It's been 6 years since my sister passed, & I still relive her last week. It's not every day, any more, but it never completely goes away. God bless you and keep you in the palm of His hands. 🛐⚓💜
I hope in time the good memories block out the endtimes with Sarah. Cancer is a cruel disease, not only for the person with it but the families and friends and the caregivers.You helped Sarah with love, thinking it may help but cancer has a life of its own. Hope Sarah is free and guiding you with beautiful memories of the past and spirring you on. ❤
I can't even imagine what you went through during Sarah's final days. 😢 I wish I could replace all those painful memories for you, with happy good ones, but I don't know how to do that. You're so strong and brave to talk about those difficult times. 😔
What I remember, which is a weak parallel to your lived memories, is a video of her shortly before she died, of her sitting by the window, just a bit of downy fluff remaining on her scalp, the sun shining in on her beautiful face, her translucent eyes looking at the sky like she was already somewhere between Heaven and earth. It made a powerful impression on me. It was so exquisitely beautiful. I know dying is a tormenting process, but right there, at that point, it was pure loveliness.
I’m so sorry. When my mom was end of life she also thrashed, her heart rate was out of control, and she could not communicate beyond mumbling. It was the most horrible thing to watch and they ended up sedating her until she passed. Recently I realized you can sometimes get past things even if you can’t get over them. My mom’s passing was 10 years ago this June and I also have flashbacks that send me spiraling. Regret is powerful but remember you did what you thought was right in the moment with the information you had. It does get easier. Sending you positive vibes.
Theresa, I've been periodically thinking of you and your family/families since August. I hope this works as a positive and useful (and healing? I'm not touting it can do that -- I have no idea) outlet as you continue your journey. Continuing to launch all the light, love and KINDNESS I can in your general direction from here in Vancouver BC Canada. Heidi
First, I'm so sorry that you lost Sarah so young. She seemed so genuinely sweet, loving, pure, well intentioned, and definitely made her mark on all of us who followed her. I can only imagine the hole that her absence has left in your life. You did the best you could for Sarah. There is no manual for what to do or how to help a loved one who has a terminal illness. You did the best you could in an incredibly horrific, shitty situation. Sarah, even if she did remember those medical tests that you had to hold her down for, also knew that you were only doing the best for her. There are no right answers with terminal illness-- it's make one awful decision or a different awful decision. You did your best to honor her wishes, to love her, to keep her here as long as you could as comfortably as you could and you did and are doing the best you could and can do for Josh and the kids. You are only one person and you have your husband and child and you still gave of yourself as much as you could. Just remember that Sarah was one of the very first people to know your true heart- even if certain experiences were unpleasant, she knew your true heart and that everything you did was out of love. Your trauma from this is so incredibly valid. I'm currently trying to get through the terminal illness of my daughter. It is brutal. I'm glad you came on here to express your feelings-- those thoughts and feelings have to go somewhere and I'm glad we can hear you out when those thoughts and feelings hit especially hard. ❤
Oh dear Theresa, When my husband died I was just stunned. He was just diagnosed with a fatal disease. It was terrifying. I know that I am not the only one whoever had to deal with a loss in the family but doing this journey of grief is exhausting.
I lost my Daughter. The last words she said to me was "I'm scared" That haunted me for a while, but then I've realised, I was with her and tried to calm her and loved on her. What a privilege we have experienced. Not everyone gets the lasts. I sincerely hope, in time, your lasts, bring you comfort. You are an amazing human x
Sweetie my heart goes out to you, I'm sure in those last weeks there were so many moments that haunt you that we don't realise or understand, it's clearly had a huge impact on your mental health bless you, you know you did everything you could for Sarah but that still doesn't stop you remembering those looks she gave you, I cannot imagine the pain, I pray for you sweetie I really do ❤❤
Theresa I cannot even imagine how incredibly painful it was for you to watch your beautiful sister navigate through those last few weeks of her life. Please give yourself some Grace and know that Sarah is free from her pain and is whole again in the arms of our Savior. Hopefully by expressing these thoughts out loud will give you some sort of peace. The grief journey is different for every single one of us when we lose someone we love. I pray that as time goes on the sweet memories of your sisterhood will replace these thoughts of her last days will melt away. Thanks for sharing! Sending lots of hugs and prayers for you from Fl🥰😘💔🙏🙏🙏🦩🌴Donna
I cared for those in hospice care. They were seniors. Also family members seniors as well. My daughter was 32 passed with pancreatic cancer. My daughters passing, she was married. She left behind two small children and her husband was in control of the situation at her home. There are events on the night of her death I am still and will always wonder about. I need to remember she is at peace, no more pain and is free. I am sure being so involved in your Sara’s care you have thoughts that are Traumatizing for you. I hope and I am sure you will come to a peace about things.
Oh, Theresa-I am so sorry you are flashing back to the most terrible of times with the ending of Sarah’s precious life. These intrusive thoughts are so deeply difficult to experience…be gentle to yourself. Thinking of you with care-I hope you know you tried your hardest, did your best, with no regrets. 🌺
I know how you feel. I have lost so many loved ones to cancer. I admire you so much. I am terrified that I am going to get cancer. I know that sounds selfish to think of myself. My panic increases daily over it. How do you deal with panic?
I have been suffering from panic attacks of an on since Sarah passed. I am currently working with my doctor to find the right medication, I talk to a counselor,. I also Journal, exercise and mediate and sleep if a feel a panic attack coming on. I has taken a lot of work. I hope that helps.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I too lost a child lost my son to cancer, and many off my family too due to a genetic condition I have too.i have to go for a colonoscopy next week which I'm dreading. Look after yourselfs
I'm so sorry. For her to be so young and the actual dying process she went through had to be SO traumatic for you. I had a picture in my head afterward of my mom (who was an expected age for death but she died from dementia) and it took a year for that disturbing picture to get out of my head. Any disease that eventually attacks the brain is really tough to watch, especially when we can see there are rare times when our loved ones are lucid for a short time and then go back into that fog space.
Theresa, it’s not uncommon after going through this experience to be suffering from PTSD. I had the same problem when my I witnessed my dad’s passing. I was constantly bombarded with those visual memories. What finally helped was talking with the hospice nurse about my dad’s behaviors, how his body reacted, etc. it made me feel so much better. If you are not talking to a grief counselor, I urge you to do so. Eventually, the end of life memories will recede and the joyful memories will be more prominent. Sending you love and hugs.
Theresa, I'm so sorry for your loss every day it's such a sadness that never goes away. Right now at this exact time I'm going through a loss of extremely fast cancer that was preluded by undiagnosed stroke and heart attack that's all it really took. He wants no machine or feeding tube. Hospice facility will have him I'd guess a week? I'm so sorry and will continue praying for you and your family. Blessings.
I’m so sorry, honey. This is one of the most difficult parts of grief. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have constant intrusive thoughts about my father’s last days which were crazy because he had terminal agitation and paranoia and a bad scene occurred. I did not see that coming. Thanks for sharing cuz now I know I’m not alone in this.
I found it helpful to write it all down. My brain seemed to recite it all over and over for fear I would forget. Once it was on paper somehow that helped me to relax.
Big hugs, Theresa. I am so very sorry. It must be awful going through these events in your head. It was awful for you to go through them to begin with. ❤
I’m not sure how this showed up in my feed but I’m glad it did. My experience with my mom was similar. She passed a year ago with cancer. The last week of her life at hospice I watched her fidget, toss and turn , and it was so traumatic to watch my mom go through this. And all I could do was watch and walk out of the room and cry. I relieved that all of last year and it still comes and goes. I remember when my mom would open her eyes she was staring but she didn’t know me. I will be praying for you
You can talk to us anytime you want to my dear. Anything to help your dear heart heal. Remember.... It wasn't really Sarah in those hard difficult times. It was her cancer. Sarah was someone who was bubbly and full of fun. Remember the happy Sarah.
I will never forget the despair and sadness that overcame Sarah when they told her she couldn’t move forward with that special trial that she traveled in vain for! It was after that one seizure and she made sure to get discharged from the hospital in time so she wouldn’t miss her appointment. I think she lost hope after that as it had to be one of the biggest disappointments and I feel while she had been waiting for that and off treatment the cancer became quite aggressive. But you were always her strength and her rock and I know Sarah would never hold a grudge against you and the healthy Sarah understands you were only doing what was best for her. Even though it was different than my mom who had dementia when she passed it was similar because my mom wasn’t in her right mind and thought I was trying to hurt her. But I know now that shes at peace and back in her right mind that she understands why I did what I did. I couldn’t explain it to her then but believe me I explained it to her now. Just tell Sarah how you feel and explain to her how much it hurt you that she didn’t understand why you did certain things. That it was because you loved her and tell her you are sorry if it hurt her. I know she would look at you with loving eyes and tell you she gets it now and you did nothing wrong that she has to forgive you for. So forgive yourself Theresa! ❤️🙏🤗
❤You and just remember the sad times can bring you happiness, stay positive! Memories happen for a reason. Let the sad ones go and turn them into a positive reason to be happy. Time will heal all things. Hugs to You, stay strong.
I did the same replay in my mind. I was shocked how fast the end was for Sarah, even though I only met her online a few months earlier and followed her. My sister Susan passed in May of 2001 and I remember it as yesterday. She was my best friend.
My oldest sister was murdered 31 years ago. I was 11 years old. I haven't forgotten her nor what that night was like. Easier? Sure, but its still there.
This weekend is the anniversary of my husband's death. I, too, relive every moment leading up to that terrible day that my life changed forever. It's really hard when your mind bombards you with all the things that happened leading up to that day and ultimately the day itself. I miss him and the life that we had so much😢
Try not to beat yourself up Theresa. You did everything you could to help Sarah the best you could. She knew how much you loved her and had her back, always. We all second guess ourselves after losing a loved one. I think it's part of grief. We don't have any training on how to be or actions we could take during this time. We lead with our hearts and instincts. Are Josh and the kids okay? He hasn't posted in a while. Hoping they are okay. Take care of yourself dear. Sending love and hugs. ❤
I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Sarah. Cancer is so cruel. I have lost family and know this pain. Have you considered therapy to help talk through your feelings and how to deal wth them. You are dealing with trauma, and it is so hard to move on. Their is such a thing as survivors' guilt and that hard. It is a step in the right direction talking to us, and we hope it helps, but you need professional help to mental deal with it. My prayers are with you. You can heal. It takes time. X
I do see a grief councilor and after I am done with those sessions her, will move to a trauma therapist. I strongly believe in it and it has helped me so much. Thank you for your comment.
My husband died in my arms in August 2023. I relive his death over and over and question what I could have done at that time. I realize in my normal thoughts that he was going to die one way or another in a short time so doing anything wouldn’t have prevented the inevitable. It doesn’t take away the trauma of experiencing his gasping and shaking and eyes rolling back in his head. Horrible experience of his final few weeks as he declined and his actual death at our home with no support. I’m sure those memories will recede over time but I still feel them inside daily. It’s like living in 2 places in my head every day. The trauma piece and the normal exist daily with work time. I guess our mind does what it has to for survival. I pray for your peace and for mine.
They were their keeping watch, but during the hard moments, everyone but Josh and Myself would have to leave the room. She was calmer with just the two of us, and it was to hard for other family members to watch.
I’m so sorry for what you all are going thru. But I want to offer hope… or share the hope that I have. At some point, everyone goes through things that are difficult and outside of what we can control. Sometimes… life sucks. Big time. But there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother - His name is Jesus. Do you know what He did (for you)? He laid down His life willingly to pay a debt that neither you nor I could ever pay. He paid the fine for our sins, so that we could be reconciled back to Him. All we have to do is believe, turn from our sins, and put our trust in Him. I’ve been thru losing my husband to alcoholism. And I could’ve never gone thru that and come out on the other side if not for Jesus Christ & His loving kindness. Be blessed
I understand completely what you are saying. I have just one question I really hope to get an honest answer. Because my stepsister also died with 45 y on breastcancer and metastases in all her organs and brain. And in the family we had completely opposite positions about the procedures, which were performed. So we all knew that she will die within the next few days and a part of the family wanted to proceed with brain radition. Even when she was not really aware of stuff. And I didn't want her last days to be a sacrifice for the sake of medicin and papers published about her. So I stopped all treatment immediately and she was brought home. And there she died 3 days later. The family is still devided about all the treatments- NONE of them made her feeling better. Every single one took away her dignity and life force- literally. So in the cancer didn't kill her but all this poison called chemo. So why did you hold her down and who made this decisions??
There were a lot of procedures done not related to the cancer treatment that were uncomfortable but necessary at the time to keep her stable. This was all before we decided to go into hospice. Example, trying to get an IV in that took 3 to 4 times to get in to get her fluids, but her veins were so collapse they had to dig and dig and dig. . She was extremely sensitive to tough and any kind of physical contact due to the seizure and didn't understand what was going on, so she thrashed and tried constantly to pull the IV out. Josh and I had to sit all night and day with her to keep her from pulling the IV out, which she managed to do at least once and we had to go through the whole thing over again. When things started to get serious right before the big seizure, Sarah put Josh and Myself in charge of her medical decisions and was very clear of her wishes, and the three of us were on the same page, so no one else had a say in what happened. We had a family meeting with Sarah there and made it very clear to everyone all the steps that would happen. That helped a lot.
Just remember and let it give you comfort. Sarah is in a better place now, pain free and whole. Sarah is "Free", she is still close by, she is watching. You have your own guardian angel.... I know you miss her, but she is at peace, her spirit is flying free... 🌷🩷
I need to write this down in a place I can see it so that the next time I get stuck in the past, Maybe your words will help me transition out of it faster. Thank you.
@TheresaPDX I am so extremely sorry that you are dealing with such a huge loss in your life. Remember: It is better that sweet Sarah is free, and no longer is having to continue to be in such pain and agony. She is resting peacefully now. Yes, her body is gone as we know it, but her spirit is soaring... Teresa, Hugs and blessings to you and your family...
I’m so sorry sweetheart you’re hurting today and there are so many of us out here including myself that can relate to what you’re feeling and continue to go through. My heart tells me that when Sara left this world she was welcomed into a place of eternal love and light where there is no more pain, confusion, or physical suffering to ever have to endure again. I pray that God will bring you comfort and peace as Sara’s goodness and light radiates in your life forever. 🙏❤️
it's very traumatic to everyone when a loved one goes thru things....hopefully over time you and your family will forget the hard stuff and just remember the joy. ❤🩹
