You don’t have to show your ex you’ve changed by telling them. If you actually do let them see it themselves. We are also not changing for them we are doing it for us. Stay strong guys ❤️
unguided728 although it hurts and your heart longs to get back with your ex, you should focus on moving on. Rarely ever will getting back with an ex really truly work out.
I will never take my ex back so me changing for the better is for me. My current girlfriend is so in love with me because of how I treat her. But I will say this. I’m very thankful for my cheating ex. It’s because of her I am what I am today as a man. 😀
This is exactly what I’m going thru Rn. I have changed but I still do have more to work on. We’ve been talking and having great conversations but I have made a couple mistakes. I’m only human. I know I do have more to work on. It’s been 4 months and I have made progress but I know I have more to work on.
The whole process of going no contact shows your ex that you are changing. They expect you to chase them and when you make the simple decision to cease all contact, that speaks volumes. Focus on you. If and when they contact you, they will notice the difference.
So no reaching out no matter the length of time .. I’m 7 mos post break up and have made so many changes. His birthday is next week .. am I still to stay no contact. I’d love to wish and happy birthday and I’d also love to tell him the realizations I’ve had
Your videos are all valuable but I believe this is an incredible video that needs to be watched a number of times maybe even weekly as it’s a strong reminder people need. You are both very calm yet very sincere and serious delivering it’s message and it displays how vital this is to know.
Such an amazing video. Thank you so much. I saw this in 2 of my best friends. I talked to both of them about my break up, my feelings and etc. Sometimes at some point I would say the same thing to both of them and one friend would say “that sucks bro” leaving me unsatisfied and thinking I really shouldn’t have said anything. But the other one would send me a 2 minutes voice of basically just supporting me and validating my feelings. I learned a lot from these two friends. Unfortunately I was the first friend in my relationship. I had nothing to say even when I listened. Leaving her unsatisfied.
You’re right about ex’s leaving because they’re unhappy... my cheating wife was unhappy because my wallet wasn’t as thick as her boyfriend’s. Size does matter....
Listen to understand and displaying empathy, sounds sooo simple and yet it’s really hard to do at times, especially when anxiety and stress are high. This is a great video!
Relationships are a waste of time. People get cheated on and then say.. I deserve better .. then we find someone else and are happy at first..... just to have the same BS happen and again and again.. relationships are not forever and investing your heart in ANYONE is not smart. I finally learned that with my current breakup (5 year). I will date here and there but in no way shape or form will I invest my heart to ANYONE ever again. No getting attached . No meeting anyone’s family all that is not good.. FRIENDS ONLY is the way to go.... I’m too old to go down that road AGAIN.. 🤦🏽♀️ Keep it light and simple from now on! 💪🏽
I love your post !you perfectly described what I think and feel about relationships ,and it’s true! Staying together is something of the past .I think it’s important to try to make it work if you have young kids like I do .But my ex has different plans and I tried to explain that to her that even if you have a new relationship it will ultimately fail too so just stay married for the kids happiness and let them enjoy a nice childhood with both parents there.I now will never get involved again seriously although I do have attachment style from my mom slamming the door in my face when I was four and left me n my dad so I am working on that .Its just hard to live with people I’m not sure it’s natural for us.? Good luck to you
It has to be such a pleasure being able sitting and talking with Margaret. Such a warm, open-minded , sharing her life-knowing knowledge. Regards from Poland. Ps. Craig - you are great too ;)
Hi craig and margarette! I'd like to thank you for your videos. It always enlightens me when I watch your videos. I'm going through a hard time right now recovering from the pain of losing my ex and you guys are the ones who keep me going. Stay healthy. God bless always.
It's so weird. New thoughts that popped into my head, and you addressed and even mentioned those thoughts EXACTLY in the topic you close to cover today. It's getting weird. This is the first of many breakups after which everyone and everything in the universe is telling me I'm doing the right things. I owe like 80% of my success to you. And I say success even though she hasn't reached out to me yet (week 3 of no contact). Had I not found your videos, I would've made a lot of mistakes by now. You're a lifesaver. I cannot wait until I have the finances to do a Skype coaching with you.
👁👁 This is eyes opening! And tbh this is the main reason my past relationship failed. I approach love too logically, unwilling (subconsciously) to fully hear him out and immediately resume to solution fixing mode. All the while thinking I am doing my best to help him. But what I m doing is just disenfranchising him and further alienating our connections, which hinders trust.
First thought before starting the video. How? Since in NC there is not much to do in a way of actually showing them. Especially if you don't meet them in person, how to do so by actions? I'm curious what this is about.
5 months and counting. I see my ex at work, when I do she either concentrates massively on what she is doing and doesn’t look up or engage or looks angry. Working on the theory of the opposite to love is indifference, seeing how she reacts when I see her tells me there is still feelings there. I am not reaching out again!
Top top top I like this channel is the best for me giving all the details about psychology it’s a school not a channel I am from North Africa and I am blessed because I found it ❤❤
But coach, what is one to do, when the dumper ends the relationship because 'we are just so different' and gives you NOTHING to work with? How do we improve parts of our lives that we don't know what parts need improving?
craig merrila I almost felt like you Craig when he left it drove me nuts and made me so angry like he made me out to be so dumb. He kept saying ‘you won’t get it you won’t’ and I was like for goodness sake stop saying that and actually tell me! I’m not a child who won’t understand. I think it’s such a long process Craig - i spent hours via email and phone calls to his mom and sister who knew him better whom he had told and they were supportive of us and knew how desperate I was to work so hard at it to show him I’ll change and do the work. So I used to get bits from them and spend hours trying to analyze i really went into analysis paralysis: and I guess it’s coz of my logical mind. I thought if I could explain to him why I did stuff the way I did, he would get it. But often people’s emotions can’t be rationalized. They can tell you why they don’t love you anymore but in their minds the hurt is so much they just don’t feel it for you. They then try to come up with reasons so that they can logically explain to people like their families and you why they had to leave. While it isn’t good to be stuck in such a mode it was like I did that and it tired my brain, my body. I was depressed and didn’t want to do anything go out have fun exercise my brain was in overdrive and I was hell bent on figuring out why we ‘failed’. At some point through books videos RU-vid online courses tons of podcasts and posts through huffington or even psych today and then therapy, you will eventually begin to understand what it is you didn’t give them wot they wanted. Sometimes it is due to our own common mistakes when we are disrespectful and just nasty but most of the times we aren’t malicious or doing things on purpose. We don’t get into a relationship hell bent to be bad and nasty just to end it. Most of times our anxiety gets triggered and our habits come through and we often act out inadvertently. Sometimes like my ex I also loved him purely and honestly but I didn’t know how to love him. We grow up seeing how our mums loved our dads and as a woman I think this is wot my guy must want me to do - but sometimes it isn’t. They grew up in a different home a different family of primary origin and their needs are going to be different. And I think often people sometimes don’t know how to tell you - how to voice it to you what their language of love is because they don’t even know it themselves. I probably also didn’t know how to voice wot I needed from him. Wot you get is him thinking he gave and gave but got nothing back from me in return. The truth is I loved him and did so much for him but he couldn’t even receive or appreciate my love because he was so hurt he was never present. He was likes a zombie and the more they are stuck in that mode the more they dig their own graves of unhappiness because they not owning their part of making the relationship work. And that starts by relying on their partner to have faith that if they tell you what’s wrong you will hear them - often in their minds they did and we didn’t get it or hear it or take it seriously enough - even then if you don’t get it, they should then try to seek professional help with you before they start to detach as opposed to just bottling it all up and ‘expecting things to change’ and then when they leave and you want to ‘work at it’ it’s too late for them and they think you only want to work at stuff now that they serious and they leaving. But again we are humans we not taught these things growing up - people don’t become partners to hurt each other deliberately yet when they are so stuck and thinking in their heads they don’t know how to get through to us - that’s when the bad stuff happens like cheating and lieing or numbing out their pains by drinking and drugs. Often people don’t know that before they sink lower that if they could do more for their relationship and actually put in they will get from you wot they thought they could never get. So we all sometimes dig our own graves we governed by our emotions and so we can tell them as much as we want, for them they feel happiness is with some other person or rather not with you in this present moment in time. Until they realize being in a relationship takes hard work and effort and in order to get wot you want from your partner, you too also need to be the partner for them you’d want for yourself. Not sure if that makes sense? Hope you use the pain to talk it all out - often aha moments come that way - and yes by reading and reading and these RU-vid videos are all amazing - Iv learned from so many channels and even comments people leave. Eventually you will realize that you together with other ‘dumpees’ all share the same pain and motivation to want to grow and become better - and you will - you will learn heap-loads and as the coaches say learning these life skills don’t only benefit us in our future romantic relationship it’s also with our parents, siblings, friends, children, colleagues everyone ! Starting off with these videos and talking to those close friends or your siblings to tell you stuff that’s your demons wout them judging you is one place and then journaling how you think and react to things is another. Therapy also helps you to uncover how you react and why you do or feel certain core fears that you do! Hope this helps - all the best!
@@gem3530 you have shared some great things! What I have decided to do, is to actually come to some conclusions based on what I know about her, what she likes and dislikes and then try and look at myself through her eyes. I've actually come up with several things that probably resonate with her, but will be good for me regardless, like 1. Decorating my home 2. Being more organised. She didn't say it, but I have a hunch.
You do not have to change for the ex. Find your relationship errors and try to change these type of behaviour for your future relationship. Also, you have to change yourself, hit the gym to lose weight or to gain muscle, buy new clothes, change your job, learn to dance, improve your social skill, improve your diet, read one book every month, learn a new language, change your hairstyle and smile everyday. I mean eat, go smile in front of the mirror, improvre your smile, smile while you speak with people. Peace!
Hey Craig, you mentioned that a relationship could fall apart because of things outside of you, like they might have gotten out of a relationship or havent separated from their family. Can you make a video on those topics and what strategy to apply? Does no contact work in those cases?
Hi Craig, Any chance on doing a video on the psychology and behaviour behind ghosting in either a short or a long term relationship and how to deal with it?
I love you both! Watching your videos has helped/ helping me so much, I’m in no contact and unfortunately I can’t afford your personal help which id love but I’m just glad I found your videos ♥️
It's week 4 or 5 of no contact right now for me I don't even exactly know because I don't count the days! I feel like a different person but I'm still learning every day! You reckon I should wait till I stop learning new things because I have a feeling I'll never stop learning hahaha
I understand how she feels from this video. It helps a lot to move forward and understand how to put myself in her shoes. How can I practice this better and how can I later on show her that I understand her emotions and that I'm different?
What if I am putting myself in my girlfriend's shoe but she doesn't? This is why I gave up the chance she gave me after me begging and pleading. I basically accepted the breakup.
Thats how you get them back. And if they don’t come back you’ll learn from this and improve for the next one. You’ll thrive no matter what you are the star of your own show
Coach does it mean anything if your ex still has a couple of pics of you from a family bday party? Not of you and them together but just you still on their Facebook? What about old post you’re tagged in? Or does it not matter being that they were from last years. We aren’t friends on fb so only post I can see are the ones I’m tagged in and vice versa. Do people delete stuff of their ex if they’re single or just when they get serious about someone else?
Just a question coach. So I’ve been following the no contact for 3 weeks now and next week is mother’s day. My ex has a kid. Should i reach out and greet her on mother’s day or not?
My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me , a month ago , I have been no contact with her for a little over 2 weeks. She said that she feels we have drifted apart, but she doesn't hate me and still cares about me alot and appreciates everything I have ever done for her. Does anyone think that this type of break up has a chance at being saved ?
Keyword SHOW, and NOT TELL. If you TELL it can make them think you're temporarily acting better and that you're being manipulative so always SHOW (subtly) and never tell :)
I spent 3 months on and off reaching out and trying to tell him I changed. I hope there's still hope after that. But he won't see the change unless he seeks me out. He has no social media
My situation exactly. She only has Snap and you need a friend request to access them. It truly is hopeless and it pains like hell but I seek to someone who will have staying power rather than a whole bunch of empty promises
Hi, I messed up. I broke up with my 1 year gf a month ago. She has 2 kids so I never fully committed. She was always the one initiating. Fast forward to the breakup it's been a month since I broke up with her and starting seeing each other again. She then told me she was leaving to her country for 3 weeks to clear her mind, baby daddy lives over there too. I played it cool and told her that it was fine, I was still seeing her and then I ghosted her. See started to blow up my phone and all I replied in a text was " I don't want to get hurt, I don't care what she does." She went off on me saying I used her for sex and that I didn't care about her. This was yesterday. She leaves out of the country today. I tried calling her but she blocked me and has blocked me from all social media. Is this a indication that she has decided to move on? Should I wait after she comes back to reach out again? Or should I try to reach out in a few days even though I'm blocked and explain that I messed up? I don't want to look desperate either.
Hi Craig I need to get self help.books n do things in it ..learning so much from.these ...thank you for doing BPD video.... Now my walls are up.so high , I'm snappy with some that want pick.mu faults or make me feel terrible about myself ...I give to many chances to wrong people .. Also I seem to puck the same type of men in a row n don't know why ...but they seem to be same anger issues abusive ...I be had 4 in a row ... Love these thank you so much for outing time in to help us hugs
What if I can put myself in her position but it is a position that hurts me? Understsnding cannot mean accepting. How do you say - "I can see your point of view but if our relationship is important to you, it must change or I cannot stay because it hurts ME and I must be my own's first priority"?
Okay so how can you get your ex back, if the excuse they gave you was "Youre just not what I want anymore" and "I just dont love you anymore" what can I do about that?
I see you. I also changed alot after 6 months, and wanted to show one girl, that flaked on me, my change. We we're best buddies(not friends) for almost year earlier, and after 8 months I started feeling something, so I invited her on a date. There was a bad one, and second time I've been flaked, in short. I know, she met another guy, that can be reason, she don't contact me, and earlier rejected me. I couldn't stand it and I reached out after 6 months, writing to her. Firstly she was kinda odd and angry at me, but I started to joking and she changed her behavior to humbled(but you must know, how to do it). Then she told me she is doing cool, study and work, and she was just on trip in mountains, I told her my short story about trip in mountains, and she even send me some photos, she started asking me question like whats going in my life. And what I learned from that is, these coaches are right. There was no sense in contacting her. She didn't wanted hangout, even as a buddies like old days. I went of course again that no contact. Meanwhile, like month ago, I saw it didn't worked out with that other guy on social media;) Big drama with her friends;D And it looks like, he's her new buddy. Soon it'll be year, since we don't see each other. I know someday, she will contact me. I won't do it again. I got disrespected too many times. Keep working on myself. I don't need to prove her anything. It's her waste. I know how much I'm worth. I won't beg her for hangout like pussy. These coaches are right, now I see their wisdom. Even if she won't reach out, its not big deal. I'll find another one. Too many people told me that I have changed, to be the pimp again.
My story is so sad and I would like u to at least read it 💔 I moved to a new country and it was so difficult for me to get use to the different environment and the new culture... and I wanted to go back desperately... but my parents didn't accept.. time passed and then when I joined the new school.. I met a girl that I really wanted to be her friend only... but eventually she caught feelings for me.. and she tried to show it to me indirectly and I was able to indicate that but I played it cool Since I wasnt sure about my feelings for her and I didnt want to give her false hope... as time passed I started to like her alot endless chatting me going to her house meeting her family... and her family really really loved me and showed me care.. then I finally confessed to her and she was so happy We dated for 4months then my dad said that if I wanna go back to the place I came from... at that time I could've easily went back to the place I belong to with the people I know for at least 13 years but I chose not to because I met that girl.. so I basically chose her over my old life... cuz I really thought that she was the right one But she was so insecure and really didnt treat me well... kept on starting fights and I had to calm things down every time because I loved her... but she always had this thing inside of her... which is she treats her friends better and care about them more and yes before a week we had a break up and she just gave reasons like I cant treat u good or I am not ready to be in a rs and other things and she said that she doesnt love me anymore which really broke my heart Guys plz help me what to do 💔💔💔
How do you do No contact when they work for you? I feel trapped. I love these videos but I am stuck on what to do. She contacts me for work related issues only. My stuff is still at her house. Should I move it out to cause anxiety of losing me. I feel like she has the upper hand. Help . Please
Me and me ex were very happy for more than 3 years. she was a lesbian i was her first boyfriend then in last 2 months a lesbian try to snake her from me. she choose the other girl but she cant stop talking to me saying im her soulmate and bestfriend. i ask her if shes happy with the other person and will be she happy if im out of the picture for good she said she cant say she dont know. shes with the other girl but she ask me to go to the movies or beach. 3 days ago she stopped talking to me help?
He left them to be with another woman, and he came back to my wife because he saw that her life is better now. Now my 2 kids suddenly have a new father 😢
Makes sense it's good to be selfless sometimes.. also got to just listen when they vent 🫂... Mt next gf is gonna love me ...mmmhhhmmm single ready to mingle ...listen to the one that says time to let go ..empowering 🥳🤙
