The avoidant left because you treated them well 

That's exactly why it is so much more damaging and hurtful when avoidant suddenly discards. It leaves the other person wondering why treating other person right wasn't enough, which can be traumatic experience.

You’re killin’ it, Coach. I use to be avoidant and have worked for the last 8 years to understand and try to change my attachment style towards secure. It’s not an easy road but worth it. Keep it up ❤️

Still healing from trauma bond...no closure....slow fade. Hurts so bad

The toxic vs loving partner is SO spot on. I was in a poly relationship--my DA partner had another partner when we met--so I saw this play out in real time. I was very loving, affectionate, emotionally available--our connection was passionate, very romantic, special. We were so aligned. Meanwhile the other person had very different values, them two weren't that aligned, and they treated my ex poorly, lashing out, controlling etc. toxic behavior. Guess what happened? The toxic less special person got their way and moved in with my ex (who HATED entanglement, but people pleased for this person). I was devalued, and distanced from. I wasn't considered in any of their decisions. I was made least priority in their life. And they fought so hard for that toxic person who was causing them panic attacks from repeat behaviors. Meanwhile, I had one mental crisis and sent an assertive text about something I was hurt about, and i was dumped over a text with no conversation. It is so hard to not let the hurt and anger consume me. It was such a cold and callous ending. It's hard not to internalize it. I keep watching videos like these to remind myself that what they did wasn't a reflection of me/my value, but a result of their upbringing and fears.

When I didn't know better I personalized it and it shattered my heart. Informative videos like these have helped me understand. They've helped me move past the pain of the rejection and abuse.

Apparently I was too needy so they discarded me. When I expressed what I needed - told I was thinking too much and being negative and my feelings were dismissed. Going NC now for my mental health. Doing therapy to heal myself. Let them find an avoidant to be with. So both have their needs of space met. Avoidants even stuff up those that are securely attached and ruin that persons sense of self.

Your video has answered a decade of questions thank you 🙏

I dont know how and why my phone knew that I need you and put you in my feed. What i know, though, is that your videos helped understand what the heck happened and why and how. I get it now. I get it so well. If you would only know how helpful you are. I guess you do since you are told every day, but still, just know that you helped another one. I subscribed. Greetings and hugs from Japan, coach!

We had The Best relationship, all laughs and no arguments. We were getting so close...Then one of her friends died...(ive since found out that this couldve been The Trigger!) I was dumped...by text! Im done feeling sorry for myself and feel sorry for her now. She chucked away what was a beautiful thing. Do DA's ever wake up, think about what they've given up and reach out? I still think we could be great friends...Apart from anything, she was such great company. We had such a laugh....and she is a beautiful person...(apart from the reason why im writing this!!) I miss the laughs.

Wow recently discovered this channel. I like your presentation and ideas. I been seeing a guy for a year. It had become clearer through the time that he is an avoidant. The moment things feels attached or emotional. He start feeling anxious and want to leave/ go back home. Those behaviours have made me feel confused triggered the wounds and feelings of unworthy of love. The challenge of being gay on top of it the lack or the scarcity of emotionally stable secure guys around make things challenging and lonely here. I believe that there are good amount of common things between us. I feel that we have a great time when we round together however, I reached out to him few weeks ago and he stated that we are not a good fit together, we don’t have common things much. Not same style of humor, that I am not a classy guy and other things. 😂😅😅😂 now I call his name in my head.. the “weirdo” Its discouraging to seek love and the dating thing isn’t pinky roses and lovely butterflies 🦋😅

THANK YOU!!🙏 He left me after 32-year marriage Saying that he hated me.💔 And I live for him and did everything out of my way for him. To the point that I don't know who I am anymore Thank you again.😔

Liking and commenting for the algorithm - your videos on your channel are straight to the point and simple to understand! Cheers coach!

Thanks for the video. You are great at explaining this.

Too bad they couldn't see the love they had to give like the way I did.

Omg this is EXACTLY what happened!!!! He had a “situationship” for 5 years with a woman that barely spoke the same language…… We fell in love and had an amazing connection. He kept telling me how much he loved me, “I brought his walls down,” wanted to marry me. The next day he abruptly ended the relationship with me and said “he wanted to be single” and blocked me…… I’m heartbroken and miss him desperately 💔

I cannot tell you how glad I am this video showed up on my feed. Thank you so much.... thank you....

Mine and I shared one of the single greatest nights of either of our lives together with a concert to see her favorite band of all time play their final show before going on indefinite hiatus. We spent the entire evening and even the entire next day together, 30 hours total and she lamented the entire time about how "no man has ever treated her like i did," that it was the greatest concert she had ever been to, etc. The next day, texting good morning selfies/kissy faces, still going on about how great of a night she had and how she wouldn't wash the shirt she bought until it no longer smelled like me. Then, that Monday, became SUPER distant and she dumped me at 6am Tuesday morning with ZERO warning. 48hrs after she left my house, after we snuggled on the couch and watched movies and kissed and held hands to recover from the wild concert night. I asked if we could maybe "talk" and she's refused to meet face to face, facetime, or even a phone call. The most she did was send audio messages and I'm completely amazed how disconnected she sounds. The day we broke up (a week ago from today), I asked her if she identified as a dismissive or even anxious avoidant attachment style (since she would ALWAYS send me articles and such, asking me about my attachment style, but never talking about her own) and she gave me some mumbo jumbo explanation of how she "drifts between several attachment styles depending on who she's with." However, she started going to therapy a month ago and the same day she dumped me, she told me she was in therapy to "understand what secure attachment feels like and if she's capable of it" which at least means she's conscious of her behavior. I am absolutely blown away by the accuracy of these videos though because in another one of Coach's videos, he talked about their excuses to breakup and she LITERALLY used every single one that he laid out, the most prominent being her "job" and how she "doesn't have time for romance and isn't emotionally available right now." She also has like 3 of my shirts, 2 of my books, a guitar/amp that we bought together, and many other opportunities to have an excuse to reach out or "breadcrumb" just like Coach has talked about in various other videos too. Honestly, I'm probably going to go back to therapy because even at 32 years old and being in 7-8 relatively, this one has been the most difficult for me to grasp even though it was relatively short lived. But to anyone reading this, I started reading "the power of now" last night and you'd be amazed how much your own ego has to do with these things too. You let go of your ego and forget your past or future with the person and ask yourself "when I'm with them, do I live in the present?" No contact has actually made it easier too. I'm actually only on a little over 48hrs of no contact, I've just been finding other healthy ways to cope (been going CRAZY at the gym). These videos are GREAT for when you want to "understand" if you feel like she/he/they left the book open and never gave you closure, but the only way you'll ever really truly get over them is definitely A, No contact, B, release yourself from your ego and quit playing the victim (live in the now, not the past) and C, make sure to work on yourself. Even after just one week of journaling, focusing on my hobbies and going full darkness on social media (deactivated EVERYTHING0). I've already asked myself a few times what I'll do if/when she breaks no contact or we cross paths (which is inevitable because we live less than 1.5 mi from each other in the same town and run the same trails and she still has like 3 of my shirts, 2 of my books and a host of other things of mine or constant reminders of me) and to be honest, even 7 days post breakup, I don't even know that I'd want her back or the even meet up for that matter.

What if they complained about you getting angry at their constant ghosting, fading, and discarding thus you're a "b*tch" because you didn't suffer in silence and always have to make waves

Great video, really insightful

What avoidant wants??? To treat them like shit?

So become toxic . Treat then badly. Sadly it works

It's sad to know the woman you love will ultimately end up being with someone who treats her like nothing and that he will be the man who gets her

I never saw it coming. 2.5 yrs and BAM! He said i was not his girlfriend,not his type,just for the sex only. We had a good 2.5 yrs. Told me to get out that he wants to date cause he likes sex. Hes 55,i realze i did everything for him. I know i was different than his toxic partners. He dated a married woman who had an open marriage,his drunk bartender girlfriend who gas him arrested,his wife of 3 years divorced him,never really got full story. I understsnd now why he always called himself an asshole,and dumbass. He took what he could get. I was so stupid. His loss. I dont think hell ever find anyone,just quick supplies here and there. Hes going to miss me. I was so good to him .3 weeks now NC.

I think it's not that they aren't afraid of abandonment from toxic people. According to a couple of Fearful Avoidants I've talked to, it's that they think "if I am kind and forgive this person who is crappier than I am, they will realize how valuable I am and NEVER abandon me." But if/when those people abandon them, they still feel a lot of the same level of pain.

she told me “you make my soul smile, i love you and i hope you kiss me the same way when we grow old together. we talk every day and are basically already bf/gf, can we make this official?” yada yada which made me think that i was doing everything right. the first time anyone told me i love you. i wish i knew that was the last time i’d ever see her again. the week before my birthday too. it was the loneliest birthday of my life. and a couple days later, my friend said she saw her with another guy and was talking about getting a harassment order against me. she was my first

I wish I had met her sooner.. 💔

Or too anxiously or what they see as controlling

Now she wants a divorce and we have a kid! WHYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

My ex avoidant did not go yo any non contact phase! He friendzoned me in the same minute everyday he txt me everyday he tell me how he spent his day and everyday he tell me that he trust me ! Is that normal?

Maybe they just don’t want you. So they slow fade or discard. Maybe it has nothing to do with them. Maybe we just aren’t what they want. Even if we were good to them.

Coach Ryan, what if they just were not that interested? Maybe it seemed to be going well with some intimacy after a few months but then they back off. How does one differentiate?

Good content. But please increase the volume on your videos.

100% TRUE! ! Today Finally I found an answer I have been waiting for a year and a half.... Thank you for explaining this Indescribable Pain, which is like Torturedothefive

100% TRUE! ! Today Finally I found an answer I have been waiting for a year and a half.... Thank you for explaining this Indescribable Pain, which is like Torturedothefive