I appreciate these videos a lot, Jake! Thank you for being so open and honest. I can relate to the body image struggles. I think what helps me the most is trying my best to not rely on my own judgement, because I know my view of myself is flawed and inaccurate. I know I'm wrong about myself. I feel overweight and unattractive and all that, but I know people around me don't. I try my best to believe them and not myself. Good luck with the next group meeting!
Hi Jake, I'm Mike. I'm 39 and I suffer with weight/body image too. 1) I also like to bake, about once a week I set time aside to bake my fav. Ghirardelli choc. brownies and I share them or chop them up and put them in the freezer to save for later in individual bags. I also love WingStop boneless wings and Little Caesar's deep dish pizza a little too much and that has contributed to some weight gain. I'm around 180 and I'd like to get back to 150. 2) And don't forget that antidepressants also contribute to weight gain. 3) I have always picked at my hair also and so I keep my head shaved but that doesn't stop me from picking at other unnoticeable places. 4) You said, "I'm not overweight." Believe it and be satisfied with the progress you're making and be happy that you're trying to improve yourself. 5) My DBT skills workbook helps a lot with being more positive and accepting of my personal and emotional faults/issues without being too hard on myself. Watching your videos also helps. Thanks for being a good example. :-)
As a 44 year old woman who never got diagnosed and have no career, family or apartment of my own right now, I believe you’re in the perfect place to start on the healing journey from avpd. I would give anything to have discovered it at your age and taken the necessary steps to live a normal life. You seem like a genuinely kind, intelligent, good soul. Thank you sharing yourself!
I've been feeling horrible these days too, it's like I went back to that dark place again... life it's not always gonna be all good and the way we want to but it's important to keep in mind we can overcome this and better times will come later.
Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences. Life is definitely more of a roller coaster than a straight line. No one will judge you for having tough days. We enjoy hearing about your journey regardless!
The struggle with baked goods is a real one. Heh. I think you look like you are a healthy weight to me, but I get that you feel bad about it. I try to do things to work on self acceptance, that how I look doesn't define me. But it is hard. Society judges appearance a lot. Then i try to distance myself from thinking about my body image as much as possible. Also finding triggers that make it worse, helps too. My mother used to call me the word you used for yourself when I was a teenager. I don't think I was very overweight. But I felt bad for you, that you used such a word on yourself. Though I understand too. But just am sorry you are going through this and hoping you feel better soon. I think if you do improve but then think you should not speak on avpd cause you aren't 'suffering enough', it could be counter productive. I think it's good you found a way to speak about this and I appreciate your videos.
I'm so sorry your mother said that :( It's a horrible thing to say of someone regardless of their weight. My mental dialogue about myself tends to be as negative as it possibly can. I hope my use of that word didn't make you feel bad about yourself. Things like that can be triggering. I said it without thinking and immediately regretted it.
No it's definitely fine and wasn't triggering. Thanks.@@JakeAvPD I can handle any words I think as long as they are not directed at me, which seems unlikely. I just meant to say that I am feeling for you, and am sorry you are suffering.
Hi! I just found your channel. I got diagnosed with AvPD a few months ago and I struggled to find more information. Love your videos they make me feel seen. You are so brave for filming your thoughts I could never 😭
Thanks so much for sharing all of this with us so openly, Jake. :) This is seriously so courageous and I hugely appreciate your honesty. It's always good to hear from you. I'm happy that the group meeting has mostly gone well and I hope that now that you guys know each other, every next meeting will be easier. It makes sense though that people didn't talk much with each other but only to you. I guess it's hard to have a proper conversation involving everyone when you've got a bunch of socially anxious people. It's way easier to talk to one peep at a time, and still usually far from easy. And taking turns... that's a whole other thing. I'm so sorry you've been struggling more lately. People say that personality disorders are consistent, in that you don't really get remissions like you might with depression, or bipolar, or schizophrenia, but I think there still are times when we experience it with different severity and it affects us in different ways depending on various things. Like, one day you feel like shit and your brain is in pieces and you can't talk even to people like your family without cringing and self-loathing and generally feeling uncomfortable and like doing something nasty and very painful to yourself, and then another day you feel almost normal, have a good mood, anxiety is minimal and you start wondering whether you perhaps just made this whole "I have AVPD" thing up and tricked others into believing it about you. Even though you actually still have symptoms, but it's at a level you're used to and can handle if that makes sense. Until it hits you full force again. I call these worse times AVPD flare-ups for short. And as for body image stuff, I guess when you have AVPD, you could be the most attractive person in the world, or blind like me and never have to look at yourself in the mirror, and still have at least some body image issues. Rationally I guess I look quite average, I'm certainly not beautiful but I don't look extremely awful either, but I never really feel fully comfortable in my own skin, and when my brain goes into full on self-loathing mode, body image issues definitely follow. I'm not overweight either, in fact strictly speaking I'm a little underweight, but at the same time I'm quite curvy, and sometimes I just feel like I'm fat. And I can generally feel self-conscious about a whole lot of things in my appearance when I'm struggling overall. I've never struggled with hair pulling much, but my preferred self-disfiguring activity to destress has always been picking my lips, and it has also affected the way my lips look, so I definitely feel you there. It's definitely hard to reach out and connect to people when you're struggling, even if maybe theoretically you'd actually like to do it. So I think it's totally understandable that you don't feel like initiating contact with people. It's always the same with me. Do get some sleep if only you can, sometimes sleep can really change so, SO much in the way we think, or that's my experience at least. I do hope that it'll help you to feel better at least a little bit when you catch up on your sleep. :) Wow, that was quite a long comment, haha. But I hope it will make you feel a little better or less lonely or something.
Thank you, Emilia! :) Your kindness really means a lot to me. "You actually still have symptoms, but it's at a level you're used to and can handle" is such a great way of saying it. I have times that are much worse than others; it's just that the good times are still pretty dysfunctional, so it might not look like much of a difference to others. I think it's really awesome that you do have the consistent ability to write on your blog. Other than hopefully being helpful for you, it's really nice for me to "hear" from someone cool most every day, especially when I don't really feel up to actually reaching out/talking. I bet that's true for some of your other readers, too, so thanks. :) As someone who's been pretty bad at sleeping for most of their life, I wholeheartedly agree that it makes a pretty big difference. Early to bed again tonight and hopefully tomorrow is a better day. :) Thanks again, I really enjoy and appreciate hearing from you, and I can assure you there's nothing nicer than a long comment.
@@JakeAvPD I'm really happy that my blog has been helpful to you in some way. And I can definitely relate to that sometimes when you don't really feel like talking to people or don't have the energy for it, just reading a blog post or watching a video or something like that can feel like you actually still have some contact with people, at a level that's comfortable and doesn't require much effort from you if you're not able to put it in. And being a blogger, I actually totally agree with you re long comments, though I also know that people might feel differently about it so generally when commenting on other people's stuff I try not to write essays. :D
Hey Jake, Thank you for this video. You really don't have to hide the negative things bothering you. You are inspiring when you talk about the progress you're making and the admirable projects you have going on (like when you were writing the book and now with the meetings) but also when you talk about the struggles you're facing. Your channel should be a place where you can go to vent, so really feel free to share what's weighing on you. It is impressive that you managed to go through with the first meeting, and that you were able to carry the conversations. It's really an enormous step and you should be proud :o I hope you're not feeling too demotivated because of the meeting not really going as you had hoped. You are at least very good at communicating what was lacking according to you, so I hope you can turn it around somewhat or convey this to the participants, and make the meetings more as you had imagined them. It seems very draining if you have to be the one leading the whole thing...how did you feel afterwards? It sucks to hear that you have been struggling so much with the Trichotillomania and body image. You look a very healthy weight to me and I think you look good but I know that doesn't really help, that it is really something you start focussing on and obsessing over... I've been having issues with body image too and it's difficult to get out of it. I also get what you mean with feeling stuck and frustrated about being able to do things you couldn't before but not being able to do other things you would like to do, to go all the way so to speak. Thanks for speaking on that, it's very validating. However, I want to reiterate that you are currently making freakin incredible progress and that it's actually insane (in a good way lol) that you're doing these meetings. I understand though that it is difficult to cut yourself some slack and that it is so difficult to be content with what you're doing becuase there's always this critical internal dialogue. I hope you will feel better soon and I wish you good luck with the next meeting. Take care, Jake
Hi Lisa :) I'm so happy to hear from you, and I really appreciate the kind words. I'm feeling much better this week, and I feel ready for our meeting tomorrow. I've prepared a pretty different approach that I think will fit the group better! Not gonna lie, the first meeting was a bit draining. I did feel disappointed because I wasn't sure anyone got anything out of it. Feedback from everyone afterwards was positive though, generally with the sentiment that more structure would have been helpful. So I put a lot of work into designing a different format for the next one which will require people to all talk to each other and of roughly equal amounts :) Hopefully it stems into a more natural conversation from there, but we will see. I also feel that, for it to be beneficial for everyone, each person must not only talk, but open up, and also respond directly to what others say about their own experiences. I did feel that I had to open up more than others while also receiving less response (since I couldn't respond to myself haha). I had hoped that people would become more comfortable over the course of the meeting. I of course understand their anxiety-I have it as well; I just tried my best to come mentally prepared. Hopefully everyone feels even more excited to engage this time, and along with our new format it'll go that much better! I really do appreciate your reassurance about my appearance :) It's definitely not a logical worry, as you know. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it too :( I'll feel OK about how I look, then eat a meal and immediately think I look awful. Like, where did I expect the food to go? It's normal for your stomach to look a bit fuller after a meal. Thank you, Lisa, you're a really awesome person and a great friend. Best wishes
@@JakeAvPD I am very happy to hear you're feeling better! It's awesome that you thought of a different approach and I really hope the meeting will go well and that people manage to open up. It probably helps as well that it is now the second meeting and some of the uncertainty of going to a new place and meeting new people has (hopefully) subsided somewhat. I agree with you that it is important that people open up and respond to one another. It is difficult to open up but if someone responds to you, especially by following up on something you said and then opening up themselves, this can be very validating and might brng about the confidence to open up more along the way. I'm really curious to hear how it went so looking forward to your next video. Yeah i can imagine it is difficult with feeling bad after eating. I had an eating disorder (anorexia) when I was 14 (luckily lasted only about 6-9 months) so I know what it is like to feel horrible and also guilty after you have eaten. What I've learned from that time is that it is so very important for your body that you eat enough so your body has enough energy for everything it has to do, and it is also perfectly okay to eat unhealthier things. There is also nothing more normal than being a little bloated after eating. Thanks for the kind words! You're an amazing person and friend too. Wish you all the best
I have trichotillomania too. Had bald patches around 12-13... Luckily it's less severe now and no one can tell but back then it was a huge source of shame. So sorry, I know how it feels ❤
I always knew it but now I have an extra confirmation that I have body image issues. Due to some health complications I have had to go on a very strict diet recently, so now I finally lost kilo's. My whole adult life I thought if only I would shed those extra 3 kilo's, I would feel good about myself and be happy. Now I finally lost even more than that, and at first I was very happy and felt self-confident for the first time. But very quickly I am critical again and think this or that part of me is not nice enough.... now I know I have a serious isssue! Thank you Jake for sharing your life so openly, I am learning a lot and feel less alone. Be strong and learn compassion for yourself.
You will get through this. Keeping busy definitely helps. Keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. You have to remember that you may think people are thinking about you and watching you when you are out but they really aren’t. When I was a lot younger standing at a checkout line writing a check seemed impossible but I forced myself to do it. So great you are directing this support group! Now that’s something I could never do.
Hello Jake, l am Jason 50 years of age with a diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder and at the time PTSD. I haven't seen your previous postings here however your video popped up on my screen and l haven't communicated with another man with the same "infliction" so to speak, which is why l have reached out to you and everyone here on your channel. First off congratulations on participating in meetings. I hope this is hopeful for you. I never did meetings participation. What l would like to share with you without going on about myself is this experience may not make complete sense to you right now however l would like to assure you that as time continues it will become clearer and understandable. You may have already figured out that this is a self protection which you may be already aware of. What l would like to add is perhaps without knowing it this will allow you to be a better man in years to come. Think about other people who are more socialised and possibly filling themselves with regrets of their own actions for years to come. Sure they will adjust in time however for me l didn't want to fill myself with regrets that l would later have to adjust too. What l knew about myself all along is that l just wanted to be the best man that l could be. Socialising in a society where people are harmful towards each other and themselves made it impossible for myself to be a part of as it made me physically sick. Sure l spent all of my time alone however now at 50 years of age l am happy with myself and who l am. I wish the very best for you and l hope my message here finds you well. Jason from Melbourne Australia.
Hi Jason! Thanks so much for writing. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. You have a wonderful attitude, and what you say does make sense to me. I must admit I'm hopeful for a best of both worlds, in which I do interact with others some, in healthy ways, on my own terms, and hopefully with very few regrets! That may be asking for a lot, and we shall see how my perspective and outlook change in time. Thanks so much for the kind words, and I hope you're doing well.
I just discovered you’re channel and I want to thank you for how much you are helping me. I admire you for the strenght you have to talk about such hard topics with us and you really should be proud of that and proud of helping others people in need with you’re videos. P.s. Sorry for my english. It’s not my native language :(
lovely video as usual jake. I also have AvPD and i was wondering if, since i am not from the USA but i'd like to attend meetings like yours, if you'd think it would be a good idea to do online meetings with people all over the world
I definitely like that our in-person meetings give me an opportunity to talk to people face-to-face. It's not only hard to do that with other people because of anxiety, but also because it feels like meeting people is super hard once you're not in school anymore. However, I have had a ton of people express interest in an online group. I am beginning to lean towards giving it a shot in addition to our local group. I still haven't come up with a format I'm totally satisfied with, so I'm going to keep thinking on it for now, but I will be sure to let you know if it happens :)
Feel you on the weight thing, same thing for me, fucking sucks. I tried mirtazapine in the past and it made me super hungry, among other crap side effects; I had to stop it because of it.
I'm on mirtazapine right now, and it definitely makes my appetite much worse. I'm working on getting off of it. I've only continued to take it until now because it helps me sleep; it's not my primary antidepressant, but it's still going to be a struggle.
