Teen Son Is Making Bad Choices (I’m Scared for Him) 

" I'm doing nothing but isolating , berating, and punishing my son, why on earth doesnt he want to bond with me ?!" My goodness, listening to this dad made me want to spark up a dubie myself....

Kids have a lot of anxiety about about launching into the world. They hear how negative the news is, they hear how stressed parents are. Trying to slow the role seems to be pretty common these days.

I used to be this 17 year old. I even quit the basketball team. Once I got to college I quit smoking. I took school much more seriously. Once I left home things got a lot better for me. I now live 800 miles away from my parents.

One of the first things I do when tutoring, is to make sure there is a dedicated desk for studies. It sounds basic, but the majority of kids I have worked with, had chaos at home. Establish some order in how you live in your household, give you children the benefit of quiet, comfortable place to study and stay with him or her if they need help. Give words of encouragement for their efforts. I LOVE what John said about the personal connection and spending time with your child. Best to you'all.

I'm a former teen son. Now as a grandfather I recall my own former teen sons and observe my teen grandsons. We all make bad decisions and when they don't work out we learn. My best guess is that this kid will learn from his mistakes too. And at the moment he seems to be separating from his parents, as we all had to do. He'll come back. We all do.

I was the kid in this story. All of the things that Deloney asks and explains summarizes what I was going through. The only thing I would push back on is weed being an addiction. It can be a problem, but a lot of time my parents said the same thing, but it was them putting a title on something I was doing because they couldn’t see what I was struggling with and never really asked. I am now 28, married, and have a fantastic job that I love. I’ve been struggling with why my relationship with my mom has been rough most of my life. I now have the framework of a conversation to have.

Struggling to connect with my teen was a challenge for years. Never giving up trying to communicate in a way that it is received, never giving up showing love.

I was the kid in this story and soooo much worse. For a decade. It got so bad I almost joined a gang. Don’t worry about the weed, worry about the connection your child may be missing with feeling safe in the world or with you or the mother. Even if they eye roll kids do need to feel touch & hear the sappy stuff way past when we think. They need to also have purpose & safety & pride in themselves. Connect more frequently & deeper. Holidays of giving them purpose. Or working & laughing out in yard together making a treehouse. A weekend away driving porches together or horseback riding or tubing and hiking. Foraging and figuring out what’s edible, etc. I needed to know my parents better & I didn’t feel safe in the world AT ALL (I felt abandoned and that I only had myself) & I would also say some weed smoking - no matter how much parents hate it - seems relatively common (trying it) in high school. Have loving talking with kids but realize at least a bit that everyone is growing & experimenting making their own choices at that age. Be emotionally & verbally loving but YEA, making overstatements of extreme pride & connection & love. He feels alone in world or unsafe or overwhelmed in some way. In my house my mom was checked out & it was like she was there but wasn’t ‘there’ so I rebelled and never felt safe. First I felt abandoned by her & unsafe & then all she did was discipline me and give me attention when I messed up. The more we fought the more I rebelled. I needed a closer family life but teens do also deserve a bit of freedom. I needed both more discipline but also more safety and presence from my mother. I felt I had to figure out the world by myself. With grades mine began to fail when I felt truly lost and stopped feeling excited about life and I checked out. He has to care & it’s just a symptom of being lost & not seeing happiness or value in what he does. Parenting is tough and so is being a teen. What I needed was my mother being closer to me and really sharing her life & experiences MORE with me. Even if I’d have eyed rolled for hours it’s what I really needed was closeness to feel safe in a chaotic school & life environment. I would end with never ever be afraid to have DEEP talks and really detail your own life experience & what you’ve lived through & what you hated about your own parents. Relate to them deeply so they can find the commonalities between a parent who they think doesn’t “get it” a parent who does. Spend REAL time with your child and truly share your inside world.

The senior year is tough. Loads to accomplish on waning interest. Looking ahead to college choices and some independence, all the while knowing you should try to finish well. It is stressful. The son is balancing sports, school work and a job. PRAY without ceasing that he be surrounded with motivated peers and then try to make the connections with him that Dr. John suggests to show your love and encouragement.

Weed IS dangerous, especially for developing brains. That being said, maybe, just maybe, he’s just trying to have fun being a teen and is gonna turn out ok.

That's a tight fade, Delony. Oh, yeah, the call was great, too.

I know you don't read comments, but wow. Wish I'd heard this conversation 20 years ago. This one was emotional.

Dr. John is trying to get down to any deep rooted issues and pain the teen is going through but the father doesn’t get it. Why is he doing weed? What is he trying to numb?

And homework is stupid…. It actually teaches kids you might have to take work home in your professional lives.

We have to stop coddling kids. The world is tough place, and the sooner kids start fighting, the better. Do you think Neolithic kids were sitting around pondering whether they were going to work so the family could eat. Start them working as soon as they can walk. My kids knew their future was on them. One listened and avoided some of the pain; the other had to learn from some pretty horrible experiences. I never felt guilty for what she was experiencing. I was here to talk to, but I'm not here to shield her from consequences.

Dad's who discipline their children are the greatest gift that could ever be given to them. This mamby pamby hands off parenting is stupid beyond all reason. TEACH your children to be men and women or they will be completely untethered and moorless in life.

Wow, john really nailed this. I finally got it at the end.

What? You told him to not smoke weed and then he smoked weed? It's unfortunate that he wound up with the one rebellious teenager in the entire country.

This guy is very disconnected.

All teens make bad decisions. Been that way forever.

He's not doing homework? 85 score is OK? Not monitoring his grades? He's not ready for college. Scholarship: let him go to college and fail because college requires a lot of homework! He doesn't know that yet but won't be able to keep up. Needs a class on how to study and coping with college.

I was that man's son. Was a good kid who when in school would do all that was asked of me but the moment I stepped out of school, it no longer existed in my mind. I did zero homework in school and finished in the lower half of my HS. Went to an average university and got average grades but it wasn't until I left school that I truly learned how to study. Had to figure it on my own but when I lost my job with a young family in tow. That sense of responsibility forced it out of me. And now it has done wonders for my career. Also, when his son begins his working career, a job that lets him focus on the task at hand but not take it home will do wonders for his mind. A lot of people hate a job that makes you clock in and clock out. I loved it.

I feel like this kid. I am struggling with it still, today. I don’t blame my parents at ALL, but I am having such a hard time finding my way in the world, especially thinking I have NO useful skills, and am a drain on everythinf

This is why I am child free. I don't want to subject any of my kids to the cruelty of this world. This teen son is clearly trying to deal with something by smoking the plant and it's sad to hear that the dad can't seem to figure it out.

It's hard when you're in the middle of it and have high expectations but I can really see that this kids is trying... at that age ( if not now 30 yrs later!) I would not want to back down and if I swallowed my pride to meet quarter way I would also be extremely angry if my efforts were not noticed or appreciated. Try to notice the effort he is making and then clearly the respect he does have for you. It is not the biggest deal. He is likely to pull it together for the school he wants. Please sit with him while he works and have quality times together ❤

He could lose his scholarship for bad grades, does he understand that? What's the son's explanation for bad grades? What else is going on in his life and how's his mood been? Get some counseling.

He should not finance his son's bad behavior. Doing so is enabling. If weed is so important to the son and he's going behind the parents back, it's time for him to get a job and move out. Stop giving him your hard earned money so he can smoke weed.

You are way off on this 1. Having a mission and a purpose in your life will keep you from addiction

If his grades are bad, failing, how will he continue to get a scholarship to college? He can't or won't succeed. Even if he plays sports, he has to keep his grades up or he will be out.

He sounds like a really great kid. What helped me was to realize how lucky I am to have an amazing child--and stop listening to the noise around ''how a kid should be.'' I really had to be totally grateful. Yes, they are feeling like they keep getting it all wrong, and that feels bad.Hearing that your kid has a sport, friends, a job, and basically good grades, you can see that there are way worse problems out there.

Wow I’m at this space with my 11 yr old who has become insanely defiant since his dad was killed when he was 9. He’s not smoking weed but he succumbs to peer pressure a lot and his grades are low.. I react the way this dad has out of fear..

Really appreciate your insight and for this parent to call and be honest but also be challenged… I’m going to be taking this advice and we are a homeschooling family… so our messy and rhythms aren’t great and so while we maybe in the boat of a lot of time together, friendships outside our household, as well as intentional time are very necessary… I see it daily as a family of 8… our kids are so different yet all have that desire for connection and I didn’t think overachieving would be a sort of addiction replacement… I can see that play out in my own life, and parenting, but I think it’s so true that the absence of addiction should be a whole health focus not just a pick your self up by your bootstraps, and as a Christian I can see that also play out in “hyper performance based Christianity” … Jesus is such a wonderful example of service, care, rest and love… and I know I lose sight of that and either give up or try to earn favor with God, neither of which is the grace in which envelopes His great love Thanks John for your wisdom and as a mom of many I absolutely am still and will continually be trying to find the right rhythms that world collectively for our family bc of advice like this!!! God Bless!

Keep up the good work!

This guy talks too much, he needs to listen to Dr John!

The son may be telling the parents what they want to hear, regarding the college sports scholarship. He may want to go to a college where his friends are attending, & he’s afraid to disappoint his parents because saving money is involved with the scholarship. He knows he has other siblings to follow him onto college. Maybe, he’d rather go to another college, & try as a walk on to the sports team?

Dude gets some pot laced with fentanyl, or worse, and he'll come back in a hearse. This ain't the sixties, seventies, eighties, or nineties. It's war.

Come on dude there’s nothing wrong with weed. So many people in my engineering classes smoked and we all went on to be well adjusted adults. I come from a family full of addiction too. He’ll be okay

weed has never impacted my sexual function

Weed is good. And 85 for a pass mark? I hated school and having that kind of similar pressure did not help. By the time I made it to grade 12, I was elated to make a 50 mark. I should have started weed much earlier than I did. Might have made school more tolerable.

The father needs to either have the marihuana dealer arrested or throw him in the river and don't call the cops.

BS Dr John. He needs strong discipline. His future depends on it