Social Gender Dysphoria & How it Affects Your Life! 

What helped me a lot was to stop trying to be a “beautiful woman” I had to learn to be beautiful....so by putting aside trying to “act more feminine “ it actually left room to be feminine. I know this sounds like a Jedi mind trick but it actually works.

Hoping everyone is having ok Christmas season - it’s weird this year for sure. *Hugs* 💐

I'm non binary and I hate that people will either classify me as male or female. They both make me so uncomfortable, and people never assume that someone is non binary. It makes me feel like I have to pick one, but I'm comfortable with neither.

I'm so far from passing at this point. I'm still at the point where, in my darkest moments, I sometimes question even being trans. 😅

I am non binary trans masculine. I am also older, 64. I had my top surgery 6 weeks ago. I came to this later in life, but looking back, I have always felt like a "person", not a "gender", even if there were no words to describe this decades ago, and really no knowledge or representation of this. I am also an introvert, and don't like to be in groups or crowds. I often associated my discomfort with social anxiety, which is likely a component. In group settings, say at a party at someone's house, the women all congregated in the kitchen and talked about "women things", and the men all sat in the living room and talked about "men things". I would navigate from one room to the other and could never identify or relate with either group. Now I realize that this is part of social dysphoria. As I got to know and understand myself as trans non binary, being called "mam" or "sir" at a store or something was irritating and discouraging, and I did go through a period where I was a bit more hypermasculine. Since my surgery, I can see myself as I am, I feel more confident internally, and as a result, I don't care as much when I am constantly misgendered. It is something that society, especially here in conservative country, won't really get or understand, and I don't want to pick a fight with every store clerk I encounter and have to educate everyone on what "being in the middle" means. Perhaps it is my age and I accept a lot more things I can't change. My friends know who and what I am, and mostly, I am happy and comfortable with myself, and realize that it is a continuous evolution. It will be interesting to see where I am in 5 or 10 years, and will I still be non binary, or will I gravitate more towards expressing myself more as a man? Thanks for your videos. Have a safe and healthy Christmas.

I cant talk to people when I'm out and about, my voice is so manly. This is so true. I see and hear women and they are so feminine compared to me and I all I want to be is feminine. I've stopped the hrt because of complications and also I find by going out as comfortable as a I can, even tho I have social dysphoria, it seems to help my confidence when I present as a man at work. I'm transgender but the more I transition the more I realize the masculine side of me is important too. It's so confusing. I actually think I am Genderfluid or Bigender vs just a Transwoman. I do feel like an imposter sometimes but I also feel happiest when I just don't care what others think. Unfortunately those days a vary rare. I'll be going to a new therapist with over a decade of experience with transgender people so I'm excited to see what she can do to help me navigate these new feelings. You're amazing Doc. Thank you.

I really want to give you a hug. I've been binging your videos lately and I feel understood and less alone. Thank you so much ❤️

personally i think the social part of transition is the hardest part of transition because it forces you to be the most vulnerable imo people might make fun of me for my looks but they will hate me for my beliefs i think you are right though we should be enjoying the things about our personalities that we well ... enjoy and we should share them for others to enjoy with us its not easy though that's why a good support system is so important happy holidays dr.z !!! sending tidings of comfort and joy and dreams of sugar plumbs

Love the new background and the sweater!!!!

Thank you Dr. Z for this excellent presentation. I'm in early transition and didn't achieve the body congruency that I'm looking for but social dysphoria is so much present that I socially transitionned because I couldn't bear it anymore. I told myself that it's better to have some people gendering correctly than nobody and that it's better to feel free to express myself the way I truly want. I don't "pass" at all to anyone but there's a lot of people who gender me correctly out of empathy, courtesy or respect. I live in Montreal and the people here are relatively open-minded compared to the rest of the world. Although I really want to pass eventually, having people gendering me correctly feels way more important to me. When it happens, it makes me feel very happy. When it doesn't, I'm unhappy about it but I try to remind myself that I've socially transitioned very early and already made so much progress in less than a year after coming out to myself. I remind myself that I can choose up to some extent who I include in my life or not.

My biggest issue. I am a “fringe of the herd” type anyway who struggles with social niceties and acceptance since childhood, as result of my inner transgender nature. People pick up on my discomfort and it interferes with integration into groups. I expect my being good with being a bit of a loner has served me well as I transition as social validation is kind of off my radar. My transition is about me and those I am attached to, not society in general. That said there is a very human need for people and friendships that has been stunted and deformed by years of only presenting a phony self and withdrawing from too much scrutiny. As I own my truth I am finding a niche of folks I am being my real self with and I think that has made social dysphoria something I note as one of my bigger issues than dysphoria over my boy bits

That's a pretty neat outfit I'm still pre-t but I get social dysphoria actually quite a bit, probably because I'm both physically disabled and autistic and it's hard for me to believe I can be a "proper" man, even though I technically know that's BS, I'm weak as heck and can't seem to get stronger. And I'm autistic, so I'll always miss cues and never seem like the kind of man every one else expects, and it makes me worry if it's worth it. Like, even when I see people suggest things to feel more masculine pre-t they almost always suggest exercise, but every time I try, I keep falling... last time I tried to ride a bike I fainted so that's nixed.. And tbh I think I might need a wheelchair soon or at least some mobility equipment It does not help me feel more masculine to dislocate a finger trying to get a glass of juice Again, I know it's bs, I know there are cis disabled guys but it certainly bothers me

For myself, I have been medically transitioning for 3 years now and I get the social dysphoria from going out and not being able to still pass as the normal cis female. I have started in my late 30's and have not had any surgeries and with how my face looks, I get very dysphoric that I don't blend in with the rest of the normal cis women out there. I make sure that my mannerisms point to being female and how I dress and present myself to the public and making sure how I walk, talk, my volcabaly is all-female and yet, cause I don't have the right look, still, it really brings up dysphoria. I try to put on the best I can of myself and show confidence for who I am and it just goes through my head that it is not enough.

I'm scared to death. I go before a psychiatrist next week and they will sit in judgement of me. They get to decide if I get to have my transition surgeries or not. That is the only way my Insurance will pay for it. No one else should be able to decide if I get to complete my transition or not.

Social dysphoria for me is pretty terrible. When I go outside, with friends for instance, I strongly desire for people to look at me as female, but I have to act as a male because I don't want to look "gay" or "femminine" with the body I have right now. I'm still just not prepared. So I started to cope, by using self irony to use femminine mannerism "as jokes" et similia, so to have a relief. I STRONGLY want people to look at me and see a woman, but I have huge preoccupations, and obssessions aggravated by OCD, that makes me scare changing. And the usual "if I'm making this up?" thing and "what if transitioning is a mistake?". I'm 36, I want to have a female body, literally I don't feel mine the idea of just change mannerism or similar. Is like transition is the one way to escape this, but fear of changing is behind the corner everytime.

I'm AFAB nonbinary (pronouns:they/them) and I'm really stuck dealing with social dysphoria right now, and even transphobia. I wear a pronoun pin at work, and I work a lot with seniors and older people. And I often see people look at my pronoun pin, seemingly read it, and then ignore it and call me by the wrong pronouns. And because of the anxiety I get from being misgendered constantly, both accidently and intentionally, I feel pressured to take on more masculine traits, and to try and appear more like a man. And this makes me sad because not only do my attempts not work, I don't really want to be masculine. I definitely don't want to be a man. I want to be me, as a nonbinary person. And I feel like I'm going to be stuck getting misgendered for the rest of my life. It leads me to trying anything to deal with the dysphoria. I've even considered low dose testosterone, even though I don't really want to be more masculine. It's awful and I don't know if the dysphoria will ever lessen.

I tried to live up to expectations and couldn't say no to relationships because I didn't have a good enough reason to. It was worse when from preschool I found out I couldn't fit in with social expectations of boys and girls and absolutely couldn't relate to girls, I was devastated.

I love the video - I do feel a connection with your videos, like you are directly speaking to me. 😍 Recently I have been struggling with social dysphoria particularly in relation to looking for a new job, as this will be the first time presenting as my genuine gender in that type of socially vulnerable situation. 😬 I am managing the preparation for this by digging deep into my self acceptance. I am trusting all the effort I have put into to the conscious presentation adjustments during my transition (to fit within society’s norms for females), & now I am putting myself back in the ‘driving seat’. It is like when learning to dance you learn the techniques, you put the information into yourself even though it feels awkward at first, but then comes the stage, when you have practiced & are confident enough, when you put yourself into the techniques - thinking, ‘this is what I have been taught through instruction but how do I want to express myself within those parameters’. Basically putting society’s norms to the side & letting myself be trusting & relaxed enough to allow my human self or personality to be front & centre as the person I show to the world - within my genuine gender expression. I don’t believe it is possible to effectively present as a genuine & sincere person if I only allow myself to present within society’s impossible goals as these are external & not part of me. 😊 I hope this makes sense. I have still to prove to myself that it works, especially in a job interview situation. Later I will test it in a personal relationship situation as I am still trying to understand my sexuality better. 🌻 I know I have been doing this in small ways throughout my transition but now is the time for me to ‘stand up & be counted’. Ultimately I believe this will help me emotionally absorb these gender adjustments to be fully a part of my personality (rather than continuing to feel they are laid on top) & make my future social interactions more resilient, sustainable & ‘welcomed’ rather than ‘dreaded’. 😁 Thanks again Dr Z. 🌺

The books in the background are very classy Dr Z. All my books are in piles and boxes so I shoot my videos with a Red curtain in the background. oh well. Great video as always. Your series has helped me cope with starting transition beyond measure. Thankyou!

Send luvies if you are a trans agender person!

I’m a feminine man (and probably slightly autistic) who doesn’t really intend to transition but I think I can contribute a bit to this topic. I’m one of the people who often feels « just like myself», and the only physical dysphoria I remember was usually a consequence of a social dysphoria that happened first. The way I phrase my dysphoria would not necessarily be «not being seen » as a woman but rather «not being treated » as one. Since I perceive myself as having a rather gender neutral body that could probably pass without to much adjustment, I actually love my body and think of myself as cute even without any adjustments. However, this makes the things that drive my social dysphoria even worse: Misandristic comments, exclusion of men by circles of women, the need to prove innocence rather than just being assumed innocent (as any human being deserves). This dissonance between my reality and the stereotype society has does still cause trouble to me to this very day. However, I did make the experience, that adressing the issue and defending it firmly is somewhat working. My wife did first not like when I changed my wardrobe and started putting on make up (both still either gender neutral or marketed as male from the seller, so nothing that would already rate me as a «woman»), but she realized that I did not do it to hurt her, when I broke down in tears, finally being able to let out all the pressure as I often did as a teenager. At the same time, I felt somewhat flattered that my wife seems to see the threat of another woman (within me), meaning, that I was somewhat on the right path to be accepted by the matrisensus (the sisterhood). My most recent success that still gives me euphoria up to this day, is that after all the bullying and rejection that I received during my young years (also being excluded as a weirdo in an otherwise almost women-only class), I got the approval from my family-in-law (among them several women), expressing actual love to me. Of course, this is family/platonic love, but even when it comes to love, I don’t make that much difference between the kinds there are. It gives me a feeling of deeper intimacy to actually treat my wife as a « buddy » and I remember how I fell in love again seing how strong and cool she was when she commanded the household (including some carpentry and even participating in it when we were visiting back in her home country). I’m lucky to have her, she seems to be a manifestation of my wish to be desired. And while I had to make to first move, it was rather smooth and at no point did I feel unsafe. While my mother despised my imagination of being hot and beautiful and women desiring me physically (because status ist he most unnecessary thing ever), my wife actually is often the one coming to me, initiating and giving me the feeling of a trophy husband (which I love). Having all that said, I still wonder how much of this is in my character/biology and how much is exposure to people who wouldn’t allow men to be sensitive, emotional, cordial, beautiful, fashionable etc.

Thank you once again all the brilliant content! I don’t know what I would do without this information. I don’t have a therapist currently due to financial issues but I’ve really benefited so from your channel over the last 8 months. With all life’s challenges I’m feeling very happy that I had the courage to start my transition.💓🙏🦋🏳️‍🌈

Happy Holidays to you and Thank you for your contributions.

I'm transfem nonbinary and have social dysphoria around being perceived as male despite my feminine expression. Being called sir or man really makes me uncomfortable and like I'm not doing enough to look feminine

New office ? Wish you a happy holidays ! ! !

Happy Christmas Dr. Z! 💓

I try to stay centered as a transgender person and not drift into comparing myself to cisgender people, whether they are masculine or feminine. In relationships, I want partners who like and respect transgender people. I'm a gender minority and my potential partners are a smaller population, but I think this is the right field of play for me.

Thank You Dr Z. I always relate so much to your talks. I hope you are having a happy holiday season. Much Love to ALL 🥰

My body dysphoria is pretty low these days but I have been avoiding dating because I have such a strong fear of rejection, specifically being seen as "not woman enough" or "not a real woman." I've had many excuses for why I'm not dating since transition but I think that is the real reason. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with romantic social dysphoria. Maybe it is because my self-esteem is so tied to my passability and I dread a man rejecting me due to my voice or appearance because then how would I feel about myself?

I haven't transitioned yet, but I do identify as a transwoman (even if I don't feel like I've even gotten the "right" to claim that because I haven't started the transition process). I have for a long time felt like there was always a "gender wall" put up in activities or discussions with cis-women about anything directly feminine-stereotype related, like painting/manicuring nails, talking about woman's clothing issues or "hacks" to counter issues, even just basic sympathetic conversation about each other's emotions (in conservative rural areas mostly). They make it clear that I'm the "man" in the situation and say things like "sorry, we were just talking about girl things" or "ya, I think we're making Loki uncomfortable over here with all this girl talk", etc. My question is: when I'm feeling a lot of dysphoria from being socially soft segregated like that, does that count as GENDER dysphoria or SOCIAL dysphoria? Because a lot of dysphoria I experience is that I'm not part of the "girl" group, I'm not included while in my current external form (which is not to say that it is unreasonable, just still generating dysphoria). I also feel more like I identify strongly in a binary way (versus gender fluid or non-binary), if that helps clarify.

Don't have any physical dysphoria, never had any. As a kid gender didn't matter in any of my friendships. Then we moved to the city and I got bullied and misgendered because I wasn't girly enough. (as a cis female... it was really confusing) This really triggered my and I went in to overdrive, trying to achieve visual femininity (as a kid I was neither particularly feminine nor maskulin). Later on I went through a very lonely phase and for some reason I felt like I wasn't worthy of being pretty/feminin. I cut my hair and dressed really maskulin (even got misgendered once, all of it went down in less then a month and she told my mom that she didn't no she also had a son. I thought it was funny, didn't really feel anything). I really hated the way I looked (mainly the pixy cut. all other stages of growing out where fun), it also kinda was self punishing behaviour. Now my hair's fairly long again and I feel fairly confident in my skin (except for my body hair. It's abnormally lot for a woman and it feels like it takes away from my femininity. But is it because I'm a girl/woman or cause my inner child wants to be the prettiest and best princess for my family because I didn't see any other value in my self then the way I look?) Lately gendered language exploded in the German language sphere and it makes me so angry to be referred to as a woman over just being a human. Through out puberty the way girls and boys interact also changed and it makes me really angry that I'm unable to develop normal friendships with men because they treat me differently then people of their own gender. Is that the social dysphoria of a non binary or just my general difficult relationship with gender. what are your thoughts? I know no one actually knows me and any advice should be taken with a grain of salt, but could it be? Cause I lately saw a lot of women who don't mind to be called that but identify as non binary while living a quite feminin life and besides the general difficulty in finding information about social dysphoria it's even more difficult to finde some disconnected from gender dysphoria/ physical appearance.

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Dr Z

i think the hardest thing i have been dealing with is social transition in a work setting. i used to be in male dominated types of work but as my body and preferences have changed both from hrt and social transition ive began applying for work more suiting. this is really scary as i am still in transition and have legal name change yet to do and it makes it uncomfortable to have to explain my dead name and stuff on my i.d. when i clearly look and act female. i get scared that the employer will judge me for being a trans woman and not hire me.

I have noticed that when I am outside my house or at a place full of people...I feel as if I'm not presenting masculine enough or just anything that will stop people from using she/her pronouns...I have panic attacks when misgendered but when I am at home that feeling is completely gone.

+DRZPHD *Ye must've uploaded from your residence rather than the office.* As of 24 December 2020 most of California (USA) is under shelter-in-place orders due to, among other factors, medical centers being impacted in terms of inpatient capacity.

Now I’m busy to discover my real friends, who accept me as trans women and who doesn’t. . Not always a. Pleasure to see the truth.

Why are you so awesome?

This really doesn't relate to me, since I have been married to my husband for near thirty years before he passed away. So as far as looking to be back in the lake looking for another fish ,I kind of counted myself out. But then you know who showed up.🤫 anyway as far as measuring up. I have been saying that since I was in my teens some forty five years ago now. I don't see that changing. I think we all grade ourselves against others. As a way to see if we are making progress or falling behind. I try not to compare myself to others but God I hate pretty girls especially when they are young and beautiful. Omg 🙈🤷‍♀️I don't really hate them just jealous. I know i know 🙊🙉 haha what can I say. Doesn't apply. No comment necessary my pleasure and thanks

As one who is apparently much older then the general group - the dysphonia was not much at all while I lived a life that was full of challenges and goals and various pleasures in their own rights. recently conditions changed along with the environment I function in - and i had time to think on things I have repressed so much. The dysphonia is still what I would consider to be minimal but its nagging,,, to be so close yet so far - to have the ability to seek to remedy and resolve things so i can live what is left of my life as I have wised for since puberty and even longer apparently; but unable to change the course and direction given everything I will undoubtedly lose and give up and the potential losses - is its own dysphonia. it had been a long time since I went through life wishing I would die in my sleep and now its back again - that I am very unhappy about. no real solutions and I simply am not brave enough to go back on the promises and commitments I have made to people the I love and care about. but I am seeking help - but talk about trust issues (very long and ugly stories) I iwll find help at some point I must believe that; in the meantime I am glad I found DR Z and a few others - their information and discussions do help with clarity - Thank You for that