"How perverse is it that our abusers throw us into survival mode, and we despise ourselves for trying to survive?" OOF I had to replay that cuz it hit hard.
my problem is that I don't have a particular abuser. Its always me and its always been me. I have enough self awareness to know how lacking I am.. and Alot of that can't be changed through effort (or my foolish self believes so).
@@bapbirb That simply cannot be true. As a child, no one of us shames ourselves. You are doing what is talked about in the video: you are taking responsibility for something that isn't part of you.
I am a mistake... my parents were both under the age of legal consent... My conception was a criminal act... society did not punish them... So I feel it is me "Shame" that must punish them for their actions... thank you society for allowing me to teach these 2 disgusting criminals who still think underage child sex is acceptable behaviour as they were not punished that they were so very very wrong in their actions... I am shame I also go by the name of karma Put shame and karma together you may end up with a highly volatile reaction!!!
@@GrimReefer-zc9vu this is actually really sad that you feel this way, if this is real and not some weird troll attempt. I hope you get the help you need to not hold onto so much bitterness for your family, and btw there's nothing illegal about a consensual encounter between two minors, unless you live in some very oppressive country. Either way, I hope you get the help you need to move past this trauma.
@@GrimReefer-zc9vualthough very sad to see this, there’s something very special about the way you are able to portray yourself in a cynical yet poetic way. I hope one day you feel differently about yourself, but in the meantime, I believe that your ability to communicate your feelings will flourish and transfer onto something creative. Stay safe.
I can attest from personal experience that parents who don't know what they're doing and could mean well can sabotage their children with malignant shame just as easily as abusive families.
Trueeee My parents are wonderful and loving and I cherish them so, so much. ... But when I was at my lowest point they shamed me and it hurt very badly. They were confused and scared and simply reacted poorly. They have since apologized for it, but the consequences were very real.
Yep. Sadly abuse doesn't have to come from a place of hate or ill will. Sometimes it's cultural norms or the parent's own shame that leads to it. This form of abuse is just as valid. The abuser in this case (just like more obvious abusive relationships) has more plausible deniability because "they love you" or "everything they did was because they love you". The only difference is if society classifies something as abuse or not. This is not to say they are evil. They are just broken and should never had had children most likely, but their children pay the consequences and it's up to every individual to decide whether or not they want to forgive. Too often forgiveness is not given as a choice and presented as required to be a good person. Not true at ALLL
Big difference is acknowledging mistakes and apologizing, even if you dont realize it till much later. Parents aren't perfect and communicating that to your children would help so much. Caring to repair in some way. My parents acted like they were God's who could do no wrong. The only times i remeber them apologizing was is an "I'm sorry I have to do this, I'm doing this because I love you" way.
Yes. My abuser was just recently given probation. CPS was called the night HE tried to strangle me in front of my kids. Guess who still has a case open?! Yep, me! Even though my kids are my LIFE. They are cared for, loved, and provided for. I got out of that relationship just to be put into another with CPS when no matter what, I am a fk up. I'm tired, my kids are tired. Since Jan we've not been able to relax or heal.
@@LynnAgain83Oh man I'm sorry to hear about that. That kind of situation leaves scars, and uhh the authorities arent always going to support you, you gotta have firm boundaries and always be thinking about safety. Its gonna just be like that for a bit. I hope you have support around you friends, family etc
i started sobbing at that part, i recently had to throw out my brother from my house knowing he had no where to go because he is an awful person, to the point kids arent safe around him, and even still i was wrecked with shame and guilt for putting my foot down. now I know its just discomfort because its a new feeling.
every little mistake i made in front of my father resulted in scolding. he never tried to teach me how to do something, only that i was doing it wrong and that i should stop. i've been afraid of trying new things my whole life because if i can't get it right the first time i'll feel like a failure, and because of that i feel like i've missed out on so much. thank you for reminding me that there is a way out of this.
You just described my own experience with my father. I'm afraid to just express myself about things I enjoy as well, as they teased me about things I enjoyed when I was a child when those things were "wierd" and even shut me out of those things completely a couple times. I wear a shell that gives them the appearance of "normal" and I'm afraid of leaving it, despite wanting to.
THIS. Thank you. It's even worse that my mother also thinks this is stupid like "LMAO YOU CAUSED THIS. So why do you get to complain like oh no the consequences of my actions! "
My parents were the same especially my father. He was a narcissist (would probably be clinically diagnosed with NPD). All he did was yell at and shame us when we screwed up. No patience whatsoever, just trying to scare us into not screwing up in the first place. But most of the time we didn’t know what we did wrong or how to do things properly the next time around. He never provided that type of guidance. I think a lot of times even he didn’t know what he wanted. As a result I’m anxious all the time and scared of everything. I’ve lived my 35 years of life flatlined, not daring to try anything new for fear of failure. He made every failure like a life or death situation. I don’t take any risks especially social ones where people can observe and judge my incompetence. My life is one big bore. I’m not suicidal but I also know that this is no way to live. I think I have avoidant personality disorder. I’m trying to make some big changes this year. The sad truth is our parents most likely had the same upbringing so they honestly don’t know any better. We are all ultimately responsible for ourselves as adults and it’s up to us to do better. There’s unfortunately no competency test people take before becoming parents.
@@ingrid3578 I'm in the same situation though I'm slowly and trying to break out of it. There are definitely times I'm proven to just not take enough risks but at the same time it's just in my personality to be impulsive. I think it's part of who I am and there's really situations I have to or else I'll know I won't be as fullfilled. Failure often leads to loss, sure but never trying at all won't teach me to know better next time. I think that's valuable too. Consider all possibilities and gamble within my capabilities
The amount of children who are psychologically and physically harmed then are told to either stop being such an easy target or that they "made themselves cry" is heartbreaking. There's also cases of kids being punished for nonviolently standing up to bullies.
@@j.2512 ok first off, no. Accountability is something that our capitalist culture fails to teach, personal responsibility is what we emphasize without the acknowledgment of accountability. This is why our country can't make the leap to fixing these issues and divides between us. We have not learned to be helpless we have learned to be docile and compliant workers for our capitalist country and its corporations that we live and die by. This locus of external control you speak of is the historical context that an imperialist globe of nations ruling class hid from its underclass. We are traumatized people torn from our cultures, roots and histories that define us. Nearly all developed nations live on stolen land with an unaccountable global imperialist government. Even New Zealand won't recognize their indigenous as citizens.
I'm surprised you didn't talk more about how victims of malignant shame often consider themselves so worthless that they reason themselves out of asking for help, because they don't feel worth other people's time, and/or that they don't deserve help because they are evil/worthless. My situation was doubly bad because, in addition to thinking I was never worth anyone else's time, I spent my whole life shaming myself into believing I didn't even need help because I'm to blame for all my problems because no "real" abuse like physical abuse happened to me.
Man that sounds awful, I felt the same, I did cop a bit of physical abuse, mostly emotional abuse but frankly the self hatred and feeling worthlessness was/is properly harmful and its self inflicted, and pretty much constant nonstop. To cope I've kindve learned to direct that hatred towards the perpetrators, much better to feel like they're the ones who are worthless. At least sometimes I'm able to cope that way, sometimes not.
Happened to me too. After all my intense trauma my whole life, people in my family like my uncle will always downplay my OCD, ADHD, and Depression by saying, "I work with kids who are born without arms, so you don't have it hard". Rich coming from a health professional, someone who should also consider maybe the child born without arms may also end up suffering neglect as a result of their condition and develop OCD, ADHD, and Depression like me, since they are human too, and they likely wouldn't share my uncle's negative attitude about me either.
This is really true. I want therapy for myself but I've spent so many years getting told by my parents that my problems don't mean anything/aren't bad "enough" and never will be because I grew up with a stable home and supportive parents. I don't face physical abuse, so therefore I face NO abuse, and therapy is useless. Unfortunately, while they are well intentioned people, they did still inflict strong emotional trauma onto me and refuse to see that they have ever made any errors in parenting. My mom deliberately yells and hurts my feelings to encourage me to do better, instead of looking for better, less destructive solutions. I don't know. It's really hard to let go of that shame and that feeling of "They're right; I don't deserve help, my life's perfectly fine." I'm so used to having to think that way that often I struggle to identify my sadder emotions until they come barreling out, or that when they DO begin to surface, I underestimate and dismiss their severity because "I can't be depressed, I can't be sad, my life's not bad, I have no reason to be sad" I dunno. I hope I figure things out soon. Thank you for your post.
I don’t care if the world shames me, I feel it more with family. It hurts so much knowing I can’t be my authentic self around my family. Thank you for making this informative video.
There is nothing worse than having to kill a part of you slowly in order to please the people you love. After a while, you start to forget who you really were, and the way back grows ever darker and more lost. Truly sad when we can’t be accepted by our families “I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” -Robin Williams
It’s especially tough because America is a very family-oriented society. This is why some families are like this. It gives them a great sense of power, knowing the forever, permanent loneliness and isolation they are forcing you to endure by casting you out. The other members do not want to be alone so to avoid being ostracized as well, they will all gang up on you. The toughest part is having a family like this is a fact that will never change. You can always make a new friend or meet a new lover. You can never force an ostracizing family to accept you. And you can’t just create a whole new bunch of cousins and aunties, unfortunately.
@@conorknapp6764mine never even gave me an option to try to fit in. As soon as I was old enough to dress myself, they all instantly let me know they would never love me no matter what I did.
Oh no that sounds really shitty. I feel like families are meant to love unconditionally. Being ostracized by "family" seems surreal to me. I don't know what horrible crimes I'd have to commit to get my dad to just cast me out of his life, he loves me, hes great. And if your dad isn't like that I wonder if he's actually your dad or just the guy who provided half the DNA to create you. I know thats not a traditional perspective but seriously your family is supposed love you, if they don't then they're kindve more like neighbours or housemates. Making children is easy, being a father is hard. You know what i mean?
It cuts so much deeper when it's family. Especially with a parent/primary carer. I'm going through a period of facing up to the person in my life causing me to feel shame and boldly telling them what I believe instead of having their beliefs pushed onto me. It's painful because this is when I experience the most spitefulness, but it's been freeing in the long run.
Realized a few days ago that I live off of a "shame-based identity." Saw something on Pinterest that listed some things, all of which I relate to, such as always feeling inferior, not enough, feeling powerless and small, and wondering why anyone would like/listen to me talk. It culminated when I was sitting with some friends and after I sat on the couch, I immediately curled up to make myself as small as possible. A friend sitting next to me asked, "there is a whole couch. Why take up so little space?" At first, I didn't think much of it, then when I remembered it I thought, "because I have programmed myself to see me as small and insignificant." Then I realized that I view my body and my whole existence with shame.
I mean, it IS a good idea that you shouldnt hog couch space, because its annoying for everyone else to take up so much space. I think you did the right thing for an emotionally flawed reason
Oh wow... Well what are you gonna do? Surely you can't just keep ceeding space, eventually you'll not even be on the couch, curled up in a ball on the floor beside the couch. And then what? Curled up in a ball in the hallway? Whats next curled up outside the house by the door? You are allowed to be on the couch it's not shameful to use it for its intended purpose, rather its sensible to just sit on it comfortably. You're allowed to i promise.
I can actually relate to those things from the list too. It's something I'm noticing recently cause I never managed to put it in words. I'm sorry you feel this way.
I feel the same. I feel like a blip, a small nothing. Even in conversations, I tune out because my mind feels automatically that I don't belong and it hides itself in its self-doubt.
As Trixie Mattel once said, "Shame is a landfill emotion," If you lived alone in the woods, you would never be ashamed. But overtime, people throw things in your landfill and when you get older, you find that you've been carrying around so much baggage
That image of the child's world collapsing rather than expanding was me. My home was a refuge when school was a lonely, shame-filled ordeal. I can barely write about it in coherent sentences such is the power of the shame in me. My friends that moved away. The teacher who told my classmates to not be friends with me. The antidepressants. The awful coping mechanisms and the loneliness and how because of all these things and more I don't deserve affection... I wish so deeply that 9 year old me could have seen this video.
'I wish so deeply that 9 year old me could have seen this video.' -For many years, when writing videos, I would think about the messages I wished I'd had some access to when I was a child. Spending formative years in shame-peddling environments can mean a lot of extra conscious house cleaning work - pushing out whatever kinds of dirt were injected into us and gradually clogging up the holes that allow it back in. Peace.
@@TheraminTrees i think you should be proud and happy to know, that some of us who are younger, deeply appreciate you making these videos, as they DO reach us in a critical time. thank you.
@@TheraminTrees I think it would be a nice project to make videos such as this one, but in a language and presentation that is more digestible by children. I think it would be great help for children who are being abused or are otherwise being subjected to trauma.
One problem is that the abuser is not always being deliberately abusive. The person can be loving and trying to do their best but bound in their own abuse completely unaware of what they are doing. They pass it on. Shame just soaks in.
That is a shame indeed. And it's also my father. He didn't know better and wasn't able to figure it out by himself, so he inflicted it upon me with all his strength and frustration. As I now keep repeating myself: "I understand why he did it, but I cannot justify him." I like to think he died not knowing it, so he was able to go in peace. He left me so much good things, almost as much as bad things. Now is my job to separate and filter them so I don't inflict them upon my own child.
@@anameyoucantremember oh gosh the stakes are pretty high, but you clearly possess the insights necessary to not repeat your father's mistakes. You'll be great.
I understand, WHY my parents did or didn't do. It still wasn't my fault. And it's hard not to take it personally. Whether it was me or another person born in my position, they'd still do or not do. I didn't ask (but maybe pre-birth I did, that's whole 'nother topic) to be born to this dysfunctional group of crazies. This video is healing. Thank you.
@@Karina_Engr yeah thats true, although we do know of consciousness as 'the true us', it's kinda hard to infer much things else from it. Though without memories and informed consent, any contract should be immediately voided after a memory is gone, afterall such contract was only made by an identity which does not exist now, contract cannot and should not be ascended to that level, That is what I'll think I do if I'm an reality engineer lol
This resonated with me deeply. I am catastrophically ashamed, I feel chronic embarrassment for merely existing. However, I don’t know why or how I started to feel this way. I grew up with a narcissist father that was very emotionally and mentally abusive but I’ve always felt I’ve “disconnected” enough to the point I don’t even care. So I’m not sure why I carry this horse
you probably just dissociated half of the time which is a common coping mechanism when faced with trauma. im assuming that u also have a hard time connecting to others or feeling ur emotions entirely bcs of how u blocked much of it. i never knew i was abused until i started really understanding my behaviors and why im the way i am today so im sure once u start reconnecting with ur trauma u will understand how everything has affected u
I feel a similar way. I don’t think about my childhood in a negative light much, but looking at it objectively, i know i was neglected and mistreated. It’s a weird feeling, but understanding that is that first step.
It seems like you may have actually suppressed the feelings of hurt and betrayal you experienced from your father's abuse, causing the shame to seem out of place. It might be necessary for you to try and reprocess that trauma and allow yourself to feel the pain. I'm in that situation where I tend to suppress feelings of hurt due to past trauma, and it's been hard getting to a place where I am willing to experience those emotions again. I had allowed myself feel them in the past, but after so many repeated betrayals, something inside me broke and I decided I wasn't gonna feel that hurt anymore because what was the point if this same situation was just gonna keep happening. Now, I'm in a different situation where it actually would help me to feel those emotions, but it's just been so hard to fully convince myself of it. I still find myself resisting the urge to cry and holding everything back as desperately as possible whenever I feel that pain come up. I think I'm scared to give in and let it out, because it feels like all those emotions I've buried have formed this colossal tidal wave, and the huge metaphorical dam I've built to contain it all would collapse if even a single crack formed, resulting in an all-consuming wave of hurt drowning me, preventing me from ever finding my way back to the surface. Hopefully, I'll gain the courage to take that plunge someday because it would probably change my life (in a good way). Anyways, I might be projecting with this, but either way I hope you're able to figure it out.
It's amazing that so many "parents" get off on torturing their children instead of nurturing them, but as long as society keeps looking the other way, they're going to go on doing it.
Great point! When society finally *does* shines the spotlight on abuse, however, we hear the usual 'oh but she's your mother, she only means well!' as just an example. Goes to show that it's not just society ignoring the problem, but gaslighting us survivors and victims when society's *forced* to make some form of statement or acknowledgement about it. As if our suffering and cries for help are inconvenient to them. Because let's be real... They are. Our society relies largely on exploiting the majority so that a few can experience power, riches, et cetera. This is exactly what happens in a 1-1 abusive relationship, just multiplied as a sickening tumor on the macrocosmic level. That's why it's up to us, the ones who were used, abused, and nearly killed (like in my case), to keep on making noise. We refuse to go down quietly and conveniently. We. Were. Hurt. We, for our own sakes and those of future generations, refuse to be hurt any longer.
@@lisarochwarg4707 sure but heteronormative family systems is pushed down our throats was what i really meant, and like it is the only thing worth having. but if it's the only good thing how come so many broken children from said systems
I spent my entire childhood being shamed by adults. Where my mother left off, my teachers took over. What kind of teacher deliberately shames a six year old child in front of a whole class? Over and over again? It is amazing that I managed to get through all this, with my lunatic drug addicted mother, and all the years of abuse that followed in school. I got married and have had a fairly good life, including children and grandchildren. My sister was not so lucky. She committed suicide at 43.
i used to have really long hair and whenever my mom found a strand of my hair on the ground, i would get punished for it. she also always said "i birthed you perfectly. any imperfection you show, is because of you, and you alone". this video was needed. thank you.
Your mom’s a dumb bitch and she’s crazy to boot. The average person sheds about 100 hairs DAILY. What does “I birthed you perfectly” even mean or have to do with anything? You can give birth to your baby and have nothing go wrong but then they get sick later, it’s nobody’s fault. Nobody is perfect. Everyone is sad and pathetic at least sometimes, it’s the human condition.
“Ah yeah my toddler throwing up all over themselves? Well I birthed them perfectly so why should I help with all of this imperfectness??” Some people amaze me with stupidity. A good backhand to the chin could fix a lot of them :)
That's horrid!! This made me realise my parents do this too somewhat and they are narcissitic! They make you wnat to dissappear and hide any proof of ur existence
My parents didn't actually tell me I was useless and unimportant. They just didn't bother with me. They neglected me emotionally due to their own mental health issues. I've grown up feeling pointless, invisible and worthless. I have BPD and every day of my life has been exhausting. The work I've done on myself has been immense but I'm on the right track to loving myself. My message to everyone struggling is, it is hard work but we can do this ❤❤❤
my mothers first husband always let us kids know exactly how much we cost him- dinner was the worst. to this day i eat silently and quickly, to get away from the table as quickly as possible
Yeah I've started working on this, peter levine and gabor mate are good for releasing childhood trauma, I've also started reading the Bible, I don't think it's coincidental, that biblical repentance is parallel to releasing trauma
@@rickspalding3047 Hey Rick, amazing observation you made about the bible. i found connections as well in the stories of the bible, but also in other stories and movies - heroes movies like lord of the rings, etc seem to me to represent the pattern of a way our psyche works. when i have a problem that is causing me distress, it's like a story unfolds, and it ends the moment I am back to peace. but between these 2 points its like the story of the bible is happening, from start to end. I think it's not coincidental that if you watch every movie and read every story they seem to have a common pattern. This is what us humans are trying to understand as an unconscious process and the way it evolves and the way we can grasp it is through creativity, because what's going on in our minds in moments of hard distress is still hard for us to rationally understand and will be still for a long long time. How can we even conceptualize certain sensations, emotions and patterns of cognition? If I advance this hypothesis in regards to the human archetypes, which we can only intuitively grasp but not completely as it needs the shadow part in order for it to exist. There are so many information -> hence a story that has the elements needed in abstract in order for the story to make some form of sense on SOME level, even if that level is not conscious. That's why we enjoy movies.
BPD is the fuckin worst. Shame and guilt is debilitating so often, yet its seen as laziness and melodramatic. I finally found my people that know my issues and accept me as i am, but still set boundaries. I needed this so so bad. This year has been such a turnaround its unreal. To anyone suffering, you will find your tribe, your people or person. It will come, no matter how much you hate yourself someone will help you. It wont always be easy, but the best things rarely are. You can do this.
I experienced this abuse at a job where one manager hated my guts. My confidence was completely ripped apart over the course of 6 months and I was pushed to my wit’s end. My skin was severely breaking out from the stress, I vomited almost every morning from anxiety, and I cried every single day I came home. It took months to regain what I lost after leaving and I seriously feel traumatized by the way I was treated. Thank you for this video! Having full awareness over what was happening really validates the way the way I feel about it and also helps me heal.
@@yoya4766I’m one of the senior people in my job and this is a recent experience. After all I survived, achieved and moved on from. It is in health care it’s happening- disgusting.
“We’ll accept you, as long as you don’t talk about THAT part of you” hit really hard because that is unfortunately the stage I am at now with my relationship with my parents on my healing journey. It’s unfortunate because now in all my interactions with them I can tell they are trying really hard not to step on eggshells with me, which on the surface seems great because now at least they see the boundaries I’ve set, right? Well no, it sucks because all these interactions feel disingenuous and it creates a feeling that we can’t be honest with each other, which is a huge part in making a healthy relationship with someone. By me voicing my beliefs and standing up for myself and being genuine and honest I am meeting in the middle, but they refuse to meet me there. Instead, they hide away and by doing so subtly express their shame about me. It sucks because I have done all I can, and if they don’t want to meet me in the middle, there’s nothing more I can do, and that’s sad.
@HouseRN I hope you find ways to be yourself and not let them in until they accept all of you. And I say that because it's honestly the fastest way to show them what will and will not be tolerated. Because you're still allowing a disparity in the treatment you deserve versus the treatment you're willing to compromise for and accept. Love yourself full volume, don't turn it down because it's too loud for those around you. Never sacrifice your comfort to accommodate someone who would not do the same for you.
Born and raised evangelical Christian, this was the air we breathed in, the oppressive weight we didnt know we had on our shoulders. The group pressures, the dirty looks. Thank god for the internet and channels like this.
@@mollymalone2838 I woke up the other day and had a cup of coffee. I listened to the sounds of early morning and it dawned on me that i was content in myself. You will get there too. It takes time.
@@sokol2629 Evangelical means they have an extra emphasis on evangelising (sharing their beliefs with others). In America, evangelicalism is a brand of Christianity that is fundamentalist (meaning they believe that the Bible is the completely literal and completely infallible word of God). They are very conservative and traditional, (often being very anti-LGBT+ and "pro-life") and very often tied in with right wing politics (even though they will often claim they are apolitical). Hope that was a helpful explanation. P.S. I wish you all the best in your healing journey, wherever it may take you 💖. I hope you all are able to get the help and support you need, and find a supportive and loving community (religious or non-religious).
Theramin, I live in a three-adult household with my partner and my best friend, and all three of us have experienced parental abuse that incited long-term shame. We've been aware of it for some time and we've been processing and healing over the years, but it can still be very painful. When I noticed this video drop, I immediately shared it with both of them, and all three of us were brought to tears. Without any professional therapy on the matter, the three of us have had to come to heal through intense reflection and, as you put it, being our own 'Socratic questioners' (though at times we have played that role for each other), but to have our maladaptive shame responses so clearly understood and voiced is a deeply therapeutic validation. Thank you.
@@TheraminTrees I'm one of the three too, Jimi just linked this response. I've been a fan for a long time as a former JW and I want to express my gratitude for your work too. We are so fortunate to have each other.
Hello Matt. I'm glad to hear you made it out of that corrosive high-control group - and that you've replaced that pseudo ‘family’ organisation with the real deal! Peace.
Right?? That's not where I thought that story was going. I thought he'd be ashamed he got mugged. Or ashamed he didn't stand up for himself. Dude took on a 2v1 then whooped them so hard he felt bad about it. Mad respect, he deserves to feel proud.
"when the time felt right, I put the following situation to him. A couple decide to have a child. They experience financial struggles, feuds with relatives, and physical illnesses. How responsible is the child?" "A long pause. Then a laugh. Then a quiet declaration - 'I wasn't responsible' " I could almost imagine his face during this- the emotion was palpable. Your ability to tell stories and convey the emotions in them is telling of your skills as a therapist. I teared up at that part, thinking of what must've been going through his mind. "Ha! He's talking about me... Oh... It's... Not my fault..." Truly beautiful work you do
That part was extremely powerful because I had the exact same conversation during therapy, almost word for word. If it weren't for it being in a different language I would think they were talking about me for a moment 😅 It really is that simple sometimes
At age 20, I became disabled due to extreme abuse. I moved in with my older sister and her kids and helped her raise them. As the years went by, and as I came out as bi, my family reacted in a way that was horrific and shameful. They shamed me for being disabled (ever since the beginning) and for being bi, and I soon realized that if I wanted to heal, I had to get away from them. I miss my nieces and nephews every day. I told them I loved them but needed to cut contact for a while. The abusive adults in my family have either forced them to not have contact with me or spun the story to fit their needs. I love my family and miss them, but the amount of shame that I felt around them was suffocating. I feel it every day, the struggle to heal from years of shame and gaslighting. For anyone reading this, thank you, and good luck on your journey. We can do this.
14:30 This moment hit me particularly hard, that visual is so perfect. I recently learned to start thinking of my inner monologue as several different people. When I have emotional flashbacks into shame and selfloathing, I started noticing and pointing out to myself: "these are my mothers words, not mine", and suddenly the voice had a face, the mask slipped. That realization was the turning point in my healing journey, it was the moment I shifted from beating myself up, to taking care of me and tending to my wounds.
I have a similar experience, but it's much more difficult to tell since my mom has put shame on me just through pressure in certain situations, elevating fussing at why I spilled the milk to an hour of extremely tense silence sometimes interrupted by prodding at my chaotic mental state all while seeming like a normal healthy interaction. So while I have the same kind of distinct voices in these thoughts, they've always been my own. Not sure why I'm writing this here but whatever it's probably just good to vent in some random reply section
Shame is a form of mind control, your world expands so much once you get rid of it. And when you antagonize those who try to shame you and they see you can't fall into what they want anymore you will see the frustration on their faces, and it's priceless.
I've dealt with malignant shame from my own family, particularly in being incessantly compared with my older sibling. My parents would say things like: _"Why can't you be more like your brother?"_ It didn't matter what it was: Grades, athletics, friendships; I'd be judged based on the successes of my sibling. And when I failed to reach his overachieving standard, they insinuated that I "squandered my potential". It took me a long time to get over that implicit shame, but I managed.
Wow! As an ex Muslim this hit home hard. In Islamic communities, it is very common for the community to do its own 'policing' and shame people into submission, after all, submission is the core tennet in Islam. Excellent video, one of your best yet!
"As Ruth noted, it's the role of traditions to serve the people who perform them -- not the role of people to serve traditions." DAMN! That might be one of my personal quotes of the year.
This is something I still struggle with daily. I'm disabled and have to rely on a lot of people to help me move and cook and clean because the pain is just too great. The feeling that I'm inherently wrong and worthless is really hard to shake, even when I'm surrounded by those I love. There are good and bad days- and on the good days I remind myself that even if I saw a crumpled, spit on, and dirty 20 dollar bill on the ground...it still has a worth of 20 dollars, despite what it's been through. Why are humans any different? Don't give up, guys. You all have worth. You all matter- even if you don't think you do. There *is* a tomorrow, and we'll be ecstatic to see you then, because it means you won a battle.
That 20 compounds into 40, then 60, 80, etc if you give yourself that worth! Some may say you're learning new skills to compensate but I say who cares!!
What a gift you give when your disability gives others the chance to do something good. You give people the chance to feel helpful, valuable and needed. A gift isn't a gift without someone to give it to. When I give someone a gift, i thank them for being the recipient. You just do you. Let others do them. 💖
You clearly have value - your loved ones know that you're worth helping. Sometimes others have a much clearer view than we do, please try to trust them on this 😊
had an awesome youth pastor talk about this concept once, how as humans we have intrinsic worth, and nothing we've done or that has been done to us can change that. hearing people's awful faith stories on here really makes me grateful for my past youth group experience.
Something I don’t think is acknowledged enough is how even Internet communities or Fandoms can have this environment that encourages shame. I personally have been harassed, attacked, and ostracized for things that are so trivial. Because of it, I have spent years thinking there has to be a reason why people have treated me that way- that the problem must be with me. It is hard to rationalize why things happen because of irrational people… and alot of it just resulted in me hating myself immensely. I even have found myself on multiple occasions wishing I could just grovel at strangers feet asking what I did wrong because I felt such intense shame and self hatred for something I didn’t even understand? Social media in its current state doesn’t make this much better… I won’t lie, I feel burnt out trying to juggle so many things and try to improve myself that in turn its like I am going backwards. This stuff is difficult. I’m just hoping I can get rid of alot of this shame- it feels miserable.. for now though, this video has made me feel a bit better.
Fandoms can, unfortunately, become intensely toxic at times. And social media is a place where people dump their toxicity onto other people. Hang in there. You're not alone in what you're feeling.
Been there. Between the hate groups, ragebaiting news articles that bring out controversial topics and a lot of triggered angry people, it's really easy to get sucked into this void of fire and hate and ask yourself what did you do or say so wrong that these people are so angry at you. And because there's like an infinite supply of them, there's no end. Best to avoid those places like the plague, and either stick to real life or online places where the vibes are overwhelmingly more positive.
This is probably the most important and helpful video you've made to me. I'll definitely be coming back to this one when things get rough, at least until I can find a therapist and figure out how to see them in a way that isn't going to exacerbate the abuse from my family. Thank you. And I hope your back continues its trend towards healing.
I think this is the reason I prefer to be completely alone. No friends, no close relatives (my twin and i barely talk but do have a good relationship and for twins that's insanely rare), no relationship or partners at all. I prefer alone because I was always the weird kid who loved learning. I thrived on history and knowledge but that wasn't entertaining or fun so I CONSTANTLY heard 'shut up, nobody cares.' So now as an adult i just keep to myself. I don't have depression, luckily. I'm very emotionally stable and I'm working on bettering things that do trigger my 'feels.' I'm trying to be more comfortable around people, to feel safe to talk to and explain things to them. I've noticed that's insanely hard to do with women but men are easy to get along with. I kind of hate that. However, I am trying.
Your videos are frequently just what I needed to hear in my life. As someone with Bipolar the guilt I feel for the behavior I displayed while sick, while effective in leading me to a more healthy lifestyle to prevent another episode. Has transformed over into maladaptive shame. But if I am doing everything I can to remain healthy, the shame serves no purpose. Ill have to learn this with time.
It sounds like your story is similar to mine. Just before I turned 21 I had a very bad manic episode which had my family thinking I was demon-possessed while I alternated between thinking I was Jesus and the devil and the whole thing just got really, really ugly. I was in and out of psych wards for a few months and then on meds for a couple years. It took a very long time for me to even begin getting over the shame of having lost my mind and behaved so irrationally. Then I had to deal with my anger toward my family who in my opinion exacerbated the episode with a 3 week long exorcism which involved restraining me, yelling at me, and burning things of mine that they had decided were 'demonic'. I don't know where you're at religiously, but one of the things that did help me finally put this in the past was the realization that my childhood faith had essentially primed my brain for mania and delusions. Obviously there are some religious people who remain mentally healthy their whole lives, but for someone like me who felt terrible guilt and fear of hell growing up- who wanted to make absolutely sure that I was a "true believer" and wanted to experience God in a tangible sense... it was a very toxic combination of mental factors. So now that I've put that magical thinking to rest, I'm able to move on with the confidence that I won't let it happen again. It's been 5 years at this point and I'm still vigilant. I'm able to recognize when I start to "spiral" mentally and I make sure to just take some time for myself to relax. It's nice to be able to relax without feeling guilty, as well- religion criminalizes a lot of completely harmless behavior in that regard. (coughmasturbatingcough) I hope you're able to get back into the sunlight. I know you'll reach it if you just keep moving forward.
@@Phoenix0F8 Thanks for the thoughtful post, Im glad you have found ways to cope effectively and move forward in a healthy way. I had frequent and reoccurent nightmares of hell growing up, to the point where it was the only reason I believed. Now, I no longer believe and with losing the faith the nightmares of hell went away.
@@nickman9639 Those nightmares were some of the worst, along with nightmares about the rapture taking away your loved ones and leaving you to face the end of the world alone. Glad you were able to get out of that cycle.
The sad reality is that people who commit crimes often don't feel ashamed whereas people who reflect and retrospect and improve themselves, try to be ethical and moral are often the ones most affected by abusive shame.
Even people who commit crimes shouldn’t be shamed. If our goal is improving society, we should address the problems that lead to crime instead of shaming people who are already being victimized by society.
A conscience. Yes, that does seem to be a barrier to commit crimes, but it's nothing religion can't fix. Yahweh and Allah both gladly tell you that you fuck up no matter what you do, so why even try? They also have the "cure" that rids you of your conscience: they'll forgive you if you but worship them and only them, and definitely not the other made up narcissist, or you'll go to hell, or be destroyed forever while your family who did turn their backs on integrity, honesty, and humanity happily sing songs of praise to their narcissist in some sort of paradise where everyone is welcome except those who worship wrong or don't even worship. Oh, and don't forget to live by their rules to increase the chances they won't refuse your entry into heaven. Be a bigot, be conservative, remember that the only way to fix things is to pray to your favourite narcissist, don't forget to pretend you're open and progressive and that you don't discriminate people, and so on and so forth.
@@justinwatson1510 Very true. The law in my country actually does this, despite a huge portion of our society being all for a vengeance system like the US has. I guess, not all of us want less crime; some people just want to see the world burn and those who do wrong in the eyes of hard working family people first, of course, because they deserve vengeance more than anyone. I said vengeance instead of justice again, didn't I. Ah well, when they're not the same thing, I'll be able to get it right.
@@justinwatson1510 I can't imagine what we as a society could do to prevent Putin and his co from establishing a fascist regime and raging war against Ukraine.
I've noticed, observing some young children (5 or 6) that have some emotional struggles, that these kids get very defensive when they're upset. They attack themselves but they also attack the people around them. They immediately default to blaming someone for causing their emotions which led to a behavior that isn't socially acceptable. They can't turn the defensive reaction onto themselves, they have to believe the cause is external. They also downplay the consequences of their actions "fixing that will only take "x" and that's not even a big deal" There's some process by which these kids, through highly emotional reasoning, start developing these patterns of thought early in life. Pushing responsibility out to some preceding incident, downplaying harm, being defensive and unable to self reflect. I'm not sure shame would help, in fact I suspect shame is a primary driver for those reactions. It's okay to be angry if they hurt you. Don't misunderstand. There's pragmatism and problem solving, then there's very real and justified indignity at someone causing you harm. They, on some level, need to be separated lest they bleed into each other and distort things on either side.
What's problematic for me is that my shame is mixed with justifiable guilt. While many of the negative beliefs I hold about myself were internalised from being shamed, I've also done things which were genuinely awful, and I think I deserve to feel guilty about them. But where can the line be drawn on personal responsibility? Should one feel guilt for having an addiction, for example? Technically, they're the one "choosing" to live that way, but it sure doesn't feel like a choice when you're going through it. Or having temperamental problems, like sudden, unexpected anger outbursts? Not to mention that memories from my childhood are very fuzzy... Was I spoiled as a kid, and that's why I have such poor impulse control? Or was I punished harshly and excessively, and that's why I feel a constant anxiety about upsetting others? I have some hazy memories which imply the former, some hazy memories which imply the latter. None of it feels as clear-cut as the examples in this video...
You have to remember that the examples in these videos are given only to deliver a specific point, which is why they're so clear cut so the audience can understand the idea being presented. Real life experiences are often much messier than that (even if the examples given are also authentic life experiences) with many factors involved, so it is pretty much expected you can't fit your experience entirely into the ideas and analysis presented in the video. I am not a professional and just an ordinary person, so I will only offer my thoughts on the matter rather than any credible advice. I think it's important to understand the function of the guilt one is feeling, what purpose is it serving? Every emotion in humans has some function to serve, even if it's often misguided which ends up being detrimental. This is something that can be pondered on. Guilt is kind of like a psychological tool, and like any tool it isn't inherently good or bad, it's more important how it is being used, which can either be productive (to recognize you did something deemed wrong and then use the guilt as a tool to keep you from repeating the same or similar actions) or destructive (you use it to torture yourself for something you have done or felt, invalidating your own experience and the circumstances that led to said actions/feelings, this could be to satisfy some internal moral compass or to satisfy some internalized idea like you are not worthy of forgiveness or you deserve nothing but the guilt and contempt you are feeling just to name some generic examples). It could be useful to ask oneself, what am I (consciously or unconsciously) trying to acheive by feeling guilt? That could help as good first step into finding a way to either repurpose the guilt so it is more constructive rather than destructive or simply putting down the tool as it might not even bebnecessary to utilize anymore.
@@ThatCrazyKid0007 I'm not a professional either but I agree: these are stories TheraminTrees has crafted to best illustrate a point. They can be accurate depictions of real life, but whenever we tell a story we're choosing how to tell it - what framing, what message we want to emphasise, etc.. Next time you hear someone talk about a story from their childhood or past it can help to look at it this way. Why is this person telling this story? How do their aims affect the way they tell the story? Do they emphasise elements or cut out elements to make a point or to shorten the story for time? People understand and learn very well through story, it's our natural language as creative creatures trying to understand complex thoughts. And at the same time they can only tell so much. Life is very messy in a way that stories just aren't by nature of their telling. My parent says they can't remember their childhood probably due to trauma but why dwell on it if they're happy now. I don't agree with this, as such, but I also respect their decision since they are pretty happy and don't cause harm to themselves or others. We aren't our childhoods, anyway. We are affected by our environments but we are most influenced by the impact they leave on us. Siblings in the same environment may react differently, for instance. My sibling felt like our parent was cool and wanted to get to know them better but had hurt around them not being around much. I simply figured they were OK but mostly a stranger to me, so perhaps I was in a better place to get to know them better later in life. I don't resent my parents for how I was raised, but at the same time I don't expect them to provide things they historically have not provided. So I don't know - kids who were spoilt can react in very different ways and so grow up very differently to each other. I have been paranoid/anxious about doing things wrong or hurting others for as long as I can remember and only a few years ago my sibling mentioned that that might be because when messing around they would blame things on the younger siblings. So it could be due to that, who knows? In general seeing my siblings get in trouble or argue with my parents perhaps combined with my nature and (at the time undiagnosed) adhd and asd could have caused the same anxiety. But yes I have rambled somewhat. I agree with guilt being a tool - shame doesn't work for me at all and even guilt rarely does. Instead I think about what I would like for the future and try to see how to get there. People often learn best in a lasting way through enjoyment and happiness and in a safe environment according to what research I've seen - so I try to appeal to that in me.
i 100% relate, honestly this may have been one of the most relatable comments ive ever seen, in my case ive done things that should be shamed, but ive realised some things ive doe have either been shamed to harshly or have been incorrectly shamed from the start, i think its maynly about seeing how complex people are, the people who shame you are just people, they can shame you rightfully or wrongfully, which is something you can also do to them and yourself, i think the beast thing in these kinds of situations is to examine each thing diferently and come to a conclusion specifically for this situation
I experienced a sort of variation on “enduring the abuse of others.” I’ve always had a positive relationship with my mother, but one thing she did very early on that I think was damaging was talk shit about other people in front of me. sometimes acquaintances, sometimes complete strangers on the street. in particular she would often talk about how intellectually inferior they were, but there were also times when she’d point some complete stranger out to me and just say they were fat, poorly dressed, etc. sometimes in an almost gleeful tone.she would never in a million years have accused me of any of those things; in fact she praised me for being smarter and fitter and better behaved than other children. but I developed a sense that there was always someone watching and judging from the shadows, and it made me paranoid about how I was perceived by others; convinced that any misstep I made would be immediately obvious to everyone around me. my mother also rarely forbid me from doing things or shut down my contributions entirely, but would react with disappointment when I failed to get on her level intellectually (an impossible standard for a 4-6 year old). one of my earliest memories of shame was my mother’s disappointment about my interest in Barbie dolls. my best friend had about twenty and I wanted some of my own, but my mother had a feminist distaste for them. I was terrified to ask for one, tried to go sideways around her and ask my grandpa instead, but obviously she found out. I understand and even agree with her viewpoint now, but at the time I was too young to understand. I just wanted a pretty doll. I developed a neurosis about asking for toys and books because I was afraid my mother would think they were silly; she’d almost always let me have them but radiate disapproval the entire time. she did this less and less as I got older, probably because she became more mellow about her own insecurities and made peace with her childhood trauma, but social interactions continued to reinforce the sense of shame and judgment for me. I have a very hard time with it to this day.
Getting upset over a child's preference in toys is beyond inappropriate. It seems like some kind of mental complex had to be going on over gender politics. A responsible parent would explain in child-friendly terms why other toys are better, not force the kid to live in fear of outrage
Girl, I want you to go out and buy yourself the Barbie dolls you always wanted. I don’t care if you’re 100 years old, Barbie is awesome. I don’t think she deserves any of the hate she gets.
Oh my god thank you for writing your comment because it helped me realize this was how my dad was like growing up as well. He would disapprove of certain hobbies like dancing and it made me feel like I could never do those things. He also judged me for academics and choosing to go to a 'bad' high school when I was only 10. I am still so afraid of other people judging me for my interests and the things I like which has affected me making friends my whole life.
I remember I was looking at a nice pair of sunglasses online. I wasn’t going to buy them,I just thought they were nice to look at. My mom immediately said “Don’t be materialistic.” Like why does she always have to find a way to shoot down things that I enjoy? It is okay to like nice things! Its not like I am recklessly spending my money on stuff…
"With little power, comes little responsibility." That hit me. I'm currently healing from the pervasive feeling of powerlessness due to the abuse I experienced. And I've been aware that I am processing out a ton of shame for things that were never my fault. Saying affirmations to myself like, "I am not responsible for the darkness/evil of my abusers." And yet it hasn't all the way penetrated into my subconscious. It's getting there, but it's a slow process. I've found that having my intuitive healing journey reinforced by videos like this is really helpful to move the process forward. Thank you for this content!
This really is. The way the animation is edited (e.g. thoughtless turns in to thought and less) really drives home the subtle thigs that can happen in someone's psyche.
I was a heroin addict for 13 years, on hard drugs for 18 years. I struggle with so much shame. Then my natural self is extremely joyful and exuberant, I get shamed for that and feel I can't be my true self, but also can't numb the way I used to. I hate the things I did during those years, and I ruminate on those experiences and get absorbed in my shame. When u talked about Pavel, who used humor to cope, saying he was bad luck, I literally call myself bad luck lillie. I was felt responsible for the family problems as a kid too. You are so insightful. I'm sharing your video with my treatment group.
There's no shame in having struggled with addictions. Addictions are a form of escapism and finding something we lack in our lives. The problem is not that you had to use drugs, the problem was what were you trying to escape from or search for, that only a drug seemed to fulfill that. And invariably this comes from childhood. Watch stuff from Gabor Mate he talks a lot about this, might help you.
Beautiful message, and best wishes on your continued recovery! And oh man I relate to that so much, thinking about the things I did in active addiction and just being sucked into this bottomless pit of guilt, regret, and shame.
“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it…” The Big Book goes on to intimate, “No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
Just shed some tears reading your bad luck Lillie…hearing my grandparents “lovingly” call me “the master of disaster” my entire growing up. Even going so far as whenever I would blunder in their perception they’d say “well you’ve always been the master”
I really appreciate this video. Shame is one of the primary reasons why I procrastinate which in turn leads to more shame until I end up spending hours every day trying to calm my anxiety from shame. In turn, I get little sleep and push aside social interaction partially because I need time to catch up on work but also because I feel like I don't deserve these things when I'm not getting my work done. I've been working on this, but it can be difficult to explain to people what's going on, so it really helps to have someone put it into words. Thank you.
@@lanturn3239 I'm assuming that means you got over it after high school. If so I'm really glad to hear it! It's taking me a bit longer but I'm sure I'll get there eventually.
@@nahometesfay1112 not exactly over it, but I understood better what was going on and had more tools to combat it. things that are so ingrained don't just go away in an instant, so it's still something I'm working on, but I think high school was the peak since I didn't even understand what was wrong and I was just stuck.
TheraminTrees is one of a few channels that i always keep coming back to listen to its content again and again, thanks for everything and please keep it coming. Love and respect.
Are you kidding me? No Joke @theraminTrees talks me to sleep almost every night. He has his own playlist and i can tell how long I've been asleep based on where I am on that list
-Matter didn’t create anti matter -Anti matter didn’t create matter (Both of them were present at the time of big bang) -Both of them didn’t create themselves. -Both of them came from an unimaginable source, that unimaginable source created matter and antimatter (everything) thats why it is known as “the creator” of everything. ------ - that unimaginable source/creator has created sin and virtue which are opposite to each other, - logic says every action has its own reaction, so the reaction of sin must be different than the reaction of virtue, - the creator has created prophets to let us know about each and every detail of sin and virtue, also about their reactions, Thank you
This touched something deep in me. I have always been ashamed of every part of my existence. As a child I was constantly told I wasn't good enough. I believed that all the abuse happened because I just did not deserve a loving family. Now I'm trying to deconstruct all of the shame. Thank you so much for the video, it helps❤
"We'll accept you as long as you don't talk about that part of yourself". That resonates with me a lot, because I've been dealing with misophonia for some time now and my mother simply refuses to understand how I feel when there's sounds I don't like in the house, even saying one time I should move to my dad's house if I continued acting like that. And the worst part is that when she gets angry and screams at me, I can't do anything and I feel helpless. I wanted to get that out of my chest for quite a time, so that's a very well made video, it was really insightful.
This video has come at a very important time of my life, as I've just been diagnosed with ADHD at 18. It was usually my teachers that did the abuse, that I was lazy, unwilling to do work, that the reason I wasn't doing things was that I was doing it on purpose. It made me feel so stupid, when I'd simply forget homework and I got shamed in front of my peers and outcast. I genuinely thought for a long time that it was my fault. Thank you for this video, it's informative and helps me with thoughts of worthlessness.
I was diagnosed at 18 but never found out until 28. I don’t remember my schooling either but I’m sure a core part of the shame comes from that. It gets better! Good friends will help you weather the storm.
Funny that you'd come out of the void with a video about shame, just when I started realizing how much my anxieties and my stress have been molded by this feeling that has planted its seed so deep that all the fruits of its tree feel tainted by darkness.
I just wanted to thank you for your excellent work. It's been a huge help as I've been trying to remove myself from a lifetime in Mormonism. The abuse ends with me. My children will be free from this.
Watching a Theramin Trees video is exactly like having a rising storm suddenly pass, or the violent rocking of a boat settling to a calm sway. It's a window into a vision for a brighter future, and it's glorious. My never ending thanks to yourself, Dr Peterson and those like you who help us understand ourselves and better the world we navigate through.
One of my parent's tools to control me was using this phrase "we're so disappointed in you!" Not in my behavior, but in the essence of me. Years of hearing this imbued me with a deep shame of not ever feeling good enough. I've become aware of it and have worked on bringing the shame into the fresh air, feeling it, challenging it and forgiving it. It has greatly reduced within me, but on occasion I'm shown that there are still remnants to excavate. Of all the emotions, I can attest that for me, shame is just the most deeply hurtful and debilitating.
Just this last year, at 32 years old, I realized that I was ashamed of myself and avoided my own identity for most of my life. I was verbally abused by a romantic partner as a teenager, with a great deal of sniping and belittling (your example of setting impossible standards was exactly it). That only compounded the problem though; it started in childhood. After dropping out of college because I became unable to leave the house for a while, I spent ten years of my life just surviving, avoiding real intimacy or self-reflection, basically just waiting to die. If it hadn't been for my girlfriend now, who always tries to build me up and encourage me, I don't know if I ever would have realized how much shame was driving my behaviour. It had never made sense to me before. I've always been the type of person who tries to help people in my orbit, taking on their problems and stresses to ignore my own, and I would get involved with people because of that urge. I got into relationships with a few other abuse victims. I'm good at building people up. But once things were getting better for them personally... inevitably the relationship would fall apart because I would begin to feel overwhelmed. Every little thing I did that I perceived as a mistake meant more and more, and I would have anxiety attacks where I would be extremely angry and hateful towards myself. I would keep it hidden, but then something would trigger me and I would break off the relationship, thinking it was better for them that way. Sometimes I would lash out at them, which in retrospect was just to prove to myself and to them that I REALLY AM as bad as I think I am. I managed to figure this out by making an effort to analyze myself and my behaviour, with help and support from my other half. Some of your videos helped clarify a lot of things, for which I am extremely grateful. That level of shame is so insidious. It destroys your identity. I barely know who I am because I hated to even look. I'm working on it now, but it's only beginning.
Over the years I've been involved with a support group for ex-Jehovah's Witnesses, I have used many of these videos to help our members discover and understand what they've been through that has led them to where they are and why they feel the way they do. This video unlocks how the Organisation's use of social isolation - or shunning - works on those who have recently disengaged from this harmful religion. Thank you for taking the time to provide understandable explanations for the complex issues that people encounter in their lives. As my late father used to say: "You are worth your weight in rocking-horse poop! " Believe me... it's high praise!
Great Video! I always say they should teach manipulation in school if they really want to prepare you for life. Its so prevalent and counter manipulation is so important for thriving.
I feel almost constant shame. It’s always in the back of my head, in all my social interactions. Everyone feels like they’re better off and doing better than me. I’m not really jealous of people who are richer or more successful- when I see an individual who’s well settled mentally and and has a confident inner voice, then I’m jealous coz I always wished I was like that. Whenever I mess up I hear my parents voice going ‘why didn’t you think’ - and feel ashamed the rest of the day or days even. When I make a mistake or wrong I can’t handle it and feel supremely embarrassed. I want to just hide and not talk to anyone. Even if people are nice and friendly to me I can’t make eye contact, I feel I’m a screw up and not worth it .
I'm sorry you feel like that. I'm pretty much in the same boat, depression caused by shame since I remembered being abused 43 years ago. Never told anyone until last year when things got really bad. And I had to go into hospital. Parents recently accused me of having depression to 'punish' them for not protecting me from my abuser. Sure, like I would willingly do this to myself out of spite?😢
I come to this channel often to to remind myself of how insidious abuse is if it's left unrecognized. I often don't recognize the abuse myself because of my upbringing in abusive toxic family. I was also attacked for "finding excuses" aka defending myself so self trust in my judgement was undermined too. Feeling "fundamentally wrong" is my default stance and when I'm in the midst of public shaming, it becomes even harder for me to get out of that paradigm. Feeling of shame is overwhelming and taking over my thoughts. That's why I find your channel so essential for me, I keep a link close by just in case I'm in the midst of it. You actually opened my eyes on so many flavours of abuse that I wasn't previously aware of. Jeez I also look for youtubers similar to me, people that have left the toxic family etc. that still have very raw feelings about it. I find that cathartic somehow. Thank you so much for your work! Oh you have no idea!
I love this channel so much, you taught me a lot about human psychology and I can't thank you enough. I hope you are doing well, it's the eid today and Ramadan is over and I have been struggling the entire month trying to live a double life but your videos help ease my pain. Again thank you so so much for doing the work you do.
Hey. Today was Eid here too. I had to go to the mosque this morning to attend the Eid prayers. I didn't join in though, I found a secluded spot not far from the crowd and stayed there until all was over. Fortunately for me, although I live in a Muslim majority country where one is pressurized to conform, I have a wife who shares my views. The month was not really hard on us because we did whatever we liked inside the confines of our home. However, we were careful not to publicly show our dissent. I hope you are doing well. You are not alone.
@@branan6935 having support of any form can help. I'm on the spectrum of autism and for my entire life I thought I was a good for nothing human being, I misunderstood a lot of things and people treated me like 4 year old while expecting me to function like an adult. We don't function like "normal" people do and we have high sensitivity to things that don't bother others much. It's very difficult for me to interact with others because of fear of rejection and shame of not being good enough, I struggle with low self-esteem issues and my autism makes it more difficult to handle social situations.
@@shaxjack4717 Living in a society like ours is hard enough for someone who does not have any hampering condition, let alone someone with autism. People in our societies do not seek to understand people as they are. They only try to quickly put a label on you, so that they can categorize you in a certain group that already exists in their mind. If you don't fit in any of them, they just call you craazy and dismiss you.
I got another possible source of shame for you: physical disability. For me, that took the shape of accepting that I would be unfit for a relationship and, as other ventures proved far less fulfilling than I had hoped, unfit for life. Now in my late twenties, I'm left without any friends, without any experience at all regarding relationships and with no clear path forward other than a few vague plans of what I want to do once I manage to buy my own place to live. Thank you for making this video. It has given me a lot of food for thought until my next session.
I have a similar experience, but no physical disability, just bad at sports. You know the trope of being picked last? I would be left out entirely, even if the teams were uneven. No one wanted me, even as a last resort.
When I was growing up, I was told shame is just God telling you that you shouldn’t Be doing what your doing. It always placed blame for already feeling shame, even if I didn’t know why. This really messed with me growing up. More people need this kind of education
I’m not sure why but tears started to flow as I watched the video. I realized that the ways in which I was reprimanded were never constructive, always targeted something wrong with the essence of my being rather than the action and thoughts behind my mistakes. Thank you for this video. Edited for spelling
Thank you brother :(( i struggle with toxic shame every day even though i moved out from my toxic parents long ago. This video is like a hug from someone who understands.
I'm almost at the end of the video and I gotta say - top-tier content once again! This made me understand why/how I feel shame if I develop feelings for an individual. Childhood bullying where me liking someone was considered a joke, unwanted and almost a capital offence. Not very healthy for a child to grow up feeling as if they are affected by some sort of illness that others have to steer away. Hopefully I'll get better at some point.
I was abused until I was 20+ years. At 29 I had my first so called boyfriend. I was starting university. Yes, late bloomer due to my circumstances, my family trying to sabotage my application process each year, etc. I had an awakening, recovered from eating disorder at 29 and started feeling hopeful. Unfortunately I met a guy who was a malignant narcissist. He would shout at me that I don’t have human value. That I am a worse person than everyone else. He would shout things like ” Stop!! Stop!!” Out of the blue at me for no reason. When I asked “stop what??” He told me to stop existing. That I don’t have the right to exist. He really dug into my wounds that I was trying for years to heal. When I questioned what he was saying he shouted that I’m just imagining things because I’m insane. I’ve tried for years to heal. By cutting off contact with every bully. Trying to cut contact with my family although it’s impossible because my father is a stalker. And I wanted to see my mother again. She’s like his prisoner. And she’s unwell. Anyway. One piece at a time one foot forward towards healing. However, life is hard so more and more wounds build up. There are moments when I don’t feel this toxic shame. I’ve understood human rights. Human rights are good to lean on when you feel toxic shame over your very being. However, I always feel that I’m unlovable.
This came out on the exact day I needed. Thank you. You are my favourite person on the internet. You have actually saved my life multiple times. I'm so glad you're making videos.
Mental health professionals that help people like this are truly treasures. You are able to do such amazing things. Sadly i could not do the same, as even in the video examples i was getting too invested in the people and their stories. I highly respect those in the proffesion.
Oh man, I needed to hear this so badly today! I keep berating myself for still shying away from difficult tasks, even after getting onto medication that makes them easier - but so often it's the voices of people who used to shame me still echoing in my head and making it harder for me to do the right thing. Thank you so much for this.
I'm only 5 mins in but I have never heard anything as powerful as this in all the decades of searching for answers. I will have to do this in small chunks because my heart is pounding and the tears are tearing at my eyes.
I related to this description of shame so much that my eyes teared up. but I also related to the abusers, the cruel people who've picked apart other people as an expression of insecurity, maybe an externalization of the internalized shame that I learned. I've grown past it and realized that I was sadistic and cruel and that that's not the person I want to be, but it was a lot harder to get past shame (and the negative social habits attached to it) when I had things that I SHOULD really have been ashamed of - bullying, belittling, poking fun at what I perceived to be other people's weaknesses. I hope when we have this conversation, we can talk about how shame is passed down, and how some people who are responsible for other people's malignant shame may just be the product of the abusive environment that they grew up in as well. a small percentage of them might have the seed of self-awareness to overcome it, and maybe more likely if they're approached empathetically and compassionately. not saying that abused people are responsible for saving their abusers or anything so extreme, but in some cases there might be opportunities to help them overcome their emotional hangups too.
People like you are rare in my experience. Congratulations for being honest with yourslef and for the courage it took to admit some of the things to yourself and decide to do better! You re a good person
I understand now when people say, "This ____ changed my life." I say this because I believe this video changed my life, regardless of how "big" or "small" the change might seem to myself or others. All that inwardly-projected responsibility for the perversions of "guardians" has created in me an inner dialect of sorts, as if I downloaded my abusers' rhetoric and thinking for my own. I can't express enough how much this resonates and, despite not feeling ready for another series of therapy sessions at this point in my life, find that these videos help me journal and parse my past traumas with the critical thinking of an informed adult, as opposed to, at the time, a scared and confused child. Thank you.
When I was a child, my mom would tell me that my place in society was either jail or death. I’m 30 now and I don’t fit into society, I spent half my 20s in mental hospitals and I can’t keep a job. I hope there is a special place in hell for parents who hurt their children.
One question I hated hearing from my therapist was that she would constantly ask me "Why do you think that's shamefull etc." It was not a problem but then she constantly started asking it. If I was talking about something bad that happened and I felt shamefull, she would ask it. She was a really great person but this got on my nerves. Only now I realize that she was just trying to show me that asking for help isn't something to be ashamed of. (Edit: spelling mistakes)
'Why' is a volatile word in the therapy setting. Many training courses highlight how it often comes across, intentional or not, as semi-accusatory - as if the client needs to justify themselves. Students are often invited to think of other ways to express their thoughts to clients.
@@TheraminTrees That's amazing. I'm always impressed when I get to peek behind the curtain and find out how full of intentionality therapy is. I have a lot of respect for the professionals of the field because it must take so much training to be able to speak that way.
I hate myself for not knowing the skills that will help me cope. Then I hate myself for hating myself, knowing this will only hold me back. Then I sigh, how am I ever going to make it? Life is to heavy and my memories cant be removed. I stay alive for my aunt and my mom. They would be so sad. I feel thankful for their love. I hope I overcome the shame. I deserve love
this applies so well to my situation. I have never worked a day in my life. and after moving to a new place, I landed on a service position job. I am constantly shamed by my coworkers because of how slow I am learning on the job and making a lot of mistakes. Like this scenario where I still haven't memorize everything after working five weeks, and I was compared to another coworker that memorize everything he had to do in just 3 days. This job had stressed me out so much, sometimes I would cry on the job and no one would notice because I hide it well.
came back to me a year and a half later, right when i needed it. set me on my journey to not submit to my cycle of self loathing and shaming pretty close to when it first came out. thankfully, youtube knew to recommend it to me again right as i was starting to fall back into submitting and compromising. godspeed to all of yall working through internalized and malignant shame. and thank you to the people help who support us through it
Wow, this is an incredible video, and together with reading the comments I am in tears. I've been discovering for the last year that the shaming I experienced in school is something I still carry with me to this day, specially as someone with adhd I received a lot of rejection from my peers growing up that I didn't even understand. For most of my adult life (I am now 29) I subconsciously have hidden everything about myself. Never talking about anything I liked, or did, or experienced. I've felt so afraid of anyone knowing who I really am and then rejecting me, so it's easier to never let anyone know me at all. I am still on my path to healing and thankfully I have a wonderful loving family to help me on the way.
Bro when Pavil said “It wasn’t my fault” I didn’t a little fist pump and whispered “yessssss” hahaha I’m so glad he had a girlfriend who cared and was able to bring himself to go to therapy
shame is the one tool that my abusive ex was able to use against me to gain control. the abuse i endured made me vulnerable to them because i spiraled into shame when i left them, despite it being the right thing to do, and they used it to say i was the abuser. that if i really was abused, why was i so ashamed of myself? i MUST have done something wrong, right? no. obviously not looking back at it, but during my abuse recovery they genuinely made me believe i became the thing i hated. and it almost killed me. not going into detail this is the simplest and shortest summary of that whole situation, but again, its shame making me feel the need to justify the abuse i endured. thanks, mom. you really did a good job trying to kill me, but you didnt succeed.
Man... I really needed this. I grew up in an extremely religious environment because my young parents at the time felt it would be good to get involved with a church if they were to have kids. I was taught that the world is black and white. There is good and evil. Right and wrong. Sin and righteousness. As I got older I realized that is, of course, not the case. But those feelings - that I am sinning, that I am being watched by an invisible man, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that I will die and go to hell, those feelings never went away. I suppose at least acknowledging these feelings is the first step. I really need to look into therapy but I am so scared to share these feelings with anyone else.
this video brought me to tears. i have lots of shame, growing up in an extremely abusive household, posed to be he golden child then replaced when my sibling was born because i was just not good enough, they had to try again
i’ve struggled with shame so much growing up, especially put on me as a trans person and from the school system as someone who wouldn’t conform. i’ve been searching for answers, unable to distinguish my own values from what others believe is right or wrong. in a lot of ways, it’s consumed me. i truly can’t thank you enough for this video. thank you for guiding me onto my own path💖💖💖
I've been watching your videos since the very early days, probably somewhere around ten years. But this. This is the video that really hit home for me. I'm terrified of inconveniencing or upsetting people because of an intense feeling of shame when it happens, to the point where I prefer to not speak or let my presence known at all (much to the chagrin of some of my friends).
I used to be a pretty happy cheerful guy. But after years of being exposed to people (authority figures, my parents, friends, and even my own wife) who emotionally abandoned me, ignored my relationship needs, and would never negotiate with me, and always push me into corners where I was forced to capitualte.. I'm now at a point where even the smallest conflict triggers a storm of rage in me because I don't know how else to be. I cannot leave. I cannot be heard. Nothing I do works. Rage is the onky response I have now. It's either rage or utter despair and I'm so tired of both. And I never uses to be this way. And even my own wife, the person who is supposed to be supportive of me, accuses me of being fundamentally flawed when I know I'm not. It's the worst feeling I've ever felt.
I needed this more than I could have possibly known. The degradation and surreptitious abuse I’ve suffered in my life has thrown me into a deep cycle of malignant shame that I’m happy to say I feel I’ve begun to escape from.
My mother was always critical of me, so much so it was “normal”, my Dad had left and ended parental duties/interaction when they divorced when I was 11. Between a mother who couldn’t say anything nice or supportive and an absent father I grew up feeling erased. Without realizing it. I’ve got a balanced side, thanks to all the attention and buddy role my dad did give me before he just unplugged from being a parent. He had retired early and I hung out with him a lot and learned things from his hobbies and I helped out. So I ended up with a mix. I’m almost ok but not really. Used to feel as if I had no “personality”, a blank, but that other people had personalities. It was weird. I’ve got Neptune rising close to my ascendant line in my birth chart, which also explains nebulousness. A father’s role in a daughters life is enormously important. I read that we get impressions that carry over to our spouses and BF’s. For instance if your father valued you and treated you well, you’ll expect the same from a BF or spouse. True enough, I grew up without knowing I should expect to be valued.
Recognizing shame tactics is the first step to healing. Otherwise you end up avoidant or antagonistic and resort to shaming tactics yourself. It's sad but often times victims sometimes become the perpetrators in order to survive. You either tolerate being shamed or resort to shaming others. Resisting shame is hard but accepting it means you can never be emotionally available for someone who really needs and deserves it. It makes sense because once you accept shame, you can no longer protect someone else from it. It becomes a fact of life. That's probably why shame is such a strong control tactic. Makes you want to revisit 1984 by Orwell.
I live in Florida. My mother abandoned me when I was 17 to live with my grandfather in New Hampshire and for her to get married in Florida. She was a constant source of malignant shame. He died 4 years ago when I was 26 and I felt I had nowhere to go but Florida with her. That codependency led me to an entire society in this state that revolves around a culture of malignant shame. It's... going to be an uphill battle to escape it.
I’ll never be able to get over how great this channel is. I look forward to every video even tho I’ve only been around for a year or so. Thank you for the great video, this one helped me quite a lot. I’ve made some mistakes that have been looked extremely down upon and I’ve internalized too much of it. I might need to listen to this one more than once
tw oversharing abuse online bc nobody irl to speak to lol 25:35 hit so close to home. i have a brother with cancer who did the same thing. everyone treats him like an angel who can do no wrong, so lucky to have him around, so grateful he's alive. when i told my parents what he did i was treated like i ruined everything. they said the same types of things, that it was innocent play, just experimentation, that i was making up how bad it got, that i initiated it with wearing something suggestive, because how could their precious firstborn son, who had survived cancer so far, their little miracle, do such a thing. i was seven when it started, how would i have known the little gray sweatpants my mom bought me would have lead on my older brother? what even was "leading on?" was i an experiment subject, nothing more than his plaything, a lab rat? for years theyve tried to hurry me to move out because of what *i did* by telling them. i ruined the peace of the home by speaking up. everyone else's comfort and peace was the price of coming forward. getting rid of me is their only solution, because how could they abandon their precious pedophile firstborn, their poor cancer-ridden baby. i am moving out this year to a ranch in the middle of nowhere, far away from everyone, where they can pretend i never existed. they can pretend nothing ever happened and the family's lives will be fixed.
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