@@Hannelore712 the only thing that comforted me was I listened to the Bible on RU-vid when I wasn’t busy working. At home and in my car I constantly listened and learned about the Bible. I began praying daily . I still do. God comforts me.
HE WILL SEE I PROMISE!!! My kids are grown and since I have never ever participated in alienation behaviors even though I was a target of parental alienation, now they see it clear as day!! They will remember who offered them a peaceful environment free to love both of their parents
The same for me and I have been denied all access to my children. You are not alone but research is increasing and hopefully, soon we will be able to get our children back. They are also now talking about categorising Parental Alienation as child abuse.
@Common Sense Learn energy healing. It worked for me. There is a reason people are spiteful and hateful. Dr. Hew Len is a good place to start. Good Luck
It's as if the moment you end a relationship with a woman she instantly hates you. It doesn't matter all the good you did. So now having kids, she uses those kids as weapons against you. I'm going through that right now and I don't wish it on any one
Thank you Jennifer, the pain is everyday and never ending. The rare moments I get to hear or see my son are mixed feelings. I get excited to see or hear something about him, but then the pain of every thing comes back to the surface. And the greatest pain is knowing the cycle will continue. Knowing, this problem is everywhere an nothing is being done, knowing my son will probably have the same issues in his life and will either be the alienator or the alienated. Sending prayers and love to all who suffer this horrible abuse, especially the children who are involved.
Research energy healing to get your son back. I learned it and it works. My kids were alienated against me and I could not even find them for 10 years. They turned out like their Dad's family because they inherited his negative family energy. I did it. It is very cheap to learn and very effective. Good Luck
my son was taken away from me 10 years ago i cANNOT COPE . WHO HELPED YOU. MY EX TOOK HIM TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY AND CAME BACK TO THE US BUT US WANTED HIM TO STAY WITH THE FATHER
It isn't about gender bias, it's mental illness. My ex husband has Borderline Personality Disorder and did a pretty good job alienating me from my children. Fathers try to alienate the same rate Mothers do.
Parental alienation and high conflict divorce is often the result of the alienating parent having a psychological/personality disorder. Very hard to discern even by therapist but until family Courts start making custody decisions based on the findings by therapists that one parent is disordered, this problem will be a never ending cycle as the disordered parent could very well be allowed to create the next generation of disordered, abusive and alienating parents (i.e. their children).
Yeah my ex wife has been diagnosed with bipolar syndrome, I've not seen my girls 8 &10 for two years now she only contacts me regarding money everything else is ignored.
This is so true. I was a great dad and had a great relationship with my kids. I am the alienated parent and powerless to do anything about it. It’s been 9 years since my children have spoken to me. The government of Canada and Ontario have indicated the family law system is broken but after 18 years as the Chief Justice of Canada, Beverly Maclaughlin has done nothing and now as she retires we sing her praises. The office of the children’s lawyer appointed a dud lawyer and the who,e system is a joke. He did nothing except make the kids say which parent they preferred and she had already started her game so I never stood a chance although I fought for them and have joint custody. This assisted my ex in her alienation process. The family counselling ordered by the court never happened because the ex alienated me from the children and they refused to take part or give consent to have counselling with me because the kids were over 12 years old a year after a year of separation and could withdraw, which enabled the alienating parent further. I always paid my child support, section 7 expenses and alimony on time and in full and gave up the house all our assets and I took all the debt. My kids believe that I have not supported them or th is mother and all our former friends and neighbors believe that too despite my pleas. My bio kids are men now. They emailed a few lines over the years to insult me and basically spit on me. I am only a wallet to them and I have no rights as a father in this province. My second wife is also divorced and is the opposite of my ex. I helped raise her bio kids and they are my kids too and adults now and we have a great relationship. We always encouraged them to spend time and respect their bio father who is a fantastic man and we all get along. There is no animosity. How can there be such a difference? One person who is committed to the cause can manipulate the whole process in order to effect some form of revenge and power and use children as the weapon. This is family law in Canada especially Ontario.
Wow. This it tough, Bill. I'm also an alienated dad, we should call ourselves AD and form a club. lol. Jokes apart, what you went through is basically the zeitgeist of the current western society. I live in Brazil, and face the same kind of difficulties in being with my son. Society is on a trend of empowering women regardless of their character. They are treated like cops in my country, their word has the presumption of truth. It is true until proven otherwise, while men are lying until they painstakingly stack evidence on top of evidence to finally convince he was saying the truth. To say this system creates assymetrical conflicts is an understatement. I myself feel like I'm not paying child support, but a penalty or restitution without any claim to rights for myself.
I have a very similar situation and gave her EVERYTHING including $ 2000 usd monthly until my only child graduated from college in 10 years. My daughter thinks her mom paid for college and the vacations and travel. I got total disrespect and considered the ATM. GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE ELSE WHO GETS ABUSED BY YOUR JUSTICE SYSTEM and falsely accused of domestic violence and arresting officers believed her lies-
On my case I had 22 Judges to fight the system in Ontario to no avail. 15 years later still haven't seen my daughters and the one son shows up to talk and was telling me all false information. He is so twisted that I can't handle to see him.
I basically have had the exact experience in Ontario's system. The OCL is just as corrupt as the courts and CAS. They've done more harm than good. I fear taking our case back to court. CAS won't even speak with my son, at his request, as to why he doesn't want to see dad, what happens there, etc. Despite always having sole custody, dad having limited parenting access due to refusal of treatment and other factors, and the father having criminal DV charges against myself- the narrative he pushes of me being vindictive and alienating is accepted as truth and all the valid safety concerns are dismissed as being malicious. It's painful seeing your kid have an emotional breakdown every month when dads two days are due. The system is abusing children just as much as these parent. When did a parents rights become more important than a child's? It isn't a mystery why our society is so sick and broken. Its created to produce a sick and broken population. Forcing a child to have an abusive unwanted relationship where they feel unsafe and afraid is setting them up for a lifetime of illness and trauma.
There should be charges brought up on the people who do this I'm a mother of two sons and this was done to me for twenty years by the father of my sons
I am an alienated parent......twice now and can say that it is the mother that causes it, but I would be remiss to do so as it can be done by either parent, even though the courts tend to always side with the mothers.
@@NShivadas2023 I am an alienated parent, and it is my son's father who is keeping my son from speaking to me. So it's not just mother's who do this.... Narcissistic behavior can be found in men and woman...
I overheard a group of young men talking in the gym this week. All of them were in agreement with each other that they're not having children due to the risk of parental alienation and crippling child support payments. This video was put on here 6 years ago and absolutely nothings changed. I haven't seen my children in 7 years and may never have a relationship with them again. How is that right?
Happening to me...Courts and Attorneys could CARE LESS!!! Everyone is like: "...just wait it out, the kids will come around". Well...F*CK THAT!!!! Some dads don't want to wait 2 years, 5 years, 10 years for them to "come around". It's soooo messed up. Literally NOTHING worse than a Mom who hates a father more than she loves her own children...
This is a MeToo for me. You do feel like your child has died, while they are still alive. Anyone who alienates a child from their other parent without cause, is a sociopath and does not deserve children.
I have not seen my kids in 12 years. if one parent wants to alienate the child from the other there is no way to stop it. Only thing that can be done is to remove the child from contact with the alienator.
It definitely happens both ways. Unfortunately the truth in Australia is that an accusation alone of abuse of any kind will get a man instantly removed from the home and only get supervised visits until court proceedings happen which takes months to years. If you are found guilty of a false accusation. You should be jailed. Either mother or father. The goal is to destroy the other's life, the punishment should be damage to yours.
That’s exactly what happened to me...I ended up having a nervous breakdown...and my ex husband took the opportunity to ride it out...I was forced to go to the hospital just to make sure I wasn’t going to harm myself or anyone...I had called at hotline and they called the police....I was told they were just going to do a medical screening and go home....I was crying because I was worried about my daughter my ex husband married a career woman and he had all the money to fight me....now it’s been two years since I’ve seen my daughter...oh and I was involuntarily committed without seeing a judge or dr or screener...I’m traumatized but I started back on track better then ever...so I should be seeing my daughter again soon...
Im sorry that this is happening. I dont have the words to express exactly how difficult and painful your struggle must be. I have a similar struggle... It hasnt gotten any easier. I hope you are alright. Do you have any support atm? Anyone to talk to?
This is my life and I need help! I have lost my son. He is 16 and choose to live with his dad. We had such a great relationship.before. I stayed home and did everything with them. My son believes I have abused him. He hates me now. He is so full of hate and rage. I couldn’t get help before as there was no proof of abuse on me. I have lost so many friends to his lies. I’m trying my best with the younger two but they are showing some signs now.
it is not just the mom's that do that... What about when the alienating parent is the non custodial father? Who was also abusive to the mother... and makes the children beleive that is the mother's fault that the children are not with him all the time anymore, etc..
Thank you for this talk. my ex-husband has done just this after 7 years of divorce. I was primary custodian and he had open access to our children. I never denied him and encouraged my children to develop their relationship with him - as difficult as it was for everyone. He had me declared mentally incompetent and got full custody of our children two years ago. He shared the court ruling with the children. My oldest daughter believes it; my youngest doesn't. I see them both struggling about who to believe and my oldest has been diagnosed with anxiety attacks and is very angry with me; my youngest bottles up her emotions and thoughts. I got clinically depressed. I'm working through that and trying to rebuild my relationship with my children. I have been deemed an unfit mother in a society and culture where motherhood is a badge of honour . "Friends" have been lost and gossip is rife. I working on rebuilding my relationship with my daughters and it's difficult. I can't keep defending myself against his lies to them. I'm a Kenyan mother living in Kenya. I don't profess to have been a perfect parent - I had a normal relationship with my daughters - good and bad times. Parental alienation is not recognised in Kenya - the legal system makes its rulings based on 'one right-one wrong' basis. It's a difficult and painful time.
Thank you Jennifer Harman for speaking on this topic and for recognizing that the culture and social systems sanction parental alienation. We would just like to add that the court systems sanction and empower parental alienation as well.
I hope this help you. To All Concerned, There are established facts that are not subject to interpretation that have been ignored within the system and have subsequently allowed for a cycle of pathogenic parenting to thrive throughout the government and supportive systems. A case of parental alienation only stems from narcissist/borderline personality disorder in the alienating parent. Although not every person with this type of psychopathology will engage in this behaviour, normal parents have the intrinsic understanding and empathy for their children to know that their children's bond with both parents is crucial to their well-being. Even when the other parent is problematic, they will still support their children's relationship with the other parent. Only with a narcissist/borderline parent and their fear of abandonment, anger, resentment and revengeful wishes with which they handle loss, lack of ambiguity and a reactivation of their own unresolved childhood trauma do we see high conflict separations and the pathogenic toll it has on children. Their fears and need to avoid collapse into dysregulation are so primal that even truth and reality are forfeit to their internal struggle. This results in pathogenic processes of manipulation and exploitation of the children's authentic, natural bond and experiences with the other parent by way of distortions, delusions and the signaling of the children to fear the targeted parent. Those tactics have the exact same traumatizing effect on the children as if they really happened. It is the same process every time, the children never claim that there was any sort of coercion and the effects on children are devastating and invariably cause the development of lifelong, debilitating traits that wreak havoc on society. This is all supported within a system that claims to understand the need and importance of both parents in a child's healthy development yet refuses to acknowledge the facts surrounding this all too common occurrence allowing for a multitude of measures that can easily be employed to keep the other parent from being able to be with their children. The fear tactics, stress and role-reversal relationship between child and pathogenic parent are strong enough to nullify custody arrangements as the children refuse to spend time with the targeted parent. This is misinterpreted by professionals as representing a legitimate threat from targeted parent when it is, in fact, an indication of the insecure attachment they have with the alienating parent. Token measures of a third-party access center are still dependent on the cooperation of the pathogenic parent who will do anything to maintain the children's developed 'victimized role' and keep the other parent from having the opportunity to dispel it. Court orders have to be sought while having the impossible task of proving a negative for the targeted parent of "I am not an abusive parent" while the pathogenic parent puts forth a coalition of mental health professionals and child welfare advocates who are neglectful of the fact that, to a child, both parents have a unique and irreplaceable function for their normal development and to work to remove a parent from their lives causes irrevocable harm. Clinical diagnostic indicators of the same narcissistic/borderline personality disorder traits are seen in the decisions and actions of these supposed professionals or their supervisors as well: lack of empathy and a lack of ambiguity, whereas they also portray the targeted parent as all-bad and the pathogenic parent as all-good which is a delusional thought process rendering these professionals as incapable of objectivity and, subsequently, unsuited to hold any position that can affect the lives of others in such a profound way as they cannot help but function within the dictates of their psychopathology. This is how parental alienation has been allowed to thrive and take root within the next generation all supported by a system claiming to support the bond between both parents but whose inaction and empowering of pathogenic parenting renders it all as nothing but rhetoric. A child rejecting a parent is not a normal circumstance and should immediately be seen as the result of a narcissistic/(borderline) parent as has been established and accepted amongst all experts in the field. This is categorized in the DSM-5 as code V995.51 child psychological abuse as per Dr. Craig Childress in his book Foundations: An Attachment-Based Model of Parental Alienation (ISBN # 978-0-9961145-0-9) Narcissitic/borderline parents cause: Suppression of normal-range attachment bonding where a child is forced to lose a parent Narcissistic personality traits developing within the children created by the pathogenic parent Implanting of psychiatric delusions within the children which have the same deleterious effects as if the distorted or delusional events actually happened. Along with other easily observable traits exclusive to children in this situation, there are five clinical diagnostic indicators that are displayed by children which are the resulting narcissistic personality symptoms which are induced by the pathogenic/alienating parent as described in DSM-5: Grandiosity: the child acts empowered over the targeted parent judging their competency as both a person and a parent (DSM-5 Narcissistic Personality Disorder criterion 1) Entitlement: If the targeted parent fails to meet the child's entitled expectations then the child feels entitled to enact punishment of parental failures (DSM-5 Narcissistic Personality Disorder criterion 5) Absence of Empathy: The child displays a complete absence of empathy for the emotional pain being inflicted on the targeted parent by the child's hostility and rejection of this parent. (DSM-5 Narcissistic Personality Disorder criterion 7) Haughty an Arrogant Attitude: The child displays an attitude of haughty arrogance and contemptuous disdain for the targeted-rejected parent (DSM-5 Narcissistic Personality Disorder criterion 9) Splitting: The supposedly 'favoured' parent is idealized as all-good and nurturing parent while the rejected parent is entirely devalued as the all-bad and entirely inadequate parent (DSM-5 Borderline Personality Disorder criterion 2) Until we accept the fact that only narcissists/(borderline) parents alienate their children, address their governing psychopathology and that which is prevalent in the system, and provide concrete and powerful methods for reunification of targeted parents that is not designed to bankrupt them into giving up their parental rights then the government and supporting institutions are complicit in the trans-generational propagation of a psychological disorder. It is all too easy for the cycle of pathogenic parents with no empathy even for their own children who, in that environment, have to regulate their parent, are merely trophies of victory over the other parent, and are rewarded with narcissistic indulgences and privileges designed to make up for the loss of love, care and guidance from a normal-range, affectionally available target parent to continue. This has to stop. Children do not reject parents. Thank-you for your attention to this matter.
I am a Mother of three children and we are victims of parental alienation. I stand for us parents and the children it affects every day. Here is is to breaking generational curses.
I don’t think I agree with this. I think the court needs to take each case for what it is and not blanket a 50/50 custody. I think she is making more stereotypes by stating custody issues only occur in divorce, umm there are quite a few cases where there was no marriage and most of those legit the dad bails, off the top of my head I literally know of 8 dads (personally)that bailed and have no desire to see their kids, all weren’t married when the child was born. I also know of one who keeps fighting for custody but when the child visits him he passes the child off the what ever relative is visiting or living with them bc they want to hurt the mother. I think parents who are in and out of a child’s life or simply a bad parent are far more detrimental to a child’s emotional and psychological well being then an absent one.
I’m the child in this case and this video explains exactly what’s happening to me 😭 my moms also suffering a lot unfortunately, I hope she feels better. I’ll never hate her even though the words sometimes get into my head. She’s lost multiple friends and people she knows simply because my dad decides to talk about her to EVERYONE, literally everyone in the world.
It is a complicated problem. As Dr. Harman says, prejudices play a big role in causing the alienation. However, another way to look at it is that people with personality disorders are especially motivated to utilize and exploit prejudices and stereotypes. I think it is good that Dr. Harman discussed shared parenting. It is a very important objective. But parents who are psychologically disturbed will not let a shared parenting order stop them from destroying the child's relationship with the targeted parent. Recommended reading is Foundations by Craig Childress.
Thank you for this. My abusive ex husband claimed that I had a mental illness and that, even though I had three negative drug tests, a drug addict. The Corporal from the RCMP domestic violence unit told me that he is a sociopath narcissist when I asked him why he continues to make my life hard. I was making progress and had my three children every other week in the summer. He hated that. So he accused me of hitting our 12 year old son. The judge said I was only allowed supervised visits with someone my ex approved. He won't approve anyone. Not even himself. It's been over five years since I've seen my children 😢
realcanadiangirl64 My heart goes out to you I've been through similar situations. My ex has also turned our boy's against me & my family. My boy's haven't had anything to do with me for several year's now. My 13yr old is struggling so bad:( My heart aches daily
Jennifer.... I contacted Dr. Richard Gardener in 1995 when the abuse started. I knew what they where doing but I couldn’t stop it & the Courts & attorneys had no clue about PAS. Mine was major & dangerous. I was scared for my life even. I would love to help with your research so that this can stop destroying life’s!
We are an ONG from Argentina that work against alienation and to promote a shared childhood. Your video is just great to help parents and make all this visible. The needed video for this era.
thank you for this video, I've been going through this for the past 2 years. I am supposed to see my son twice a week and 3 hours each time. My sons father does not respond to setting up visitations for a month or more at a time, shows up once and then refuses to show up for an undetermined amount of time. My mother has my daughter and has for 2 years telling me, she doesn't want to talk to you. I haven't heard my daughters voice for 1 year tomorrow on her 9th birthday. I have not seen her since right before her 7th birthday and have travelled twice to the state she is in with my mother refusing to let me see her. The pain I go through every day is indescribable. I fear every day what serious damage is being done to my children's mental well being. I raised my daughter on my own for 5 years then met my sons father and left my career to stay home with the kids. I can't imagine what my daughter thinks or is being told about me. Something needs to change to where this is not happening to parents and kids. Please if you know of this happening please stand up for what is right. all those who have watched me go through this don't say anything to the other parties because they don't want to get involved. Meanwhile I am bashed consistently and have no relationship with my daughter and rarely see my son. I feel so very alone and can not understand how someone I loved and took care of could do this not only to me, but my children. I left because I became very sick due to serious emotional, mental, and financial abuse and because I gathered the strength to leave I have lost my children. Please lets help find a way to fix this problem and save our children.
I'm going through this similar situation. I read your comment and started to cry the pain is real I'm trying to stop being angry and mad and Jesus knows how hard it is for me. I just can't sometimes 😢
This was domestic violence by proxy. The narcissistic abuser is outraged when you dare to leave, and he loses his power to abuse you. The only way to maintain that high of control/abuse is by manipulating the children and the family court system. Your post is from 4 years ago, so I hope and pray you have seen some improvement, but I am taking you into my prayers. Hold fast to the knowledge that you are a precious child of God and you matter!
I haven't seen my two girls for nearly ten years now and its all down to Parental Alienation. I send cards for Christmas/ Birthdays etc but havent received any cards back in these ten years. I pay CSA for my youngest, I Know its my duty as a father but both my girls changed their surnames some time ago. My ex wife is happy to accept this payment from me even though she has erased myself and my family from our daughter's lives. She even claimed over one hundred thousand pounds on my kidney cancer 3 years ago.
For more on this talk, check out our book: Parents Acting Badly: How Institutions and Societies Promote the Alienation of Children from their Loving families (Harman & Biringen, 2016).
Senator John Madigan has a RU-vid channel. He's begun to address these issues in Australian parliament. Well worth subscribing to him if you get time. Good job.
I am Addison. Thank God we had a good evaluator and saw through all of my “Casey’s” lies. My Dakotah is doing great in spite of the damage his alienator mother tries to inflict.
Getting the word out IS a great first step, but how do we get it to the next level? Who do we contact? Some situations are complex. When we have a society with archaic systems, where do we go with our information? Politicians? That doesn't sit well with me. Core family values have changed and some for worse. The ones alienated wrongfully, can NEVER get that time back. That is something I fight with daily. No one listens...family law systems are a business and Parental Alienation is just an ingredient to stir that pot and keep us all on a slow simmer.
+Scott M. Wesolowski AbuseisabuseSilentnomore in order to stop the family courts from sanctioning and empowering parental alienation, we have written a brief that can be adapted to your courts in your state and federal. www.fixfamilycourts.com/donations-for-declaratory-judgments/
Hi Scott. We now also have sample motions that are being used in the family courts as well at www.fixfamilycourts.com/motions -- If you want to get in contact with us with more questions, use the contact tab. And regarding your question about the federal brief. Yes you receive a downloadable document that can be used as a sample for you to use in any state. We provide these as educational tools. If you need more education on this tool contact us and let us know what you are trying to accomplish so that we can let you know what tools we might have for you.
My ex was abusive and charged several times with domestic violence. Yet the court still granted him 50 percent custody. Now I'm dealing with parental alienation..
It isn't mother's rights, it isn't father's rights, it IS children's RIGHTS to have both parents in their lives and have the love and bond of their mother and father. It isn't the mother's or father's right to take away the rights of their children
50/50 custody doesn't prevent alienation. This is what we had with my ex, but he still managed to alienate me, it is not as obvious as in some cases. It was easy for him, for all the reasons you mentioned, but nobody helped me. The court never helped even though I had mentioned it many times, psychologist never helped and when one did, he made sure the child in question wouldno longer see her. Nobody protected me or my children. In the meantime, my children suffer from anxiety, depression and some health issues. Not all of it is due to alienation but most of it is the cause of their suffering. In the end, I have to do my best to constantly maintain a good relationship with them, it takes extra work, as I am always viewed by them as an ok mom, but not a good one. They are not allowed to think otherwise, and they don't know it. I can't open their eyes because it would make me a bad mom again. All I can do is do my best. It is horribly painful. I feel like my children were stolen from me. I am grateful that I see them, talk to them and have an ok relationship with them. In some cases I know it can be extreme, but it hurts. It is a daily struggle.
Clark Lamont Well said this needs to be highlighted in schools where these kids attend so they understand the parent alienation trap the other parent is causing it would also ease the inner trauma they feel being exposed to such rot
Jennifer thank you for doing this TED talk and being a voice for so many. You are spot on with understanding the parenting stereotypes and provide insight for how people can change their perspective and be a positive advocate for the "family" instead of elimination of one of the parents. We coach people all of the time in understanding the dynamics of parental alienation and how their mindset is holding them stuck in the emotional spin cycle. We help them understand that they do not need to change the other parent, this is not in their control, how they show up in their relationships is in their control. I loved your book and hope we are able to collaborate soon. Dorcy :-)
This lady deserves recognition for her courage to point out there is a huge problem in our society. Parental alienation is not being adequately addressed and the broken lives it engenders are usually attributed to anything but....Well done! Well said. Thank you! I bet that those who disliked this video are the parental alienators she's so clearly describing! The last thing they want is for anyone to see through their manipulative behavior!
I think it has swung in the other direction and moms are now getting separated from their kids now. Pendulum has swung too far, this lady needs to take up for moms rights now.
The abuser, no matter what gender, is a controller who will always needs to have control of the child. They will even lie to family members to gather their army of advocates, until the other parent is completely shut out of the child's life.
I have had full custody of my daughter for nearly 2 years. Her mother hates me for this, and has accused me of sexual assault, accused me of domestic violence, and several other things... Even though I have full custody I have not seen my child for weeks. Why is she allowed to do this? She makes fake allegation after fake allegation and everybody listens to it... they take weeks to months to "investigate" these allegations. Nothing comes of it, but I am denied contact with my daughter during the investigation period. I was arrested for these false allegations, I was given conditions of release, with a curfew. This has ruined my life. My rights are being violated and nobody cares! I can't get a lawyer, because I can't afford one. My daughter's mother however... gets to have a lawyer appointed to her because she is the alleged victim. I need help. I can't imagine life without my daughter, I have done nothing wrong.
+John Mallery I wish I could help. Welcome to being a man. I can barely afford a lawyer, and my lawyer is a wonderful woman, but my lot is not a lot better. I will spend almost $5000 just to give my daughter 15 yo a "hear the child" report, or some input as to her wish for access which 50/50. Meanwhile I have been repeatedly accused of being unable to resond to the needs of my daughter--despite her very clear statements to the contrary. This talk soft sells the highly gendered response of the courts etc. and I suppose that is okay if that gives traction to the cause, but it does not help those of us being abused by stereotypes. You are not alone. I just wish there was a better way for men in our position to support each other, but tragically men seem largely unable to do that.
We know, feel the same want to help and take action as a group. They are predators that isolate and abuse millions of victims. Victims outnumber predators and the tables are turning
I've been dealing with Pa for more than 10 years,if we had more experts talking and spreading awareness on the subject, maybe we as a nation could get everyone to understand parental alienation and what it's doing to our children....so it's recognized in every court and done away with...
What about stay at home parents? They’re painted as only caring about money and materials, no matter how simple and humble they’ve been with finances. This was my issue and it was a stereotype that’s used against women (we are “gold diggers”) or dads (men are “dead beat dads”.) Family courts need to get with the program.
I thank for your message. My children have been turned against me, I’m just now understanding it’s out of my hands. I cry every day for almost ten years now because I got out of a bad marriage... I won’t go into everything but I pray one day they will know the truth!!!
While I understand the need for PA Awareness for targeted parents (like myself ) , I just don't understand why the experts aren't intently focusing on education, awareness, and understanding for the general public. . This sick selfish behavior will just continue and get worse as long as the general public doesn't understand and care. . Why isn't that a focus for the sake of our innocent children ?
I've come to believe it has to do with people's egos. . It's easy to lie to someone and get them to believe you, but once that happens, they never want accept that they've been lied to, so they insist on believing the lie instead. .
PA is the ugliest crime. The parents who do this are creating a future of negativity and failure. You have failed and there's no take backs. I hope these parents get the karma of what they deserve for destroying their child.
Thanks Jennifer. I'm a desolate alienated mother of two. I'm so happy to hear it brought to the TED atmosphere. Hopefully more people will see this as the issue it is.
I have been through hell on earth for over 7 years. Attorneys, Debt, Threat of Prison, continually and daily being subjected to different stages of grief and loss. I would do it all again just to see my 8-yo daughter's face once a month for two days. I fly 1600 miles one way to see her and her mother still continues vexatious and fraudulent ex partes and litigation.
I BELIEVE THAT COMMUNICATION IS KEY! TELLING CHILDREN THE TRUTH ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS OR WHY MARRIAGES END ARE NOT PARENTAL ALIENATION. YOU CAN SPEAK THE TRUTH ABOUT SITUATIONS AND IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE ALIENATING CHILDREN AGAINST THEIR PARENTS. PARENTAL ALIENATION IS TEACHING LIES AND HATRED OF ANOTHER PARENT. I HAVE SEEN MEN AND WOMEN DOING THIS ACT. IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN YOU DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD. I MADE SURE MY DAUGHTER WAS WITH HER FATHER AND EVEN WOULD WAIT AT HIS WORK SO THAT HE WOULD BOND WITH HER INSTEAD OF HIM NOT SHOWING UP AND GOING OUT PARTYING. THEN YEARS LATER HE GETS CUSTODY AND KEEPS HER FROM ME! I GAVE HIM 3 DAYS A WEEK AND EVERY OTHER WEEKEND SINCE BIRTH. I WANTED HER TO HAVE TIME WITH HER FATHER AND THEN IT ALL TURNED ON ME! WHEN SHE COULD DECIDE AT AGE 12 WHO TO LIVE WITH HE BEGAN TURNING MY FIRST BORN ON ME AND THEN SHE EVEN PASSED IT DOWN TO MY GRAND DAUGHTER. BECAUSE OF HIS LIES I NEVER WAS ALLOWED TO HAVE A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP OR BE ACCEPTED AS PART OF THE FAMILY BY MY GRAND DAUGHTER AS SHE SAW BY EXAMPLE THAT I WAS NOT ABLE VISIT HER EXCEPT IN HER BEDROOM AND UNABLE TO TAKE HER ANYWHERE. I WAS CALLED CRAZY BECAUSE I WANTED HER TO GO TO A CREDIT UNION DINNER WITH ME THAT ENCOURAGES YOUNG CHILDREN TO BEGIN A SAVINGS ACCOUNT. MAKES ME ANGRY TO THINK OF HOW ABSURD THEIR TREATMENT TO ME IS.
My ex abused me financially , emotionally and physically for 26 years. I spiraled into a deep depression and he used this against me to get my kids. He almost succeeded but my daughter came back. My son no longer speaks to me and has taken the side that I am crazy. I’m struggling immensely right now. Thank you
Also, many lawyers encourage this behavior for personal gain. The more embittered parents are against one another the more legal fees, and in some cases prestige, they receive. I know from personal experience that the KS Bar Association is derelict in applying or enforcing ethical standards with regards to certain issues such as this, and that is probably true of many other state bar associations. Lawyers who promote this behavior should be disciplined.
Hi, I just watched your amazing video. I need help because I’m being alienated from my kids. This has been going on for years and I’ve reached out to womens shelters, child protective services, police, courts and no one will help me. I’m currently going through a divorce and I’m slowly losing my kids. Can you please give me some advice? I mentally can’t deal with this anymore. Why does the system allow this to happen?
as a alienated parent i know i will never be granted 50/50 with my son and i am treated like i second class human being when i have done nothing but leave my ex now i get my son 49 days a year and cant talk to him daily and her bf has more rites to my son than i do. this will never change and i am constantly in court im on antidepressants anxiety meds im taking parenting classes and anger managment.
@@farahsummers1171 I think that'd what wrong with this world. The hippies are running the show with no formal discipline. They treat kids really weird and odd. The parents of the baby boomers had strict rules and were made to do work before the war. The men and women went to war had a bunch of kids and spoiled them. Technology. Ade things easier. Having kids back then seemed easy because things were simple. Didn't have to buy them cars, phones, laptops, color crayons, snacks, entertainment. Things have changed and I believe that's why people are so crazy. Family is the most important thing in life.
Over the last two years I have been alienated from my two beautiful children, Oona & Killian, following a violent domestic abuse situation with my ex husband. My ex husband is currently employed at Colorado State University as a research and teaching assistant in the Sociology department. It's such a small, small world...
Dear Dr. Harman, you are brave to bring awareness to Parental Alienation. I have not had contact with my daughter. My daughter was an honor roll student, in a private school. She was so happy. Now, she is doing poorly. She is using substances. This is painful. This hurts me because she appears to suffer. My daughter loves me. The adoptive mother alienated my daughter, I believe. This is painful. Thank You for bringing this subject to a level of awareness. It is a very harmful thing. Sincerely, Lisa
LOVE HOW YOU SAY ITS ONE-SIDED BECAUSE ITS TRUE. I CAN CO-PARENT AND THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN WILL HIDE, COVER HIS EYES, EARS, MOUTH, RUN WHEN IM AROUND, HE WILL NOT COMMUNICATE AT ALL. I WAS A STAY HOME MOM FOR 17 YRS AND NO COMPLAINTS ABOUT MY PARENTING UNTIL I ASKED FOR A SEPARATION. THE FATHER WAS NEVER AROUND, MAYBE 3MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR. HE THREATENS ME TO LEAVE, GASLIGHTS, BUILDS A HATE CAMPAIGN AGAINST ME, PITS MY PARENTS, SIBLINGS, EXTENDED FAMILY AND FRIENDS AGAINST ME. HE TRIED PUTTING ME IN A MENTAL HOME, TRIED FRAMING ME WITH DRUGS, SAID I WAS A WHORE, SLUT, A DANGER TO MY CHILDREN, GOING THRU MIDLIFE CRISIS,ETC. THE COURTS , LAWYERS, THERAPISTS MADE IT WORSE. THE FATHER TOLD THE KIDS TO KILL ME, THAT THEY WOULD GET AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE I DESERVE IT.THE JUDGE DID NOTHING. MONEY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD.
It amazes me that this can and does happen. Our stories are identical. These personality disordered parents never quit. It's repulsive how they obsess on destroying us - by destroying their own children.
I'm in mother in this situation where the father is trying to take my daughter out of her school district and move to another county. and is doing it. So is that Maternal Aleatuon. how do you stop that! I have a case. but try getting the court to see. THE BEST INTEREST OF MY DAUGHTER changing a custody order is like changing a law. and she now suffers from so much. judges think we all get along and to just talk amongst themselves and use the handbook just to go off of a base... well what of that base is the only communication and style of parenting. the court needs to watch this. I need help.
While the message is clearly a testament to real PAS, one should use caution when a parent claims they are being victimized by the other parent. Sometimes, the perpetrator will project their own tactics on the other parent and accuse them of PAS when the real reason for their damaged relationships are of their own doing. This video was recently shared on FB by someone who has done just that. She emotionally abandoned one of her children years ago and physically abandoned both of them last year, moving 1200 miles away, but still maintaining that her ex is the reason her children aren't responsive to her sporadic and manipulative involvement. She has accused the father of horrible things, including physical abuse, yet in reality, she has two criminal convictions for harassment and criminal damaging, her ex being the victim.
+J jhopper This madness of this inversion is very real. It is not mentioned in any literature that I have seen, and is extremely traumatic for the wrongly accused. It is crazy making of the highest order as it is typically accepted and therefore perpetrated by psychologists, social workers, and police, and is one of the real problems in investigations.
J jhopper - I can understand your sharing on this because you care. However, this is all regarding deeply sensitive delicate complex and painful issue.
True, But it is equally as sensitive, complex and painful to those who are falsely accused of such abuse to their children. People seem to forget the pain of those who's reputations have been destroyed by vengeful acts of slander and manipulation. They are victims as well and there are no "champions" for their cause.
I absolutely agree ... "There are no 'champions' for their cause". I am the targeted parent. Words can hardly describe the entirety of it and how it affects every aspect of my 'human experience'. I've recently discovered a great source of empowerment which as I am experiencing all of this is a powerful transforming renewing of the mind. I've yet to catch my breath, throughout this horrid gut wrenching ordeal . I know all truths shall be revealed . I also know I must release myself from the chains of their condemnation, false accusations, and all the hateful actions and statements ... I apologize for loosing myself while trying to respond. I am just recently begun to try to find my voice and learn to do so without being "afraid" about it being accepted, liked, or sounding crazy.
Thank you so much for this video. Even in 2020 it's not talked about much. It happened to me and becoming knowledgeable is healing and helping me beyond words. The fact that this exists means I'm not the only one and that I don't carry as much of a burden as I once did.
@@frederickmuhlbauer9477 Start a fb and/or RU-vid page/channel..I'll help! (I'm older not techy) My bio dad was alienated..then I had 4 stepdad's..two of MY EXS Did this to me...one had a vendetta..the other BELIEVED he was doing the right thing by kids..his fear of harming kids by letting them speak to me..was due to his ignorance or rather his unwillingness to speak to me OR EVEN get kids counseling has forever piggybacked the INITIAL issues I suffered therefore quadrupling the effects on our kids...and hence beginning a new generation of 'no communication' with their own heartaches.. So I AGREE WE NEED TO RISE!...
This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It has caused major depression. The unique part of my story is that my daughter has autism and minor cerebral palsy. My ex has completely destroyed my character and made the worst imaginable accusation when seeing a court appointed Psychologist. My daughter can not speak for herself due to the special needs issues. Resulting in the total loss of having any access to my daughter. I pick up my son at my Ex's home and see my daughter dancing at the glass door window excited to see me. I have no options, it feels like an open wound I cannot heal. I ask to see her and am always denied. My son will call me from another room away from my ex and her new husband; my daughter will say Dad, Dad, Dad when can I see you, can I come over repeating herself multiple times. All I can say is I love you, miss you and not right now. She does not understand any of this. I am very grateful she has not forgotten me.
Yesterday, my teenage kids came to get their “belongings”. They have not spoken to me in 3 years. It makes one feel that they have no use being here. According to my kids, bits of plastic and electronics have more value than their own father. Who teaches them that! Reconciliation councillors?, Mothers? Lawyers? How about just about everyone? Seems like most agree ex-fathers have no use We are worthless and not trustworthy according to the state. Thanks.
Erik Rosenblad unlikely as I had to give up custody or go to court because my wealthy ex-wife likes to alienate me and enjoys my suffrage. I doubt very much I will ever see or speak to them again. I am getting old and useless, and they simply remind me of it when I try to contact them, and they ignore me. After 3 years, I expect nothing less than hate for trying to defend the time I had with them.
R. S. Hello:) Thanks for caring. My daughter who is 16, was speaking to me for a few weeks during the summer because she was “reminded” of me while playing on-line with my neighbour’s son. Everything seemed Ok, but now she is ghosting me again. My son who is now 18 still has not spoken to me in over 3 1/2 years. It is not pleasant being a parent when one’s children don’t even want to communicate whatsoever. Sure, there are people worse off, people who have miserable lives, but this does not make the pain go away. My only strategy is try to forget and move on. Problem is, as many parents will attest to, one’s kids are everything. It’s very difficult to say goodbye and forget. At this point, I’d say nearly impossible. But hey, life goes on... Again, thanks for your concern:)
M I You are not alone friend; many of us are going through the same thing. But I would say it was a positive development that your 16-year-old daughter communicated with you for a couple of weeks. I know it’s difficult to have brief contact like that and then to be “ghosted“ again; it would be better and less painful to have absolutely no contact than to go through a couple of weeks as you experienced only to have her reject you again. But the fact that she reached out is a huge step, and I would take comfort and hope in that.
R. S. Agreed, it’s a bit of a mystery why she stopped communicating. It’s all to easy to blame the family dynamics which she has to live with every day, although, probably, the most likely cause. Some of my acquaintances say I could be grateful I do not have to deal with teenager issues and personalities, but personally, I love my kids and those issues would be secondary to me. Besides, they are actually less rebellious than I was at their age:) Thanks for your kind words.
British Courts ignore these experts and are institutional abusers - and our custody evaluators were deemed not fit for purpose in 2004, but continue judging parents in reports based on 1 hour interviews which have 80% value in judgement in international relocation cases.
I was the targeted parent for 17 years and now my four adult kids have severe mental problems. My ex broke court orders and had restraint orders against me. Im now the hated parent and one child recorded a family gettogether where I was still alienated as the parent of adult kids. Waukesha WI family courts AND MY EX are so guilty of parental alienation. My facebook page is"DISOWNED DADS" AND i ENCOURAGE ALL ALIENATED PARENTS TO JOIN.
Such a sad topic. My son's dad and I are divorced. His dad can irritate me at times yet I love him unconditionally and I'd never bad mouth him to our child. If anything I build him up to our son, tell our son how much his daddy loves him, and we co-parent well. It did take me a few years to feel this way. We put our child first though. Sometimes his dad gets under my skin, and I probably annoy him sometimes too, but I would never show that to our son. That man had a big part in giving me my son so I try to always remember that. His dad loves him a lot and our son is very very happy even though we are not married. Gosh unless there is true abuse involved- can't be just grow up and get along, especially for the sake of the child?!
+Rose Awen I applaud you. Both for respecting your child's father, and admitting less than perfection. You are in fact part of the majority of women. However, you do not represent all women. While the majority of parents who alienate--are women, that does not mean that the majority of women are alienators. In significant ways, the majority of decent women, give legitimacy to the abusing minority.
Finally good to put a name to this situation. I lived through it with my parents and now going through it with my son's mothers. The pro-mom laws essentially screwed me over time after time even with false allegations proven false. Now I have made the decision to step aside give the mothers what they want until i finish graduate school and count down to the day their mothers can no longer lie to them. Finishing graduate school will give me the stable future for my boys since we will have a lot of time to make up for
Hi - it's not pro-mom laws. It's parents who falsely equate love with control. There are studies on this proving that it's abusiveness of the spouse that predicts the use of children to continue the abuse. The last study I saw showed that when custody is sought by an abusive male, his chances of acquiring custody of the child are at 80%. I lost my first child this way, too. It's abusers of all genders who are the problem. Not women. Hugs to you. Shame on anyone who would do this to a child, regardless of gender.
Spot on analysis of the problem. Yes, we need to talk about narcissism, but the alienator is only part of the problem - the progenitor... The problem though is exacerbated by courts and social workers that hold on to conservative gender stereotypes that criminalise and marginalise fathers. When mothers are alienated, the societal shock is greater still, because Dads walk out on their kids, right? That's what dads do...But for a mother to be estranged from her child - she must be really bad. Well done Jennifer for highlighting the fact that this is not a case of parents not getting on with each other - this is not a normal situation where a couple fall out of love and maybe there are faults on both sides that can be resolved or mediated around the proverbial kitchen table
Wow!!! Dr Harmen... you absolutely NAILED it for all parents subjected to this crisis . Thank you so much for confirming logic. Take a bow ma'am for you are a PARAGON.
Being a survivor of parental alienation from my father, it's something that will always stick with me till my grave forever, I'm greatful that I managed to gain freedom and independence but alot of the damage I have mentally plus being autistic as well legit circles round and round and at times gets hard to deal with at times but I keep pushing forward. There is times where I'm afraid of having children of my own or getting in relationships with future partners because I know if I somehow ever come back to that cycle again, I couldn't go through it all as once is enough One thing I do feel thankful of is the help good people aid me along the way with and they advise me not to be too hard on myself about it all and I do try but I think the main purpose in my life is to help others be brave enough to fight back at the toxic people in society and help them gain a voice for themselves as if one person heard this message then that would give me some sigh of relief They say time heals all things but I don't know how long my wounds will be there
Thank you for such a great TED Talk. And a big shout out to @msmobileconverg (twitter) the mother who receives an A+ for this behaviour by blocking contact with my children for 5 years.
In my fourth year of being alienated from my two daughters, and this year he got one of our sons on his side. He has done every last alienating behavior in the playbook and the "system" supports him. It is abuse, to the kids and to me. He has done irreparable damage to our children but he only cares about his ego and how great a 'single dad' everyone hails him to be. PA needs to get into the DSM so true change can happen.
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After hearing several voices speak on this topic, I'd say that Dr. Harman is among the very best! Dr. Amy Baker is also very astute when it comes to parent alienation. A complex topic, difficult to understand and unfortunately many do not, including judges, attorneys, and therapists. Family court is a broken system. Therapists and counselors, LEARN from this woman! Please.
