Social Anxiety and NPD 

I will remove comments that are abusive to any individual (including myself) or population. This includes comments that are abusive toward pwNPD.

As a psychologist i have to state this is the most professional, objective channel on youtube about NPD. Congratulation and thank you for this quality content.

“The pain of feeling like in some essential way they are outside the human experience - of the burden of always having to Watch themselves and always having to gauge how they’re doing” “of not having the feeling like they can relax or truly be in the moment” i relate to this so much

I just discovered your videos. You are fulfilling a niche not covered by doctors Ramani or Vaknin; you actually feel more like a therapy session, albeit one-way. Keep it up.

Another reason that your approach releases me from the confusion I feel when listening to or reading other NPD experts, is that while I’m predominately (I think) the victim of childhood narcissistic abuse, I feel I have narcissistic traits myself, too. In the approach on other channels, there are only victims and perpetrators, the good and the bad. Not only don’t I see “just bad people” in my abusive relatives, but I also don’t see a perfectly virtuous individual in myself. (In fact the thought is wonderfully absurd.) Now - I want to acknowledge my own narcissistic traits, but in the black and white worldview, this leads me to constantly ruminate whether, possibly, I am “the” narcissist, or also a narcissist. Especially since I’m very aware that many narcissists see themselves as victims and the world outside as mean and disappointing. That’s unproductive. With your clear and coherent explanations, I think I see reality more for what it is. I’m not a narcissist, but I do have traits, I have a lot of vulnerabilities such as you address, and that doesn’t suddenly put me in the dark camp - instead, it’s something I can learn to understand and allow, instead of just hoping I’m mistaken and that’s not really a part of me. I just don’t gain anything from the antagonistic approach. (Although it had its value in getting out of the phase of being too understanding and forgiving, to my detriment.) Now I feel I am in learning mode, instead of “condemn and vilify” mode. Finally, your insights have more internal logic than the theories, if they’re really full blown theories, that I usually find online and in books. This is a model of human behaviour and dynamics. The others are often more of a get-together of like minded individuals - with which there is nothing wrong, but does it support our growth? I once read an interview with a man who spent his whole life doing research into - well, I forget the exact description, but what it came down to is that he researched wars, holocausts and other forms of catastrophic human behaviour. He said there was one main thing he had learned from his lifetime of doing that. And it was simply this: that the root of all such catastrophe is, and now I go verbatim, people believing they are better than other people. Condemning narcissism, especially as a societal trend, is very very important. But creating an artificial division between good and bad people is not. Just look at the many comments in which people say, literally, “I don’t regard them as human.” That disturbs me. Dutch writer Abel Herzberg who survived the concentration camps said about Hitler, in an interview: “I feel sorry for him as a human being.” He did not mean that we should in any way forgive or justify what Hitler did. He did not mean that he underestimated the evil of Hitler. He probably did not mean that he wouldn’t have killed Hitler if he had had the opportunity to. But he saw the entirety of the human drama. As we see in the massive support Hitler had, evil doesn’t come from inhuman demons. It comes from us. So yes. This nuanced and internally logical approach is needed if we want to be full human beings instead of caricatures fighting the evil in others. I could not say this in the very many narcissism posts on Quora, because it would lead to strong hostility, as I’ve noticed. Not that one should be swayed by that.

I am in treatment for NPD. You content is a great complement. Thank you so much for being a sensible, kind, professional voice.

Thank you for this video! I was aware of having social anxiety for many years before I realized the other feelings I struggled with were NPD symptoms, so it's interesting to know these two can be so closely connected. Would you consider making a video on grief upon realizing one has NPD? Like, I feel like I've never really lived my life as "me" - I lived it as an avatar of myself, one full of jealousy, hate, spite and feelings of superiority. There were so many relationships I could've saved, so much autoagresssion I could've avoided and so many years I could've spent just living in peace instead of - as you phrase it in your book - a house with a floor that could collapse under me at any moment. I don't know how to cope with these feelings.

What i love about these videos apart from the unbiased view , is that i dont feel pressured to buy.

This is helping me understand my mother and how to interact with her. Please don’t stop.

I'm glad I found this channel because it helps me have empathy . Empathy helps the healing process for both sides...

I have been watching or reading or listening to information about NPD for close on four years now. I always had the feeling that something was missing but I didn't know what until I found your channel. Your humanistic viewpoint is giving me the missing part. I have found compassion for those suffering from this disorder. Coming from a npd run home and observing the ravages on all of us siblings who were in different roles of scapegoat etc I feel that you have captured the true essence. Thank you for your honesty. Love and light to you.

Thank you for this video! This is a real issue that I struggle with, even in my personal relationships. Also, I WILL go to war for you. FRONT LINES!

You're really doing exceptional work, but it's good to stay human and have doubts and worries, too. I've been through a lot of online abuse & dogpiling silliness and it's really nothing compared to silencing yourself and not speaking from your own conscience. Most of our best thinkers & healers through history were "canceled" in some way, so please just continue to speak your mind and don't worry about internet trolls, even hoardes of them. Your audience is listening and understands you.

Noticing a change in a person with NPD in social settings, makes me want to sooth them. I’ll focus in on them like they’re my world. All I see is them. They are important and ok.

You have pointed out a very good topic. There is a relation between NPD and social anxiety and this was the first video on youtube that explains this subject. I'll be following you, take care!

Being educated doesn’t make us less anxious! I have the same feelings I may say something that doesn’t reflect well w many! Being authentic rather than social is a goal I’m striving for! Gabor Mate talked about our need to be liked vs living our authentically meaningful lives.

Excellent and very helpful content as usual. Thank you. It was worth the wait, both from your last video, but also in my life. At 40, I'm finally coming to terms with my narcissism, and your videos are working in tandem with therapy to recognise, accept and attend to this aspect of my psychology with real understanding and compassion. An alternative title for this channel would be 'RealNPD'. I appreciate so much what you're doing. No pressure! 🙂 And PS. if the hounding mobs do come after you, you've got an army of narcissists like me who'll defend and protect you! 😁

Thank you to you and the nameless narcissist for both your videos. My narcissist isn't a intentionally nasty character. I see he struggles with all these things you mentioned. I hate him being demonised when I can see he is a person who is in a lot of pain. He can be an ass sometimes but I can understand why he does what he does. I have just learnt not to play into it and allow him to abuse my good will.

Important question: It's known for narcissists to have low or lack of empathy, but do all narcissists have empathy that's low and lacking? The criteria for NPD is 5 or more symptoms that impact daily living, meaning that a narcissist may not relate to all of the symptoms, just five in order to receive a diagnosis. That means narcissists can have average empathy or even high empathy, right? Narcissists are so villainized that even professionals often see their narcissistic clients as low in empathy, but the clients who fit the criteria are overlooked for the diagnosis simply because they have empathy. I have very high emotional empathy and genuinely care about other most people. Some I don't at all and I think they are too dense to understand me. My therapist says that I am highly intuitive, intelligent, and self aware, yet her assessment for me is currently "borderline personality disorder with mixed personality traits and grandiose delusions". She specializes mostly in psychosis and delusions. She describes me how I describe myself and that also includes past therapists. They commonly tell me that I'm indeed very self aware and smart, but it feels wrong, like they're egging my ego on. I grew up only being loved and seen if I was "very smart" or "highly intelligent" so that's where my ego lies. I was the smart kid and I have difficulty letting go of that. The thing is, grandiose delusions must be untrue beliefs in order to be, well, delusions. If I describe myself how literal professionals describe me too, then am I delusional? In 2020, I became self aware about my BPD before seeing a professional and now I'm diagnosed with it. I look at the NPD criteria and I fit more than 5 of the symptoms. The only one I don't fit into is low empathy. Some of my relationships are for my own benefit, but I still have enough understanding of ethics that I am able to care for the other person and display a sense of friendship even if I am just with them to fulfill boredom and feel better. I don't exactly think I'm delusional since I'm self aware about both my skills and flaws, I think I'm narcissistic, but I don't feel like it's appropriate to say downright that I have NPD until I'm properly evaluated. I feel like it's more complex to diagnose than BPD since it's far more misunderstood. I've just been so confused about the whole thing. My last therapist couldn't even accept that I was borderline so she tried saying that I'm autistic instead. She specializes mostly in autism and was obsessed with me supposedly being autistic. She hated people with BPD and saw them as vindictive and bad. This is what I've noticed a lot is that you will commonly get diagnosed based on what your current therapist specializes the most in, therefore, if you're an enigma like me, you will get misdiagnosed easily.

The ending of this video is especially helpful. If you have social anxiety I recommend leaning into what Mark says at the end. It may feel uncomfortable but you can overcome it ♥️

Thank u so much Marc for ur insightful videos. And keep on making these videos. Most of the people have negativity towards narcassists. When we start something which is against majority, it needs power, courage and persistence and fruit of this is compassion, understanding and better world. By doing so , u r helping in building better world. It's through ur work and my deep introspection that I am able to understand my ex narcassist partner. And through this, I am understanding myself better and be coming freer. Thank u so much and keep doing what u r doing. People who need this will find u

Thanks for creating this channel. It is helping others make sense of what is going on without the shame and judgment compared to other channels on this topic. Years ago, I suspected one of my parents is dealing with NPD because the signs were very clear. Now I admit to being a covert narcissist as a result to my own childhood and specific thoughts and actions that shaped my life. Realizing it hit like a ton of bricks, especially knowing how people react negatively to NPD, but it is a relief after decades searching for definite answers about why I am the way I am. I hope to continue confronting parts of myself and overcome challenges to make way for a genuine peaceful life.

Some of us care deeply for people suffering with this and appreciate this view point. I can also see long suffering people who are being abused, continue to try to help their abuser after hearing them. You are in a tight spot. Your content is really for therapists and narcissistic people. I wonder if it might help if you also advised intimate partners of people with np. Some of us are not able to help them and are not safe.

I respect and admire your honesty and courage, Dr. Ettensohn. I am not narcissistic but I do experience a great deal of anxiety. Coping with it and trying to get out of my comfort zone is an exhausting enterprise. Sometimes I just don’t want to learn anything new and just live in a comfortable little bubble.

The best podcast ever! being helpful No words

The social anxiety manifests itself in different ways. In more 'overt' narcs, it can come across as 'mania' and/or nervous energy. Love your videos by the way. They are very objective, which is refreshing.

Welp. That part during #3 when you showed the picture of the inner child may or may not have brought tears to my eyes. Great video - thanks, Mark. Also I may need to watch more of these.

Thank you so so much for your contents ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Thankyou for being honest, it helps me to be honest with myself too. I understand your fear. But I just hope that it helps you to know that your videos are helping a lot of people who need it ,hwne you worry about people won't agree with your content. I am really really struggling with understanding myself and as I'm also autistic I have a hard time explaining my feelings and thoughts, mix that with my symptoms actually making me keep the thoughts and feelings to myself even if I do manage to understand them, the memory loss and the denial and not wanting to look bad in people's eyes. It's a mess. I am planning to show some of your videos to my mental health assessor to help explain how I have always felt. You're helping so many people to compassionately understand themselves with such complicated and vilified symptoms.

I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I have no problem dealing with people one on one but throw in that extra person and my comfortability level suddenly changes. I'll never forget the fear of having to make a speech in front of the English class in Junior High School or quitting History class because it required public speaking in a Mock Parliament type situation. I faced this very fear head on and got up in later life to speak in front of a large group @ a Human Rights Conference and found that my mind actually went into an almost blank state followed by a feeling of emotional panic. I went completely off script and just spoke from the heart as I could not keep focused on the subject. I got quite emotional and on the brink of tears. A form of emotional dysregulation I'd say. I was actually pleasantly surprised after I was done that one of the listeners, a middle aged woman from Portugal, came up and told me that she was deeply moved by what I had to say and that I should consider becoming a Pastor, which amused me because I am an Atheist. The instructor of the class told me he was also very surprised at how well I did and was surprised that I even got up to speak at all and thought I was going to back out. I've made a few attempts since but will never do it again. The point is that most of people didn't know how I was feeling at the time but knowing this doesn't help with my social anxiety anyway. I have no idea why this fear is so deeply inbedded into my Psyche. I've watched several of your videos over the past few days and must tell you that I am fully impressed with your knowledge on this subject. So thank you for making the effort.

How interesting that you also suffer from social anxiety. For decades I thought was only me. Thank you for letting your vulnerability hang out. It certainly humanizes you and makes me feel less freakish.

Dr. Ettensohn, you are for a novel prize and some big statues. Nobody until you described my condition so precisely. I thought narcissists are the cliche vain malicious etc... would have never thought that I am one, and how to heal etc. Thank you so much! If every fragile ego person discovers you this would change so many destinies...

Great video! You explain narcissism in a really concise way. It’s refreshing to hear more about what the condition actually is rather than YT sensationalism of ‘top 5 narcissistic abuse strategies’.

I'm so grateful that you would address social anxiety. As I listen to you talk, it's like someone is finally understanding me. I really hope I can work with you in the future.

Hey Doc, you're awesome. We all face snipers out there, sometimes within our own house. Sometimes from people who actually love us. But you're doing great work, and helping people. I urge you to get BIG and help more people. Thank you for what you do.

Appreciate your content so much. This topic hits home for me as I'm not able to "work a room" or even make small talk in the way that some grandiose narcissists can at times and I would say that this has even cost me some professional opportunities. Definitely appreciate content that helps me understand these patterns and work to change them

"as a toddler and through childhood my foster mother would use others to make me feel ashamed. they had a large family with many foster children and when i had done something wrong, she would tell the others about it and they would all look at me angrily or with contempt". this is how i remember her, but im not sure it is correct. The foster parents habitually acted in one way when interacting with others outside of the family, and would trash talk when they left. This hurt my trust and for many years i thought all peopple were like that. I suspect i have npd but i have learned not to act on it. i am totally numbed down in social settings instead, just trying to survive. i sometimes get grandiose feelings about myself, but i dont act on them. i would like to feel at peace and be a better mother. your videos are very helpful. You do not discard persons with npd, as untreatable. Thank you!

He`s really good

I'm learning so much, about people, generally, from you. You're gifted. I hope you become world famous and that you write a lot of books and that you make the much needed impact on our culture. Thank you.

It helped me a lot what you said. I have 35 years male dark skin and from the Dominican Republic. I have social anxiety and NPD, I have perfeccionism and now isolated without communication with my family, friends or anyone and do not have friends at work and do not talk very often, but your video gave me hope once again and it allowed me to forget the feelings of rejections for when people around me want me to change because of what they would like themselves to hear from someone loving and these come to me as critisism and proof that everything I do is wrong and that I'm destrying everyone around me without a way to avoid it. I thank you for your kind and wise words which have been extremely informative in this moment of extreme emotional pain and confusion. Thank you you have given me clarity.

I like how your channel doesnt stigmatize people with this, or other, disorders. I would encourage people, myself included, not to rationalize abuse though. Leave if thats happening, even if there's a good reason your person is not well. Having said that, this was a very informative Video and made me think about my social anxiety in a new way. TY

Wow it's scary how accurate your descriptions are to me anyways, it's very close to my current state of mind. Thanks for the video and advices 🤗🥰

I have Autism. The high pitch hum in this video gives me anxiety. ;) Good video doc. I was misdiagnosed with Bi-Polar1. This is one of the first videos I’ve watched that referenced the misdiagnosis.

Could you please do a video on your suggestions of how a friend/partner can best communicate and support someone with npd? Thank you for the great content you post.

This channel is absolutely amazing, not to mention important and necessary! Please keep making videos, I cannot thank you enough!

This was excellent. Very relatable.

You’re helping me a lot. I can already feel my stagnancy shifting. I have been stuck where I got horrified by what my family has done. It was hitting the realization that my family is a bunch of demon reptiles plagued with the Jezebel spirit. And NOW I figured out their secret I didnt want since they gonna come get me for knowing it! And because not allowed to leave them, I guess to them the abuse wasn’t enough, my departure meant declaration of War. Weeee Creepy creepy. My mom be posted up more charming than Ted Bundy. Then Grandma stacked malignantly vengeful on some evil spree as if she has secret secrets as the female John Wayne Gacy. Years ago she made me believe that my son died by accident and that it was my fault. I felt so awful and hated myself that I actually deleted my perception. You can imagine that making life a lil difficult. More difficult than difficulties should be allowed to squeeze into one dilemma!

I feel worthless and invisible being around around my narcissistic father 😢. Also feel like I'm not good enough plus he gaslights me 24/7 it hurts.

Thank you.

Your content is absolutely invaluable, thank you 🙏

Thank-you for this. This is me to a capital T, and your honest explanation of the causes gives me permission to forgive myself.

Thank you Mark for being who you are. Your understanding and compassionate approach to the subject of therapy shows that there's another way, a better way to help people heal. You're my rolemodel for something I didn't even know I should have a rolemodel for.

Great video Mark

I really really appreciate this video, Mark!

Feeling that anybody can turn his/her back on you or worse at any time for any reason is quite rational with probability of something like that happening to you at some point approaching 100%.

Great post, Dr. Ettensohn. You touched on fantasy. And is fantasy a main component of NPD? To the extent that they are not in touch with reality at all?

I don't think your channel will stay small for much longer. The knowledge you share in your gentle patient manner thoroughly explaining the different processes at work wouldn't be easily criticized. I figure their are people who have an agenda for the false portrayed of narcissism or there was a bunch of ignorant ppl teaching each other what they thought narcissism was. I can't see one thing that could be taken out of context so I have a feeling you'll end up with a large following of ppl thirsty for knowledge that allows us to heal and learn to live. That's above priceless. Thank you!

You have added a lot of clarity and profound information regarding narcissism. Thank you. It has been extremely helpful.

The way you describe this is very sympathetic and genuinely makes me feel for these people (and all of us for that matter who have damaged boundaries, narcissist or not). The problem with NPD is that these people look to project their pain or desire etc onto someone else. That is the problem. It's the only problem! The feeling anxious or the being pre-occupied with social standing, or looks/appearance, or living in fantasy world etc - none of these things are problems by themselves. It is only when they seek to use other people and expect(not want, but EXPECT) them to 'participate' (and can turn nasty if they don't) that the behaviour becomes toxic.

Hi. Thank you for all your videos. Soooo insightful. Also, your perspective is matter of fact, unbiased. My ex -partner was a malignant narcissist. Your videos are so helpful to understand the dynamics that unfolded.

Thank you for being respectful and kind. The algorithm just placed your video so that I could see it. I began listening to others on RU-vid as soon as there language became offensive. I stopped listening. You legitimately care about others and you get the facts across for others to be knowledgeable in those types of mental illness. I would like to thank you. ❤️

This video helped me so much. Thank you

I like your choices of the images you put throughout the video. They really capture what you're saying.

Your presentations are very concise, and to the point. You also have great clarity of expression. I love.

It is very good advice to parent yourself. I appreciate this video.

I also have anxiety issues or social anxiety I get panic attacks easily.

Thank you so much for sharing your excellent understanding with us! Incredible work! You've filled in SO many blanks.

Thanks so much for

I just discovered your channel and I can’t stop crying. Do you still except new patients? Is it possible to speak with you and consult about my condition?

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your own feelings on the subject.

Thank you Dr., I am at the moment dealing with a narcissistic ex, he has become obsessive and I’m even considering going to the police. However, I do not see him as necessarily evil or “demonic” as I found narcissists described in some videos here on RU-vid. Your videos are such a breath of fresh air, thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.

12:49 thanks so much for explaining the anxiety loop into a negative negative state and how do you work through and get to a positive positive state. Excellent work thanks so much :-)

I too have just discovered your brilliant video! I'm very certain that you are talking about my entire life. My social anxiety goes way back into early childhood just as you have described it. My life is now at a crossroads between my being bound by my own chains of lifelong anxiety (I'm 64)and breaking these ancient trauma bonds through which I hope to live a full, happy and REAL LIFE with the years I have left! I am also aware of the need to make the CRUCIAL distinction between fantacy and FACT in percieving any potential social opportunities in real life! I am also almost entirely house bound with the agoraphobia associated with the accumulated anxiety causing total disability to be able to pursue a normal adult life! I have a question as to whether I'm a narcissist suffering from life long social anxiety OR whether I'm a codependant suffering the same kind of debilitating life long social anxiety?? Am I really a narcissist or a codependant?? From your perspective, does it even matter in the overall light of effective psycho-theraputic recovery?? Thank You So Much!

You're AMAZING!!! Thanks

I love these videos, they help me cope with the treatment someone who is very dear to me inadvertently perpetrates on me.He has severe NPD but his cycles of pushing me away and pulling me close are very painful and its hard not to devalue myself. I have decided to stay by his side as a friend as his infidelity makes a romantic relationship too difficult for me to stay in. I hope at some point to see him in therapy because he is in so much pain ,its difficult to watch. Ty for all the info a.d your compassion for tbese struggling ,broken ppl

Dr. I know you help me see the other side of my son. Hes been called a narc. And hes angry all the time. Ive noticed more men acting this way than i used to.

Great content .

Good video

Are you aware of any specific traits that are unique to narcissists? Could you share about that?

Thank you doc! ❤

You woke me up. Thank you.

On the positive side to social anxiety: Narcissists may have continual emotional pain, but Cancer patients have continual physical pain.

Ok so we can get over the anxiety it didn't kill us but it sure as hell killed our new friendship because at that moment you were unable to connect with their greif.

The idea of having NPD scares me a lot. My mom used "narcissist" as an insult a lot. Whenever I failed to respond to her screaming at me, whenever I thought she might be wrong, she called me a narcissist, and said that meant I was a terrible person. And... I don't want to exclude the possibility of NPD, because I don't want to imply that narcissists are in any way bad people. Because they aren't. But it brings me a lot of anxiety. What if she was right? What if that means she was right about _everything?_ What if that means all of it was my fault somehow, that I antagonized her into getting worse and worse until it forced her to hurt the rest of my family by lashing out? It really, really scares me.

I d like know you point about the last part of treatment,when you must face live whithout defenses, thank you, you so helpfull ¡!!!!!!

Could you talk about the trouble that comes with hypomanic grandiosity highs?

i like the jacket 😊

thank you, this helps me a lot

Thank you =)

❤❤❤ your videos .

I’ve heard it said that shyness is in fact conceit, so what you say may have some merit. I’m reluctant to label my social anxiety as narcissism, however, because it seems to imply that it’s not a legitimate problem, but a mere character defect.

How do you distinguish this from high functioning autism. Since I was 4 years old I would go mute and panick in social situations, ive has people laugh at me for the way i speak and my a typical speech which maked it worse.

Great video.

Hi Dr Ettensohn. I am enjoying your teaching but have only heard 4-5 of your lectures. I am waiting to see if it is your intension to educate me on how to deal with/live among those who have been diagnosed with NPD. I believe I am a codependent suffering with self love deficit. Much of what you are teaching re diagnosis is way over my head. I just want to know how to get along, overcome and dodge the pain caused by those suffering from NPD. Your teaching is very interesting, but do you suggest that I look elsewhere to learn what I am after?

Do you have any videos explaining the “ supply “ meaning on what it really means ?

Yeah, I really get tired of the “they’re evil, they’re demons…run, girl, run!” tone of the other narcissism-themed channels. For the rare self-aware narc genuinely trying to improve, victim-focused channels like Dr. Ramani’s are discouraging. The open derision of channels like this from the likes of H.G. Tudor strikes me as terribly unfair.

Everybody fears criticism!! Social anxiety in NPD is obviously coming from a different place. I am a recovering codependent so similar traits but not a personality disorder.

I was osticized when pregnant at 15 and still today sometimes when I tell my children's ages and they know my age. Is cease to exist the same as feeling that pain and sadness may be so deep that suicide might happen? Can a person have anxiety and paranoia but never be hurtful towards others? And be living with a covert or malignant narcissist who is hurtful? This is a hurtful world and crime is soaring, how does this play into it?

I have intellectual disability with pragmatic social communication disorder and extroverted. People truly hate me. I live being victimized. So it is me, not them that is the issue. People can't stand goofy, odd creepy intellectual impaired people. I was dx autism but now ASD b/c not all symptoms. Narcissists want to be perfect socially and no one can be perfect socially. I just want the abuse to stop and i want a few mentally impaired friends like myself. I want to go unnoticed in life and have peace and be good person. Sorry so long and wordy. BTW I am elderly old lady lonely, all alone.

What’s the difference between vulnerable narcissism and avoidant personality disorder