Absolutely! I notice immediately when I no longer have to mask or “code switch” to “allistic.” It’s like “Oh, I can deploy the other 95% of me? It’s signal and not noise?”
Yes!! 59yo self-diagnosed 2 mths and realising why most (99%) of the friendships in my life have been so instantaneous, and they've almost always been with people that others were considered 'odd' or 'strange'. It all makes sense! (I couldn't connect with the 'normal' people anyway, and they rarely ever liked or wanted to associate with me. It was definitely a 2-way street!)
After discovering that I was autistic in my 40s, it is usually quite easy for me to recognize "members of my tribe". As I often say, we're on a different Operating System!
Meeting other "weirdos" isn't always comfortable for me - it kinda jolts my mask. Maybe I wasn't ready to take the mask off in that moment out in public. But, I will remember that person and possibly seek further interaction!
One of my friends from college was a “weirdo” and I gravitated toward him like a magnet. I’m autistic, but also introverted. My friend was loud, weird, and extroverted. I have never been comfortable showing my “weird” side as I always get looks. But this friend didn’t care. He was fully himself. Unfortunately, as time went on, I lost contact with him. He got married to my ex, moved to Eureka, CA. Last I heard, which was several years ago, his mother had to pick him up and take him to her home in San Diego. He had a mental breakdown, was walking the streets and hearing voices. Not only was he neurodivergent, but he apparently had schizophrenia.
@@taoist32 I understand the discomfort, but regular allistic people exaggerate the fact of what's different about our class. Disabled and regular people we share more experiences than most people are likely to realize.
@@taoist32 Schizophrenia is probably just another dimension of neurodiversity. Sadly, schizophrenia in our modern western culture do far worse than in other cultures where schizophrenics often became medicine men/women and had a purpose and outlook for that intensive and focused creative mindset.
It's strange to me how I can click with some people almost instantly, and others I can't seem to relate to regardless of how much effort I put in. It really is a matter of operating systems, which can be worked around but not completely overridden.
It seems that communication efforts between autistic and allistic individuals are often one-sided, with autistic people frequently bearing the burden of adjusting to allistic norms.
I tend to meet people in family units, so I watch the kids. If I see signs of neurodivergence (kids mask less), I watch the parents for signs. If I see signs in the parents, I watch the kids for confirmation. All in the interest of making an actual friend who doesn't get thrown off by all of my quirks.
This is interesting. I'm not social whatsoever, so I'm not meeting new people. However, I could see how this approach could be helpful. Thanks for sharing!
Never tried that, but will. I am not testing positive for autistim, but I feel I have mild traits. I do a lot of the things listed here in all the videos. It has left me wondering. But all the tests say below the threshold. Except a test I took about stimming and I scored a little higher on that. So figuring I am low grade neurodivergent? Interrupting and all that is common in Hispanic culture / hand gestures and all that.. so hard to tell if someone is autistic or just from a festive culture
The part about sharing one's similar experiences only to have them be received as hijacking the conversation, making it about "me" is heartbreaking to me because I have seemingly always offered up my own experiences in kind, to attempt to form a bond with the person in the conversation, not to dominate or divert it. It is meant to say, yes, I understand you, and I empathize, because I've been there. It's meant to be soothing but now I see that it probably isn't, to some people. Perplexing, though. I'm going to ask a friend with whom I have phone conversations how she takes it when I talk about my analogous experiences when she is talking about hers. Will be interesting to see what she says.
I can totally relate to being told that I make it about me when I am sharing a similar story to show empathy. It's so annoying because I think so many times I can tell a story only to end up feeling like it fell on deaf ears when the listener either moves on with a new topic or says something inane like...oh...that's interesting. When you're actually doing the opposite of self centredness it can be disheartening. I feel like I listen well and am proactive about ensuring the person feels heard but maybe only another autistic person can read it like that. In terms of an analogy lol...most conversations feel like I am holding my hand out to high five and the receiver turns away or at the very most half heartedly gives my hand a tap.
@@Pumpkin-vg1ur Good analogy with the high five. I understand the disheartening feeling you describe, and I'm sad that you experience that. When I share my own experiences it's also because there could be some helpful tidbit about what I experienced that my convo partner could use to THEIR advantage, which is why I want to share it, not to make it about me. So to be received with a tepid hand tap or deaf ears is not very smart on their part. When I listen to people, I'm attempting to do two things: be empathetic and "there" for them as well as to glean information that I can find useful for myself. To me, this is win/win type conversation, when one party gives and takes, then the other gives and takes like this. We both benefit by feeling heard, supported, and by learning new useful things. But I think a lot of people, maybe divergent as well as not, just like to hear themselves talk, is all. They don't want the back-and-forth, and don't want to learn anything, just want to vent or hear their own voice or something. They are transmitters, not receivers. I try to be a two-way radio.
@@foljs5858 I just wanted to clarify that my comment in response to @Pazymaspaz, was me completely resonating with it (I do it all the time), and I consider the term "oversplaining" to be one of affirmation, acknowledgement and acceptance that my friends and I use (introduced to me by Roxanne Emery of A.D.H.D Love) and that I love! Adequately explaining is another great way to describe it!
Hmm, perhaps autisplaning would be a better term. As a male who happens to be autistic, and who is also considered guilty of mansplaning by a good portion of those he interacts with, as a result of simply acting on a desire to make an honest attempt at communication, I cannot help but find this provocative concept as functionally analogous, perhaps not only as an adequate description of an inherent symmetry between concepts by means of metaphor, but also perhaps as a means of shedding light more formally, on the distinct categories of male and female minds, with parallel functors corresponding to the categories of autistic minds with those of "normal" minds.
Yes, it's a big one. Neurotypical people generally don't do that. An exception would be maybe if they're trying to demonstrate dominance, as if they know more or have done more impressive things in life. It's all about intent. An ND person is not sharing stories for those reasons. An ND person, and more specifically an autistic person, is sharing stories because they are trying to show the other person that they heard them and demonstrate how they relate to their experiences. They're trying to build connection and move the conversation. I suspect it's because coming up with questions in the moment can be too hard and unpredictable. It's much easier to draw on lived experience. Now, not all autistic people do this, but a lot do.
I've always done that, and I could never understand why people are upset by it. I'm showing I get it! Isn't that what I'm supposed to do to show understanding and empathy?
@@MartinMCade in my experience it can be interpreted as trying to make it about me. JFC, I'm just trying to build some rapport here. NT are exhausting. I would never think that someone sharing a similar experience is them trying to make it about them.
I met someone I "clicked" with ... we've been married coming up on 12 years now, with two kids. :) And when our older son was diagnosed with autism, we started looking at ourselves, and let's just way we realized he inherited it from both of us.
Unfortunately, the main reason I spent far too long looking for answers was my daughter. (Far too long because I wandered through half of psychology until I came across ADHD and (Asperger's) autism). Intuitively, I saw at the age of 4-9 that she was quite different and very quickly overwhelmed. Unfortunately, contact broke off after my separation, which made the search more difficult and prolonged. But it is still very satisfying to find the answers in the end, which can and are so life-defining and decisive. I would advise every parent to always look for answers, whatever the cost. Unfortunately, if you don't yet have the answer yourself, you are more than a little let down by professionals (probably partly due to a lack of understanding and knowledge). However, videos like the one on this channel are perfect for this purpose. Thanks Karen.
Must be nice. I was never good enough for my wife, now we're divorced. I'm back living with my mom until one of us dies, with no transportation, no friends, no purpose, almost no money, and no hope of anything ever getting even slightly better. If being autistic was somehow worth something, if it made life better in some way, that would be great. But for me it's 100% suffering, failure, and loneliness.
@@JB52520 I would strongly recommend following steps: 1. Daily workout/nature walks for Dopamine 2. Search for a purpose, but give yourself time. Look in all directions without pressure, and I bet you will find it. (I found mine in music plus some other activities I will not disclose here.)
@@JB52520 I feel (ha) you, man. When so much hinges on fitting into a certain mold and being socially acceptable within five seconds, neurodivergence feels like a curse. The thought of a cure is anathema to so many, but there were many times I did not want the difficulty of being different. I wish I could offer you more than this sympathy.
I haven't been diagnosed but when I talk to someone who also overshares with me and we probably tell each other too much I click with them. We get each other and it's like we've known each other for a while 😊
Whee! I do almost all of these all the time. I have a couple of friends - both of whom are autistic or AuDHD - tell me they are sure I am AuDHD as well, based on my behaviors and our conversations. I've never been assessed by a professional, though. I'm 43. I definitely notice the difference when talking with them versus talking to neurotypical people. It's easier with them. We get each other and can have hours-long conversations with none of us feeling awkward or unheard or like we're being "too much." It's lovely. When I talk with neurotypicals, I can see them mentally checking out or even falling asleep, and it's not pleasant. It always feels harder because I don't like too much small talk, and feel like I'm saying too much but can't stop until I've gotten to the point I'm trying to make. Then I just feel awkward and usually shut down after.
3:37 Your speech doesn't seem awkward to me at all. 4:25 Telling a relatable experience back to someone has always felt like a natural way to connect. Apparently it is considered rude among NTs! I've been doing that forever and had no idea until recently! 10:47 Does wearing the same brand and model shoe for almost 20 years count?? :)
Yes, apparently telling a relatable story is rude, but expecting to be the center of attention while you're peppered with questions is not 🤷 I dunno, I give up 😂 Also, if you go back to where I was talking about my speech, I think the bigger tell is that there seems to be a disconnect between my facial expressions and what I'm saying. I didn't notice until I watched it back.
To me, sharing similar experiences was a logical way to connect and, well, share. It took me a long time - well into my 30s after I finally graduated from university and started to experience higher concentrations of so-called "normal" people - to realise that this wasn't considered appropriate by others in many situations. As for 10:47: I have worn essentially the same outfit (same brand/size jeans, black top/t-shirt, same brand/size shoes) almost every day for the last decade and a half. New clothes are stressful, and decisions involving new outfits doubly so. If forced to deviate e.g. for work events, weddings or whatever I can usually force myself to do so, but the two thoughts that really stress me are (a) how horrible will these clothes feel to wear (silky, flimsy or "floaty" materials in general make me deeply uncomfortable, whereas denim and good heavy cotton seem straightforward and predictable) and (b) will this outfit make me stand out from the crowd (something I like to avoid as much as possible).
People say that about me too. My face is deadpan and people often think I'm hilarious, especially when I'm being very earnest. They think it's dry sense of humour 😂 its not but at least it's not isolating me@ProudlyAutistic
Lol. I have been wearing the same brand and model of shoe for 30 years. Lately I haven't been able to get them. My current pair is falling apart. I'm going to have order online and pay extra cost!
I'm very excited all the time when I'm around people I'm comfortable with, but I have trouble knowing when to stop talking or let them speak they have to interrupt. I'm either spaghetti mouth or mute. I can also talk really fast when I'm happy and infodumping. it's never really consistent
Have found recently that "autistic society" is really no different than all of the rest of society. Same attachment issues, same codependences, same neuroses, same traumas. While other autistic people are far *easier* to talk to, it's also easier to get caught up with autistic narcissists, and others who've learned exploitative behaviors. Case in point. I went to a local restaurant (the only one in our town) and while we were there my kid ran into another kid from her class. So that kid's mom got to talking to me. I realized immediately that she at the very least had adhd because we were both topic-hopping with ease. So I mentioned it to her and she completely agreed. But further conversation elicited red flags that made me realize I probably didn't want my daughter and I spending too much time with them. The adhd part made her very *easy* to talk to... but it didn't mean she was a good person. That's what I've really been struggling with lately. Yes, I can find people who're easier to talk to; but I still have to find someone who has values that match mine. Somewhere along the line I made the mistake of thinking that "other autistic people" would be more... something. More aware maybe. Less blinded by far-leaning political views. Less prone to lie or manipulate people. Less needful to always be the one in control. I realize that I myself am anxious/avoidant... I can't claim to have a healthy attachment style myself. I see it becoming healthier at times. But I don't think I've *ever* met an Aspie/autistic person who had a full-blown healthy attachment style. By and large they seem to be mostly avoidant, with a smattering of anxious/avoidant thrown in. Now, I'm not entirely sure why I'd thought that they would really be any different than anyone else. It's like deep down I wanted some private utopia to be a part of where I truly didn't have to ever mask, and where people were legitimately up-front. I guess I see now both why people try to build utopias and also why they don't and can never truly exist as such.
Yeah being a member of a minority group does not automatically make you a nice (or, on the flip-side: evil) person. Makes sense when you think about it. The grouping of minorities is just socially-constructed short-hand.
@@daverave999 Thank you for saying so. I actually felt it was something that some people might not want to hear or that may not be a very "popular" idea. It's just how I feel. I realize people on the autism spectrum have *different* traumas than NT's... but they also have most of the same ones as well. I worded that part poorly. When I found out I was an Aspie and that I "had people" it meant more than anything else in the world to find "my people". But I'd really put them all on a pedestal of sorts, and I've been learning that just being able to talk to people more easily is mostly just that. You still have to weed out to find what kind of people you're looking for, they're just easier to talk to while you're doing that. The "awe" of having "people" wore off I guess.
@@syberphish It very well could be something people don't want to hear, but that doesn't make it wrong. It's difficult for us to see the grey areas, but to see us all as 'good' simply because we're built differently is as simplistic as MSM portrayal of autism as negative. The irony being that we exist on a spectrum too. We're autistic, but we're still people. Everyone, autistic or otherwise, has a history that's shaped their drives and behaviours. We're not a different species, we're just a specific subset of human! I think the situation arises because we've always felt 'othered' and are pleased to find those like us.
Yes. I find that communities form bc ppl are looking for validation...yet in any community people are...ppl with every nuance that entails. Thank you so much for saying all this so well.
4:54 I have learned to minimize how much I try to relate with other people by refraining from sharing my own personal story that is similar to theirs. Sometimes, they are just venting, or full-on trauma dumping, and I carefully select words of theirs to mirror back so that they feel heard. I don't feel closer to them at all, but it minimizes negative reactions, and they often appreciate it vocally. If I shared a personal story of mine, they might see it as me making everything about myself and not listening to them. I have learned to also identify that type of people and minimize the number of interactions with them.
This will always be one of the most confusing parts of society to me…I feel even more heard when people share a relatable story of theirs, especially if they share theirs while acknowledging mine! Yet, I, too, have started learning a balance…trying to!
I'm learning this too, and as another has stated, it is confusing. People don't want to connect, they want to be heard. Ok. Then they say autistic people are antisocial and have social issues - but many of us do and want to connect on a personal level. But people in the world I encounter don't want that they want to vent and be heard. They want someone to say "that sucks" and be the end. How am I the antisocial one whenever I want to have interpersonal connections that are real, not superficial? It's very confusing, social rules, they make no sense and I get exhausted and frustrated trying.
@@its.Lora. Yes these are really great observations. Most people seem pretty self centered OR their values lie in other things (materialistic). Also, people have problems they don’t exactly want to get into or realize about themselves
You're amazingly observant. I don't have autism, and not having my story mirrored back, but instead kind of..."hijacked" into their story feels like the spotlight is being taken off my issue and put onto theirs. I won't share ever again with that person.
@@sapphirelane1714 Yes, exactly. 💯 I want to be able to share stories with others and have them share theirs with me where we can acknowledge each other's experience individually and then analyze them, draw parallels, observe differences, and draw inferences as we recontextualize the information in a way that we can process together so that we know how to better navigate similar life circumstances. That's not something I experience with most people so far.
Ughhhhh. Topics and depth of conversation. 15 minutes in if I can’t talk about science and weird sht then I’m not gonna talk to you 😂 I don’t know how people chit chat and not ask each other the hard questions 😅
I would gladly talk science and weird stuff with you. I can get into some seriously weird stuff! Hubby is always amused by me, but he's at least ADHD (diagnosed as a kid), so we can get some extremely odd conversations!
I find it odd that NTs tend to talk in platitudes and generalities, its very hard to not assume they don't know how to connect. Maybe my false assumption is that they want to connect at all, and perhaps I don't consider that they're checking for threats first - either to their person or their reputation. The latter confuses me, but then I tend to make my own judgements and don't ask everyone else for my opinion.
1. How do the two of you interact in conversation? What is the flow of information? Autistic-allistic conversations are lopsided, and they don't click. 2. Challenges exist when following social rules, like interrupting or pivoting topics. 3. How do they speak? Is it stilted or overly formal? Weird pauses? Overly animated? 4. How does he or she react when you tell something about yourself? Autistic people might tell you a story about similar situation as an analogy, rather than a simple "Wow, that's great!" 5. If he doesn't soften the words and isn't always sensitive in the moment. (smaller indicator) 6. This person has an all-consuming special interest, but not necessarily a lifelong one. 7. Person takes things literally and not understand figurative language. This can extend to trouble describing feelings, a condition called alexithymia. 8. Anxious or lacking confidence in social settings; struggle to make friends. 9. Eye contact works differently. Eyes can flit or not look at you in speech. 10. Hand gestures specifically when excited; are they bouncy or controlled? 11. Relationship to sensory input. Some are sensitive to sounds or flavors, while others are hyposensitive. 12. Valuing routines and predictability. 13. What are the topics of conversation, and how quickly do we reach that level? Autistic people might talk sooner about deeper issues. Can be good to cut through formalities but also too much too soon.
@@ProudlyAutistic yes, for me it's around one video game and there is a lot of autistic/adhd people playing it and also watching it, on twitch. A lot of people on twitch don't connect with others in real life and these online community are a nice place to interact with people and streamers around our special interest which is the game we love. Also it's mostly a chat with one person on camera playing/streaming. So the communication is different and for me it's way easier to talk to people who write message in chat, it's like always monologue and only me who speak. Sure we rotate and when I don't stream, I watch other streamer and I become the person in the chat. Ahh you know what I mean, you did live stream already lol
@@ProudlyAutistic Also, streaming on twitch is a way for people to make themselves socially available while playing their favorite video game. While at home in a confortable environnement. And the communication is easy, because the viewers communicate in a chatbox and the streamer is the only one on microphone / camera.
I'm pretty newly self-diagnosed (but also have some unofficial expert confirmation on this) AuDHDer. I've come to realize that throughout my life I've probably been surrounded with autists and ADHDers: my extended family (as these run in the family), my school friends (just happened to have some kids on the same class who I think almost certainly are autistic) and now colleagues (I work in the IT industry). So only in retrospect I have realized why I have connected with certain people much better than with others. But also for the most of my life, I've not had problems connecting with neurotypicals, either, but there is a certain type of neurotypicals that I fail to connect with: the toxically masculine guys. I just feel so out of place with them.
And so you should feel when meeting predators. Something feels off. Yes it does feel off, for a reason! They are out to fulfill their needs, without looking for connection. ND's cannot relate well when we don't sense connection. Therefore animals and little children are so easy to connect with.
It’s because animals and children have nothing to prove. Neurotypicals tend to suffer status anxiety and feel the need to maintain frame or flex 25 hours a day.
Hello, I just wanted to thank you for making these videos! I was recently diagnosed as autistic at age 40! It's a been a very informative but also disorienting experience. Yours as well as some other YT creators videos have been monumental in helping me navigate a lot of confusion in a very difficult period of my life. Thank you!
I'll deviate a little from the topic of the video but I really needed to ask this: Is any of you really good at terminating relationships? I'll give you a quick example: I was talking to this guy I was really into. Then I sent him a spicy pic. He asked me when did I took it. I told him it was the day prior. He goes at me saying how "if I took it yesterday it means I must have sent it to someone else". At that moment, I go to my chats screen, take a screenshot with all my conversations and send him with the caption "If you don't believe me here's the proof, I don't lie. If you're so insecure to the point where a picture sets you off then you're not the right person for me" And just like that, the "guy I was really into" becomes just another one. I didn't feel sad I wouldn't be able to talk to him anymore, it just happened and that's that. I don't know if that's a strength or a weakness honestly. Just wanted to share it with y'all. I'm getting assesed on the 10th so I really don't know if this is an autistic trait or just me being really cold lmao
You know, I actually met my partner (of many years) online. I interacted with a lot of guys, but there just wasn't that connection. More specifically, there was something about the way that I communicated that seemed to turn them off. Then I saw my partner's profile. There was something about the way he wrote that told me he would not reject me for simple misunderstandings or being too wordy. His profile was different in that he gave more context in his responses, he seemed more thoughtful. My instinct was right. Two years into dating, we both found out we were autistic. I realize now that I was detecting his autism in the way that he communicated on his dating profile, even though I didn't know what I was seeing at the time. I just knew he was like me.
Just my opinion, but I don't think you were bring "cold". It sounds to me like you figured out pretty quickly that he's insecure and paranoid, and decided he wasn't someone you'd be interested in. That's just seeing the warning signs and taking care of yourself! But I think as autistics, we tend to be more blunt and honest than allistics. I'm definitely that way! Maybe a ND person would have not said anything and just ghosted him, but I don't think that's a good way to go. I like the more honest approach, myself!
I am definitely not "good" at ending things. I probably would have said something similar (but I don't know how to take screen shots)or 😂😂😂 then nothing more. I would consider his words as more "cold" than yours. And I agree that bluntness is an autistic trait.
I recognize the suddenly being at a snapping point, knowing that a relationship has moved beyond repair. Don’t know if that’s an autistic trait though - how do allistic people know it, or would you think it’s a more gradual and perhaps conscious decision?
I don't flap my hands when I get excited but I start to rock and sway. There have been times when I've met others I suspect are autistic, and they also sway back and forth. It's so much fun to sync and sway while talking to another autistic person! I was never aware of this before, but now I notice it all the. time and it's one of the biggest cues for me that someone else is autistic.
I also look for stimming behaviours, self soothing behaviours and sensory sensitivities. Often these are visible aswell. I work as a substitute teacher, and instantly treat kids according to possible diagnosis, rather than having it confirmed by someone first. It either isn’t nescesary but is still kind, or it gets instant results.
I’m autistic and possibly have adhd but I suspect my coworker at grocery store job is also autistic. He stims during non busy times like runs his hand on the register belt, he also doesn’t always have a filter when he talks to me, a neurotypical might think what he says Is rude but I know he’s not trying to be rude. He also cuts small talk and begins conversations with me already starting on a topic. His voice is monotone, very characteristic of many autistics. I might tell him I’m autistic one day, one of my neurotypical coworkers knows cause I knew him in high school and felt fine telling him. He treats me well, even with knowing I’m autistic. But he’s the only coworker who actually knows, no one else who’s still on the job has ever heard me say the words autism or adhd out loud. Very anxious to tell people other than the coworker I suspect to be autistic
Wow, I relate to pretty much every item on this list. I have really been reflecting lately how awesome it is to have those connections with other people. Throughout my life when I would click with someone in the way you are describing it felt so special. Only now as a recently diagnosed person am I realizing that those individuals in my past whom I connected with were likely ND as well.
Would have totally agreed about communication within ND circles until recently. I now believe personality still plays just as much as a part in ND communication as it does in NT communication.
@@FlamingCockatiel well to start with it was a bit naive of me to not think personality's would be such a big factor, ND's are human after all and personality plays a big part in all styles of communication. I think largely though I am just disappointed that backstabbing seems just as rife in the ND community as it is in the NT's. Many still fail to recognize a narcissist when they are among us, and those that do so are quickly squeezed out with tactics they would never dream of employing against another. Cowardly behavior is another I did not see coming from certain people I thought very highly of until today. Goes to show never take a person at face value not even an ND, even if they say they are all about the NT community. Acceptance and tolerance are words that thrown around the ND community a lot, but those that shout it form the hill tops usually have very little themselves.
hehehe … I use that phrase from time to time … “wearing your heart on your sleeve”. It’s kinda old fashioned, I know, but it’s a great phrase ! Thank you for mentioning it here 👍💗
hehehe … I use that phrase from time to time … “wearing your heart on your sleeve”. It’s kinda old fashioned, I know, but it’s a great phrase ! Thank you for mentioning it here 👍💗
I hate the sound of dishes/plates being stacked and put away. Or when someone is making noises with their knives and forks on plates really drains me. 🙉
I always have the overwhelming urge to respond to people with something I’ve been through that similar to show I ‘get it’, now I try really hard to not do it…. But I have just done it with this comment 😂
Yeah... I do it all the time too. It's like, I'll tell myself to stop, but then there I am, in a conversation and suddenly I'm sharing a story.... sigh.
I am just sharing this because I need to let it out for my own sake. When my neurodiversity was a news leaked out at work, couple of people used to utilize it in a negative way. There is this one guy who tried to relate to me in a nice way, he tried to tell me indirectly that he has also got adhd. He was giving away lot of clues. Finally after couple months, I decided to open up to this person by sharing something personal such as my struggle to meet expectations, this person totally dismissed me. It was invalidating, I am not sure how to respond to these things , so I withdraw. Sorry for venting here..
Personally i have learned to mask and spent time studying how to act around people and a lot of this i have trained myself not to do, or i have a script for situations and it takes a lot of mental energy. Neurodivergent people feel comfortable around me anyway because i don't mind and i understand them.
Wow! I’ve never been diagnosed with autism (only a slew of other psychotic disorders), but an autistic coworker and I used to get along easily compared to the rest of our crew. When I told them I felt like I could be autistic, they quickly looked at me and said, “you’re definitely autistic; it was the first thing I noticed!” I hadn’t been diagnosed with anything at that time, but I do wonder if I’ve been misdiagnosed.
I have been, in the past! I was also given tons of antipsychotics, which did not help, except to knock me out. I encourage you to find a doctor who is receptive to autism testing! I had, finally, found a counselor who I trusted (I’d worked with her before, and she actually helped). I asked her for a referral to a new psychiatrist, because I felt I was being overmedicated. I didn’t even know the bipolar 1 disorder diagnosis was either wrong or not complete (still not sure if I have autism and bipolar disorder, or just autism), at the time, but we figured it out, together. There are psychiatrists who listen out there, though they are hard to find!
Im not diagnosed with autism but i do find that i feel comfort with nuerotypical people and we can have long conversations. I have a lot of trauma and am not sure what type of nuerodivergency i hold.. lol.. but i know something is there, heh..😅
I don’t know if I’m autistic. But I have been told by a well informed family member that I probably have ADD, and a friend tells me that they think I’m autistic. I recognized my ways of communicating in this video. Some find my animation and intensity when talking off-putting and that has resulted in me feeling shamed, self-conscious and trying really hard to modify my behavior. That makes interpersonal relationships really exhausting and has resulted in me withdrawing socially. I’m too old to bother with testing and I don’t see any value in knowing for certain. But I have a few next generation family members who are definitely autistic. Some so profoundly so that they will never be independent.
I find with neurotypical people they only answer questions about themselves and rarely ask any back unless they have a romantic interest and more often than not just stare at their phones when it is a smaller group lol
Another very apt video, 100 percent agreement. Another trait that could probably fill a whole video, in my opinion, is a very strong sense of justice (which is probably related to black and white thinking). Are there other people who can confirm this?
In the last couple of years, I've come to realize I'm autistic. I'd always claimed to have the "mad scientist" gene I got from my mom. Both of us always had some special projects we were deep into. This was a very helpful video for me. I recently had a client who I always chat comfortably with. And she wished me a happy autism awareness day and shared that she was and I said yeah me too, which surprised her not at all. Another clue for me is meeting someone who's trans and uses Linux. I am not kidding.
Oh I really relate to sharing similar experiences during conversations!!!! I’ve tried to train myself (mask) not to do this over many years of not receiving positive comments. I just thought I was empathising by sharing 🤷♀️🧠🌈✨
As someone who rarely goes to the doctor anymore, because they don’t understand me, I love videos like this. However, this doesn’t seem to prove autism, just empathy. Hence the term “ double empathy.” This why it’s so nice when an empath meets another empath. I think autistic people probably do have empathy, but they aren’t as good at showing it. Either way, just make sure that you say you are not a doctor, so you don’t get sued.
Well yes, there's that... 😂 However, many autistic adults, particularly those who were diagnosed later in life, find it challenging to be so forthcoming.
@@ProudlyAutistic Nope, not me. I was diagnosed at 54 and one thing I learned about having ME/CFS is that people generally need to be educated about autism and I'm going to challenge their biases and ignorance by being open and ready.
I spent about and hour typing a comment, but I deleted it. This realization is so overwhelming, emotional, stress & anxiety inducing. I just copied and deleted it, going to save it for my psych testing next month. Thanks for the great video.
Ya it takes me a long time with anything I type up as I have to go back and edit it so much to sound "normal" and sometimes have to just save it and go back to work on it again later after a good break. I will listen to motivation videos to help my mind.
@@kabo0m I finally did get it typed out. But it turned into the longest youtube comment I've ever seen, it was 6 full pages of my phone screen, something like 170 lines of script, which is ridiculous. I sceenshotted it for my psych doctor and deleted it. I basically feel like all of my AuDHD, but the autism side, has worsened now that I understand it. I've hyperfixated for 5-6 months on ASD, and over a year for ADHD. I now understand it all and have an entire vocabulary to express it. When I do something, as I'm doing it, or think something, or my mind glitches, and I cringe, and especially the frequent memories that come up from my past and childhood, it all makes sense. Now, instead of having a bunch of reasons for things: depression, anxiety, being unique or strange, also growing up being forced to live as the other gender (I assumed it was so much stress on me from such a young age, for so many years, that I described it as "mentally scarring" me), and I have a real explanation for my life now. And this isn't to say I don't feel and am all of these things, but now I know the 2 overarching reasons ADHD and especially ASD. Now I am psychoanalyzing my whole day, every action that is clearly autistic, past, and present....and I take mental notes. It all makes sense now. But instead of the past when I suffered in ignorance, and declared an indirect cause, I'm overly stressed, and provoke the worst of my autism. The masks I've crafted, protective walls I built, intentional mental deletion....everything is crumbling, and it's all worse. I've thought about trying to unmask, thinking that I'm fake, hoping I'd be more authentic...and I'm going to somewhat, but some of it has become my natural or comfortable state and should probably remain. Plus, even when I'm masking, I still feel like the realist person in the room in a lot of ways. I hope to one day accept and relax, structure my life and day to help myself, not feel forced into uncomfortable situations and to go out of my comfort zone for others and push myself past my energy limitations. Yesterday I actually had to cut a good friend off. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't have the mental energy to have a multi-day birthday party after 3 days of visiting family for the upcoming holiday. He then tried to gaslight me, saying that I seemed like we have tension, that I was tense, and what I say is backhanded. I honestly did want to go to Miami and see my friends and the city and party....but I knew coming off of 3 days of 3 groups of family and a doc appointment and driving all over the state, that I'd be drained. I tried to explain that I've been very stressed and that I'm neurodivergent and autistic and I have to pace myself....and he was like "you don't feel comfortable around us, were you friends." I told him that my brain is working double time to appear that normal. Meanwhile, I'm vigorously stimming and leaving for periods of time to dance in the mirror or with my shadow and the bathroom to recharge....but after a bunch of weed and alcohol, I'd become chill, careless and numb and be able to hang out easier. He's tried to gaslight and manipulate me and I've seen him do it to others before, so I ended our friendship formally, to preserve myself. I now have....2 other friends. But one is always best friends him, so probably won't see her again either. So, I have one in person friend now. I think I'm okay with that...but I really want to befriend the collection of goth kids from the club, but I'm so awkward. I have many friends online though. Anyway, I digress. I'll take this over the ignorance of the past, because I'm on the road to diagnosis, meds, therapy, etc. I tried to be more concise here. Basically, learning more about all of this has stressed me and made my brain work and analyze much more, and all of the ASD stuff have been amplified most days for the past few months.
Well now I know I'm not because I've never met anyone I could immediately click with and be understood. I'm just insane which is way more helpful and fun except not.
Interesting. I think I follow a lot of what you are mentioning here and recognize most of that as well. But my (undiagnosed) strategy is not to be the most one talking. I'll wait out whoever. I love uncomfortable silences.
Yeah, I tend to be quiet and observe a lot because I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing. However. When I start talking ...oof ...I might be all over the place or might monologue. I do my best to catch myself, laugh it off, and just say "Oops! Sorry! I was rambling again!"
@@ProudlyAutistic yeah, that is a good point. Once I get going. Who knows what will come out of my mouth. I try to keep a thread running in my head of "stop talking".
I know that feeling! I hate being involved or participating socially and I can't get along with most people, but there are a few people who are free from all the rules and structures that neurotypical people have invented to get along with. There were also therapists who cared for autistic people, so I had a good feeling and was automatically able to participate better to the conversation. For these people, things that never really worked before, even under duress, simply work better
I have ADHD with some sensory issues and some autism-like symptoms... I don't have a ton of social issues because I've been masking for so long, but there is a kind of friction I feel with neurotypical people that I don't feel at all with either a) very understanding, patient, and informed neurotypicals, or b) other neurodivergent people. I can usually immediately tell if it's another neurotypical person, though there have been many people that I have met who I didn't know were neurotypical until much later. For example, my best friend and I met in college and we kept leaving our friend group to take breaks at the same time. So we started taking them together. And after 2 years of being friends with him, he finally shared with me that he's on the spectrum. That was 10 years ago and we're still very close friends and understand each other extremely well.
Yes, I feel this friction... and more notably... lack of friction. It's amazing to realize that most NTs only encounter this friction (that we experience constantly) when they interact with NDs. No wonder they are cautious around us, it isn't their norm to be surrounded by people unlike them.
I have been newly diagnosed (as well as my son), and I feel like I can spot autism now like none other now that I have been educated. I strongly feel the pattern recognition comes into play here too!
I can make eye contact with you no problem. I'm not intimidated by eye contact. But if I'm making eye contact with you I'm thinking about making eye contact.
I think this is something a lot of therapist miss when trying to diagnose you, the experience of how we interact with other autistic people. NTs just don’t know and can’t fathom how we deal with each other in our accidental secret autistic societies. It’s just frustrating that we need their « approval » to get recognized and help for those that need it.
Agree. When I got diagnosed, I asked why it took so long. She said it was suspected it was due to doing so many things autistic people were thought to be incapable of. Sigh....
@@ProudlyAutistic Women still commonly get misdiagnosed where as males do tend to be more diagnosed. Also depends on where in the world. Some countries are better than others.
In an ideal world this would be true. However, in my world, masking is the mode of being. I suspect autism in my mother's family but they would never admit it. They have the telltale problems but their solution is masking and with masking comes denial so to them they are like everyone else. When we examine their lives they clearly did not unfold just like everyone else's. There is a lot of loneliness, isolation, rigidity, anxiety and very low tolerance. So as you can imagine this makes them hard to get along with and i do not dare talk about having autism because the defense wall would go instantly up. My mom's family, curiously, has a history of immune disorders as well.
I tell similar stories all the time. Sometimes I wish there wasn't that kind of difference because neurotypical people tend to take offense to it and think that I'm trying to make the discussion about me when I'm trying to understand and relate as well as show that I understand the situation and feelings that come with it.
Funny thing is what you describe as "conversation balance" reminded me about going on some dates where it was extremely one sided. Felt like playing soccer with the other person not interacting with the ball. I assumed they were super introverted or they really didn't like me 😄.
I need advice on how to handle my huge close-knit family of which I’ve always been the outsider scapegoat. I’m terrified of their social gatherings and decline invites because of the distressful noise, hurtful sarcasm, disrespect and triggering flashbacks. Several months in advance I begin worrying because of the pressure to attend, then I cancel at the last minute with a lame excuse, which makes things worse. My sister (golden child) and her family are here from Alaska and I’ve no desire to see her or anyone. Should I tell them why, or will that make me an easier target?
5:37 Yeah, I have learned to catch myself and not state those as my automatic responses. Some people will even ask me what I think and not hold back, and when I go full honest, they tell me feel cut by my words, lol. It's not appreciated by people with very sensitive egos.
Another wonderful video, thankyou. My teen son is autistic and I've recently found a clinical psychologist specialising in autism/neuro-divergency because he need some help with anxiety and processing a traumatic event. In the first session, which was just her and I, for background, she asked me "and do we have a neurodivergent mum?" a very nice, smiley question. Around 6 weeks ago my son had repeated his thoughts that I could be autistic so I'd done a bit of a deep dive with research and was in the process of finding someone to do an assessment. My reply was "I'm not sure actually. What made you ask?" She told me that from my first email she knew I was at least neurodivergent which was hugely validating - to hear that the possibilities were being seen quickly and clearly by a professional. It's a relief and a lot to take in and I'll have to wait for the assessment to know the details but in terms of this video, I've just now been going through current and past interactions in a new light and wondering which autistic/neurodivergent exchanges I've had over the years. I believe that a newer friend is neurodivergent (her son is autistic) so I will find a way to bring up my own developments and see if she volunteers her own. I love your videos and find them so incredibly helpful - both for my son and myself. Thankyou for being you and for the amazing work you do with these subject areas.
Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad the videos are helpful. It's interesting that the doctor recognized neurodiversity in your email. I actually recognized that my partner was "like me" (neither of us knew we were autistic at the time) when I read his dating profile. You can tell a lot by the way we write. Good luck on your journey 💛 It sounds like you have a good plan in place.
@@ProudlyAutistic Can you please expand on "the way we write?" I ask because I've had challenges with writing too much and having it land poorly. Thanks.
@iamdebmiller I'm referring specifically to my partner when compared to others on a dating site. His stood out. Where most men might say they like "hanging out at the beach", my partner discussed how he enjoyed feeling the sand in his hands and watching/listing to the waves. There was something about it that seemed sincere. He seemed thoughtful and was presenting his genuine self, not what he thought others wanted to hear. Aside from that, in my own writing, I know I write more formal than most. I am either overly concise and blunt or overexplain things and repeat myself. I spend way too much time editing myself to "mask" my writing. However, if you read a "first draft", you'd probably sense my neurodiversity easily.
@@ProudlyAutistic Thanks for explaining this. I'd be intrigued by your partner's writing style, too, so I can see why it got you! As for your style, I can relate - I write and write and write. And then I edit and edit and edit!
"relatable stories in autistic communication" - heh you literally described how I communicate :) I am not formally diagnosed as an autistic person, yet, but this video was highly relatable to me. We will know early next year anyway when I start formal assessment.
I've been identifying as AuDHD because everyone I've heard describe their symptoms is describing me, too. However I just found out I have sleep apnea and I've read that can cause symptoms of ADHD, so now I'm confused. I have to wait 6 months before I can start treatment so we'll see what happens.
Some of these are cultural, or have other causes, so best to look for at least a few of them at minimum. I have very strong alexithymia, for example. I mostly lack awareness of my own emotional state, and when I feel something, it's just good/bad, not easily differentiable between specifics. I very well may be autistic, but such issues can also be related to traumatic childhoods. Which is the primary cause? Hard to say. This is more a warning for those that may be tempted to self diagnose off of such information, as it gets complex to do properly.
I remember leaving a bloody track with my hand all over the roof without noticing, and than everyone was standing there and wondering: but who left that track? Who is bleeding? And than they figured out it was me. Since the hand is very rich in nerve endings the sensory disturbances there can be extreme. If your hands feel "unwell" all the time when touching things, a bleeding cut might not make much of a difference in the overall sensory nightmare anymore. Be aware that if you have oversensitive hands cleaning up might become difficult to. For some particularly nasty tasks, like sorting my clothing I have to wear latex gloves (they are smooth inside and its alaways the same type of surface you are touching this way).
This matches my experience as an AuDHD person! It's been so refreshing to find out that it's almost always the case that they are also ND. Problem is, I know, but maybe they don't. I often want to call it out, not in a bad way but in a way that conveys "I see you" and I'm so glad to be able to connect.
Yeah, that's a predicament. One of my closest friends is clearly autistic and I don't know how to have that conversation. Like it's really obvious and they know I'm autistic, but they don't see the connection. I have thought of some clever ways to address this issue with more receptive NDers. I'll be talking about that in an upcoming video.
Unfortunately, it's been my experience that I actually have a really difficult time getting along with a lot of others that I encounter on the autism spectrum. This includes people I've met before they and/or I were diagnosed. Sometimes these are people that I just find immediately irritating and can't stand to be around. Other times these can be people that Iike at first and even become fairly good friends with and then further down the road incompatibilities pop up and everything falls apart in a very unpleasant manner. I have had therapists tell me that when you have two or more people with social deficits, it can increase the likelihood that there will be issues. The thing where you try to sympathize with people by telling them a story about something similar that happened to you, that is something that I absolutely do. I do it in order to help myself process and understand what the other person is going through as well as to try to help show them that I get it, because to me it just seems hollow and meaningless to tell something that I understand what they're going through without providing any examples. However, there have been people in my life, both neurotypical and neurodivergent that think that when I'm doing this, I'm either trying to compete with them or make the situation all about me, and I've gotten some pretty nasty comments from people in the past who I was only trying to relate to and sympathize with. A speech therapist several years ago was able to help bring light to this situation so I was able to explain what my motivations actually were when I do this with my family and they do understand better why I do this, but it doesn't help so much with people that don't know me well. Like do I actually need to keep this in mind and explain why I do it with every person I meet since apparently often even neurodivergent people don't get it either?
I really appreciate this video because I'm trying to find more of us in areas where we are not prevalent. However, while I understand the info semantically, I have trouble feeling it. Do you know of any videos that demonstrate the info in this video through role plays or other forms of examples? If not, I think it would be a much appreciated video for us. If you decide to make one, I would be happy within my capacities. Thanks again! I just found your channel, and it looks like I'm gonna go through a deep dive of it lol ♾️
I've learned over the years to basically just not talk or share anything of myself. People never liked me doing that and I got a lot of crap for it. When I do forget to mask and talk unregulated I berate myself for hours, days, sometimes even years afterwards...
6:43 - basically me. NT conversations can be boooooooring. I get tired of hearing them sometimes and why are they talking? Last group I was in they were sharing about snacks, trips they took, la de da . Smiling and happy while their loved one was in surgery. It was weird. No one seemed upset or anxious. It was confusing. I went non verbal.
sometimes i freak myself out thinking i can't be autistic because i have too many interests... geology, botany, paleontology, meteorology, astronomy (but definitely not astrology), entomology, zoology, gemology and how everything is connected; i'm also interested in sociology and human interaction (which i've studied as an outside observer since childhood), psychology, and different cultures and languages (especially Japanese), big emphasis on trauma and ptsd (because i have those), basically anything i can learn that can help me navigate my own body, inner experiences and excrutiating social interaction (despite caring deeply for other people, it is exhausting and oh so painful); i'm also interested in art and in various crafts, so, that's just too many interests right? but i have absolutely no idea why people watch strangers plays sports and get emotionally invested in a certain team, or why people care about celebrities, or how they can stand to watch an entire movie in one sitting. :3
Something that's usually forgotten is that neurotypicals don't value interactions as much as neurodivergent people. They are used to having some healthier level of feedback and being heard since always. Neurodivergent people are usually more lonely, so they have more energy put into a random conversation. That difference in disposition/energy tends to make the other backup a little, because they are more chilled and less anxious about it. Maybe even lonely neurotypicals. I guess the exception would be neurotypicals with social anxiety 🤔
I think there's some truth to this and I'm pretty sure I mentioned this indirectly in another video. I think it's a mix of loneliness and anxiety about saying the "right" thing that can cause us to be overly excited during communication and unfortunately cause others to be weary of us.
I've never been diagnosed, but all but two of these have been how I've lived my life. I've recently started to explore the idea I might be autistic. I've just been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, which I've always blamed my own poor social skills. I forced myself to take drama and public speaking and got a career as a public high school teacher. I could put on a show for five periods, but everyday was utter exhaustion. I loved staying after class everyday to talk with kiddos who didn't have their own social group. I'd grade papers and they'd read or play on their chromebook or tell me their minecraft builds. We'd have the most in depth conversations and those moments were what made all of the exhaustion worthwhile. I know from their student cumulative information sheets that a handful of them are autistic, and I'm now wondering if I'm just connecting with my people. I knew about the flappy hands one, but I've always had t-rex hands. And the clothes one describes my wardrobe. I am on pair #5 of the same exact shoes, which I bought six boxes of when I found one that I liked.
Another is clothing they wear. Do you see them wearing the same cloths and I mean exactly the same cloths. Like a person I know. met the 4 years late still wearing the same blue shirt with paint stain and the patterned shorts. If you see you'll notice the hoodies. Same hoodie in 3 different colors and I have multiple of each plus two of different type that is more loose knit cotton. No hooding the one of black, grey or white cotton T-shirts with jeans. Socks in my sandals too which I don't wear sandals because people ridicule sock in sandals so Only do that when I'm home and not going out. I will go no socks on really hot days but have be really hot. It's just my feet get so cold.
I recognized the need to at the very least make comment on what someone confides in me before adding my own experience. I am autistic and have the instinct to relate by experience, but I also consider it rude when an experience I share is not validated as the conversation goes back and forth. It makes a huge difference to just make the point of saying something like “yes, I see, that’s frustrating,” before sharing my own experience.
Another excellent video. You explain things so well, and your compassion and empathy shine through. You're creating work that is surely a great comfort to many autistic people, and an education for neurotypical people. Thank you!
I agree but in my case when I communicate with NT they are doing most of the talking and I am pretending to listen when really I am in my own world, I am likely ADHD as well and I am waiting on my results which I get next week from my assessment. If we have similar interests and are speaking on it I may actually listen and interject but because I am an introvert I do tend to keep quiet more about my interests since I am essentially masking but I do think this has something to do with personality as well. When I communicate with other Autistics and ADHD there is definitely a balance and chemistry for sure.
It's not that I cannot follow the rules that are put forward by the powers that be. It's that these rules and policies are often not made to keep people in order, they are made to deny people the privilege of doing whatever they regulate. Like the motor vehicle branch, the reason it exists is not to get you on the road driving it is to deny a growing portion of people a licence so that they do not have to allow them the same privileges as the upper echelon of our society. This is why I'm a libertarian. If I could drive without getting a licence somehow I would do it. The best way to do it is to leave your driver's licence at home, don't buy any insurance, take a friend's car to drive and use it repeatedly until you are stopped by the police for whatever reason. When this happens, tell them you have no insurance, no driver's licence and you stole the car. When you tell them you stole the car, it means by law, they cannot impound the car they have to return it to the owner. So that's what they do.after you get out of the holding cell you can drive your friend's car again.
Hmmm I took a communication course and the information they gave me about people is that Most people are ready to reply before your done speaking But also while speaking most people make their point near the end of their statement So you can see the problem with that obviously I’m not sure it’s an indicator of autism or adhd if everyone does it…
The thing that got me to start questioning if I was autistic in the first place was realizing that my easiest, quickest, longest lasting, and most comfortable friendships were all with people who were diagnosed autistic or suspected they might be. I remember once when I was in my early 20s, I was at my friend's house when his dad had a mini stroke. I was sent to the neighbor's house to get help. She was a nurse and her adult autistic son tagged along so he could run back and forth grabbing whatever medical supplies she needed. Both his mother and my friend's family were baffled by how quickly the two of us clicked. We spent literal hours just chatting together about our special interests and fun history facts. To me, it just felt like comfortable small talk, but to everyone else, it was like seeing an entirely different side of both of us.
Yeah, having autistic friends is a really good sign. Thank you for sharing the conversation about the autistic man. I love the idea of our random tangents being our version of small talk 💛
I check all those boxes too. The difference with autism is that you just feel different than everyone else. It lives right under the surface. You can't quite place it, but no matter how hard you try, there's things that you struggle with that seem intuitive for others. The difficulty and tension never goes away. While outwardly it might look the same, I'm aware of when, say, a social situation is difficult for me due to cPTSD or autism. It does feel different. Good luck on your journey 💛
It's interesting you said they might be autistic OR ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD, but don't have autism afaik, and I've felt the same kind of compatibility in talking to autistic individuals that you describe. I feel like I can let my guard down
Autistics and ADHDers get along very well. In fact, most autistics also have ADHD, including myself. The combo is not a formal diagnosis, but it's called AuDHD.
Wow this is amazing! I am 50 and never knew what was normal. Only what I do and your example of how an Autistic person relates to someone talking about something that happened is 100% and what you said is how neurotypical people reply or react I thought was more of a cold professional not friendly stance. I did not know that is what was normal. This is the first time I heard this! Thank you! That is enlightening!
Glad you found it helpful! Yeah, it's not so much about changing your communication style but being aware of how others might interpret it. For example, I can't stop telling stories. However, I make an effort to balance it with questions the best I can (based on the other person rather than drawing from my own experience).
