For me it's got nothing to do with either,I don't particularly care whether strangers like me,or new people,I'd like them to but accept that's not possible,I'm not sure what it is,I'm still working that out.
1) Be willing to polarize- Accept that some people won't like you. 2) Allow yourself to have authentic reactions- Instead of focusing on if they like you, focus on if you like them. 3) Stop trying to look flawless- You can't be perfect all the time so yeah, just be you. 4) The shadow rule- Sharing your imperfections, will slowly build more confidence in yourself. 5) Prioritize your own comfort 6) Don't let your fears hold back
Best piece of advice my therapist gave me as a young anxious man. Stop concentrating on how your feeling/thinking and pay attention to what the person is actually saying and THEIR body language. Takes a bit of practice but it pulls you out of your head and allows you to start being more relaxed, authentic and socially confident. You'll start noticing other people's little signals and it'll help connect you to them much quicker.
Yeah, but when anxiety prevents me from reading other peoples' verbal/body language I have trouble; when I connect with peoples' verbal/ body language, I have trouble. I'm too anxious: I slip into people-pleaser mode. I've never been confident in my life. It's easier said then done.
@@sarahwhite4906 you’re absolutely right. It is easier said than done. I can only speak from my own experience with anxiety and fully understand there are no quick fixes. It takes a lot of hard work and it’s exhausting and all consuming at times but it can be worked through. I really hope you find your way through because it’s a horrific thing to deal with. Genuinely all the best to you.
@@sarahwhite4906 same boat. Recently I have been reminding myself to be genuinely interested in them and to learn more about them. It’s helped me focus a lot. Also weed has helped :) Sativa gummies are nice
@@sarahwhite4906 one thing that helped me a lot is to ask myself who i am. confidence comes from within, if you dont know who you are and what you stand for you cant be confident. search for a list of as many Values as possible, such as Honesty, Freedom, Love these things. mark all things that you think, you would like to have or you already have. now ask 3 people about yourself, one of your parents, your best friend, and a coworker what they think about you. and let them write it down. extract the values out of these letters. and compare it to your valuechart. and bam! get 5 values and describe them as detailed as possible handwritten. There you go! Now you know who you are :)
“Are you asking me about my sexuality?….why?” So simple but the message it delivers, resonates right away of basically saying “stop being nosey mind yo damn business!”
That can be taken too far. I know a guy who met the girl of his dreams. They were in love. He then proceeds to do everything obnoxious that is best done in private like continually passing gas and forcing her and her sister to leave the room. There is only so much of YOU that anyone can take. First and foremost you have to be something people will want to be around. Don't be surprised if you end up alone and friendless otherwise.
Damn I felt that on another level LMAO that was a good one. I feel like I need to parent myself again lol it doesn't feel good when you are 22 and trying to learn how to be a human 😆
NO! NO! NO! Many people say I am sick in the head. NOOOO!!!! I don't believe them. But there are so many people commenting this stuff on my videos, that I have 1% doubt. So I have to ask you right now: Do you think I am sick in the head? Thanks for helping, my dear dem
@@Thalasaur you most def didn't pay attention to the video and Tom Hardy's behavior. He owns it by admitting his anxiousness in situations for instance....also when did that, others so him exposing his flaws as confidence
It is so important to live FULLY and AUTHENTICALLY in all parts of our lives! We are the only ones keeping ourselves from truly living by letting our fears hold us back...it's time to live more and fear less!!
I have massive respect and compassion for Tom's struggle with Social Anxiety. Went through my adolescence with it and again during the last couple of years. It's excruciating. Brilliant tactics and inspiration from Tom and you guys! Will definately be rewatching this video in the future 😊📹
I was a chronic people pleaser. As I grow older I have learned to care less about what people think about me and care more about people. It's incredibly freeing. It's really helped me to take the focus off of me and put it on others.
To fans of Tom I highly recommend watching Locke if you haven't already. To some it may seem like 90 minutes of him driving on the highway while taking on his mobile but that film really demonstrates his acting prowess. Probably my favorite film he starred in next to Bronson.
Genius film - he selected a Welsh accent, a mellifluous monotone Richard Burton voice - this man was unshakable when his world fell apart but deep down he was very bitter … one person one journey one car one phone - incredible
Вы знаете акцент на котором говорит Том в Локе. А мы смотрим дублированный. Потом я смотрю на английском (валийском) с субтитрами, чтобы только услышать голос Тома в этом фильме. Его голос это отдельное искусство. Талантливый мистер Харди ❤❤❤
As someone with crippling social anxiety who just went through therapy, this video is on point! I'm able to be myself around literally anyone after doing this stuff
@@e.t926 Focus on other people. Improve one thing at a time. Then go on to the next. Eventually you become comfortable enough that you really do not care what other people think about you and you prioritize yourself and that's the cheat code.
You'll watch an entire Netflix show even when the first episodes are slow and boring just because someone told you "it gets better." *But what if you looked at your goals like that and watched your life get better instead?*
Lil tidbit that might help. Psychologist found that the same "butterlies in the stomach" experienced by someone about to public speak, is the same emotional response as an athlete before their game; Only difference is that one labels it as nervous, and the other labels it as Hype. Moral of the Story: If youre feeling nervous, breathe and imagine youre an athlete excited for their game. (or similar situation relevant to you)
My Dad is exactly like this, he is really honest with who he likes, and with himself. He is comfortable wherever he goes. Sadly i am not like this since i overthink too much Thank you for these videos man. Really helps, even just a bit
I was very fortunate to learn this very early in life and can tell you that it works wonders in job interviews. When you go for a job interview, remind yourself that you are there to see if the company is a good fit for you, not the other way around. You'll find yourself asking the right questions and you'll come across more confident and capable too.
I literally just had an online presentation before this video uploaded. I made sure to turn off the camera before I went and took slow deep breaths. That helped calm down my erratic heartbeat so much and my group crushed the presentation 😎👌
I have the opposite problem of having way too authentic reactions. Side note: I don’t think being open and comfortable with your shadow doesn’t really work that well if you’ve got some seriously messed up stuff in your head. The deeper you dive into your shadow the darker the shadow gets. So if you’ve been exposed way too much of your shadow, whether through trauma or just exploring your mind without the mental fortitude or maturity to handle it, it can be a serious problem that is definitely not something you want to be open and comfortable with.
True, but I think that treating your inner troubles like a dark secret that needs to be hidden stigmatizes them and ultimately gives them more power. I think it's important to have privacy, but also to be able to talk freely about whatever ales you. If you speak from experience, I hope you're doing good, by the way.
@@quinnmcgee7323 Yeah. I meant more like you have to overcome them, which I have no idea how to do, because I am speaking from experience. Also, thanks. I’m doing a bit better, somehow having a job helps with anxiety. There’s still all the other symptoms of PTSD that still needs resolved but it’s a step in the right direction.
I used to be really quiet and shy, but I watched this channel for years and slowly I have become someone that is known for being friendly, extroverted, and confident. It took forever and I didn’t think it’d ever come, but i’m living proof of fake it till you make it
I've seen a few of these videos with famous people - they attract others because they are 1) famous, 2) hot, 3) rich and professional actors on top of that. That's the reason they are being interviewed and aired in the first place, not because they charmed someone with body language or peculiar reactions. I mean, everyone loves famous people being real and down to earth, definitely not the other way around.
This honestly helped a lot because i have extremely bad anxiety to the point that i will shake and start stuttering, so having tips like this with real life examples is so useful. Some of my friends even mentioned that they have noticed ive been getting better at keeping my composure since i began practicing these things🤞🤞
TOM: "ARE YOU ASKING ME ABOUT MY SEXUALITY?" GUY: "UM, YES" TOM: "........ WHY!?" GUY: "UMMMM..........MM......" TOM: "THANK YOU" ME: "HAHA......... YOU DUMBA$$" LOL
Great point...when you are good looking people start wanting to like you so you will like them, that makes them feel good about themselves. If you are not what most consider "good looking" it is not the same. It can be much harder.
“Lying about your imperfections may seem easier in the short term, but it will wreck your self-esteem because you’re telling yourself that you’re not good enough.“ @5:31 Very insightful!
Enjoyed this one. Loved how he was eating chocolate mid-interview. I continue to grow my tools of confidence thanks to your channel (and others). Honestly, thanks to the growth I have gone through, I am now happy to accept that I am a soft-hearted guy. However, I overcome that, and I openly admit to people that I am sensitive. If they think less of me cause I have a big heart but can be strong, that's their issue, not mine (anymore). :-)
I don’t have a problem with being in public and talking to people. But I love to watch stuff like this just to strengthen my ability to socialize better
I wanted to watch this to see if there are any ways to bring me more comfort in dealing with people.. not realizing I already carry all these behaviours naturally- this is just a reminder of why people always thought I was cool when I never understood what they really saw. It's the beauty of being genuine. That's the root of it. 🌺
Yooo we need a Norm MacDonald charisma breakdown, the guy is hilarious and has mastered the comedic pause. A little rest in peace video about him would be awesome right now Thanks 🙏
You know what, I’m 50 and struggled my whole life. This is solid advice I might try using. I’ve done it before a few times, it’s time to go again. It did go well for me historically, I need to maintain it. Thankyou 👍🏼
Focus on things that make you happy,relax,and remember that you're great person.Remember when you have positive mind and confidence you can achieve everything.
Most memorable advise I was gifted was, if I am worried about what others think of me, chances are, 70% of the room are worried about the same thing. Instead of trying to be "Interesting" to others (causes anxiety), Start being "Interested" in others (creates confidence and, the right people will like and respect you for it)
After watching this video I realize I was polarizing a few years ago (unintentionally, and it was working great for a while!). When socializing, they have to prove who they are to you, not the other way around. You do this by being honest and not wavering in your opinions. Honestly, I went from introvert to what seemed like an extrovert at work and outside of work for about a year straight, maybe longer until life got messy... NOW the downsides to this, it is difficult to suddenly be the center of attention, you attract a TON of assholes, and sort of put a bullseye on your back for narcissists who cannot stand someone with self-confidence and the ability to have their own opinion. You wind up inadvertently attracting negative attention as well as positive attention. This strategy really opens the door for humor in life as well (after all, when you are an open book, it's much easier to be funny or charming!). HOWEVER, for anyone suffering with debilitating social anxiety, with therapy this can be an incredible tool!
Tener reacciones auténticas a lo que digan/hagan otras personas, aunque no me lleve mucho con ellas, si no me hace gracia no me río... Si no pasará esto>3:25. Admitir tus miedos y ansiedad te libera de aparentar algo, como en 4:05, y así poder lograr> 5:04 IMPORTANTE: Mostrar tu ansiedad y tus miedos te hará más seguro, pq te subcomunicas que no necesitas ocultar partes de ti para ser aceptado por otra gente (5:27). 6:50> Primero va mi confort, yo tengo que estar bien, antes de que la gente me acepte o le caiga bien.
Just one little thing that came to mind while watching: While you shouldn't hide your imperfections and while sharing them might make you more confident, it doesn't mean you are fine as you are and that you don't need to do anything, you can still change things about yourself that you don't like. If you're addicted to alcohol, or drugs, or gambling, or whatever, you can still choose to work on those addictions, while admitting to them.
And that oversharing can be offputting. I wouldn't dream of telling people about my childhood. It's just not something to talk about. It's not something I am necessarily ashamed of, but it's a depressing and awkward topic, and that doesn't make for a fun person to be around. People aren't there to be soundboards for our personal issues. That's what therapists are for. If someone asks, a person might share a small snippet of a superficial part of their past, but unless they are a close friend or partner (and I certainly never did even then), save the drama. I have talked to people, who within five minutes of knowing them, I knew everything about them, including their bad credit, arrest history, etc. You instantly know that they are high maintenance, and high drama, and they are definitely people to avoid on a social basis. Also, I didn't find his eating during the conversation endearing. I found it rude. I have misophonia, and I can't stand listening to people chew - especially if they don't close their mouths. What some people consider quirky, others might find annoying, or legitimately difficult to be around, due to sensory issues. I think being yourself is fine, but remember to maintain social decorum as well. It's fine to not worry about whether people like you or not, but don't cross over into the line of whether you fit into certain social norms. There's a difference between societal standards, which I abandoned when I became goth at the age of 15 in 1987, and never gave up, and societal expectations, such as good manners, which I always had, and never gave up under any circumstances - even among friends as a teen. There is a difference between someone tolerating someone because they have good manners, and genuinely liking and wanting to be around the person on a consistent basis. Those of us with good manners will not tell you that you have committed a faux pas. We will smile, and avoid you down the road. It might seem cruel to not tell someone they are not doing a good job of making friends, but we view it as poor manners to correct someone we barely know. We leave that to someone who knows them better.
i cant stress how much better/easier life gets for you when you successfully get yourself into the mindset of not caring what other people think about you. it's something i legit wish i could share with people.
The idea of not trying to impress people, or wondering if they like you and instead thinking "I'm excited to see if I will like them" is actually really poggers advice
After watching this I feel a lot better about myself cause I do these things without realizing it just cause it makes me feel better knowing I'm being myself and not coming off as rude towards other people to the best of my ability even if they feel that way I have my life they have theirs and neither of us can say we know why something was said the way it was said to each other (no assumptions) unless we, in a healthy way ask straight up and until that happens imma do me
Which he got from Nelson Mandela's quote, "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." In turn, Mandela most likely took inspiration from the 1933 inaugural speech of President Franklin D. Roosevelt who said, "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself ". I am sure Roosevelt found words of similar effect somewhere, when attempting to stir up courage and hope for the nation. The need to have people face the day with bravery was always needed, so I would imagine there are many quotes going back even further.
I’ve found that people generally become more comfortable when i admit a personal flaw. People are human, and sharing your imperfections gives others permission to accept their own because now they know they are not alone.
I am and have always been an unequivocal introvert and someone who has true dislike of, if not disdain for, interactions with other people; I truly dislike people and the need to interact with them on a daily basis. However, as someone who has continuously positioned myself in people focuced jobs - financial advisor, customer service manager and, now, public school system educator, amongst many other roles - I have also learned how to appear social and people focused. It's amazing how often I am recognized as a "people person" or "extrovert" by people and trusted with intimate details of their lives despite an innate tendency and natural desire to live a life without social interaction. Ultimately, it's taught me how oblivious people are to the true nature of others and how generally gullible people can be.
Confidence is knowing that not everyone will like you for who you are, and being ok with that. It's knowing that even though you're not perfect, you're still fine just the way you are, and that no one else is perfect, either. It's knowing that everyone else in the room has the exact same fears and insecurities that you do, and that they are too busy focusing on themselves to focus on you. It's being able to bridge that mutual self focus, and share the hopes and dreams that you know every human being has, and truly listen to another human being with an open mind and open heart (as well as open ears) to gain a meaningful exchange between the meeting. It's knowing that even if you don't make a successful connection with the person, you haven't failed, but you have gained a new perspective/experience/goal, etc., and so you have still learned something, and nothing was lost. It's being able to pick yourself up from a stumble and say, "tomorrow I will try again", knowing that you might not have to change a darn thing about yourself to do so. It's being able to self reflect, and gain self respect. Fix what you can, change what you must, but only for yourself. A smile is worth a thousand words. Your mind is your biggest barrier and your greatest enemy, but it can be your best friend. Fake it til you make it. Yes, I made some of this stuff up just now, but you get what I'm saying, right?
When the anxiety rush hits it is a razors edge, you can crumble with fears coming to life before your very eyes or ride out the situation like it came out of your fantasy.
So I've been doing most of this for about 5 years ish and although I have become more confident I still feel massively anxious when speaking to someone I don't know at all and even some of my best friends. I'm just wondering if anyone has some tips to help with that aspect
A well-known buddhist monk was once asked how he deals with fear. He said "I agree with it." Accept the fear as a part of yourself in that moment, not trying to fight it.
Actual social anxiety (the DSM version) unfortunately is not as easy as just changing behavior to cure. I agree w the first commenter that you have to accept it as part of your life and it's okay to feel that way. As someone w social anxiety, I've also noticed that my brain will also often code excitement as anxiety because that's what it's most used to so I think it's really helpful to ask yourself if what you are feeling may be excitement rather anxiety.
@@tomlocke3674 "Paradoxical Answer" is called in LogoTherapy: take your "issue" to the maximum conciouslly/ intentionally and the result will be the exact opposite.
I love Tom Hardy, I consider myself straight but I reckon if I went the other way, he'd be the one 😂 such a good relatable man that had a rough life turned himself around and now he's one of the top men in TV hollywood anything
Of all the self help I think this will be the best video I'll ever watch. I kind do this naturally until I run into curtain people like coworkers or ladies I feel are out of my league.
When was a preteen my dad taught me that being cool isn't doing what is trendy or what you think people want out of you it's doing what you want, ever since I stopped giving a s*** about what anyone thought
I think healthy confidence isn't so much an external endeavor, it's simply being happy as you are. I say this as I'm going through a real bad depression and bouts of rage. But I'm reflecting on what it means to be myself. And honestly I don't know yet.
Tom Hardy and Leonardo should be in a remake of The Odd Couple, except it’s directed by Nolan, written by the Coen brothers and it’s a surreal comedic action flick about an art heist of secret lost Salvador Dali paintings
These are my favorite types of lessons to learn. I learned a lot of these things through various masculine cultures like rugby, the military, the gym, etc. I feel better and more *right* in a manner of speaking when I can envision everyone around me as though they were applying for a job I was hiring for. The key is to time it all correctly and to not come off as a prick to every single living human you interact with lol
I wish I could be more like him… with my back injury I’ve slowly turned into something totally different my social anxiety and fear of being a burden has led to self isolation… even on social media. I leave comments on RU-vid videos. And so far that’s been to push everything forward to try and make myself talk to someone about my mental health. I remember as a kid, I hated my life. But that I didn’t have much control over now, I hate myself and what I’ve turned into.
@@jackrobinson5679, I’ve been trying to learn how to play the guitar but I end up having a bad few days while stuck in bed, it gets pushed further and further out of interest. I’ve tried so many Sit still” type hobbies… I even taught myself how to do some cool knot/para cord work, I even gave wood carving from my bed…(very messy).
@@JK-zq9vw tell me more about the para cord work? what is it you mean? and i also have tried wood carving, whittling and such! I like the idea of 3d modelling and used to do a lot of 2d computer animation type stuff and game design when growing up whether or not guitar or music is a hobby you plan to persue or not, i highly recommend continueing to persue a hobby of some kind and keep putting your hand to things i used to like to box but im 27 now and im past the age you can do these things as we get older more and more things we used to have the option to do get closed off to us but theres still lots of things we can do and succeed at within our scope of ability (: stay optimistic and try new things if you ever wanna just chat with someone i sent you my email in the previous message. im jack. its nice to meet you bud.
Nah... sometimes with social anxiety... figgiting and slouching... when you notice the other person reading your body language... it let's you know you're leading this conversation regardless of how they see you..... and you begin being more manipulative than "confident"...... it's low key genius defense mechanisms
For me when I was explained the meaning of powerlessness it was like being let out of a prison of anxiety. The realization that I as a human am truly powerless over what people do, say, think, and what life throws at me sometimes. However, I am in control of my reactions and how i decide to process pain and suffering. Some great advice given to me “it’s none of my business what people think of me.” Great quote! Once I let all of that go and tried to be mindful of the powerlessness I possess there’s really nothing left but acceptance. All the pressure is gone. All the vanity gone. All that is left then is my raw self understanding I’m just me and frankly I’m not that important when considering the entire world and things in it. I’m a speck. It’s empowering because it’s so true. I mean the earth is a speck really… Life is way too short to try to be anything more than just myself…Honestly tho…I fall short of even this all the time because of course I’ll never be close to perfect, but trying every new day is definitely good enough to be me…
You would be surprised at the amount of people who others think look good yet that person doesn't feel the same. You ever wonder why Hollywood is full of plastic surgery? This exact reason
exactly. I grew up extremely socially inept and anxious. and now that I'm an adult. I quit caring and yeah I'm awkward as hell but I own it and don't care. it makes it easier to talk to people and people usually take it cool and open up more as well.
To me the anxiety I feel in social situations is similar to the anxiety I feel playing sports or riding a roller coaster so I learned that if you treat that social anxiety as if you’re doing these two things then it makes that anxiety feel more natural and even enjoyable.
I started to watch this thinking it would help, but I think that I’ve realized that this is what I do already. Now I just have more confidence in my actions and I think I’m gonna be a bit more able to be myself in this way. Thanks
Tried this at work. I ended up getting complaints about being standoffish for not seeking out other people's attention and keeping more to myself. In otherwords, like with most things, it only works if you're physically attractive.
❗ *6 Guidelines for Life:* ⚡ *1) When you are alone, mind your thoughts.* ⚡ *2) When you are with your friends, mind your tongue.* ⚡ *3) When you are angry, mind your temper.* ⚡ *4) When you are with a group, mind your behaviour.* ⚡ *5) When you are in trouble, mind your emotions.* ⚡ *6) When God starts blessing you, mind your ego.* Love from a small channel💙
1. Be willing to polarize: accept that not everyone likes you. This mindset will free you to make a strong impression rather than no impression 2. Allow yourself to have authentic reactions: asks if you like them. React to them based on how they act. I’m excited to see if I like them 3. Stop trying to look flawless: freely admit your fears. Be honest. Just do it when someone asks questions. Nothing to be ashamed. Use the same tone of voice when talking these insecurities. Small flaws, little funny embarrassing stories 4. Prioritize your own comforts: delays the start of interview to get more comfortable, don’t do what everyone do if it makes you feel uncomfortable, eat some chips!
I was so good at polarizing when I was younger... it brought me this amazing group of friends in senior high. For some reason, I've become worse at it after moving away from my hometown, but it may be a habit to get back into...
remember "POLARIZE" don't be arrogant, this video is great, but if someone takes it to the extreme and doesn't remember the first most important point, they could turn into an arrogant negligent person.
The lesson here is literally just. Listen. Listen to the other person, and listen to your needs, then keep this in a balance. You need to get more comfy, get more comfy. You listen to the other peson you will stop overthinking about what YOU are doing. Everybody just wants to be heard, everybody LOVES hearing their own voice. If you want people to like you, actively listen. If that's not comfortable anymore, communicate that. I guess the Charisma Guys have videos on those two techniques too :) I mean active listening and clear communication without being walked over. But I'm just saying to stay on topic, if you have a bit of social anxiety, just remember, everybody pays more attention to themselves than they do you. And that's a comforting thought.
Fear of rejection , kept me with the truly rejected. After 27 years trying to please people and failing, I'm with this theory ,more for the discontinuation of self abuse and Pun ishment than appeasing people that once they accept you , are dull boring and going no where.. Ironic isn't it, the person with the most issues may be hiding a flipping lion of a heart u nderneath and a range of talents that make it a nightmare for people like them.. It's time for the broken, weak suffering to rise up and take what's thiers.. Low self esteem, and other stuff try and keep us thinking thier is something deeply wrong in us and it's not gonna change.. Change is long and tough, but worth every suffering step forward in the dark to find a new life, light and attitude of wholeness and joy
