This video made me cry out of regret because I recently lost a relationship over this issue. Over me being codependant. I know I was the toxic one, and I know I have these issues. Now I just really really want to fix it. I don't want to put that on anyone ever again.
@@jadynn.garland8081 it is so good that you realize the traumas and problems they were causing you. the good thing is now you and your ex can heal. and if you really dig into healing yourself, and dedicate yourself to not doing that again, it will be much better. big hugs to you 🫂🌈
@@jadynn.garland8081 In codependent relationships, typically both ppl are codependent and enmeshed. It's rarely only one person. It's good to realize what your role was, but not to take the blame. There's no benefit to taking the blame or shame, especially now that it's over. It's an opportunity to learn from the past and grow.
See....Im toxic cause I'd get mad and be like "it's not my fault you failed YOUR test". Instead of creating boundaries I'd cuss them out 😂 well. The old me would've
I was blamed for his football team losing the playoff game. He would always say I was his good luck charm, which seemed innocent. Except I had my own sporting event going on that day, and couldn’t stay for the second half of the game. Because I didn’t ditch my own event, he blamed me for his team losing the playoffs.
I feel like that could have been a cute thing like if he jokingly said something about his lucky charm not being there but I'm going to assume he was not joking around which is honestly kinda crazy
I mean… it’s certainly not “toxic” to offer help, but to take the responsibility upon yourself as if their failure/success depends on you, is definitely a habit of codependency (and I’m saying this as someone who’s been battling codependent tendencies for many years!) It always seemed like such an abstract concept when applied to myself, so why can I see it so clearly in others?!
I really feel like these are important points but most of the time the behavior is much more subtle and not as in your face. In this scenario it’s clear who the asshole is, but in a lot of toxic relationships I’ve seen or been involved in, it would be like: partner comes home, is being dramatic and clearly in a bad mood. You ask if they’re okay, how did their test go, etc. and they say something like “do me a favor okay? Next time don’t say you’re going to help me and just abandon me. I was fine studying by myself, but you wanted to be involved so I let you, because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. My whole routine was off and then you passed out, and I couldn’t concentrate over your snoring. So next time, just don’t help me. You obviously did more harm than good” or something like that. Also I’d love suggestions on what to say in these situations. Recognizing toxic behavior is important, but what next? When dealing with narcissistic traits like this, I’ve heard it’s bad to call out the behavior, and it’s best to remove that person from your life.. but I find that to be very impractical advice for most.
@Sarah Hoyt well said. In the moment if you call them out a narcissist will still find ways to spin things so you are the one in wrong. Like you can't argue with them at all. There is no winning for you so the best thing to do is to remove yourself from that. Is is hard? As nails it is, but it's like a cancer youve got to take it out❤
You can look up a worksheet that’s easily found online, it’s called “DEAR MAN”. It’s about assertive communication. Generally speaking, though, it’s best to keep the response clear, confident, and concise. People like this seldom take responsibility for their actions and you’re unlikely to change the way they engage. Like you mentioned, sometime it’s not possible to remove yourself. In that case, it’s best to work on becoming comfortable knowing what’s true even when it’s invalidated by this person. Meaning, you work toward feeling less compelled to defend yourself. Example: “I’m hearing you say it’s my fault you failed your test. That’s an interesting perspective.” End of conversation. No defense needed when you know what the reality is. It’s all easy to say, hard to do. This is creating a boundary that we’re not going to continue this pattern of communication because it’s toxic, exhausting, and unfruitful. Expect push back, they’ll test the line to see if you’re really going to maintain this new way of communicating.
My whole life is like this. my mom: you're so ugly, I'm only being honest cause I'm your mother, you are hard to live with I should know, that's not bad now I had it bad. My teacher; don't acknowledge her she's just needy for attention. Classmates, maybe if you tried to get people to like you better you wouldn't get picked on by the teacher so much, Guys: I like you, a lot. You read too much into it, that's not on me, I never said we were dating. Coworkers/bosses; nobody's singling you out, it's just hazing, notes on your locker is not a big deal, stop trying to cause problems or go somewhere else. My therapist, I've never met anyone who doesn't have at least one friend, now either you start being honest with me or we aren't going to get anywhere with these sessions.
I feel that. My ex faked losing out on a job he was never actually offered just to try and make me feel bad for moving us both to a new city so I could finally start my career after graduation. But he did this YEARS later when I finally started calling him out on his crap. His retcons were epic fiction.
My ex once told me it was my fault he dropped out of college. Because he fell asleep in the car and I couldn't wake him up and I went to bed. He said I should have woken him up and that's why he couldn't keep going to school... Like dude. Sorry, I tried to wake you. You didn't wake up and literally swatted me away. YOU fell asleep in the car, not me. YOU made the choice to quit school, not me. Anyways good riddenence to bad rubbish. He's no longer in my life. But it took 6 years to get rid of him!
I can relate. Im sorry this happened to you. I recently ended a 6 year relationship because he constantly told me I kicked him out while I was begging him to stay. "But I didn't feel like you wanted me there, you repeatedly asked how the apartment search was going." Yea for US. Not you. I got so confused when he wouldn't invite me to look at apartments and he moved out on my birthday, days before my grandpas death.
@@CovertCrow I am glad you also got away from your ex. He sounds like a piece of work like mine was! I'm sorry he did that to you onnhi birthday. But in the end the garbage knows how to take itself out in the end 😅😅. Some people really know how to mess with others and it's not cool.
As someone with bpd, i’ve seen your videos on my fyp a few times and i gotta say i’m proud of myself for spotting these behaviours in how i act and then doing something about it, so ty :)
I'm proud of you too! BPD is such a bastard to live with, you're doing great at deprogramming its kneejerk toxic behaviors by checking out stuff like this, acknowledging that you do the same things, and working to change it. Acknowledging any of your own toxic behaviors is a very tough pill to swallow for most people, including neurotypical folks. Keep up the good work
My ex did this to me. He blamed me over not “helping him get his shit together.” I was in high school for my final year and him in college his first semester. I chewed him out over blaming me over it because I had reminded him about thing he’d told me about. We got into so many arguments over it and I finally told him “if you fail you fail. I’m fucking done.” And he ended failing 😅 I was tired of the gaslighting, blaming, and denials. So much happier now a days :)
Omg yes! My ex toxic blamed me for him not doing the online drivers course after his dui(which was of course my fault too) & never getting his license back. Yet had plenty of time to be online watching porn.
GUYS AND PORN....YUCK! THEY CAN'T FACE THE REALITY WE KNOW TO BE TRUE....WOMEN ARE NOT OVERSEXUAL, SQUEEKING THINGS GETTING NASTY WITH THE UGLY MEN WHO ARE IN THESE GROSS SHOWS! IT IS EASIER FOR THE THING I LIVE WITH TO WATCH/PURSUE GROSS WOMEN INSTEAD OF A GOOD WOMAN LIKE HE HAD-ME. IT IS OKAY...I AM BEING MYSELF, GETTING FRIENDS WHO ARE ENCOURAGING AND IT IS CHANGING MY LIFE. IT IS A STRUGGLE TO MOVE ON AFTER 15 YEARS BUT GETTING AWAY FROM THE TOXIC PERVERT DRUNKS IN THE FAMILY WAS THE BEST THING FOR ME...GOD KNEW IT. I HAVE GOD NOW. I HOPE FOR THE BEST FOR YOU. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE SPECIAL!
He was wrong to blame you but you're wrong to hold something against him for being sexual. He's allowed to be sexual. And he's also allowed to be lazy. It's not your place to tell somebody that they need to work. You're not his boss, he's not your employee. So you are toxic for that.
His car was always breaking down so I let him drive my car, he crashed it and he blamed me for his car not being fixed because I had gotten him dependent on my car. I ended up without a car and had to buy a new one.
Had a teen son try to do this in 10th grade. I laughed at him. Then, I pointed out we were walking toward his eventual independence and life mastery. I asked him how we could do so while making me responsible for his choices and achievements. I then suggested he think it through and let me know. Never had this convo again.
Wondering if you ever had a client that you were seeing for being in a toxic relationship, but turns out they were the toxic one or at least equally toxic?
As a therapist myself, I can’t speak for her but I have most definitely had clients who were the actual toxic and abusive ones. You can’t directly call them out for being the toxic one but you try to help them acknowledge their maladaptive behaviors that may be contributing to their issues and focus on accountability.
I have a client exactly like that. She feels like everyone in her life abuses her or mistreats her and she always plays victim but, after working with her for a few sessions, it became increasingly clear that she was most likely the toxic one in her relationships. I think that it happens all the time. Whether the person is projecting or just narcissistic or always has to be the victim-those are the first examples that come to mind.
My sister was narcissistic and mean. But she was showing a lot of signs of bipolar, and she was really fun and gave good advice when she was happy! But when she was angry, it was her mission to make everyone else either angry or sad. I hate her, but I miss her so much at the same time. She made every situation about her, and she refused to understand anyone else's mindset but her own. I miss her though. I miss the nice Chloe. I miss my sister. Why do I miss someone who was so mean, but so nice?
Because you loved her. You saw the good in her even when she couldn't see it in herself. Many years ago my sister made it clear that she'd been faking the persona she showed to me and that she'd secretly hated me for 10 years and then she discarded me. It hurt like hell and I had to grieve her like she died. Eventually I realized that I was grieving the sister that never existed. I had to do the same with my mom. I still miss that person I lost, even if she wasn't real. At the end of the day, you miss your sister because you loved her, even when she was mean to you, because to most of us that bond means something. To them, it didn't.
… when your friend calls you in the middle of the night to chat, drunk off their chair, then calls you in the morning to yell at you and blame you when they got to work late…. So you ask what time they need to be in bed to get to work on time, then refuse to pick up the phone after that time… And they get pissed at you for ignoring them… Then you push the block button. Because that’s the last straw after 26 years of codependent friendship. You finally will feel FREE. No more impending doom. No more looking at the phone thinking “Im really not up for being devalued and treated with contempt today… but if I don’t, I’ll pay for it in spades later. Just peace. God bless him, dude. I hope he finds a way to be better… he’ll have to do it without me.
My dad went to college when I was in high school and completely blamed me and my mom when he didn’t do well because “he couldn’t study”. Uh, he went to college in a city 3 hours away and CHOSE to come home.
Exactly the toxic look what you made me do complex shared by abusers never taking accountability for their own choices and actions ugh disgusting thank goodness you are exposing this!
Thank you so much for raising awareness. I wish I would’ve come across your content when I was younger. The first and only boy I dated ended up being abusive. I was with him from ages 16-18. Thank you for trying to educate people before it’s too late💜
Then you gotta leave him. He's being toxic and it's not worth it. Trust me. I left my ex and he kept coming back to me abd every time it got worse and worse because he knew I wasn't afraid to walk away. He kept lashing out. You NEED to get away if he's blaming you for EVERYTHING wrong. That's what my ex did. All the time. It got really bad eventually and I have a bad hip because of him now a days. Not worth it. Never worth it.
I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago. It's much better to be alone than to be with someone who's mean and selfish. That kind of "relationship" is exhausting.
My ex did this when he made me wash the weed out of his hair several times a day for a month… as if I didn’t have a full time job, two kids and a pregnant belly… and cats and a dog and chickens and a house. None of which he helped with. Ugh thank god that ended.
My nmom never explicitly said it was my fault, but the fact that she would yell at me for anything and everything that went wrong. Now I have to undo that and identify when I gaslight myself.
As someone who hasn't experienced abuse, the fact that people might have trouble spotting the toxicity is actually terrifying. I truly wish anyone who's experienced this the best.
It starts off subtle. First they charm you, then they guilt you for criticizing them, then they blame you for everything and occasionally pay you a small kindness to convince you that the relationship isn't so bad. Then there's people like me, who are lucky to have a parent or parents who are narcissists, and you spend your whole childhood convinced that this behavior is normal.
Oh my God, it's such a confusing mindf*ck when you grow up in an abusive atmosphere and your whole sense of everything is upside down. Terrifying is the right word. You literally don't know which way is up and you're terrified that NO way is up. Truly our society doesn't acknowledge this enough or offer enough support to people who grew up with screwy parents and have no idea what their rights are or how they should expect to be treated, what normal, healthy relations are etc.
I love this! Only because my boyfriend said something along the same lines. I told him that he should take responsibility for his own actions because I don't like it when he blames his toxic actions on me especially after I asked him if he was comfortable or uncomfortable and his answer was I will be ok.
This reminds me so much of my ex. For the longest time I knew I wasn't being treated well, but I had no idea what exactly was wrong. Keep making these really helpful videos, please ❤️
Man, after being in an abusive relationship I lost a lot of that energy I used to have and I just know I would have completely stone walled them. It's so easy to drain me now that I can go from full of energy to "No, I'm tired of this."
I've borderline personality disorder and I'm dependent on my partner and invested in them very emotionally. I do blame them for my problems but i apologize as quickly as i calm down. I consciously understand that my behaviour is at times very toxic towards them but at the same time I'd want other people to realise that, we also have been through traumatic experiences and this is just our way of coping with abandonment issues.
Understandable, but at the same time, it’s no excuse for you to continually put your partner through stressful situations. It isn’t just about you and your partner shouldn’t have to be saddled with your baggage just because you can’t handle it. They should absolutely be there for you when you’re going through periods of time when you feel like you’re spiraling, but don’t think you can just have them whenever you want. I’m sure they love you as well, good luck in your relationship.
Remeber every time you DONT is a huge victory for you both. Try looking at opposite to emotion ideas. I make cue cards for myself (also bpd but with added narcissistic abuse and ptsd). It has helped me with my relationship a lot. If you find yourself blaming them for a lot of stuff or you're just super pissed over "a bunch of small things" write it down and see how much is 100% them.
Okay but that’s not an excuse. Yeah, you have BPD and that’s not your fault and I’m sorry; but if you know you’re being toxic, there’s nothing stopping you from not doing that. You’re an adult. When you feel the need to blame, be mature enough to walk away and take time to collect yourself. “Oh, this is how I cope.” You cope by hurting your partner? That’s abusive. Go to therapy. Quit using your partner as an emotional punching bag.
Apologizing to them doesn't fix the fact that you blamed things on them. It's better than not apologizing, sure, but you really should work on not blaming them for your problems at all to begin with. Those words will stay in a person's head and haunt them regardless of whether an apology was given. "This is just our way of coping" is not a valid excuse for emotionally hurting your partner. You can find other, much healthier coping methods, I promise.
@@melmentomori have you ever met someone with BPD? let alone bpd, any other mental disorders caused by complex childhood trauma? If not, then you should not comment on the "right" or "healthy" coping mechanisms. My other coping mechanisms include extreme self-harm. Is that a valid response? a healthy behaviour? of course not. Am I aware of it? Yes. Can I help not doing it? I am in therapy 2 days a week, and regular psychiatrist visits. I am trying my best to improve and my partner being the absolute angel they are, are very understand of my day-to-day troubles and helps me get through them. People with mental illness are well aware of there negative coping mechanisms and they are always trying to improve upon them. Please be respectful of everyone's struggle.
Literally would set like 15 alarms and try and wake her up but no matter what she would always wake up late and somehow it was always my fault, even though I woke up early, made her lunch, coffee and got her clothes ready just so she wouldn't have to. So glad I am no longer in that relationship. And then of course I would always end up calling and apologizing that she was late.
I'm always worried that me and my partner may become codependent because we both are very emotional people and my parents are determined that it's unhealthy that we are around each other as much as we are. But I could NEVER imagine either of us acting like this. It's really reassuring. Thank you.
My ex literally blamed me for failing his exams multiple times because: -He said he needed to work out to get fit and gain muscles so I would be attracted to him (never once asked for this) -Got jealous because L iked another guys post on fb -We had a fight because he called me a fat ass this repeated itself so many times. I was blamed for things out of my control and for his insecurities. Oh btw, he was failing these exams before I met him.
Genuinely curious: was he saying that the "stress" of those things being on his mind and blaming you for his lack of emotional, mental, schedule, and generally personal regulation?
I AM SORRY YOU HAAD A LOSER IN YOUR LIFE. I AM STILL LIVING W/ A PIG LIKE THIS WHO LIKES TO BLAMESHIFT, LIE, CHEAT, GASLIGHT, ETC. I AM GLAD HE IS NOT MY PRIORITY IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. LIFE HAS MORE TO OFFER. I PRAY YOU CAN FIND HAPPINESS.
I LOVE THESE SO MUCH!!! Please never stop! I wish these could be PSAs so that most people could see them. I hope your platform grows so much that millions will see them! It helps so much to see the traits shown in actual examples, with everything written out also. Bravo! Great job! Keep up the wonderful work!!
So many people lack personal responsibility. Don't let someone gaslight you into believing it's your fault, when they didn't put in the work to get the job done, and their lack of effort is somehow your fault. If you have someone that does this to you, this is a toxic person, and this is very likely going to get worse. It's really disrespect, and it's time to end the relationship, and remove them from your life.
At first I thought you were going to say staying up late with a significant other to give them support or study was toxic and I was really concerned because I’ve done that. Very much didn’t turn out this way though, when my bf got back we both took way too long of a nap cuddling. Edit: I’m seeing a lot of really sad comments and I just want to say that, all of you are worth so much more than you got. I hope you all are doing better now.
I’m always open minded watching these knowing that I could very possibly be the toxic one. I haven’t watched one yet that applied to me/my relationship, but I was on edge thinking this would be about me lol. When my boyfriend has to stay up late for something I offer to stay up with him, even if we don’t even hang out or anything. I thought this video was gonna say that *that* was toxic and I was kinda scared because I love staying up with him lol
Typically people with npd don't possess self reflection, so they never consider any of their actíns mistakes. Look up Dr. Ramani Durvasula, shes a psychologist who has a RU-vid channel all about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
@@Spijen they seem to be pretty exclusively about npd, but another psychologist named Patrick Teehan explores toxic relationships. He grew up in a toxic family so he knows a lot, would highly recommend him.
I…just realized that when I was a teen, my mom blamed me for her credit card debt. She had bipolar disorder but didn’t get diagnosed until much later on (after I hit 30), so in my teens, when she was swinging into mania, she’d take me shopping and act really sweet and happy and get me clothes. We were kind of poor, so it felt special…I had no way to know she was overspending. Her financial behavior wasn’t that extreme from the outside, and I was so grateful she wasn’t either spending all day in bed or screaming at me about something that I especially relished our shopping trips. I didn’t know she was ill, or how much or little money we had (just that it wasn’t a lot), but I still feel guilty for asking her to buy me things back then. After all, she made sure to blame me for us not having enough money when the credit card bill came in. :( Thanks for helping me see that blame for what it is - wrongly assigned. My mom was the only adult in that situation. I really needed this video.
Ok but there’s more than that one toxic trait here. Her ignoring her needs & staying awake beyond what she could comfortably do is also toxic- we need to be highlighting that a lot more than we do.
Sounds victim blamy babe, that's why she included the reaction of the pretend toxic partner, you get intimidated and manipulated into believing it's your responsibility too
@@goodghouls Nah, it's not blaming. It's personal accountability. I've been there. And we teach others how to treat us. Setting boundaries around what we can and cannot do is essential to healthy relationship. We have to own our toxicity as much as we note that of abusers.
@@allisonbutler4829 there’s a difference between unhealthy behaviors and toxic/abusive behavior though. although i would say yes, the partner who stayed up needs to have better boundaries, it seems like the other person guilted them into that situation and that there’s a power imbalance. we don’t know what got them there, so therefore although the unhealthy first partner needs to do work on themselves too, the second abusive partner is still at fault here and is being extremely unkind and manipulative. in my opinion, they are in the morally wrong, unloving position.
@@allisonbutler4829 Britt put it perfectly, not everything is toxic, you may have been in this position but that doesn't mean it's reasonable to just say "oh why didn't they leave" it's pretty tone deaf considering 1: it was a pretend scenario, you're telling an imaginary victim of abuse this lmao 2: the whole point of this scenarios is so people learn to recognize this is abuse, you were able to recognize it, im glad, but a lot of people don't until is too late, because they don't know how it looks like, so... don't lmao
I was always blamed for my dads failings for, and i quote "IF YOU HAD JUST PASSED THAT MATH TEST, I WOULDNT BE IN THIS MESS!! ARE YOU TRYING TO PUNISH ME?! IS THAT WHAT YOUR TRYING TO DO?!" And he was surprised when i just stopped trying.
Even tho, now that I'm older, I *know* my relationships were toxic, it's comforting to be assured by a professional. Even if online. Trauma heals slowly.
This is what my mum does. Just a few weeks ago I had to be late to school and by extension one of my favourite activities that only happens on that day because my mum found out I had an assignment due that day and she snooped and found I had not finished it. Lots of tears later and she apologies for stressing me out. Even my racist and homophobic dad said that he would just let me go to school and he’s the one without standards. She’s always done this. Even last year, we BOTH were often up late because I had an assignment due the next day. I don’t think we can achieve healthy dependency on her because I don’t trust her anymore. She used to smoke and has told me and my brother she will stop. Sometimes when I step out of my room I smell smoke. It autocorrects to her smoking and my brain just simply withers away. On the other side I don’t think she trusts ME anymore. I tell her that I don’t have assignments due, to avoid her freak outs and then it blows up in my face. I’ve kept many secrets from her for fear of both retribution and attention. Everything nice that she does for me falls apart quickly. My room for example. She’s bought me things for my room and then they break because my brother barges in to annoy me and then HE cries. I should be the one crying because my rooms being destroyed. I shouldn’t have to be the one that tells him it’s okay. Taking responsibility and feeling guilty are different things. I don’t appreciate how my life is now but it’s probably the best I’m going to get. It’s all going to go downhill seeing the way things are but there is nothing I can do about it.
I remember seeing this reposted a long time ago while I was still in a toxic relationship. Made me cry and I tried to ignore it. I'm better now, I don't have any connections to that person. I hope people actually listen to these and don't end up miserable like I was.
I appreciate you doing these, and I wish these were available like 20+ years ago. I’ve gotten manipulated and railroaded so many times, eventually I wondered how tf was I not seeing it?? Turns out, I’m autistic! It’s really hard to remember all the “proper” social things + process their thoughts/feelings and if they’re saying unhealthy crap + figure out and process my own thoughts/feelings + come up with something coherent to say + remember to/figure out how to translate it into non-autistic + remember whatever I said before cuz having to over explain or repeat myself somehow makes it harder = in the space of like 30 seconds or a minute max. And I’m also a bit people pleasing, lol, but that can at least partially be mitigated. Anyways, thank you for making these 😃 💞!
Bro my ex made me do his COLLEGE work while I was in HIGHSCHOOL. (my parents forced me into marrying him so don't come for me about how I shouldn't have been with a college student) I am the ENTIRE reason he has a degree. I took all his tests, and I taught him everything he had to know for tests I couldn't take for him. So this actually sent me BACK LMAO 😂 I laugh about it now because he has just an associates and works at Amazon in his 30s and I have a master's and make 6 figures working a job I absolutely love at 24. You really can't succeed if you don't do the work yourself, esp starting out 😂😂 if you fail, it's literally YOUR fault in 98% of cases 🤷🏻♀️
This reminds me when my ex's motorcycle got stolen when we were out of town and he blamed me and I just burst out laughing. That made him more mad, but it was so funny he tried to blame me.
I used to be blamed for everything when I lived with my family, and it became a habit of mine to assume the blame by default in everyday life, and to this day I feel guilty if I fall asleep and am not awake to wake up my fiance for work and I apologize profusely and somehow I still get confused when he gets mad that I'm assuming blame for it, and not being mad that I didn't wake him up
Had an ex blame me for his car accident because I wasn't looking out for the other car. (I was sitting in the backseat and he was driving). It's crazy how in the moment they really will make you think it's your fault....
Same thing my oldest daughter did. She was driving, I was digging in my purse and she told everyone I MADE her look at something. Hmm Noo, that airbag went off on my ear cause I was bent down and said nothing to her. Like teaching her to drive I grabbed the steering wheel cause she would've hit the dang bridge. Nooo I was just being controlling and couldn't STAND for her to grow up and not need her. Hmmm I'm teaching you to drive and I grabbed the wheel ONCE in the past 6 months. Her marriage failing? MY fault. Her kid is autistic? My fault cause I never got checked when I was young and I'm "autistic" labeled so by HER.
I had a boyfriend blame me for his business being ruined and all his clients leaving. He was on drugs, teaching kids and adults. He'd be nodding right in front of them. It was pretty obvious. He said I stormed into his office and caused a scene, yelling about him being on drugs. Which, his daughter did do that, not me, but only two clients were there and heard it at the time, and it was his drug use that ended his career anyway. I guess he was so high, he still thinks it was me. If he used drugs, it was my fault, because I upset him. If he was late for a job, it's because I didn't wake him up. And if I did wake him up, I got yelled at, because I didn't wake him up the right way, I said his name too loud, and should have waited 10 more minutes. It was always something. It was a complete nightmare.
I literally would have 0 patience for that, but my dad did that to my mom. Never applied himself to learn something she could just learn for him. It was always obvious to us kids that mom was much smarter, by she was always exhausted. He wouldn't even learn the remote. Still doesn't know how to use it.
I've been in a toxic relationship before and I don't handle this well. I immediately get defensive and tell them off. It's not the best thing but at least I'm standing up for myself. now that I'm almost 30 I avoid toxic parents like the plague
I see this just as abuse. As an abuse victim, I cannot count how many times I "did things wrong" and it cause him problems. Abuse does not always have to be physical.
The problem is, he’s young kids are learning from these older adults… Their parents. And then these kids do this around my kids and my kids want to come home and do shit like this… Not in my house. Everybody is held accountable for their own BS. Everybody is required to accept responsibility for their own BS.
Woof for having heard and participated in such situations it's very easy to spot all the toxicity right off the bat. 1 the (I assume is afab) GF took it upon herself to make time and be there to help revise. We don't know if the partner asked prior to that but I kind of expected them not to based on the attitude. 2 seeing her fall asleep and not saying go to bed love or anything to get her to feel good in the morning means the partner doesn't care about her well-being or thinks their exam is more important than whatever she may have to do by herself during that day. And yeah the whole conversation from the moment they come back is just a huge bomb at this point it's not a redflag it's Las Vegas
I was told his problems were bigger than mine and that I was selfish to not think about other people first when I told him the stuff I was going through lol
Different setting and in a subtle way, over the years, but same thing happened to me and my toxic ex. I now realise the psichological issues he had, but I wasn't and I'm still not a therapist, so he became and always will be my ex.
Had mine blame me for his birthday being ruined after he didn’t set his alarm properly, wake up to get to work at the right time, and ended up having to work longer into the day. Like, dude😧I was already asleep when you set that sh and you’re an adult! How do _you_ not know how to set an alarm on _your_ stuff?? I ended up cancelling my morning workout to go spend an entire day (about 12 hours) helping him with his janitorial work at I think 4 different locations. No, that’s not my job and no I never got paid for helping. Yes, I did get chewed out about his birthday being ruined the entire rest of the day as I cleaned toilets and urinals, emptied trash cans, and wiped down desks and tables. Two years later, he still maintains I ruined his day. I should’ve just turned my phone off, finished my workout, returned all the gifts, and given away the cake.
An ex boyfriend managed to blame ME for failing his second year of bachelor's, when I passed it. Why did he blame me? "I worked all the time while you're doing other stuff on the side, how did I fail??" -> it took me almost 1 year after that event to break up with him, but it definitely was one of the main reasons that I brought back up to him when I did.
I have a friend who's hubby blames her for his reason for not working out and getting in shape. He also makes it her responsibility to stop him from eating badly smh.. wtf is wrong with people
I'd say, "Hold on. You are blaming me for your lack of preparation for your exam? Next thing you are gonna say is that I should be the one taking your tests for you. I can understand if I wasn't willing to give you time and space to study. However, that's not the case. I've been super supportive including helping you last night. If you aren't doing well, then you need to talk to your professor and counselor to find a way to get you back on track. Take responsibility for your own life choices."
My ex did this all the time. He blamed me once for him failing his final exam because I didn't help him study enough. I passed mine because I didn't go out the night before and party like he did. I was also degraded because I chose to stay home and study.
My ex had a very important exam that he had to fly to another city for. The day before I worked a double shift, 16 hours in ICU, and he…got drunk with his mate. It was my fault the alarm wasn’t set and he missed the flight
Ooomg that was an even more ridiculous excuse than I was expecting. I thought she was gonna say "You kept me up all night!" And imply they failed because they were too tired when their partner just tried to help.
Me and my boyfriend stay up late together studying and when one of us starts dozing off the other says goodnight and keeps studying, if we fail we say, dang better luck next time and keep moving. We will occasionally joke about it being the other persons fault or rub it in their face when we get a better grade but we are both aware that they’re jokes. That is what healthy looks like
Could you show some subtle examples? I’ve noticed that I treat my romantic relationship differently than I do others in my life. And I wonder if there is toxicity that I’m not seeing.
This would just piss me off, if my significant other talked to me like this is slap em. Physical violence isn’t ok, but it is if your blaming me for your problems
At first I thought you meant like a situation where one partner is a people pleaser and gets too invested in the other's problem. Like deciding they're going to stay up late to study with them without asking first if they would like or need help.
