse behaviour and feelings. He’s only 3 years old, but talking about how the characters in a cartoon might feel, and why they do this and that, and talking about what is right or wrong… Also addressing some issues.. not ever talking bad about his dad, but still addressing that his dad doesn’t always keeps his promises. Kinda like “sometimes dad has so many good ideas, but it is not possible to do/have/follow through on all of them. I understand why you’re disappointed..”

"It's not the world we live in" Makes me wish of a world full of empaths instead of full of narcissists that one day I could live in.

Really really helpful. Narcissism runs in my family but the buck stops here. Teaching my kiddos to really value each other is helpful...and making sure they no all people are created equal and GOD IS NO RESPECTOR OF PERSONS.

Interesting. I always assumed most narcissists have more of an avoidant attachment style since they emotionally detach so easily once the initial thrill of the chase is over. Also because they are notorious for cheating. I can see how it may turn anxious in times when the other person may want to cut ties, but my experience with the narcissists in my life has been that, once they believe they have you in the bag, they could hardly even care to feign interest unless it's in an effort to hurt / upset you.

Just befor our break-up. The pull in and the punishment were constant. Being accused of not helping when he needed me but no question for help was posed. When I confronted him i am being pacified / distracted with a flattering comment. Such inconsistent and crazy making interactions. And in my experience talking about what just happened only ends up into an argument or a spoilt day. I recognize me trying to rescue him being that parent, trying to safe the relationship. It was heart breaking. Thank you for the clearity.

Great video! It is so good to hear your professional take on attachment styles. Thanks Dr. Ramani :)

The best explanation of attachment theory and how it relates narcissism. I so wish you had been my teacher when I was studying psychology. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

I’ve never seen a 51 year old act like such a child. I’m burned out, I feel for her mom. Like a good neighbor stay over there. Yep mom was the narc example.

Really liked the acknowledgment that codependency is based in anxious attachment whether it’s narcissistic codependency or not, but I don’t think most people catch-on to it. To be a survivor of narcissistic abuse and view perpetrators and victims in a grossly oversimplified black-and-white way is the very definition of narcissistic splitting itself… and it’s rampant.

I fostered two children, for five and a half years, who have multiple diagnoses, both physical and mental/emotional, including Reactive Attachment Disorder. I have now adopted them, about 15 months ago. I’m struggling with this! It’s like they don’t want to be loved... don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think it would get better over night. I didn’t expect it to get even worse. I feel like the worst parent on earth and so inadequate! Three broken people, one trying to keep us together and form a family and two fighting tooth and nail against everything. Though they both told the courts, GAL, CPS, their biological parents, and attorneys and the agency that did our homestudy that this is what they wanted!! Their actions and inactions, their lack of communication just exacerbates it

The last part of this video was so important for me. I know I was a good, secure attachment for my daughter but I strongly believe she was born with narcissist tendencies. Now that may be genetic and/or epigenetic since I was raised by an authoritarian parent and a neglectful, unemotional, unattached parent. I have been in therapy a long time and have CBT and DBT skills. Every therapist we worked with gave me the same advice I was already following: good boundaries, clear rules, praising good behavior. But raising her was incredibly difficult. My ex-husband was abusive and authoritarian and I was forced to have 50-50 custody. I believe my daughter was incredibly angry at me for leaving her exposed to his abuse and took it out on me in horrendous ways. However, as her brain developed and she finally started to be willing to use skills, listen to her therapists, and take accountability for her own behaviors, she has come out the other side. I'm not sure we managed to entirely dodge the narcissist bullet (covert narcissism), we have avoided BPD. So I'm thrilled with that. She is a kind, empathetic person to most people she is around and has made enormous strides in being empathetic towards me too. So telling me that I wasn't a bad parent that caused her narcissism is really important to me. Thank you.

So, I never had an issue with hello/goodbye until my husband. He had a coldness that would come over him when we said goodbye/hello. I would linger to try to get the normal response I had in healthy relationships...which would lead to frustration with both of us. My parents/extended family/ex boyfriend and his family would hug/say loving words/linger a lil and part ways waving/blowing kisses/etc. So, I was in shock not knowing what to do with my husband and felt absolutely rejected which led to being sad and angry eventually. 11 years in and it is like pulling teeth to have him give a kiss or acknowledgement that I exist when he comes home or leaves. Growing up I saw my Dad immediately go to my Mom and give her a loving embrace and kisses/I love you when he got home from work everyday. With my narc, he exhibits dismissive attachment. I did notice that when I started coming around his parents....eventually his Mom would tell his Dad to hug him and for him to hug his Dad....soooo...that was interesting.

I had (and continue to have) a negative form of attachment to situations or people who don’t treat me very nice. I’ve noticed it and trying to work on it. I give more than the healthy amount of chances to someone who I know won’t change. Thanks doctor.

13:00 I've been watching your videos for the past few months and, while a lot of content is relatable and makes sense, this really hits the nail on the head for me. Stuck in a constant hell of trying to soothe my partner while also trying to get them to notice and fix some of the glaring issues (which are often self-inflicted). I remember near the end of our short-lived relationship they told me about some poor decision they made and were bragging about how they "got away with it". Instead of laughing and going along with it I called them out on it, and immediately they became extremely angry at me, accusing me of things that didn't happen or that just didn't make sense. Now that I can look back on it with more clarity it's interesting to see how narcissists often use projection as a last line of defense. You know you've really hit a pain point when the other person starts throwing a bunch of BS at you.

Dr.. Ramini, I hear you!! Loud & clear! Takes me time to process what you say & what I hear. There are times when certain information is quite scary before I get the "aha" moment. So off with the guilt baggage, I did the best I could under the circumstances. My adult kids are so different, equally lovable. Protecting myself now is my first & foremost priority. Forever so grateful for your blessed videos 🙏

I can’t help but think of the pregnancy and birth experience of the mother and how that plays into temperament. I had an emergency c-section and they had to begin cutting before I was numb. Once it was safe to gas me, they did so. But I can’t help but notice a kind of residual panic in that child. The children that I had calm pregnancies and normal child births are calmer. I also have a child where my pregnancy with was stressful. I notice this child is hyper sensitive.

I could write a book about the experiences I had for over 15 months. He was also mixing drugs and liquor with his narcissism. I went into this Friendship trying to help him, not knowing anything about narcissism or drugs! Only after he threaten to kill my granddaughter Did I finally wake up! He even asked me if I thought he was narcissistic. I remember hearing the term in psych 101 in college that did not study it any further. When he got in jail I looked up on the Internet thru RU-vid And found you on RU-vid and started learning and that was in December 2021 and I haven’t stop learning since then! You absolutely A difference in my life!

My experience, having had an avoidant, raging Narcissistic mother and multiple Narcissistic girlfriends, including my last one, has been the opposite. Avoidant people don't know how to express care and empathy, receive feedback, or to self-reflect well. Stonewalling and Silent Treatment are familiar hiding places for more avoidant types. Having healthy boundaries is one thing. Avoiding intimacy or accountability is another. Insecurely attached people, yes, struggle with feeling secure, but they are more attuned to their partners, and tend to be more caring, available and kind. I really like most of your content, and your videos are helping me recover from a recent break up with someone with huge Narcissistic tendencies, more of a Covert nature. But this assessment about Narcissists being usually insecurely attached feels partly off in my experience. This said, I imagine there is a range of why people become Narcissistic.

Knowledge is Power. Thank you for these educational posts. You are saving lives.

I had a narcissistic friend whom I just cut off contact with very recently. Our sons were friends as well and would play online games together. Their friendship started off really well until the time when we started taking away my son’s computer privileges due to disciplinary issues and that meant that he didn’t have any contact with my friend’s son for a while. Well, it didn’t take long until he started messaging my husband and I everyday, asking to play with our son. On times that my son just wanted to play by himself or do other things, he would call him by Facetime, even while we were eating dinner. It became too much for us and now we realize that it’s because he turned out to be a narcissist with attachment issues. The apple did not fall far from the tree as it seems and we have completely cut off contact to save any of us the stress of having to deal with them.

For past 1 and half year I'm reading and understanding the attachment theory. And it has now become one of the most dominant lens I view the world with.

I was wishing you would do a video on attachment styles. I had read about them before, but the author put an emphasis on the avoidant style as the source of narcissism, and the anxious style as a source of borderline issues. There was also the old wives tale of gender roles in their descriptions. I think he was going with narcissism as a diagnosis and not a descriptive term. Thank you for clearing it up. I had been misinforming people as the self proclaimed local expert of narcissism. Thank you for being here for us! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

I couldn’t leave the room when my daughter was a baby. Putting her is her crib at night she cried and cried for me. Leaving her at daycare at age 4 was horrible. She would hang onto my leg and not let me leave every single day for a year. As a 33 year old adult she is a grown up version of this insecure kid. I thought I was there for her. I thought I was that stable base. I raised a narcissist who lived with me to age 31. Now she’s gone and married and we are no contact. I was abused for a decade and didn’t know it. It’s heart wrenching.

Does anyone else have a partner who, when you’re trying to step out the door to get to work or you’re late for a medical appointment (anything!) he/she starts talking to you about stuff that can absolutely wait but they just won’t stop talking until you tell them you’ve gotta go? And sometimes even then they don’t stop?

I studied Attachment Theory during my MA in Social Work (UK), which was not only useful for my practice, but also brought understanding to my own childhood relationship with parents. Thanks for highlighting the connection to narcissim.

Wow! That was loaded with content. There's a lot to unpack here. Thanks for a job well done!

Omg, this was the most spot on segment I have seen so far that describes my kids’ father. It gets right to the worst behavior and the way it triggers my mothering instinct. I just didn’t realize it was happening between myself and the sig. others in my life. They need to teach psychology in high school. I wish I could have known before. Hopefully my children can be more aware and avoid some of my mistakes. And again, thank goodness that it only takes one secure parent to stabilize the little ones for life. Imagine if it took two or more. We’d all be extinct probably. Ramani is so correct in her vision of a world where the majority of people had two or more safe and loving parents. We’d be so much further ahead.

This topic reminds me of the saying, "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

Yes! I’ve heard of this when I was in the medical field. At that time, the name for an infant being left without having any of their cycles being met, (crying, eating, diaper changing, pain, attention) the necessary basic needs. These children grow up to be “A Child with A Dark Heart.” That was the name. There’s an actual movie on lifetime channel (1990’s) about it. We all know when a child has their basic necessities met, they, smile, coo and perhaps giggle. These are signs we seek to help you know you’re doing things right. The child has their necessities met. In my humble opinion, these infants and then children, grow to be narcissist’s and worse.😕 THANK YOU ALWAYS DR. RAMANI 💕

This is interesting. Thank you. I have seen the push/pull in adult relationships.

Almost 40 years of the push pull. I cannot express how much I appreciate your informational videos. They shed so much light on my upbringing and adult life. Why I chose who I chose to marry and what the result of that has been. I'd send a thank you note if I could!! I suppose a comment will have to do. Thank you.

I had always thought the narcissists in my life were dismissive avoidant but now that your describe the traits of anxious attachment in relational styles, yes that’s exactly what I experienced. I guess it was the punitive aspect that made it seem dismissive and avoidant. Likewise heading into the discard there is a great sense of dismissiveness and rejection

I wish I had found this channel 10-15 years ago, but I am thankful to have it now. My husband and I both come from narcissistic origin families. We've worked through a lot of issues and will celebrate 25 years this year. How ever, one of our sons had major medical issues and our other son endured some years where we just weren't there for him like we should have been. I worry about him since he is very quiet and distant, but he's also not especially hateful, mean-spirited or selfish. He's pretty resilient. I hope that my husband and I were able to get our ducks in a row in time to give him what he needed

Your description of Avoidant Attachment is definitely me. No question. I was raised by a narcissistic step father and an alcoholic father. My mother wasn't exactly the mothering type. Now as an adult, I don't care if people stay or go. In fact, I'd rather they go, including my own kids. I prefer my own company

I am a nerd. So when I got pregnant with my son I was 32. I read Dr.Spack, Everything to know when your pregnant and a lot about the importance of responding to your child's needs. It said that's how they learn trust as their needs are getting met. My son came early so I felt it was even more important for me to be close to him. I breastfed for 11.5 months. When he came home, he wasn't even a bag of sugar @ 3 lb 14oz, and now is 6'3", 180 and still growing. Lol. I work in a PICU and I am a RCP so my Pediatrician knew me and I had to take him in to Dr 3/ wk. But he was home. Sorry I rambled . But I am so so grateful to you. I wish I could bless the lottery on you quietly. Lol, I just want to say thank you. I have orange stickers t/o my house and car to remind me to receive empathy:) God Bless you and all the staff I am getting healthy at 53!!! Little by little.

As an anxiously attached young adult woman who experienced emotional abandonment and trauma as a child and is now working on not bringing the resulting emotional hunger and neediness to romantic relationships, I have to say it makes a lot of sense that my attachment style is the one that many narcissists have. In those moments where I am trying SO hard to be heard and get my needs met, it completely slips my mind to reciprocate that empathy and emotional availability. However, I do want to add that I feel what you described as "putting on your rescuer hat" is also a hallmark sign of anxious attachment in the partner of the narcissist. In my personal experience, I used to put on my rescuer hat because my self-worth was so low that I thought no one would want me, but if someone at least NEEDED me they couldn't leave me. Obviously anxious attachers can be narcissists, but on the flip side I think they can also be ideal targets FOR narcissists. I'm also curious about what avoidant attachment might look like in a narcissist? This attachment style tends to get its name dragged through the mud (unfairly, in my opinion) a LOT. Many of their deactivating strategies, such as putting you down to downplay their love for you, deflecting, and just generally being cold at times can also look like narcissism, even when it's not. I am in no way saying that all people with either attachment style are narcissists. It makes sense that avoidant attachers don't need the constant validation and reassurance that anxious attachers and narcissists do, but I'm curious if avoidant attachers can also be narcissistic. How would that play out?

I just learned about this in Developmental Psychology and had already made the anxious attachment style and narcissism connection when I started listening to your videos. I can definitely see it.

Learned about attachment theory in maternal/newborn nursing class- but we only focused on newborns and didn’t cover how these styles can follow a person into adulthood. Could have pieced things together alot sooner had we covered that nearly ten years ago.

This video is soooooo helpful Dr. Ramani! I have a 14 year old daughter that is having to to the “back and forth” between me and my extremely narcissistic x-husband, due to the court order. She is already learning his hot/cold personality and his inconsistency. He will yell at her about something so minute and small, and then an hour later he’s asking her if she wants to get ice cream and being overly sweet. She said she’s learned that when he’s nice to her, just wait…the rage is coming again. She’s opened up to me a lot snd I always assure her that it’s safe with me and not to worry about me saying anything to him (unless of course she’s in harm’s way). She has expressed to me the freedom she feels knowing that what she shares with me is confidential, b/c she knows the moment it gets back to him, she will be “punished” for it. It seriously breaks my heart for her they dye has to deal with this. But it has definitely made her stronger. When you said a child just needs 1 stable and consistent parent to help them “not to become narcissistic”, this gave me hope. I’m not perfect by any means, but I work hard to be the “safe and stable” place for my girl and it has really paid off in our relationship. Consistency and nurture is key. Thank you for all you do!!!

Oh, yes! Thank you for mentioning the role genetics could be playing in Narcissism. Looking at my family dynamics over 3 generations I feel certain there must be some kind of genetic predisposition that determines who develops NPD. On Instagram, I used to follow a psychiatrist that dealt with Narcissism. I got talking with another follower about our families and how there must be some genetic element. The psychiatrist interrupted to say that we were wrong. When the other follower and I continued our conversation about our families and that we still think there must be some genetic aspect the psychiatrist blocked me!

I really found this video insightful in that I think as a parent I too formed an attachment that was probably based on my childhood. Having recently found out I was adopted, I have learned to associate behaviors with childhood trauma, and this really hit home with me, especially the push-pull anxiety attachment. My youngest experience that kind of anxiety attachment, and I was really never sure why, never sure what I could do to alleviate that fear of separation from her. It was always the same good night ritual at bedtime when it triggered this behavior of hugs-no-hugs, it was frustrating! She did not grow up to be narcissistic, I'm happy to say. But anxiety is definately a part of our lives, and we are coping with it the best way we can. Your videos are so appreciated, so helpful, and I'm Soo glad to have found you! 💗

What do y'all think- I think ideally BOTH parents would be consistent and there. Because I have met a MANY men with narcicissm that had full blown stay at home moms, but father's that just were not there / absent and inconsistent. The daddy issues are REAL

I’ve learned so much fro You. Thank you. I have detached myself from my narc. No contact for 3 months now it’s so liberating. THANK YOU for being you. Don’t feel the need to be apologetic to the sensitive people. You speak the truth, the truth hurts. 🤔