Normal relationships vs. narcissistic relationships 

In a narcissistic relationship... Narc never leaves ur brain..they are always there making you worried angry, ovethinking,restless..!!

Narcissistic relationship : walking on eggshells, passive aggressive communication or very little communication, a sense of no real connection, the anxiety YOU a feel, the feeling something is very ‘off’ with the narcissistic partner, cheating, lying. You respect and love them , but you feel they don’t respect or really love you. They aren’t interested in your emotional issues, you need to deal with them yourself, weaponised switching off, weaponised silence, anti-harmony behaviours. Their needs keep getting put to the top of the list, endless compromise on your side, begrudgingly on theirs. The never ending second guessing yourself. That was the biggest sign for me. I was constantly second guessing my own responses to him due to his behaviour Healthy - genuine respect, genuine care, the ability to sort out disagreements to a conclusion, the way you feel within the relationship, not anxious all the time or scared. They’ll generally be there for you if you become sick or in need. This healthier relationship can feel dull sometimes if you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship, but it’s healthy, it’s solid and it’s real.

Living with a narcissist is like having a live in stalker; one minute they are obsessed with you (love bombing) and the next minute they want to destroy you (invalidate and discard).

Normal doesn't INTENTIONALLY harm. Even my animals know this!

I have a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I suspect a sibling. One of the most difficult things I have had issues with is setting boundaries. I literally feel guilty when doing so and I know this is not normal. My mother didn't respect my boundaries growing up nor as an adult. This is not okay. I'm 40, and I reflected on different relationships and realize I attracted people with NPD in part due to not setting clear boundaries.I would let people walk all over me. I don't do this anymore. I refuse to entertain narcissists. It took time for me to recognize this pattern in my relationships. I also try to recognize when I am crossing a boundary with others, will apologize and make a conscious effort not to repeat the same offense. I have amazing relationships in my life now and it's a true blessing. I had to do a ton of work to understand why I allowed ppl to disrespect me as a grown adult. I realize now that I was conditioned to believe that my boundaries were not valid and that is not a way to live.

One filled with anxiety accusations and loneliness One filled with love support and teamwork.

I feel the main difference between the two is that one has forward movement (improvements, leveling up, solution to issues, progress…) and the other is stuck indefinitely. No issue is ever resolved, the relationship doesn’t go anywhere, any disagreement will remain as such and nothing ever improves.. you might think for a second that something has changed but you eventually discover that nothing changed at all. There’s never any forward movement in an unhealthy relationship. It’s an endless cycle of constant misery full of illusions.

I just want to live my life in peace. The mental gymnastics have aged me beyond my actual years. I’ve learned to love myself and learned my self worth. Forgiving myself and relearning who Iam. Maybe one day but I’m not ready anytime soon

I’m so relieved that I made the decision to NOT stay in a codependent relationship with a narcissist. First, I had to heal and deal with myself and what was keeping there for 8 years. After that arduous work- it was a no-brainer. You helped me along the way Dr. Ramini and I thank you, humbly.

After a narcissist I realize how normal my previous relationships were. Even though I got hurt and sometimes hurt really bad. It was mostly stable. There were communication and disagreement even fights. I was never really anxious or extremely insecure. Now I've seen both sides I think I've gained some tools to make relationships healthier and will never be invalidated, gaslighted or manipulated again. These tricks will never silence me again.

I have no clue 🤦‍♀️ Jumped straight from a narcissistic mother to a narcissistic husband for 24 years (left him a few months ago). I have had to ask friends what is normal 🤷‍♀️

Normal is “boring” to someone who comes from a narcissistic relationship. It takes time to settle into this new “normal”, and you question yourself a lot. I found it helpful to look at the actions of my partner over time. Does he do what he says, how does he behave in stressful situations, is there gaslighting, does he blow up at me over nothing, etc. When you come from a stormy sea it’s normal to feel unsettled by calm waters.

I have a narcissistic parent, so when I started dating in high school, I unconsciously looked for what I was used to, and I was stuck dating a narcissist for almost 4 YEARS. And the idea that having a "normal" relationship after that feels like home, and that part is SO TRUE. My current partner and I have been together for 7 years now, and we've NEVER had the kinds of arguments my Ex and I would have...

Loving, compromiseable, supportive, dependable, protective, agreeing 2 disagree, tolerant, trustworthy, respectful. A beautiful difference from an abusive relationship.

I don't know what a 'normal' relationship looks like. When my mother got angry she invariably threatened to send me away. Arguing meant a catastrophic pending change. I was perpetually afraid. She was the most toxic person I've ever known. Sadly, I learned manipulation, too. I had to completely disconnect in order to unlearn these behaviors. I still feel broken but I love leading a NO drama life!

They struggled with regulating, would self-harm/threaten to unalive themself. I don't want a perfect relationship, just a progressing one. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤️

The sad part is all that “normal” relationship stuff that people argue about, my ex partner would say it’s a dealbreaker for him. He wanted to always be happy and I could never communicate any issues because I was “nagging” him or wanting to “control” him… there could never be any downs in our relationship without him wanting to leave, break up, physically, mentally or emotionally abuse me etc. It could never be a normal conversation about things without him wanting to defend, deflect, gaslight or make excuses for himself. To which I told him that’s not what communication is about, it’s about taking accountability and trying making change moving forward. But it’d end in “you’re right, I’m wrong right ? You’re just the better person and I’m just a shitty horrible partner, so why are you with me then ??” Like you know what 🤦🏻‍♀️… this is stressful and exhausting !!!

this almost made me cry, when you mentioned a normal relationship can feel like coming home to a dream. It reminded of so may times I was on the way home feeling so bad because I did not want to come home to a narcisistic husband because I knew it is a nightmare

Thank you Dr Ramani 😊 " normal is just a cycle on the washing machine "😁 narc relationships stay broke and stuck on spin cycle. Lol 😃 we love you Dr Ramani You are such a blessing to us!😊💗

This reminds me when my therapist, during a session, asked me what does love look like and I burst into tears.

Finally, what a normal healthy relationship looks like. Thank you.

In a normal relationship both people respect each other and want to know what the other person thinks about things. They support each other. They are partners who work together on common goals. They do have disagreements sometimes and when they do, they talk through them to gain understanding and find a resolution that both can live with.

After the terror that I endured from my narcissist ex husband, I finally found a wonderful guy that is helping me accomplish my deep desire to live my life - cook foods I like, build my business, grow a garden, help my kids grow up and be mentally strong, and be creative in my personal time.

After getting out of a marriage with a narcissist I was asked by a friend if I missed being married. I told him that I missed what it could have been, not what it was.

Unfortunately I have never been in a healthy normal marriage with neither abusive narcissistic husbands! And still in my second marriage of 37 yrs with a 70 yr old narcissistic husband getting worse of course as he ages but I am doing more and more things outside our home with family and women friends and therapy and have grown much closer in my walk with Jesus. Thank you Dr Ramani for your extremely helpful videos💜

I've yet to have a normal relationship.

You are so blessedly articulate and clear! You take the tangled ball of yarn that is a narcissistic relationship and iron it out and clarify it piece by piece. it is so enormously helpful... Thank you!

Very insane how we will normalize chaos then when peace comes it feels “boring” 🤦🏾‍♂️

It’s touching to feel a deep comfort between these two mythical people in the normal relationship as you describe ❤

The emotional regulation part is what helped me realize my ex was a narc. He would say “you make me so angry” and then slam doors and break objects in the apartment.

I am struggling with setting boundaries. The main reason is that I don't feel deserve to set the boundary because it was violated, mocked, ignored every time I tried as a child.

I recognized “normal” relationships when I was young because they were so different than the way I was raised. I was never allowed to have my own opinion especially if it didn’t follow the “company” line. My friends were much more open and didn’t get into trouble for expressing their opinions. I fantasize about having a normal, stable relationship with someone but I know I never will.

Dr ramani I did it I served my narc divorce papers last week 🎉

My late husband of a 34 year marriage and I had our share of challenges...big ones...but one thing I so appreciated about him was the way he would gently point out some of my deficiencies with humor and affection. Made me want to work on correcting them. As I mentioned, we had our share of "stuff," but I don't think we ever hit each other below the belt. This helped us stay together through some hard times.

Discovered Ramani while I was in a narcissistic relationship Listening it now in a healthy relationship ! ❤

Both myself and my partner came from abusive households. He internalizes a lot, while I am more external in my expression. I'm glad that we have been able to work on our relationship together, find balance, and have managed to last 12 years; we first dated when I was only a freshman in high school and he was a senior. ♡♡ It's been an interesting journey, and I'm hopeful for more growth and fulfillment in the future.

I’ve learned to enjoy and value how alone I am. At least I can enjoy a TV show or meal without the constant negative input. As the years go on, I am alone a lot. This is the only way I have survived. Sometimes a person can’t just leave the marriage but learns to survive in it.

My husband. Many years I stayed because I didn’t want the fight I was going to have. This lady and a couple others have helped me so much. When I hear them all say go no contact because you have to in order to keep yourself, they helped to give me the strength. And they are so spot on about that. And to describe narcissists, Omgosh, I couldn’t believe the things I would hear. It’s as if these people were describing only him. So spot on. I’m so thankful for this lady snd couple others. They are giving me the strength, wisdom and courage to do what I’ve put off doing for 30 years. 🥰🥰🥰

16 years deep here, it just so baffles me the sheer nastiness that they can deliver. The love they proclaim to have, yet EVERY DAMN conversation leads to character assignation, hearing EVERY DAMN annoyance mine has. I would love a relationship where sex is not so damn annoying, that he would respect I am tired and don't want to engage in sex. As many others, I don't know what a normal relationship is. But I'm going try and find out!

I'm so grateful that I had went no contact with my narcissistic family even though it was very difficult and painful to do so. I have been so fortunate to have a healthy (not perfect) marriage of 34 years this Saturday. We both are works in progress but have chosen to not make the same mistakes our family members did -alcohol, drugs, etc.. We have grown to understand that it takes work to making a loving and healthy relationship. Growing up, I would wonder and ask what is "normal". Dr. Ramani, I know I have stated this before but, thank YOU for posting these videos. I don't know if you realize how much you bless us. You are answering so many questions I never knew I would get the answers to. You are so helpful in my healing journey. God bless you and I will continue to pray for you. With all my heart....thank you, dear.

"Mental exploration isn't betrayal" is so important to remember, especially for mixed-orientation relationships

I love the metaphor of the normal meal and the narcissistic meal. It's very difficult, when you're in it, to sort out the difference between a normal amount of unhealthiness or mess and when it's tipped into the dysfunctional and extreme.

Thank you for being you, Dr. Ramani ❤️ your support for us means everything ❤️

A video on “A normal ex spouse vs a narcissistic ex spouse” would be a good one for many people. I spent a long long time trying to explain this to my husband when he/we were having to deal with his narc ex wife whom they shared child with. I for one have an ex husband as well whom we shared two children with. I was a “normal” ex wife. I worked with him and we came together when it came to the kids and no more. My husband’s ex wife would threaten him, try to control him through their kids, played games with us, guilted us, poisoned her kids minds with lies…..I could go on and on. But that’s “Not Normal”. So a comparison video of that would be so helpful to those going through this. Thanks Dr R.

It's nice to remember that rejecting the toxic relationships we had doesn't mean we have to succumb to twice shy toxic perfectionism.

You are very correct. It is very hard to know what normal is when all one has known is abnormal. Ty for posting.

Thank you!!! This was wonderful. Sometimes those of us who have been in a narcissistic relationship for so long lose track of what a normal relationship is. This is so good to hear, and makes me hopeful for having a normal marriage at some point

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." ~Russell M. Nelson Thank you, Dr. Ramani!

This was incredible Dr Ramani!!! Thank you so very much!! Extremely helpful and encouraging!! After my divorce I remember Googling what does a gentleman look like?? I had no idea!! Bless you!!

You have no idea how much I needed to hear this.

Thank you dr Ramani, you literally saved my life 2 years ago.

I LOVE the Food Analogy!!! Healthy versus unhealthy food. this really makes you visualize 😀

Normal relationship: it doesn’t hurt that much…not even when we fight! Narc relationship: it hurts a lot even if you try everything to avoid fighting Never again!!

I have never lived in a normal relationship because with my family it was hell and I am single, so this video it's very useful. Thanks a lot

Thank you each morning for your expertise, Dr. Ramani. Without love and laughter there is no joy, live amid love and laughter. That is why I start my day with you to remind me , there are options living amongst narcissistic people. Thank you.❤️

You stated it perfectly with it's all in how these situations are handled. A good example with my ex was, she would leave dishes in the sink every morning. I asked can she go ahead and wash these dishes and she would always state that she never had time but yet would spend 15min sitting on her phone scrolling social media (not the issue, the issue being she clearly had the time). So after a while of me constantly doing her dishes when I got home from work, I tried to compromise with can you just not leave water in them as that's what smelled when I got home from them sitting all day. Instead of "ok I'll work on that" or "that doesn't work for me how about xyz compromise instead" she attacked me about the 1 time I left a dish in the sink or about well you don't do this or that. I tried compromise after compromise with just this one thing alone and got the same result/reaction every time. This happened with multiple other things in our relationship, basically everything had to be her way and there was no compromising or anything of that nature to suggest a partner willing to help the other from her side.

I know with my brain how a normal relationship should be. But after narc relationship I am just scared of most men.

Thank you Dr. Ramani for making the distinction.

This really resonates and reminds me of my former employer. This workplace was so toxic, so exhausting and so dysfunctional, that out of a staff of 7 people, there has been a revolving door of 7 employees leaving in the past year!! In other words, the ENTIRE staff walks out after 3, 4, or maybe 8 months! (I lasted 2 and a half years. Don't ask me how!) Whenever an employee dared to disagree with supervisors or if they tried to set healthy boundaries, they were belittled, insulted, mocked and shamed! We were expected to work non-stop, days, nights, weekends, sick days, holidays. Even when there were funerals or family emergencies! It did not matter to them! We were lied to about our job duties, our salary, our benefits etc. We had no recourse and no way to resolve issues. It wasn't until I resigned and began working somewhere else that I finally experience mutual respect, healthy boundaries, transparency, and appreciation for my hard work. Finally, that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, sleepless nights, and my never-ending worry about when and how I might be provoked or attacked...All of that finally subsiding!! I no longer feel the need to constantly say Thank you to people just for NOT treating me with hostility. I no longer feel the need to apologize for my great work performance (which was never good enough for them.) It's a strange feeling of freedom and peace. My former colleagues are going through similar adjustments. Sometimes, you have no idea how awful and unacceptable a relationship is until you get away and experience something new and different!

I've had a friend since 4, and she has no room for anyone who doesn't agree with her opinion. She, at the least is truly agitated, too often in angry attack mode.

To discover what’s really going on takes too much effort (for most), and so we remain trapped. ❤❤❤

Another great "real" video. Love it!! Thanks Dr. Ramani. Sadly I have never experienced a "normal" relationship.

Thank you for this video!!! Do more like this! Very helpful! I thought my narc husband “telling me I can not rent a movie for $2.99 was normal” and getting the rage that I got for actually renting it was “normal” Thank you for this! I wish I could send it to him!

Excellent video, Dr. Ramani. Thank you. 😎

Thank you Dr Ramani. Your words resonate. I hope we, all of us, grow into believing it when something beautiful happens to us. And that there are no strings attached or underlying meanings or ill intentions. We deserve normal and beautiful, I hope we can embrace when that happens to us, and the hole where our hearts should be will be filled with a love that is pure and true.

One of your best videos so far. Very helpful. Thanks.

Thank you Dr. Ramani. Literally food for thought. I think in a normal relationship boundaries are respected

It is never too much to discuss this topic. Thank You Dr Ramani! 🧡🙌🙌

Dr Ramani this is definitely one of the best videos you have ever made! So helpful for us not only to heal but to still hope for the next relationship will be healthy and real! In a normal human being terms! Thanks a lot for all knowledge you share with us!! Ur biggest fan from Brazil! Renato

This is so helpful. Thanks for the reminders. I'd sure love to see a week dedicated to Empath exhaustion, education, healing and ways to stay out from under the covers when you're a magnet for these crafty soulsuckers.

I would add the 'molding of the other person to fit your worldview'. There doesn't even need to be a power imbalance for one person to submit and start adapting to the other, as narcissists will chip down your confidence over time, and subjecting to their rules is easier in the long-run than fighting all the time about things that seem pointless. Then, as the pointless things snowball, they come up to be huge parts of your personality and behaviors that are now adjusted to fit the other person. It's the human ability to change weaponized against you.

Brilliant, thanks Dr Ramani for the clarity because we do get lost...which way is up, which way is down!! 😚

I have no idea what a normal relationship looks like. Dr Ramani, this was so very helpful. Normal is not character assassination. "Can give feedback about an annoyance, and there's a good-faith attempt to address it."

Looking at your eyes, Doctor Ramani, I can tell you really believe this video. You might never see this comment, but thank you: I really needed this video in one of my moments of real weakness. It really saved my emotional hide.

You make “Normal” sound absolutely Blissful🌺🦋 Normal gets a bad reputation😉 ✌️💗🙏

Thank you for this-my partner and I are building a normal relationship after so many toxic ones, and we both look to that gold standard and see each other as real as we can. And this video brings a lot of confirmation to continuing the practice we are on….this is a beautiful contrast to the family relationships that I have that are still toxic and my Inner programming wants to revert….thank you ❤

In a world where toxicity is so apparent. Derived from insecurities, fears, weaknesses. I wish we all remember and stay true to our vision, character and competence, irregardless of the poison circulating around us, even if they seem so real, despite the possibly good naturedness of their intentions. Intention isn't enough if it meant the peril of another. I wish we thrive and ignite in flames, without unknowingly perpetuating toxicity. We are the stars among the universe, always will be, always have been.

Thank you Dr.Ramani.., not enough people watch your materials!!! It's sad!

Yes Dr. Ramani. Relationships are work; give and take... reaching understanding through compassion, and the attempt to understand the other person. Thankful to be still a part of the lives of people I can share compassion with. It took a while to get here- but it's worth the effort. What will tomorrow bring? It's up to ME! :D

Thank you for this ! As a young child it was the "normal" "functional" relationship with my maternal grandmother who provided a beautiful example of emotional regulation and respect. I don't want to think about the consequences absent this foundation.

Thank you for you insight and wisdom Dr Ramani

Sad to say I have never had a 'normal' relationship or normal person in my life.

This presentation was ONE of the best by Dr. Durvasula Ramini that I 've watched. It is on point with examples that match everyday living. My poor kids damaged growing up with their narcissistic mother. The healing has started, but it's a long road. Truly informative. THANK YOU ❤️. I also long for a normal relationship where I can share the ups and downs with my mate and yes having all of it, her body and soul with mine as one. It's nice to dream!😘

Dr Ramani, could you make a video that highlights normal family vs narcissistic families? Most of this video talks about normal relationships and very little about the narcissistic one in contrast. Can you make more family related videos with contrasting characteristics while redefining the narcissistic characteristics as if to drill people over and over again that it’s more about the pattern than the narratives, and what truth tellers or scapegoats with anger towards the narcissist is like when they decide to stand up for their boundaries? This is the core of mine and many families out there. I think videos that are more family/sibling/enabler defining woikd be great. Thank you so much for creating this channel. You are a life saver.

So happy you're spreading the word . My mom made me annoyed /angry afterwards i felt bad and i love her so i apologized i love her and wouldn't changer her for the world

With my ex, there was always retaliation if things did not go the way they wanted. Sometimes the retaliation was immediate, sometimes they waited until I let my guard down. Literally, everything had to be done their way. Even the simple act of holding the TV remote in my hand could get them visibly upset or set them off.

Thank you so much 🙏. I love your descriptions 😅. In the past year I've made a genuinely great friend, she's authentic and is open and honest. And for the first time in my life I'm mature enough or wise enough to recognise it and appreciate it. Your videos are helping immensely with my learning process. Unfortunately, here in Australia, we have a lot of narcs too so it's difficult to navigate and find the healthy people. ✌️💙

My darling soon to be ex wife lives to watch Hallmark love movies! During a therapy session (before DR.R), she brought up the way the couples acted, I had to chuckle and said life is NOT a Hallmark movie! Even the therapist laughed. Heaven knows, she never acted that way!

I am listening to this every couple of days as a reminder. 😊❣

👍🏻🥰❤Awesome Dr. Ramani! Thank you & Bless you for these great reminders👍🏻🙏🏼💗💞⚘

This is really great, I realize it's basic stuff but it's not always said tbh

Dr Ramani: After YEARS of psychological/verbal abuse and gaslighting, my son cut off his sister and visa versa. In addition, she and I are cautiously cordial because of the grandchildren, yet, there is an underlying current of negativity. We've had issues for years, too, where I walked on eggshells, as did her brother. She has tons of flying monkeys, who adore her and think she's wonderful. Not behind closed doors with us, however! It's heartbreaking to have this fractured family, and, I am truly dreading the holidays this year as never before. Thank you for this channel. 🙏🏻

This is great advice for normal friendships too

Tx I always wondered what a normal relationship looks like...

You are amazing...My life is so much better with you in it. Thank you!

Fantastic video!!! It’s usually very obvious whether or not mutual respect and empathy exist in a relationship. Been in a number of normal relationships, and 1 narcissistic relationship. Night and day!!! As usual, the empath grants respect, but gets none. My narc truly did not have the capacity for this video to mean anything. To me it’s powerful. Yeah it’s the real world, won’t often be perfect. Mutual respect and empathy are the foundation, but also the bare minimum for a chance at normal/healthy.

I'm feeling that these are the Gospels from heaven's sake.

Such a great and important video. Thank you...

I had it all--both desire AND cherishing. Both Normal AND Healthy. It does exist and I refuse to settle for less ever again. I earned it.

Thank you for your wonderful content, Dr. I'm sure my mom was a Narcissist, it allowed me to settle for someone with even worse behavior, thinking I was leaving the worst behind. It took me years to feel worthy to leave, even longer to feel safe enough to leave. After numerous failed attempts, many years of abuse, I finally did it and never looked back. I had only the clothes on my back, not a dime in my pocket, but my feeling of freedom and determination, and knowing it was over was the best feeling I've ever felt.