Rick Warren Testimony: My Son Matthew's Suicide & How Ministry Flows From Deep Pain | Praise on TBN 

WATCH Pastor Rick Warren's full Praise episode for free on the TBN app: watch.tbn.org/praise/videos/hd-p050321

almost 3 years ago, at almost 22 years old i almost took my own life. I was abused as a kid, broken, depressed, anorexic, bulimic, suicidal. I went in & out of psych units like it was a game of Chess. Suicide watch. I was on enough Antidepressants to kill a horse. I hated myself. I wanted out. I wanted the pain to stop. The gaslighting* to end. *(when a psycho makes a sane person question their own sanity, and thus think they themselves are the insane one). I wanted power. I got into witchcraft. I thought it would give me the identity i wanted, to be set apart from people who hurt me. It only made me sicker. Sicker. Thats what it did to me. The doctors said i’dnever get well. That i would suffer severe Chronic Manic depression, and never be well, that id be stuck on antidepressants all of my life. I would plot suicide on a daily basis, binging and purging my food as often as opening and closing a door. The pain was too real. People choked me. Assaulted me. Told me i was ugly, i felt worthless. Nothing ever got better. Then my mother died. The (1) & only soul who ever loved /emotionally supported me was removed from the earth. I was stuck living with people who broke me, ruined my identity, thus causing me to hate God. I thought God hated me, that he was just like the ones who tortured me, a family of abusers, who cover up all their actions with the mask of religion. I didnt know that God is on my side. I didnt know that Jesus would Love and Defend me, and fight for me and that He later would heal me, rescue me from Family. The ones who caused me pain. The ones who choked me for wearing a necklace. I moved out after family threatened to throw all my belongings on the front yard, and have me permanently institutionalized in an insane asylum, when they were the ones who caused my mental illness via abuse. They blamed me for the abuse they did to me. To take my life in an insane asylum when they were the ones who made me suicidal. Next morning i spoke with my dead moms parents who let me live with them. I stayed on the antidepressants, prescribed. But they only made me sicker. I got deeper and deeper into witchcraft, thinking it was a solution. But it made me even more suicidal. Self hatred was inescapable. All my cards have fallen down. I have nothing left. But out. I wanted out. I decided i was going to kill myself. I was going to take all my pills. But then Jesus stepped in. I didnt die. I surrendered my life to Jesus to make me well and heal me. The deity i blamed for me being abused wanted to heal me. He Was fighting for me and Loved me all along. He wanted to love me. He wanted to give me His Heart. HE LOVES ME. JESUS. LOVES. ME . Jesus miraculously healed me - i am off all drugs and dont need them and i dont have any mental illnesses. I have a job and am totally healed , full of joy. I’m now a born again Christian, in my 20’s who wants the entire world to know that JESUS WANTS TO HEAL YOU HE. LOVES. YOU.

"The deeper the pain, the fewer words you use." Pastor Rick Warren

People have empathy for a broken body, but very little for a broken mind. Thank you for sharing this painfull story and help people to understand that chronic depression is reall and thank you for sharing your story. Job’s friends understood the ministry for only one week. they kept quiet and then they blew it! Can soo relate to this

Our Caitlyn died by suicide at 12 years old. We miss her so much. She was precious and beautiful. We will never be the same. It changed our life forever. Rip Caitlyn. Forever 12

I had a troubled childhood, grew up depressed. There were times I had wished that I was not born into this world at all. Had I not found the love of Jesus Christ at the right time I wouldn't be here to watch this video today. The best treatment for extreme mental depression would be finding the love of jesus Christ ......

I believe that God has called me to minister to people who are struggling with mental health. Pray with me for strength and power as I embark on this journey.

Many saints suffered from depression. Suffering with depression is a heavy cross to carry. May Mathew RIP.

My father died from a fentanyl overdose last year on August 14th 2022. I read a comment here that said the greater the pain the fewer the words, and I have not been able to discuss my fathers death with anyone for almost an entire year, not even my brother. He was everything to me, there’s no way to explain the amount of love I had for my dad to anyone, so how can I ever begin to explain to anyone the amount of sadness I carry…

I know what deep depression feels like. I lost my 12yo daughter, Lana, on Feb 24, 2020. I can’t even choose joy when I wake up everyday with a broken and empty heart. I only manage to live day to day for my 14yo daughter, Jadyn who witnessed her sister get ran over by a truck. I long to be in the presence of our Lord, Jesus. Jesus... please come soon! 🙏🏼

Don’t waste your pain. Use your pain as your purpose to help someone else.

Christians need to stop saying ppl that commit suicide go to hell BC one no one knows a man’s heart except God . Two only God can send someone to heaven or hell he is the ultimate judge.Three the only sin he will not forgive us for is blasphemy the Holy Ghost. . Defiling the temple can be over eating, tanning ,being stressed . Stop telling others their family went to hell ... it’s not right .

My son committed suicide on February 22nd, 2021. His Birthday would have been yesterday. He would have been 41. I am so sad. I have a group of people surrounding me. I do not know what I would do without them, to this day, Mother’s Day, 2021. He was loved for all he had done over his life in helping others too. I am still in shock, but also pain. I try to suit up and show up for the most part, but honestly it’s going to be awhile longer before I’m strong enough to help anyone with the kind of strength shown here. I will someday, but till then I’m just trying to be with God in solitude, and writing what God gives me to do.

"The lord is close to those that are crushed at soul and that are broken"

Brother Warren, I lost my 24-year-old daughter to suicide. This has been over 2 years ago. I have never experienced anything as painful in all my life. May God continue to carry you and your wife daily. My wife and I have never been the same. We also hold on to the grace of God. The words God has given you in this short video are precious and meaningful. I hope everyone who has been touched by this type tragedy can take away: you are not alone, and God’s grace will empower you to not waste your one drop of your pain. I write all this with great humility.

My mother suicided at age 21..left m 6 mths old brother, me 19mths old and sister 4yo. Dad a soldier has a heck of a ride . Life's been very hard so I'm pleading please don't suicide, the pain and destruction left behind is more than most can bear. Watch your families your friends, save them

This is rough. Faith doesn't deny reality. My youngest daughter struggles with depression. I know what he is talking about and my blood runs cold. Everyday I have to put her in Jesus' hands. The things she confesses to me are heartbreaking. I watched this transformation take my baby girl as she approached puberty. There was nothing I could do but watch her fall apart. Now she is 23. We just celebrated her birthday. Never stop praying for and loving your child. Ever! Trust God's grace. The cross was enough. This is our only hope and sanity and why people need Jesus.

My husband committed suicide in March of 2019. I literally felt like someone cut my heart open and he walked out! I don’t no where he is now but l do know that God never allow something in our life without a purpose he is still the Lord of my life even though I’m still in pain l can make it because of the finished work on the cross. Keep the faith Saints.

Rick Warren will never know how much he saved and changed my life by helping me to understand more, how much Jesus loves me. God Bless Him and his late son. RIP Matthew.

I'm in pain every day. stuck in what feels like emotional quicksand. My passion for life is nonexistent rt now. I can't imagine ever feeling well again. Everything hurts. When I wake up reality rushes back into my mind and heart. I know my lord and my faith is strong .I couldn't go through this without his comfort . I lost my son 3 months ago. Joey was 26. I found him in the morning and held him as I prayed and cried. It was diabetes related we believe... still don't know for sure. I miss his voice ,his face ,his way , his intelligence, his love, I miss being whole. I miss talking to him, his attitude, his laugh , I miss my baby boy . I miss being who I was. I know one day I'll be reunited with him. I can't wait 🙏 Lord please stay close to me. I'll be needing you more then ever. Jesus I love you.

I lost a brother to suicide in 2013. His statement: show up and shut up was spot on. I had one person who did just that. There are no words necessary because no words can ease that deep pain.

Today I lose my mother, am here because I need some encouraging words, help me lord

If you have ever experienced deep depression, there is nothing you want more than for the pain to stop and if that means going home to the Lord, you pray for that. It’s no different than having a broken bone that stays broken, except it’s your brain. Love to you and your family.

There's a lot of us with no 'small group' or 'buddies.' We go through terrible times alone ...

It’s the kind of tired sleep won’t fix.

"How do u choose joy when your heart is broken to million pieces?"

I pray that my son is covered by the blood of Jesus. I try to converse with him about different things, but he don't really open up to me. I feel that he is holding a lot of pain, hurt, disappointment, fear, anger, and un-forgiveness inside of him. I see videos like this, and it make me concern. I know how RU-vid work, and they use algorithms. But I don't think something like this pop up by accident. So, I pray that he will be alright in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen and Amen.

Please do not give up.. I don't know what you are going through but I am here to tell you that you're not alone, you are important, you are loved and you are special to God. The enemy lies and says that you are worthless because the world doesn't know God. Homeless? I was homeless for 2 years living on streets. Sick? I was sick for a very long time in hospitals as a kid... Depressed and suicidal? I survived multiple suicidal attempts God has kept me alive so I can tell you that he is faithful, he is real and he loves you so much God is keeping you alive for a reason. God can change things and He is faithful.

"Your greatest ministry will come from your deepest pain... I'm not gonna waste pain. So whatever your pain is, use that pain to help others. You're gonna go through pain in life; just don't waste it." - Rick Warren

My son committed suicide 2/26/21. He was 32 and had struggled with depression, due to his father’s committing suicide several years prior. He had started attending church, yet couldn’t bear the pain. I am still dealing with it and struggle with where he will be and if I’ll see him again. My heart is broken.

Your son stayed faithful during incredible pain. He’s now partying and celebrating with our loving Lord. God bless you and your family.

We lost our son to suicide 2/9/18.....worst day of our lives. Bless you.

I just want to say, if this might help. I've had depression all my life, and what helped me is seeing a naturopath, who advised me to change my nutrition because so many chemicals are in the food we eat that it affects our overall health, especially our hormones. We overlook that factor but it's not all mental, it's mostly physical and nutrition. Praying for everyone who is battling with this illness.

I love the phrase “show up and shut up”. So many people worry that they don’t know what to say or do when someone experiences a tragedy. That phrase confirms that you can just be present with someone, and that’s enough.

“Your greatest ministry will come out of your deepest pain.” ....oooo that hit

When my daughter was about 16 she says to me, "if life is this hard, why do I want another 70 years of it?" 😐 What do you say to that..? I told her you haven't even been through the good times yet. Having your own place, go on vacations, been in love, a parent. She's 21 now and in a very "good place" she's happy. I tell her how proud and impressed I am that she got herself through a very tough time. She's proud of herself and optimistic and has a desire to succeed in all facets of her life 🙏

I did overcome depression by a book about identity in Jesus Christ. It changed my life. I was heavy depressed. Didnt want to life anymore and now I feel good. It is possible. Please if you have depression read your bible, its part of who you are.

My husband just died today, he’s my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life. He’s the best man I know. How can I choose joy?

So heartbreaking..this is why DELIVERANCE MINISTRY needs to be revived in the church! Jesus has given us power over the enemy.

“How do you choose joy when your heart is being shattered into pieces?”--all I can think of is finally, someone understands what it’s like to be depressed. Whether it’s for 4 weeks or 40 years. This is what depression is. Not knowing how to choose joy when our hearts are shattered. Seems like Rick found a way, it’s possible.

Job’s friends sat with him seven days and seven nights without saying a word.

“You’re gonna go through pain in life just don’t waste it” ... “you might as well use it to help someone else out” 🙏🏽✨

Our greatest witness to the world is how we handle pain - Pastor Rick Warren

I lost my younger son to suicide 6 years ago. This video was so helpful. Thank you

My heart goes out to Pastor Warren and all families affected by suicide. My 29 year old sister took her own life almost 30 years ago, after a life long battle with bipolar disorder. In that moment, I lost the best friend I will ever have. The shock and pain have lessened over the years, but I still feel so sad that she missed out on all the joy life has to offer. Watching her 2 children grow and achieve advanced degrees. The permanence of suicide is what is so hard to accept.

When I read that his son committed suicide I cried. I asked myself how do a parent get over this? I had a discussion with my son who just turned 18 years old and daughter who was 10 years old and told them whatever happens to you remember that I'm here for you no matter how hard you feel your life is. I love you unconditionally ❤. Yes we all go thru hardship but GOD IS MERCIFUL AND HIS GRACE IS AMAZING. 🙏

As a believer who struggles with all these things..this was so powerful

My father was born blind. His life is the testimony of how to manage your life to the glory of God. He is the most wonderful man of God. His story, is for God’s glory. God’s story is my dad’s glory.

A friend, a true friend will be there when you are at your lowest. They won’t offer any words, they will be there, next to you, silent.

My son committed suicide July 2, 2019 I listened to Rick Warren’s whole story on this several times. It was a life saver when my son died. I feel like I will never be healed. My heart is still so broken.

CH Spurgeon struggled all his life with depression. It is a difficult monster to tame. May the Lord richly bless you and give you peace.

“The deeper the pain the fewer words you use” “Show up and shut up” I have to implement this with my son who has been struggling with mental illness since he was little boy and is still is struggling as a 23-year-old man! This past week has been a difficult one! Please 🙏 for us!

I suffered from depression, drug addiction and eating disorders. The drugs made my depression so much worse. I finally turned my life over to God and let it be his will and not mine.

My Pastors son (also my friend) recently committed suicide. I immediately sent this video to them. Thank you Pastor Warren for sharing your testimony!!!

My son committed suicide 2 years ago he was 26 years old, he would do anything for anybody he had the biggest heart I have ever seen in a young man. There are so many things I don't understand as to why he did what he did I struggle with that there is a hole in my heart and it's always there, The only thing that gets me through is my faith in Christ it doesn't negate my pain but it lightens the pain I have in my heart. I hope in the end when it's all over I get to see my son again..

Prayers, I have a son that suffers that way as well. He has came close to taking his life several times. My heart breaks for you so I understand.

My Niece Amy struggled with depression & ultimately finally took her own life. My sister & husband were crushed,& devastated. I thank God your testimony helped them. My wife Marianna now to has had a nervous breakdown due to Pandemic & recent situations & needs a miracle from God, please pray for my wife.

I have dipresshion, I pray I hold on to my father 🙌

Pray for my son James, who has multiple, serious mental health issues. Many suicide attempts, hundreds of cuts, etc.. I had to get a Civil Protective Order and he is now homeless. Pray that he would want to get help and take his meds.

Am so thankful to have found this testimony! My daughter took her life 6 months ago. She struggled with depression and anxiety since her teenage years. It's a pain like no other and I never thought in a million years, that this would be my life.

"You are going to go through pain in life, just dont waste it. If you are going to go through pain you might as well use it to help someone else out"

We can't know if we're going to be in heaven, we hope and pray, but if we knew that, we would be God.

This touched me so deeply. My best friend i grew up with took her own life on August 5 2020 and it's been such a hard time, I've been a Christian all my life but this event took alot out of me because I've had so many tragic events in my life and I know the Lord is always with me but this event hit me hard , I'm in a state of emotional numbness from these attacks on my life since I was born . I know my Savior Jesus is always with me I'll never deny that but I just can't wait to get out of this wilderness. I pray for the healing of everyone who's ever lossed a loved one to suicide my heart is with you!

Am in that situation now, I know God's joy have it but can't activated, I lost my dad the in seven month of time lost my brother.

I unfortunately lost the father of my 3 children to suicide. He too had his battles with depression. He was a man of faith and would say things like "I just want the pain to end" I want peace. He was tired he would also say. He knew the word of God and I pray for him every day even after he passed. Its been only almost 3 months and his lose has left so many answers questions. I have learned to cling to my faith more than ever now. Many people wonder why I have so much strength, but it isn't me its God and his mercy and grace over my life that keeps me going for my children. I have learned to let go and let God take control because I have zero control. I learn to let go everyday because its hard.

I've been depressed for a couple of months now. I've been depressed because I'm not sure if I'm truly born again. I believe in Jesus. I pray every day. But I have not been changed. I want to live for Him, but I just... cannot. I read the Bible and just cry, because I can't do it. I can't do it, I can't feel His love and I can't love Him back. I've been suicidal too. I just want to find God 😞

Yes.. i agree Rick. God spoke to me vocally “i have a purpose for your pain.”...God knows how deep my pain is...I’ve longed to be free of this pain but I’m becoming grateful for it. Ive struggled with metal health..terrible things happened to me before i was 2 then after i was adopted. I want to embrace my pain..please pray for me so i can partner with God in my pain and use it to bring souls to His heart forever.

God help us all...to be sensitive,loving and supportive to all christians ...as we are all siblings in God's family. Lord Jesus, in Your Name!

Oh ABBA!!! "In God's garden of grace even broken trees bear fruit." "Our greatest witness in this world is how me manage pain."

This was me. Literally. I suffered tremendously with major depressive disorder and panic disorder during most of my younger years all the way through my 20’s. Mental illness runs on both sides of my family. I was raised in the church however I was taught and firmly believe it is ALWAYS God’s will to heal. It’s up to us to receive it by faith. Unbelief will choke out your faith. You can have both faith and unbelief at the same time. You have to get rid of all unbelief. I tried many, many medications, was in and out of the mental hospital several times in my 20’s and was mentally tortured beyond belief. There were times I wanted out of my misery but always believed God had a good life and great future for me and I KNEW healing was his will. That’s what I held onto, even in my darkest, darkest days and hours. Eventually, the lord led me to people that helped heal my mind from the root cause of mineral and vitamin deficiency. I talked to a person who had a brother with the worst case of schizophrenia doctors had ever seen, who has now been medication free for over 50 years and has several children and grandchildren. I was skeptical until I got on a natural food-derived vitamin regimen that literally healed every part of my mind. Medication does nothing but cover up the symptoms, it does absolutely nothing to heal the root cause. Today I am 37 years old, married with 2 little children and am currently pregnant with my 3rd. I’ve been medication free since 2012 and I praise GOD for my healing!!! If you suffer from mental illness connect with me, I can help. God bless you all!

Dear Pastor Rick, 2:30am here in Tsv Australia I am listening to your testimony repeatedly. What you have just shared really lifted my heart, *The deeper the pain the fewer words we use*. I lost my 16 year old son through suicide. I found him myself. I prayed this way, Lord please have mercy upon me. Anyway long story short, he stayed another 3 more days in ICU and passed on. I pleaded to our Father in Heaven, nothing happened. My last words were, Lord I asked but You did not give me my son back - But I will still follow and serve You. It was that very moment my life shifted. I truly believe and know there is nothing that takes God by surprise. He is God and He change NOT. He is still sitted on His Throne AMEN 🙏. I pray God's Divine Healing, Favour and Excellence upon your Ministry and it is in Jesus Name I pray AMEN 🙏🙏🙏

Been through losing my only son. My only blood child only through the power and love of our Jesus Christ and savour. That is what kept going on

I lost my younger brother past away from suicide last year I feel your pain

as a suicide attempt survivor. ive been able to reach out to others with depression. medication has helped me so much. Thanks Pastor Rick for ministering to people with mental health issues. Its a ripe harvest. If you feel suicidal; please call 911 NOW. God bless you all.

I’m so sorry about your son Rick! I lost my Dad 17 years ago and my mom too last year. It has been the darkest time of my life for me but I’m still believing that there will be a turn of events some day. I pray that this pain will bring out my greatest ministry and give hope to thousands of people going through what I went through!

When I lost my mom to cancer, after already losing my dad of a sudden death, those who just hugged me and cried with me gave me the most comfort. The most heartbreaking thing was well meaning people,and yet clueless, who would tell me “at least she’s in a better place and not suffering”.

When my daughter committed suicide, she left a note. She wanted to be cremated end I have her ashes in a teddy bear, I can hold her still. I also kept some of her clothes, I can still smell her. She is never far from me. She apologised to God, for that I think she had enormous courage. Rip Matthew and Alison.

Our condolences Pastor Rick. I can truly relate to your feelings. We also lost our son two and a half years ago in 2018. Also by suicide! The worst part is that he was in America and we live in South Africa. He came to visit us in Cape Town early August 2018. He was a beautiful young man 41yrs old. The day he left the airport in Cape Town to go back to the US, he, my wife and I were still talking about making plans to join him and his wife in the US. Little did we know that he would take his own life in September. We are still shattered to this day. We have never had any closure as he was cremated in the US. We also lost our daughter on July 4th 2015. She died from natural causes but both our children suffered depression. My wife and I still wonder and blame ourselves for their conditions. Presently we are so depressed ourselves and suicide is sitting very high up on my agenda. We are pensioners and struggling to make ends meet. Life just does'nt feel worth it some days. My wife is a devout Christian and optimistic but me I am totally opposite at this stage. I feel like my life is done here on earth. I would much rather be with my children.

Oh Lord!!!! Parents passing is hard. How much harder shall it be with the passing away of your own child? Hope God's Peace with both of you.

As a believer. We have to understand and remember this is the closest to Hell we will ever get. Once we understand that we are not here for us, but for others, then you can endure anything

The biggest impact we had on our neighbours was not by being kind, loving pastors but by watching us walk the pain of a family suicide with dependence and trust in a loving God.

when my best friend's mother died, she was crying and i knew then what had happened. i just told her, i'm here.

6 years ago, the testimony of you and your wife made such a huge difference for me while I was mourning a loss. Everything, even unbearable pain, has a purpose

My son was the same . He say why Jesus can’t make it go away so I want to go . This may 22nd last year he just toke the road . Believe me is so painful to see him cry just being depressed. I pray so much for his healing . I stand on the word that Jesus will heal . But I have peace God showed me where he is . Joy is hard but have peace . I know your pain . Keep trusting the Lord

Our greatest witness is how we handle pain. ~Pastor Rick Warren 💯 FACTS!!!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

I have experienced similarly.. we and our son searched the world !!! my son is still alive.. unexplainable.. it’s broken beyond torture.. oh my may my son overcome and I may share with u someday.. love and blessings!!

'In God's garden of grace even broken trees bear fruit- and we're all broken.' This is it.

There’s a lot of unimaginable pain on earth. Living with it sure is hard. I empathize with you I buried 4 children three babies and one 21 year old. None by suicide I try to manage by God’s Grace. I don’t get chose joy but I get that I may not be able to rejoice in my pain but I can rejoice and n God’s sovereignty

Absent from the body, present with the Lord.

I know how your son felt. I deal with depression on a daily basis. I try hard to inform others that mental illness and being clinically depressed can not be corrected by thinking better or even doing good things. It can help one catch a break but not for long. Some of us are still hanging on with hope. Suicide is a sign that the pain is unbearable. I have been in the hospital three times due to suicide. My pain is the witness of how I can help others push through. I always feel available to share my story because many people just need to feel relatable. This is very important. I totally agree. The deeper the pain, the fewer the words.

depression is a illness many have in silence Christ is with all who even those who are ill, I lost my best friend to suicide 34 years ago

The deeper the pains, the fewer the words🙌.

💕In God's garden of grace, even a broken tree can bear fruit.💕

"The deeper the pain the fewer words you use" Rick Warren

I lost my brother to suicide in 2006 and became depressed since then until 2018. I thank God for completely healing me. All I can say is depression is a silent killer and I hate it with passion.

It’s also important to mention when we’re continuing to pray and have hope of a healing god can change how you feel towards the situation, he can change how you think and he can lessen the physical pain. I’ve had this happen where the problem and health issues are still there but you feel, and think differently, and the physical pain can be bearable or lowered down. God and faith work in many ways. When you feel disheartened the problems are still there you can feel so differently about them and optimistic for life when normally you wouldn’t.

My mom suffers from bipolar disorder and she’s been having a bad episode for the past 6 months and it’s just me and her. I don’t know when healing is coming, I’m praying. It’s been so challenging but each day God gives me the grace to go on, to see it through His eyes. I make mistakes, I get angry, I doubt, I cry. This encouraged me so, knowing that Pastor Warren you can still encourage and stand and share through your heartbreak. We are not alone in our suffering, thank you for sharing 🙏🏽May God continue to comfort and heal you and your wife’s heart. May you continue to see miracles and your faith never fail. Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability ♥️

God bless you and your family Pastor Warren. My heart cries and prays for you as I know something of the pain you are describing. I lost my youngest brother to suicide 7 and 1/2 years ago. You speak volumes when you say that your greatest ministry and message comes from your greatest pain. I know that God has allowed me to go through the things I have gone through so that I can reach back and help others who are going through the same thing. Don't waste your pain. God is faithful. Keep pressing into HIM. Love, prayers and blessings. Kim Padgett

Lord this man cannot stop relating everything to him and how amazing he is.... Jesus, narcissim in the church is dangerous.

I'm born again but seriously struggle from severe panic attacks coupled with depression. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME! I've been on medication for years. However, it has never been so hellish consecutively! I covet your prayers please.