“Real friends are useless” means that the friendship doesn’t benefit you in a materialistic or transactional way. Hence, not a transactional friendship. Real friendship is about emotional support, honesty, and intimacy, or as he said, love. I’m blessed to have real friends and this is a great reminder to renew these relationships 🥰
@@rafaelw8115It’s more about how these relationships make you FEEL, not what you “get”, and honestly, it’s when we’re giving more than we’re receiving that it really feels the most fulfilling and therefore, happy. 😁
@@MJLOVEnow seems close, but actually misses the boat entirely: the whole point of friendship is there's no sense of whether we're giving/receiving at all, the discourse /interaction simply flows without any tension. I have a lifelong acqutainance who has always been a pill, and he';s gotten infinitely worse over midlife. He sees and operates w/ ppl as transactions even though he puts on a front of "empathy" which is 100% false.
By far, one of the BEST, most relevant discussions I’ve listened to in AGES. And it made total sense to me. Bless you both - and kudos to MSNBC for giving 12 minutes of airtime to a discussion unrelated to politics.
00:04:15 Thus you have to pay the extortionate tuition fee, among other efforts, first before they reverse the script and tell you as a member of society what they've been motivating you to do since kindergarten is useless all along. Sounds like society is sacked by irrelevant narcissists that pollute all levels. This is precisely the reason why a person doesn't authority for no reason. These types of costs.
This guy is a shady salesman and a neo-conservative (he has the same old capitalist drivel in stock to sell as well - this is political!). Just some rebranding of known trivia and confusing terminology, like defining 'true friendship' as the opposite of how the whole world used to understand this term. I don't trust anyone promoted by Oprah. The hole self-help industry is a scam anyway.
Real friends are the “useless” people in your life. The one that doesn’t have materialistic things to offer or connections that are helpful for one’s career, the one you just enjoy spending time with. Too often people “connect” or move on based on “transactional value”. Time and even relationships have become commodities.
Love,Friendship and realation just have become just another comodity in this consumerism,capitalist, individualistic and materialistic world. This diseases came from west and we lost collectivity, unity, traditional family values ,family love, and genuine frendship।
My formula is: Pursue truth no matter how unpleasant it is. If your happiness is based on errors, it will collapse sooner or later; see the flashy and photogenic lifestyles and personality as the blind, mindless, cultish worship of imagery over content; be satisfied with minimal material and social needs; ultimately you are your own best friend; have a strong sense of what justice and fairness are (reduces chances of exploitation by others) last but not least - help, heal, and uplift those in most need of it.
Stephanie Ruhle is a great interviewer for this guest. Brooks is everywhere these days and I try to catch every interview I can. I loved how these two people leaned in toward each other while they spoke together.
'Friends will always let you down" : my mother. It sounds miserable but it is the opposite - it frees you from disappointment and bitterness. There will always be times when you think you need something, and your friend is going some other way.
@@spotonnls3538 no, he does not. Dogs that are not well looked after bark when once again left alone staring the walls 24/24. I am committed to looking after my dog and seeing his needs are met.
The most Profound line ....'REAL FRIENDS ARE USELESS' ....YOU ARE WITH THEM FOR THE LOVE OF THEM & NOT TO GAIN ANYTHING MATERIALISTIC ...! .......A very deep deep line indeed !
Ya, funny thing about all this: I grew up in an era and a place where, as youth, we were told to pursue our lives in a way that would make us happy. So, when we did society called us Slackers and Lazy and actually harmful to society because we were creating a path for ourselves that fell outside the 'NORMS' of how to be and adult and responsible, etc. It takes Oprah to co-sign some Harvard professor, who is using concepts that were poo-poo'd by western civilization (concepts from Buddhism and from Eastern cultures or just non-western civilization, ie white folks) to bring these simple ideas into the "NORM"?? Funny how these things go. Yes, the western world is sooooo superior to everything else... hahahahahahahahahaha
This man really had a lot to offer . a Great guest and it drives me Nuts when the Host wants to talk over the guest . I believe having Purpose is more important than "Happiness".
I have a friend who is neither a real friend nor a deal friend. Spend a lot of time together and totally useless. Only takes takes takes and almost no giving at all. I’be decided to keep it a nice distance going forward and be at peace with it. 😇
Snake oil to sell a book 🙄 Try talking to someone for an hour when they don't have that much free time. Only reeding a "difficult" book for 15 minutes and you won't get enough understanding. You might achieve these goals if you live the middle-class life where you have the luxury not to be worrying about paying bill, working 60 hours a week and caring for aa family. Rule #1 don't listen to Oprah on how to run your life or this guy.
I’m sorry but having enough money to quit having to work for the corporate elite would provide society far more happiness than any of his points combined.
They certainly shouldn't say "it's not important"... but I think a rich person is well-placed to say, from experience, that money doesn't make you happy
Over the years my real friends have died and it's so difficult to replace them. To be honest it's hard work. 'chi trova un amico/a trova un tesoro' translated from italian means ' he who finds a true friend finds a trasure' SO TRUE!
What about people who are only happy when left alone to do their own single person activities? I'm only happy when left alone to do my own thing, ALONE. We're all different.
I get that. *_this guy in the video never talked to people like you (or me ... ) bc we'd never participate in a group study._* bc "group." his results are garbage - self-selecting OUT people like you (and me ... ) you be you. the guy in the video is wrong. it's YOUR life.
@@Alz98 I'm the only one who holds MY fishing pole, though MY knowledge comes thru the overall collective. But only I alone can use the learned skills to become a real tangential event in my journey through this life. GLHF
@@Alz98 have YOU ever considered that not everyone needs outside validation? and that perhaps that's something you need to work on? my stars, _DO YOU NOT EVEN HEAR HOW NEEDY YOU ARE?!?_
0:39: 😊 Happiness is not a feeling, but something more tangible than feelings. 2:45: ! The video discusses the defeatist checklist of things that would make someone happy, and emphasizes that happiness is a direction, not a destination. 4:54: 💡 The importance of having real friends and not just transactional relationships. 7:33: ! The importance of love, diversity, and human connection in a technologically-driven world. 9:35: 💡 The importance of having real friends and staying in touch with family. Recap by Tammy AI
Curses can become blessings & blessings become curses with time & perspective. Life is cumulative. You tend to remember the struggles more than the triumph.
I go for a 2 or 3 mile walk every day, I never take my phone but I see a lot of people on my walk glued to theirs. I use it to clear my head, go over what I want to do that day and just take in the day. There's an author Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. that I read when I was going through a failed engagement after 8 years of dating. It's really a great series of books that if you're interested in why we hook up with the one we do and why we often fail and also how to hopefully keep it together with the one you love.
I have no cell phone. When I walk down the street, if a stranger standing next to me picks up their ringing phone, I always say, “If that’s for me, tell them I’m not here.”
@@rikfriday6079 I just bought my first cell phone this year and ONLY because our laundry room machines require an app to pay for laundry! Otherwise I probably wouldn't have bought it, I have no cell service and don't plan on getting any either.
This approach is completely unrealistic for some people, like me. Yes, I have faith & friends, but I do not have any family, so calling someone everyday is not possible. And, I would love more than anything to have the job of my dreams, but realistically, I need a healthy paycheque to afford rent, food, transportation, insurance, etc, etc. I suppose I could do my dream job and live on the streets. Would that be true happiness? 🤷🏼♀️
@@reason6835 You ARE cynical. How many people have gotten to what they think is the pinnacle of success and then felt let down? A quote from David Bowie's song FAME...once you get there things are hollow.
@@eddenoy321 It's not psycho-babble. If you really think about it, what everyone really wants, once basic physical needs are met, is to be loved and to love, inclusive of, but not limited to, romantic love. We all want at least someone to be aware that we exist and appreciate the fact.
He might be a genius but I can’t quite forgive Dr Phil and Dr Oz. Both turned out to be just slightly more credible than a couple snake oil salesmen. Oprah loves to latch onto a guru, any guru. Not running out to buy it.
This guy really is like: "my students tell me what makes them happy, and I tell them they are wrong." He rejects the idea that different people have different things that makes them happy. He says satisfaction comes through struggling to accomplish something, but for many people that's not a satisfying feeling, that's just doing something hard that they need to do to survive or keep a job, and happiness for them might come from taking time to clear their mind so they can reflect and recharge. He says happiness comes from interacting with people, but for people who have been abused all their life trying to forge interactions with people might be overwhelmingly stressful with no tangible benefits in sight. I agree that his assessment of what corporate media has told us we need to pursue to make us happy is problematic. But his rejection of what different people might need to make them happy is problematic. For some, following this guy's recommendations would make them stressed out and miserable.
Therapy, I can vouch for that. I come from an abusive family and was abused and abandoned as a child and teen. Granted some may not respond to therapy or meds, that is sad but it does happen.
Agree. Some of us don't have much family left to call. Some of us have been betrayed by "real friends" and find it challenging to make new friends, especially as we age. He makes it sound simple and reductionist. It sounds like his research was done solely in the ivory tower of Harvard. Not with large samples of people from throughout the population and various cultures. Of course Oprah would be drawn to this type of pop psychology.
I'd like to encourage you all to expand your ideas of what qualifies as family and friends; family might be chosen rather than biological and friends don't have to be human. Jane Goodall would certainly call the gorillas she worked with friends, and quite nearly family even. Joy can come from genuine earthling interactions across species, such as a pet cat or dog. Therapy dogs are real. In fact, caring for an animal can fulfill most of the items on his checklist if you really try to listen to the animal and connect with it and take care of it; it's a real friend, not just a deal friend.
This is not a criticism of you, cg2642, just an observation. Everybody always blames "the corporate media," and I get that. They shape our conversations. But isn't that happening here, with Brooks talking about the book? Just a thought. I agree that some people need challenges to overcome and make some big or personal difference. I would ask if the relief of completing any task results in happiness, vs. doing the task. And interacting with people for a form of happiness? When was the last time you had an interaction with somebody who wasn't thinking of something else or in a rush? Asking for a friend.
How can you define an authentic relationship as useless? I know, the Professor is talking about "useless" friends in a material sense...they can't help you get a job, introduce you to your dream date, or loan you money when you're hard up, but they make a real difference in your life.
Wild generalizations like these--even if they are actually well expressed--are useless. You need to let go of your obvious contempt for people who do not share your political views.@@Gabedudley1
Lost me at "the smell of the turkey is evidence of Thanksgiving dinner." The smell of the turkey is evidence of carnage, and of a depraved culture that equates that with happiness.
MAN this guy makes me think of Socrates, who at least knew he knew nothing. Right of the bat, answer to someone who says what happiness is, ‘wrong!’. ‘Wrong’???? 😂😂😂 so not only there’s a correct answer to what someone else thinks happiness is, you know it? High horse much?
after a certain point of financial success, its true. diminishing returns on happiness for the vast majority of people. Probably not a major diff in happiness between making $400k/yr vs $650k or going from $1MM to $2MM, a little for sure, but not like when you go from $20k/yr to $100k, a truly major shift.
Yah but happiness is a spectrum. Lets say its like a linear number line. +10 is happiness and unhappiness is -10. If money gets you from -10 to 0 , you might think that thats happiness. I would say that it isn't. Its more like you have got to a place devoid of stress and problems and unhappiness by solving money issues and NOW you can move forward towards happiness.
@@akshayde Yeah, but it's not linear at all. The happiness boost from $30k to $100k is much larger than the jump from $1 mill. to $2 mill. The thing is, nothing lasts forever not even happiness. People get bored with things, even money.
@@themaskedman221 not at all what i was saying. And i doubt there is any change in happiness when you have 1 million in yiur bank and you get another milli
I would say, put it in a time capsule, so that humanity that comes after us, because we are lost since we let it slip away, can use this as a guideline in developing their society. For now this only for the happy few.
Very true! To be happy in life...just spend time with the people you love and those who love you. All other activities are to get income so you can feed yourself and your family.
“We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely. All art is quite useless.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray [Re: real friends being "useless"]
There are absolutely correct here in one smore is Faith requires you to embrace the uncomfortable as well as the heavenly. So take heed. Sometimes the uncomfortable can include family friends co-workers it's our duty and our responsibility to rise above every time. With the basic approaches that are being illustrated here and the ones that you will develop from applying these techniques you will live and begin to live Revelation in every breath. You will recognize your individuality and experienced a novel reality. Freedom whispers your name.
"If I had a prayer, it would be this: 'God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.'" ~Byron Katie. This quote changed my life forever. My anxiety plummeted, and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. We run into problems when we expect other people, especially friends/family, to treat us a certain way. We cannot look to others for peace, happiness. Side note: I only heard Byron Katie on Oprah's radio show years back. It's too bad she didn't have her back on. I think it's too much for a lot of people. We are so addicted to suffering that we think we must suffer or there is something wrong with us. It's the other way around, but most of us don't see life this way.
It's all about Love. Love, Light and Life are all the same frequency. If you are in the frequency of love, you will also be happy because you are filled with LIGHT and LIFE. Friends, relatives, faith all bring that out in us, teaching us to love unconditionally until one day we are able to look at ourselves and achieve full unconditional SELF LOVE. That's what this is really about. Thanks for a great 12 minutes!
I am 72. How would I have gotten this far in my life without the grace of my dear friends and loved ones? I have an active friend from when I was four. I remember the day we met. We talked last Friday. I have a dear friend from age 14. We had lunch yesterday. I have a friend from age 16, we worked together at my first part time job. What an angel she is! I have another friend from age 18, we were out last Monday. Then there is my twin sister, who I have known since our egg split. Go on, fella. Real friends are NOT what you claim.
@@alanc7772 well, therapy. "Comfort" is a vague term, an outcome term. so start therapy to help narrow down the issue to find out the cause and if its is them or you. Then take necessary steps, baby steps to begin with, to go towards the outcome you want.
I used to be so popular in the 2000's and by 2010 was when I cut everyone off and disappeared. I will never have a useless friendship ever again. Either I gain something or we're moving on. I'm also willing to share with a person & help them, but, I'm not picking up problems and opening doors for people without receiving anything in return. I've changed lots of lives & opened plenty of doors with nothing in return and the worst, absolute WORST feeling is when they cut me off after I've lead them into that path. I'm not mad at them for it, I'm mad at myself for putting into someone that had nothing to offer me in return. People have smiled in my face and pretended to be my friend just so they cant take from me, and then turn into my enemy within a blink of an unsuspected eye. Moving forward, its all transactional. I'm not bitter, not resentful, not angry. I'm only disappointed in myself for not being an opportunist.
The people I've dealt qith didn't maliciously use me BUT I get nothing from them and they get everything from me. I don't learn from them. I don't grow with them. They arent in positions to give me advice. They constantly want to trauma dump and get my advice but not take it. I guess they're cool and funny sometimes but I'm done with useless relationships. I have a huge family of people who offer me absolutely nothing but a nice meal and giggle. I'm not taking on anymore causes.
This guy simply dismisses all the pain and anguish many people have endured with family members for example who've abused them to feel any happiness there, ( not to mention places of worship, jobs, etc.) He has a bizarrely dated, absurdly simplistic answers for attaining happiness, ( and he teaches at Harvard! ...no wonder so many are questioning the costs of higher education). ... then again, what would you expect from Oprah and these corporate media news shows anyway?
You're right. Still, this is a brief conversation and we don't know the whole content of the book. You also never know what is going to connect with somebody- what might inspire them to confront their demons and work on their health or pursue psychotherapy. A toxic and abusive family? I don't know if there is any resolution for that. There is nothing wrong with going no contact- though it is difficult to do. There is also nothing wrong with employing the painful wisdom gained when selecting the people you allow into your life. Maybe the conversation appealed to me because - I must admit- I am absurdly simplistic- and I do think you're right.
Exactly. The popular marshmallowy "family" narrative means little to those of us with abusive or non-present parents and nasty, siblings incapable of love because they themselves did not experience it in the home. That group includes a large swath of the post-WW2 baby boom gen, whose fathers came back from the war hiding the effects of trauma (and drinking to cope with it). But the war wasn't the only factor in their being lousy parents. MANY of them had no parental role models. My dad's dad was an alcoholic wife-beater; my mom's mom was a highly neurotic drama queen who constantly badgered and verbally abused her husbands. Connect the dots.
Completely agree with you.The advice does not consider those with strained family relationships. To that I say, we can also “choose” our family later in life. Supportive friends can also be as close as and better that blood family. Focus on those people and share your life with them 😊
All this work but not if you are poor and have actual survival problems.. " just pick a book tomorrow" is such a classist and privileged "tip for happiness"
What he is talking about and teaching is only for the ordinary person with the mediocre mind. A person who can only be a follower of the ordinary life style expected by the ordinary parents of the ordinary world which cannot lead to anything but a life in the service of their government´s needs. The only minority possibilities being a life of crime and/or divination of one type or another from the limited possibilities of human nature, or a complete emersion in one form of religion or another. Notice how easy it is to create a church or a non-profit organization in The USA. Why?
7:17 I was wondering about why she was doing this interview until now. It’s a dig at remote working. Corps have been trying (and failing) to bring various work forces back into offices after the pandemic. Disappointing and thankfully transparent propaganda.
I'm amazed at how many people think there's some dark ulterior motive for this man writing a book. Book sales? Lot's of people will just check it out of the library.
@@mimsyborogove3906 I’m not questioning his book yet, haven’t read it… maybe yet. I’m saying that the producer who tailor picked this piece (specific bias revealed by the leading line of questioning) used this airtime with intention.
@@mimsyborogove3906 you can guess that if you like, but dont assume that my point on bias is itself the manifestation of some circumstance in my life other than an education and media literacy. The book may or may not have many redeeming features, useful lenses to view life through, and helpful techniques. My point is that the producer responsible for this segment, chose this book/topic, because it promulgates a useful narrative: people will be happier when they go back to the office. Corp media, which this 100% is, carries water for the chamber of commerce, financial/energy/pharma sectors, and other moneyed interests whom are explicitly calling for getting workers back in the factories. A strong labor market and post pandemic attitude shift has created an uncomfortable reality for big money. They need the workers, and the workers are realizing it. I hope this clears up any confusion you’ve been experiencing from my posts.
"Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand." - Aldous Huxley
Ive got no faith and no friends and didnt feel better when I had them. My faith was a trap and my friends talked about me behind my back. I dont need that.
The ukrainian war and its miseries aren't news. They've been with us about a year and a half now. This isn't meant to be news. It's a human interest story.
These are the things we should be teaching our children way before an “education”. Teaching meditation and proper breathing techniques would help too. Our society is so backwards because we worship money over happiness.
Just the act of struggling to find happiness brings happiness. We make mistakes we succeed we cannot know one without the other. Time nor tides of the ocean will ever wait for mankind. Mother nature plays her tune and we attempt to listen. words are pale actions rule the Day. Your actions your day.
Not only do we need to interact with people in person like they're explaining, but what happens during the first four minutes of contact has something to do with what happens in your mind every 4 seconds as well. The mind is a terrible thing to waste but an easy thing to invest in.
THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE BECAUSE OF STEPHANIE RUHLE AND HER AMAZING SHOW. WHAT A POWERFUL SEGMENT TO HAVE DURING THE TIME OF YEAR WHEN FOLKS START TO TAKE STOCK OF THEIR LIVES.
I don't believe in "Happy." The word is so overused and falsely pursued ending in deep frustration. I prefer "Joy" because simple, daily activities bring satisfying accomplishment. Joy is long term -- happiness is temporary, in my view. By the way, I do not own a television (over 20 years) and rarely use Zoom. Living in serenity brings joy -- and everyday I have a choice as to how I want to create that joy within the 24 hours of this day. No to happy and Yes to joy.
Everyone has their own views and evaluations of philosophical and religious views. There is a wide range of opinions about the influence of pre-Socratic philosophy and Christian beliefs, as well as the controversial nature of concepts such as transcendence and control by others.
what he is missing here is that there is a base level of economic stability that is required. you have a ratio of 400 to one app from 20 to 1 CEO to worker pay in the Auto industry. immense corporate greed, resulting in people, struggling to raise their kids with good food, afford activities, and having the time to spend with the family, the esoteric calls he states fall a little flat. Maslow’s hierarchy.
Investing like Arthur Brooks is saying here is critical. Remember after you got those Christmas presents for that birthday present there was a little bit of a letdown afterwards. Same thing with all big successes. Even if you made ten billion dollars last year next year you'll want more. Materialism or do you have a soul. Serving others is critical. All the basics here are critical. As in achieving critical thinking and so much more.
Sorry to say life has changed too much to return to old values and there are too many people with not enough knowledge to even know what they are doing wrong in the first place!The world has turned into a global asylum.
In the conversation they just laid out why Finland is the happiest country in the world, without mentioning the country's name of course. Finland is famous for the sincere, serious, reliable, honest people, who make real friends and does it slowly, because family and old friends come first, and their silent church is their relationship with Nature, and they thrive in their special life-work balance, where their emphasis is on quality and being useful, more than status and bling. Finns are living the life they want and they don't want to exchange it for another - that is: most of them are happy with what they have, love, and are.
Something fascinating… you said “life-work” balance. In the US, we say “work-life” - and that says everything about our priorities. I’m changing it from now on.
@@Soistoi-meme Oh, thanks a lot. I actually did it on purpose and I'm so glad you like it. Maybe more people will do it, too, I hope. - We work to live, not live to work, if it is not a life-purpose, of course, like Jane Goodall's or Rachel Carson's.
