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Shut up and take my money! The whole video I was jealous of the writer that got your notes, then your offer comes up at the end. Yay! I can’t wait! Instant subscriber. Thanks!
@@poljakov13 delighted to hear that. Recommend you get stuck into my free masterclass which has a whopping line by line script dive at its heart - www.scriptfella.com/mistakes-masterclass
If ever there was a tutorial that highlighted the need to just get your ideas on paper first and edit them second, then this was it. Looking forward to learning the entire list unforced errors.
This is pure gold. 2 things: First: Yes, you should do more of these deep dive videos. Second: You should have way more subs. Hopefully more writers find your channel because this the best (most helpful, clear, instructional, useful) video I have seen on YT regarding this subject... and I have watch a plethora. Even the ones from USC professors. Your video has inspired me to write another script! Thank you! Keep wiring Grai Cash - it's a great concept and I would definitely be interested in watching the pilot based on the logline and teaser.
This was such a useful video. It’s easy to forget that a script has to be evocative and go for a purely factual account of what’s happening. It’s good to be reminded that it should read well.
Here I am, two years later from when this was posted, and I am eating every critique up like its tonight's dinner! I am currently writing my first TV Script, and all I wanted to know was if my teaser should have dialogue. I stumbled across this video and never went looking anywhere else. I am not even finished watching the video, but the first 12:34 minutes has me stopping to comment. All of that just to say....I LOVE THIS!! Okay, let me get on with watching until the end. I am subscribing. I didn't even look to see if you have anything more recent. Just in case, I'm hitting SUBSCRIBE!
Dominick, thank you for this! Everything mistake in Grai's script I see in mine. It's just amazing how much fat I have in description and dialog. I also observed that I'm not being visually "descriptive" enough. Man, thanks i appreciate it.
@@Scriptfella I watched that too 😅. I'm gonna binge watch your stuff now. Can't believe RU-vid didn't recommend this channel at all. I found your post on reddit. Anyway. Keep making the videos sir. Loving it.
I’m very pleased found this vid useful. Check out my another vid in the same format ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-oFO5Fu-o3cQ.html …and my online course which will be launching Fall 2022 and include 20 hours of deep dives and in-depth screenwriting tutorials.
Just finding this channel. I love how you go through these scripts line by line and explaining why you’re trimming in certain places. I’m really confident in my structure but the granular details of where to trim the fat and where to add more depth isn’t really covered by any book I’ve read or video I’ve seen. Even reading scripts can’t explain why a writer made the choices he did. This video has been enormously helpful and I look forward to submitting my next draft to you for feedback.
Hi Cliff - I'm very glad you're finding my line by line script training helpful. And you're absolutely right - there aren't many/any other books or videos helping writers how to deploy language on the page and give the reader "a good night in" . Which is one of the key reasons I've spent the last 12 months of my life creating The Scriptfella Program which consists of 12 hours of intensive video tutorials, which train writers how to write for the Hollywood reader and keep them turning the pages. To get the intel and watch a free preview class, head over to courses.scriptfella.com/ v best Dominic
It's so good to see videos like this!! Most writing videos on youtube talk so much theory and structure, but little about the actual words you put to paper. Would love to see more!
Thank you for sharing this link with me, my friend. I subscribed for the sane, practical and insightful content. For everyone that follows this channel and their first film or show gets made, they should make sure that "A special thanks goes out to Scriptfella" is included in the end credits.
This is absolutley INCREDIBLE. Great script to pull apart too. Well done Grey. "Dances clumsily..." bloody beautiful. It reminds us to write visually. Wow, got a lot ro learn. Thank you Script fella!
I love these hyper-detailed breakdowns of what to do and, more importantly, NOT do in screenwriting. SO key for many of us who can get lost in the weeds sometimes (i.e., likely all of us). Thank you!
Dominic recently provided me with audio notes on my script, and it was a great way to receive feedback. Having audio feedback makes it easy to follow along with my script as he gives both structural and close-reading analysis of my writing. I would definitely rec
The teaser shows something about the missing daughter but nothing about the ancient Mayan Cult, which I think is really important since it is what makes the series unique.
Marco, you make a very good point. While I really dig this teaser, Grai needs to decide whether to focus on the hero's quest to find his daughter - or his gig doing hits for the Mayan death cult.
I worked with a narcoleptic for a few years, so I was very interested in this. I agree with the logline assessment, I wasn't quite sure what the point of the series was. It confused me. I'd consider refocusing the logline and make the emotional stakes stand out -- finding his daughter. Perhaps the investigation leads him to the Mayan cult? If a character has a particular trait, I need to see that in the teaser. There was a great opportunity here to show the protagonist fall asleep whilst doing his nocturnal activities. Falling asleep at the wheel, so to speak. Or he wakes up to find himself in a sticky situation. What I'm saying is that the writer needs to show the narcolepsy, the effects of it - and the audience must get it. Show the dangers of falling asleep in his line of work. Anything specific that triggers it? My colleague slept more during warm days or when the work was monotonous. Best of luck to Grai Cash. You will smash it in the next draft.
I've been getting a TON out of these deep dives, so thank you! Quick question: I've come across various requirements for fellowships, contests, etc. that do not allow for the mention of real people (living or dead) nor for any trademarked brands (e.g., "Colgate smile" in this script). Therefore, I scrubbed them out of my pilots, but I feel it does the description a disservice. Would you consider adding them back in for shopping the scripts around elsewhere, or am I going to get marked down for using words like "Crayola" or "Kodachrome?" I removed a joke about Jack Kerouac, who is deceased, but whose name is actually owned by CMG. :(
I don't know of any intense rains like that where people are sweating enough to have their faces in the AC, because they're all frickin' cold. Why the AC? Why does he need to be sweating? People don't sweat in the cold, unless it's to say he's that messed up over something that he'd sweat in the Arctic, but then make it clear that's why he's sweating. But I don't see any reason as to why this is remotely necessary to this story at all.
13:25 an upturned nose is a physical trait of beauty in women, like Myrna Loy. It means the nose is turned up at the end which makes them look cute. I guess you should stick to writing and not cosmetics ;)
Haha, I would also interpret an upturned nose as being a sign of arrogance. Like in the German word "hochnäsig", which means "snooty" but literally translates as "upnosy".
@@genevrafletcher5401 I meant I would interpret the description "upturned nose" as a sign of arrogance. Not the actual nose :) Anyhow, now thanks to Person I know it means the character (and you) have beautiful faces.
relieved??? what is so bad about the example there Omar? Better yet, what pedestal do you sit on while mocking another scribe who has the talent and determination to open himself up to his work? get some balls and humble yourself and after some years of writing and getting kicked in the ass by back yard critiques such as yourself if you can still get back up and persevere then you have the right to such a foul comment.
