Self-hoovering, Narcissism: Trauma or Role Play? 

Since listening to you almost all others are just amateurs … good job

This explains so much. I couldn’t understand or explain why I would get this desperate need to repair and apologize. I would accept everything. I felt like I deserved pain, and he dished it out to a sociopathic level. He is the one who harmed me but I felt all The desperation to mend. On paper I knew this was Abusive. I had professional help, but when I was with physically with him I only saw his point of view . I was horrible. A monster that had hurt his self esteem by drawing a boundary. By not keeping my mouth shut about SA. I just remember feeling like why did I ever speak up. We could’ve moved on. What your describing to me seems like the reason victims of abuse have a hard time being believed and believing themselves. During the height of the abuse, trying to tell people not trauma informed resulted in being blamed. “I liked drama” was said to me. It really is powerful conditioning, damaging all around. Being physically away from him is the only thing that saved my life.

10 weeks ago, I walked away from a covert, fragile narcissist..43 yrs of marriage, I told myself ( you can't leave crazy ). Well, the hell I can't 😂❤🎉

You saved my life! Listened to you all day at my worst time. I get so much comfort that now I like to hear your voice when distressed and have insomnia.

You are a pure legend Prof. Sam

Another mosaic piece falls into place. This time on the role play. Thank you @Prof. Sam Vaknin From my journals of Narcissistic black pearl statements: "I change roles as I want, cause I'm omnipotent and neither you nor anyone else is going to be able to grasp the in-graspable nature of my personality. As soon as you detect one of my roles, I have already became something else. Only my eel nature is constant. And you can't catch an eel." One day he said: "Today I will be a psychopath" and of course it wasn't just a role playing ....

I have self hovered myself back 2 into the relationship, thank goodness i have this video to guide me out of this discard phase this time around.

WOW. Mind blown again.

They shed their covert fragile narcissistic behaviors the second he walks out of the house....and back when their back home!

Thanks for the video. In the aftermath of narcissistic abuse I was occupied for some time with making the distinction between the 'automatic' base part that's there because of trauma on one hand, and the conscious deliberate choices that the narcissist made on top of the baseline traits on the other hand. I found myself being able to silently go no contact and let it go if the base traits had the upper hand in my judgment, then I could write it off as behavior from someone that couldn't do much about it and as someone who didn't choose their trauma. But the moment I realized she deliberately chose me as a target (among other deliberate things, like not being open with me about her disorder while she knew) I also had to deliberately and aggressively (not violently) burn the bridge that is the trauma bond. First and foremost to protect myself from any urges to self-hoover or getting hoovered. There are actions that one can take to break that trauma bond way quicker than just waiting it out and sticking to no contact while emotionally fighting off the constant hoover attempts for years. The 'trauma or role play?' question was very fundamental for my own decisions.

An all-encompassing, brilliant video. Watching it now, almost 1,5 year after being discarded, and 6,5 years after the whole story had started, and I feel much more better - as if it is slowly finishing, as if I almost understood it and as if I know what to do next. Thank You, Professor.

I learned my narcissist is bixesual after 7 years. And his is a Muslim. And he always talks very bad about gay men And find out his is like that is so hurtful I blocked 🚫 2 months ago and I believe this is final I won't aloud this behavior

I needed to hear this.

Hello Sam I have been watching your videos for about a year and you are the best. I got divorced from a female narcissist about a year ago because of her discard of me. One thing I have recently realized is why the early love bombing was so powerful and impactful and the shared fantasy was so overwhelmingly intoxicating was because a normal woman would never do that. I thought at the time that I finally found a woman who could love me like I do her.Can you make a video about what a normal relationship might look like as opposed to a relationship with a narcissist? Thank you so much Dave M.

True.... married for 38 yrs untill the final disquard. 3 yrs on the testing hoovers have started..

Awed! One of the best topics analyzed. Thank you.

❤Thank you, Sam❤

Very good explaned!!!! ✔️

another amazing video Sam, dependent people can definitely fall in the island of stability (including myself). And a question: can a self-aware narc with a lot of therapy, work and help be able to have a healthy relationship? or will always end with devaluation/separation?

Hi. Are there any studies on narcissist/dementia behaviors. As a caretaker for spouse with this combination I’m really struggling. I need advice for handling this new situation. Thanks in advance. Linda

Wow....

My mom said she got married inn church and this reasons why she needs to stay married 😊. I called BS 😊

How to bring a narcissist to an involuntarily psychiatric check?

Yes i was discarded and devalued 4 times in 11 years the first time i was shocked but then i became used to it and learn to wait for his coming back

If you have not experienced narcissism "first hand" all this is hard to grasp... if you have experienced it then you propably paused the video several times and said "F*CK" out loud because you can relate it to your experience and another piece of the puzzle just got solved! 😌👍

I could see myself "self-hoover" in a sense that I did not want to fully cut all ties. I was OK not to have a relation, but even keeping in touch felt like there was some sort of connection and I found peace this way. I was told to stop all communication, but I felt extreme anxiety and negative thoughts. I knew that by continuing talking to this one particular person I may get some nasty words or comments, but I did not take them personally because I felt they are acting out in general, and when I felt they wanted to inflict pain on me, I could give back the same amount of pain and actually feel powerful in a way.

I’m a new subscriber I can’t thank you enough Sir for these videos. At first I was very skeptical watching these videos, a bit reluctant to accept certain things. I’ve got a boatload of issues and I’m still super young with a young daughter and newly single. I have borderline, it’s hard to find sources that aren’t biased and that are honest. I really respect honesty even if it hurts because it’s real. Your vid’s are the real deal. Sorry to hear about your grandma, I bet your people are proud of the work you do though it’s so meaningful. Knowledge is empowerment and this video is great well done!

I see things: Psychopaths fail the early work of recognizing their feelings. They just fail to do that and have a very bad outcome from that stage of development. It is very much irreversible. Psychopaths are narcissistic because they have no chance of a successful outcome from the three years of age stage of development or any other. Earlier failures affect the rest of the stages of development. Three year olds fail to get a good outcome from their stage of development and we know them as the differing types of narcissists with maybe the exception of the kind that envelopes psychopathy. I kind of can't see a narcissist reverting to psychopathy but I don't know that much... People see psychopaths as terribly evil but basically they are just a few weeks old psychologically... I have much up-close-and-personal experience with more than one psychopath, it was devastating with no physical contact at all, just the idea that they could size me up so completely and trample my weaknesses so readily still gives me the willies...

It is fabulously true that they devalue you.

Many thanks Doctor Professor for clarifying yesterday's video.

I did that myself 4 times over 18 years