Sabrina Benaim - Explaining My Depression to My Mother 

"My mom asks if I am afraid of dying, no, I am afraid of living."

She was shaking, she meant every word she said.

She actually put it into words.....

It's been 7 years and I still can't find a better way to describe depression

She yells out how she feels while the only thing we can whisper is “I’m fine”

“It’s just not that much fun having fun when you don’t wanna have fun mom”

"I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in." I gasped when she said that. Most accurate thing I've ever heard about depression.

"I learned how to turn the anger into lonely, the lonely into busy, so when I tell you I've been super busy lately"... I almost had to pause it at this moment. That hit hard.

"I am afraid of living. I am lonely." This. Hits me hard. It's hurt so bad. 😭😭

It's so true I'm not afraid of dying I'm afraid of living.

*_Depression can't be explained_* This video: *Exists*

It has been my comfort poem for 5 years now. Whenever I feel low I just listen to it , relate to it and cry as hard as I can. Feels good after

The way she moves and speaks.. You can tell shes putting everything she has into each word,each letter,each sentence.

She’s screaming what everyone else is afraid to whisper...

She's shaking so bad. She's having an anxiety attack in front of thousands of people and still she continues.... I wish I Was that strong

Fred Again included this poem in his new song and I’m so glad he did. This is powerfully executed

Depression: kill ur self Anxiety; but what if u died?? Me: wtf should I do now! God please end this pain.

"I make plans, but I don't want to go. I make plans because I know, I should want to go." This is so true.

*All parents should watch this*

Someone, anyone, tell her that she just made the world come back to it’s senses. Tell her she changed something inside of each and every human alive.

i showed this to my mom to try to help her understand my depression when it was over and she said “is this what you sit around watching, because if i watched this all the time i’d be depressed too.”

"I'm sleepwalking in an ocean of happiness i can not baptize myself in" wow

"She asked if I am afraid of dying; no I am afraid of living" that gave me chills.

don’t mind me sending this to my mom

i always find myself coming back to this poem. it really spoke to me.

She looks so shaken & anxious yet she's brave enough to continue inspiring others with her poem

she was actually having an anxiety attack while doing this, hence why her face turns all red. she is a brave amazing woman.

“You see mom each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light. Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.” “Reminding me I am sleep walking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in” Wow. How this hurts. Those lines are the most relatable for me.

The pure pain on her face and the shaking of her body kills me everytime

She's having a full blown panic attack here yet she fought out the message and done what she needed to do. Amazing

I showed my mom this, all she said was: "I understand you have depression, but your schoolwork comes first" I just was someone to understand...

I'm back a year later to watch this and I'm no longer depressed,it really does get better

"I am afraid of living!" That- That hurt. Badly. I can't stop crying Can I hug this girl?

'I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptise myself in' WOW

This is amazing. You can tell by the tears in her eyes and the shaking of her body that she feels the emotion that she is speaking.

Sobbing. Every word, every breath, every tremble: truth.

" i am afraid of living " that literally made me break into tears 😞

“Why don’t you go to actual parties see your friends”....... *Bold of you to assume I have friends-*

When you're afraid of your parents watching this, and making the connections as to why their son prefers to play video games instead of trying to go outside.

That was beautiful. The next generation seems to be getting better and better at articulating their pain.

In my opinion, this is the only video that shows how depression truly is, not that tumblr thing that some people think it is.

The first time I watched this, before knowing what she would say, I screamed out "I am afraid of living" with her. It involuntarily came out. I don't think I've ever witnessed something so close to me. I wish everyone understood.

Mom says: "Try counting sheep" "But my mind is counting reasons to stay awake" That line hit hard......

I am 14 year old girl who has a dwindling relationship with my mother because she doesn't understand my depression along with other things. This made me feel so deeply understood, and I am trying to get the courage to send this to her. But taking control of your own happiness is often the hardest part.

That. Was. Powerful. Started crying from start but “I’m not scared of dying, I’m scared of living” BROKE ME. Puddle of tears. Incredibly sad and moving.

Mom: "Are you afraid of dying?!?" Her: "No I'm afraid of living!" This stopped my heart. For her to say this means a lot. She is a strong women.

She explained it so perfectly. I'm shaking and I can't stop crying

I am proud of her that she shouted everything while we are even afraid of whispering it! And the way she tries to stop her tears to fall.

My mother just watched this and texted to say she understands now. I am 51 years old.

If i showed this to my mom she would get mad at me for “blaming her”.

"Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party" 👏🏼🙌🏼 thank you for writing this!

I wish I could send this to my parents but I still don't think they would understand, I literally burst in to tears every time I see this video, her emotion is to raw, to real, and so relatable on so many levels. I hope she is doing good and each time I see this video I just want to give her a big hug knowing that she did this while having a panic attack

I’ve listened to this so many times I can lip sync it word for word.

“Mom still doesn’t understand. Mom! Can’t you see that neither can I” is way too real for me

'It's not much fun, having fun when you don't wanna have fun' THAT hit me HARD

why do i always find myself coming back to this kind of videos...

My mom told me that she thinks I like having depression

When you try to talk to someone about it and they tell you to get over it cause its all in my head. Of course its all in my head. Where else would my demons live? :)

This woman is talented

Not once have I heard anything come even close to describing depression and anxiety as this - and especially not in such a short amount of time. I am a 28yr old man and I have not cried this hard for as long as I can remember. Reading these comments, and working through addiction myself, I am hopeful that bright days are ahead so long as we take care of ourselves. I love you all

she put it into words...

I seriously wish this would be one of the videos that gets featured on the front page of RU-vid. It's so powerful and honest. Just telling people that I'm depressed can be embarrassing and challenging. Yet she went all out. You can tell she's scared and upset and in so much pain. Her courage is amazing.

I cannot stop crying. "Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don't wan't to be at." damn...she's translating my feelings into words

"I am sleep walking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptise myself in" makes me cry. I always come back to this when I'm stuck in bed

My mind can only count reasons to stay awake...

"...Asks me if I'm afraid of dying" "NO, I AM AFRAID OF LIVING".... Words can't describe how that made me feel..

My mom doesn't understand my depression. I physically can't get out of bed and she says "stop being lazy". I'm not lazy, I just always feel exhausted.

I feel every word, every emotion, her anxiety, her panic attack, her pain, the point to shout laud and cry louder, feeling to get help but afraid of putting heart out, judging society. 😔 I feel u. I do.

she spoke words I could never courage to say to my parents.

Sometimes, all I want is for someone to ask if I'm okay.

My depression tells me to kill myself, but my anxiety tells me the what ifs. So I'm stuck in a hell I can't escape.

“It’s not that much fun when you don’t want to have fun” this entire thing was great!

i got chills at least 10 times while watching this.

Anytime my depression gets worse I come back to this and it makes me feel less alone. I'm so glad she did this.

I don't even have depression or anxiety disorder, but why am I tearing so hard? 😢😢

I only hope she’s doing better now, such a talented and brave woman! She was having an anxiety attack in the middle of this, still she did it amazingly!

A lot of this hits a little too close to home, especially the line "I'm afraid of living".

I cried watching this. No one has ever described depression better.

"Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem." It took me at least five listens before I finally clicked with this line and realised what it was about. I find this so amazing, as typically, when my own depression acts up, I don't resist it, because I'm no longer afraid of what it does to me, and I find more comfort in my numbness than I do when I'm somewhat. Sometimes, you can get so used to the numbness and the brokeness, that that is what you become.

"Besides, mom, I'm not afraid of the dark. Perhaps that's part of the problem." This.

Lets be honest we this didn’t come up on recommend we searched it up

"i am the party, only i am the party i don't want to be at" this is too real

I need some tissues... This hit me

Fred Again brought me here and i thank him for it, His remix involving this absolutely amazing.

"Explaining My Depression to My Mother, a Conversation" Mom, my depression is a shape shifter One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear The next it's the bear On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone I call the bad days "The Dark Days" Mom says, "Try lighting candles" When I see a candle I see the flesh of a church The flicker of a flame Sparks of a memory younger than noon I am standing beside her open casket It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die Besides Mom I'm not afraid of the dark Perhaps that's part of the problem om says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed" I can't Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house Inside of my head Mom says, "Where did Anxiety come from?" Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party Mom, I am the party Only I am a party I don't want to be at Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends?" Sure, I make plans I make plans but I don't want to go I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go It's just, not that much having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom ... You see, Mom Each night, Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms and dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light Insomnia, has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company Mom says, "Try counting sheep" But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake So I go for walks But my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells Reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in Mom says, "Happy is a decision" But my happy is as hollow as a pin-pricked egg My happy is a high fever that will break Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing, and then flat out asks if I am afraid of dying No, I am afraid of living Mom, I am lonely I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely The lonely into busy So when I tell you I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep watching SportCenter on the couch To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed But my depression always drags me back to my bed Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city My mouth a boneyard of teeth, broken from biting down on themselves The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat But I am just a careless tourist here I will never truly know everywhere I have been Mom still doesn't understand Mom! Can't you see? That neither can I

She is shaking She put our feelings into a poem She wants a happy life But all she wants is for her mother to understand but some times that can’t happen I hope her mother saw this is thought “ that’s my child suffering I’m proud of her doing this and letting her felling out!” She is like me Alone Heartbroken from a family member leaving She put my feelings into a poem She put HER OWN FEELINGS AND WORDS INTO A POEM she is how we feel in the dark hoping that the light would come and take us away to a perfect life in a nice island She made this to spread what Depression Feels like I said every word with her hoping my mom or dad would hear I love how she did this from bravery

"mom asks if im afraid of dying,.... No I'm afraid of living!" her book is amazing i highly recommend it

I showed my mom & she literally laughed & walked away half way through she didn’t even think I was serious about relating to this

This is exactly how it feels like. People all around me don't understand. They will tell me "be happy". Like if it was an easy choice. Like of it was something I can turn on and off. They send me messages to stop acting like a victim, to rise above, that I'm just looking for attention. The sad thing is when I stop talking about it and pretending that I'm happy, nobody notices how much I hurt inside still. How many days are so hard. How many times I've thought of being brave enough to end my life. But then I think, what will that solve? Life becomes so complicated out of nothing. People tell me I can't be sad because others have it worse. Do they see all the people I've lost because depression makes them uncomfortable to tolerate me? When people don't have the patience to deal with you because they have enough issues to deal with. When you become a bother and you just shut everybody out. When you feel lonely and you can't even keep a job because it has become so out of control. And still they dare to tell you that it's all in your head and that you just have to be positive and you will be alright. If it were that easy. I would be ok but it's not.

I’ve never been so proud of a person before. To watch her shake and look on the verge of tears made my heart ache because I could feel every word she spoke and I’ve never seen anyone put so many hard and confusing feelings into words before

I've seen this a hundred times and I'll watch it a hundred times more...

My mom is actually the one that sent me this. I am very thankful to have a mom that understands that I can’t put it into words, but her words, for the first time in a long time, made me feel like I’m not the defect on this earth. Thank you.

a poem ive never heard before but i know it so well

I remember that I tried to tell my depression and severe anxiety to my mom before She yelled and screamed at me. Telling me why would I have depression. Telling me that im okay and then taking my phone away from me. My phone was the only thing that could distract me from this hell. 3 months go by of her continuing to tell me that im fine and that it's not a big deal. Until she finally broke and She finally said what she wanted to for so long "i dont need you anymore" I thought that i would be crying, but I wasn't. I was pissed off. I wanted to punch her and choke her. But instead i screamed, yelled, punched out the door and the walls. And left. I came back 3 days later while i was staying at my friends apartment. My mom said sorry, but yea fucking right i would forgive her. She is fucking no one to me now. But i did go to a physiatrist and I found out that i had BPD. So to all the parents out there. Help them, dont make your child feel worthless, then make them a nobody. Cause then that nobody will eventually turn into a monster

"I make plans, but I don't want to go. I make plans because I know, I should want to go." - Me, every friday...

Anxiety and Depression haven't always had a voice.... this strong woman is a voice that has been needed for so long.... Praying she inspires hope and more voices!

One of the greatest poems I’ve ever heard.

When she said “ I AM LONLEY” I felt that..

Holy shit, this is really incredible, now I will have even more goosebumps listening to Fred Again's songs...

My daughter just sent me this. I am glad she can convey how she feels - as I know that’s important to her. It made me cry but knowing that she has been able to express herself through another person - then made me smile. I am very proud of her 🌸🌺