Narcissistic Family: Verbal Abuse Tactics They Constantly Use 

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My mom is queen of the silent treatment. Not talking to your child on purpose is a form of verbal abuse.

"Verbal abuse is their brokeness being dumped on you"- Absolutely correct.

"I'm saying this because I love you" is such an insidious form of verbal abuse.

It cost me a multimillion dollar inheritance to go no contact and consider myself to have gotten out of it cheaply.

As a teenager and young adult, I was constantly told by my parents, "You're in for a rude awaking!" - Well, I'm 60 next month, still waiting for that rude awakening!

My narc family do not exist for me anymore, The only time I "meet "or see my narcissist family since years ago, is when I have a nightmare.

"I only want what's best for you," Right after they abuse you.

6:50 No contact with verbal abusers, full contact with ourselves. 🎯💯

When my Mom mocks me, I consider the source. She is not a nice person.

"It didn't happen that way." I had photograph proof. "The picture must be wrong."

My family would never identify with being abusive because they would say calmly with a lot of superiority '''you're so sensitive'', ''you're emotional'' because I TRIED TO RAISE AN ISSUE, OR BECAUSE i ASKED THEM TO LISTEN. And then when I don't accept that I'm ''crazy'' I'm told im ''abusive'' ''detached from reality'', ''insane''...................................................... argh. They've had no insight in four years.

My parents never got their family of origin out of them, which they projected onto us. That's the entire reason for our trauma. It's a generational cycle, which I broke. Only child with a truly productive life.

I grew up in a mega narcissistic toxic highly abusive home. I was adopted by an aunt and uncle after my biological parents dropped their four children off at my grandmother's. They went on to divorce and my biological father had four more children. Leaving us and never looking back. Unreal. It has taken me DECADES to understand my life, my choices, my family, you name it. I am about to turn 60. I survived. I went to a top college, found a career I loved, and became very successful, but never fulfilled. Never able to get the one thing I craved - a family of my own. It's only in recent years I began to understand how all that abuse took a toll on me and my desire for a healthy life. I wasn't capable of handling what I longed and still longed for. It's a sad reality to wake up this late in the game.

True, when I rejected the gaslighting, I was asked to ''think of your mother, think of your father, think of your kids''. What!? So, the way I have to show love in the family is to collude with their gaslighting of me! And if I'm angry, that proves I'm mad. But if my mother is angry, that proves she's right.

My mother is so adept at guilt trips she owns her own travel agency. Fortunately for me now, I don't fly those unfriendly skies. I know what she's doing, and I don't let her do it. She lashes out at me when I don't play along. Now I tell HER to "GET OVER IT!" and she kind of understands how it felt for me to never be able to go to her with my problems and get some sympathy, compassion, and protection. Do I like doing this? Absolutely not. Will it change anything? Of course not. But it does make me feel a little bit better that I can't be manipulated to shut up and take it anymore. My old man is a master gaslighter to say things to me like "That's just your opinion." "That's your perception." and the straight up "That didn't happen." It's funny how he could say stuff like that when I point out his crappy behavior because he never bothered to get involved or care about us unless my mother forced him to intervene. Of course I know what happened because it was so rare that he ever gave a crap! When he had to get involved, he went too hard, and the punishment was disproportionate to the situation because he didn't bother to find out what was going on from his kids. If we were in trouble, obviously it's because we were PURE EVIL and not because our mother was psychotic and unhinged 24/7. And my inner critic? What a demon it is. I would never speak to another person the way my inner critic talks to me. Finally I'm learning to not berate and belittle myself so much and be kinder. Kindness quietens the inner critic, and though it hasn't gone away and probably won't ever, it's a lot less noisy, and I stay more regulated. Verbal abuse is the most insidious form of abuse. Physical abuse hurts and leaves bruises, but those bruises eventually fade. Verbal abuse sticks with you for decades and doesn't leave a mark on the outside so it looks like you weren't ever hurt. I still, when talking to people who don't get it, can't believe that some people think the only type of abuse is physical. Those people either had fantastic childhoods or are in such deep denial about their own trauma. Thanks, Jerry. Hang in there, survivors.

That's what I am working on- "deprogramming" myself.

What a PERFECT drop for Mother’s Day! Trying to be nice to her and she’s being extremely passive aggressive and cold to my gestures because it’s not exactly what she wanted in her fantasy world. This is just what I needed to Jerry thank you!

In college I began jogging & was thin as well as trim. One day I looked at my new calf muscles in the hall mirror & admired them out loud. My father immediately told me they were fat 🤦‍♀️ need I add that he also skipped my graduation & chose to tell me on the day of our chapel service? I went on to develop anorexia. Later I found a picture that my boyfriend took of me with every bone sticking out in my father’s home on display. He was so sick that my pain & suffering were a cause for celebration. Fortunately my boyfriend took me not only to every graduation event in my father’s place but he also drove me out west to grad school. He later became a psychologist & his help at that time was really invaluable. Eventually I went no contact with my family of origin

I really believed my parents truly love me especially my mother. To see that they really don't and I have my eyes opened after all these years is rough.

My mother sent a text that she was blessed to have me as a daughter. After last week being nasty and hangup on me. She abandoned and neglected us but pretends our memories are wrong.

I wish I'd gotten out so much sooner

I notice that family member that I have no contact with always sends their flying monkeys on holidays. That’s a huge red flag for me that a verbal ambush is coming. I’ve learned to stop letting that bother me and stop answering the phone because last time I answered I regretted it! I have to work on me and my happiness even if that means discontinuing contact. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I had nothing but malignant verbal abuse from the time I got up till the time I went to bed for my entire life until I was able to escape. Then I went no-contact. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into thinking you should stay in contact because they’re your parents. You really CAN’T have contact with some people - regardless of who they are - because they’re so evil, malignant and detrimental.

When I was a young kid I got "You're not fat yet, but you have to be careful". My food intake was closely watched. Meanwhile my brother was "so skinny!" and encouraged to eat more, even when he didn't want to. Surprise, surprise, I developed bulimia and then anorexia. My weight has yo-yo'd up and down my entire life. And, yeah, the gaslighting, verbal abuse, fits of rage, and guilt were all rampant. Yet I was "too sensitive".

"I didnt say that", "It didnt happen that way", "you're too sensitive", "when good things happen to you it's thanks to me", "I messed up my health to pay for your private school", "How much are you making now that you found a new job?", "Come on tell me, I would have no problem telling my salary if I was working" I got it all recently. Still messes with my head wondering if Im the bad guy in all this. I hate this

My mother called me a “bleeding heart liberal” as a high school junior who was waking up to injustice. For the next 40 years, I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me-for caring about what happens to my fellow humans.

Fellow brothers and sisters. Let it go, go No Contact. Justice will be delivered on Judgement Day, means very soon.

"I don't care if I never see you again." My mother said this to me a few months before I went into the U.S. Navy, and I have never forgotten it.

yes i am glad that i called my sister from her verbal attacks. She has the worst temper and attitude. Toxicity is not needed. Set boundaries and let them go. She uses horrible language.

Jerry, I would really like to THANK you for these videos. I've learned that I was not the only person that was abused by their mother. (Father died at 5.) You call them narcissistic, however, many of the situations that you describle, I endured. I endured this at a time before social programs, abuse hotlines birth control pills, abortion on demand, independent living, etc. Hell, if they had these programs years ago, I may have became the attorney that I always wanted to be, as oppose to being in education. I SURVIVED the HORRORS of child abuse and neglect due to the help of my extended family that were not blood related, (not that it matters.) I LOVED them and they LOVED me. I placed flowers on their graves for Mother's Day. I was TRULY BLESSED TO HAVE THEM. Once again, I want to THANK you for your broadcasts.

Our family verbal abuse was the lack of verbal exchange all together-children should be seen and not heard, no matter how old you are.

Thank you Jerry, Wise fits you well. Narcissistic abuse is so severe. When I collapsed in 2013 and saw a psychologist for the first time, SHE cried. "Are you serious? This is your life? You never told someone about it?" Healing myself. Counting on the divine now, I am so exhausted. Still angry. Going No Contact. God is with us ❤

My narc father criticises constantly. In my 50 years I cannot recall 1 day where he didn’t criticise either my enabler mom, my sister or myself. Years ago I was 40 pounds overweight, he told me this daily alongside his disapproving body language. So I lost 40 pounds in 4.5 months and his remarks of “you’ve took it too far you’re too thin” began. Thank you Jerry, you are incredibly validating. I’m super grateful 🙏🏻

Our 1st language is gaslighting & verbal abuse is as "natural" as someone saying I love you when you grow up in 1 of these nightmare homes🤢.It sets US up to have our bar set very low in regards to what we'll allow into our life later...1 of the biggest milestones for me has been realizing that I deserve so much better than abuse & I'm so thankful I've had this realization while still young.Now my once mother tongue has become completely unnatural to me...I'm still fluent in it but it now sounds very foreign to me in a really unsettling way & I'm so glad it isn't part of my own 🏡.🌞👍🏻👍🏻

Oh, Lord.....all of the listed verbal abuse methods, plus: "I would never hurt you! I'm your mother! Why would I ever do anything that wasn't good for you?" "I'm telling you this for your own good." "You can count on me." " Nobody loves you like your family!"

I was in my late twenties when I fully started to realize that my family (specifically my mother and brother) were incredibly verbally abusive towards me. I'm now in my late 30s and going low contact has been the best solution. These people are sick and don't want to get help.

Malignant normal. Excellent definition. Today is a difficult day but I’m learning to create new memories.

Oh yes, we have heard all this in our family

How is it possible to have so many people with the exact same toxic traits? It’s like finding twins who are separated but have the same innate characteristics, but these people are not related, and are 15-20%of the population. Love your work!

My mom is the queen of denial and refuses to admit things happened. She also likes to make things up about me to people. Something I've never seen her do to either of my siblings. Both my parents have told my sister she's the favorite which made me resent her for the longest time. My father told me straight up that I would be a failure if i moved out back when i was in college. He'd make fun of my depression(and sometimes still does) and tell me to "stop being so depressed, you have nothing to be depressed about"

My father has been telling me I’m a ( imbecile) among other tags he’s put on me … but according to him I’ve been a imbecile as long as I can remember and I’m 60

anyone elses crap family say "i love you" way too much? my mom, absent dad or my SOs pos dad say "my girl", "daughter of mine", my son" cringe

I continue to be thankful for my grandparents giving me unconditional love and showing me how loving people treat others. I was angry and rebellious when my mother beat me as a child under 5. She turned the table on me and told everyone I was the problem child she was the suffering victim of me. I was in my 50s when everything started to click for me. She loves to gossip about me and I asked her to to stop. She said no. That felt horrible but it also was the start of the end for me. That is not a loving parent that is a hate filled monster. I now realise my grandparents raised me and thankfully lived with them until I was 8. I couldn't have been raised by her and turned out the way I did. It has helped me reframing my childhood to recognize they were my parents. She was 20 when she had me. I now see her as the jealous, bitchy, older sister. Frankly she has a lot to be jealous of. I'm loving, kind, well educated and traveled all things never could be. It has been so healing to take back my wholeness.

Coming in hot on Mothers Day, thank you!

When you went through it with your parent and then you get a second dose of it with your siblings.

My parents are both narcissists and my mother is a jealous type and hates when I do good things

My dad and his family were gaslighters. Going off to college and breaking away was the best thing that ever happened to me. He helped pay for half of my first year (he got caught in his behavior and so proved his innocence by financially helping) and weasled his way out of anything further; no contact with him was worth the student loans. It’s taken a looong time, but they’re finally out of my head now. (Not to say there aren’t moments, but the days of constant uncertainty and self- doubt are far behind me.)

I have cut everyone from life. Everyone! Because I grew up in a narc family and then attracted Marc’s in my adult life. But now I do feel I have anyone to be safe to be myself with. My walls of protection are so high and so thick. I hurt so much and when I have tried to talk to others I get brushed off. I have Jesus but I really am not able to go through this life alone but I can’t share or open up with anyone. So broken.

that is exactly what my mother still does this to me and I am 59 years old. She says "I love you with all of my hear", but she has no idea what that really means.

Dr. Wise, thank you very much for this amazing content you make available for all of us, it's truly a blessing! May I also compliment you on your impeccable bright colored shirts, they by themselves make me see the world less cold and grey 😊❤❤❤

So grateful for you Jerry, genuinely i feel such affection for you. When i get caught in cycles of their shame internally churning away or rumaination and high anxiety levels, your calming and straight forward approach is massively reassuring and helpful to get out of it and connect back to my true self. Thank you so much

Today is mother day i didnt wish my mother and didnt see my sister and brother do it too 😢

What if I had heard Jerry Wise 30 years ago.

This was a very helpful video. Thanks, Jerry!

Mom used to tell me I was fat. It’s a good thing I thought she was crazy because I was very underweight and I realized later I very lucky that I didn’t believe her because anorexia is a serious problem . She was also a serious nasty name caller, slanderer and gaslighter . The weight issue let me know that she was delusional and I started questioning all of her nasty comments and gaslighting. That actually made her horrible behavior worse as she tried her best to make me believe her sick descriptions of me . She’d slam into my room late at night after I was asleep and call me a wh--. She did this every day for about 6 years especially when other family members weren’t around . She started this crap before I even started having periods and of course I was too afraid of her verbal abuse to even have a boyfriend . She also used to hold my funeral in front of me telling where she was going to bury me and describing the flowers on my coffin . I actually was relived during the year 2000 as her gaslighting had made me think I wouldn’t live long enough to see the 21st century . When she died every one commented on the fact that I wasn’t crying or upset but I really don’t miss her at all. In fact my first thought was b... I’ll hold YOUR funeral now!

Narcissistic family with several NPD women. They will use every tactic. Not just verbal abuse. They recruit their daughters because they are easily manipulated to follow.

she tried telling me how to raise my son when she doesn't have any kids herself. she has low -esteem, and she feels that she can say whatever she needs to. Karma is real. People have to tell her straight up how she is. She hits people and bullies people. She hurts people because she is hurt herself. People like that dont ever have peace.

My mother preferred leaving scars that don’t show (psychological and emotional abuse, rather than physical abuse). As a little preschool kid, I was rather precocious, and desired to learn how to read when barely 4 years old. She was attentive and helpful, and thus I was in elementary school was basically a straight-A student. Helped my classmates with their lessons, etc. But as I got older and school became more boring to me, if I so much came home with an A- or God forbid a B+ on my report card, that meant that I was “damned lazy” and “unappreciative” (of her). So fast forward to adulthood, where initially I dropped out of college, and we became estranged as it was “so important (to her) that I finish college” and obtain a degree, so eventually I returned to college and finished my degree, and kept her apprised of my progress. At the commencement ceremony, I received no congratulations at all from her, not even a simple greeting card in the mail. Yet after that, when I neglected to mail her a greeting card for Mothers Day, she scolded me in a phone call, saying “some days are more special than others.” They certainly are.

Happy Mother's Day Ladies! One's at a funeral in France, the other's working and I'm good with that! Verbal abuse they're looking for drama for reasons to continue abusing, only an olympic sport as it can be done in under 10 secs and under 10 words or less, their lasts insults still hot off the press regardless of how long ago, staying fresh as to encourage us to stay away!

You're so soft spoken. I find myself speaking in the same tones my family used growing up. One of my goals in therapy is to remove those programmed tones and talk softer to myself and the healthy relationships I do have now. It breaks my heart when my fiance and my child recognize the tone as I recognized the tone when I was young in those around me, imagining how it felt then and how they must feel when I'm talking to them that way and them hearing myself talk to myself that way. My fiance has cried hearing how I talk to myself when he sees all the good to me. He says "I hope someday you see yourself as the wonderful woman I see you as" 😭 I'm thankful for him supporting and loving me through the messy clean up of narcissistic abuse.

Wow, every example of verbal issue you mentioned, I have experienced by my now deceased parents. And, then, my oldest sister has done the same thing which is why I am now no contact.

Jerry, you know my late mother and grandmother's side of the family so well; it is eerie. 100%

Jerry, Jerry Jerry. Omg this is correct. Especially the fat shaming. I mean I Am fat now. But, I was the right size when I was young. Even at my right size I was fat shamed. Then I lost 40lbs to get in the army. I think I was 128lbs. That nurse at Meps said I was morbidly obese. That got me. But, I kept it in. I had goals. For 7 years active duty army I was fat shamed. Badly. So bad I forgot about my mom and her perfect 5ft 2 wa earring a size 6 shoe. lol!!! So my sister that was 5’11 with large feet like myself said something about how perfect mom’s small body was. I rolled my eyes and told her how I always thought my sister looked great. Trust me she didn’t believe anyone would say that to her. And myself I still have mental issues about how I look. Even though I do get compliments. Outwardly I accept them. Internally I feel like a fraud.

"I might end up in jail but you'll end up 2m underground" (my father to me).

My oldest brother started spying on me when I was 12. He would burst in on me when I was in the shower and hid under my bed and took my bathing suit top. When I complained to my mother he got yelled at but then he started calling me fat and ugly. He would say it in front of people and since no one came to my defense, I assumed that they agreed. He was relentless and as I got fatter the abuse spread to other people. I got it at home and at school. Thank you for validating my experience.

I know this because I was verbal abusing myself. Because, I thought that I was causing it.

My narcissistic family passed away 16 years ago and it's done some damage to my life and made me less trusting for people.

Step “father.” Stupid brutish tactics. Also mocking and scoffing. My “mother” gaslighting. Also coming up with all the reasons why none of my ideas would work or how pathetic or incompetent I am. I used to do it to myself all the time and now it’s a lot less. I still have to check myself tho Bcuz if I don’t pay attention, I’m sliding into a lot of “why can’t you ever get this right?” or self depreciating humor. Or “this will never work” (even when it feels quite inspired). Or “I’ll never be able to get that” (even tho it’s what I’d want the most etc).

My father is violent and narcissistic.

Thank you Jerry for clarifying verbal abuse. Many of us are so used to it growing up. It is normal to hear it. We have no point of reference as a kid and it continues as an adult. They never change. Even when they are dying. .

Anticipating the gaslighting, I'm not calling out any malignant verbally abusive message I received from a family member. Thank you so much for this tonight. I really needed it.

I feel so safe with Jerry.

Everything they have done is listed here and I feel validated. This is the most hurtful abuse they have done.

Thank you Jerry, I grew up with an alcoholic, verbal abuse was the norm.

It's unconscionable Jerry. I hope one day it is punishable by law just as physical and sexual abuse is considered criminal. Because, in my opinion, it is criminal as well. It still chokes me up that I experienced and accept that behavior from my own parents for decades.

yep, you just described my childhood I can add physical abuse to that also, can't trust anyone, you don't know when they will turn on you, great insight, thanks

The Covert Narc Ex, whom I finally divorced....did this non stop to me and told our kids to speak this way to me. I asked them all to stop, over and over. I told them it's verbal abuse, I explained how they were gaslighting, lying, triangulating, etc. Nothing worked....it angers them if I react, or ask them to stop. 20 years in that toxic marriage....and 23 years after it kept up. Then, daughter marries Son of an Alcoholic, and his Dad died from drugs....his MIL and husband do the same to me. They love to do it and control me. Alcoholic woman...daughter's MIL stands over me and says "What a shame, what a shame, what a shame"....as if she, a bully alcoholic needs to shame me. I'm not an alcoholic. I finally had to No Contact ALL OF THEM. They can not deal with me not allowing them to own and control my life. It's so disgusting to be around them. And now daughter has 2 children living with all of those toxic abusive adults. It's horrible.

It's so sad and stupid

Or when you tell them how what they do and say to you makes you feel you're told that's you, not them.

Both of my parents are Narcissists, they are like this in everything.

So sad.

There are 1,000 ways that my stepmother uses to belittle me. Slight to cruel. Depending on her mood.

I heard all of those! 😢 I still have dreams about it sometimes, but the dreams are less frequent than they used to be.

The Mary Lou special.... My mother was a specialist in this. Took me to a movie at 9 to show me what hell is like. Children are suppose to mind. Bringing her church friends into a conversation about the mark of the beast so I could overhear, her fully knowing THAT number was part of my social. Using her twisted schemes as excuses to ship me off into situations that were precarious but of the church. Why do I have to go through a bunch of recovery because God did not care enough about me to knit me in a human womb? Trapped here wanting nothing, an afterthought to God. Do what and go where?

My father was an abusive alcoholic and destroyed my mother, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I still hate his guts.He's long dead, but so much of my family still thinks so well of him, it makes me sick.

The stepmom once told me, bc I couldn't find something in the closet, "you dont have the brains God gave a goose!"

No matter what was accomplished, they said " that's good, now if you would just..." like lose weight or such.

I'm not celebrating Mothers Day horrible wmn is nothing to Celebrate

When I took the MBTI personality test, I was told my personality "wasn't my fault." So who I was was defective.

Care about you and treat you bad at the same time! "I only yell at the ones I live the most!" "I expected you to stay right by me after I screamed at you!" "I expected you to know this!" That's what I still get and I'm almost 54! And of course I'm written out of the will but my sister isn't, GO FIGURE! 😅 I'm thankful anyway, I'm so over my step mom! And have a wonderful and loving boyfriend now that I never thought I deserved! Thank you GOD and thank you Universe 🙏🏻 thank you for your series of videos ❤

I tell myself my parents (2 Scorpio narcs) hate me and I hate me too.

Been through silent treatment its very controlling manipulative and passive aggressive

After I told my mother that dad was physically abusive to me (throw me against the wall head first because I looked at him wrong) she just said " your father loves you". He was my bully, plus I had another bully at my school where I went and my dad taught. I couldn't tell anyone about either.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. You are what you do, not what you say you'll do.

Mine called me stupid, embarrassing, fat ) plus many more I don't want to bore anyonw with),and you'll never have a man.fast forward, Im slim, married for 44 years in September. Don't miss that whacko of a mother at all! When her time came, she passed alone.

I follow your advice of observing how my family interact at family gathering. Every time just shows me more and more what ancestral trauma behaviors patterns continue. I keep my mouth shut and I’m all love, I see and sense their confusion and judgment because I’m the scapegoat. I would like to just cut them out but I love my nieces and want to give my grandson the opportunity to know me although his mother does her best to prevent it. I roll with the punches.

This is exactly 💯. Thank you. Everything you're saying is what my mother would say but I always thought she was the good one because my father was the one that was a monster to us all physically mentally verbally. I guess the only difference in my mother is that she rarely hit. Also the four of us kids weren't allowed to have a mother because my father made my mother his mother. So many other things too. And I do all of those things to myself basically 24/7 that you mentioned in this video. I did go no contact in March of this year. But bluntly it is such a mind fuck. I'm going through severe medical issues right now also alone and it's gotten extremely dark at times. I'm trying to cope with all these things at once but I don't know how to best way. Thank you for your videos and especially on today because it's the first Mother's Day I won't be making contact.

This video is the best birthday gift I could have received. Certainly better than the scoffing and smirking I got from my narcissistic smother this year...

Thank you Jerry for this video. Appreciate it. FYI I'm getting so much better about being aware of and confronting narcissistic behavior. Wish I would have started decades ago. A friend suggested her brother speak at my pioneer cemetery tour, although she did say he could be a little controlling. I met him (along w/ a contractor) at the cemetery, and right from the get-go I was picking up on his 'charming' facade. Later I found out he was taking all the credit for improvements being made to the cemetery (an outright lie). I therefore blocked his telephone calls (he's out-of-state), and refuse to interact w/ him. Life is just too short. 🍀🍀🍀