Setting Boundaries In Toxic Relationships Part 2 - Gary Thomas 

So true, besides toxic people don't want to change! Most often they want their own way at your expense! Sending prayers for restoration and a community to come along side you and your family!

Same here...

J M I’m walking away from toxic sister

I did the same after my mom passed away. Walked away from an extremely narcissistic father and siblings.

I walked away from an extremely controlling, manipulative, meddling, and hateful, lying mother in-law. I tried. And she claims to be a Christian too... please pray for her.

Thinking about you! I pray that you have so much joy and peace knowing that you will have even more in this world and to this world to come as it says in the Bible, as you follow God’s voice. 🙏🏼💗

I hear that!!

Exactly, so well said! I've been a Christian 20 years and was very deceived that being a Christian means you have to be a doormat. The book, Boundaries, is really great - I've done the workbook too and it's great, but the most important thing is to put those and these lessons into practice. I urge you to do so sooner rather than later because I have lost years of happiness due to false guilt of this unBiblical false doctrine. I love how this guy explains that yes, Jesus allowed Himself to be crucified ONCE for a purpose (there's a time and a place to, "turn the other cheek"), but that this was not the PATTERN of His life, every other time He moved on to plant seeds upon fertile ground. That is the key to the whole thing. Blessings to you!

@@KayGee4319 thank you so much. I have read the book boundaries, not done the workbook. I found it insightful and I loosely apply it to my life. I also gained in my case reading Codependent no more side by side as it applied to my situation. Setting healthy biblical boundaries are necessary to guard our temples. It frees me up to invest in people and projects that actually need it.

You can have compassion and concern for them, perhaps even help with specific problems. If you become enmeshed that's a toxic bond. You are not their savior, one is already provided

this is where prayer is necessary

Walking away does not mean giving up on them. It’s actually taking yourself out of harm’s way so you don’t turn toxic yourself. Shalom

AGREE !

27 He can't hear.

No conviction, no counsel. 😊

I think it was counsel

Yes, don't give in to anger. Surrender all to Jesus...and walk away.

It's not only learning to walk away before coming toxic. The toxicity that you feel is in reality their own projection of toxicity onto you. You have to get away before the stress of constantly walking on eggshells kills you. It's not if but when. I am still dealing with the after-effects of being abused by my father. It's been well over two years. The amazing thing is other people do eventually see. God will send the right people into your life 😊🙏

I went to CR for this too. It helped me by seeing other ladies in there. 90% of them were not addicted to anything but were codependent and loved children and spouses with addictions. Women are wired especially not to walk away from loved ones- especially their children. The toxic people in their lives love to project shame on them.

Teresa Dexter that’s all you can do 👏

When you are with a toxic narcissistic abusive person, they twist everything you say and do around. They're projecting their own toxicity on to you, making you the scapegoat for something that does not belong to you. Those things will build up inside, it can cause a lot of health issues. I saw what it did to my mom and it killed her. My dad also scapegoated me and it was even worse after she died. I witnessed he and a brother absolutely ecstatic after my mom passed away, and they laughed when she took her last breath. When you have to walk away from a parent like this, you are grieving the fact that you never had a "parent." Anyone that is a flying monkey is also someone you must stay away from. It is not our job to fix or try to figure out these people.

Amen

Giving birth does not mean that your mother has a right to do anything and everything to you. I have cut ties with my birth mother a decade ago. It was so easy because I have never liked her ever. I am far more happier. ❤

The problem with this is that toxic people don't recognize boundaries even if you hit them over the head with it! I have a toxic mother and my sisters and I have tried to deal with this all our lives. Fortunately by God's grace she is now at age 89 realizing somewhat that she needs to ask forgiveness for what she has done. But even though when I go to visit her (we live out of town) she still insists that I stay with her even though I always stay at a hotel in case her controlling gets out of control. It's something that's very hard to understand unless you've lived with it.....I have! You can't just simply "tell them"....it doesn't work.

that's actually not what I said, I specifically said that part of setting a boundary is giving the person the option to not be a part of your life anymore if they can't respect the boundary... I have a toxic mother too. She chose to almost leave my life for almost a full two years because she wouldn't respect my boundaries. But that wasn't me choosing to walk away from her... That was me letting her know what I needed in order to let her in my life, and her choosing not to follow it... I don't think you read my whole comment? I just don't think that following through on a boundary is the same thing as walking away from someone. Walking away from someone doesn't leave the door open for reconciliation, whereas enforcing a boundary, the person knows exactly what they need to do in order to restore the relationship, and that option stays open. I know exactly what you mean... my mother is still not safe enough for me to rely on her for transportation, because when she has that sort of power she just can't help herself. But using boundaries has very very slowly lessened the toxicity of the relationship, and it has allowed me to not be a toxic person or allow any of that behavior, and still love her/have a relationship (even if it's not the kind I wish it was).

In fact my mom DIDN'T recognize the boundaries when I set them... For almost two years. She still has trouble recognizing them. But she values having a relationship with me, and when I require her to accept them in order to stay in relationship, after experiencing the consequences (via my boundaries, she had chosen to not have that sort of access to my life) she eventually came to her wits end because of the disconnect and asked "what do I have to do?" At which point I told her the same thing I had been telling her for 2 years... And she could finally somewhat hear me. She didn't like it. But she doesn't have to. And the process repeats itself. And after 10 years of this, even she can see that our relationship is much healthier than it ever was before.

People have the misconception that a boundary is something that requires other people to follow it. In fact, a boundary that is dependent on someone else's cooperation it is not a boundary at all... A boundary is all about what you are going to do with you in a situation (ie, unless trust is restored, I'm staying in a hotel.) Sometimes it is giving the other person in the heads up that their choices will influence your choice... "If you do this, I will do 'A'. If you do that, I will do 'B'" .... Or in my situation all those years ago "if you can't respect my right to make my own decisions as a 25 year old, I am going to hang up" Followed by another attempt at telling me what to do, followed by "I love you, and I told you if you continued I would hang up. goodbye" followed by a click. Sometimes she never heard my final words and thought I just hung up cuz she wouldn't stop talking.... That was a successful boundary. By definition, a boundary cannot fail... people can fail to respect it, but that doesn't mean the boundary fails. I can enforce the consequence of the boundary disrespect that the other person has chosen... To me that is very very different than just cutting a person out of my life. A book that was life-changing for me in dealing with my toxic mother was "keep your love" on by Danny silk. I still go back and read it a couple times a year... I finally have peace that I can love her at the level of connection that we are currently at, in a way that doesn't compromise my own values, where I am in no way powerless, and finally feel like I'm able to be the person I want to be, even in my relationship with her. There is no longer a disconnect between my faith and the love of Jesus, and my relationship with my toxic person. Because I know that my goal is to have as much connection as our relationship can handle, and my goal is no longer "a safe distance."

@@bethanyatkinson6944 Thanks so much Bethany. This is timely for me.

Amen to that.

🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

So? You can't blame anyone for leaving a toxic person. Can you?

@MrAllysonn it depends on the situation. If there is no hint of physical abuse and verbal emotional abuse, I will wonder. Also, the decision should be taken with the counsel of the pastor and elders, and they may recommend leaving. Also, I would like to know how u define toxic. Bec Gary T at the end, he mentioned that he is toxic, is he going to leave his family, and live like a monk bechr is toxic. Toxic Exit is easier than laying down your life, even for those who hate you.

That’s true !!

That's the number one reason.

Absolutely

So true! And Satan preys on the weak and the sad.☹

This is my question too. How does I Peter 3:1 play into this? How can a wife submit when her husband quits attending church after 35 years of marriage? He would like for me to quit attending also but I won't. I need other believers in my life and I am not going to isolate myself as he has isolated himself. Also, how does a wife submit when her husband tells her to slap her 17 year old son in the face if he smarts off to her? I bought Mr. Thomas' book and am hoping to find answers in it.

Submission is to walk together, cooperate, share, seek the best for the other person. It's not to place your neck under a boot of oppression, degradation and slavery.

Yes, the constant attacks become embedded in the mind and part of the belief system

@@leandrahackwith3168 anywhere lies are believed and acted out the devil is involved. Lies ARE the devil’s mother tongue

You just walk away. If there's no self reflection, no work in himself to change his behavior? I'll tape it out.

I wish your questions was answered. I’d like to also know.

They didn't want to touch that one. It would create soo much hypocrisy or appear to. Do you leave a toxic spouse? There's no biblical grounds. That's why you probably will not hear that. He never discussed that. "Leave this person, leave that person, but do not split, separate, leave your spouse."

I'll divorce.

That's not fair and you are generalizing. I have bipolar and don't consider myself toxic

Focus on the family has ministry call Hope Restored that offers counseling! They deal with toxic marriages and often bring healing! It may be a great way to set down a boundary! Being in a toxic marriage can leave you so isolated and alone! BTW, they also have scholarships to help with the costs! Sending prayers and hugs! My husband and I are attending one later this month!

My mom is toxic for my kids. Not for me anymore because I am a mature woman and I learned how to handle her. I do my best make sure that she isn’t alone with them, and I set boundaries that she is well known of. I try to make sure that she is just not too close...

First tell her how you feel. That it hurts you. If she doesn’t listen try to create physical boundaries. When my mother yells at me I ask why she is angry and I tell her how it makes me feel. She has become more receptive. But otherwise I have to just walk away. Www.rebekkalien.com

Lee Abe I don’t see where he is saying to write off everyone. I heard he is saying to set boundaries and then The choice is up to the toxic person to be a part of your life or not.

@@celebratejen95 True

Many priests and pharisees believed as Acts say. It’s better not to judge people as toxic or not toxic.

m m I’d recommend Godly council first. The Transformation Center out of Redding, Ca. does skype sessions and they are incredible!

@@dawnmiller8461 Thanks.

“That man who is an unbeliever is sanctified by the wife who believes, and that woman who is not a believer is sanctified by the husband who believes, otherwise their children are defiled, but now they are pure.” 1 Corinthians 7

@@usa2342 I ask because he makes personal attacks every day based on my beliefs. It's been a year now. It feels very toxic to hear that every day. I do respond with truth in love almost every single time. I'm worn out.

m m “Bless them that curse you, and pray for them who despitefully use you.” Jesus said When you practice that, God fills heart with patience and peace toward that person. Your husband needs your prayers and he needs you. Who else going to pray for him and bless him?

Look up Leslie Vernick