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Setting Boundaries With People Who Talk Too Much

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Learn to set boundaries with people who talk too much, demand too much of your time, or are overly negative. Some people won't shut up! But there are ways to set boundaries with kindness and authenticity, so you can reclaim your time and peace of mind. In this video, I discuss ways to handle people who talk too much and how to prioritize your own needs. #boundaries #compulsivetalking #talktoomuch #talking #overtalker #lopsidedrelationship
Learn more about setting boundaries in my new book!
The Better Boundaries Workbook: betterboundari...
Follow Sharon on social media!
Facebook: / sharonmartinlcsw
Instagram: / dr_sharon_martin
Sharon Martin, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in codependency recovery with an online practice serving California residents. For the past 20 years, she’s been helping perfectionists and people-pleasers overcome self-doubt and shame, embrace their imperfections, learn to set boundaries, and reclaim their self-worth. Sharon writes the blog Conquering Codependency for Psychology Today and is the author of The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook.

Опубликовано:

17 авг 2024

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Комментарии : 147

@nik1128 3 года назад

I am a quiet ppl pleaser so these types are drawn to me like a moth to a flame. For this reason, I generally don't surround myself with others.

@brighteastman4602 2 года назад

My sentiments exactly. I couldn’t have expressed it better

@Justjewels8436 2 года назад

Same

@moejazzie 2 года назад

😁😂

@jarcialeite3026 2 года назад

Exactly!!! 👆🏼👆🏼 the worst type is the one that talks a lot, expresses opinion about a subject and keeps asking you to agree with them… then when you want to disagree, they keep interrupting you every time

@LucaMuntz 2 года назад

Spot on! My brother in law is the worst for it he just doesn’t get when to stop talking to me! It’s absolutely exhausting to keep acknowledging him! I’ve been practicing just going silent as the alternative is to say ok I need some quiet now 😂

@sandra112390 3 года назад

I've been in 6 hour long phone conversations entertaining this nonsense. I ended up drained and neglecting my own needs. I finally realized this is selfish behavior on my friend's end and now my limit is 30 minutes, once a day. Not hours for each day. I use the extra time to relax, study, work out and eat healthy. Listening to their daily updates/problems; along with stories about their past that you've heard several times before, seems to be common. It sucks the life out of you and you end up neglecting your own needs. Reclaim your life and if that energy vampire has a problem with that, then that's their problem. Not our job to baby grown adults.

@Musheemeechi 2 года назад

Thanks for the advice, im 15 yrs old and my friend is so annoying he texts me non stop, i just wanna block him

@siqbal8586 2 года назад

I believe you, the huge regret comes after that is uuuf. I was a terrible people pleaser. I really learnt my lesson in a hard way. There wr bunch of ladies call me on their free time just to dump their mental garbage call me n stay on hours n hours with me. As a people pleaser i neglected my priority n my children n husband. This piled up so much problem in my marital life. When i was in need of help non of these daily callers picked my phone n few blocked me as well. There were few ladies just used me as driver for their shopping n sitter for their kids. Man.. After the problem i faced i moved far away from these creepers time sucker selfish people. Removed all those numbers from my phone. Just living for my self n my family, my cats n dog. This is very pleasant n peaceful. I never know i hv so much time in my day. Lol.

@iloveFreedom. 2 года назад

@@Musheemeechi your instincts sound good🌸🎶🌸🎶🌸🎶 don't let anyone impinge on your lovely energy, life is for joy,freedom, peace, fun. Great boundaries means no time wasted on other people's dramas that they need to look within for. 🌸🐞🌸🐞🌸🐞🌸

@chocciechocchoc1 2 месяца назад

Phewwww this is my story. I had to cut the chord

@tomb20061 Год назад

30 minutes? You’re way to kind! I can’t deal with these people for more than 5 minutes, I find myself becoming infuriated at their rudeness and have to remove myself from the monologue being delivered.

@jillianroselovesfilmandchurros 5 месяцев назад

how would they know they are being rude if they feel that the time they spend sharing personal information is the time they are investing in proving how much they care about you?

@tomb20061 5 месяцев назад

@@jillianroselovesfilmandchurros it’s rude because they drone on and on about surface level things that have no importance at all. They blather away telling mindless stories about people you don’t know. It’s extremely rude!

@endigosun 4 месяца назад

@@tomb20061 Yep, & sometimes they just stand there repeating what they’ve said over & over as if u didn’t hear it the 1st & 2nd time. NO… I friggin heard u the FIRST time! It’s really a way to control u & your time.

@brighteastman4602 2 года назад

I find it more difficult to escape from the talker when the encounter is face to face. I just walk away from the phone or do chores while the talker believes they have control of my ears. In person, however, the talkaholic requires that my eyes be on them for as long as they choose to spew. I recently was trapped for 6 hours, unable to tell her I was leaving because she just talked over me when uttered a sound

@LucaMuntz 2 года назад

It’s honestly so refreshing to see how many people have struggled with this at least as much as I have.

@sharhful 3 года назад

Don’t feel bad setting boundaries the people taking too much don’t seem to consider you so...

@BL-rb7jm 2 года назад

Don't feel guilty for setting a boundary and don't let the other person make you feel guilty

@silas7633 2 года назад

With respect, I don’t know if it’s so much about not feeling guilty, but more so in dealing the the guilt appropriately. Boundaries are set to keep us in a relationship in a functional way, not to pull us or escape from it. Suppressing feelings in any way could potentially create a barrier between you and the other person

@ArcWarrior 3 года назад

Great video. It's even harder when it's someone who lives with you like a roommate or relative because you always feel ambushed. You go to get something out of your car and they're outside smoking. They have no life or ambitions. Then you get stuck into a 4 hour long conversation and you start regretting doing normal things like going to the bathroom because you'll run into them. And some people are masters and keeping the conversation going, talking loud over you when you try to end the discussion. It's such a headache.

@WaAaAaAaW 2 года назад

It's horrible yeah

@rses916 2 года назад

These mfers are insane period. No healthy minded individual would do that. Even if it happens once they'll think no more. While these mfers wanna do that every day. Crazy I hate these people.

@random1309 3 года назад

After many years I have begun to apply this to my life. I value my quiet time more and more. Thank you for reinforcing.

@YOGO_MUSHI Год назад

The older I get the more I cannot stand people who don’t know when to stop talking.

@TomGvns 2 года назад

The term I like to use is “hey I’d love to make this conversation balanced, do you mind if we can make this conversation more two sided?”

@MichelleFarrismft Год назад

This is a GREAT response - and also telling because if they can't do it, then lower your expectations. Some people just don't have the awareness, skill or desire to change. Ultimately, it's up to us to say something to take care of yourself and if that doesn't work, keep it short. I know it's hard but sometimes we may have to interrupt a few times to get our point across. Patience is a virtue, right? Hard to do but worth doing to save yourself.

@moniquemurphy4851 2 месяца назад

What if they talk a lot about things you have no interest in?? Aaargh!!!

@LucaMuntz 2 года назад

I’ve recently gotten way better at if I can’t tell them to stop talking, just stop talking myself and let them work it out. I used to reaaally struggle with this and it’s still not easy as it feels rude, but thinking back , I’ve had this happen to me so many times! And i quickly accept , take the hint and move on when I realise they’ve stopped engaging! So the way I see it if they fail to see the obvious, that’s on them now 😌

@LucaMuntz 2 года назад

By keep forcing myself to engage to make them more comfortable, as you said that’s making them more comfortable than myself! And it’s extremely harmful and dangerous. Slowly but surely I am getting better at setting my boundaries. I also agree with your point on make sure you can keep the boundary yourself. In the past I have not made it clear I like quiet - because my adhd may mean I start talking again very soon after haha and then I look like a hypocrite! 😅😂

@arielle7557 3 года назад

I love my mom but she is overly talkative and I'm an introvert so it really drains me

@rr8960 3 года назад

I lost my mom 4 years ago. I would love to hear her voice again.

@dw2369 3 года назад

Loving someone but not wanting to subject yourself to their over talking or ignoring of your boundaries are two seperate things .

@tmmartinesq.6216 2 года назад

@@dw2369 Amen!

@rses916 2 года назад

@@rr8960 offtopic

@sarahjaneross2918 11 месяцев назад

The trouble is with excessive talking is that it drives us away because it's so exhausting and stressful 😢

@swim10 3 года назад

This was so helpful and the reason I've been so frustrated. A friend upset I didn't invite her on my vacation but she talks every second and always giving advice and doesn't call before they come over after they know I don't like it make me feel bad and guilt trip me over it but she wasn't invited

@kirasussane1556 3 года назад

Thanks for this advice i have a family member that talks too much and sometimes is just very hard in fact I tend to avoid talking to her because I know I won't be able to say much.

@BL-rb7jm 3 года назад

selfish

@suefinnerty4482 2 года назад

@@BL-rb7jm maybe just unaware.

@rses916 2 года назад

@@suefinnerty4482 you're guilty of that thats why you defending that bullshit.

@johnpaulramos9486 2 года назад

Thank you for this video! Turns out- I'm already doing all these things and learnt a new mantra - "I am committed to myself and what I want and my needs are valid." ☺️

@alaiaadam5767 2 года назад

💥💥☄️💥☄️ *GREAT VIDEO !* A-Z 01:08 “ Hey marry I just wanna tell you upfront that I only have 5 mins” 01:48 Otherwise cut off the phone . ! 😒 06:04. You don’t owe an explanation

@christinaknight8241 Месяц назад

😃😃😃

@LucaMuntz 2 года назад

I have ADHD and OCD so I can find conversation extremely draining. My brother in law doesn’t know when people don’t want him to talk anymore, myself included!

@LucaMuntz 2 года назад

It’s 100% not an easy one to handle and explain.

@rses916 2 года назад

@@LucaMuntz I bet people avoid him but he can't even see it. Hes garbage.

@Mockduck2020 Год назад

Maybe he has ADHD too and is bad at social clues.

@dw2369 3 года назад

I try to stay in touch with my mom but every time I reach out to her I feel like I've been vomited on as there always seems to be Drama in her life and that's all she talks about when I call her. I have always felt like she only stops to ask me how I am just so she doesn't seem like she's being selfish which she is, I don't feel alot of times like she really cares about what is going on with me, I may be wrong but it's easy to feel that way when all she talks about is all her Drama and health issues .

@suefinnerty4482 2 года назад

Perhaps limit the times you telephone her.

@gigicolada 6 месяцев назад

It’s like I wrote this.

@jenniferlloyd9574 5 месяцев назад

I think your mother is my sister lol. So relatable.

@itsj5670 Месяц назад

Omgg we have the same mom

@getertk 8 месяцев назад

Sometimes you can let people know you have a time boundary and they still ignore it. So yes enforce your boundaries and sometimes but the people off!

@wellwouldyalookitthat 2 года назад

I paused 1 min and 21 seconds in to say I disagree with the first piece of advice. Only because it's not one that works for me 🥺😭 "begin the conversation by explaining you only have x amount of time to chat because of *insert reason*" I open the doors at work. I'm the first to arrive. About 2 hrs after I open, all the other employees come in and start CHATTING MY EARS OFF. And it lasts- All Day. Every Day. They are all very nice, but all also Very rude with the incessant talking. They're ALL women. I'm a woman too, but at the end of the day I CAN'T WAIT to get home to my QUIET home full of men xD 😆 (my husband & my son) I shouldn't HAVE to lie and say that I'm needed elsewhere when that's not the case. I'm seeking a more honest approach. I will now commence watching the rest of this video. Thank you for sharing

@MichelleFarrismft 2 года назад

I think letting someone know that your time is limited isn't necessarily a lie if that is your boundary. You may decide that you only want to listen for X amount of time and that is how you take care of yourself with over-talkers. Hope that helps!

@luciem5372 2 года назад

Thank you! I plan to watch this as often as needed. Bless you.

@caliblue2 2 года назад

Basically Don’t have them over if you’re not in a talkative mood and willing to come back or interject. Otherwise they’ll run all over you. But these days we hang onto our friends even though they’re mental as all get out.

@sheilaprice1942 3 года назад

I really needed this info. I MUST be respectfully my time. 🙏💕

@tree8022 3 года назад

Thank you! I needed to hear that “value ur needs” I feel more aware of myself now

@radatabass 3 года назад

This is great. Any chance you have advice for speaking to someone who talks too much, not on the phone? A friend spends 90% of the time we hang out talking and not letting me get a word in. I️ don’t want to end the friendship due to history but don’t know how to tell them, we need a shared space of talking and listening otherwise I️ don’t want to continue the time spent together.

@luciabu3654 3 года назад

Hi, curious to hear if you told your friend and how it continued?

@radatabass 3 года назад

@@luciabu3654 thanks for asking. To be honest there were a lot of things with this person that I️ was realizing were one sided. Including the fact that I️ was the only one who drove to see them. They live 45 minutes away. She would still ask to hang out but the couple times I️ suggested she drive to me, there were crickets. I️ basically decided I️ am no longer going to make efforts to do things with them unless I️ see some effort on their end that are shared and the effort never came. So I️ just let it fade away. Sad on one hand but at the same time liberating not to invest in people that reciprocate or share investment into the friendship.

@yeswing10 3 года назад

@@radatabass my situation sounds just like yours. I know I ticked her off during the last conversation. She wanted to get together, and I texted back, Someday.

@emilyperron Год назад

This was so helpful. Thank you! I love what you said at the end about “it’s as simple as that and it’s as difficult as that.” I feel a bit more confident moving forward.

@unitedstatesdale 3 года назад

I've had very good results by simply communicating a STFU sentence to the over talkers.

@angewels 3 года назад

😂😂😂😂❤

@Anyakolokol 3 года назад

🤣

@atashaking11 2 года назад

😂😂😂

@KandyKoatedKrafts Год назад

Yes!!! 😇

@buffyshellmouthcollection Год назад

😂😂😂

@catherinewylie6959 6 месяцев назад

Very helpful. I often people please and call over talkers back when I think I don't have anything going on, but I am dealing with a lot managing a few chronic illnesses, work, an elderly mother, and pets. I'm really burned out and depressed and to listen to a few of my friends over talk without any self-awareness (one of them interrupts) just drains me more than ever lately. Thank you for sharing this.

@kossy2855 2 года назад

I needed to hear this today! 🙂 Thank you!

@myfitmindusa6835 4 года назад

I love your blog and it helps me to cope with the elderly family member whom I am living with by circumstances. I can't leave right now and need to know how to deal with the issues at hand. Thank you very much. Subscribed and will recommend to others.

@dlam2864 2 года назад

I literally scream shut up and she still won’t stop

@moniquemurphy4851 2 месяца назад

Been there.

@Janaysdomain 2 дня назад

😂

@keithwilliamson6633 3 года назад

Talkers have a restless heart, also diet high in carbs and sugar can compound their talking

@Mockduck2020 Год назад

This was a great, concise video on a very important and underutilized subject: personal boundaries. Thank you!

@HedgeConnectFX 3 года назад

Really good point about us not being aware of our own needs sometimes ......

@jillianroselovesfilmandchurros 5 месяцев назад

What I learned from this is that for some people, talking is seen as giving and for some people talking is seen as taking.

@BL-rb7jm 2 года назад

Sometimes it's hard to listen to your needs if somebody interrupts you while you're in a position where you need to be in solitude or you're having supper or you don't want to be interrupted you could say to the person you know I don't mind talking to you but this is not the proper time I'm doing this and that do you mind if I phone you back in about an hour and if the person really respect you they will say yes that would be very nice but on the other hand they become persistent I would say you know you're not being considerate of my feelings and yet you expect me to be considerate of yours? I think it's always important to let the other person be aware of your situation when they phone to me that's indicating whether they are a good person or not whether they're selfish or not. To me that's not making excuses that's just stating how things really are.

@LucaMuntz 2 года назад

Thank you very much Sharon!

@Craptalker 2 года назад

I just hang up 🤷🏿‍♂️ Or to be more polite just turn on airplane mode mid conversation

@moejazzie 2 года назад

😆😂

@seachange2512 Год назад

Thank you so much Sharon for these valuable guidelines. I needed the validation for how I handled a telephone conversation a few days ago with someone who doesn't seem to have the skill to observe boundaries such as you describe. Not easy to be firm but I did it and the guilt was minimal.

@jujubees5855 Год назад

Me on the phone: I feel diarrhea coming on, I gotta GO! Works every time. Boundaries don't work for me in person . I'm too tired and sick. Then I get stressed out from the noise. Even if I am in the middle of something. Social cues are ignored. It's why I hate the TV shows I don't watch because every dang thing has a show reference.

@dukeofothaya5039 4 года назад

Thanks Sharron for the video

@HealingBeyondTrauma 4 года назад

Accurate on so many levels! Thank you!

@petuniagranny2758 Год назад

It is difficult to set boundries with someone who starts the one way conversation when you answer the phone. She doesn't take a breath, or allow you to even answer. It is my mother and I live 400 miles away, so I am very tuned in to her need to have a sympathetic ear. I have tried to be tactful, but nothing seems to work. I love my mom very much, but she is killing our relationship, because I don't want to answer the phone when it rings. This isn't old age, because she has always been this way. There's tons more I could say here, but it is frustrating. I think if we actually had a 2 way conversation I wouldn't feel like this. My husband won't answer very often when she calls, and my son doesn't enjoy speaking with her either. I wish I knew how to handle this situation without hurting her feelings.

@wuzhis2184 Год назад

I have a friend that talks over me all about herself, 20 years ago. I try to listen but she forgets what shes talking about. Like we can be looking at my flowers and she will go into this long conversation about GIANT birds that exist in other parts of the world! I end uo being rude and asking WHO CARES???

@jenniferlloyd9574 5 месяцев назад

The African Shoebill from the Congo is a really cool prehistoric looking bird lol.

@lovesings2us 7 месяцев назад

Thank you so much!

@cr4228 3 года назад

No. Selfish, self absorbed, neglecting her own business and feelings by dumping minutia on anyone who she is next to.

@jonrife8226 3 года назад

I have a very low tolerance for other peoples bullshit !!!!!!!!😖

@tillycomedy2194 3 года назад

this is really fantastic advice, thank you for this video!

@claudiaespinoza1506 10 месяцев назад

Thank you for the great advice! Love your content! God bless💕🙌

@ATeitter Год назад

What do you do when you are trapped in the same space with the person and they work with you. They don't listen when boundaries are set. I have to set them every single day because they have no continuity and also selective memory. Also, they are very efficient so I can't afford to replace them

@user-sq9vw1sz4g 2 месяца назад

My overly talkative friend would ask where I’m going, what I’m doing. Would won’t details.

@arlenegreer8478 3 года назад

Excellent video. Thanks!

@wendyclark387 4 года назад

Thank you for this helpful information for those of us trying to learn what we were never allowed to learn. Question: In your example of telling a friend that you need to get going in order to honor your To-Do List needs, what is a kind, but the closing-ended response when they ask, " What is it you're going to do?", "Or what's so important that you need to get off the phone?" There's a part of me wants to say, "None of your business", but that's not kind... Please advise! Thank you!

@SharonMartin 4 года назад

I would probably say something vague such as "I have a commitment" or "I have plans" or "I have some things I want to get done". If someone is very intrusive, you might have to repeat these types of statements a few times. But I'd avoid getting into the particulars with someone that is likely to be critical or try to invalidate your other needs/plans.

@blop-a-blop9419 3 года назад

Sometimes the right answer is rude.

@yeswing10 3 года назад

Yes, my friend asked me those same questions. But even when I tell her, she doesn't listen, brings the conversation right back to herself, with extreme details....your head will spin.

@timonradde8174 3 года назад

Stay vague and at a certain point they will feel the awkwardness or get the feeling that they are really intrusive. If you stay vague you don't give them somethinf to feed, as if you say you have to do this or that, it's possibly a new discution subject to feed of

@yeswing10 3 года назад

I'm struggling with the same issue. We have to put ourselves first, which is hard. But I've been doing it more and more lately, and it feels good! My friend does the same thing. I texted her and told her I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I have to get my projects done, please don't call(she jabbers for 3 hours about nothing). She called me anyway! I didn't answer, then I blocked her. I am free!

@luzjmnz6390 3 года назад

Bigger talker big dreamer

@tski007 2 года назад

Great advice. Thanks for sharing 👍🏼

@skionen1781 3 года назад

Excellent stuff, thanks for sharing

@shigshug8581 Год назад

Just ignore them.

@SharonMartin 7 месяцев назад

For those interested, I also wrote an article on this topic: www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/boundaries-with-people-who-talk-too-much/

@gabriellebakker6489 3 года назад

Very well said

@allthethings6354 Год назад

Starting a support group for people with partners that talk too much

@beansavacado8134 2 года назад

What if someone's an anxious talker? They'd stop and feel incredibly bad if I let them know how uncomfortable they make me- but by telling them, they become more anxious and MORE cautious and rambly when talking to me...

@dazing 2 года назад

It is neither your responsibility nor a reasonable possibility that you can regulate someone else's emotions - they have to figure out for themselves how to handle their own anxiety and negative feelings. Basically, the trick is to bring it back around to, 'how do I feel?' and let them do the same for themselves.

@MichelleFarrismft 2 года назад

This is so challenging but their anxiety is NOT your responsibility. You may need to limit the conversation if they can't tolerate the feedback and their anxiety gets too intense. It comes down to taking care of yourself because you need to choose if the relationships is worth continuing or if the anxiety/ talking too much has created a one-sided relationship. If it's the latter and you don't want to leave, then limiting the time may be the best option.

@HedgeConnectFX 3 года назад

What if you are always setting the boundary with the same person 3 or 4 times a month ? Won't they begin to get upset that you are always putting time limits to family time ?

@SharonMartin 3 года назад

Great question! I made another video to answer: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-h5k2Rt9wXpg.html

@tmmartinesq.6216 2 года назад

That's their problem

@rses916 2 года назад

To hell with them.

@nicoletara353 Год назад

@@rses916 lmao

@bloo4448 2 года назад

This did not help, I know someone who speaks a blue streak and how do you get a chance to speak….also that person does not stop……so what to do

@CC-gb4ym 2 месяца назад

I had to separate myself. Just couldn’t do it anymore. It was exhausting.

@shaimaastars981 3 года назад

@vinuslov Год назад

And what do you do when it's your husband and he does that everytime there's a problem or disagreement in the relationship? :(

@MichelleFarrismft Год назад

Gently let him know how you feel - that you want to listen but sometimes you need to slow it down ( or not talk as long ). Tone is important here, because how you say it speaks volumes too.

@jenniferlloyd9574 5 месяцев назад

He's probably a Verbal Processor. I just learned what that is.

@cagataykaankaratas5498 9 месяцев назад

it is easy to do it on the phone. this video skips the real challange: how to deal with the endless talker which travels, works or lives with you.

@joesielskisr4911 Год назад

How about a lady I am dating

@debbiechadwick861 2 года назад

You dont even need a reason. Maybe you just don't want to hear the incessant yammering. Just say I gotta go now. Talk later.

@jkyoft78 Год назад

Mary never shuts up.

@danielr4640 3 года назад

I was never very good at talkin a lot. Im not a politician or a teacher. My vocabulary isn’t very good

@ithinkigottalent4047 5 месяцев назад

OMG I know someone like this . . . talks on and on and on and on . . . and so negative! I don't care to hear that nonsense.

@mercymusungu8737 3 года назад

What a waste of time.this is not what i was looking for...

@lalapapa9357 3 года назад

What exactly were you even looking for?

@sogekinggodofsnipers8505 3 года назад

Yeah what were you looking for ?

@SENSMRMR Месяц назад

This is BS advice. talk to the person who talks too much about how they talk to much and ask them to not talk so damn much because EVERYONE has this issue with them but dont say anything.