Navigating Difficult Mother Daughter Relationships with Harriet Lerner 

So glad I had several therapists tell me to walk away from the family... Best thing for me was to walk away. No amount of talk can heal the abuse, agony, and a Mom who is not listening, minimizes abuse while disregarding you reality & feelings. DISTANCE IS RESPECTING YOURSELF.

As I've aged, I've come to see my mom (and our disagreements) in a gentler light. She was a better mother than my younger, self-absorbed self gave her credit for being. She wasn't perfect, but she was a good person and, despite living with chronic depression, she got up every day and took good care of us. That took strength and, in the end, it has made a more positive difference in my life than I realized. May every woman be able to forgive their mothers. Love and forgiveness are the best remedies.

Thank you for humanizing motherhood, being a mother is so difficult, not only for the mother history but for the difficult circumstances we have had in our lives. Single mothers that have to work 24/7 not only outside but at home, yet we are blamed for whatever reason. As a mother I feel like you are saying, we are held to an impossible standard. We are not seen as humans with fails and strength, I feel like my daughter feels like I owe her xxx impossible standard, we don't need compassion but UNDERSTANDING.

Best thing I did was walk away from my Mom. No amount of conversation could heal my mother, nor make her hear, nor step out of her delusions. I NEED to save myself.

I read about evil mothers every day in my narcissistic abuse recovery group. The group is specifically for adult children of narcissistic mothers. The stories are just heartbreaking. Many of these vicious “queen bees” have pitted their own children against each other creating lifelong severed relationships. Some of these scapegoated children live their entire lives in despair. Some go on to take their own lives, while others become very very ill with medical conditions like auto immune disorders, heart disease and cancer. I am one of them. Living with late stage cancer after my health deteriorated dealing with such wickedness. The evil queen devised a smear campaign and told blatant lies about me. The entire family then turned away from me for standing up for myself and for standing up to the abuse

I feel like this talk is coming from the stand point of “poor mom, the whole world is against her. Give her the benefit of the doubt, give her respect.” But all of that is earned. A relationship goes both ways.. On another note, it’s not all on the child to be the mature one and guide the conversations into a mature way. I spent most of my life being a therapist to my mother and thats a really unhealthy place to be. I think to an extent, theres only so much we can do as daughters until the mothers see their wrong doings and acknowledge them. You can only “forgive and Forget” so many times before it turns into bitterness and resentment. It is not on the daughter to constantly watch out for mother’s feelings

I love all the comments below. Valid points of view. I say, compassion your mother's "struggle," yes, but with a future zero-abuse tolerance policy firmly in place! Always protect your psyche and your heart!

Wow! Hearing the comment about seeing your mother on one half as though she owes you but then to view her as just a woman who’s had her own battles gave me chills head to toe!! Such a wonderful point!!

Parents owe their children lack of abuse

Great conversation. I loved the point that reacting in anger actually lets the other person off the hook because it ends the conversation without having challenged them.

What if we do know lots about our mother’s childhood, and have tried to discuss that they have their own childhood and relational trauma, and it affects everything, including how they have treated us, and all they do is deny it? What if we have tried very hard to be compassionate, both daughters have reached out to come to understanding and mutual space and the mother just continues to not understand anything and makes everything about herself for our own wounding and won’t acknowledge that everyone has growth to do? She says she is 66 and she is at a place where she thinks everyone else needs to do the work and just be there for her?

Adult children who go no contact never get asked how they feel. All the sympathy goes to the mother! God forbid the adult child distance themself.

Me and my mother both have mental health issues and I'm a teenager which makes it harder originally we were having issues and arguments almost every day but now she's trying to take care of herself better which I really think is helping she's doing a much much better job at working through tough moments and hiccups with me as time goes by we make deals compromises but most of all love everyday is a new day I really do wanna acknowledge my mother for trying harder and for realizing that we just gotta work through things it's been about 3-4 weeks since our last major fight since then we've had rocky moments but we work through them I wanna give her the credit she deserves for putting in effort so mothers and daughters reading this take care of yourself and work things through as they come along and your relationship will be 10x better I swear on everything I love

Harriet, thank you for the respectful framework, the support for each daughter's right to her limits and her own position, and the perspective of asking questions to find honest ways to uncover information. This seems to afford both people choices. THAT seems really productive ground.

The book Mother-daughter puzzle is amazing.

We the mothers are often villainized by media, medical/ psychiatric establishment and peers.. our authority to “ mother” to be responsible to look after our children has many competitors.. especially in the past 15 years where the TIk- Tok / social media culture .. take the parental space away from us. My daughter started to be stroppy, disrespectful rebellious at age 13. Simple things like homework, cleaning her room became a nightmare. “ you can’t tell me what to do” ; go away!” That’s none of your business” It was very hard to keep her from sabotaging her future. There is no gratitude.. just resentment and anger.. and now ostracism. Very painful!

I know my mother had a difficult childhood, all of which she has projected onto me, telling me I am difficult to love among many other things. It is important for the mother to take responsibility for what is really a form of abuse, and realise that this has to stop at some point with someone. I have had a lot of mental health issues because of her constant belittling of me. This is the reason why I chose not to have children. If the mother is so broken by her past maybe she should consider working on herself before starting a family, or even consider not starting one at all! I have never been able to have an authentic conversation with my mother, and at 48 now, I feel most of my life has been wasted on walking on eggshells around her. You didn't choose to be in this life, your parents brought you forward. You are not here to suffer at the hands of them and their projections. Saying that we as the daughter must step back and have an all understanding of our mothers behaviour and not being able to voice our issues without being shot down in flames every time is technically keeping ourselves held in a place of being at fault always. Focus on yourself and get healthy mentally.

I very much appreciate Dr. Harriet Lerner's mature wisdom on this subject. It's quite rare. Mother bashing has been going on for generations and I don't think it's done any good. Dr. Lerner's rationality can lead us to a fair and kind place. Tossing someone as monumental as our mother out of our lives in many instances could be like cutting our nose off to spite our face. We could be working on a groovy thing , the most significant relationship in our lives that could be a mutual source of love, comfort and growth. Remember, we all think that we are going to be better parents than our parents. Really? Love and forgiveness is almost always best.

Whew, this subject is HEAVY. Very hard to have a difficult relationship with a mother- this relationship permeates ALL relationships that follow throughout your life . Speaking from firsthand experience

What an important conversation...Thank you infinitely.

This was really helpful. Thank you for having this conversation and making it accessible.

thank you so much for the dialogues. it gave me so much inspiration in treating the problems about mother-daughter relationship. thanks a lot!

Thank you for this beautiful and calm conversation. It was really soothing just listening to both your voices.

Thank you for this 💚

Took so much from this especially in regards to reactivity and holding boundaries. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing this, it's beautiful to know we can make a difference and hear about the process thru others people experiences

Thank you very much to both of you.

Much needed. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing, this was really interesting and tha conversation was very light and calm even though the topic is so difficult. I really enjoyed it!

Watching it 2 years later (after recording) and found this conversation double fascinating as your self are about to be a mother to a daughter so very soon. Love and knowing Heriet for long time already, was happy to find this conversation of you 2 appreciated voices. Family System therapy is a life changing for me, thank you for bringing it upfront here as well. 🙏❤️

I feel like this conversation came to me at the right time. Thank you so much!!!! I hope to read some of Harriet's books in the future.

I don’t understand why we must live because all relationships are so difficult. What a dissapointment life is.

Speaking to the DIFFERENCES 👁️👁️

My mother is at end of her life and has had numerous surgeries I feel so destroyed from the damage she did to me her abusing me tearing my identity down from young age put me into a direct pit of further abuse with anorher male abuser I list everything over her and my x brainwashed my own kids to go against me blame me and see my normal role as a mother as wrong I'm totally understanding of her childhood n life experiences it does nothing to help me get peace due to the damage of destruction she caused to my life I couldn't enjoy a single area of my life due to her abuse of me and total inability to communicate with me in a normal way without adding I am out of my mind to suggest she was cause of all I lost

Thank you so much for this beautiful interview. In my view, it has been one of the deepest speech and analysis about mother and daughter relationship I have been able to hear so far. I also have a conflictive relationship with my Mum and I am sure that thanks to your insights I will be able to understand her better and possibly heal a little our relationship. Although I might not be able to do so, I am sure that this publication will help me in my capacity to manage other relationships. Again, thank you. Kind regards.

I suspect that most "difficult" mother/daughter relationships result from a mother who is at least emotionally abusive. As someone with an abusive, manipulative, malicious mother, nothing is more insulting and invalidating than hearing that the problem is really with me not having enough "compassion" for her, or "giving her too much power," or having "unfair expectations of her" that are based in oppressive "patriarchy," or that I need to "grow up." What I hear from this therapist is excuses. It is true that mothers are put on an unrealistic, idealized pedestal. However, I disagree with Lerner regarding how the mother pedestal actually works. In my experience, mom being on the pedestal does not lead to her being "blamed" unfairly. It gets her a giant pass from a society that can't come to terms with a mother as a violent abuser. Her pedestal position protects her from accountability. My mother was free to abuse sexually, physically, emotionally, and psychologically because the adults around her made these types of excuses for her. She was completely enabled and shielded from accountability. Therapists like Lerner are the reason I abandoned therapy. What I needed was support while I was cutting contact. The last thing I needed was a therapist telling me to set more boundaries to try to preserve the relationship with my abuser. Personally, I find her approach here to be almost patronizing to daughters, while promoting and protecting the narrative that enables abusive mothers.

This was such a powerful and necessary conversation!

Thank you ❤️

This was a great conversation. Well needed. Thanks

This was beautiful and so helpful....

It’s really hard to have a convo with my mother when she is constantly evading the reality of the situation. It’s extremely hard for me. I’ll be patient but I’m in between a wall and a hard place

Thank you so much!

love her!!

Such a rich conversation. I could relate to some of the dynamics and took a lot from some of the wisdom shared - will need to listen back to take notes and action. Thank you for this.

This convo, so very precious.

I couldn’t love this any more. Thank you ❤. More of this please!

Thank you!❤❤❤

This really assumes that there is a willingness to have an open line of communication coming from both parties. Not always practical. Some people just have no vested interest in their relationships and that is a reason for dysfunctional dynamics in the first place. It is always someone's responsibility for a dysfunctional relationship and someone's burden. I felt this conversation made many assumptions and failed to attribute certain areas of responsibility. Also, boundaries are a lost cause. They are usually set due to someone's offensive or violating behavior that then survive on the premise that the violating person will honor the new walls put in place. If the person could honor boundaries, they wouldn't have contributed to the events that inspired them in the first place.

This is wonderful and very powerful. Thank you 💜

so informative, thank you.

What a wonderful therapist!!!

How does one learn to ask good questions? It seems to be a critical skill that can open many doors. Thank you!

Such an important interview highligting important points and ideas and revealing some of the things yet to be addressee. Thank you for your courage and sharing what you both have learned and experienced in your life...on your path to being YOU, more fully, and staying connected to family We need both . ❤️ 💙

Really well done! Great conversation, full of tips and felt like it was over tea. Thanks for doing this, both of you.

AmZing, thank you

I reached out in voice first then letter to express my feelings and my compassion to what she has shared with us as her story. Rather than to accept my perspective- she was greatly pained by it. I then wrote an apology for the words with the hope for her responsibility in my pain. I tried after a brief break to reduce our physical connection up until my Dad’s passing. Al my brothers particularly older brother is see is how I hurt her without considering my side of the conversation. I have listened continuously to Dr Ramani to understand the deeper level - victim narcissistic & emotional neglect. I never called her on this just took in the information. Mom doesn’t want a reconciling at a new adult level

They say that sally fields and julia roberts in steel magnolias would have ended up estranged but Shelby died.

I do have curiosity as to why my mother is so defensive but she will not go anywhere NEAR a conversation. Long before the internet even existed and before i had any access to informative material, I would very tentatively try to give the tiniest bit of feedback to my mum when she was hurtful by couching it in compliments and trying to ask questions (that'd help me understand where she was coming from) but it never worked! She would ''see through'' my attempts to connect and she would instantly martyr up and react really indignantly and stonewall me and silence me. I did used to get ''baited'' and after months of being stonewalled, I'd lose control and talk with high intensity at her. I have to give up. I have to stop trying. Maybe not forever but at this point I can say nothing. She is just so defensive. I must respect her right to have hurt me. The. End.

I feel when reading some comments here, that some listeners may have missed some of the vital context of this conversation! Remaining angry, aggressive and casting blame on your mothers by iterating it as is written. You’ve missed the lesson wherein, the dialogue we could have created; or the approach to fearing confrontation has left the room here … Too much anger and blame in you to move on in life without trashing Her .. the lesson … listen again and understand the mothering stereotypes of the generation they grew up with . The dynamic influences their parenting had on them as young Mothers. I’m a mum , have had to cross that divide with my own (now 30 yo daughter) . Moving forward as a mum and trashing your Mum to your children and living with this sense of entitlement over your anger … 😢 try to learn to heal please . Your toxicity will easily rub off on your children. It may not be how your children react to you! It may well be how they react and conduct themselves with difficult friendships or partners in their future lives.. Remain calm, breathe. This conversation was excellent fodder for me! So Thankyou Shey❤❤. Recommended by my Psychotherapist in Australia; Who like Ms Lerner experienced a caustic & denigrating mum in her life. Teach as they do and heal 🙏 A valuable tool in conquering parenthood; relatable to Fathers too. ☮️💟✝️

(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). The Relationship with hOUR Children is Meant to Trigger Unsolved Wounds and Suppressed Memories and Feelings from hOUR Own Childhood so that Wee may Intergate those facture aspects to being and becoome moor whole

Could it be that mothers have taken care of daughters that turn out to be the exact opposite of what the mother knows can be accomplished...some daughters are making irresponsible decisions despite the guidance from their mothers, intentionally ignoring the mother's advice causing them to have to move back home with their children and baggage...if a mother did her all to be responsible for her family why are daughters not following suit, at least this is my situation

This right here....💯💯💯💯💯💯

I find the phrasing "we can't change our mothers" to be rooted in the patriarchy FILTER that says -there IS something "wrong" with her. Ugh. Of course she can't be OK the way she is!!! Ugh. EVERYONE has positives and negatives, strengths and weaknesses., and yet, we focus on mothers negatives-she must be changed, fixed-signaling she is FLAWED only. Ugh Sad.. the layers of patriarchy and misogyny run deep. We struggle to find a path OUT and struggle in words, too. Sad The layers of oppression that womyn and mothers endured, it needs to be highlighted that it is a testiment to HER that SHE MANAGED TO LIVE. These are deeply painful things that go into one's heart and her identity, by nature and what is forced on her , programmed in her psychy And it IS our nature, as communal creatures to stay in tribes. Yet, not HER, she is too much and not enough #DownWithPatriarchy #downwithmisogyny #downwithoppression #upwithincludingHER, too

30 years after the fact... I'm angry with my Mom for giving up on my Dad (recently deceased), and taking the advice of a manipulative, selfish 16 year old (me), to leave him and get a divorce, then remarrying 10 years later, to a man who, even now, doesn't consider me family.

The mother also needs to be able to say what she can and cannot DO. Many , if not all the womyn in my generation group DON'T And are deeply programmed to NOT At her expense. Yet, instead of reaching for understanding and a win-win We frame it " mom, it wont work for me for you to come live with me" In a system that TOOK away HER right to create wealth and security Put HER in a home..not with family...because it is "hard" This is all messed up. My goodness, the layers of oppression just keep on punching down on HER. LOVE reaches LOVE includes LOVE works things out Even in nature you see gaggles, and heards Horses support each other A tribe in South Africa...of womyn..set up their own village to support only womyn. They understood patriarchy, misogyny, oppression. They understood SHE had suffered ENOUGH and needed a tribe, security, safety, support, food etc. They were of all ages and stages They reached to support each other Not be another person to abandon her and refect unworth. Yup, it is a challenge for them Of course Just as it was a huge challenge for mom to raise children in patriarchy Many rose to the occasion Oppression is damaging Life threatening Our nature needs to reflect worth, to matter , to thrive. Fail- to -thrive babies, show us this The parent is emotional gone, and can't refect worth to the baby It dies slowly from not mattering Stops eating Patriarchy has reflected this brushing womyn aside - not being of value. Not mattering. Only using them when they can give something like sex or service Compromising her security ugh Oh, the layers of patriarchy that keep hammering HER And when HER body is now shutting down from age Wild!!! Sad

I'm the mother in my situation. And if you asked my daughter I've been a terrible mean and vindictive mother. But that was never my intention and I feel so lost as to where to go from here. My daughter views me in an absolutely terrible light. Says I want to be her friend and not her mother and that we don't even have a mother daughter type of relationship because I want to be her friend.. and while I'd agree I that we are friendly. So are my mother and I and we have always leaned on each other. Something my daughter quite clearly rejects. I wish I could say I'm going to send this to her and try to work on things, but I think she will just reject me. It feels like she wants to reject me no matter what. I do get angry and I do slam things down and slam doors and maybe even accidentally break things but those moments are usually in very heated situations and I think I do those things to assert myself and maybe even try to display some sort of dominance. It's not something that is thought out or intentional. I've just been thinking about all the whys lately. And she's a mom now too and she counts on me for far more than I think she should. I'm going through a lot emotionally myself as I walk my own journey. And the pressure of being as involved daily is a lot. And I find myself crying myself to sleep most nights. I've been a single mother most of my children's lives and we did leave a very toxic and hostile if not violent relationship with her father. And I feel like she blames me a lot for that.. I'm just struggling to be a person in the world, and have any shred of confidence and her total disapproval of anything I say or do feels very much like a shunning from the only family I really have. And I feel very hurt and isolated. I don't really want to lose my daughter before I die.. and I don't want to lose contact with her boys who I babysit to some degree if not all day every day just because she's so mad at me. I wish I knew what a normal mother daughter relationship looked like so I could give it to her.. but I'm just me, that's all I can offer anyone.. but I'll love her until I die.. 💔

My mother is not a narcissist, in fact, she suffers from low self-esteem to this day at the age of 78 (I am 44). My mother hit me twice in my life, once when I was 5 years old and I cut myself with my father's razor and another time when I smoked marijuana at 14 years old and she beat me with a belt until I drew blood. of my thighs, I was covered in bruises and very traumatized, as it was not customary to be violent even with me and my brothers (me being the middle child) while screaming madly that I was going to be admitted to a rehabilitation clinic for drug addicts and calling me a prostitute, said I was going to start prostituting myself to get drugs (I swear I just used sex, but she was terrified of the possibility of me becoming a drug addict and nowadays I understand her fear, but I can't forgive her violent reaction and words) offended me with the dirtiest names imaginable and I spent a year without receiving money from my parents for anything, as I never bought drugs in my life, I just smoked marijuana with friends at school, they took it, not me. Other times as a child, she screamed that she hated me, while arguing with my drunken father (deep down with hatred for her own choice of husband) and when I was 21 years old, she threw me out of the house because I complained that She dirty the kitchen floor that I had cleaned, like I used to do every day to clean up my father's mess. My father: lawyer, blind, alcoholic, cheated on my mother even though he was blind (a very handsome and inteligent man who became completely blind due to a surgical error) with many women. My mother: bitter, smoker, civil servant in a school office, worked 8 hours a day; We had a comfortable material life and my mother was not physically affectionate, we only touched each other on Mother's Day, mine and her birthday and Christmas and New Year. I'm talking about actually touching it, with your hands. She doesn't touch any of her children!!!!! She's cold, but she's generally kind to everyone, the strangest person I know. I think she was beaten a lot in her childhood... so I try to understand and forgive her. I am from Brazil... Thank you for this video e for whomever read my comment until here! I hope you (we) all heal from our traumas! 💖

It's difficult being one of two daughters and having a mother who treats us very different. I love my mother but I can't forgive her for buying a summerhouse to my sister and leave me with nothing. Especially since I am the one who cares about showing my mother love by being with her on Christmas and mothers day, which my sister would never.

My mother has a son who came first. Then 2 years later came twin daughters. Four years later I was brought in to the family. My mother, I saw that changed , I understand life. She wasn't a bad mom. But when years went on. My brother was to being out father . when my father couldn't be there. He was a firefighter. He was gone every other day and night, Scott had to be the man of the house, I'm the youngest and I offen thought why are you sitting in my father's chair.

my mom is my biggest hater, she's constantly made me feel like shit, she picks apart my appearance, criticizes what I wear, criticizes what I eat...how is she not tired of being that way.

I see too many women, adult women blaming their mothers for all sorts of things. They accuse their mother of being narsasitic but it seems therapists are creating these victims of their mothers. As an adult its time to forgive, let it go and move on. Stop blaming your mother for issues you have as an adult. Take responsibility for your own emotional health and stop blaming her. She did the best she could Even if she was a drug addict, she did the best she could. I mean look at Tupac, he wrote a song about his crackhead mom. Respect to all Moms out there. I know it may be hard to believe but some daughters are impossible to raise well cause girls are Hard!. My boy was a pleasure to raise My daughter, a living hell. So dont assume all bratty daughters have a narsasitic hateful mom🙂

I really enjoyed this. I'm a little disappointed however that the burden of responsibility lies heavily on the daughter to do the work.

I have also noticed that most , if not all examples,, are about the adult daughter not getting the proper response and treated "badly" here. Do you see the one sidedness of this? Do you notice that we leave out what the Mother examples of going to adult children and being met with insensitivity, demands, attacks etc ? How do womyn have ANY chance in this system to be seen as humans and met with humanity ?

Why everyone assume if your child has not contact with the mother she must done something or abuse their children. Let me be clear abuse children it’s a crime, if your mother said you have to be home at 10 that’s not abuse. So all the people that accused others of abuse should be proof in a court of law. If you accused someone of stolen jewelry it has to be evidence. Most people generalize the expression of being abused it’s a big bucket in which everything falls. We live in a narcissist society in which blaming others for ours mistakes it’s becoming a norm. Deep down you feel inappropriate, not fulfill life. I recommend you to try to be the best you can be in life, to be compassionate and generous. To take care of you and build that person that you wish to be and not the looser and victim that you are becoming. Then and only then you realize that people are good and nobody it’s up to get you. Stop seeing yourself like a victim, you are not.

Our daughter won't speak to either of us. I have offered to pay for therapy. My offer was rejected.

Here is the Development and Evaluation of the Adult Daughter-Mother Relationship Questionnaire (ADMRQ) NOTICE how one sided this is! And it is focused on the MOTHER...father get's a PASS, once again. ugh. NOTICE how the adult children get a pass. NOTICE how patriarchy/misogyny/oppression once again shows up , even in psychology, even in the leaders in the field that we go to for understanding and help. NOTICE how deep this goes, and how hopeless it can feel in something as IMPORTANT as a healthy mother and adult children relationship. NOTICE that this IS what is causing this disconnection and discourse. The FILTER is warped. M is for MOTHER See the MOTHER is being evaluated. Why? She must be the ONLY PROBLEM, right? NO Change D for Daughter or S for Son Because Mother's also struggle deeply in these relationships. Of course they do. They are just supposed to put up and shut up. Be caregivers, not care receivers. Mothers/womyn are to be self sacrificing and self-less. Put others first. Don't make others uncomfortable by bringing up HER needs, wants, hurts, anger, frustration, dreams. And isn't it INTERESTING that these VERY same things Adult children are complaining about in HER are what was IMPOSED, PROGRAMMED, DEMANDED ,THREATENED in HER to DO !!!! Can we say "scapegoat" ? Yes, we can. Because womyn are the scapegoats in patriarchy for MEN to MATTER. SHOCKING!!!! But I have studied this long enough to understand it. It is SAD...deeply sad, because it is damaging deeply important relationships.

My daughter 20 yo has been verbally abusing to me (I am 60 years old) for past 2-3 yrs.😪 I have been an excellent mother. She will explode like a boom and I am tired. My why to deal with this now is to tell her I will go my way. I am very sad. 😪

🙏👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿🙏

You can know the history and still be hurt, which interferes with the relationship

Kind of gaslighty if your mom is an actual narcissist. Not every bad behavior can be blamed on the patriarchy.

zero interest in having that cruel, abusive, vile narcissist in my life ever again.

After looking at this list MORE, it shows the misogyny we have lived in and how it is damaging humans and relationships; important relationships. This list was done by a professional in the psychology field, that had been in the field for a LONG TIME. When one looks at this LIST, that is filled out to help understand the challenges the Therapist faces when a Mother and her Adult Daughter comes in for help, this list shows something I deeply doubt is "explained" to help BOTH understand part of the ROOT of the disconnection they are feeling and struggling with. Nature vs Nurture OR Nature AND Nurture, would be more accurate. A lion/lioness learns to BE a lion /lioness by BEING with and LIVING with their "parents" or "parent". EACH generation of lion/lioness's learn to BE who they are from the generation before them, in MANY DEEP ways. The MOST "learning", humans have is in the first 3 years of life. IF we know this, as professionals in the field, or even human beings knowing this, we can look at this list below and SEE that OF COURSE a child WILL be 'deeply' influenced by their parent (in this case the MOTHER IS TARGETED and "blamed"...filter of 'blame'...focus on what is 'wrong") Thus, knowing we ALL learn, like any animal, in any family, from the parent/parents, then OF course we are DEEPLY influenced by our parent/parents. The NEXT 'logical" step to take in understanding why Adult Daughters ( or son's) struggle with things on THIS list, that are deemed important to question....and if scores are not IDEAL...for that Adult Child and how they "want to be" as a grown person, or the quality of the relationship between parent ( in this case the TARGETED MOTHER) and adult children is to look at the SYSTEM we LIVE in that has done these things to WOMYN. NOT looking at the "product" of the system for "blame" or even answers that will have IMPACT or the really important connector which is" understanding". That this IS NOT FRONT and CENTER in this....does a HUGE disservice to MOTHERs....WOMYN...and Adult Children and their deeply important relationship with parent/parents....and finding ANY PATH to connection, health or healing. And this is from a LEADER in the field of Psychology , a field that was born in this SAME SYSTEM. It is the SYSTEM that is causing these damages...and yet, when patriarchy/misogyny/oppression is brought up...PEOPLE RISE UP in ANGER and OUTRAGE to shut this discussion DOWN. People RAISED and PROGRAMMED in this system of patriarchy are the ones that rise up to defend it, making shifting out of the actual "problem" mired in muck. This is cult behaviour. So damaging to humans and relationships. KNOWING is the FIRST STEP OUT. Love & Light & Reaching to shift out of this old system.

This story of the mom coming with complaints of her father..triangle, as it is framed . Speaks to her mom living in patriarchy and the lack of understanding of the deep programming AND the well documented fear of being beaten, raped and killed for womyn speaking up to their husbands Leaving HER once again to be blamed for reaching to alleviate oppression and the need for support, from someone she can trust. Expecting HER to go to someone else who may NOT have power or skill for help Outside family Slaves had each other to share their oppression with and get support My goodness... The abanondment and expectations put on this mother are punshing to hear. These filters and frames miss the mark for HER and humanity, but of course We are marinated in patriarchy . And Some points were jewels That is how we shift out One piece of the puzzle Added to another , by another , who has revealed that other part And always, on the backs of womyn..ugh SHE pays the price for reaching for equality Of course, the daughter COULD HAVE chosen the path of Standing with her mom... and bringing in education around patriarchy and misigyny to the dad...a united front...to help the FAMILY shift We get sick in family We heal in family Of course Never is the dad /man expected to be addressed together or go to counseling Yet, as Dr Jackson Katz lays out, it is the MEN that is needed to step up to make this shift out of patriarchy They have the POWER and privilege and NOT expected to do the work or take accountability for the oppression they weild. Yet, we hammer HER at every stage Expect HER to keep doing the heavy lifting in a world not built for HER Dr Valerie Rein.. Patriarchy Stress Disorder... revealed in her studies: It is not HER!!!!!! It is the system. But we keep on SCAPEGOATING HER. PATRIARCHY requires it It is the only safe path for us, to: blame HER Frame HER Filter HER through that old lens that has her do the work Pay the price Or else Break from her Which IS abanonment Rejection Blackmail We just say it in a way that gaslights this choice So we feel "better" At her expense She can't jump out of programming easily, especially in her elder years She can take steps...when supported.

Yes I feel angry at my mother, but it was not her fault she was co-dependent. So then do I blame my father? How about Mom's mother? No, not her mother's fault, how about her mother's mother? And on it goes. So I can't be angry at my Mom for her failings.

Why not go to therapy and Jesus?! Prayer and worship has helped me; therapy and medication for depression has helped me. When I have met Christians that demean therapy and medication , I distance from them bc they have never suffered from a mental illness. All of my wonderful, loving pastors have encouraged me to go to the Dr for my brain issues. They have said it’s no different from going to the doctor if I were diabetic. Those kind of Christians that do not understand mental illness are very simplistic about life and I often wonder what they will do when they get Parkinson’s or some other brain illness. God has blessed us with good doctors!!! Use them!!! Btw, my husband is a doctor! These types of Christians are very scary to me!!

To the interviewer, learn to listen, heather at the beginning said there are few steps to take at the very beginning and you instead of saying "what are the steps" you came with your own blabla and took the conversation in other direction.

I never treated my mother disrespect her. My mother is my rock and we always had a great mother daughter relateship

What about ADULT daughters wanting wanting their mothers to be the kind of mother THEY envision them to be? Some times having unrealistic expectations of their mothers 👁️

My teen hates me. It’s awful.

It sounds like Harriet Lerner expects the daughter to be the mother.

This does not apply to real NMs.

Once i heard patriachy i had to skip.

That will not work with some mothers.

Im to the point i hate my daughter an she hates me i dont want nothing to do with her ive tired for years an tolerated her bull shit I feel relieved that I don't even consider her my child any longer she looks at the family she was born into and hates not only me but all of us

Children learn what they live. My adult children (2)grew seeing their father abuse and belittle me. They grew up to do the same. I told them I would tolerate their abuse and walked away. They live near me me, but I have had no relationship with them for twenty years. Never will.

The interviewer makes creepy noises while Ms.lerner speaks.

Lowkey I wish we could only listen to the actual therapist. The young chick sounds like she doesn’t even pay attention when the actual therapist is talking. So annoying

It is not hard to be a mother, it's not hard to love your daughter. This video gives bad people excuses. to act badly.

It is important that adult children speak their truths...and say what they think and feel, and see things differently And It is equally important mothers DO THE SAME and are allowed, supported, and not attacked Again, SHE is left out Girls lose their authentic voice by 11 because of-The SYSTEM of patriarchy!!!! Mom lost her authentic voice also at 11 Right!! The layers of patriarchy run deep. BOTH, ALL sides need to be ALLOWED. She, mom, has NOT been allowed for decades and generation's She WILL NEED to actually use texting and voice message to do it-Because of the many traumas she has endured in her life when she tried. Face to face is too much. Baby steps are needed. The body language and safety issues are some of the reasons, And That she would struggle deeply to say it to her beloved children It would be too triggering Plus, she would need practice. She won't get it right/perfect Because of these layers And no path As we see here, too We are ALL just learning to break this oppressive programming in our system of thousands of years

My daughter is emotionally abuse and blames everyone else for her behavior. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her. I am just a terrible person. My daughter believes that she is entitled to treat me and our family is toxic. She is lies even when sh dosn't have to. She goes to our friends and tells them unhurried do I look back to everyone in my life. I finally had to detach my emotion from blaming myself and can to terms that I no longer care what she wants to believe in the world she jas dedicated to live in her life. I can fix her and tried so hard to make her life Good and always supported her with her dreams. I am confused because she lives n another version of the our family. She has never been accountable for her actions. I tried everything counseling she refused to to to be responsible for anything. She was jealous of her baby brother and would bet up any girlfriend just because she could. Started abusing drugs at 12 years old. I can't have a relationship with her, because I believe that she could take my life