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Thank you for all that you are doing Dr. Jerry Wise. I am using three of your videos as methodological ways to work with my therapist. Wish me good luck sir. Your work is transcending borders for you have a listener even here in southwest Africa (Angola being the country) of all places and that's saying something believe me. You can probably, due to the destitute nature of the african paradigm and with the historicity of colonialism make the assumption/presumption that intergenerational mental illness and narcissistic family dynamics are very prevalent in african societies but people are very ignorant of it and it is hindering our development. I wrote you another comment yesterday in a previous video, I hope you read it sir, I reiterate my gratitude for your work, you explain it so simply which reveals epistemological wisdom in the subject matter you excel at.
I’ve learnt to dodge it. I spend the holiday period reading a slew of books from start to finish undisturbed. My ex’s family grew to not expect me to show up on Christmas Day.
My whole family has told me repeatedly since I was a child that “friends can get up and leave anyday. Family is blood. That’s the real important thing.”
I hate this time of year. The Christmas season is the time of year society expects your to just coddle your toxic family and it's hard to get around it.
I would stop this toxic circuit during my 20s after my first years in a new town and employment. I would celebrate a wonderful Christmas dinner and party with friends while leaving my hypocrite parents alone, telling them I was already on ski vacation and not available. It was such a relief and liberating!
One thing that needs to be said over and over: when you think unhealthy is "normal," you will also see healthy as "abnormal," and end up gravitating towards relationships in your own life that feel comfortable... aka "normal." Hence the abuse cycle continues. It took me years to break that cycle. So many years... 😔
I almost left my current relationship after six months because something didn’t feel right. Fortunately I had done a lot of work on myself after leaving an emotionally unstable relationship. Me, myself and I had a long talk. I figured out that I was so used to drama that I was somehow bored. Twenty years later, I made a good decision.
💯💯💯💯 my husband and his family seemed so weird and "off" to me because they were a truly healthy example!!!! Its mind boggling now looking back. So grateful for my husband's patience with me while I woke up and healed 🙌🏻❤️ they have all been amazing and so supportive!
Screenshotting this comment as a reminder. Thank you. I am 39 just realizing how toxic my family was. Did not know what a boundary was until last year. I used one and my mother just vanished after calling me every name, denial, blaming it all on my dad, and when that didn't work, gaslighting me and telling me I am paranoid. And I did marry a narcissist at 18. Basically my entire life has been nothing but a shitshow.
@@CorbinB-Rax It's funny how parents only know how to punish us in Ibrahimic homes but don't know the rights that they owe to us. It's said on judgment day we would be judging our parents not the other way around.
Yep. If I cried my father would raise his hand and yell at me....quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about. At age 8 I broke my arm, my writing arm. Father wrapped it it with a cloth. I fussed for 2 weeks that it hurt. I was ignored and told to quit whining. It took a teacher who told my parents my arm was broken. Finally got a cast after 2 weeks.
My mother would do that to me. Yell at me horribly, I put my head down, she would tell me by yelling to raise my head & say something. When I did, she would tell me to shut up. Everyday I was silenced & was just supposed to accept it. Very mentally abused
I'm sorry. I wasn't allowed to be sad, my parents would punish me. I wasn't allowed to be happy or my siblings would tear me down and bully me. I ran off into the woods a lot...
@@Michelle_9_27Same here. Even my older sister would behave that way to me, because our mother had more expectations from her. I admit my sister was treated poorly, but I was treated worse since I was the scapegoat of the family.
October 1995 went no contact with my clueless, in denial, emotionally immature, blame shifting, negligent, insecure, unassimilated, verbally abusive, loveless, unlovable "parents", at the age of 31. Best fucking thing I ever did for myself
I wasn't allowed to be sad, angry, or even be happy. My father and mother were allowed to be all those things. However I was punished for having any of those feelings. So I learned early to have no emotion and to try to be as invisible as possible.
My mother used to tie me up as a child. Guess she thought I would not remember. One Holiday me and my siblings and I were talking about our childhood. The subject came up about being tied up, and they said it happened to them, too. My mother, to this day, denies it ever happened. The memories of 5 children are all wrong. I have been broken my whole life and did not know why. I'm 54 and am trying to put my life back together.
@libertyordeath8983 that response might be well meant, but it's not helpful. I'm saying this as a believer. Everyone falls short, but not everyone abuses. God loves us with perfect love, but some people ARE capable of healthy and mostly unconditional love, while abusers aren't. I can't imagine reading a story of being tied up by your parent as a young child and thinking "we all fall short" is a helpful response.
I hear up. Keep doing the work that you need to love yourself. If your mother is still narcissistic, feel free to distance yourself. You deserve better. You will heal, just never give up on that beautiful little girl who had to put up with the bs behavior from childhood.
You are not alone, I am cusping 57 and have been no contact for years yet haven't done the "Work" to recover. My Sleastack (from Land of the Lost) of a mother began primal screaming and kicked my older sister out of the house with no car keys on a.Christmas when we both dared to remember out loud that she ( alcoholic, schizophrenic, chain smoking.unshaven, greasy headed beast of a woman) picked us up from a birthday party in her underwear. It was raining and all the little girls at the party were waiting at a big picture window for the their parents to drive up. She looked like a diseased cat as she wobbled up the paved path the the front door. I'll never forget feeling as cold as ice and the gasps from the children and then the deafening silence. I remember clinging to the birthday girls Dad and begging him to not make me go with her, because I knew what follow. I'll never forget him physically putting me in the back seat and then leaning in and asking her over and over again if she was OK to drive. He worked for my pathological,. cocaine addict of an Exfather, and was probably terrified losing his job. Sadly, I was already making excuses for my awful Exparents. I remember telling the kids at school that My mom had been swimming and her bikini just looked like underwear.
"As parentified children, we see others' inability to look after themselves as an invitation for us to over-function." That quote unlocked something for me. Thank you for your videos!
1-verbal abuse (12 subcategories) 2-gaslighting, (making you doubt yourself, lying, manipulation) 3-emotional neglect 4-conditional love 5-parentification (children forced to take on adult responsibilities or caregiving) 6-scapegoating 7-silent treatment
@@mfar3016I broke the cycle after cutting off my mom and work so hard to make sure I don’t become her to my children. I often think what would my mom have done and do the opposite.
I have been harmed by all 7. Fuck that. Determined to heal and am making headway with the guidance of a somatic therapist. Many blessings on our process to heal from this awful shit
Going NO CONTACT is a last resort attempt at self preservation usually arrived at almost too late to assuage the mental , emotional and physical damage done by narcissistic families .
This is why its so frustrating when people are confused as to why you cut your family out. Ive met lots of people that dont understand how much it took before I finally took that step. Its not a rash decision over one disagreement.
@@kristinm4005 They see us as the "ungrateful daughter/son" who didn't take care of their aging parent(s). We were expected to give them what they never gave us.
You were groomed to their ego, not to what is right or wrong. And they attached “right and wrong” to their ego”, without you realizing it (when you were growing up, and your mind was malleable - literally, from a Nueropsychological standpoint)
@@r1234233Exactly! They stand in the way of the true God by twisting & perverting him to their own wants, like with most everything else for them. It’s disgusting, but it’s so easy for people around them to fall into their snares… and those people notice the negative effects of being around them later. That’s how cults are made…God help us 🙏
I just e-mailed my parents a letter explaining why I want to go NC for a year. It was hard to come to this decision. And my parents responded saying I’m sensitive and that physical and verbal abuse happens in every family. Grateful to have communities like this that remind you to trust the evidence.
This is the fear of attempting to reconcile. Somehow the parent(s) are always the victim and you are always the oversensitive one. Sorry you got that response, hope you have a great 2024!
I remember my mother screaming at me because I asked for groceries I could pack for lunch. I said I was confused because I didn’t understand what she was eating for breakfast or lunch since there was no food in the house. She had been going out to restaurants every day…
@@youtubename7819 I'm sorry that was your childhood experience, I had to steal from my dad's change stash for cigarettes so I could afford school supplies. In his mind I'm still a thief, he accused me of stealing stuff he lost later in life and his behavior is why I don't talk to him anymore. "We found the stuff" was the closest he could come to an apology. I wish you well on your recovery journey and thank you for sharing.
@@youtubename7819 i’m sooo sorry for you. my gkids went through that. i was CONSTANTLY taking them food bc they'd call me & say there was nothing- but she would get mad AT ME and say there was!!! now my oldest grandson at 18 is OVEREATING bc he can and making himself sick A LOT! please take care🙏
Yep. Most kids grow up thinking that their parents are normal. I definitely believed in that. I had nothing else to go by. I thought everyone’s dad verbally abused them. 🤷♀️
Same here! Then I moved far away, married a pastor and got to know many families very closely. I then realized how my family functions is not how most of other families function. Observing other families I learned what I experienced was in many ways very unhealthy. I try not to repeat it with my husband and kids.
I had to reach out to my dad recently. I said I was still going to stay no contact with my mother. He said my mom has "her own version of history," which made me think he doesn't believe me when I share about her bad behavior. I seriously started questioning myself -- did it all happen like I thought? Then my dad said my autism was caused by my mental health meds. 😐 Yeah, I'm staying no contact.
I used to think I had autism, and I might, but it's more likely that I learned dysfunctional styles of relating to the world and the people in it, I think it can be reversed with time in a healthy environment.
@@David-eu1ms I guess there's a lot about the brain and environment we still don't know a lot about yet. I wonder if a lot of us will have different "diagnoses" in 50 years (well, I'll be dead, but for the kids) In 2002 they thought I was bipolar, but not anymore. I think trauma molds us wayyy more than people previously thought, and more study needs to be done on it
@@David-eu1msI showed signs of autism from birth, they've also done studies on the brain and shown that autistic brains are different to neurotypical brains, but I definitely think that there are behaviours and patterns of dysfunction in families that can cause problems you're pointing out.
@@gojiberry7201 I have complex PTSD and now I'm doubting if I have some level of ADHD or is emotional disregulation... maybe both? Anyway, I have spent three years and severe fight and flight response and now I'm stuck in a freeze response. I can't see the end of the tunnel.
Parentification - this includes managing the feelings of the narcissist, especially anger and if that parent is physically abusive. The child will then do everything they can to be sure that the narcissist is stable. The child might also confuse the narcissist’s sadness for anger because that’s just as potentially dangerous. The explosive raging sessions is something that isn’t discussed much in NPD circles. Sometimes they go on for hours, like 3 hours or go long, like to midnight. Or are done in front of the whole family, forcing the family to stay and witness it. Sometimes the other parent will be dismissive of their own child’s physical abuse and say something like, well that was nothing like what the narcissist went through as a child. I think all kids of narcissists have some level of parentification because of this.
Oh my god! Yes! Walking around on eggshells because my father had the habit to blow up for no apparent reason. Like a song that gave him nostalgia or something. Or a smell that would remind him of a bad date that he had with my mother before they got married. He would rage for HOURS blaming my mother for not being loyal enough while keeping my brother and me in the room so we had to watch. Eventually he would let us go to bed at 3am because he remembered that we had to go to school in the morning. He beat my mom up several times and made me cover her black eyes with make up ( I was 15 at the time). At some point he put a cigarette out on her shoulder and for years she wouldn’t admit that he did it. All of that is so fucked up. When confronted my parents still try to argue that “all of our issues were between us and weren’t supposed to affect you kids”. Well, they did.
We definitely need to have more videos on narcissistic explosive rage. They can run on for hours or even all night and and long term narcissistic injury they carry for months or years after the explosive rage.
I recognise that when a parent behaves as if completely unable to acknowledge their child's perspective, emotions, boundaries, integrity, and instead thrusts upon their child their perspective and emotions and calling them facts of life, that is emotional incest. The child learns to escape reality in their home setting and develop escapist addictions, substances, shopping, scrolling, gaming, pornography, hookups, fantasies (can be narcissism OR codependence), obsessions and compulsions. These can be undone by understanding their origin, processing the early experiences, being witnessed as a real self and realising who we are. Needless to say I have described myself at a few points there. Thanks for another video! 🙏
Very well said. I've got heavily dissociated bc: one, my individuality was not acknowledged so I had to be hypervigilant to know how to please everybody. Two: reality was too painful to face and impossible to escape.
Remember "The Addams Family," the parents were deeply in love and acted romantic with each other, but their family was "weird," and "abnormal." That was a brilliant social commentary.
I love Addams family. I could watch the movies so many times when I dislike most "family movies". They loved each other and didn't care abt "fitting in".
Yes and they should have named it the CAINS FAMILY, not Adams....which is more narcissistic projection of these serpents who run hollywood and the TV industry!!
My alarm system was broken at a young age. I can remember several times when other people recognised and acknowledged that someone else had been rude to me or manipulative, and I often failed to see it. Abuse, in many forms, just goes under my radar until it's very obvious or outright dangerous. I feel like I am emotionally naked.
I stuttered and wet the bed until age 17 in a perfectly normal dysfunctional family. Why did I stop during my senior year? Hmmm? Maybe it was because my dad took a job away from home and was gone 90% of that time period and their golden boy, my older brother moved out and I was able to come out from behind the curtain of threats and shine my light. And that is what I did. I know in my heart that defending myself against a bullying older brother was the underlying preparation for becoming the first State Champion wrestler in my High School's history. And it was thee ONLY match that my dad saw my senior year....AND I remember him telling me afterwards, "Now don't be getting too big for your britches!" I went on to become a chiropractor, graduating at age 40. They both had their health, the time, and the money, but failed to attend. And then continue the lifetime of gaslighting, emotional abuse, by telling me at age 59, that I think I have become arrogant because of my piece of paper, my "doctors degree" in Chiropractic. And that I think that I am so much better than the rest of their kids. That was eight years ago. They are in their late 80s, and they haven't changed one bit. I have been no contact for eight years. and I am doing great. Except that I did, and still do over- explain myself. Enmeshment? I'd say! But, they always told me that they loved me... Get away from them!!!
I got tricked with the” I love you “ When I graduated nursing school my dad said “I’ll be proud of you when you’re a doctor “ Mother said nothing. Father danced wedding song I picked out for my wedding, with my sister at her wedding ! 😅 I’m glad you got a clue at a younger age !
I still over explaining myself also i hate it because i want to be loved but then people wouldn't understand in some culture the family is like never wrong, you are the wrong ones is so toxic.
I can relate to every word you typed... our details differ, but many of the same lessons !! Your closing phrase has been my perspective beginning back in 1982+ and 'subliminally'[sp?] age 10-30 ! Best wishes, comrade.
That is the most inspiring story I've read in a long while. And it's rather interesting how narcs react to your success. My story is similar, and if my abusers call me an arrogant bastard now, I live for it! That boosts my ego a little. Because I was never allowed to have an ego. I was nothing more than dust under their soles. If even they can acknowledge it now, that means I have managed to turn the tables completely. Not that it matters at all, I just find the irony of the situation pretty amusing. Really puts things into perspective.
Thanks for sharing and for finding a path to rise above the dysfunction (and hopefully breaking the intergenerational cycle). Just wondering what was your father’s relationship like with _his_ parents?….hmmm.
I was never allowed to show emotion. If I were angry or sad or even happy or silly, I was “just trying to get attention.” And, “who do think you are?” One of my father’s nicknames for me was “Big Dummy”. I learned to make myself “small” so I wouldn’t be a bother. My parents didn’t seem to like me and I didn’t know why. I was constantly told I was self-centered. I think their way of parenting was to make me not stuck up or think I was better than anyone else so they came down hard on me to keep me in check. I was always wrong and everyone else was always right. I spent my entire adulthood not speaking up for myself in relationships or in the workplace because I really believed I was always wrong and I should bear the brunt of disrespect or disappointment because that’s what I deserved. Now I’m in my 60’s and I’m finally coming out of it.
The thing when you grow up with narcissists is that you tend to develop a wrecked sense of Justice nor right and wrong. Abnormal behaviors are normalised and acceptable or simple mistakes are badly punished so either you end up being a people pleaser or you become narcissistic yourself. You start to rationalize toxic behaviors and you become toxic yourself at the end you don't know how to relate with other people and you end up hurting them without noticing. I developed high narcissistic traits myself, like anger issues, insubordination, and manipulation, because verbal abuse and threats was how I grew up and now I discovered that these behaviors are not normal but that is how I was educated.
Find your triggers and do inner child work. It's tough but worth it. Being narcissistic won't make you happy. You might have only narcissistic fleas since you are conscious.
@Lyrielonwind Certainly no pressure, but could you say more about what inner child work involves? Do you mean learning to listen to your younger self more kindly, and learning to be your own kind parent? I found one healthy friend I met in my mid-twenties enormously helpful for unlearning my narc family's unspoken rules. Just by being his honest, warm, forthright self. And pointing my weird behaviors out, without shaming me: " I can't read your mind. You'll have to tell me what you would like to do." And modeling healthy conflict and (inadvertently) teaching me how to do that :)
@@caroleminke6116 Plus one, Carole! Thanks for correcting that person about the reality of REACTIVE ABUSE. (So that they don't assume an unfair burden they NEVER should have in the first place) PS--makes this 50-year-old dude want to put in that classic Carole King album "Tapestry" again. I think I will put it en queue already
Narcissistic parents are so controlling and manipulative, and this made their children believe that whatever their parents say is the law; when somebody outside the family makes a point about the wrong mentality, that person becomes the enemy and would hate that person for life. They live in a false reality, they can't see the truth.
You have described my ex husband and his family to a T. I became the enemy for pointing out that abuse, control, enmeshment... Isn't love. They have tried their hardest to destroy me. Glad to be divorced. At almost 40 he still acts like a child and sees his parents and siblings as god like and can do no wrong. Meanwhile he treated me like his worst enemy for just seeing them for who they are
At 7 years old I was in charge of my 10 months old sister. With the house key around my neck, I had to take her to nursing school, 6 days, a week. later on in life, I had to do almost everything for her. Including getting her up in the mornings as she was "imune" to the alarm clock. I am convinced I decided not to have children on my own because I always felt I already did my "job" as a parent.
About competition, narcissists see competition in everybody. They are always competing even when there's no competition at all. If you say you have walked a mile, they have walked ten in less time than you. I have even seen narcissists bragging about their good health and then, someone complained about a physical condition and they switched so they were bearing more pain than anyone in the world... it's so ... crazy? I can't find a word for that.
You hit the nail on the head. My father, who is a covert alcoholic narcissist, took me to see a counselor when I was 11 years old. When the counseled asked him why we were there, my father said “Because Angelina is the root of all of our family problems.” I will never forget how that felt. I am now 46 years old and my father has been giving me the silent treatment since June 2007- I am still not sure of the exact reason. And don’t get me started on my mother. She is a sociopath who is constantly trying to destroy my reputation and relationships. I definitely prefer the silent treatment over what she does. At least my father leaves me alone…
Usually the counselor has to break it to the parent that it's not the kid, YOU'RE the problem and the parent freaks and they never go back to that counselor ever again.
This is my story only I was sent to councilling at age 15 because they couldn't control me, meaning i wouldn't go along with the status quo, and i was drinking and smoking a bit of dope not knowing I was an alcoholic till i was 40. I kept running away from home because i was unhappy, i was the scapegoat child and i was always sitting in doubt, fear, confusion and isolation. I was physically abused by one of my sisters and our dad was absent alot but when at home he was cruel and controlling and beat up our animals. Our mum was always saying don't tell your father, dont talk when your dad gets home, dont sit in his chair or make any noise, we walked on egg shells. When i was 18 my narcissistic mother met her biological father and he smoked dope, so now it was ok to smoke dope AND grow it, also their drinking got worse, she also got my narcissistic father smoking dope. My sisters blamed me, which wasn't a shock as they always blamed me when things went wrong, but when they wanted or needed something would ask me for help, im also the Empath and rescuer. Then my parent's got busted for growing dope so they sold the house and moved interstate, this was also my fault because my ex husband was looking for me and jumped their fence, neighbours called the police and saw the plants in the back yard. Not once was it my parents fault for growing the dope, my sisters rallied around my mum and dad and said how could she do this to you, you have to choose 3 daughters or 1, I think you can guess who they chose. My mum died 3 years ago, one of my sisters contacted me, I haven't seen any of them for over 25 years and i went to see my dad, huge mistake, he said I've never taken responsibility for what I did to this family , that my mum loved me as a daughter but hated me as a person, my sisters have never forgiven me for making mum cry all the time, mean while I hadn't seen her for 8 years. He told me he hated my mother in the end and that she committed suicide. I was devastated that they were still blaming me, I'm 55 now and even though I'm aware of what's going on it still hurts to know it was never, ever going to be a happy ending no matter what I did. I went to AA hoping if i got help with my drinking they would stop hating me, I've been sober now for 16 years, I don't go to councilling anymore, I know what the answer is, NO CONTACT. I've done everything I can and now I can sleep at night knowing it's never been my fault. I don't know what really happened to my mum, how she died but I know it wasn't my fault.
I never learned self love growing up - I learnt self loathing instead. It’s taken such a long time to learn to love myself and not loathe my very existence.
I felt that. What helps me is looking at myself on blank slate without counting my family against me if that makes sense. I realize I have a good life and I am a good person.
You're so right, Jerry. As small children, we appreciated there were problems -- good parents don't condemn their children with "I hate you!" or try to kill themselves in front of them. However, we didn't know what "normal" was. Thankfully God put a lot of wonderful people in my path, especially after I left home: they showed me there is genuine love, genuine peace and understanding.
I’m in my 30s and pregnant with my own daughter now. It has made me a lot less forgiving of my mom’s BS. There is no way I could ever treat my child the way she treated me. I grew up feeling like an object. I never mattered to her at all. Everything is always my fault. I deserve whatever cruel thing she says every time. She is broken.
I live in a town where military families settle and retire in California. Unfortunately, these things are the normal in society here. So many of my peers also had narcissist parents and bosses. It's pretty bad. Thankfully, my husband is blessed with an amazing boss and job that treats us very well. 😊 Note: I'm grateful for our veterans and their service, but the military can be a place where narcissists thrive and go under the radar...
Sadly as an army brat whose father was also an army brat whose family was run by a narcissistic father, I’d have to agree. Both parents were in the military. Sometimes I feel like I was raised by a drill sergeant instead of a nurturing mother.
I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you talk about enmeshment, Jerry. Not enough therapists do talk about it and it's so toxic and maddening. It IS abusive and it's created an immense amount of shame in me. Lots of healing to do. Thank you for validating this experience!!!!
I'm a senior citizen now, but I was never shone the kind of love, especially from my dad, that teaches a child how to love others. Even now, I don't know how to be close to anyone. I've been married 3 times, failed at all three. Yeah, like I said, I'm a senior citizen. But I still don't know how to have a close relationship with anyone.
I received no love from my narcissistic mother. Her favorite lines were: "If you did x,y,z you would look better." I thought I was one step away from needing a paper bag over my head so as not to scare people. I'm not gorgeous (I also never spent 45 minutes every morning putting on my face), but I am attractive. Another line was, "What would the neighbors think?!" In third grade, she thought I was having a nervous breakdown - did she take me to a doctor? NO. What would the neighbors think? Take coming from a mother who HAD a nervous breakdown after I was born. Makes me wonder how she coped with a baby at that time. Thank goodness my grandparents took care of me for the 3 weeks she stayed in the hospital - but because I bonded with them, I also thought I had been adopted when I had "a new mom." Mentioned that at a large party with all my friends and their parentd there (I was about 30 at the time), and I thought my mother would faint! I am the last of my immediate family still living, and it is peaceful.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and that this has been your life experience as a result of not being shown the love that you, and we all, deserve as children being raised by our parents. You deserved better, and I am praying for you. Your comment really hit me in the heart tonight, and I just wanted you to know that I empathize and find it brave that you are able to face these things in the later stages of your life. Keep going, keep watching videos and keep seeking to learn about the love that you want to be able to feel from others and give to others. It’s never too late. ❤️
Ooh….isolation! I never realized before that my family did this or how harmful it was. My brother and sister and I have always been isolated with only one or two friends all through our lives. 😢
Enmeshment is a huge one for me. My mother refuses to respect me as my own person. She doesn’t seem to understand the concept of me being an independent human being. Nothing I tell her makes a difference and I’ve literally tried to spell it out when I was going to move out. “Kids grow up, become an adult, move out on their own and have their own family. How am I supposed to have my own family if I stay here for my entire life?”. She still didn’t get it (or at least acted like she didn’t). I moved out anyway. Maybe now she’ll have some time to think on it.
Mine thought on it…. And then proceeded to make me feel guilty for not staying. When I set boundaries I was unfriended, blocked, cut off on everything and told to never call again. It’s been 7 years. If she’s not getting her narcissistic supply from you any longer, expect a lash back. Peace to you!
What makes me so mad is when your friends and people you see in the community act like it’s normal too. Narcissists couldn’t get away with this if society was good. But society is becoming more and more toxic and abusive.
i was grossly neglected/abused as a child. Self-love wasn't only untaught; it very clearly was not allowed. Nothing would get me punished deeper... I know why now.
@@angelika87 My mother hated me putting on makeup. She would stand at the bathroom door and say, "Do you think you're beautiful? How could you possibly be beautiful? Look at your family. You'll never be beatiful". She told me that professional men wouldn't look at me because they wanted "pretty" women. She once came unhinged because I said I loved a professional photo by saying, " I'd love a photo like that". She said, "SHE"S PRETTY!" with such disdain. I was out of line for thinking I had anything going for me. No one in my family witnessed it, but she had no problem humiliating me in front of strangers. I couldn't do anything right and my "attitude" was egotistical. She really destroyed me and then blamed me for being destroyed. She once told me I was the reason she didn't have any friends. But she didn't' notice that I had no friends. Monster and mother both begin with an "M".
My father would go into narc rages for hours. Sometimes for reasons that weren't ever known to me. Then when I would complain to my mom she would tell me I should be grateful that they weren't allowing relatives to rape me like had been done to her and my dad's sister (both parents came from homes where csa was common place obviously separate houses). I didn't realize how profoundly damaging that was for me. It always felt like a threat like she was going to let it happen any time if she wanted to. It was such a great threat that it really kept me in line. That was my mom's message growing up "be grateful for your abuse or I'll make it worse." And now people will wonder why we don't speak anymore.
When I set a boundarie it makes people very uncomfortable, and I usually have to reinforce a couple of times before it works, eventually the person will refuse to spend time with me.
I just had a eureka moment. I never thought parentification applied to my family, but I realize that it totally does. My parents would go on these business trips that sometimes lasted for weeks. My parents would never get a babysitter, we would never go to a relative's place. My abusive older brother would watch us, and then Id have to watch once that brother left home.
It was assumed that once I was legally old enough to be left home with my younger siblings, that I would be. Every day before and after school, until dinner time. I did not have the interpersonal skills required for that level of time and responsibility. I never actually got parenting after that age, either, they stopped trying to teach me anything or talk to me about morals or whatever normal families talk about.
my parents were always working just to stay in a middle class area that they couldn't afford. Then when they were home there was always physical fights. we never ate together ever even when I was young. My brothers never dealt with me and everyone just assumes everything about me without ever asking questions. I was kicked out at 19 and no one even helped I didn't know how to sort my life out and realised my parents taught me nothing. I don't speak to them except my dad who is the only one I like even though he never listens, misconstrues everything I say, tells everyone things I tell him in confidence. I don't talk to them and now I'm the bad guy even though now I've gone back to university to study biochemistry. When I chose to make this decision during lock down, after having to move to a new place because my landlord was selling the house and I couldn't find a job in my new area, I asked my mom could I stay, she said yes, then rang me up the next day I'm divorcing your dad so you have to find somewhere else. Am I wrong for not talking to them? whenever my mom has an issue she will scream smash things, kick you out, but if you have an issue with her then she will come up with every excuse not to take accountability act like she's forgot then turn everything on me. I've never had my emotions considered. Am I the ass hole?
As though being flip flop is ok & it is not ok. You are clear minded, looking toward your future. Having a roof over your head is needed. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong!🙏 A similiar situation happened to me, it's so hard to fall onto family who are not '"family."
In my family, I didn't think it was normal, nor will I ever. I knew something was off/dysfunctional, but what can you do when you're a kid. My mom and my ex-spouse have high covert traits (trying not to diagnose), but they manifest very differently and different abusive tactics.
Wow ! Jerry! Thank you for this video today. My husband has a narcissistic mother. She is now 80 and he feels committed to helping her. He has had a hard time with social development because of his mother. He has no friends outside of his ethnicity. It makes him very unhappy living in the United States. She has made sure he has not developed his own self. When ever I see his authentic self emerging she gets under his skin with an one of her health emergencies that is really nothing.
You made my day today. Keep healing yourself. You are such a young person who can have a beautiful life if that is what you want. You have my permission to live how you want and to say no to your mother. I don't know the situation of your caregiver phase but if she is not dying and can manage on her own stay away. Get stronger.@@kobra4422
My Mother also selected a minority husband, and in the end admitted to being a racist, it all worked to her advantage, controlling the family in the extreme. While playing the poor retarded, unwell, victim of the world. Prompting all around to act and react as her insanity required. Playing on the emotions of others, as she had no emotion at all.
Isolation to me as an adult is the best thing that exists to protect myself against the lies of the world. After suffering from my ex husband narcissistic abuse and his family…
@@marciestoddard730 When you heal yourself, people guilt trip you and take it personally. That is why isolation is also a solution, even though it really is a bad habit.
I am in the same boat. My isolation is so satisfying and feels like a huge win. I am living life on my own terms and nobody gets to infringe on my boundaries and emotions anymore. But, I heard this caller on the Dr John Delony Show who hadn’t been hugged or had any physical touch for nine years … while I enjoy my own company and am relishing my isolation, a part of me worries I’m at a very real risk of ending up like her.
Are narcissist parents aware that they are sabotaging, competing, and comparing with their children? My parents have competed with me my whole life and secretly removed opportunities from me and my brother. I am also blamed for all their financial issues instead of their gambling habits. I was told at 11 years old that it was my fault they filed for bankruptcy.
Oh my dear! This is so heartbreaking. So much to carry for a child! My sister in law witnessed her mother having an affair when she was six years old. Then her mother told her “if you want mummy and daddy to get along, you don’t tell anybody!” Also, I have a friend who grew up with her narcissistic grandmother because her mom committed suicide when my friend was 9 years old. That evil psycho of a grandmother told my friend, a nine year old child, that it was her fault her mother killed herself. People are wicked. Makes it hard to breathe sometimes. There are so many of us affected by that type of family stuff. I wish everyone on their healing journey peace of mind. Let it end with you ❤❤❤❤❤
I also used to wonder if they know but as time goes by and I learn more about what a narcissist is I think they absolutely know. They are sick and twisted to a degree it’s mind boggling. I remember when I bought my first new car and took it to show my dad he smugly said good job. A week later he went out and got a new car. He never liked to see me doing good. I have been no contact for over ten years and part of me wants to write him and tell him how he is a fkd piece of 💩but then he’d play his games and try to use it against me. Alan. R. T. Is a pos
I have always felt that love is conditional. That is because of my mom - she kind of dangled the love and I would try to grab it. That has been the way of my romantic life forever. I quit dating when I was 40 and I am 56 now. I’m really lonely but it is for the best.
@@kristinm4005 Thanks. I am usually okay with it because I can remember the disappointments quite clearly, but sometimes I get angry - how come I am not allowed to have what other people take for granted?! I feel like an observer and not really alive. Just a person that has a bit part in life. That is just the way it is though. I don’t think I can ever get rid of this illness or the shame it brings.
My mother was really big on parentification...she told me I would be taking care of my 13 years older brother and my younger, severely mentally disabled sister when she finally got tired of living with my father and decided to end herself...she emphasized that I would become their "mommy" and would have to take her place in the home...she also said it would be a horrible day when she finally passed away and she didnt envy me one bit when this event finally took place, that I'd be better off if I ended myself...oh yeah, I was only eight years old when she told me this. Also she blamed me for every little inconvenience she experienced...one time she blamed me for her getting diarrhea because I stressed her out so bad. 😒
I have never heard of enmeshment but that perfectly explains exactly what I always felt like growing up. I didn’t have a sense of self, and if I tried to break free I was promptly hit back into place like a game of whack-a-mole.
@@normbograham My dad’s dad was indeed a WWII veteran, who was stationed on a B17 if I remember correctly. Likely came home with bad PTSD just based on how many of those planes got shot down. My dad of course denies that there was any problem whatsoever with how he was raised. But there are plenty of clues in how he thinks parents should treat their kids that suggest otherwise.
@@IAmNumber4000 I was adopted by a WW2 vet, and his two brothers died in WW2. His brother Charles was a lieutenant and a pilot, and died in Europe. Edwin died at the botched battle in France. Don as the last surviving son, was stationed in Mexico during WW2. Against his will.
Every damned one of these resonates, it's so sad to think of the years that have been stolen from me and how socially stunted I am, how poorly I function, just doing basic things that most people take for granted like going to work and getting back is such a huge insurmountable task for me, it is absolute torture to have to be around others too, going out anywhere causes such panic and anxiety....
I grew up around the following: Chemically dependent adults one example: While I was on an outing as a child my Uncle went to go get his 'stuff. My mother was mixed up with a man who was into drugs, my mother was a screamer, and threw meltdown tantrums. I love her but the stuff that came out of her mouth I could go on & on. She would swear at me too. I won't even get started on the man she dated then later married until he died. I'm a mess now trying to pick up the pieces. Wish me luck please.
Sounds like you are on a healing path. You being aware is the first step. You don’t need luck. Your intelligence and knowledge will keep you on a good journey. Kudos to your progress.
I used to lie to my school counselor and tell him everything was fine at home even though I was in severe emotional pain. My mom had moved out and was living with another guy and my dad was an abusive alcoholic but at least he took card of us and stuck around. I thought if I said anything to the counselor my dad would find out and very bad things would happen to me. 30 years later and I'm just realizing how much of a negative impact this has had on every aspect of my life. Both my parents were/still are ignorant narcissists and even in their 60s and 70s have no idea idea who they are. Everything is someone else's fault and everything they've done is justified. I hadn't seen my dad in like 8 years and rarely spoke with him because I revealed my brother was a drug addict and needed help, and my dad didn't believe me so I quit talking with him. Both of my parents enabled my brother for the better part of a decade and it's amazing he's still alive. Anyway, I moved closer to my dad and attempted to salvage our relationship and reconnect with him and HE PICKED UP RIGHT WHERE HE LEFT OFF. Haha the actual second day I spent with him at his house, he got very drunk and started complaining about my mom just like he had when I was 13. He then started berating his also drunk new wife and made her cry. It was one of the most bizarre experiences of my adult life. I quickly found a place to rent and I continued to keep in touch with him. I finally realized that every time I speak with him, he makes me feel terrible about myself just like he used to. He has nothing to offer but his small-minded petty outlook on life that got him nowhere. It makes me sad but I don't want to speak with him anymore. My relationships with my two brothers are ruined mostly due to my parents. My mother disappears and reappears like an elusive ghost when she needs me for something. I had this image of my family being loving and solid when I was very young and I tried so hard to hold out hope throughout my childhood and into early adulthood. It's as dead as it gets now. My mom actually talked about where we would have Christmas this year. I seriously asked her "who is going to be there?" She had no answer. I think she may have had a moment of realization that her family is dead. She can sit in a big empty house with her dog and stare at the tree and our stockings she'll still put out. Can't help but think even now that somehow this is all my fault.
People expect that everyone has friends and family this time of year and we don’t and it doesn’t mean we’re terrible people. If somebody doesn’t adopt me soon as a friend or a family member I’m not gonna make it I’m too old now been through too much I still have a lot of love to give Hope this falls on the right eyes and heart
😢 i am RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE... plzzzz believe that. it's not good. please reach out more OR to me. we can 180 this place we're residing in our hearts/minds. PLEASE
My birthday is on Xmas day. My mother always made it a horrible time for me. She would blatantly blank anything I ever said and if anyone mentioned my birthday, she'd hijack it and make it about her giving birth on Xmas day. She became more and more abusive over the years to the point where I actually believed I deserved it. My older sister saw it all and never took my side, excusing her outrageous behaviour. I'm 60 now and alone but the Christmas period is still a very difficult time, even though I now know I'd never deserved such hateful abuse. The control she had over me was all pervasive. Forgiveness is the key but we need to recognise the reality of the abuse we suffered to move on. Love to all.
With all the things I'd share if you were a therapist...I can't even get a plate for food without being criticized. Overtime especially viewing these sort of videos...been seeing why more an more my sibling went NC.
Im so glad I've found this channel. Thank you Jerry! I still find myself surrounded by narcissistic people or people lacking in empathy because their behaviour is familiar. It's almost like I'm more comfortable with those people than with functional people because I know how to handle their toxic behaviour, whereas normal ways of relating make me feel vulnerable. My teens and twenties were blighted by poor self image and isolation. Because of the emotional neglect and abuse I experienced growing up in a family emotionally devastated by my fathers alcoholism and my mothers bitterness, its only now that I'm starting to learn how to parent myself at almost 35 years old!
Im 69. You’re figuring things out at a great age. Good for you. Don’t lament the past time you lost. Just know whatever you go through figuring everything out so early leaves you the rest of your life to live in peace.
@@Dbb27 this comment is very comforting thank you. I do tend to wish things had been different, but I'm realising more and more why things have been the way they were and letting go. The last couple of years have been very eye opening.
Good job! It's never too late. I was also isolated in my teens and twenties. It sucks when the years that are supposed to be fun are filled with abuse and insecurity. But we can get better!! As the previous person said, we can learn from it to avoid patterns in the future.
Awesome video!!! Thank you for your work. I can identify with each category. Growing into adulthood was so challenging for me. Mother was (is) malignant narcissist, and father was her pawn. She lied to him about me daily and he believed everything she said. Once I began working with a therapist I started peeling back the onion and finally realized it was them, not me. I appreciate you sharing your knowledge. It’s invaluable.
My husband's going to leave me because i dont know how to handle stress. I act exactly like my mom at this time. I hate it. All i wanted to do as a child was get away from her now i did it to my sweet husband. I hate myself. I am waiting for a doctor to call me back.
58 yrs old and beyond exhausted by these self-serving, entitled, cruel cardboard cutouts! They've gone now and ....I'm trying! There's definitely peace but the damage is unfathomable! I hurt and i hurt for other's and the impact these creatures will have on them! They should come with a health warning! We must become conscious of our enabling behaviour....this would greatly stop the cruel behaviour of these entities!
that was very light example of parentification... driving a car. Biggest burden is when child must soothe the parent... and carry their anxiety. (btw fire alarm - yes very good metaphor.)
@@pinkazure808generally when you're anxious about life of adult people other than yourself. It's neurotic reaction - 'super-empath'. If your mother was intentionally sharing her adult problems with you when you were a child, you're in the club.
@@collie8 Thank you. This clears it up. Yep, I'm in the club. The other day I was telling mom not to do something. Now in hindsight, I realize that she's an adult who can take care of herself.
How do we show our young children that narcissism behaviors is not normal when coparenting with a narcissistic parent? I see him gaslighting her already and I want to protect her
Now that you're not together, maybe your kids can have a lot of activities when it's "his time", so that they aren't around him a lot. Oh what a nightmare. I'm glad you're free from him. You're setting an example to your kids that abuse is not ok and you don't have to put up with it. My mom just reached her 49th year with my monster of a dad, and I wish she would stand up for herself or leave. In a way she does because she keeps herself insanely busy and he lives in a separate building on the property...ya, seriously. He always has had a separate building to live in, it's twisted. All he did/ does was watch TV once home, what a lowlife. I hope you're healing. Louise Hay I can't say enough about how she's helped heal me.
Thank you so much for this, Jerry. Scapegoat here that still questions sometimes “how bad” it was growing up with two gaslighting, manipulating, and overall controlling parents (who divorced when I was 4) I can’t even put into words the damage my self-esteem and sense of self took… been no contact for a year with both of them, feeling better than I ever have before, and your videos are a dose of validation and affirmation that I still need from time to time… thank you so much. I was never a burden, they were just dumping all their shame into me. Unreal…
Growing up I thought something was wrong with me. My mom would tell me something was wrong with me.. but it was social awkwardness because I was just allowed to go to school and no where else. I couldn't visit friends they had to come over my house, and we could never play in my room. It was horrible now I know it's because they can't share control 😢. They see the pain they cause children and it doesn't phase them at all.
You just described my life, especially feeling the need to take care of everyone else and attracting those who need taking care of. I think older generations considered many of these abuses as "good parenting skills". No, they're not. They're harmful behaviors that need to stop. Now I have the power to step away from the toxic ones. Thank you for your educational videos! 😊
My mom has been giving me the silent treatment since I was 6 years old. She could go an entire week not saying one word to me, just scowling. I had to learn to fend for myself when she did this. I'm 40 now and she will still give me the silent treatment for any perceived slight or offense. Everything you're saying is 100% accurate and everything I go through with my mother. The enmeshment is infuriating.
Had flashbacks for a year after my mother died. It’s rather freaky. I thought I would just be relieved but then it started. Things are finally calming down.
Eeeerrr how 'bout needing to leave your home in order to relax or 2 remaining family members besides you hush up upon your entrance (you're 11) or being told there's something wrong with you if you're home enjoying yourself, then on a Friday night watching TV (this also done by your ex-bf at 15, her mom goes onto having an affair with ex-bf's husband, your older brother who always called you a slut or slandered you were an exhibitionist who'd rather be a man) or running from your soon to be divorced dad wanting to wallop you for interrupting parents' fist fight during a cold winter's night making you run for it to a bud's house across town in your socks (I'm in Québec).... Later visiting your dad has you seeing his girley pics on the wall and suffering his tears (pls).
Thank you so much! You just explained my entire life... just when you think your healing journey is almost done you realize there is no much more that i drag around with me from my growing up times.... I dont say child hood because I really didnt have one. Maybe thats why I am still a kid at heart...
69. I think I am done and more pops up. It’s pretty strange. I think it’s always going to be there like a TV playing in another room but the volume keeps getting lower and lower.
My dad abused me, i still have scars. He hit me on my head when i was 7 and 12. He touched me when i was 12. But my mother said its my fault that i didnt report it at that time and i shouldnt be discussing this years later. I spoke to her after i had a kid ( as i was scared to leave my child alone with him). I was shattered, when my mother underplayed my childhood trauma. My sister ( the golden child) calls me the evil child, apparently according to her, "our father is incapable of abuse, he just has anger isues and alcoholic, not abusive". It breaks me. I cant breathe when i think abou it. Im 40 but the pain never goes.
She was extremely insecure and depressed, but I've never thought of my mother as narcissistic. I still don't think I do, but far too many of these apply to her, and my childhood, for comfort. :(
Untreated mental illness in a parent can be damaging for children. It usually is. Things like addiction and Untreated depression can make you function like a narcissist without having the npd personality disorder.
Did anyone have a mother who tried to take away things you never wanted in the first place to manipulate you? I wasn’t allowed to have anything unless my mother wanted it so she had nothing to take away from me. Then it was my fault that she had nothing to manipulate me with.
I had a husband who never gave me a gift that wasn't something he wanted. He waved around an ad for a Bose system and kept going on about it. I didn't care. Any guesses what "I" got my next birthday....?
Although for me it never came in the form of a gift, my mother was much like that. She would have me take part in things she wanted and treat it like she was doing me a favor. She would threaten to take these things away from me. By the time I got to be a teen I answered those threats with “Promise?”. It would anger her and she would convince herself that I was attempting reverse psychology.
Oh yeah! Material goods have strings attached to them. You are made to use it or take care of it. They will never let the object go. And you have to take care of it or they will lecture you or rage on you!
The silent treatment in my family got so bad my father pretended I didn't exist. That made me much more frightened than I had been before. He hated me because he knew I would tell if he molested me too. My mother told me on my 15th birthday that I was an unwanted child (I'm the eldest of 2) and she framed it as though that justified the abuse. I got an after-school job within a couple of weeks, concealed my savings from it (they'd already stolen from me) and just vanished when I had somewhere to live. Leaving them was the smartest thing I ever did. I shared a flat with a girl they didn't know so they didn't even know where to start looking and, as a child molester, my father was not going to go the the police. (Had I realised back then he was molesting my sister, I would have told my grandfather, his father, and he would have taken my sister and I to the police station.) My parents are dead now and I don't miss them. My sister is clinically insane and believes it was all somehow my fault.
The hardest thing is that my parents didn’t protect me from the abuse and engaged in it. They still have not condemned the poor behavior from the narc sister or other siblings. I was never a priority in the family. Merely an afterthought. This is why people shouldn’t have the number of kids they do.
I feel like I am the only person who wants off the planet. I am 55 and tired. So tired. My soul is gone. It was beautiful. It died and needs to go back to where I came from. It was 75 % percent hell.
Feel like I wrote this comment. I'm right there with you, I'm just so tired! My new parents and family have been through youtube, listening to the following wonderful people; Louise Hay, Napoleon Hill, Brian Tracy, Jim Rohn, T. Harv Eker, Dani Johnson, Les Brown and others.
I've been abused outside my family and let it happen because I can't tell the difference between that and normal behavior. I've forgiven my family, but it makes me sad knowing they never taught me that.
Look at your friends parents. How they treat their kids. Growing up ,I was able to figure it out. I did not know what to call it. I knew there was something really wrong in my household. That really pissed me off.
Thank you for having a channel about toxic parents. It's been a hard reality, but also refreshing because everything made sense and fell into place. I'm not crazy. Thank you again ❤ ✨
It took me years to realize my mother was a narcissist. Everything I accomplished was her/their accomplishment, my birthday was her birthday too, I wasn't allowed to go to anyone's house or ride my bike much if at all. No clubs, no walking to school, being my mother’s little therapist from birth and hearing all her complaints, the list goes on. It's taken 15 years of being out of that house to finally start healing and reprogramming my brain. It's still a struggle sometimes. Thank you for shedding light on more aspects I hadn’t considered ❤
On the bit about conditional love. My parents would say things like you could stab me and I'd still love you which is very strange to say but also when paired with their actions and how they used me for their own unmet needs, it was extremely confusing as to what love was
Intelligence plays a big role. People that are intelligent don't need to behave that way to have control. Smart people control themselves before they try to control someone else.
I have suffered narc abuse from my mother and her golden child, my brother for years now. I can tell how it just destroys you both mentally and physically. I wish there could be some kind of a law or something to ban these narcs from having kids at least. We may not be able to ban them everywhere.. but at least from bringing in more misery into this world.
narcissistic family: emotional abuses that they made you believe is normal 1-verbal abuse 2-gaslighting, (making you doubt yourself, lying, manipulation) 3-emotional neglect 4-conditional love 5-parentification (children forced to take on adult responsibilities or caregiving) 6-scapegoating 7-silent treatment 8-emotional manipulation 9-isolation (limiting your social development) 10-enmeshment (denial of your personality) 11-extension (you are forced to live based on the narcissist's thoughts, feelings and demands) 12-role assignment (golden child, black sheep, caregiver, scapegoat) cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
I wasn't allowed to go over and play at other friends' homes except in very rare instances- friends always had to come over to my house, and again, it was on rare occasions. My mom always used the excuse of "I don't know their parents" or "They're not Christians". (I was born in Utah, so all my friends were either Mormon or secular) After we moved to the PNW and I was getting older, I wasn't allowed to leave the yard or go see neighbor kids without express permission from Mom. When she decided it was time for us to come home she would stand on the porch and yell our names. It was embarrassing. One of my old friends recounts the first time she came to visit at our house. A neighbor boy saw us outside and wanted to play. He asked us to come with him for a minute to help get some toys/things from his yard. As soon as we got back to my house, Mom started screaming at my sister and me for leaving the yard. She spanked us while our friend was there and grounded us. (I was probably around age 9 at the time) Our friend had to go home while we were in our bedrooms crying. Can you imagine that being your first memory of playing with a new friend? The truth is that my parents have an exceptionally unhealthy relationship and are abusive on many levels, so every effort was made to make things look "normal" to outsiders while hiding all of their dysfunction and abuse. My dad is an overt narcissist and Mom is covert, but becoming more overt with time. My sister became particularly nasty and narcissistic at an early age, with a side of histrionics. I went from being the mascot to the black sheep and scapegoat. My relationship with them is purely transactional at this point. As for social interactions? I never learned how to do that properly and feel self-conscious around other people. I never learned how to do "normal girl things"- it wasn't even until I was 18 that a Mary Kay lady showed me how to do basic skincare and makeup application. I prefer to self-isolate.... but I am also obligated to go through the motions and engage with the family for the holidays- I am expected to spend time with my parents and shower my sister with dozens of quality gifts, while she gives me random things she finds on sale at Ross. (She does not lack money and likes to rub her husband's status in peoples faces) I don't ask for anything because I know I'll be disappointed. Example: I finally mentioned a CD I'd like a copy of. It's around $13 on Amazon, but my sister gave me an old, used copy with a scratched disc. I dread this time of year.
You are not obligated to go through the motions and engage with the family for the holidays. You owe these people nothing. Take the money you would have spent on these people and do something you enjoy instead of seeing them. Seriously, if you need to go No Contact, do it - save yourself from these people
Learn to set boundaries for yourself. Just because you think you're "expected" to give lots of nice gifts to your sister doesn't mean you have to. Life is what you allow it to be. Get educated on narcissistic behaviors and how you can heal and get healthy from them.
Sounds like you are independent financially. Time to claim emotional independence. Best Thanksgiving I ever spent was by myself after leaving a narcissistic marriage. Hugs.
This is totally what occurred when I finally set a text/email only boundary. My oldest sister went silent, then she blamed me saying I was the one who was silent. Now she's telling all the family members I'm schizophrenic. I totally have a tough time forgiving that wretched ..... but I want to be released from all the anger. She seriously talked with me on the phone so much, once a week. She would call. Now? 0 relationship, I'm dead to her, and I love it. It's so nice to not have her in my life. I don't miss her AT ALL.
Please help me sir. I have a powerful father who’s a narcissist at an extreme level. There’s nothing too evil he won’t do, to save face. My mother is backing him. They are nervous about loosing there perfect Mercedes mega church country club reputation. They are lying about me to everyone. It sucks because they have influence. It’s been like this my whole life. My older brother was treated the same way by our father. He’s now dead. It’s becoming even more dangerous and I don’t have any help. They have turned everyone in my life that has loved and supported me against me. My sisters know the truth, but they don’t get my back. They’re afraid. My father and mother got caught sabotaging my life. He’s never been caught, in turn my parents are red lining. They are throwing everything at me at once.
My older brother did the same to me, assassinating my reputation with everyone in my life behind my back. He's a narcissist yes, but mainly a dangerous, evil psychopath.
I experienced a lot of these things. After my dad died I was pretty much left to raise myself because my mother couldn't be bothered unless others were watching and it made her look good. I didn't have to take care of her. It was more like we were roommates and she paid all the bills.
My covert narc mom has tried to make me carry her issues. She has had many men since my biological father and has expected me to like them as much as her!? When I try to ask for boundaries ie not showing up at my home without letting me know she plays a cry bully to everyone and call me a terrible person😢 This stuff never gets easier you just get more sensitive to it. Thank you for your information ❤❤
Taking care of mother on hospice- Last week she put a good sum of money into my bank in good faith. She's dying and it is sheltered there for her. A week later she didn't like something I said or did, so she said she wants the money back immediately "so she can find her own place to live" or she will report me for fraud to her bank... huh? I'm working with social workers to get her moved somewhere and I want to cut any communication or contact. By the way, all of your points apply to me.
When they start money games ....RUN... MY crazy maw was obviously beginning dementia... She told her neighbors AND my siblings... I was trying to convince her she was crazy...to steal her money..( ironically she NEVER loaned or gave me money like she did with all my siblings..) AND... 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Told ME she KNEW I had stolen her cannisters..."You ALWAYS wanted them" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OH yeah....scratched up old cannisters.. My sisters ended up ACTUALLY stealing all the money and jewelry... Now that I think of it... I'll bet THEY stole her disappearing cannisters🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 After a family party where she brought a shoe box full of childhood photos... SHE THREW THE BOX OF PHOTOS AWAY... I SAW HER DO IT.. "Why are you throwing that away..." "OH it is just trash" "Can I have it" "Sure"....it is just trash" Saved a lot of our pictures...ugh
@@dotsyjmaher Now my mom says she wants me in Jail for elder abuse - I refuse to take her "orders" in her words. We share a house and luckily I have an RV so I will be moving into that. She calls the police on us and they want her diagnosed for dementia, but her enabling Hospice people "don't see dementia" I'm so done with her. I'm running as fast as I can.
@@mustbeheard9834 She gone. Everyday working on getting her vicious words out of my psyche.. All the money fell on my lap and I bought a cute trailer to live in. Karma.
Yes, hoarding is abuse! Hoarders need therapy plus medication. It is genetic. My grandmother and uncle are hoarders. Neither got help. My brother and neice show strong tendencies.
@@elizabethmadron1336Yes. Hoarding is abuse. My mother's hoarding was so bad, we couldn't even live in the house, so we lived in my grandmother's house, where I was forced to share a bed with my mother for years, even in high school! Toxic and abusive!
@@elizabethmadron1336 Hoarding is abuse of the entire neighborhood that is forced to endure this nightmare by having to live next to these cretins!! Having our property value plummet and being able to do NOTHING to stop it. It should be ILLEGAL!!
