Shame Distorts Good Qualities 

My Trauma Therapist said that loving relationships need to have Mutuality, Reciprocity and Freedom

Shame is so immense. The smallest shame and I can give all my power away.

I was the helper. In 2014, I had a personality collapse. I saw the false ego mask for what it was; a facade. I realized everything I did came from an inauthentic place. My motivations were 1) the approval and validation of others, or 2) an attempt to stay safe. I realized all of my values, ideals, and beliefs were adopted (not my own) and that I had no personal integrity. I had no idea what was actually true, for me. At the time, the words I used were "I'm a people pleasing puppet that parrots the ideals of others". I realized most of my relationships followed the same "theme" and I always had a "bad guy", ie someone I blamed, for wronging me, in some way. I realized I was addicted to drama and was unable to allow myself peace. I also saw people treated me as I unconsciously believed I deserved. (I became conscious of those Shadow motivations). I saw that I had a Martyr/Victim identity. I began to realize these things, prior to understanding my childhood was traumatic. At that point, despite experiencing all 10 ACE's, I thought "my childhood wasn't ideal but I had overcome". It happened to me, but I was "fine". Thankfully, Spirit led me to information about trauma. I connected my people pleasing and inability to say no to the CSA I'd experienced. I looked up symptoms of survivors and was floored to see what I'd believed as my "personality flaws", that I'd struggled with my entire life, itemized on the list. I was in denial about many of them. It was as though the author knew me better than I did. I went off the deep end. These realizations were very destabilizing. I was in my 40s. In response, I made some pretty bad decisions, but managed to make it through. The grief process was so incredibly dark. It took me years to integrate those realizations. The more I learned about complex trauma and shame, the more things started to make sense. I so wish your channel had been up back then. I'm still trying to hear what is authentic and genuine to me (that doesn't come from conditioning). Understanding the somatic aspects of trauma has helped me to know that I need to learn to feel again. At this point, the only emotions I can consciously feel are fear, anger, and sadness. Hopefully, someday, I'll be able to feel the "good" ones too. Spirit has really led me through this healing journey. So much of it was done in the dark. But the right people and information came into my life and my needs have always been provided for. It's definitely been a process. But I can look back at who I once was and see so much growth. I have a hard time even comprehending my old disempowered and wounded mindset now. I have faith that it'll continue. Thank you so much for what you do. FYI, I write about my healing journey and share resources and insights I've found along the way. If you're interested in checking it out, it's on FB and called "Wholeness Remembered". To whomever is reading this; you're a precious Soul and you matter. Sending love. I hope your path is gentle. Please be kind and patient with yourself. You deserve your own empathy and compassion.

Attracting a highly narcissistic person will cause a very painful wakeup call for a 'Helper'.

The helper, the workaholic, the competetor, the analyst, the individualist, the rule keeper, the optimist, the leader, the perfectionist, the comedian

Gosh if people spend an hour a day listening to this and other helpful therapist here in YT, a whole lot of people would be more healed and compassionate of others and themselves. Channels like this are extremely valuable. I’m beyond grateful.

Thank You Tim. I am from India. My big family is reeling under the impact of complex trauma. I only knew something was wrong with me. While my counterparts were progressing in life, I was battling crippling negativity and hopelessness. When I shared my struggles with my family and friends, many blamed me for being so negative and also told God will not like me because of my negativity. So many nights my pillow was drenched with my tears. Nobody understood me. Even psychologists and doctors. Finally,🙏🙏🙏 I found you. Now I know there is a way out. My wilderness is over forever. Praise God. God bless your work. May your work be a source of freedom, hope and strength to many and many. I will do my best to serve others who are suffering.

I wish I found you much earlier in life

The individualist a.k.a the dismissive avoidant does not want others to see their pain because to admit that they have a deep longing for connection is shame-inducing and anxiety-provoking in itself. I agree that their thwarted attempts to connect with their early caregiver created a deep sense of shame, which they try to ameliorate by being hyper-independent and denying their need for connection. They alternate between drawing you in and pushing you away when they become unnerved by the physical and emotional intimacy. This in my experience is about as traumatising as being love-bombed and subsequently devalued by a narcissist because they disregard others’ need for safe attachment and consistency.

Hi Sir, I'm from India. when you conduct these sessions, it's 5 am here. I cannot attend the live, but I'd like to thank you because all your videos help immensely.

May the Algorythym be with you!

You know what though? It can also be the case that perfect performance does NOT bring validation because the narcissistic parent doesn't WANT the child to succeed, perhaps out of jealousy or a threat to their martyr image. The parent will shame the child for failure AND for success.

I will always remember that the first time i openly cried in front of my therapist was when i got diagnosed with cptsd. She asked me at the end of that particular session what it was that made me cry, particularly, that's the first time i felt like myself in a long time.

Children of narcissist parents learn to ignore and hide pain, this becomes a problem because they can't feel their own physical limits, and therefore are more likely to get injured, they also have problems communicating their pain to doctors and others.

My covert vulnerable narcissistic mother blamed as well as shamed me & my malignant psychopathic narcissist father used control as well as criticism. Both were the only child of an older mother that didn’t want children but got pregnant in their marriages very late. These mothers treated them the same way that they treated me. I didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell

This is the guy all the fans of Jordan Peterson should be picking up on. Someone who brings his deep knowledge of psychotherapy to the masses without mainpulating their fragile masculinity. It's like pulling the covers off and looking at all our BS through some protective archeological looking glass.

Holy crap. What an incredible video. Thank you so much. I couldnt believe how much pertains to me, except quite a few of the extremes. Im not arrogant i dont look down on others and am not judgemental in any strong sense. Vaidation seeking hell yes and nearly all the rest, except 6. I didnt understand. Always been looked up to, successful and a million friends. Now, last 5 years. I feel a complete burden. I live with severe chronic neck back and sternum pain. Depression over emotional. Cry so much, I cant work. Lost my businesses, workaholic, helper (takes my mind off of my pain) ive been so sad for so long. Used to be going out 6 nigjts a week sometimes 3 parties in one night. Popular pary fun crazy top friend. Now im a hermit Now i hide in my rented room. Feeing so useless. I NEVER used to cry. Feel lile a complete failure. I hate to even answer my ph. Hate me. Dont want others to see me like this... Brought up by a sadistic narcissist mother. Only. Ruined her life by existing. Married a grandiose narcissist i had one son. Sadly he seems to takes after his dad, its so sad. Sorry for rambling. Ive never listened to so many lightbulbs. I used to be proud of myself as an adult most the time... Now, i have lost all strength and motivation. Victimy. I hate that. And feeling so weak. When i reLly need to aDvocate for myself.. getting help. Im so bad at this over emotional stuff. Sorry,

Tim Fletcher has changed my life, I love you sooo much ! ❤❤❤❤ God is really working through you! Thank you for allowing him to use you the way he is!!

Brilliant Tim. This is such valuable information and the timing of these dropping on Fridays works so well. More time to reflect and unburden the shame over these coming days.

I help people constantly. It has never made me feel superior to another person. Not even once!

I would do so much for validation. I dated men and even once married a man I didn’t like because they wouldn’t leave me. And I hated having sex with them because it just felt like I had to give up my body to get my needs met. And my need was just to have someone care about me. It’s so shameful to me now; it’s embarrassing. I haven’t dated in years and my therapist doesn’t really get it; she just tells me I need to get back out there.

Tim is great! Straight to the point and sooo easy to understand

You are my hero! I've been looking for an answer to my problems of 54 years. God put you on this Earth as a healing angel. You have no idea what your lectures have done for my broken soul

‘Good boy for being such a good little helper’ the story of my early life.

I'm so glad there is much more known about (c)ptsd and the consequences. Ive been in therapy for over 20 years now (regular and alternative therapists), but only since a few years the knowledge about this is growing and there is such a difference in how Im being treated by therapists. It all becomes clear now and me watching these videos helps a lot. I am connecting dots and this makes me more in control of myself. So, thank you, Tim, for making this information so accessible.

But what do we do with this? I have shame and guilt attached to me my entire life. I come from a very big family. I constantly feel like a burden. On everyone for everything.

Wow! Thanks for this. Doing the right things for the right reasons is so key. I can see how it can be hard to be authentic and healthy when good things are done for the wrong reasons but we do them because it soothes our pain.

My difficulties were I was a workaholic/perfectionist, no life balance, but also had a problem with management/being asked to do anything by people whose position accorded them some power over me, and resentment that others who worked less hard were favored over my difficult self. Work was a minefield that I had no idea how to manage, and the consequence was illness and disability, I so wish these teachings/therapies had been around when I was much younger

The info you provide is invaluable. Thank you.

You are great. Thank you so much x your work. I was raised as the "golden child" of a narcisistic family. My psiquiatrist explained me, in line with what your exposing, that I was a "sobreadaptada" overadapted girl. That, among other things, caused me to became kind a workaholic and having the feeling that I must be all the time productive or active (wish, consequently, drove me to one serious kidney disease and burnouts, more than once). Best regards.

I’m #5! Also #7. 😬 but I’m definitely making progress healing in the last few years. So grateful I found you! On Theo Von’s podcast!

Thank you these videos are helping me enormously 🙏

Tremendous. This video reached me at exactly the right time. It's so funny. I always find the expert who agrees, but only after I myself have realized the truth. Thank you for validating my thoughts on complex trauma and behaviors. It helps me on a personal level too, but who isn't struggling out here.

Your insight is exceptional. Thank you so very much for taking the time and making the enormous effort to share your wisdom with us. It is very much appreciated! ❤

I was a helper. I was always thinking about how to help and sacrifice for others, thinking it’s about love and peace. Now I’m just bitter

Wow you just described my overbearing sister in law very well.

This is painful. Your teaching is so profound to me it hurts realization of stuff inside that never got fixed.

Omg, my personality in a nutshell. Thank you so much for this video, extremely eye opening

Every video helps bring more clarity to help my own healing journey .much grattitude Tim

This breaks a lot of stuff open! This is exactly what I need to hear today.

I never understood how sport or competition was about connecting. I never understood why people want to play games and risk the suffering of failure. I never understood when people say "they play for fun". What fun? The "achiever" part perfectly describes my coping mechanism for childhood shame.

I've been slowly absorbing the information and it's easy to digest, even easier to accept. I'm rather shocked to be honest, I've found myself moving through the first 9 different personality types, but the 10th one or the comedian, I never grew into that. I had diverged and instead found humor to be a source of suffering. I instead found my peace within logic and reason within psychological explanations. It was as if the very moment I understood the craziness I experienced, the weight would be lifted and the pain would be stopped temporarily. Until the next event took place and would hijack my focus to divert all the energy necessary to alleviate the pain. I feel allergic to pain, but constantly seek it knowing that the only relief is on the other side. Life feels like a rollar-coaster but the more I learn, the better I feel in the long run.

Thank you. This clarifies so much.

Outstanding. Hits the mark with precision 👌

I found out that if I feel really bad and get stuck in negative talk, I write an apology letter to myself Helps quite a bit

Now you see me here, listen & watch carefully... VPO.. TY!

19:30 was the perfect definition of the narcissist in my life. I refuse to be anything to him though, if he's not willing to take the long journey of healing.

Really appreciate the perspective of GOOD things beig distorted by shame...❤️

Chasing Obedience and Desire to Serve

I ❤️Friday Night with Tim ‼️

God bless you, Tim Flectcher.

In today's society, many families are under constant pressure to prioritize financial stability and work long hours to support their lifestyle. This pressure often stems from the burden of hefty home mortgages, skyrocketing expenses, and the desire for material possessions. Additionally, the need to fit in with family, friends, and community can also add to this pressure. The desire to travel to expensive vacation destinations can also contribute to the need for extra income. As a result, many families find themselves sacrificing to maintain their financial stability and keep up with the expectations of those around them.

Amazing. Seriously

How do you stop doing that? Mine is one of those helper adaptations... Also maybe problem solving or something intellectual...

Fantastic lesson Tim. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insights on this relatable topic. As an alienated father and a clinician I am familiar with all of this material but i think just like everyone else here...I just love the way you break it all down in your personal style. I appreciate you. ❤🙏

Thank you!

Much work when young over the top thatch scrape house before painting um yard work ...yes i missed out a lot. It taght me persever fortitude distract pain for coping .

Thank you for the light of awareness your teaching brings to me. It helps to untangle the massive wad of mess.

I usually watch these to learn a little bit more about traits from my own trauma but today I just learned a little bit about my brothers. Interesting eye opener.

Thank you Tim for your brilliance and compassionate understanding of human fralities .

This is probably the most insightful talk I’ve come across on the subject. Thank you so very much

i feel like i went through a couple of these distorted qualities growing up still recovering though.

Love this series such wisdom in so many of your teachings ⚓️

The limbic brain being somehow less than or lower than the cortex is no longer accepted as a valid explanation of how the brain works. The Emotional Life of Your Brain by Dr. Davidson, Future Tense by Dr. Dennis-Tiwary, and The Grieving Brain by Dr. O'Connor are books based on neurological aspects of emotion. It's hard to help people when the map of where you think they are is bad, and the direction you try to lead them is worse.

Thank you, Tim. We were made for some Connection as well as alone time

Thus was so very helpful! Thank you!!!

Thank you, Tim. 🙏❤️. I look forward to these Friday night videos. Could you please talk about insecure and anxious attachment from childhood trauma and how it affects us through our life.

51:14 what do you mean we all have some of these things? The thing that i find tricky is identity and knowing myself who I am. Because some of me feels traumatised and essentially like most things you mentioned and then another part of me does feel healthy and grounded. I struggle to know which part of me is coming forward. If we all have this inner dilemma then what's a traumatised person and what's a secure person. -Thank you for the video once again, life changing for me

Thank you for your all your work and time you put into these great videos. Such valuable and much needed information. So many lights going off when listening to your videos.

By being an enabler most of my life, as a Codependent, I felt used because the entitlement person will keep taking if you enable it

I would so love to see you do a series on counterdependence. I struggle with CPTSD but don't relate to this desire to do things purely for validation at all, and I wonder if it's part of the counterdependence thing.

Extremely good videos by a very knowledgeable and kind man 🙏

I was the helper. My father, also a survivor of abuse, was the leader.

Yes during discards very powerful styles of negativity wear to down so i would be the one at doggie in the window.

I’m the helper and my brother is the worker.

Thank you. I don’t agree that they become rule keeper etc. here you contradict your earlier ideas. I think many just become so easy with others feeling they can’t change anyone but stretching themselves.

That is for sure!! Adapt w/o or evaluation on "how-to" ....to be helpful or to make sure I was maturing as I thought I should be. Not to get things ... until I need to get a job. Cause I wanted to purchase things. Domestic stuff I eventually sabatoged! LoL to heck w/ it. Only in my home though. And I refuse to "sacrifice " cause I don't know how I want things or where when it needs order!

God is helping me through you Tim. Thank you so much❤ You’re an absolute angel 🌷

This guy helps me a lot.. so glad I found out about him

Any recommended beginner playlist? Overwhelming to see the amount of lectures. A traumatized person have a very little reservoir of capacity to deal with concepts, information and long lectures takes toll.

Thanks Tim!

This is gold! Thank you for this information and God bless 🕊

You are such a blessing. Thank you 😊

Ahhh, there is so much correlation between NPD and CPTSD. How can I accurately diagnose my clients!?

Hence the dreaded "Nice Guy."

Your talks have been very helpful. I’ve learned a lot and look forward to them every week

I'm learning. Is guilt different from shame?They must hold hands.But just wondering if there's a distinction between the two?And how they work together in complex trama. Can you dig into the wormhole of shame contributing to guilt.Or guilt then shame. And how people with Complex trama. Might create situations to continue and validate the guilt.Your are discussing this in this video. You are so good at expressing the deal in layman terms. I'd love to hear more on that subject.Thanks!! Your awesome!

I dunno..I mean I take care of my dad and everyone sais is hard whereas I feel is the best thing ever happenned .if I m asked for help I give wo limits until exhaustion hits wo priorly realising i m getting tired or overwhelmed. .if I m not asked I don't seek to help nor feel the lack ,of,especially validation since the contrary actually happenns, i m ashamed if someone compliments me for good results .it just feels natural to me and pleasing to pamper n care for others

You are wonderfully generous.

Like using.

Amazing work and help for so many!!! Thank you ♥️♥️♥️

Thank you for this Tim, really really helpful

Thank you for these videos.

Heh. I collected every one of those. Can I get validation for that?^^ But in honesty it is good to know as a first step where my problems lay

I'd say the large majority of people do this to some extent.

At 16 the psychologist told me to ask my mom to bring me say for ex a glass of water,..in order to create connection .it was so hard,unatural

I feel like i was a mashup of many of those archetypes

Thanks

14:10 All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy.

I love the info in your videos. I would really like shorter ones. Like 5-10 minutes videos. I can't set aside 40-50 minute intervals often but I like to listen as I cook or get ready for the day so shorter ones would be helpful. 🙂