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Your videos are helping me understand and deal with some very deep stuff I was avoiding even thinking about for a long time. The videos came up in my feed by accident and I am so gretaful out of cureosity I decided to click on one and gave been watching them all now.
Another great video and I can relate so much!! I started your programme Your New Road to Self in June and it’s so rich with wisdom I constantly keep coming back to different modules as my thinking adjusts. It’s a new way of thinking for me and I it is so different from what we’re taught not only by our dysfunctional families but the society in general. The concept of Self differentiation itself takes so much time to grasp but it ‘s life changing! Also weekly meetings are tremendous help because of its practical dimension and I learnt so much from other people’s stories . May I just ask if those of us that started in June also have access to the programme for one year? It would mean so much if it we do 😊 Thank you for all your work 🙏
My mother: "You NEED TO STOP!" Tears, sobbing, "You're SO NASTY TO ME! What did I ever do you to you!" Where do I even begin? But thanks for the reinforcement for low/no contact. Bye.
Are your parents narcs? I've known my husband was a narc for at least 5-10 years but somehow never realized my mom is also a narc until very recently. What's crazier is that I found my diary from 18 years ago when I was pregnant w my first child and in it I wrote that I had a dream that I was in labor and really needed help but my mom and husband were staring at themselves in the mirror and pushing each other out of the way so they could get a better view of themselves. My subconscious knew this 2 decades ago, how on earth has it taken my brain this long to see it all clearly?!
Same. It was all so obvious looking back. How many times can a parent "forget" he hit his kid within 30min? How many times can a "father" "really need to pee" and barge in the bathroom when his adult daughter is showering? How many times can a "parent" "not understand" the bullying and harassement a child is subjected to by their siblings when it all happens right in front of him? And it is not just the parent, but also the rest family members that either chose to remain in denial or flat out gaslight you 100% consiously and let you deal with the abuser alone.
@@pocasanchez Who would want to bring themselves to contemplate the unbelievable when every shred of one's emotional need wants to expect true empathy compassion and unconditional love . Only last ditch undeniable recognition of the truth brings forth sad assessment and necessary independence . Independent emotional self preservation brings potential peace of mind .
Me too!!!!! It too nearly half a lifetime and several run ins dating very sick and sociopathic narcissistic Men. That’s when my reading began and to my total confounding surprise I saw my parents written all over these books!!!! By the 2nd chapter of Psychopath Free I felt this righteous anger rise up in me as for the first time in my life I finally realized and understood the last 4 1/2 decades of my life and everything that I had believed was all my fault and my being the sick, selfish, angry, rebellious, nasty, ungrateful, Child and Adult was them all along.
Same here! My mum had done odd behaviours but it was only when I accidentally created a narcissistic injury that all of her narcissistic behaviours came out in concentrated form. It was truly terrifying. It took me two further years of being in the midst of this to work out that I was experiencing toxic narcissistic abuse.
Thanks to my narc mother and her two golden children I have learned to not reveal any information about my life except to a couple of very close and loyal friends. That has resulted in me not being very popular with most people because, I have learned, information/gossip is a valuable commodity to share with others. If you do not give them gossip to spread around then you cease to be a source and are ignored.
00:38 🤔 Narcissistic parents often feign ignorance to avoid responsibility and make communication difficult. 02:42 🔄 Recognizing narcissism in family dynamics involves awareness, understanding personal roles, and broader family awareness to initiate change. 04:04 🧠 Narcissistic parents utilize selective memory, conveniently forgetting promises or agreements to evade accountability. 04:46 🙉 Pretending not to know about someone's feelings or needs is a tactic narcissists use to maintain control and avoid addressing issues. 06:30 🛑 Narcissists often avoid self-reflection and deflect blame when confronted with how their actions affect others. 08:36 😞 Narcissists frequently play the victim, manipulating situations to garner sympathy and evade accountability.
😮😢😢😢 my brother (who died in 2016 in a psychiatric hospital at the age of 51) never really stopped wetting his bed .. and sucking his thumb ... 😪 My understanding of our upbringing/past with a narc mother (+ golden oldest sister +big narc family) began after my brother died , but the "narcissism" term only occurred to me in 2019 .. i'm still busy now, trying to innerstand all. Little fun fact is my mothers (family) last name , translated to English .. THE FREEZE 🥶
My mom stood up in front of the girlscout troup I was the leader of and told 30 women and girls I was her hero. She went on and on. The group was falling over themselves to get to her to tell them how moved they were. My mother NEVER told me anything close to this, in fact the opposite. I could never do anything right growing up. I was stunned watching her work the room.
My narc mother also was the Girl Scout troop leader and I just remember all the girls coming over loooooved her SooooOooooo much. But she treated me like the wicked stepmother when no one was looking. I had to set everything up before the girls showed up and then when everyone was doing the fun planned events and projects I was the slave fetching things for my mom. I remember her wanting to put a patch on my vest I didn’t earn. My moral compass said that wasn’t honest to put it on and she justified it. I didn’t do the project the other girls did. Mom would fake being sick on the phone, she lied so much it made me hate lying and I became overly honest. Not without the help of her constant questioning and the squinting eyes she would stare at me like she was piercing my skull to get inside my head while interrogating me. It still gives me incredible anxiety during job interviews.
@ Eden my mother also lied without conscience. When I questioned how wrong this was she called them "white lies". I have always valued honesty in any of my relationships / friendships , I abhore lies because of her.
Yes, this is the classic public vs. private personality fakeness of narcissists. This is particularly true for the COVERT/Vulnerable narcissists. While Overts, like Trump, don't hide their selfishness, the Coverts are sly and sneaky. They are professional LIARS!
yes, my mom used to do that with m y life long migraines. Her excuse for not caring or helping or showing compassion and for accusing me of acting as if I was sick but wasn't was that she did not know I was in so much pain LUL. Guess the swollen eyes and face and the obvious look of someone who is not feeling well weren't enough for her.
@@sunnyadams5842 Once an elderly guy overheard me having a dispute with my former older sister as a 46-yr old about a phone plan I was on of hers (as a stranger at a bus stop) and "Ah, you're the SCAPEGOAT" with a very sympathetic look. That word was not even a part of my vocabulary at that point but I started researching it online and I saw that many stories match mine just like you did yours. Once you get the knowledge of scapegoaters or/and narcs are doing, it's a game changer! Learning not to give NEGATIVE SUPPLY as I had inadvertently bolted out the door once and all (as they were trying BAIT ME one too many times) at least allowed me to quietly leave in silence with dignity not giving them that last reaction they were hoping to trigger out of me for show as part of their semi-TRANSPARENT SMEAR CAMPAIGN by that point
The thing is they know what they’re doing. There was a time where I used to think “they didn’t mean it” or “it’s just who they are”. I’ve learned this the hard way narcissists fake dumbness because they know the second they admit to any wrong doing: they’ll be accountable. Accountability and shame is a narcissists greatest kryptonite. So they make you go around in circles in conversations and it’s a never ending dance of bs. Nothing gets done or acknowledged.
They also feign ignorance when you need help with something. They suddenly don't know how to do it, or don't know what you mean. Or they deliberately stuff it up so you won't ask again next time.
Narcissist know what they are doing and you can test this. I tested my narcissist golden child sister. The last time I saw her I asked her "why don't you tell people how you really treat me? And she answered "do you think I am dumb? Also if narcissist truly didn't know what they are doing is bad then they would not sling mud and then hide their hands.
Same here I was beaten by my father many times as a young boy for trivial reasons. Mom would never cover for me even for something stupid like me forgetting my homework in 1st grade. Who gives AF if a young child forgets his homework its not that important I didn't deserve to be beaten
My covert manipulative narcissist father playing the 'nice guy' witnessing the abuse and then tell me I should be more forgiving with my mother Now that's really insidious My whole life thought he was the good parent just too passive only to realize he is a MONSTER worse than the overt
The worst thing about narcissists ( on my experience) is the planned mayhem they do! They plan their evilness. And laugh at the hurt, and dismiss it with, " I was just playing!" And when you are hurt and angry,"stop being so defensive or stop being so sensitive!"
a lot of them will write it off as a 'joke'....doncha got no sense of humour...but they're the most humourless 'people' in the world when it comes to themselves - they must be taken seriously but because you are worthless, you are not taken seriously.
Reply, "No, I won't stop. I come first in my life from hereon in. Prepare to be terrified of my anger. The brakes are off now." The attitude changes fast. They tiptoe around you. Stop being polite in restaurants etc. I realised this in my 40s. I just stood up and stormed out of the restaurant.
I’ve experienced all of these things! Convenient for my narcissistic mom, who brands herself as a person of superior intelligence (she’s a doctor), that when it comes to me she can’t remember even the most simple things. Even when I send her screenshots of her own text messages, she denies things. I’ve cut her off and I’m giving myself the opportunity to become myself now that I’m no longer part of her web of narcissistic abuse.
Its very hard when they put them selves in work positions that make them seem like someone who wants to help and they may even help people outside the family to gain reputation but treat their own family members so badly. My mother was a social worker among a few other things and she would use that to gas light me and of course being she was a social worker people trusted her over me and that caused me to question myself a great deal. I spent much of my childhood hating myself and thinking I was just born really messed up and not worthy of love from anyone. Boy I am glad I dont feel that way today but the depression lingers on and cptsd of it. Hang in there! Sending much love in your direction.
What a nightmare. She works as a doctor in an environment where her authority goes unquestioned. It's a dream come true for a narcissist to be in a profession where their enormous egos are can bask in all the obedience and kowtowing. I can understand how she would think of herself as all-important and you as a little nothing.
Docs are full of themselves, blind to being reg humans like the rest of us, it's how they get through the day! My obstetricians were horrible to me and my unborn children, didn't I say so to my new neighbours (naturally too full of themselves to properly introduce themselves as I'd of never said anything) and isn't she a doc and wasn't her dad mine! Oh well, they vacay and I'm not stuck taking care of her cats, works for me! All they do is deny and doing so prob feeds their egos, that which needs to be fed by destroying us, demonic!
When I stopped talking to and engaging with every narcissist in my life. The quality of my life went up. I found joy again.. By simply not dealing with crazy people. My hope is that everyone that has had the misfortune of being connected to a narcissist... Is set free to live in peace.
@@Frankya92 you're right Franky. But I have found that the more you practice grey rocking, eventually it gets easier. It just takes time. Give yourself some grace. These people are not normal.
@@bakerinthehouse5346 Thank you it’s good to hear it gets easier. I find the switching between grey rocking/putting up an internal wall to stop the crazy getting in when dealing with my parents, and then dealing with friends and being open-hearted again - challenging. 🤞it will get easier.
Likewise. I complained about my depression for years & she dismissed it. Then when I tried to kill myself, she acted like she had no idea that things were so bad. 🙄
@@seanneeley3741 I took a bottle of I believe it was aspirin when I was 13-14 and when my sister told my grandpa he said "well if she's that stupid, she deserves to die." He really didn't care at all. I didn't want to die, I just wanted out of pain. I have multiple narcissist family members. Mother, aunt and uncle. And likely grandpa. I was the scapegoat so I can relate to everyone here.
@@VgVi13 Same here. We scapegoats are given that label because we dare to tell the truth about how mean everyone is. Sorry to hear about your pain too.
my dad/parents had a great life and all he does is whine and complain, no gratitude, no humility - we're servants and if we should say no to requests its a tantrum and a freeze out
@Corinabs They want a better life for themselves, BUT they themselves don't want to be the ones to make the changes that could make it possible. They want the very best of everything, but just expect it all to be handed to them for doing absolutely nothing. They expect their kids to marry into money because they think it will benefit them as well. I just cannot grasp how a parent could possibly raise their kids to think that way. Very poor parenting.
@@jodizellmer994 No some of them definitely want to MAKE you suffer more than them without ever trying to be better for themselves that’s how my narcissistic family is
Yeah my dad tried to reel me back in and truth me told i slightly took the bait. Still can't tell if hes faking again or he means it this time. I'm so tired of giving chance after chance, but I know I will never be able to trust him. And yet I still try. I guess im just waiting for the day I give up.
Amen to that. Trying to hold a narcissist accountable is like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall. I simply adjust my behaviour to limit the damage inflicted by a mother who will not change.
Yes, me too but it's with a husband of 40+ years. Why have I stayed so long? Many reasons, none of which seem to have done any good. My husband is a blend of grandiose and passive agressive/covert, mostly the latter. He isn't usually nasty or rude unless I step out of my box. It's this emotional box, and total refusal to acknowledge or work on ANYTHING, shutting down ALL communication that he doesn't have an interest in or that is threatening, is what's making me crazy. There is NOTHING of value emotionally, spiritually, etc. I am nearly totally invisible to his heart and mind and he keeps his hidden from me. It's the most lonely, stiffeling experience; NO one gets it and no one wants to hear it. 😢 The trouble is, I feel I my window of opportunity to leave was closed. How would I ever survive on my own in the insane world we are now living in?
@@barbarastrate8388 I feel for you! I know what it's like. I want to say there is always hope! I never thought I would ever be able to cut ties with my mother, mostly for financial reasons and help with the children. But it was possible. It took me two years with a skilled therapist and it was SO worth it. I feel so free now. If you want to, I will pray for you that life will reveal a way to freedom for you. I believe it's possible. Best wishes!
Love this, My mom is so dysfunctional i literally gave her a letter stating all the bullshit she pulls, which is why i dont speak to her any more, and while shes holding it and has read it, continues to do everything on the very list which she is holding, while denying them all, and denial all of her bullshit behavior is literally on the list she was holding. You cant make shit shit up.
Love your videos ❤ Could you please speak about the role of the co-dependent partner in these relationships. I asked my co-dependent mother in law if she wasn't curious to know why exactly her son and grandchildren took their distance from her and her husband (my father in law). Her answer: "No he's absolutely not interested in finding out because he already knows he's going to be blamed for everything anyway."
That is good that she has it and has read it. Some moms tell everyone in the family how inappropriate that letter was and how immature you are for cutting contact as a way to illustrate that YOU are the one with mental issues.
In front of everyone they are the best parents & do everything you wish they would genuinely in private. Behind closed doors you are neglected, belittled, invalidated, parentified, demoralized, shamed, never allowed to just be or feel any of your own feelings.
Amazing the catastrophic damage that these narc parents do, and sadly at such a young age that it alters a child's life course trajectory before they even got to know who they were. 'Makes it difficult to _find yourself_ later in life to try to get back to good, when you wouldn't even recognize who you were meant to be in the first place because _you_ were taken away _(destroyed)_ from yourself at such a young age.
Haven't spoken with my parents in five years. Not proud of that, but they never changed until the end. Being abused while I took care of them both, financially, as an adult. Meanwhile, they would always belittle me about my job, my schooling, everything, even I never asked for anything, including their approval. Good riddance to abusers. Gave them tons of chances over many years.
People criticize me for not dealing with my (narcissistic) parents. I love them but they play victim while they verbal abuse me and I’m not willing to tolerate their crap anymore. The only time they have use for me is when they want something.
Narcissist parents don't have children because they want to love them and protect them and teach them about life, narcissist parents have children so the children will serve them. I was birthed by my narcissist mother to serve her, and when I didn't because of the constant mistreatment she dished out on me then I became her enemy. I went no contact 10 years ago and it was the best decision I have ever made in my whole life. My narcissist mother never cared about me or saved money and left me to fend for myself, so I don't care about what happens to her. Currently she's in her early 70s with mild dementia and she is living with her favorite manipulative golden child narcissist daughter and they feed off each other and I'm happy that they are not feeding off of me anymore.
Don't blame you a bit. Last time I spoke to my dad he said "when are you going to be nice to your mother again?" I said "maybe on a cold day in hell." That's really not my style!
Putting their child (a safe target) down in order to bond with others, seems inconsequential, and an easy win to the narc. Due to the adult-child power imbalance, the parent hasn’t been held responsible, because they’ve held all the power. Unless the adult child learns about abusive behavior, they’ll most likely continue to be manipulated into being a doormat for the narc. Thank you Jerry!
Yep took me so long to finally realize this but for people who blame themselves for not figuring this out sooner like I did please know we are wired to bond and find connection with our caregivers it’s not our fault they abused us.
@@MielaMazewhat exactly did you tell them no in regards to? My dad was always notorious for making me the butt of his jokes. He’d intentionally make jokes about things he KNEW I felt ashamed and embarrassed about in an attempt to bond with others. If I stormed off or cried he’d get annoyed and tell me I need to stop being so sensitive. Another thing he’ll do is CONSTANTLY try to FORCE YOU to engage in the same damn topics he either A. Already Knows you have zero interest in talking about or B. That he knows you don’t agree with him on. Respectfully reminding him that you don’t care to discuss that topic will cause him to lash out and tell you you’re being disrespectful by not shutting tf up and listening. Voicing a difference of opinion will also result in him lashing out and reminding you to stay in child’s place, even though you’re a grown adult. Outright ignoring him can also result in him getting angry and verbally assaulting you. The only thing that works is avoiding his presence all together.
Both of my parents played those games from time to time. My mom still does it sometimes, I actually decided she may have been an undiagnosed special needs child. It's like she never grew up and can't learn things. Such as when you ask her to stop doing something irritating, but she keeps doing it.
When it comes to learning for other's seeming gain, they have rocks in their heads. It makes me laugh how much they want to look perfect and think that it's ok to look like a complete idiot is a good way to appear perfect!! Makes my head spin!
My dad does the same. After being around him, I leave feeling like iv spent time with a vulnerable toddler that isn't coping with the world. He plays vulnerable all the time...till someone says something he doesn't like and he snaps. So i smile sweetly and tiptoes around him. I often wondered if he was an undiagnosed whit some major inability. I don't like having any contact with him. It originally put me in a position of seeing him out of duty. I have no interest in him being in my life at this stage. Its a relief not to care. I believe now that it's not a condition he's struggling with but rather a personal choice he uses. I see the difference in him when he's playing me and when he's around other people he wants respect from. Its a ploy he's used to manage his own life. He most certainly doesn't care.
@@krispate1558 Ah, yes, How dare you still have feelings over what just happened to you over something I can't be bothered to specify. I'm sorry you received such dismissal of your feelings. That's so toxic. My dad told me, "Quit being so fun to tease." Like, WTF??
So right. A therapist once said, well, maybe you would like to get in touch with your mother again at some point. I said, yeah, right, as if anything had changed after 42 bad years.
@@Wesenskern They call that "re-traumatization" Well-meaning book-learned therapists who think they have an understanding of narcissism, but only serve to deepen the despair, because the patient realizes the person they have spent time and money on to help them, has no clue. The only therapist a scapegoat can hope to trust and benefit from is another scapegoat who has managed to heal themselves and then turned their hand to assisting others as a therapist.
@@HeartFeltGesture YES!! I had a therapist I worked with for two years to finally break free. She and I shared a similar story so we were able to really connect regarding being the scapegoat.
Yes, their playing dumb really did a number on me as a kid. I thought I was brilliant and that didn't go well in other settings. I'm really enjoying this series on narcissistic parents, very helpful. Thank you.
Jerry, your videos are spot on. These people are evil. They do not care for humans as humans. These people sole aim is to get what they want without being accountable. As soon as you see these signs tale decisiive actions. Do not feel guilty. Set your boundaies and get away from them. You deserve to be happy.
I agree, my mother got rid of me to be with a man that didn’t want kids. She sent me to live with my father and when I told her that he was abusing me she made all kinds of excuses why I couldn’t come back. I later mentioned it as an adult and she claims that she didn’t know that he was abusing me 🙄
"I mean, I'm not saying you can't be a normal human being around me. I'm simply saying you're incapable of being a normal human being at all." You know, I wet the bed until I was 13 or 14. And now that I'm older, I understand why I did it. It's because my parents were abusive and neglectful. So I would suggest for any parents out there never announce that your child wet the bed. Because more than likely, it's your fault.
I know a woman who was dry but resumed bedwetting at 13. Her mother treated her like a slave. Told friends who had called for her that she could come out as soon as she finished a job she was doing. Once she finished it, her mother immediately gave her another job to do. I suspect that the child reminded her mother of her own bullying father: which is absolutely no excuse.
My all my nephews wet the bed into high school. My niece’s son has horrible issues. I asked my sister and her husband recently if he was molested because he is really acting out. My heart breaks for him.
My partners youngest wets the bed and mother is a narcissist. He's been severely abused by his brother who the mother abused as a toddler. One website says it's due to not having the ability to protect your "territory". Urination issues often connect to lack of sense of boundary. We can't tell the boys what the mother is. Just gotta mitigate the damage.
Mine also had diabetes and would conveniently get low blood sugar as well. After several years, I stopped helping him and people treated me like the worst wife in the world. Well he eventually quit doing it. How evil to use diabetes to prey on someone like that. He had it for over 40 years and used it to be a victim and manipulator his whole life. After I left, he's as healthy as can be. Not one issue.
My ex did the same thing! It pretty quickly got to the point that if he said he had to test his BG, I knew the answer was "no." I always felt like a jerk for suspecting him of using his diabetes like that. It's good to know someone else experienced this.
This is my dad. After making the terrible mistake of moving back in with family a few years ago, I grew to realize that he was a complete narcissist. If you bring up something he ever did, it never happened. If you bring up something that he ever said, he never said it. If you have a disagreement or have a complaint, he is always right and you are always wrong. If you keep pressing the issue then he always says, 'You're crazy. Your're fat. You're lazy. You're stupid. You're weak, you're just like you're mother, and if you dont like then leave'. Blah blah blah.
My mother is starting to look real suspicious. She has every trait here. Even if she isn’t a narcissist, she acts like one, and that’s enough for me. Thank you for this, it’s given me clarity.
@@keithstewart7514 I, as a fellow dude, just turned 50 in September and I finally realized what you did myself when I was 44 years old the vindictive stuff and smear campaign they were doing behind their my back. Of the last handful of years I've had to discard each sibling one by one. I'm not oversensitive and I don't have super high standards. My 3 EX-SIBLINGS decided that they had the right to hack my phone/account the last handful of years. (They even left the name of a friend of my younger brother who I had not spoken to and two decades that we grew up with on one of my Google or Gmail document files. To top it off, there was even a picture of Chewbacca superimposed on this friend. (Who had Chewbacca on his license plate as, I think it was Chbacca or Chewy-etc ,# or something because that's the Virginia license plate rule or limits for a vanity plate) I get SSI and they semi-transparently currently financially getting $80/wk assistance from my elderly parents because they wrecked my reputation at leasing offices and I'll spare you the details but it was obviously part of the smear campaign. (The rent barely exceeds my income) Pardon my long story but, I keep having to change phones because they keep transparently hacking. The last phone I had I did what I did with the other phones and finally just smashed it when the flashlight was turning on and off too many times. So I smashed that phone when I lost my temper when it happened one too many times and had to buy another phone behind their back. (I thought I was just the siblings until it became evident that my parents were immediately giving my number because they have so many other telltale signs that my phone is being invaded it's not even funny) Do I sound fucking crazy yet? That's the whole point of the DARVO ritual that these people do! Years ago, if I read what I was typing, I wouldn't even believe them. (The reading RU-vid comments I've read even worser stories such as people having their pet stabbed with a pen, etc., from these demons). Nevertheless, the whole point is to discredit the witness. It's not as if I was going to go tell the world about what they were doing to me or anything like that. (But I do have the right to vent on RU-vid forums and comment areas in other internet forums... I'm not naming names because I respect myself, not because I respect them anymore!) Even if she isn't a narcissist in your case, if you are having to come to watch videos like these like me and many others are--something is wrong and so called Paradise that they're from. (Thank God I live 2300 mi away from where I grew up nowadays for 2 decades!) PS--Despite what my mom thinks I really do love my mom and my dad and I miss talking to them on the phone and I hate having to go to a goddamn supermarket just to call them from the store phone because it's not safe to give them my phone number anymore! (My older sister started this whole smear campaign when I was on her phone plan years ago)
@@keithstewart7514 did she (have to) live with the nuns when she was young ? Lots of women (until the '70's) from that age (my mother too) lived with the nuns for years and got abused/punished/shamed every day ! For years ! I'm reading a (Dutch) book right now about it. It's called "quiet inside" . Women of old age finally speaking up about what really went on there/in their lives. Horrible ..
My mother was the gc of 3 girls, 2 brothers. Mums younger brother is a straight up thief/pedophile. NOT'her goes to the church my parents were married in & never once did dna-dad go there in my lifetime. Monsenior is 5 years older than MYSELF & truly as FROST is to Ice he's a POS Narcissist too. Christian hate has lived in the family from within them & I was a Friday the 13th light that They CANT kill. Each parent & my sibling have tried.
my father has been behaving strangely since my childhood. I started noticing his strange behavior around the my age of 6 ( can be due to his emotional level of a 4-6 year old kid). He always lacked empathy and compassion. I noticed that he loved to make me sad, to humiliate me. The worst thing is that the mother agreed to this for her own convenience. I remember how my father simply hit me in the face with his fist and I fell down in a daze. My mother saw it and did nothing, I was blamed for who knows what, because I stood in the way of his fist. She always played dumb, pretend that she hadn't seen something or tell me that I was oversensitive. Playing stupid or pretending to lack understanding is a method of gaslighting, they simply want to break you, upset you (they observe your reactions). My mother always explained to the family that I had bruises because I fell or that I hit my head on the floor. My parents preferred to make me look crazy in the family, even in time where I had evidences. When I went to the police, my father started destroying his items, documenting it and pretending that I was destroying his property. He did all this to blackmail me into not reporting the matter further to the police. What's more, he himself, out of fear after the events, went to the police first, making himself a victim to avoid punishment. Narcissists are monsters, don't let them manipulate you. They make themselves a victim until the very end, they don't want to take responsibility for their actions, and they seriously believe that they can do anything. I was always terrified of him by his self-confidence. This self-confidence is literally paralyzing, terrifying. The hardest thing is when they are your parents and you are an empath yourself, no one wants to help you and you have to find strength within yourself.
As a superempath I understand that their confidence is false and I've learned how to mirror their actions back to them to an exactness. But they aren't even worth it
This is so true and so tragic. As for your dad distroying his possesions then blaming you for it is like a racist cop pulling over a black person then throwing a maurina joint in his or her car then arrest them for drug possesion.
A lot of narcissistic people are the ones in my opinion who turn people introverted b/c a lot of time people aren't introverted but if you are constantly telling them you don't like something or want something or like the way you're treated they ignore you, gaslight you, bully you, threaten you, fight you or get a group of people to do so, and then they start all over again smiling as though you are some kind of robot and you're supposed to have these civil light-hearted conversations as though they haven't been tormenting you. It reminds me of a prison camp in which the enemy brainwashed someone to conform to their way of thinking even though you don't think like them and you won't get any needs whether psychological, physical, mental or emotional unless you play by their book. Then when you stop talking so much. Well, you should have told me you wanted that. How can I know if you don't tell me. It's crazy. But they use these tactics on jobs as well, especially the supervisors.
My mother wanted me to go to a psychologist because I was introverted. She thought that being introverted was not natural because she was an extrovert. Years later I would seek help for job stress. I asked about what my mother said the shrink said your mom is the one with the problem. I left the office feeling 10 feet tall.
There are a lot of new videos coming out now with so called enstranged parents. They never tell us directly what it is that caused their children to go no contact. Its all ways generalized. then they act like they have no idea what so ever why their son or daughter wont talk to them. Yes they play dumb. This is their play book. Every single one of them.
Ollie Matthews on his "Societal Narcissism" RU-vid channel covers this topic on a few recent videos. I'm a childless 50-year old guy. Yet find this a fascinating topic is it tends to have a lot of parallels with what I've been experienced in terms of certain things. He has a thing about calling out the Baby Boomers too. I'm 50, so I'm not that 20-year old who calls anyone a boomer disagrees with them or anything like that. That being said, I'm glad they're getting some blowback FINALLY for what they I've been doing from generation Xers like myself lately. (I don't mind if people have my age would call me a boomer if they disagree with me, I would kind of laugh but I'm happy that they are actually for once holding accountable that generation whether this mean older person with the new slang word or something else specifically)
No. Not every single one. Sometimes our kids married a controlling narcissist and threatened them if our kids have contact….so please don’t talk about something self righteously when you actually don’t understand this pain, at all.
This is my family in a nutshell. The worst is when one of them will say something completely and totally inflammatory (even personally or professionally insulting). When they’re call out on what they’ve said, they’d almost immediately pull the ignorance card and act like I was living in a parallel universe or something. And -of course- they almost constantly pull any of the other tactics mentioned in the video. In fact, they seem to interchange between the different the different tactics by the minute.
Knowing who's a narcissist in my family or others has helped me heal my low self-esteem problems. I was brought up to believe I was the problem, I need help, im not good enough, I'll never amount to anything etc. I might not have what my sisters have materially but I've escaped the family, im 16 years sober and my life is simple. My parents have no idea how sick they are, the abnormal becomes the normal and don't ever point it out to them because they will punish you.
It isn’t simply that they play dumb (while having schadenfreude). Just wait until they get older. Any and everyone will kick you around (figuratively), for even attempting to hold them responsible for their behavior. Even when it’s clear they know what they’re doing and they don’t have dementia, it is not societally acceptable to hold your parents responsible for anything - but breathing life into you. So, you become victimized by what they did or said and victimized by even cutting your eye around at them for it. Even if you leave to protect yourself, that becomes a violation. Narcissists don’t exist in a vacuum. They exist because of all of the naive, “well meaning” people out there, who don’t know any better - and some of them do and are a problem, in and of themselves.
I believe it’s actually both as contradictory as that may sound but they are experts in mental acrobats. They are only aware of who wields power and when someone more powerful and more influential than them enters the room, they know who to placate to, based off of their own trauma. Like adult children. It’s actually sad.
Both my parents played this game, it can be so subtle. I still have trouble calling my father anything other than grossly codependent, but last night as I was trying to answer the question "what do you love about your dad," NOT "do you love him," but what is it about him I love, I couldn't come up with anything that wasn't pervasively contaminated with his neglect and selfishness. Narcissism as a quality, rather than the medically defined disorder, is really deeply difficult on its own.
My favorite is "It happened so long ago! Why can't you just forgive and move on???" OR "At least you weren't threatened every night that your father was going to shoot you in your sleep!! You have it so well!"
Wow!!! I thought my mom was the other one that use “I’ve had so much on my mind” as an excuse. I cannot wait to get away frm her. She’s gonna be 70 next year and you would think she would attempt to be a better person..
Your video is bang on point! I've had a hideous toxic overload of this today! "Playing dumb"! For Heaven's sake! - of course! Thank you so much for this reassuring, revivifying balm Jerry💚
So resonates with me … when someone “doesn’t remember” or tells other family members that you are just “too sensitive “ or “making it up” it is crazy -making … and then we eat drink numb ourselves and become depressed … and then it’s our fault we just can’t get along … thank you
my whole family says im too sensitive. my brother did it after I calmly told him his treatment bothered me and I would appreciate it if he stopped. my dad did it because I couldn't handle his "criticism".
I'd gone to my parents' house temporarily while in transition getting away from a (diagnosed) NPD husband. After a few days of taking walks with my mom and talking through some things, they nudged me into going to church with them on a Sunday night. As I sat there, a skit was performed (written by my mom) quoting many of the things I had talked to her about -- it was a comedy skit. I made it through the ordeal but was furious. She told me later that she thought it would help me to laugh about it and she didn't mean any harm. That's the last time I shared any inner feelings or problems with her.
Thank you,Jerry Wise! I felt like the lone,aging lion surrounded by traitorous jackals intent on my destruction. Now I'm armed to the teeth. Oh,also...regarding NPD parents-- Intentional Incompetence
It's interesting that Jerry speaks about children not seeing and recognizing narcissism. Before we knew what was happening my husband would always say " that's how my parents are" " it's cultural ". Now he understands narcissism and how toxic they are but that 10 percent still wants some connection cause he can't "abandon his parents". I said that's guilt and grooming telling you that.
My mom would drive me to the bank whenever I got a tax refund check (she always opened my mail even into my early 20s, I lived with her because she would make sure I didn't have enough money to move out) and show me my refund check, and tell me I needed to sign it over to her because of the cost it took for me to live with them. At the same time, she would manipulate me out of money so I couldn't move out. I was income for her. Financial abuse is definitely real and a way for abusers to maintain control so you can't leave.
My family does the same, and is still withholding mail from me and hiding it in her car from me. She will give me the mail after it already has food stains on it from how long she has been holding onto it. Along with the dates of the mail being very delayed and important dates and deadlines to mail back.
I have an older sister that was a bully. Physically and verbally abusive. From the time I was a small child, she was my mom's golden child. She allowed my sister to be abusive. I never understood why my mom never reprimanded her for that behavior. Never took up for me. I was always expected to take the high road and would be called out if I did not. I was not allowed to speak up for myself. My mom is gone now. She died last year. Now, my sister wants nothing to do with me.
You are better off without her. My Narcissistic Mother is also gone but I have two sisters who were golden children and I have no contact with them. I am not saying that they never got any verbal abuse, they did. The difference is that they brown-nosed their way into her graces and became narcissistic flying monkeys. To get along with a Narcissist you have to dislike whoever the Narcissist dislikes.
My narcisisstic parents had always been overbearing and protecting to the point of extreme smothering. Because of this I left my own country 10 years ago and have been grey-rocking my parents to my best ability. Last weekend I cut them out of my life for good as they called the fricking cops on me and reported me as a missing person ALL THE WHILE BEING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY just because I didn't write to them for a month and a half. I confronted them about this issue and they told me if I hadn't disappeared for such an awful amount of time, they wouldn't have had the need to do such a thing. They told me that they still see me as their 5-year old child and no matter how hard I would try to remove them from my life, they would not let it. Creeped out and shocked by this self-entitlement and impertinence, I decided to cut contacts to protect my family and myself from these psychopaths. I should have a done it years ago but I was not ready. Now I am. Interaction with narcissists contributes to nothing good. They are like buckets with holes punched in it. No matter how much water (love, energy, nerves) you put in, it's never enough, it's always empty and it will always be empty. Also, there needs to be a parenting permit that one needs to get in order to be allowed to make children. We have permits even for our dogs but every piece of shit asshole is allowed to reproduce? Well...
That is my mom and stepmom and my sisters. The husbands are enablers or too scared to speak against the queens 🙄 my latest fun is the fact I need to have surgery and the queen B number one was mad. Asking me if I could wait until after the holidays 🙄 all I needed was a damn ride home from surgery. She was so awful to me most of life she’s damn lucky I even speak to her. I should have known better then to even ask her for help. And then she wonders why I took myself off all social media have little contact and my one sister went no contact.
6:55 last year me, Aerospace Engineer was at my Brother's wedding. My brother is Data Scientist he founded a stattup and my dad is talking to his co-CEO business partner. My father starts sharing a story from when I was 14 years old in a children's musical theater company singing and dancing on stage. I was horrified as this was a man I'm trying to network with professionally. When I confronted my father and told him he had embrassed me he was all confused and didn't understand why. I tried to explain why a story me dancing around on stage as a child isn't the image I need to maintain as an Engineering Professional. He acted all confused and cut me off before I could explain why. That was just over a year ago. Now after years of disrespect like that I limit connect with him.
My ex told me his parents would treat people badly and then go “But… we don’t understand?!?” in response, every time. Imagine my shock when he one day insulted my weight, I called him on it and he turned to me with a black eyed, blank look and said “But… I don’t understand!?!” These people are demon possessed.
And when they add “please explain it to me so I can understand!” You get the glimpse of their smirk, as if they are enjoying the replaying of this, with their own agonizing child… they just sick
And here I was feeling guilty and ashamed for not wanting to be around for the holidays. Everything discussed in this video I was able to identify with. I feel sad, and even sick for not wanting to see them. But then I watched this, remembered my childhood, and realized this was the most lonely but peaceful Thanksgiving I've ever had.
They are children who just never want to grow up. They know exactly what they're doing and they don't care. Mine's going into a rest home soon, thank God, I will have my life back again. 🎉
Congratulations. When she came to live with us, my Mom brought into our home my stomach ache . I thought sure I left it back with the dark of adolescence. She had it with her the whole time.
Just went no contact with my parent and what im observing immediately is the "Smear Campaign". Turning family on me. And honestly if these people that easily are convinced im an a hole. ✌️ You were never my family
What a great video. Back when, before I separated from my family maybe 20 years ago. I was doing all I could to address the dynamics of my relationship with my family members undernthe tutelage of my cbt therapist. This whole video just about addressed every version of their response to me addressing the interactions, verbal exchanges and behaviors I would no longer engage in as well as boundaries with myself and them. What was no longer tolerable. Right after they would say or do something egregious I would address it in real time and they would either do one of the things you said here, blame shift or change subjects like I did not ask them a direct question. After a couple years of me spending a lot of time paying out of pocket with a therapist, doing all I could to clean up my side of the street. I did not see an ounce of the effort I was putting in. I realized that this was a losing endeavor and that my therapist could be stringing me along for secured employment. So after many sessions of me saying I’m no longer going to talk to anyone in my family. My therapist strongly trying to convince me otherwise I had also realized I lost all trust in him to after about five years with him. So I quit therapy with him and never talked to anyone any family member again. I’ve done alot of dumb things, firing that therapist and no longer talking to anyone in my family are not two of those dumb things.
My mother affected my income into adulthood up until she became too sick and eventually died.. I am 37. She died only a couple of years ago. I cut contact with her and she still managed to do a lot of corrupt things such as speak to my employers and potential employers, and contacted SSI judge the day I went to in to try and appeal my case. I lost the case btw, I believe due to what she told the judge.
Mine's always been the other way around--they've tried to render me dependent on them financially. Which sounds better until you realize that this means they want to be able to tell you what to do with every cent they give you...plus every cent you earn yourself. It comes down to having to refuse every gift, no matter how small.
My brothers would call my doctors seeking my medical information until one doctor threatened to call the police. Also, they spread lies about me at school, in the neighborhood and to my landlord and doctors.
The narcissistic abuse complemented the recession right after I started college and then graduated without work experience. They had always undermined me especially when I was trying to get a job when I was in high school . I was 18 with depression and low self-esteem due to years of narcissistic abuse I went through since childhood. I never understood why and never realize they were narcissists until I started watching these videos on RU-vid that describe my childhood and now my situation and problems today. I didn't achieve milestones of adulthood so I seem like I retrogressed or I am retarded or mentally ill but now all of this is present fodder that frames the narcissistic abuse of today, which are themes of that I never became an adult, still depend on them, and I am a failure and embarrassment. I am in my 30s. One thing I learned never tell the narcissist your goals or your problems. They either undermine your goals or make your problems worse.
@@monicaperez2843 I am also in the same situation. They threaten to call the police. They told everybody in the family and people around me that I am mentally ill and a danger to everybody. Hence, they always isolated me since I was young.
It blows my mind how they are so willing to look stupid. As if ignorance is a full, good excuse. The Best response possible if it comes from them!! Duh!!
My mom has done this my whole life and uses this tactic the most. I'm preparing my cut off and escape from this self perpetuating cycle. It took so long to understand what a covert narcissist was and that my mom is one. Thanks for this! 🙌
The sharing embarrassing things by my narcissistic mom actually was a blessing in disguise. She kept escalating that behavior over the years. The biggest incident being in front of my mother and sister in law visiting from out of town. The horrified looks on their faces was enough to wake me up. I started thinking “Why do I continue to work so hard to keep you in my life if this is always the result?” I even had to beg her to come over that day because I didn’t want to be alone with them all day while my husband was at work. She was supposed to be my buffer or back up and instead I regretted I turned to her for that emotional support.
I'm 52 years old and I still struggle with accepting my parents were like this. Everyone around me saw it but me. As children, even adult children, we would rather blame ourselves. When my mother would play stupid and fake ignorance, I believed her because I wanted to. I only recently started enjoying holidays again. Growing up so many times nobody wanted my family around. I totally understand why now. But as a child it hurt so much to be excluded from family events. Narcissists ruin everything and they enjoy doing it too.
@@bakerinthehouse5346 I always have some type of illness from October through the first of January. Then come the first of the year, I am healthy. Thank you for your kindness!
My husband and i no longer allow ourselves to be alone with his narc parents. When they visit my parents come as well. It really frustrates them that they can't isolate and control anymore but they did it to themselves.
@@cassien7585 Why bother paying so much attention to what a couple of old bags say? Let them talk if for some reason you cannot shut the door in front of their noses. They can hardly do anything to you. If it still triggers, then stop any contacts with them until you get better.
@aammssaamm huh? No one wants to subject themselves to narcissistic yammering. I don't wanna hear them talk period. They do so much damage the second they open their mouths.
the "they act like they're the victim" one really resonated with me. for years I have been convinced I'm abusive. if I wasn't such a difficult daughter, our family wouldn't have so many problems. if I didn't stand up to my father's abuse we would all get along. I'm not perfect, and I'm certain I've contributed to the dysfunction (especially now as an adult responsible for my own actions) but the fact that I've searched for literature about possibly being an abusive daughter, googled endless iterations of "can the child be abusive towards the parents?" or "am I actually the abusive one and not my mother/father?" while my mother asks professionals if it's possible _she_ was the victim of abuse from her daughter because she is unable to admit she had a role in the dysfunction and abuse says how, even if I was a problem child or issued reactive abuse, just by the fact that I own up to it makes it clear my parents were not the victims they made me think they were.
I love, love, love what you say. I just entered this life story today. When i was a teenager, Mom would get up before us in the morning she would shuffle down the hall to the kitchen, screaming non-stop about "Those lousy, goddamned spoiled brats! Sxxx on them..." I couldn't sleep at night. More the once, i just exploded and yelled back that i couldn't stand her constant yelling. She stood there, totally stunned. "What are you talking about? I don't yell at you." I never understood why my brother and sister never spoke up, especially since I was the weak and often bullied one. I ran away and locked myself in the bathroom. After a while, she got unlocked the door. She sat down and explained to me the "two kinds of people in the world." What the hell did that have to do with anything? How do I respond to such an insane topic?
You don't. Not really. Placate and run has become my cheesy yet effective tactic. Talking to them just doesn't work. They will attempt to make it backfire every single time. Don't waste yours trying to cope kindly. They just don't get it!
@sunnyadams5842 I always tried to reason things out by talking about. I always got, " Why do you always have to make such a big deal about everything?" I was also in the closet and ripping myself to shreds over that. I felt like I was in an emotional straight jacket and would explode when it would get to be too much. I had friends or allies for quite a while. At least, I had the consolation of being one of the smartest kids in school.
@@sunnyadams5842 And they use everything you say and do as well as what you have to make anyone in your circle, family or friends to not like and trust you. That's why we have to go no contact. Also to stay away from the flying monkeys.
I had meltdowns growing up and no one cared. I was in suicidal pain constantly. I told my sister not too long ago about one incident with suicide due to being around my dad. I was sad that she offered no compassion. She is a hard core stone to me. But yet she offers compassion and tears to others.
I realized after a while growing up with my step mom, YOUR "sins" are never forgotten but THEIR sins are quite easily are. "Well I DONT remember saying that awful thing to you" even if it happened like a week ago while shes still agonizing over small things no one remembers but them that happened years ago
When I was 15, my dad was supposed to pick me up after school He didn't show. I tried calling, but the line was busy and when the janitor locked the doors, I started walking home About 5 miles into the 9 mile hike, the sun set, adding the additional challenges of dodging speeding cars on a narrow country road in near pitch darkness, but I did catch a ride for the last mile and got home safely, albeit tired, cold and hungry Unsurprisingly, my dad was passed out drunk in his chair, my sister was on the phone and my mom was punishing for the ordeal. She pretended to forget that Dad was suppose to pick me up. She pretended to not know where I had been. Supper had been served cleared and all leftovers had been disposed of - an unusual wastefulness. That was my Django. I was a family member but not part of the family
Wow. I appreciate you sharing. My parents enabled my brother for 50+ years. The three of them were a "family" - left my sister and me pretty much on the outside looking in.
My dad did not drink, was a pastor/preacher, but consistently "forgot" to pick me up after school/tennis tournaments/etc. He was too busy reading his Bible. But mom always punished ME by clearing food and sending me to bed, as if it was my fault.
@@rosel9785 yes, they were the paragons of society, could do no wrong. They were not malicious, just emotionally neglectful of their own children. But nobody knew.
“Oh god?! How am I supposed to know that was psychologically abusive to the children! Now you’ve made me feel like a monster ! Waaaaaa!”. - my husband.
My narcissist pretends he has a hearing problem. When he questions me he hears my answers but when I want to talk about something he can't hear mysteriously
lmao, my dad could always preach but never hear out of his right ear (supposed army injury). One day my therapist said to me, "suppose he just doesn't want to hear you?" Knocked me to my knees.
My mother does this. She has no problem hearing with other people, on the phone, watching tv, or anything, but will often make me repeat myself multiple times claiming she can't hear, or later say she never heard me. If I project my voice, making it louder so she can hear, she'll say I was screaming at her! She'll also use it as an excuse for not knowing that she's yelling. When I've suggested she get her hearing tested/ talk to the Dr about it, she gives the death glare (if looks could kill). It's all a sick game to them.
I've discovered you just recently, and you make things much clearer for me on this endlessly long road I've been on for the last several years. Thank you.
My mom guilt tripped me into giving all of my savings to her 40k$ and promised that she would pay me back. Later on when it was time to pay up she said "you were living under my roof the whole time and I bought all of the groceries and I took care of you, I don't have to pay you back". To this day that has been a source of the worst regret I will probably ever have to deal with. Dr. Wise is right, you can't see the narcissist that easily. I had to go see a therapist and describe what my mom would do or say and they pointed out that "oh it sounds like they have narcissistic traits" and I knew what a narcissist was! I was studying at the time to be a counselor and I had read a lot of books on personality as well, but I never once thought to question if my own mom had a personality disorder. Awareness is so important! Thank you for this video Dr. Wise!
My mother, who has spent mychildhood being extremely angry at me whenever I got less than an A in school, said to me recently flat out "I don't understand why some parents force their children to have straight As, there is more to life than just grades". I was stunned.
Same here, sort of. She ignored everything I did at school (since I got good grades), except the one time I got a C on a math test. It was my first ever math test as a 13 year old, and it was of no significance grade wise. I actually laughed when I reviewed it, because I realised I knew the answers, I had just been unfocused. So I knew I'd do well on the upcoming ones. But she exploded badly! She was a teacher, and used to frighten the pupils aggressively, telling them what they did now was gonna lay the foundation for all the rest of their lives. She made it seem like the end of the world to get bad grades. It was the first time I got my share of that, so I calmly told her that it in fact wasn't the end of my life, that grades are not that important, and that I was not at all worried about it. She kept poking at this incident for 20+ years! And you know what she’s doing now … ? She’s telling people that she tries to teach youngsters that grades are not that important, not the end of the world etc … She used to shame, guilt, frighten and bully her pupils for getting bad grades. Now she’s turned it around doing the same thing when they are upset about getting bad grades … They’re, of course, «too sensitive» (she works as a sub now, being retired, and she’s doing this to her grandchild as well). And she’s using my exact words from when I was 13 … The same words she has repeatedly lashed out against for 20+ years! Only now they are misused to degrade people. Sickening on so many levels … And that devilish look in the corner of her eye, when she knows she is using my words and turning everything around to make herself look good in front of unknowing people. Eeew! It’s saying «do you dear challenge me on this? You know I’ll make hell about it! I know what I’m doing … I know you hate it, that it’s despicable - and I love it!» I finally left her … I pray I never see her again.
The "pretending not to know" is them leaving a space for themselves to invade boundaries. It reminded me of a time with my mother, we were still in contact. I was in my small bathroom flossing & brushing my teeth, she comes in, pulled her pants down& peed, then leaned forward to where shes literally touching me. I was absolutely disgusted but i didn't even get to say anything, probably just made a face & she flew into a narcissist rage. One of the last times i had her in my home. Happy to be no contact
Thanks Jerry. I had a similar experience like the one you shared about the parents embarrsing their son in public. At the time, I remained silent or didn't react. It hurt though. It took me a long time to make sense of his comment aboutme eatingthe cake before their cocktail party when I was 10. I knew deep inside me that it was an abusive and cruel intent and reflected an angry man who was expressing his anger inappropriately. I was 36 when my Dad brought up the cake story when I was 10. He did embarrass me in front of my father in law. Had he brought it up in jest in a kind way, I would have probably laughed at myself for devouring the whole cake. 😂
"Selective memory"...classic narc slippery maneuvering, for sure. I'm trying to learn to _never_ engage with these narcs, but it's difficult when you live with one. It's not like any of your efforts to get through to them will ever penetrate. _Nope._ That's by design and that's exactly how they want it.
After 1 year away….My mother, playing dumb, asked me if I remember who my 17year old niece is? She described her as the one having cerebral pulsy to help me remember. Like I actually forgot another blood related family member I have known since I was 12 years old. I was 30 at the time. My mother was dead serious asking me. That was the last day I saw Anyone in my family. That was 6 years ago. I finally saw it, I finally took action,
Thank you. Unfortunately, in my experience, the narcissist is often all too good at convincing others of their distortions and even complete falsehoods. They turn others against us. This makes their abuse even worse.
You are spot on!!!! Every single thing on this list describes my mother and all of my siblings!!!! I hope to one day join your program and group. It is very difficult to find people who understand this form of abuse. Could you make a video about infantilization of the scapegoat?
Yes please! I was infantilised by my parents, and then my husband took over. After a disagreement, I wondered if he was annoyed, and he said, "How can I be angry with a child?" I don't know how common it is - probably much more than I realised - and I think it's just another way of keeping you incompetent; and chained.
Oh please oh please!! How about parentified and infantalized by the same parent?? All in the same breath!? It still frustrates me ( in my head) that my parents expected me to fully cop to their idea that I was severely Bipolar, but then would be flabbergasted when I didn't maintain my life 🤯🤔 as a FULLY Functioning OverachievING, financially stable ADULT!! What tf do you do with that? When I would say you can't have it both ways, they fell dumb or got angry! Am I right?? Spins my head!! What tf do they WANT??
you are not alone! and yes, it's another way that they control you. it's horrific and i don't think a lot of people understand how difficult and humiliating it is to be treated in such a way. I also haven't seen very many videos about it. @@lesleyvivien2876
@5:19 It wasn't financial, but 'We house and feed you, so I'm entitled to anything you produce," while ripping off something you just earned or created, to give it to the golden child.
I was molested by my uncle, starting as a baby. Yes, I have memories. When I was about 40ish I was telling my mom. She said, “poor uncle, he has so many problems”. That was the last time I shared anything about my life. But yet, when I told her about their family friend, she asked why I did not tell her. I think she was jealous of the relationship I had with their friends.
It took my mom taking herself out of the world by her own hand and leaving a note blaming me…. Then it all clicked. She loved to feign ignorance, surprise and confusion. It’s taken such a toll on my life and I’m working hard on forgiveness so I don’t have to think about her anymore
I can't even imagine that. But it clicked with me. My dad told me that my mom slit her wrists when I was 6 weeks old. He rushed her to hospital and she survived. I just do not know what to say.
Admire your fortitude to survive that horrible guilt tripping and don't blame yourself. You have a clear view of what evil is and pretend to do to you.
My great grandfather did the same thing to my grandfather, but unfortunately he didn't come to the realisation you did and only perpetuated the narcissistic behaviour, and then so did my mother. I'm glad you're realising that it's not your fault or responsibility, only someone very sick could do that and the responsibility is all hers.
And my mom put electeicity and phoned and internet in my name and ran the bills up to the max and never paid them, resulting in my credit being ruined since the day I got credit ratings, and owing thousands. And she says, "well, we all do it to each other, so whatever stop bitching, it is just an argument, get over it". Like, no, people dont just do that to each other...and if they were sorry for it, theyd probably try to pay it back or even just say sorry. Also...her and my sisters just try to pbysically assault me if I say anything.
This therapist never told me he knows my mother!!!!!! EVERY ONE OF THESE IS MY MOTHER TO A T!!!!!!! I have called her out on all of this my whole life - and she has ALWAYS identified me the problem!!!!!!
Its so frustrating. Im in my 50s and I still have flashbacks of incidents from my childhood, the lies, gaslighting etc. It just frustrates me that its happening. Ive been NC for half my life and that half has been really good without them in it. I spent years talking to various therapists and reached a point where none of it affected me. But why am I now suddenly having all these stupid flashbacks?
when I was around 13 i was the captain of my volleyball team and we won the tournament that year for the first time so it was a big deal. My parents never came to see me play and I was good, at 5 feet 3 inches with a net at 240 cm I could spike and do it all and yet my parents didn't care. They came to see the final, we won. My mom said great but the only thing she really pointed out was that I didn't run to grab the cup at the end for the pic and let one of my team-mates go. I told her i didn't care about the cup, it was all of ours, not just the captain's but she could not understand my point of view and managed to belittle me even on that day. If you are aske she will tell you it's because she thought I wasnt taking my accolades but if you ask me she was projecting her own issues and she felt embarassed her daughter didnt do what according to society the captain of a team should do. It doesn't matter who is right, what matters is that on that day I had more validation that I was not good enough and it ruined the taste in mouth in spite of the victory. I was just happy we played so well and won! EFT Techniques are great!
yes- on the shaming-- i broke a tail light on my truck, i bought a replacement and took a while to replacing it, of course she couldnt let me do it by myself she had to practically take over and then we hit a snag at one point so we asked the neighbor - thinking him being male and us both female maybe he would know better...NOPE but when he's helping he said something and i asked what he said and she YELLS at me like i was an idiot for not hearing it. I said well i didnt hear what he said- she tries to say something to put me in my place in front of him....i just stared her straight down and said "dont you even try"......she shut up quickly....f her...
Thank you Jerry. This STILL gets to me. Question; how do I begin accepting that they won't change? Did I forget to grieve about that part? Is it just my old braincirquit of 'maybe I'm seeing things'? How do I accept the truth of who they are and thus give my gut and observations the regognission by trusting myself, beyond appearances?
How old are you? Do you have children? I ask because, for me, when I reached the chronological age my mother was when she abused little six year old me, I finally understood how demented and weird and pathetic she was and stopped grieving her.
my elderly mother was shown a $ 600 power bill after she demanded a paper bill because she didn't believe the email they sent... after seeing the bill she said they made a mistake... oh so it's not you wanting to run the heater all day huh... she the replied I don't understand... 😳😳😳
this is the first video of its kind that i have seen- that actually addresses these issues. talking about emotions-- my mothers responses were either basically get over it, or your wearing your feelings on your shoulders.....and shaming you for that...
This is all so true. I'd like to add that constantly playing devil's advocate is also a form of emotional abuse. Not only were my parents verbally and physically abusive, Dad played Devil's Advocate to everything. Everything was questioned and belittled. Not just of us kids, but of everyone they knew. He never had a nice thing to say about anyone. Everyone was always an idiot. I see this with some family members on my husband's side. Everything is questioned. Often argued with before I or someone else has even finished making a statement. It's so annoying and frustrating. I read in an advice column many years ago that always playing devil's advocate was a form of disrespect and abuse, and I couldn't agree more.
