The Effects of Loveless and Sexless Relationships 

I would have to say from my experience that this withholding of intimacy made me very angry to the point of being repulsed by the thought of it......along with all the financial and psychological abuse. It painted a very clear picture of extreme narcissism. To say I was damaged by it is a huge understatement.

You just described my 23 year long marriage

You have described what happens to people in a loveless relationship extremely well Darren. Thank you. The impact of staying in a loveless relationship is devastating and it affects all aspects of the person’s being. Loving Intimacy and physical contact are on the other hand comforting and healing. It is important to realise how loving physical closeness serves life in all its aspects.

Darren, I'm very thankful for your videos. Honestly, I cry while listening. I don't know how you can be in this line of work, because narcissism is so horrible, devastating. Even though I've been hurt so badly by the effects of it, I'm certain my ex is tormented within. I tried so hard to help him, but it seemed to just make everything worse. He kicked me out after only a few months, maybe because of this. He was like a coin, with two different faces and no middle. You seem to have a special empathy within. You're calm, your voice so soothing while you talk about some of the most horrible things I've ever experienced in my life. Be blessed!

I remember in my marriage believing sex was just something that happened to other people 😕

Great summary of the last ten years of my life……

I quit having sex with my covert narcissist husband many years ago now. There is no intimacy between us at all. He’s a lifetime victim and I would get physically ill and get infections after having sex with him so I quit and I hadn’t had any infections down there since. I knew it was from his energy. The doctors couldn’t explain why I kept getting infections down there but it was everytime we slept together. I emotionally cut the cord from him and started working on learning to love myself emotionally again. I am still married and living in the same home but no longer put up with his bs and emotional abuse and tell him to grow up. Marriage counseling did not work. He would never show up to scheduled appointments sessions after a few days of appointments with every excuse he could find and said that everyone was just attacking him. He refuses to take any responsibility for anything he says or does. But this doesn’t matter to me anymore. All I can say is that I finally know who I am now and I know my worth. Gods voice is the one I listen to now not his. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼😊🥰🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

I'm stuck in a relationship just like this

I've been a student of NPD via RU-vid for about a year and this video/information is the hardest to watch/assimilate thus far. This is the most painful, wounding and at the core of all NA. Each viewer comment resonates! ❤ The XN would stand in the kitchen and talk about his cold, scared turtle (piece of anatomy) as I listened with understanding. "We'll get through this." Meanwhile, he was medicating himself for ED and having sex elsewhere. Corporal punishment would fall short.

Very initeresting post and topic. Intimacy can certainly come in a variety of different forms. So much of how we interpet it seems based on the conditioning and repetition of Hollywood/magazines, and you mention how lace of it from a partner, can result in looking at porn, or other avenues, which is important, as that can change a person for sure. I believe we underestimate jovial type behaviors and more genuine humor as a precursor to intimacy, as I think it is longer lasting and more profound, in the depth of integrity of a relationship. Thanks Darren for discussing a topic that is part of everyday life, but needs re-evaluating, as so often this topic can be discussed in platforms that seem hyper judgemental, and emotional.

Good presentation and you are 🎯 on target in my opinion. If only ony partner wants a relationship to succeed, its doomed to failure. It takes two.

Staying in a relationship like this for a long time can cause seemingly irreparable harm to the victim on myriad levels. Couples therapy is completely useless unless the therapist can recognize narcissistic abuse and help the victim get free of this kind of soul-sucking, degrading relationship. Anyone who finds themselves with a withholding partner who is perfectly capable of functioning sexually needs a solid, trauma-informed therapist who can help them unpack the reasons why they are willing to share their life with one of these lowlife parasites.

He was actually the worst sex I've ever had there was no talking allowed, he couldn't even look at me during sex and as soon as it was over he was out of there, he didn't bond with me over sex in fact while he was using me for sex, he was lying to me about he was fixing my car, which he was actually stealing from me legally. For years he bragged about what a good job the doctor did that circumcised him and when his self inflicted health issues led to his impotence blamed it on being circumcised and complained to me about that for years. Why is it that an impotent narcissist won't face the reality that sex is over and it's his own fault? Why does he lie about being on testosterone when the physical evidence is there? And why does he tell me that I hate men, sex and penis while he and his friends try to catch me cheating on him while he's cheating on me?

This is spot on

Thank you.

Lol my sister and her husband both have narcissistic personality disorder. Its like two employees living at a job. No conversation involves the heart matters. No touching etc.. its just how they live

Thanks!

I’ve learned to live like Spock, so it doesn’t matter anymore. i’ve stopped caring about everyone, & life is easier.

Having spent nearly a decade in such a marriage - I would encourage anyone anyone to open and honest about it, see what they can do to change the situation or improve themself, and then if things don't change - leave without quickly and without regret. I knew the answer 1 year into marriage, but wanted to honor my commitments - that sensibility is entirely wrong. Don't make permanent financial commitments to a relationship that are legally obligated, when intimacy is optional....

It's not necessarily the N who's withholding. My wife is CN. I can never really relax in her presence. Candor is hard, measured at best, as so much of everything is about her & her having the right answers. It's grim. This makes my situation an inversion of what Darren describes. I endorse all his other points. Professional help would be beneficial, but I am so hesitant to be close to her after so many years. This is marriage #2 for both of us. Had a terrific connection with wife1, but I couldn't manage my "workaholic" tendencies, so I drove that marriage into the ground. That failure makes me shy to quit on #2, despite the high tension. The kids & in-laws are really great, so things are not all bad, but it is a slog.

Sexless marriage is loveless marriage. If you're smart, run away.

First strage) Starting the relationship with the decision of quitting porn as I have a gf and I want to channel my sexuality solely to her Second Stage) it ended up at excessive porn use where I no longer have any relief by porn and zero-tolerance to anything Third Stage) it concluded, me being someone who is suicidal. And I was guilty of being suicidal too, how could her presence don't help me to be "lively." It was such a strange experience. And I describe the moments like, I felt as lonely as possible as someone who is in a dual can feel.

What is a ‘long period of time’ weeks, months, years?

🌱🌏💚

Lol. Darren is a Star Wars fan.

But you guys said LESS IS MORE.

Not bad before marriage but as soon as we got married it was down to very infrequent. Been married 36 years, no sex this century. We had a few arguments initially but eventually just settled on mutual contempt. Tried all those relationship tips, nothing worked. I suppose sometimes they are just not that attracted to you. Still, lovely children(don't know how we managed that!) and now a grandchild, so can't complain. On the bright side, although we get along OK, I do as I please without a hint of "pussy whipping". Sometimes of an evening she will refer to herself as my wife, to which I always respond: "flatmate" and laugh. 😂

🙋🏾‍♀️

I got divorced a year ago from a Filipina and a 20 yr relationship 17 of it married and 2 children…I know who she really is now that I understand narcissist better at least 90% of our marriage was loveless and sexless…I’m glad it’s over…but dealing with her concerning the kids is pure agony…I’m better off with a good dog than anyone like her ever again…just sayin’ 🤪🤠👍

Now you should do a video on partners who feel entitled to sex, even when their other partner has lost the desire or drive...like sex is something they are owed, and the effects that entitled expectation and lack of empathy have on the relationship and the other partner. I've observed it both ways...and each person feels betrayed like the other lacks empathy for their situation...and I've seen both males and females who are not getting the sex they feel they "deserve" expect their partner to have sex with then anyway, despite having a lack of drive or desire to do so, expecting them to go to a physician and see "what is wrong" with them, and demand the other partner take hormone shots to increase their sex drive. Yes, I have heard these EXACT statements expressed out loud, as though losing one's sex drive as they age isn't a normative experience, especially with narcissists who obtain their narcissistic supply through sex. Although this is especially common in males after their female partner has given birth, and are not only healing from an episiotomy but also breastfeeding and taking care of a newborn, all while experiencing hormone fluctuations of all kinds after childbirth, I've also seen it in both sexes as they move through both female and male menopause. Then there are the time when one or the other partner is going through chemotherapy or has suffered the loss of a parent, yet the other partner tries to cry sexual deprivation. smh This entitlement to someone else's body, or this expectation that a partner "service" the other like a fuel station attendant when the other partner has no interest is just bizarre to me. If/when those people share wedding vows of "during sickness and health" and "til death do us part", those vows don't seem to be worth the paper they were printed on as the wedding officiant read them aloud. Not less than a year ago, I learned that an old friend of mine dumped her boyfriend of 9 years after he lost the desire to have sex. She still loved him, and he still loved her, but she expected him to be at-the-ready to feed her extremely high sex drive (caused by early childhood sexual molestation by one of her father's "friends" when she was 6 years old, and she even went back to her ex-husband and got him to fulfill her sexual needs while he was in a long-term relationship with someone else and while she was still in this relationship with her long-term partner (who she told me less than a year earlier she planned on retiring with in old age). She was 54 and he was 58 at the time this happened. Oh, but she knew he was "such a good friend to people" that she wanted to keep a good friendship with him. You know, in case she ever needs him for anything. Talk about selfish self-absorption. I've known this woman since we were 15, and every year for the last 30 years I move further and further away from her. There are a lot of people out there in the world who feel entitled to sex with other people, even when there are problems in the relationship and even when they're going through serious medical treatments, childbirth, grief over the loss of a family member, loss of employment, or even just loss of sex drive due to hormonal changes that occur due to aging. These are the times when the covert narcissists (and over-sexed histrionics and validation-seeking borderlines) drop their social masks, and their true entitlement and empathy deficiencies are on full display, sometimes for the first time in a relationship. My advice to people....do not let anyone...not even someone who is a licensed professional...guilt you, shame you or pressure you into feeling like you need to be having sex with someone...anyone...if you don't feel like you want to have sex with them. Read these previous lines again, if you don't quite get it the first or second time. If you don't want to have sex with someone...do NOT let any licensed professional tell you that you should be. You take some time and really think about why you've lost interest in your partner. Think about what is going on in your life. Think of what is going on in your body and with your health. It is NOT always narcissistic or borderline "withholding". Sometimes, it is the healthy partner losing interest in a pathological partner, like a sex addict, or a porn addict, or a malignant abuser, or it's just menopause or manopause, or childbirth, or depression or grief. Covert narcissists LOVE to blame their spouse/partner for their porn use, affairs, etc. Pedophiles also LOVE to blame their spouse/partner for their sexual assault of children and minors. You can even find them doing this with parole boards which are videos you can watch here on RU-vid (RU-vidr Mandoo has many parole hearings posted on his channel that you can watch and see these pedophiles trying to convince the parole board that they sexually preyed on a child because their spouse failed to "put out" sexually and that is how they became sexually attracted to children. smh Don't just willingly believe anything you hear...dig a little deeper...ask questions...look for an entitlement from the partner crying victim, as well as a lack of empathy for the lack of sexual desire their partner feels? It's not quite this black and white most of the time. Sometimes there are other issues there being swept under the rug.

what if you are a Catholic couple and both come from loveless abusive families. Because of an abusive childhood, both partners can be afraid of intimacy and can never bond, nor can they divorce, because of their religion. So we never experience love in this lifetime

Effects, not affects

Leave.

I wouldn’t equal love to sex in this discourse. There can be very loving, sexless relationships. Asexual people exist. People loving living together without having sex exist! The stereotypical man/ woman sexual relationship isn’t the only type of relationship to exist, and shouldn’t be a ‘goal’, and sexless relationships shouldn’t be pathologised.