I'm Jake. I've struggled with social anxiety my entire life. I never grew out of it, like people told me I would. It only got worse. I dreaded every interaction, knowing I'd do something to make myself look boring, stupid, or useless - knowing everyone would notice. I constantly felt physically sick, and couldn't stop myself from visibly shaking when confronted with simple conversation. I would dwell on the shame of minor embarrassments for days. I couldn't enjoy anything, and I hated myself.
A diagnosis of social anxiety disorder in 2018 didn't offer me any real answers. But when I finally learned about avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) in 2020, I began to understand what was happening to me, and why. I developed an empathy for myself that I had completely lacked before, and it literally saved my life. I was officially diagnosed with AvPD in 2021. Now I know who I am, and who I want to be. I'm here to share what I've learned about fighting to feel like the normal guy I am :)
All of this is very relatable. Though I wouldn’t get in such distress, but it’s a constant feel of anxiety in every situation that involves talking to people. The daydreaming, the awkwardness, the questioning of every sentence Îm going to say, and thus skipping most of them, etc… For several years after my studies, I pretty much locked myself out of social interactions. I lived in a farm in the middle of nowhere and this made me feel so much more confortable that I ever was. I was not working, living on the bare minimum, doing the things I loved (drawing and restoring cars) and that was great…but I did miss close relationship. Also the feel of being shamed by others was overwhelmingly present (« you’re a parasite », « you’re worthless », these ideas were in my head constantly, but I did hear them from relatives too). I ghosted my friends as I was in an odd situation and didn’t wan’t to feel embarrassed about telling them. At some point I took upon myself and managed to go on dates, and somehow got married to a beautiful extrovert wife that has had to cope with my social awkwardness (to say the least) for 7 years now, but I see it’s wearing her down now. She wants to do things and I only do them to please her but it terrifies me, and take no initiative by fear of having the wrong idea. She pushed me in the right directions, I created a business but it failed. I found a near perfect job (working all by myself with occasional clients) after but the company failed. And it makes me question a lot of things, I now do a lot of introspection, something I completely ignored doing before. So i’ve just found out about the AVPD and it sounds all too familiar. Add to that the recent realization that I’m likely on the autism spectrum and basic life skills get tough.
Really relate to the dread~panic~shame cycle. I live in a small town and bump into people I know unexpectedly, my panic is very visible- I blush. This is excruciating. Lately I’ve been going hungry and making strange food with whatever I have in the house- just to avoid going to the store and *possibly bumping into someone. Also sadly relate to not feeling comfortable around people I ‘should’ feel comfortable around (family) Thank you for sharing your experiences. Hope you’re finding some joy in this strange life.
Parents divorced at 4. Completely ignored me. No support system at all. My brother is 6 years older and I believe sociopathic and bullied me constantly. So for me it was having no support system and then sibling abuse.
Hi Jake, I've just finished reading your book, it's a good read. It helps me to know others are feeling, and thinking the same thoughts. I hope you're doing well. I'm 54 and it's only in the last few years i've come to know about AvPD, i've always known there was something wrong but i didn't know what it was. I knew about personality disorders but none of them seemed to fit, finding out about AvPD was a revelation. Good luck with your new therapist.
Thank you for posting. Very thorough which is appreciated. I would think that creating and posting this helps overcoming APD, but that's just my opinion.
Hey I saw this and I was wondering how you were able to reach out for help, I’m 21 and I don’t know what to do, my family doesn’t have the faintest idea of what my head is going through my head.
Hey man. It is really hard and I wish I had some great advice. If you have a friend or family member you do really trust, I think reaching out to them first would be the best option. The absolute most helpful thing is having people around you who can reassure you and just help with the hardest parts. Unfortunately finding those people can be hard. It has been for me. My most supportive person right now is my therapist, and I had to try quite a few before I found the one for me. Remember that your struggles are real, and that you deserve to feel better. Whether it's friends/family or therapists, talk to people about what you're going through until you find someone who helps you remember those things. I also find that taking notes helps me feel less scatterbrained and have an easier time talking about my problems without getting embarrassed. And, even if no other social interaction gets easier with time, I feel like therapy really does. Give it a try, and keep trying. You'll learn what a helpful person looks like and how to talk about the difficult and important stuff. Best wishes, man :)
how would psychiatrists differentiate this from CPTSD? obviously CPTSD is always contingent on past trauma, but isn’t it generally accepted that personality disorders are oftentimes at least correlated with past trauma? i’ve been told by my psychologist that i have CPTSD, and a psychiatrist (but not my own) that it ‘sounds like cptsd’ but i havent been actually diagnosed by a psychiatrist, and i still dont really know if it is CPTSD or one of several other trauma-related and personality disorders that have incredibly large crossovers.
It can be tricky. Personally, I think regardless of what diagnosis you receive, what's important is finding the experiences and people you most relate to and who help you accept yourself. CPTSD and AvPD are common comorbid diagnoses, so I believe you are correct that there is a lot of overlap. I've also heard from many people with AvPD who find that CPTSD is something they really relate to in a way that helps them understand themselves. I personally do not identify with the description of CPTSD as much as I do with that of AvPD, and the same can be said of the communities of people who deal with each. While I have probably had experiences which could be fairly considered traumatic, the social anxiety feels more like the focus than the trauma and reliving of it, in spite of the fact that they're obviously related. IDK if that makes sense but those are my thoughts at the moment!
I have avoidant personality disorder and dependent personality disorder and I’m asexual and you’re a beautiful person. You will find happiness and I wish you the best ❤❤. I realized some of these things late in life and my husband still loves me for who I am ❤️
Thanks so much for your video! I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 30 years ago. No one was diagnosing personality disorders then. I’m positive I have avoidant and dependent personality disorder. I’m going to ask my psychiatrist to look into it because I’m reclusive and happy hiding away. I worry about anything that’s even possible yo worry about. Thank you so much for telling the truth of your life. I can’t say how much your words mean to me ❤❤
11 дней назад
I am probably having AvPD and I think it was caused by my father and sister having serious narcissistic tendencies. So showing my emotions was never safe, it was used against me. I am grateful I am not alone going through this diagnosis. I really do appreciate you opening up, you are a brave man, and I applaud you how well you can think about all of your childhood. You are so brave, I am not sure if you even know. Thanks for your video
Your father sounds like a dismissive avoidant and your mom a covert narcissist - you are providing an invaluable service by sharing your experiences and insights - so many humans need to be better and places like your channel are where they can find something to think about for their own lives
A Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) Therapist could positively help you. Also look into DBT: Dialectal Behavioral Therapy. It is not just for Borderlines. Inner Child work is also VERY helpful
Thanks for sharing your story. I've a similar experience from childhood. My parents used to fight and there was a lot of jealousy. They didn't hit me or something but I feel neglected. I never saw my parents hugging or even speak in a good manner. Whenever anyone showed up at home I was tensed about what was going to happen. I have a AVPD diagnose and for me it feels kind of a relief that someone could listen to me at last and tell me what could be wrong and why I always felt alone. I used to play with my toys and almost never played together with any other kids. I appreciate you talking about your childhood because it gives me something to relate to. Sad to hear about what you've been going through but good that you can talk about it. Take care.
Thanks for sharing. Have AVPD diagnoses myself and find it very interesting to hear others with expereiences from their childhood and years in school. I work as a busdriver, not that I intended to become one but I sort of ended up where I am. The best seat in the bus, not having to share room as much with the passengers. I feel very tired when I get home because of all the impressions and people looking at me. I just can't look back easily but try to avoid them. Feel bad leaving this comment because of the fear from each and everyones opinion of myself but I just press enter and hope for the best.
dear jake, your story is heartbreaking. i'm sorry your parents abused you- emotionally, with guilt, a sense of disappointment, never being proud of you or showing you the way. your mom doesn't DESERVE a hug so don't feel bad about not wanting to hug her. she guilts you for your love. find others that will appreciate you and not torment you. leave them behind and i hope you can grow, blossom, and heal.
Hm this is very good to hear for myself. I've tried therapy before and got dropped because i wasn't "progressing." So, i put it off for years. Everyone says to get therapy like it's this simple thing. I've felt so alone because I fellt quite often misunderstood by therapists. Im trying again so 🤞 . Hate being asked about s**cidal thoughts too. I just want to feel normal and live life.
You’ve got this. Therapy can help a lot but I was always set in my ways so until I changed myself therapy didn’t help. Be who you are. Never ever be ashamed with that. ❤
I'm grateful that I was blessed with this video. It's nice to see someone who has it explain it instead of just a bookish way of understanding it. <3 You're also brave for opening up about this, especially on the internet.
I have social anxiety, which I'm currently in therapy for, and yet also many of the symptoms you suffer from too. . I guess there's a crossover. Thanks for posting your video, incredibly eloquent and very informative. Second hand shame is definitely something i get, also the fantasy element. I'm a visual artist who dabbles with writing, it's actually a great tool for narratives. Good luck x
A lot of anxiety can be solved with weight lifting and proper diet/sleep schedule. (ofc combined with some positive family life and maybe a friend etc) Most people are blind to their bodies basic needs and how much it affects the mind. I could barely function at work/in private before i started weightlifting, now i have no anxiety (it's also due to being acclimated ofc) but when you become physically bigger you will just naturally become more confident/not give a fuck, and people will treat you better/respect you more. Now i still can't handle group conversations and i don't like to interact with employees/extended family/cashiers, neighbors etc. But i will if they interact with me first i will smalltalk a bit. (Yes i sadly believe i have this condition now that i'm about to hit 30) But i will improve every facet of my life before i get a diagnosis and accept it.
You will surprise yourself...and soon, I think. You aren't that bad! Very easy to listen to, organized. Some of the negative stuff is habit and you can walk away from it, learn from it but don't spend time regretting it. You are good for this.
I have the same disorder and I took one semester before dropping out, too. I can't work either. Walking down the driveway in front of the entire block to get the mail is the worst. Almost every freaking day and lock down from Covid was so awesome and so was all the work from home opportunities. And i know nothing can be done about it except coping and benzos so I just have one kind of benzo for anxiety and one for sleep. You did what you set out to do. I feel better and thank you. (My mind says I'm pathetic and simple minded for feeling relief that someone else is suffering and not just me. How simple minded and pathetic lol) It is the self fulfilling prophecy that the very symptoms of our disorder prevent us from making treatment progress and public awareness... we're so ashamed 2nd hand shame is ridiculous isnt it?!! I cant watch a sex scene from a pg13 movie with anyone else around me. It's so embarrassing. Just typing this now my heart is so loud I hear squeeeking and echoing on the wall
For me, Duloxetine has been the one to finally help. But it varies from person to person unfortunately. I tried 7 before finding the right one, and it is still not perfect.
I'm pretty sure that I have this! But my being so overly analytical, thru observation, and looking inward constantly, I feel that I've broken through a lot of those challenges! My dad was very good at making anyone around him feel small. He was better than anyone else in his mind and wasn't afraid to show it! But as I got older and realized that he was not so intelligent, my view of him drastically changed! From then on he was powerless. He could no longer make me feel low! I've had many (almost twenty-five of my fifty-nine) years to deprogram. Plus not having certain family members, friends (?), and bullies that are no longer around to make me feel like afterbirth! I'm still working on being around folks, but that could be the ADHD, autism, c-PTSD (war time), and being an introvert! It will take more than a lifetime to work through.. 😅
