Obsessing Over an Ex-Partner - Trauma Mind 

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RU-vid. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RU-vid. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

so true about waking up and only having a few seconds of peace before being bombarded with the rumination/obsession.

Who else couldnt pay attention to the video because our minds are preoccupied ?

Therefore the remarks of others " Aren't you over that yet?!" is the most cruel remark on earth!

Realized that my obsession is heavily based on a lifelong pattern of people hurting me but almost never showing any remorse or doing anything to make amends, leaving me to move on and forgive on my own over and over again. Not only that, but I've done all that I can to heal from these traumas so that I don't hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. I've reached this point where I'm tired of being the mature person, where I'm tired of carrying the weight of my healing, where I'm tired of going out of my way to ensure everyone else's happiness... I just want justice! I want reciprocation! I just want SOMEONE to reach out and say "I am so sorry I did that to you; I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to you." How can I heal from all that without receiving some sort of apology/reciprocation?

18:32 - "This is really not about the other person. This is about how I have a history of not having meaningful relationships, or I do not have relationships with people who offer a level of emotional engagement that I need to feel nourished in this world. To feel validated in this world. To feel affirmed and to feel loved." Memorizing!!!

In the past 6 months, there have been times when I honestly thought I was losing my mind. And I was the one who left him, who knew he was not the right one for me, and who refused to accept his disrespect. I put him on ice and immediately began to obsess about him. Over and over: the unspoken conversations, the things I wish I had told him, the fantasies of what could have been....I wanted the constant looping to quit so badly and I would literally scream at myself to STOP! Thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone.

I am just learning I have seperation anxiety from childhood trauma/neglect but I have experienced this in every single relationship and even though I'm a social worker I could not understand why I do this. Ive "waited" for exes to come back for years thinking of them daily, wasting years of my life. For example, I've done this for the past 8 months over a 2 month relationship. Prior to that I did this for over 2 years over a 6 month relationship. I've cried on too many occasions to even count because I didn't know what was wrong with me and it is mentally exhausting. I would just think "Im not like normal people. It takes me so long to recover from a broken heart" and this causes me to stay alone. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

He is spot on. This obsessing is like a love addiction. Im going through this now and it was only a two month relationship. Really crazy.

This belongs on national television.

my rumination isn't about "what is so-n-so doing" or the like. mine is "how could someone be with someone for 10 yrs and they not ever give a flying f%^& about u??" and coming to grips with that reality.

This is really not about the other person, this is about how I have a history of not having meaningful relationships or I do not have relationships with people who offer a level of emotional engagement that I need to feel nourished in this world, to feel validated in this world, to feel affirmed and to feel loved. I am crying so hard because this is so true. Thank you Alan for making me see.

This comment section gives me hope. Thought I was the only human to feel such disturbing thoughts that I feel embarassed to share. Thanks a ton ❤️❤️❤️

This is what I’m currently going through. I’m sooo mentally and emotionally exhausted. I wish I could stop thinking of my ex but I do no matter what I distract myself with. I feel like I’m just constantly sad. I just want a clear mind.

3.1 k people liked this video obviously in utter heartbreak. No wonder life is so hard. 😢

Was sitting enjoying a good time w friends, and there was a lull in the conversation, and my mind literally jumped back to my obsessing over my ex…I actually caught myself and all I could do was shake my head and wondered how much longer this nonsense would go on.

It’s also a constant jealousy for me. Constantly thinking about him being with other people and seeing him do so on social media.

The concept that the person is just a representation of love to the mind, is a really helpful point.

You just saved me thousands on a psychologist. I can not express how useful this information was to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I don’t even get ten seconds in the morning because she’s in my dreams every night

This explains so much why people keep getting pulled into toxic relationship cycles. It's not easy to just "leave them"... its deeper than that, its psychological but the everyday person is not able to realize that

I've been suffering from this for years. 6 years ago I was in a relationship with a person who broke it off with me and didn't give me a reason when I was going thru a divorce and it was horrifying and intense. I don't even think he's a good person but the symbol and representation of abandonment is so strong that I can't move forward. So I've been looping for years. I'd pay anyone to help me detach from this loop.

This is my daily life.. obsession over him in my mind. Its killing me emotionally. I'm miserable but I look just fine on the outside. I do this everytime a relationship ends. I'm so over struggling over people who don't give a f*** about if I'm even alive or not. It's so refreshing to find out I'm not alone.

I know this is because of my trauma. My parents used to neglect me and emotionally abuse me. My ex was the first person I could truly open up to about this and he was so supportive and loving, I felt like finally someone could understand the pain I’ve been through. He left me two weeks ago and I miss him so much. I feel like I lost my best friend, my lover, and he hit me where it hurt. Towards the end of my relationship he starting ignoring me and neglecting me: it hurts more than anything I’ve experienced in years.

I have an obsessive ex who is constantly acting on her obsessions. I’ve blocked her on 5 different numbers, 4 different emails, and she’s even sent me mail through postage. I’ve even changed jobs and moved out of town. It all seems bizarre but after watching your video I feel empathy and compassion for her. Im finally able to let go of the frustration and anger because now I can understand her a bit more. It seems like becoming aware of one’s own internal processies and finding a support group can lead them to a path of recovery. I’m glad there are videos and people like you who have the wisdom and expertise to help others. But I personally wouldn’t send her this kind of resource since I have to remain in the “no contact” zone. I’ve been going strong for 8 months and just praying she will one day be set free of her personal issues. For now I feel like I have to sleep with one eye open until she wakes up to reality. Stay positive and don’t give up on yourselves everyone. I do hope she gets better and for anyone struggling with this to heal too.

My new motto..... Ex-name is a symbol. It is not about him, but about me.

As soon as I wake up in the morning and doesn't even go to 10 seconds...feel it in my body as well. Like walking up into a nightmare. Horrible.

I think a lot of my obsessiveness was created because I made such a fool of myself during and especially after the breakup. My ego knew this and wanted so badly to correct the mistakes. So naturally I tried everything to get back with her, but it was too little, too late. The more she rejected me, the more I panicked. That panic then became my obsession. It's now been 3 1/2 years and sadly I'm still obsessed. I haven't spoken to her in a whole year and I imagine she's in another relationship. I've done pretty much everything in the book to let her go but my ego simply won't accept that she's gone. Just yesterday I threw away a sweater she had left at my house which was sitting tucked away in my drawer for all this time. That sweater was the only thing I had of hers so you better believe it meant a lot to me. It was so powerful that I couldn't even look at it. But I knew I had to throw it away. And so I decided that I had to. I literally reached for the sweater without even looking at it and placed it in a bag like a dead animal. I tied the bag and man-o-man, the trouble I had letting it go. But I eventually dumped it. Not that anything positive has happened I mean it's just a dumb, lifeless sweater but the meaning behind it really was significant. Anyway, I'm really struggling still and I know this on a concious level but I'm completely powerless. I pray to God almost everyday to give me a chance at life just one more time. 1 more time and I'll never, ever take advantage of a situation or an SO ever again. I just want to move past this because I deserve it. I've paid my dues. I feel I've paid my karmic debt. It's my turn at happiness. Please lord, Universe, whoever is listening, grant me this:)

"The brain perceives you're not loved. Your past recalls the absence & pack of connection." So very true and great break down

This is a deep video. My ex represented the love and acceptance that I longed and still long for.

The seconds of peace when you first wake up is SO true for me! I can be lying there perfectly peaceful and 100% relaxed and then I start thinking and its over.

I knew it couldn't be about him, because I really didn't know him. It felt familiar. Felt like home. The same emotional neglect I'd felt my entire life. I stopped seeing him, but could not stop thinking of him and longing for him.

My ex isn't right for me and my conscious knows this. My friends and family have asked me to write down what was so special about my ex and honestly the list is small so why am I struggling so badly with this breakup. I THINK after watching this video I may just be starting to get some answers. I had an awful childhood, full of neglect and when I was 18 I used to fantasise about my dream relationship. 2 years later, I met him but after 7 years, we split and even though it was for the best so we can both be happy, the looping is consuming my whole existence.

This made me cry. I thought I was insane. This helped me so very much. However, now that I know what’s really behind it, how do I heal that loop, that foundational trauma?

It is so exhausting when this happens. It then makes me mad that I can't stop. Thank you for talking about this.

Yes, this has happened to me too. My parents were very dysfunctional. I never had a loving experience particularly with my mother. I truly believe people can mess you up, especially parents. We long for love and acceptance. So so sad. It truly does drain you and steals all your energy.

You are an absolute genius, i'm embarrassed to say I've wasted literally years on this situation that was never even a relationship to begin with, I am a musician and have tried to channel it into my songs but I feel like enough is enough now. Thanks for giving us the tools to let go and validating our thought process's, it makes us feel less alone and less crazy.

I was told by a therapist, once, that my behavior was obsessive about my ex, I was like "obsessive? NO I AM NOT" after watching this I truly see that the therapist was right, of course she was but I was in denial. Thank you for making this video, I dont feel so alone right now. Maybe everything WILL be ok. Good luck to everyone in this struggle 😔

How do we ever manage to heal from attachment trauma? I mean, the need for love and connection never goes away! Yet the inability to show up in a healthy dynamic is repeated no matter what! Do I just have to spend the rest of my life alone in this pain? How can I ever attempt another relationship when all the others were so dysfunctional? And even though I know what's healthy and unhealthy, I still can't stop being unhealthy in my relationships. I grieve. I grieve my trauma. Still it takes over my life. Beginning to believe I am simply not capable of loving or being loved by another.

It gets better with time, also try to make some huge changes for your future and your present, try to leave your comfort zone, that helps building your self worth up. It is crazy how a breakup changes your perception of the person but don't fall for it, that is not the reality what your mind is portraying. Also what really helped me was hitting the gym frequently. Eventually you will find love again and your ex will become nothing more than an emotionless memory.

The therapy and self reflection Ive been able to achieve through this mans channel alone is more valuable than any self improvement or online therapy ive attempted. Its amazing how much improvement can be made once you realize “im not alone” and “theres a reason/clinical diagnosis for why my mind is this way”. Thank you.

The best way to let go is admit you lost to whatever or whoever and let go. And go look for someone who is available. Find happiness that way. I've had to do this big style in the last couple of years I lost everyone who mattered to me. But I'm rebuilding and making New connections friends, possible partners.

I'm just so glad to know I'm not going crazy! LoL! It's been a yr since me an my ex broke up an sometimes my mind get out of control but I can say since I gave my life to Jesus it's getting better an I this to shall pass! Be blessed my brother

Oh wow… out of thousands of videos on breakups, this one really hit home.

Sometimes it’s a word he/she said triggers this obsession. I was hanging out with a guy and he said something like “i wanna fall in love” implying that he was not in love with me. I obsessed over this sentence for weeks, even though i was not very fond of that guy. It obviously triggered a childhood trauma going back to the time when i felt abandoned by my family because they had to move to another city and i was left to the care of my grandparents for a year or so. It triggered the awful feelings of self-pity, insufficiency, being left out etc. This video is a great piece of work Doc, thank you indeed 🙏🏻

this is me for almost two years -constant grief over one man from the moment i wake up to the moment i sleep but as exhausting as it was and is I felt comforted i 'loved' him so hard

I have been utterly distraught and broken hearted about someone who was terribly for me. They were distant, manipulative and used my sensitive nature as a weapon against me. In the months we’ve been apart, despite knowing how dreadful she was for me, I’ve ached for her, more powerfully than anything I’ve ever known. I’ve had a notion that my dreadful relationship with my father, a cruel, unstable man, who died some 15 years ago, has been a catalyst to attachment disorder & low self esteem. You’ve crystallised everything for me, you can’t know what this means to me. Thank you so much

I just want it to end. Logically, I know i deserve better but, emotionally, I feel stuck. Just like you said. My brain is in a loop that I can't break free from. I know that I yearn connections and I latch on when I think I finally am heard and loved. My issue is, I can't break away when it becomes toxic. I really want to overcome this.

This is a brilliant explanation of why some of us badly struggle with letting go of the ex. I always thought it was a narcissistic trait in myself to think that I was finding it more difficult than some other people to move on but I am coming to understand there is a gaping attachment wound.

That awkward moment when your ex is named Steve... lol

God bless you. I have suffered from Obsession ever since my teenage years. This is the very first time someone sat down and explained to me what is actually happening and that I can do something zbout it.

18:33 “I have a history of not having meaningful relationships...” sometimes we go after relationships that feel like the ones which shaped us in our formative years. They offer bread crumbs. But we’re so hungry we’ll take them. Not realizing our brains have been hijacked in an intense addiction loop. The obsession is traumatic, too. What if the representation we are projecting is the unrequited love we are still searching for that we never received from our parents? And we still have relationships with them? 🤔

It took me 5yrs to get over a 3yr relationship....it was toxic but i was so in love. I still cant understand how it took that long to heal and that makes me afraid if i fall that hard again.

Wow! Thanks! I couldn't figure out why I kept thinking about him, even though it was LOGICALLY obvious that he was so, so wrong for me! Now I understand that he represented my unmet needs. That is such an eye opener!

Seriously.. this is the BEST THING I HAVE EVER WATCHED! Only yesterday I was raging about how I was sick to death of feeling mentally tortured & haunted by my ex 24/7 & then this morning, I come across this! So THANK YOU.. you now have a very appreciative fan!!

Just got this message basically from my counselor, and now I'm hearing it again. So good! It's not about the person I'm obsessing over, it's about my own felt need that image or name helps me access. My counselor said it's like watching a movie that makes you cry, it helps you access that emotion.

I love how much warmth and empathy there is in this explanation. I relate so heavily. It's very healing. From my own experience, I've seen so many "coaches" trying to fix "codependent" people, while implicitly (or explicitly) communicating contempt for these "codependent people" and their "weakness." It's no wonder these "broken codependent people" keep going back to their loops, because they aren't getting any empathy from other people in their lives. I don't even like 12 step programs for this reason, because the only way you can get the community connection of those groups is to be forced to focus on your brokenness and fixing yourself, which in the end, isn't really all that self compassionate. I don't need to be fixed, I'm not broken, I just need consistent love and connection.

This was extremely helpful, my obsession is not even somebody with whom I`ve had meaningful relationship and yet still after 8 months my brain loops in circles.

I found these videos just in time, never knew that my terrible pain and anxiety in relationships was due to attachment trauma. I just ended a relationship and I was almost suicidal...that pain was incredible..and didn't know where it comes and didn't had a logical answer. Even if I knew that was a toxic relationship and we didn't fit each other, it was impossible for me to end it because every time I was in contact with that person my pain vanish, like a drug..It has been two months since I somehow ended up..i still thinking at her and experience some sadness and pain but not at that intensity. Thank you so much for this video Sir, just subscribed, can't wait to see all of them.

For the first time in 7 years - FINALLY I have found someone who can put words to what i am experiencing!! THANKYOU!!!!

Ohhhh, you TOTALLY nailed it Alan. I mean you EXACTLY described how I have been feeling for the last 10 months. Yes, I realized that my ex represented that void in me I was trying so desperately to fill with her. I was sure I had found my soul mate. It was wonderfully utter bliss for awhile. Why did it have to come crashing down so suddenly? I am Sisyphus incarnate. I want to love intensely and be loved intensely. Life is short. Thank you for your insight, counsel and guidance Alan. Much health to you .

Alan, you have answered my tragedy. Thank you so, so, so, much! You are the best!! I wish you were local, I'd be your patient! I was an abused orphan/servant in my step father's home...cannot go into details, publicly. I thank you!!...you cannot begin to imagine.

I have been going through this for five years now and start losing hope that it'll end soon. it ruined my future in a way bc during crucial years of my life I've been merely functioning and not achieving. i wish my therapist would have put this issue on point like Alan did in the video. The realization that it is not about the other person creates a distance to them and i can breathe for a second. Just sharing this to show that this problem can not only go for weeks, months or over a year but easily even five years.

Thank you. I have gone through this every time I get out of a romantic relationship and it helps to feel validated.

This is so accurate to what I’m going through relentlessly for the past 7 months. Thanks for making this video. I do think I’ve made them the symbol of the acceptance and love that I always wanted and now feel I’ve lost (despite the fact that they didn’t treat me well) I also do think it really is about the deeper problem of my own history of feeling disconnected and lonely that I’ve struggled with for a long time.

This is so amazing. I’m mourning the loss of an abusive relationship and my ex is horrible to me. I couldn’t figure out why I was longing for him until right now. Thank you.

Thank you... going to memorize this. This explains this experience so well. It is an ongoing chatter. A death headache. It is exhausting. It is relentless. It’s a radio station you cannot turn off or a broken looping record. It is definitely an intrusion. I can put words to it now. The focus on the loss is because the mind is linking the symbol of other person to love, security, connection, validation, acceptance, reassurance, presence. The thought returning to him is the mind’s symbol for these feelings - like in a dream, the content is summarized in the symbol of the other person. The mind doesn’t communicate in words and language, but in images. Pull the projection of the feelings off the symbol, and focus on processing the profound grief of a life history of feeling disconnected and going without connection in life. It comes from a fundamental place of feeling disconnected. This is not about the other person - the symbol of other is a placeholder for this intense feeling of lack in life. The churn is due to the brain’s trauma from attachment wound perhaps since childhood and is about not having had relationships in my life that made me feel nourished, loved, validated, connected. Very well said.

Thank you. Now, whenever I think of him I imagine myself muting a radio. That helps. I hope this metaphor will help other people, too. You are not alone.

Thank you for this concept. I am stunned and have a name for what I've been going through for 3 years. You described it perfectly, especially the experience of waking and have only a few seconds reprieve. Thank you

Am struggling with the memory of my ex.. I wish I never meet him he hurt me vary badly but he was never sorry about it.. I hate the memory of him.. I know am not crazy but my heart want let go and I hate that too

Wow this is exactly what I;m going through. I have an attachment trauma from childhood- this feels so good to hear bc it makes sense that I would absolutely be like this based on my past. Thank you!!!! It makes it good to know it’s not about the other! It’s about the original wounds

I cant tell you how grateful I am for you just creating this video! This is the first video I have watched from your page and just half way into it, I m feeling quite a relief from the headache.

thank you Alan! This was right on point. You unwrapped what I am experiencing right now and makes me feel more at ease to know the reasons of my obsessing called 'attachment trauma'. I always thought that if my partner resembles a lot of my father's great qualities, then it is the best possible scenario! Instead I got deeper attached and created a 'placeholder' for love that was actually hard earned when I was a child. I am a coach myself who needs to show up balanced in her life in order to help others and be authentically there to serve. Your videos help me clear the chaos and gain back my energy, hope and power! Here is to recovery!

Wow! Just ran across this and it was a complete eye opener. Thank you. I needed to hear this.

There are soooo many videos/articles/blogs with hints and tips on how to stop thinking about your ex. But this one has been the best for me by a country mile. Thank you for cutting right into the fundamental reasons on why this happens. I feel like I can really start to do some good, solid baseline work on healing past trauma now. I already feel such relief.

So thankful for you and this incredible video! This is exactly what I’ve been going through for about 3 months during a slow breakup.This information is invaluable! You have just helped me separate it in a way that finally makes sense for me and hopefully will give me some relief! I see a therapist and he doesn’t even come close to helping me the way you do. I don’t think a typical therapist has the expertise in these areas to properly help clients. You really get to the root of the problem! I feel my mental health has been slowly unraveling from obsessive torture. Thank you Thank you Thank you!

Excellent video. I obsess over relationships in almost ever relationship ive had. Driving by their house, social media stalking, and who they're talking to. I need to listen to this video over and over.

Wow Alan you are a genius! This is so profound and well understood. So many people lack the ability to emotionally connect with someone. I will admit i have also been challenged by this to be vulnerable to someone else. I have a history of abandonment by people who i loved the most. It is such a difficult cycle to break that gets triggered by every person i come to admire walk away from my life. How do you have control over your mind? I think just by being more compassionate and loving to yourself you slowly break it. Thank you so much! This has been the most interesting and astonishing piece i have ever heard.

Thank you Alan. This is definitely me. Attachment trauma related to emotional abandonment. Looking for love in all the wrong places! Married to quell the loneliness and hoping for 'attachment' only to find my partner was an emotional avoidant. Now dIvorced after 21 years at the age of and looping, looping, looping, reliving arguments blah, blah, blah! Your videos are giving me an insight. I need to prioritise my healing work!

You are so spot-on, it’s scary. You are the best therapist on the internet.

I didn't hesitate to subscribe to your channel. The info you gave in this one video put so much of my life into perspective. At one point i even laughed at how on the nail you were because it made so much sense. Can't thank you enough. Peace

Thank you, Alan, for speaking so plainly and honoring the pain so succinctly.

Jesus, I've been looking for this kind of material for years! I've been in so many toxic relationships over the years... I can't sleep and I've been having so many thoughts related to my ex-boyfriend. I already suscribed to your channel and I'll watch your videos on a daily basis. What an incredible channel! Thank you so much!

This hit the nail on the head of what I am going through. Thank you so much.

When I'm trying to manifest restoration with relationships and this pops up on my youtube and you just answered questions I had since I was 10/11. Bruh. This hit me deep on so many levels. Thank you for your content

Thank you.. I've suffered with this.. and also had mental abuse from my parents as a child into adulthood. . And this transferred into emotional trauma just as you described it.. thanks so much. .

Thank you. I knew it wasn't about him as I didn't even really like him as a human, but the obsessive thinking about him and every detail of the relationship is now making sense. The idea that he is merely a symbol for unmet needs is very comforting and gives me something to work with. Thank you 💗

look how many people your brilliant insight, guidance, & compassion have helped. i’m surely one. your clarity is an unusual exception to the old problem that understanding doesn’t affect the psyche.

Absolutely brilliant , this is me down to a tee. It helps to know why and what is happening to me. I have been in this spiral again 14 months now after my partner of 5.5 years left me. She was not even a good, kind caring partner but I still have the intense longing to reconnect . Thank you for all you do.

So glad I found this video. I felt like no one understood how I’ve been stuck in the loop. I don’t have any childhood issues from my parents, but I believe feeling like an outsider at a private school as a child is the root of my problem. I never felt like I belonged, which turned into validation and self esteem issues. So relieving to see this video and know others deal with these issues as well.

This is ‘Hands Down’ one of the Best things I have stumbled upon. I have suffered this my entire life, and only becoming aware of it in my forties. Thank You so much for explaining it, and putting such an abstract fairly unconscious anxiety into a understandable conscious way. Now I can work on strategies to ‘Not Get On That Train’ of thought when triggered. So beyond helpful, I cannot tell you how much. Blessings.

Thank you so.much, is been few days since I watched your video and made a difference in my life. I stopped having that obsession thoughts or the need to look at his life , or waking up at night screaming for those thoughts to stop. I did , like you said I pull and realize wast not him is about me and work on myself and love me. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much Alan. I've been experiencing exactly what you've said in being obsessive over my ex girlfriend. Not one psychologist has explained this attachment injury ever to me in this detail etc as you've explained. Love and blessings ♥️

wow!!! this video is sooooo accurate and helpful. i am finally able to comprehend the underlying issues that i have. just wow! what an awakening. thank you!!

Relentless preoccupation is such a perfect explanation. Never had this issue before in my life but this separation has been the most difficult thing I've ever endured. I'm so exhausted and it makes me send endless msgs which pushes anyone away.

Wow. I’m stunned at all that was unpacked from just watching this video. As a future therapist, it bewildered me as to why I couldn’t stop myself and control my obsessive thinking. This video led to revelation on my familial dynamic that aligned with all of the illogical behavior that has played out in my partnerships. I’m so grateful for the awareness gained that will help in my healing.

Thank you so much for posting this. I am greatly struggling with my trauma, and have recently gone through a break-up. Thank you for reminding me that these thoughts are not crazy and there is something I can do.

This is the first video of yours I've watched. I'm so happy to have found you! I recently filed for divorce after 30 years with a verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic. I have obsessed about him while with him and even more so now that we are apart. It's torture. I've always said I was "ghost parented". Physical needs met but emotional needs totally ignored. I'm beginning to put it all together. I will definitely put your videos into my process of recovery!

You're the only RU-vidr that really understands. It's all-encompassing and ruins my ability to concentrate. You're right, it's that absent love and validation that I'm missing the most, not necessarily her, who drove me mad for so long. It'd so hard to switch off from it.

I am so glad I watched this video as I have been feeling so ashamed of the way my mind has been doing this regarding a recent ex who disrespected me so much but who I could not get out of my head. Thank you for explaining this. It makes a lot of sense alongside what I am already covering in therapy.