Recognising and Responding to Gaslighting 

I found in my long life of this, the first step is standing up for yourself and calling it out. Even if you are not being heard, speak your truth - even just for yourself. For the Universe

"Purposely misunderstanding" comes in handy during plausible deniability.

Finally someone gives a working definition of this word.

thank you for saying it is not about winning it is about managing yourself. ❤

"When someone is trying to gaslight you, chances are they already know what you're talking about." Yes. A repeating pattern I've seen with several narcissists I've known is to say "Give me an example of when I did this behavior" when I tried to address a problem I had with their behavior. It was gaslighting and deflection away from the issue at hand, intended to stump me as I tried to think of another example of the behavior. Sticking to the point was met with narcissistic rage, stonewalling, silent treatment, blame shifting, etc. It's pretty pointless to try to address a problem with a narcissist's behavior as I've learned, so now I just adjust my behavior accordingly, usually to cut all ties with the narcissist, or at least put them behind the grey rock firewall.

My ex used to say things then laugh and say I'm only teasing, he wasn't he meant it.

Thank you. Spot on. No one gets to tell you what you feel or what you think. You are the only valid expert on you. Full stop!

As narcissists exhibit a pattern of toxic behaviour, it's probably a good idea to tune into how you feel around a person to determine if they are narcissistic. If you are not energised around a person, don't feel seen or valued, and see a toxic pattern of critical, black-and-white thinking where you end up being judged, shamed and devalued, then avoid spending time with them. They are giving you emotional poison to drink so don't drink from their cup.

stand in your truth no matter what other people say

Remain calm, centered and rational. I have someone close to me who gaslights and I finally said "No. This has a name, it's called gaslighting and it is a manipulation tactic. I won't accept being treated this way". The look in their eyes was of surprise and a little panic and they quickly changed topic and 'made nice'.

My name is Rey, I'm from Indonesia. And I'm 17, before I didn't know what Narcissism was. But after I found this channel I knew, and I missed almost nothing. And I like the way Uncle Darren conveys it, and it's not difficult for me to understand it❤❤❤

I needed this today!!!! Lol my favorite one now is "we're concerned for you". Me enjoying the peace of silent treatment that's done to me😎✌🏼!! And when they do talk to me I just agree with everything they say. Yup, you're right😊! For me calling it out just makes them silent. And then a week later they start up again. As if they never heard me call them out. So from now on they're always right. And that pisses them off more than if you stand up for yourself. Because you're refusing to play the game. The only way to "win" with these people is to not play the game. Keep everything to yourself.

One of the things I've learned from being gaslighted by my family all the time is I learned to believe in myself and trust myself, decisions, feelings and all. Having myself as my absolute loyal person is the game changer. Before this, every time I thought I had a loyal friend, or lover, it was only later that I found out they haven't been that loyal but sabotaging me at my back. My own mother was my gaslighter and emotional abuser. I learned not to trust her but in God and myself.

Thank you Darren for this one, although it brought past emotions and anger to the surface as you described what my mum did to me over many decades. Only now through therapy have I found out about gaslighting and that she is narcissistic. The arguments we used to get into and the utter frustration & anger she would cause me by twisting and turning facts and her version of events to avoid accountability. And the word sorry I cannot ever recall leaving her lips, even when she really hurt me with her actions and I explained, she could not say sorry. It’s exhausting & upsetting and a lonely place to be when you have to accept your mum has no empathy for you & it’s all about her.

Gaslighting term has been used in High Court Judgment in the Family Courts February 2022 in the UK in a move described as a “milestone” moment. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I used to try and explain myself in so many different ways about the same thing just desperately trying to be understood, it never worked. It’s the same now sharing the care of our children. Simplicity is the key.

It’s hard to just tell it how it is. ‘They wet the blanket and blame the pee on you’ you are right but it’s still hard. Keep going!! Cast the ‘dementors’ out. Don’t let them suck your joy!!

I have a sister who is the middle child of five kids. She acted like she was helping me get out of a bad family situation. I naively trusted her. She played everyone in the family. She acted to the rest of the family she was helping them and doing them a favor by helping me.

My parents went overseas for a couple of weeks when I was a kid leaving me "in charge" of my mentally disabled but much older sibling (WTF!!!!). I didn't feel safe. One argument with my sibling ended in them choking me to the point of strangulating me but I was able to fight back and got away. Due to their condition they always magically forget everything that ever happened. I phoned my parents overseas but they said what could they do!!! WTF. Thankfully it didn't escalate more but when they got back I wanted to talk to them about it again but then they shut me down and said what do you expect us to do? Put them in jail? WTF!!!!! No, I expected you to keep me safe and get my sibling help, but clearly you don't care about me. I was traumatized by that experience and it still troubles me. I brought it up with my mother a while ago and first she said "it didn't happen" then as I pressed (mistake I know) she said "that wasn't my understanding" (WTF!) then as I angrily replied that "you weren't there, you buggered off overseas and left a child "in charge" of a mentally disturbed person, so how would you know" (triggered yes!) then yelling over me she said "you have NOOOOOO idea how hard it has been for me..." I hung up and never called her back...that was a while ago now.

_If you don't give a sh$t, you can't be manipulated_

Darren, many thanks for your succinct, insightful comments. They've helped me SO much this past few years. What a calming & supportive presence you have too. I'm sure other folks find that as healing as I do ❣

I think the smartest advice here is to keep a journal of moments you think someone is gas lighting. Sometimes you can notice a pattern and it helps you know what to expect in the future / how to react

This is certainly the most in depth, comprehensive and insightful explanation of gaslighting I’ve encountered. Amazing!!! Thank you!!!

I'm an older lady, but I noticed that a lot of men dating use this tactic to get a foot in the door. They think doing this will make you doubt yourself and need them more. Kind of like you're lucky to have me even if it's a first date haha. Maybe they're used to this but they really want to move ahead with the date using a form of gaslighting maybe because it's worked before. It's what they know.

Journaling Helps to Keep me From Being Able to Deny My Own Reality. Trusting Patterns + Trusting Myself.

You are the expert on you and no one gets to tell you what you feel or think! 😊 spot on. Thank you Darren 😊

They use words ,like they swallowed a Dictionary, they change on a weekly basis, they put words in your mouth you can't get an intelligent conversation out of them ,or never be able to have a heart to heart .about the relationship,so dismissive so intense ,they are messed up people ,RUNAWAY 👍👍 they go into lawyer mode..

Priceless articulation of the subjects. I couldn't stop adding to 'watch later'. Thank you. 🎉

That was very helpful, Darren. Thank you. I was indeed in many a situation before when others attempted to gaslight me. Now I know without any thought of doubt. But, as I am the way I am, I didn't succumb to it. I kept asking questions, inquiring into things that didn't make sense, and, guess what? Those who were gaslighting were left speechless, they didn't know how to respond. They, more or less, simply backed down. While nothing was really accomplished, at least further potential damage was prevented.

This was Great! 👍

You are sooooooo good! Sooooo thorough and detailed. This is healing for me to hear this. You are the first one that I’ve heard that has said to call it out if it’s safe. All the other channels say to never do that because it will never change them. They will never admit what they do. While you do say, they don’t admit usually, there is some power for the victims to be able to call it out. To let the abuser know that we are on to the behavior.

There you go, explaining my siblings’ behavior, again. 😞 They best way to not get hurt by gaslighting is to avoid the gaslighter.

I was abused at a hospital and called to make a complaint at the patient relations department, and this woman tried to gaslight me toward the end like what happened was normal it’s wasn’t. That’s not that’s not acceptable that’s not what happens. I’ve never been treated like that in my life. I’ve never had somebody do that to me, she was trying to make what was done to me normal or OK no it’s not, and she tried it twice. Tried to gaslight me twice I called her on it and I said no I’ve never had anyone do that to me I would never treat anyone that way.. but she asked me did I think it was criminal? What does that mean? What is it criminal? I don’t know I have to think about that one. She’s basically trying to get me to admit to stuff so in case, I tried to sue them which I wasn’t going to anyway but it’s amazing I mean it’s everywhere people gaslight you everywhere you go and tell you what you saw or what happened didn’t happen and all but it was all right. No, it’s not.

Excellent solutions on how to deal with people who insist you are “too sensitive”or “can’t take a joke”. I have a few people in the family like that and I’ll add this to my response arsenal.

They use word salad, and confusion as weapons.

Omg they are soooooo are so exhausting. Being calm can be such an effort when they trigger you. It feels like you are giving in somehow

Thanks Darren and I'm looking forward to watching this with a late dinner soon! House repairs/renovations are going well but exhausting although I'll be glad when they're done especially for the Winter coming in 😅 Best wishes and hugs ☀️☘️❤️

Too embarrassed to answer back , Darren that’s bang on , you hit the nail on the head .

Minimizing has been a constant in my life I am learning what it looked like and how I can know my self better

I am going to work for a narc, his wife actually. She is incapacitated. He is a handful. These videos are helping to prepare me. Thank you so very much.

They’re clumsy because a lot of them Aren’t doing it on purpose , they have that delusion.

as the fact to see it isn't always malintend of the other. thanks for the information available for all people.

Your comment about controlling language hit home for me. My sister had involved me in an illegal scheme, she had falsified legal advice and lied for years about it. I told my parents I had to get legal representation… all mum could say was ‘how can you use such horrible language as ‘lying’, your sister is very sensitive you know’. Right, yeah, thanks mum. So I can’t call a lie a lie. And I’m the problem, not my criminal sister. That totally explains the terminal rot in our family. I’m out.

I had a person who held a supervisor position who did this alot. I was young and naive then. So I didn't handle it well. But this experience of gaslighting from the supervisors behavior taught me to be wary.

Wow this was powerful you don’t have to justify your point of you you don’t have to explain it you don’t have to fight for it it’s yours and it’s your right to have your opinion do you like to wear blue dresses and somebody says blue dresses are ugly that’s their opinion I don’t have to justify why blue is beautiful by the way I really appreciate your videos I really do thank you so much so intelligent so much information packed in so quickly I watch it double speed and Man that information is coming fast fabulous thank you 🙏 🙂💌

Thank you for sharing your awesome vids

Thank you again for your help and all your videos

God bless You. Amen

Excellent, thanks.

Thank you.

how many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb/?? none...they gaslight

Fantastic content 👍👍👍❣️

This video is so helpful

When i call gaslighters out, they start playing victim. Look at how many he is to me. Then they start naming calling and people believe them for i dont know what reason.

I find that People who need to be important or control tend to rewrite the past to their perception of it. and will be quick to take advantage of any doubt you may have in yourself even try to bolster or add to it.

Thank you Sir! Asking them what the joke exactly was is REALLY goo advise!!! Never thought about that before. I am gonna watch the boundarie videos now. This was truely a blessing. Thank you for answering our questions. Oh, one more... How do we deal with people who cross our physical boundaries? For example we tell them that we do not want to be touched and they "accidently" touch us anyway? Ino there is no other option then leaving or sending that person away (if in your own house). But are there other things we can do and can we engage with such person another day again (as long as they behave that time because they have learned from the first time that you are serious about honoring your boundaries) or would that undo our boundarie? Thank you in advance! Bless you!

Gaslighting has always been around in the old days it was actual whispers around your neighbourhood these days the number one way of Gaslighting is social media

A lot of this made sense to me but it is edited with no space to breathe, I will have to watch it again to try and take it in

yes, my sister uses recordings and out of context comments ive said, to prove how monstrous i am. i know it sounds lame, but she actually enjoys getting me dysregulated and then using my incoherent behavior as proof how horrible i am. she won. i lost a sister. she will only correspond w text. and now, no contact. i have pretty bad neurological damage from several types of abuse, she even went to court against me after my father died. so nothing i could say or record would prove the damage she has done in my life. but she has every angry word ive ever said recorded. gaslighters will always win, because its important to them to win. guilty consciences have gotten out and are driving the ir buses.

Hey Doc/ councillor,. What kind of camera are you using? Have a look at it, and it's features. For some reason, it keeps blurring you and focusing on the neat background you got there. I suppose, it's hard to avoid because of your seating style ... Just wanted to mention it, in case you are able to do something about it. I usually lock the camera focus on me, that way it doesn't have the option to roam freely and focus on anything else :) And It goes without saying, I really appreciate and thoroughly value all the education and clarity, that you impart to us.

I think it is best to stop speaking with abusers that do that to others. I am done with those that have kept that up.

Punish or protect society. Question as old as time

At work: I have a google doc and an electronic folder started right now. I add to it as things come up. I am ready to picking up a free calendar to make notes on the weird gas lighting. Emails, and "work orders" are all going in it.

Gaslighting is normal! to a CERTAIN extent!

My narcissist sibling who has many a time harmed me financially by telling me her tales of woe and sadness. I would feel bad for her and lend her the money, only to be gaslighted later and of course the money lent was never returned. She literally denied ALL those instances that she borrowed money from me. The best part was she set all the text messages to "disappearing msgs" mode. She even blamed me for the money that she never returned, saying I must have lent it to some other person ! I guess that was gaslighting.

Darren is cute

I get the concept that we should be more forgiving to people that actually believe what they are saying. but even if someone really believes another person is bad without giving the benefit of the doubt its wrong. cuz there is an easy solution, just give the other person a chance. Gas lighters love to accuse others of gas lighting.

💚💚💚

👍🏽

What you have told about gaslighting is being faced by so many of us. But to tell you the truth the sufferer comes to know it sooner or later, but the gas lighter may not know about himself or herself being a gaslighter! Do you think differently? Thanks so much 🙏

Hardcore problem

Going through this on many fronts _ I'm being trained to be a 'princess warrior _ a REAL one_ I belong to Jesus. Oh yea_ all women belong to Jesus. ❤

How would characterize gaslighting with honest critique?

When I go to doctors I record A lot of providers in the health. Industry r narcissist and sosyopath

Dragging into Gas-lighter's drama can be energy consuming.

I forgot to add they’ll start to complain to others about how uncaring I am. And if someone brings it up to me I say, “Yes, I’m aware that he’s painted himself as the victim in all this, but you don’t know what he’s like privately.” And if they ask for an example I say, “I’d rather not discuss it if you don’t mind”.

Is Narcissistic Amnesia a REAL Thing?

Is it possible for someone to gaslight or lie to themselves about something as big as cheating on their partner? I’m only asking because I have seen a partner who is manipulative and seems to deny all claims of lying and cheating, despite hard evidence that their partner brings to sessions. They just seem to think it’s the partner’s fault for not believing them.

yup, call em out.... thats how ive ended up in civil court .... 2nd application. .. i dont want to fail... and i most likely wont ... [they are criminals] so... i do have two more legitimate applications, if this one fails... .. anyway, if the Court does hold them accountable [this time] ... that little fraction of Justice... that little fraction represents a whole friggin lot... ya ... Lo.... ............................... ...................................... ............................................. .. sigh

Gaslighters can kill a person and call police to arrest the corpse. Every person who isn't like them, is ENEMY. They need your attention more than food and water. Try to pretend that you agree with everything...just become their 'clone' on purpose, to see themselves on you. They will love you in an obbsessive way!!! Don't argue with them. Let them feel the comfort that you are the 'mental trophy' for them. And one day, just delete any possible contact with them. Save yourself by planning an 'emotional ambush'

What are the words to use to respond to a gaslighter?

I think I’m concerned about who manipulated the police department into gaslighting me - and the district attorney into not helping me- there is sinister behavior here that goes well beyond gaslighting- we’re talking high level confidence games - very serious and dangerous to my life

DFM 👍

I am on to them. tfw weak

I knew I wasn't wrong. I haven't got a family. I never had.

narcists do wrong, change history, play mind games, act victim ,create chaos and disturbances among innocent people,

I found that saying “I disagree” and then walking off is very effective. And if they say later that I don’t want to discuss it or hear their point of view I say, “You’re right. I don’t “. And if they want to know why not I say, “I don’t have to explain myself to you.” And if they keep bringing it up, then I walk away again. Now at first they double down and accuse me of all kinds of things to which I go back to “I disagree”. And then they start in with the “I don’t understand. Why are you being this way? Why won’t you at least discuss it?” Then I say “Because we disagree on this and I don’t want to have an argument.” And if they keep on with “But why?” I say because I said so and walk off again. And believe it or not, if you keep this up long enough they will eventually quit.

My husband have narcissistic personality traits. I recognize this few year ago. My son is 26 year old he wants to marry a girl which belongs a disfunctioning family. She have no good job, very fat, not good looking, I opposed him. I am feeling we had no bonding (son and me) I did to much struggle to raise him. I need good counciling for him.

If you say something more than once, it is nagging.

If i gained a dollar for every woman on the internet that diagnose her partner as narcissist while staying with him, i'd be millionnaire. 😂 Narcissism is rare.

i had two close friends who are gashlighters. I met the one first and he introduced me to his friend. They seemed to have an eccentric relationship. Very specific patterns of political, religious, erotic, beliefs. After a few months, they argued about who is right about the covid vaccines. One argued that we should do them and the other did not. For this insignificant occasion, they began to tell me the worst words about each other, their most dirty secrets, how much they hate each other, how much unforgivable betrayal they experience. I had two faces, talking back to each other, and it felt like they were the same person.!!! when I started to confront them, they accused me that it is unethical to say to their secrets, and mind my own business. I cut them from friends finally. They broke me down psychosomatically.. I had some brief panic attacks. That's my story. Even my worst enemy, if i had one, wouldn't deserve that 'pain'